Before Sunset
(2004)
8 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes
[b][i][font=Comic Sans MS][size=3][color=black]I wrote this story years ago to cheer a friend who was sad; this was soon after I had seen Shrek (the first one) and it left a certain impression on me. It's based upon an episode that occurred in the locked psychiatric unit where I work. It is basically all true. I should mention that Sir Cornelius is in fact a dear friend and colleague best known for his skill in avoiding work and motion at all costs. Queen PP [yes, my initials are in fact "P.P." and if you think that's comical you won't be the first] is yours truly, who was the Head Nurse. Sir Corny is a Mental Health Worker, akin to a nurses' aide in a medical hospital. Every patient and visitor to the unit undergoes a "sharps search," during which potentially dangerous items are removed and stored safely. [/color][/size][/font][/i][/b]
[b][i][font=Arial][size=3][font=Comic Sans MS][color=blue][size=4]A TALE FRAUGHT WITH [/size][/color][/font][/size][/font][/i][/b][b][i][font=Comic Sans MS][color=blue][size=4]DANGER AND MAYHEM [/size][/color][/font][/i][/b]
[b][/b][b][i][font=Comic Sans MS][size=4][color=blue]AND A [/color][/size][/font][/i][/b][font=Comic Sans MS][color=blue][size=4][b][i]S[/i][/b][b][i]MATTERING OF PERIL:[/i][/b][/size][/color][/font]
[b][font=Arial Black][color=red]"SIR CORNELIUS [/color][/font][/b]
[b][font=Arial Black][color=red]AND THE DEADLY TAMPONS"[/color][/font][/b]
[font=Verdana][size=3]Once upon a time in a locked unit far far away, there "worked" ( <-- remember, this is a faerie tale, so strict truth is not called for) an MHW named "Sir Cornelius The First And God Willing The Last." [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=3]One fine day Sir Corny happened upon a brand new Patient Villager. Queen PP after much pleading and begging persuaded Sir Corny to undertake the adventure of The Admission Sharps Search. With grave misgivings, as this adventure involved the expenditure of some small parcel of energy on his part, Cornelius began the Admission Sharps Search process as Queen PP went about the business of Unitland. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=3]Lo and behold, the Maiden Patient -- for this patient was indeed a Maiden -- soon approached Queen PP to ask why her tamponic devices had been kidnapped by the aforementioned Cornelius; the Maiden pitifully begged for the return of same as she had need of the comforts they were created to provide. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=3]After indulging in a brief chortle, Queen PP assured the Maiden that these devices could not possibly have been appropriated by Sir Corny, as that is simply not the practice in this part of the Kingdom. The Queen, kindly attempting to assuage the small Maiden's fretting, explained that [i]only[/i] Very Dangerous Items are ever removed from patients -- it is only Very Dangerous Items which are locked securely in the turreted tower known as The Sharps Cabinet -- and as a tampon is in general a reasonably safe instrument, no Unitland Staff would have cause to fear one. Thus tampons may indeed be retained by all the Maiden Villagers. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=3]The young Maiden considered within herself for a moment, and then asked plaintively if Queen PP could please examine the contents of this formidable Sharps Cabinet, as (so the Maiden insisted) she was quite certain that Cornelius had indeed placed her tampons in that very vault. Having Many Matters Of Great Moment to attend to, Queen PP was nearing the end of her famed supply of patience, and was forced to proclaim in no uncertain terms that the Maiden was mistaken, that no one would ever have placed these items in the Cabinet upon which the Maiden had become fixated, and that she, the Queen, was too busy to humor the Maiden further. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=3]But this Brave Young Maiden was daunted not one whit! -- and pleaded her cause full well -- so full well that Our Queen determined to storm the Cabinet in question merely to prove that no tampon had ever darkened its door. And storm it she did.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=3]It was somewhat of a puzzlement to the Queen, then, to find a Jumbo Box Of Tamponic Devices staring straight into her Queenly Visage once she had wrenched the door ajar. Notwithstanding the Severe Humiliation of Our Queen, the Maiden bounded about the unit like a young fawn, so replete with joy was she. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=3]The Queen, being not nearly as replete with joy, confronted Cornelius with Barely Suppressed Royal Fury. With a gently pained expression, Sir Corny bravely explained that he had determined that these Tampons could indeed pose a threat to all Patient Villagers, as they could be tied together with "those string things they have", whereupon all and sundry could asphyxiate themselves. This gallant reply brought Hysterical Laughter to All The Land, as the Queen, trying as best she could to speak in spite of being unable to cease screaming with derisive laughter, spread this Good News Far And Wide. And Sir Corny's name was in every mouth.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=3]xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=3]I have told you A Tale of Days Gone By. Let me now turn to a tale of more recent vintage. A couple of days ago, a Cornelius bearing a remarkable resemblance to The Hero of our above tale - especially in regard to a marked tendency to seek inertia in all things - approached This Writer and, in utter sincerity and seriousness, offered an incredible insight: a female patient who strongly desires to commit suicide could do it with tampons! Yes! They really ARE dangerous, after all! Thus the Sir Cornelius Of Old is Truly Vindicated! [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=3]How would this be accomplished, you ask? Why, in this ingenious manner: said female would insert said tampon and wait patiently to die of toxic shock syndrome. May I add that Cornelius was rather affronted by the Shrieks of Mirth which greeted this fine suggestion? The End. Love, P[/size][/font]
[size=3]Of course every Faerie Storie must be accompanied by Pretty Pictures, so here're a couple of Heroick Figures.[/size]
[url="http://photobucket.com/albums/v70/entersandman111/DJDM/?"][img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v70/entersandman111/DJDM/DIdjd064.jpg[/img][/url]
[url="http://photobucket.com/albums/v70/entersandman111/?"][img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v70/entersandman111/G11421916544447.jpg[/img][/url]
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