Posted on 7/18/11 12:09 AM
What you are going to have to do when you inevitably go see Transformers: Dark of the Moon, is sit down in your favorite theater seat and furiously shake your head for about three full minutes. Hopefully, you can shake out the most recent five to six years of education you've had because you will certainly enjoy yourself more the closer you are to having your brain function at a nine year old level.
Trans3, in all honesty, has some of the best effects you will ever see. The 3D elements weren't overwhelming, which I think is good, and the feeling of such a grand scale is pretty cool. It is annoying how much money these movies have made, but if you put these things on mute and watch, you could have a rip roarin' good time. And who can blame these people for churning out a product that is guaranteed to make a silly amount of money. We're probably lucky that it's good at all.
That being said, I really hated this movie. The first hour of this seemingly eighteen hour movie (actually 155 min) was so brutal that my movie mate abandoned me for greener pastures (Super 8). They know people are watching and that they came for the effects, so why won't they show the damn things? I spent the first hour of this movie either staring at Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, cringing at Shia LaBeouf's bumbling, and searching my now dumber brain for reasons why 80% of these characters are even in the movie. Sam's parents make another unfortunate appearance, Josh Duhamel's character (I've seen three of these movies and haven't learned the character's name because it matters about as much Rosie's IQ) shoots big guns with no results for a while until the actual heroes come from time to time, and those two racially insensitive robots from the second movie get reincarnated as two tiny robots that just have a lot less lines and even less purpose than previous guys.
But then, finally, the loud booms start to happen. They are really loud. And I have to admit they visuals are awesome. But there is essentially no reason for any human to be in this movie. They can't beat a transformer, we established that from the opening scene of Trans1. Shia's running into Chicago (btw how the f*$k did he get there?) with what seems like no plan at all, to fight alien robots that cannot be touched by anything built on Earth. The second half of this movie is transformers doing awesome stuff, cut to Rosie staring dumbly, transformers doing awesome stuff, cut to Shia yelling "OPTIMUSSS!" or "BUBBLEBEEEE!," transformers doing awesome stuff, cut to Tyrese saying something incredibly stupid for the life threatening situation he's in ("Why do the Decepticons get all the cool shit?"). The movie ends when Rosie walks over and bats her eyes at Megatron, the evil leader, enough so that he turns on his number two and ruins any chance he had at winning this inexplicable war. Nice one, Rosie.
In short, this movie is probably worth going to see in theaters but it will not be easy. It's far too long and too dumb to see without the help of the buddy system. The visuals are amazing but the reason for them is either non-existent or simply makes no sense. I give this movie a 4 out of 10 because I allowed myself to be wowed by the amazing elements, but it is still very difficult to get through thanks to bad acting, an opening 60 minutes of boredom, and a complete lack of substance.
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