The Artist Formerly Known's Review of Prometheus


  • 13 months ago via Rotten Tomatoes
    Prometheus

    Prometheus (2012)

    Okay, where to begin. Firstly, Prometheus is a visually stunning film that unfortunately lacks a LOT when it comes to character development, story, and good old plain and simple logic. It's one of the most self-disavowing films I've ever seen, in that it will make a claim one minute and completely go against it the next. It even defies its own logic several times, and goes through tremendous effort in order to tell a completely unnecessary story that audiences couldn't care less about-- where the Xenomorphs come from. And trust me, it's far less interesting than you think.

    Noomi Rapeface stars as an archaeologist who gets funding from Guy Pearce in stupid old-man-makeup to travel billions of miles in search of alien life based on a cave painting she found. So yeah-- it's THAT kind of movie. It flies in the face of everything that is logical, and it would have been acceptable it it didn't take itself so GOD DAMN SERIOUSLY. It thinks it's answering life's biggest questions, when really all it's doing is using great special effects and spooky atmospherics to deliver a pathetic follow-up to the gripping and amazing film that was Alien.

    The saving grace of Prometheus is Michael Fassbender in the role he was born to play: An android. He's not an Arnold Schwarzenegger-style actor, so he actually has to WORK on his robotic acting, and he does it quite well. His scenes are some of the best in the movie, and his android voice is just as soothingly calm as Morgan Freeman's narration in The Shawshank Redemption. He tries to avoid being too much like Data from Star Trek, and brings his own chops to the table, but really there's only so many ways to play a robot.

    Noomi and her idiot boyfriend land their Serenity-rip-off spaceship right in the middle of a road on the alien planet, seeing as there's absolutely NO possibility that they could get blown up by an unsuspecting alien presence. They stupidly march right into an alien pyramid (which isn't actually a pyramid even though they keep calling it that), and promptly take off their helmets like every dumbass does in every bad sci-fi movie. So, what comes next in the long line of horror/sci-fi tropes?

    That's right, kids! They split up! The rest of the crew goes back to the ship, while the idiot biologist and the stoner geologist wander the caves. And here's where the movie becomes unforgivably stupid: Although the geologist brought incredibly high-tech futuristic GPS devices, he somehow gets lost in the caves. Oh, and the biologist gets scared by a thousand-year-old corpse, yet finds a worm that is basically a penis and a vagina wrapped into one alien being, and he acts like it's his new best friend. Then he tries to pet it, and it wraps itself around his neck and kills him. Fucking genius, you idiot.

    Then Data finds some black goo (totally not an X-Files rip-off) and puts it in Noomi's boyfriend's drink. Why? Because the Plotline demands it! So he goes nuts and has to be set on fire, while Noomi ends up pregnant with his creepy alien baby. She pulls the squid-baby out of her uterus and leaves it to die. Three words: WHAT. THE. FUCK. This is the stupidest shit I have EVER seen in a theater. And again, plot holes abound! First, when they're examining the alien head they found, they say the DNA is an exact match of human DNA. Any fucking first-grader could tell you that this means the aliens AREN'T aliens, they're FUCKING HUMANS. Also, it's been established that the machine Noomi uses for her improvised abortion is only calibrated for men. She tells it to remove a 'foreign object' from her body, so WHY DOESN'T IT TEAR OUT HER OVARIES? FUCK!

    Then the fucking goo makes a retarded ape-zombie out of the geologist... and the old guy is conveniently on the ship, and they go find an alien... but at that point, I stopped giving a fuck. Not to mention the part where Idris Elba abandons his crew to go fuck Charlize Theron. Oh, and then the alien ship starts rolling along the ground, and Noomi demonstrates her incredible incapability to run in directions OTHER THAN STRAIGHT FUCKING LINES. Meanwhile, she's doing all this shit after getting her uterus cut open, but she feels fine running long distances, getting hit in the chest, and rappelling down incredibly tall structures.

    Then, LO AND BEHOLD! The squid-baby is alive and back with a vengeance! It gobbles up one of the aliens and impregnates IT with a Xenomorph. Don't ask me how all these ridiculous genetic mutations somehow work out, but I'm sure it all makes sense to Ridley Scott. Shit... he'd better not make a prequel to Blade Runner. So yeah, after sitting through two hours of this ridiculous shit, we finally see one last scene in which the Xenomorph pops out of the alien's chest. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo, what a waste of my time. Also, time for a few more plot holes! It's later established that the map that the aliens drew ALL over Earth was not to their homeworld, but one of their weapons facilities. So why in the actual fuck would they draw maps to their weapons facilities all over another planet? FUCK! It's sooooo stupid! Also, why did the aliens want to kill all the humans in the first place? And why did the black guy die a stupid death AGAIN? First we have to see Idris Elba sacrifice himself in this, and then Pacific Rim? Is there no other character development that they can write for this guy other than 'he dies?'

    Anyway, the acting is mediocre at best, the plot is utterly retarded, and the action is as dumb as it comes. Prometheus is a rare kind of movie, in that not many like it exist (for a good reason). It's ludicrous, idiotic, and the biggest sin of all, it's not very entertaining. Altogether a dumb film that tries to be a lot smarter than it actually is, but ends up just asking a lot of questions while answering none of them. Final Score for Prometheus: 5/10 stars. Just stupid, stupid, stupid stupidity here. Nothing more, nothing less. If you watch it, have fun keeping a running tally of the number of times Noomi Rapace hold her mouth slightly open in a blank stare!

  • Find us on:                     
    Help | About | Jobs | Critics Submission | Press | API | Licensing | Mobile