Already familiar with me writing here? So you know RT does lots of things wrong. Another wrong thing is that about new upcoming movies. The folks are clicking their want-to-sees and these are shown on the movie page; which is generally fine. Then they add a comment and that is counted as a movie review. What the heck is that?! What a preview has to do with a review?!!! This might be a trailer review at best; and trailers… oh the trailers are a particular form of art. The pre-movie buzz is special in so many ways that I’ll use the blogdom of speech and write a preview of upcoming things separately. I call it “pilot” because I might repeat it if I like it; or I can drop it if I don’t (you can’t vote so you don’t count).

A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas

There are many ways how to make the Xmessy pre-Xmas period even more disgusting than it is. One of them might be watching a 3D movie. I’m not gonna do anything like that voluntarily but I have to admit I am in a social risk group. I meet tons of relatives this time of the year. Many of them are able to make their sweetest eyes asking: “Please, take us to the movies! It’s Xmas! We need an adult to come with us to see Harold and Kumar.” Geezz. Who could resist that? – Well, maybe this is not the worst thing on the Santa’s list. The trailer is full of promises. There are religious jokes. There are political jokes. That’s good. What’s the point to be an R-rated comedy otherwise?  Then there are sex jokes and barely dressed ladies, that’s even better. Santa gets traumatized; that’s not new but that’s always good. If I were them I’d issue a computer game called Harold and Kumar Kill All Santas. You can’t call a computer game simply Kill All Santas, can you. All mammas will fire back. It’s worse than a tattooed Barbie. Harold and Kumar are comedians though, they can do what they want and it will all be a joke. That’s why children love them. - Finally, there are jokes about 3D. How the heck they think they’ll do it? Is there a single thing left not featured in 3D and eventually turned into a joke already? Plus, the little ones may know when to laugh better than me; they’ve been accustomed to the usual 3D antics. I hate to be old. Whatever, people. I have no illusions. The little bastards share the same genes. If this sh*t goes wide, this is probably not a question if I’m going to see it. It’s a question how many times I watch it.        

Tower Heist

George Clooney and Ben Stiller are two lucky men. You know, they can be who they are. George puts on his most normal looks and says: I Am The Good Doctor, I Am The Vampire Hunter, I Am The Flawless Bank Robber – women swoon and he’s a millionaire. Ben Stiller walks out with his same regular face to say: I Am A Romantic Lover, I am A Police Detective, I Am A Male Model – everybody cracks up and he’s a millionaire. Now, Ben makes his hair a little grey and says: I’m George Clooney! – well, in the next flick George should walk into the bedroom in his bathrobe and say, “I’m Ben Stiller” -  using these exact words because he can’t get the message across otherwise – and you bet women will swoon. Putting my sweet little jealousy aside, I’m glad that the long arms of parody comedy have reached the endless Ocean sequel. Nothing ever happens in these movies; unless you like the very insight in an unusual working environment. Now, that’s for sure, the action is about to occur. Just look in these (Ben Stiller) eyes! I even don’t mind Eddie Murphy; having said that, I do miss Snoop of course. – It’s interesting though, if this sh*t comes across well, how the sequel will be called?        

Immortals

I like them Greeks; I always liked – well, I have to pause before I get into any political trouble; anyway, the point is, I can’t recall a single good movie about Ancient Greece, their Myth and Legend heritage and so on. There are some flicks about Romans but not Greeks. Hollywood doesn’t understand Greek mythology. Let’s start from the beginning of beginnings: Cronus used to swallow all his newborn children until his wife Rhea hid one, named Zeus, who grew up and killed him. A producer would immediately ask “what about family audiences?” or “where’s the love story?” or both. Well, forget about family audiences. Zeus married his sister Hera after he forced his father to do a reverse swallowing (don’t ask, I found this term in Wikipedia); and besides, he created the mankind. – Now you know why Greek myths mainly reach Americans via Disney characters. I can’t say Immortals break this tradition; actually, the trailer suggests something like Disney characters with less complicated dialogue. Also, the information it’s “from the producers of 300” is nothing one could be proud about. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind wiping out CGI warriors; I only prefer to do it myself on my PC. Talking about the non-CGI cast: there’s one man to fight for our world and this man is Henry Cavill – again. I knew our world is screwed. Mickey Rourke might lure me to see this sh*t but unfortunately no newborn babies for him to swallow: this buzz is all about some invincible bow and arrows. So, what makes this different from other super-weapon movies is only that the heroes run around with no pants on. – You know what? Stick it on your 11s!        

That’s it for now; it’s getting late. Yes, I know, there are always movies to come, good movies, bad movies… ughhh and worldwide phenomena. Maybe one day.