I like movies. I also like to <i>make</i> movies. I like to write movies, shoot movies, act in movies, and watch movies get made. Also, I enjoy writing some of the most ridiculously long-winded film reviews you are likely to see on this site, but dammit, that's just because I care. But most importantly, I like movies. Remember me when you look up into the night sky!
NOTE: I try to rate movies as objectively as possible, keeping in mind the quality of the production relative to the resources of the filmmakers and the dramatic intentions of the film w/r/t how well it succeeds in communicating them. But if I really enjoy or vehemently loathe a particular film, my rating will be biased, and therefore my system is inconsistent. So sue me.
SECONDARY NOTE: I always write my reviews with the assumption that the reader has already seen the movie I'm reviewing, so with very few exceptions (usually new movies that haven't been out long enough to permeate the mass consciousness, or films with a surprise ending that's so good that I don't want to ruin it), my reviews are loaded with SPOILERS. You've been warned.
POINT OF PERSONAL PRIDE: If you don't have a single director listed as a favorite- not ONE SINGLE, SOLITARY DIRECTOR whom you enjoy the works of- or if you state clearly that you don't care about directors, DON'T TALK TO ME. The director is the most important element in any film. Disregarding the value of a good director leads to terrible things. Like Terminator 3.
"Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were VAMPIRES. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them- I don't give a fuck how crazy they are!"
"If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're going to see some serious shit."
"I'm givin' ye' all she's got!"
"By the authority vested in me by Kaiser Wilhelm the second, I pronounce you man and wife. Proceed with the execution."
"Bullets! My only weakness! How did you know?"
"Gentlemen! Since you're about to die anyway, I may as well tell you the entire plot!"
"I WANT... ROOM SERVICE!!! I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer, I want the $10,000-a-night hooker!"
"You wanted me. Here I am."
"Shabbat shalom, muthafuckers!"
"I was frozen today!"
"Say hello to Saint Peter for me. ... Or whoever has his job, but in Hell."
"You're not the Devil... You're practice."
"You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I AM God."
"Ninety years ago, I was a freak. Today, I'm an amateur."
"I was pilotin' Black Ops missions in the jungles of North Vietnam while you were suckin' on your mama's tit at Woodstock, Kelly. Don't lecture me about war."
"For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday."
"That's it! You cocky cock! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity!"
"Nobody makes me bleed my own blood! Nobody!"
"I'm six-foot-five, two-twenty, and there's two of me."
"Oh, yeah... 'ooh, ahh', that's how it always starts... but then later there's running and... screaming..."
"No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air."
"CHARLIE! YOU FUCKING BITCH! LET'S WORK IT OUT!"
"It would be nice to not want to kill you all the time."
"Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life. Well, good luck to you, Peter! I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever."
"You punched the highlights out of her hair... He PUNCHED the HIGHLIGHTS OUT of her HAIR!!!"
"Stop him! He's supposed to die!"
"Sorry, Venkman-- I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought."
"We are Sex Bob-Omb, and we're here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!"
"Rommel, you magnificent bastard- I read your BOOK!"
"That's right. I've killed women and children. Killed just about everything that walks or crawls at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, Little Bill, for what you did to Ned."
"Well, if my cathedral of cutting-edge taste holds no interest for your tragically Canadian sensibilities, then I shall be forced to grant you a swift exit from the premises. And a fast entrance... into HELL!"
"But I'm your lawyer. You can trust me!"
FAVORITE TAGLINES (because I just love these things):
<b>"You will believe a man can fly."
"In space, no one can hear you scream."
"If Nancy doesn't wake up screaming, she won't wake up at all."
"He was never in time for his classes... He wasn't in time for his dinner... Then one day... he wasn't in his time at all."
"The night HE came home!"
"Part man. Part machine. All cop."
"Welcome to a world without rules."
"This time, it's war."
"Someone has taken their love of scary movies one step too far."
"The night no one comes home."
"Why so serious?"
"An epic of epic epicness."</b>