(Exterior of house in suburban town. The words "Enid, Oklahoma" appear on the screen.)
(Cut to interior of the house. A man and a woman are arguing.)
JOHN TYLER: Kate, I told you... I don't know why people are being banned, but they just are. Something's gone wrong on Rotten Tomatoes, I guess.
KATE TYLER: JOHN! Listen to me-- if you can't log on to Rotten Tomatoes, what will we do? Your reviews are our only source of income! When you get banned, this family is going to be completely in the red, do you understand? COMPLETELY! So figure something out fast.
JOHN TYLER: Like what? Writing reviews is what I do!
KATE TYLER: John... you're going to have to think of something.
JOHN TYLER: Okay... *thinks for a second* ...okay.
(Cut to interior of another suburban house. This one, however, is coated in graffiti and trashed. Three people are sitting around a table watching The Room. They are Diego Tutweiller, Jed Groff, and Movie Person.)
TV: JOO AH TARING ME APAAAAAAAHT, LISAAAAAAH!!!
DIEGO TUT: Hahaha! Classic! Anus, bitch!
JED: This might be my new favorite movie... but I don't know if it beats Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.
DIEGO TUT: Dude! Good shit right there! Post that puppy!
MOVIE PERSON: *Pulls out a laptop* Here you go, Jed. Write a positive review of The Room.
JED: *Types for a second* BAM! Posted!
DIEGO TUT: Not bad, not bad. That'll make us some dough for sure, bitch.
(Suddenly, the door opens. David Tanny stands at the doorway, with Jeff Goldblum behind him.)
DAVID TANNY: EVERYBODY FREEZE! This is the RTEA, Rotten Tomatoes Enforcement Administration! There's been a sudden influx of reviews with incredibly poor taste, boys! I'm gonna have to bring you in!
DIEGO TUT: BITCH, I'M BAILING! *Runs further back into the house*
GOLDBLUM: AH AH HEY AH AH STOP!!!
JED: What?
DAVID TANNY: Come here! *Handcuffs Jed and Movie Person while Goldblum runs after Tut*
(Cut to exterior of house. John Tyler is driving by when he sees Diego jump out the second-story window of the house.)
DIEGO TUT: *Lands awkwardly* OW! WHAT THE SHIT, MAN? ANUS! ANUS! ANUUUUUUUUUUS! *Runs away from the house*
JOHN TYLER: Here! Get in!
DIEGO TUT: *Leaps in car door and lands in the back seat* WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? WHO ARE YOU?
JOHN TYLER: You're a review cook, right?
DIEGO TUT: Uh... yeah. What the fuck do you care, bitch, are you like with the RTEA or some shit?
JOHN TYLER: No! I want to do what you do.
DIEGO TUT: Yeah fucking right! Just drive!
(John puts the car in reverse and backs up down the street he came from.)
DIEGO TUT: Okay bitch, what's all this about review cooking? You want to do it? Why?
JOHN TYLER: People are getting banned from RT. I could be next, you could be next, nobody knows. But I need to know that my family will be provided for after I'm gone. What I'm proposing is writing reviews. But BAD ones. Really, really bad ones. I'm talking 10/10 for Man of Steel. 7/10 for Deadly Friend. 0/10 for... well... nothing.
DIEGO TUT: *Looks astonished* What... the fuck... WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCK ARE YOU? HUH? ARE YOU SOME PSYCHO OR SOMETHING?
JOHN TYLER: No, I'm not! I'm just desperate, all right! Now-- I have the bad opinions, you have that wordplay. What's that phrase you always use?
DIEGO TUT: Anus of cinema?
JOHN TYLER: That's the one! I propose that we team up.
DIEGO TUT: For real? *Pauses* FUCK YOU, BITCH! There's no way I'll help you write reviews like that! I bet you'll give Kingdom of the Crystal Skull a fresh score!
JOHN TYLER: Actually, it wasn't all that bad IMO.
DIEGO TUT: SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP! LET ME OUT OF THIS CAR!
JOHN TYLER: If you refuse, I'll be forced to tell the RTEA that you helped Jed write those reviews.
DIEGO TUT: Fuck me, man...
JOHN TYLER: No thank you.
DIEGO TUT: Oh, fuck off. Fine. I'll join you. But listen-- I'm going to show you what I know, and then THAT'S IT, okay? That's FUCKING IT. After that, I can quit any time I want, right?
JOHN TYLER: *Furrows brow momentarily* I wouldn't have it any other way.
(Cut to interior of suburban house. John and Kate are laying in bed talking.)
KATE TYLER: So did you give any more thought to what I said?
JOHN TYLER: Yeah... I think I might have a way to make money.
KATE TYLER: Well, what is it?
JOHN TYLER: I'm not sure if I'll do it yet. We can talk about this some other time, huh? *Turns out the light*
KATE'S VOICE: John?
JOHN'S VOICE: Yes?
KATE'S VOICE: Tell me right now.
JOHN'S VOICE: Kate, it's on a need-to-know basis. Now will you give it a rest?
KATE'S VOICE: John... I do not like it when you don't talk to me. You've become so distant lately. It's like... like...
JOHN'S VOICE: What, honey?
KATE'S VOICE: Like I don't even exist.
JOHN'S VOICE: Huh.
END OF EPISODE ONE.
John Tyler on 9/17/13 at 04:55 PM
This is solid.
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Diego Tutweiller on 9/17/13 at 05:01 PM
I'm quite proud of myself. Especially for Kate's last line.
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Chase Nyland on 9/17/13 at 09:43 PM
I know why lol. This is truly stellar stuff. Good work, Tut.
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David Murphey on 9/17/13 at 05:00 PM
That was actually pretty good. Good job. When are you going to write the 2nd episode and am I in it?
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Diego Tutweiller on 9/17/13 at 05:04 PM
Episode Two will be a lot more about John's home life, meaning you will show up. It will also include character development for Tanny. Episode Three will have the first cook. And I won't be able to do Episode Two for a few days, as I'll be in Yosemite.
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David Murphey on 9/17/13 at 05:05 PM
how many episodes will you do?
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Diego Tutweiller on 9/17/13 at 05:08 PM
Oh shit... I dunno. As many as it takes to tell the story, I guess.
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Nightbreed on 9/17/13 at 05:04 PM
Solid. Who are the actors?
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Diego Tutweiller on 9/17/13 at 05:08 PM
Ourselves. I'm not going to cast real actors in this. That's John's thing.
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Nightbreed on 9/17/13 at 05:10 PM
So, here is the cast of this episode Empty void of air-Kate Tyler John Tyler-John Tyler Tanny- Tanny
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Diego Tutweiller on 9/17/13 at 05:13 PM
Uh... sure, lol.
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Nightbreed on 9/17/13 at 05:14 PM
It's official! I will do my Bloody Fig Newtons film.
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Diego Tutweiller on 9/17/13 at 05:41 PM
Oh shit...
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Monco Person on 9/18/13 at 12:29 PM
I assume Chase will be Gus or Hank. (Hint: Make it Gus, you couldn't pull off a better casting decision if you tried) I gotta say, I felt a wave og egotistical satisfaction when my name showed up.
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Monco Person on 9/18/13 at 12:33 PM
I assume Chase will be Gus or Hank. (Hint: Make it Gus, you couldn't pull off a better casting decision if you tried) I gotta say, I felt a wave of egotistical satisfaction when my name showed up
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