Stansfield: It's always the same thing. It's when you start to become really afraid of death that you learn to appreciate life.
Do you like life, sweetheart?
Stansfield: That's good, because I take no pleasure in taking life if it's from a person who doesn't care about it.
SO, what I like in reviews...if you care:
1. I am looking for how a movie made you feel. Did it move you? Did it make you laugh? Why?
I do not need a synopsis of the entire film. I will get that if I decide to watch it. A BRIEF overview is fine, but those people (and you know who you are) who feel it necessary to take up an entire page with your review are just so self-involved and boring. I WILL delete these reviews without looking at them once.
2. Oh, and try and stay away from sending me reviews on the "Classics." As a friend of mine on here once said [paraphrasing]: "Like I really need to read your review on "Chinatown." Do it on a lark or an experiment in writing, but don't send it to me and actually think it is going to have any impact upon how I view these films.
3. How many quotes from a movie do you need to add to your review? Really?! I am so glad that you got the sharply written dialogue or that you wish to convey something that the character already said, but several quotes in your reviews are just unnecessary. Let me make up my mind a little OK?!
4. If you post widgets here you will be banned and/or deleted.
5. If you solicit for sex or want me to meet you on MSN on some such messenger you will be reported, banned, and deleted.
6. Back to the reviews; seriously, take your ass out of that ivory tower and come down here with us mere mortals. This is not an exercise to see just how well you can dissect a film. I do not need to read your dissertation. I am not taking a course on film from you. I do not need your regurgitation of all that the movie was in order to get the flavor. Sometimes, the more you write the stupider you sound which, by the way, brings me to another peeve-
7. Whatever your chosen dialect use it properly.
I don't care if it is some kind of urban backlash tribal clicking...write it well. I can't take the bastardization of language I see so prominently displayed by so many reviewers. Seriously, use a spell check if you must. Run it by someone to see if you sound ridiculously stupid before posting.
You just might.
8. I don't care to see posts that simply state, "Interested" or "Not Interested." Good for you! I don't care! This is as bad as those people that send me reviews that state "Just saw this, review pending." You self important bastard! Enough OK?! This is like you telling me that you will be needing to use the toilet soon (and probably producing the same quality of materials as your reviews). Satisfying for you, but no need to share...get it? Just press the button...you need type nothing else in there.
All of that being said...I really do want to know what you think about a film. I just don't want you to spit out a plot summary, I can read the box. I would like to know what you think about the direction, or production, or performances, or the feelings the film evoked.
Also, if it really is your dissertation,...let me know...I would read that just not for every movie you have ever seen ;)
If you are so inclined, cut and paste the link below and we can be friends on Netflix as well!
I hope to see your reviews.
PS...I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!
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