Cinema fans rejoice. Gravity is my favorite film of 2013, one of your favorite films of 2013, and one of the critics' favorite films of 2013. I think it's also safe to say that Gravity is also now one of my favorite films in recent years. Alfonso Cuaron deserves one hell of a round of applause. This movie is incredible. Words can't explain the amazement.

Gravity is a sci-fi outer space techno-thriller directed by Prisoner of Azkaban and Children of Men helmer Alfonso Cuaron, who co-wrote Gravity's script with his son, Jonas Cuaron. This film was in development since 2010. It was to star Angelina Jolie and Robert Downey, Jr. as the lead roles. However, Jolie dropped out to direct In the Land of Blood and Honey, which was a great film. Multiple actresses then auditioned for the female lead role, like Scarlett Johansson, Blake Lively, Marion Cotillard, and Natalie Portman. Sandra Bullock was then chosen for the role. Robert Downey, Jr. dropped out to do Iron Man 2, Due Date, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, Marvel's The Avengers, and Iron Man 3, so he was replaced by Danny Ocean himself, George Clooney.

Filmed digitally on a budget of exactly $100 million, which was a bit lower than the usual 3D/CGI film (The Hobbit, The Avengers, Iron Man 3, Avatar, Star Trek), the film was shot by expert cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki. Father and son Cuaron intended the film to be as scientifically accurate despite a few inaccuracies and exaggerations. For example, in the movie, the explosions and falling debris crashing into things are completely non-audible. Warner Bros. Pictures made the action audible in the trailers to make the movie appear more exciting. In 2013, Gravity was released in IMAX and Real-D theaters everywhere, in the beginning of slasher icon month.

Gravity involves bio-medical engineer Dr. Ryan Stone, played wonderfully by Sandra Bullock, who's on her first space mission. Joining her is to-be-retired veteran astronaut Matt Kowalski, played by George Clooney. Clooney does a great job playing this character and the dialogue helps Clooney and Bullock's performances. It amazes me...in the GOOD way. I really like the opening shot of this film and how it lasts for like fifteen-or-so minutes. What kept me invested was Alfonso Cuaron's brilliant direction and Emmanuel Lubezki's beautiful cinematography. Lubezki's cinematography beats out Larry Smith's cinematography for Only God Forgives. Oh, yeah. I went there, motherfuckers.

So, as Ryan, Matt, and the other members of the crew of the spaceship Explorer get into space, falling satellite debris crashes into the ship during a spacewalk. Let me just talk about the 3D and the special effects for a second. They are stunning. They are just unbelievably gorgeous. The CGI and special effects are absolutely remarkable, quite possibly some of the best I've seen since Avatar. The 3D actually works in this film. I saw this in IMAX 3D yesterday (opening day), and I honest to God felt like I was actually in space. To quote a line Sandra Bullock says in this movie: it's terrifyingly beautiful. I also found it very clever how they got Mission Control to be voiced by Ed Harris, in a reference to another wonderful outer space film: Ron Howard's classic, Apollo 13.

Back to the story, and be warned because there's a shit-ton of spoilers ahead, Stone and Kowalski are now floating in space with a limited amount of air. The debris hits other satellites, causing a chain reaction of destruction until the satellites necessary for them to communicate with Mission Control in Houston are also destroyed. Even though they don't receive messages from Mission Control, both Kowalski and Stone continue to transmit in the blind to Mission Control, in the hopes that Mission Control can hear them.

Stone tumbles out of control after separating from the shuttle's cargo bay arm. Kowalski, who's wearing a thruster pack as part of his spacesuit, navigates to Stone and retrieves her. They tether together, and make their way back to Explorer, where they discover the shuttle has been damaged beyond repair, and the rest of their crew is dead. They then decide to use the thruster pack to make their way to the ISS, which is nearby in orbit. Kowalski sets the timer on his suit for an hour and a half, estimating the debris that destroyed Explorer will orbit the Earth and come back around in that amount of time.

Kowalski's ever calm and efficient in the crisis, continuing to reassure Stone that they'll both make it back to Earth safely. En route to the ISS, they discuss Stone's life back home and the death of her young daughter in a schoolyard accident. As they approach the ISS, it's clear that the ISS crew has evacuated due to the debris field causing damage. One Soyuz module for delivering ISS crew and returning them to Earth is missing, used by the ISS crew to evacuate the station. The other Soyuz module has been damaged, and its landing parachute has been deployed as a result. It becomes clear that the remaining Soyuz module can't return them to Earth safely.

As they approach the ISS they realize they have almost no air left and only one thruster burst remaining in Kowalski's pack. They bounce off the many parts of the ISS as they attempt to grab on at their accelerated speed relative to the station. Stone is able to grab onto the ISS for a moment, however, Kowalski's momentum yanks Stone away from the ISS. As they both bounce off the ISS further, a solar wind they pass severs the tether holding the two together. At the last moment, Stone's leg becomes entangled in parachute cords connected to the Soyuz reentry module, and is able to grab hold of the tether connected to Kowalski. His additional mass stretches the parachute cords entangled to Stone's leg to nearly break free because the damaged ISS is losing altitude and the rarefied air molecules are beginning to exert too much drag on both astronauts. He sacrifices himself for her survival and unclips his strap, floating away.

When Kowalski sacrificed himself to save Ryan's life, I was nearly in tears. This is one of the most emotional scenes I've ever seen in a film. This film handles its emotional grounding superbly. Never was it overdrawn nor was it forced. It was perfect, along with the screenplay. Father and son Cuaron have a supreme amount of talent. It's amazing. So amazing that it can't be put into words.

Back to the plot, Stone indeed floats easily back to the ISS now. Kowalski's still in radio contact with her, asking Stone about her minimal piloting training and instructs Stone to use the Soyuz capsule to travel to the nearby Chinese space station Tiangong by using the small maneuvering rockets to navigate, even though the reentry vehicle itself can't return to earth due to the prematurely deployed parachute. Kowalski says that even if the Chinese have evacuated, she can use the remaining return module that's based on the design of the Soyuz, and Stone's limited training will get her home safely.

Stone boards the ISS, which has been damaged but still has breathable air. Stone makes her way to the Soyuz module, but a fire starts from sparking wires aboard the ISS. She tries vainly to put out the fire, and finally gets aboard the Soyuz. Once aboard, Stone undocks the module and proceeds to fire the thruster, but the parachute cables of the Soyuz are tangled to the ISS, keeping the Soyuz from getting free. Stone puts on one of the Soyuz spacesuits and spacewalks outside to release the parachute cables from the capsule. An hour and a half has passed and during the spacewalk, the satellite debris approaches again, impacting with the ISS and the Soyuz. Stone barely makes it inside the Soyuz in time, just as the debris field impacts and destroys the ISS, but the Soyuz module manages to break free of the ISS.

Stone goes over the emergency manual, and uses the thrusters to line the Soyuz up with Tiangong. She attempts to fire the main Soyuz rocket to navigate to Tiangong; however, the fuel tanks are empty. Stone tries to use the Soyuz radio to contact Earth, but she's only able to reach a farmer who doesn't speak English on a short wave frequency. Stone resigns herself to her fate of dying, and instead of waiting to die from excruciating carbon dioxide poisoning, she slowly begins decompression in the cabin to commit suicide by the painless hypoxia. She begins to fall asleep, running out of oxygen, when she sees Kowalski outside the capsule. Kowalski enters the capsule, to Stone's amazement. Stone tells him that there's no fuel left for the navigation rockets, but Kowalski, ever the optimist, tells Stone that the capsule still has reentry rockets for the touchdown procedure. These will be just as useful for navigating to Tiangong.

Kowalski's suddenly gone and Stone realizes she hallucinated him in her oxygen-deprived state. She turns the oxygen flow back on in the Soyuz and implements the information about the landing thrusters she remembered from her hallucination, firing the thrusters, making her way to Tiangong. Realizing she's gonna miss the station by several dozen meters, Stone picks up a fire extinguisher and opens the Soyuz hatch while the capsule's still pressurized, blowing her across the distance. She navigates to Tiangong using the fire extinguisher as a makeshift thruster. Stone boards Tiangong just as the entire station, having been pushed out of its stable orbit by the satellite debris, starts to burn up on the upper edge of the atmosphere. Stone successfully enters the re-entry commands in the Chinese capsule Shenzhou's computer, and Shenzhou begins its descent towards Earth. On the way down, Stone hears Mission Control over the radio tracking the capsule while rescue teams are being dispatched.

Shenzhou splashes down in a lake in an uninhabited part of the Earth. Stone opens the capsule hatch, but the water rushing in nearly drowns her, pinning her against the back wall. Once the water pressure equalizes, she swims out, but sinks with the weight of her spacesuit. She successfully slips out of her spacesuit and swims to the surface with the last of her breath. She swims to shore watching the remains of Tiangong and other satellite debris as they burn up high in the sky overhead. Stone pulls herself ashore with difficulty and takes her first shaky steps on dry land, gradually adjusting to the Earth's gravity. And the film ends there.

FINAL SCORE: 10/10

Gravity is masterful in all areas. The writing is stellar, the direction is superb, the visual effects are awe-inspiring, the 3D is great, the production design is breathtaking, the cinematography is beautiful, the music score by Steven Price is brilliant, and Sandra Bullock and George Clooney's performances are wonderful. This is sure to make everybody's top 10 of 2013 list, and it is guaranteed to be nominated for and win tons of Oscars and Golden Globes.

Here it is, the king of so-bad-it's-good: the one, the only, Tommy Wiseau's legendary cinematic accomplishment & failure: The Room. This movie is without even a shadow of a doubt the best worst movie of all time.

This film was written, produced, executive produced, and directed by and stars Tommy Wiseau. After we get our opening credits over some shots of San Francisco, we meet Tommy Wiseau's character, Johnny, our protagonist. Wiseau's acting in every single one of his scenes is so fucking awful and unintentionally hilarious, and yet so fun to watch. In his scenes, when he speaks, not one pronunciation of his words are right nor are any of his breaths of air capable of making us believe what he's saying, and in that regard, he's fucking wonderful at giving a truly consistently terrible performance.

Johnny is the guy in town that everybody loves. They all love him. They're all friends with him. He's loved by all. That's gonna change. His fiancée, Lisa, played poorly by Juliette Danielle, wants to dump him because he's, and I quote, boring, but keeps this is a secret. This is revealed after Johnny and Lisa have sex.

This sex scene has to be the most awkward, nauseatingly hilarious, and shittily-made sex scenes ever made, and I saw the sex scene from fucking BloodRayne. Get this? When Johnny's on top of her doing it, it looks he's fucking her naval. I know this sounds like TMI and sounds pretty damn explicit, but believe me, that's what it looks like. Johnny must've flunked sex ed class in high school.

Lisa wants to find someone else to do it with, so she chooses Johnny's best friend, Mark, played poorly by Greg Sestero, the line producer of the movie. Mark has two of the most confusing, out-of-place, and out-of-context lines in the movie. When Lisa tells Mark about her situation, Mark is reluctant as hell, but he gives in anyway. Why? Because plotline. And also to add to the so-called "story". So, they decide the best place to have some wild sex is on the stairs. All three sex scenes in this movie are poorly filmed, terribly written, and have truly awful music. Mark and Lisa promise to keep this affair a secret.

We have another character, Denny, played awkwardly by Phillip Haldiman. According to Tommy Wiseau, Denny is supposed to be mentally retarded. If that's the case, he forgot about how much of a creepy, mindless, awkward, anal, inept, and reprehensibly unorthodox little bastard he is. When he eats an apple, he appears as if he wants to rape some random chick in Glendale on a rainy Tuesday evening. He has a crush on Lisa that's a trillion times larger than The Grinch's heart on Christmas. Johnny acts like somewhat of a father figure to Denny.

In one of the film's most famous scenes, Denny has to own a drug dealer some money, but he claims it's coming in a few minutes. But the drug dealer is not pleased. He holds a gun to his head and keeps yelling "WHERE'S MY FUCKING MONEY, DENNY?!" to him. I wonder if this was how the movie was financed. And then Lisa, Mark, Johnny, and Lisa's mom Claudette, who announces she has breast cancer, come by. Claudette then starts ranting on Denny and drugs, both aware & unaware that it's Denny who needs to own the drug dealer money. After that, Lisa and Mark chat on the phone about their affair.

Oh, wait, I forgot to mention: before the drug dealer scene: Johnny works at the bank and was promised a promotion, but the scumbags at work refused to keep their promise. Lisa orders a pizza and gets Johnny drunk (he doesn't drink, and that leaves everybody with a WTF look on their faces), to which they make out. Then, the next morning, Lisa tells her mom that Johnny hit her.

Then, after the phone chat with Mark and Lisa, we get this:
"I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit. I did not hit her! I DID NOT! Oh, hi, Mark."

That has to be the funniest and the worst piece of acting that has ever been put on film. I am dead fucking serious. Everything wrong and unintentionally humorous about bad actors' performances is shown consistently with every single one of Tommy Wiseau's scenes. His acting is so bad, so, so wonderfully bad, it's downright magnificent, even throughout.

One of the best things about this movie is that it's instantly quotable. Like the "I did not hit her" line and many others. In fact, I'll list them:

"Keep your stupid comments in your pocket!"
"As far as I'm concerned, you can drop off the Earth. That's a promise."
"Anyway, how's your sex life?"
"Ha ha ha, what a story, Mark."
"I cannot tell you, it's confidential."
"Don't touch me, motherfucker."
"I'm fed up with this world!"
"In a few minutes, bitch."

And last, but most certainly not least:
"YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!"

We also have scenes of Johnny, Denny, and/or Mark playing football together. What's funny about these scenes is the way they play football. It doesn't look like they're playing it. In fact, they're really not playing it. All they're doing is throwing it back and forth to one another. It's like they don't even know the rules of football. There's actually a theory that has been recently developed in which after you watch this movie, you'll never look at a football the same way again.

I don't think I can explain the plot without laughing my ass off at how awful the writing, directing, and acting are. It's just so bad on every level, but it's truly fantastic at being this bad. It's astounding. Getting back to the, and I quote, "story," Lisa and Mark still continue their affair, Johnny hears Lisa chatting with her mom about not loving Johnny anymore so he decides to record everything, Lisa throws a party for Johnny, Johnny tells everybody he and Lisa are expecting although Lisa was lying to make the party more interesting, and Johnny and Mark fight after Johnny gets mad that everybody betrayed him, so Johnny calls Mark a chicken, and Mark, clearly pissed that Johnny poorly imitated his favorite farm animal, fights with him.

Johnny discovers the affair, he lashes out at Lisa, Lisa leaves him, Johnny throws a temper tantrum and destroys his apartment, he grabs a gun, and commits suicide. The film ends with Lisa, Mark, and Denny discovering Johnny's dead body. Sad as hell, they all embrace and the end.

FINAL SCORE: 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, & 10/10 (any and every score is right for this film)

This film is something that can't be ignored nor can it be forgotten. Consistently lame performances, hypnotizingly lame writing, everything bad about films, it's all here, and you know what, it's a truly terrific accomplishment in that regard. Forget Troll 2, forget Plan 9 from Outer Space, and forget Glen or Glenda. Why? Because The Room is the greatest bad movie of all time. Period.

Halloween, without a doubt one of the best horror films ever made. It's definitely a classic in the genre. You have a lead character who you root for and is likeable, a villain who's always mysterious and is frightening, an endless amount of tension, a high level of suspense and dread, a Hitchcock-esque atmosphere, and a good story.

The film was directed by filmmaking legend John Carpenter, who, at the time, was hot off the success of his low-budget independent action thriller Assault on Precinct 13, and was asked to make a horror film by Irwin Yablans. So, a script was written by Carpenter and his close friend, Debra Hill, titled "The Babysitter Murders". Over time, the script was re-titled Halloween and was now set on Halloween night. The film was made on a budget of $325,000 and was released in 1978. Over time, people loved this film and is now the highest-grossing independent film of all time, with a gross of $70 million.

The film starts off with Carpenter's forever-awesome Halloween theme as the very well-done opening credits roll. We begin in 1963 on Halloween night. A little boy named Michael Myers is a normal, average, everyday 6-year-old kid, until this night. He suddenly snaps. Through his POV, he grabs a butcher knife from the kitchen, heads up to his sister's room, and stabs her to death. When his parents come home and take his mask off, he holds the knife with no sign of emotion.

Fifteen years later, the character everybody remembers and loves, Dr. Loomis, played brilliantly by Donald Pleasence, drives to Saint Grove Sanitarium with a nurse. It's a very rainy night. As they pull over, Michael escapes the sanitarium, attacks Loomis and the nurse, steals the car, and drives off to his hometown of Haddonfield.

In Haddonfield, we meet our protagonist Laurie Strode, played very well by Jamie Lee Curtis in her acting debut. She has to babysit her 8-year-old neighbor Tommy Doyle tonight. You can think of Laurie as the horror film equivalent of a girl scout. She's a kind, strong, and smart individual, and you root for her because you really like her. She's got two best friends: Annie, the daughter of the local sheriff, and Lynda, the cheerleader who likes to use the word "totally" a lot. The three of them are likeable.

Sheriff Leigh Brackett (get it? Like Leigh Brackett, co-writer of Empire Strikes Back and Rio Bravo?) is investigating a warehouse store where he assumes some kids stole a Halloween mask and some knives (or is it?). Loomis heads to Haddonfield and meets up with Brackett about the current situation he's involved him. Although a bit reluctant, Brackett agrees to help.

Michael Myers begins stalking Laurie, like any other typical psychopath. But when she first notices, he's there, and when she looks back for a second time, he's gone. This is part of the reason why Michael works as a horror villain: he's always mysterious. He needs no explanation for his evil. He's mysterious. We love mystery, we love suspense, we love the unknown, there is a fear of the unknown, something the people who made Halloween 6 forgot about. So Michael isn't technically human.

So, the night where kids are trick-or-treating, people are throwing parties, and everybody is wearing costumes. Laurie's babysitting Tommy at his house, and Annie is babysitting Lindsey Wallace, a friend of Tommy's. Annie wants to go out with her boyfriend Paul, so she asks Laurie to babysit her as well. But before she could drive, Michael pops up from the back seat and attacks her as some creepily eerie music plays. He finally kills her by slitting her throat. Notice how there's hardly any blood or gore. Carpenter didn't want to do a gory slasher; he wanted to make a truly scary Hitchcockian horror thriller, focusing on suspense, tension, dread, and atmosphere rather than gallons of blood. In that regard, he succeeded triumphantly.

Lynda drives to Annie's house with her boyfriend Bob, who looks like a mix-up of Chris Stuckmann, James Rolfe, Lou Taylor Pucci, Lucas Till, Miles Teller, Skylar Astin, Oliver Cooper, the Hemsworth brothers, and every high school guy and/or nerd with glasses combined into one, to make out, drink beer, and have sex. But Michael shows up. He kills Bob by pinning him to a wall and stabbing him in the chest with a knife. Michael then kills Lynda by strangling her with a telephone cord. In case you ask, yes, you do get to see Lynda's tits in this scene.

Loomis and the sheriff enter the old, abandoned Myers house where Loomis discusses Michael. When he first met him, he saw that his eyes were some of the blackest and darkest he's ever seen. He believed those were the eyes of the Devil himself, and what he saw in Michael was nothing but pure and simple evil. Michael isn't human; he's really the incarnation of evil itself.

As Laurie, Lindsey, and Tommy watch the classic sci-fi horror thriller The Thing from Another World (oh, the irony), Tommy keeps noticing Michael, whom he refers to as the Boogeyman. Laurie checks on Annie's house. She finds the dead Annie on a bed with Michael's sister's tombstone on the pillows. She's truly horrified, and then out of nowhere, Bob's corpse swings by upside down. You can tell from her screams that this shit is really damn scary. She finds the dead Lynda in a drawer. Popping out of nowhere, Michael stabs her in the shoulder and she ends up falling, landing on the stairs. The horror is already getting real, motherfuckers.

She runs away to Tommy's house, terrified beyond relief, and as she gets in, Michael pops up from behind the couch and she stabs him in the neck with a knitting needle. He drops dead and she catches up with Tommy and Lindsey. The Boogeyman's here and she killed him. But Tommy points out that nobody can kill the Boogeyman, so as it turns out: Michael can't be killed no matter how hard one might try. After we get my favorite scary scene in the movie where Laurie hides in the closet and Michael attacks, she undoes a clothes hanger, pokes him in the eye with it, he drops the knife, Laurie grabs it, and she stabs him with it.

But the horror isn't over yet. Michael attacks Laurie and she pushes him and takes off his mask. We get a brief (I repeat, BRIEF) glimpse of his face as he puts his mask back on. Loomis shows up to save the day. He shoots Michael six times and Michael finally drops off the balcony, lying dead on the dirt and grass. Laurie asks Loomis if Michael was the Boogeyman, to which Loomis replies, "As a matter of fact...it was". Loomis looks out at the balcony and Michael is gone. This speculates that Michael could be anywhere at any time. We hear Michael's heavy breathing through the background. This scene also proves a point John Carpenter wanted to make while making this movie: Evil never dies.

FINAL SCORE: 10/10

This is one of the most chilling and terrifying films to come along in years. The actors all did good jobs, the script was very well-done, John Carpenter did a fantastic job directing the film and doing the music, the amount of tension was endless, and the atmosphere was horrific. Halloween is truly a classic in the horror genre.

Oh, I forgot to mention: How did Michael find his costume? He killed a mechanic and stole his suit and wore it. And Judith's grave was stolen by Michael from the local cemetery. Have a happy Halloween, bitches.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the cheesy, campy, decent Wes Craven sci-fi horror film I talk about all the fucking time due to it having the most iconic death scene ever created. Now, Deadly Friend is a movie people never heard of. Nobody I know at TJ Maxx heard of it, my cousin doesn't know about it, and hell, not even my friends at high school ever heard a smidge about this film. It has a 5.2 on IMDb, a disastrous 0% on RT, although it's not really that disastrous considering it's only got 7 whole reviews in total, and grossed less than $9 million at the box office on a budget of $11 million.

A teenage genius, Paul, played well by Little House on the Prairie's Matthew Laborteaux, moves into a new town with his mom and his invention/friend/pet, a Bumblebee-look-alike who can carry 7500 lbs. in weight named BB (voiced by Roger Rabbit himself), or BeeBee, whatever the fuck. He's got a high IQ and is a whiz kid, thus explaining him teaching classes at Western Polytech, the local university. He gets a new friend in Tom, the local paperboy, he gets along with Dr. Johanson at the university, where he's studying the human brain, and his neighbor across the street is a crazy mean old lady neighbor bitch named Elvira Parker, played by Mama Fratelli (& Lift) herself, Anne Ramsey. Elvira is paranoid as hell, threatens people with a loaded shotgun, lives in a house protected by a chain-link fence, and gets killed by something she takes away, but we'll get to that later.

After getting adjusted to his new home, Paul gets a crush on his next-door neighbor Samantha, played very well by Kristy Swanson a.k.a. the chick Charlie Sheen kidnapped in the okay action comedy, The Chase. Sam even starts to like Paul as well. But Sam has an abusive alcoholic father who constantly gets drunk, beats her, and puts her on the edge of death. On Halloween night, Paul, Sam, Tom, and BB try to pull a prank on Elvira. When the prank fails, Elvira shoots the living shit out of BB.

A month later, Paul and Sam share their first kiss while he still mourns for BB. Oh, wait, I forgot to mention: DREAM SEQUENCE: Sam stabs her dad with a broken vase as her dad laughs at her in a close-up and blood hoses onto her face. Speaking of her dad, he kills Sam by pushing her down the stairs pretty damn hard, giving her brain damage. When Paul hears about this, he's heartbroken, but he has an idea: he's studying the human brain and BB's microchip is artificially intelligent. The microchip can link A.I. with the brain. So, he implants the chip into Sam's brain and Sam is now an android zombie. But then she gets out of control.

BB and Sam fight within each other for control of the body, akin to possession, while BB tries righting the wrongs committed against him with the help of Sam. For example, Sam finds her dad, yanks him off his feet down the stairs, breaks his wrist, and snaps his neck. I'm kinda glad because Sam's dad is a completely one-dimensional bore. Then, we get to the most famous scene in the movie. Remember when I said I talk about this film all time? Now, you're gonna know why.

So, the robot part of Sam finds Elvira, throws her to a wall, and as Elvira screams her lungs out like a retarded moronic dumbshit, Sam grabs the basketball Elvira stole from Tom earlier in the film and throws it at her head, causing it to explode on impact with gallons of blood and gore.

I talk about this scene A LOT. The abstract concept of a head explosion by a basketball is so fucking over-the-top, ridiculous, and goofy that you can't help but love it. Yes, there is a plot hole: an implanted robot microchip into your brain can't give you super-strength. Yes, I know that a basketball cannot at all do that much damage. Yes, the scene wasn't really impressive. Yes, the blood and gore look like Heinz ketchup and Welch's strawberry jam. Yes, when the body makes weird sound effects while running around in circles it looks like a puppet. I don't even care. This scene was irritating as hell, scary as shit, and funny as fuck, all at the same time, for all the wrong and the right reasons. It's amazing, it's disturbing, it's sick, it's side-splitting, and most importantly, it's one of the most creative, original, hilarious, overblown, and goriest death scenes in horror film history.

So after we get the scene that can't be ignored at all, Paul needs to stop the monster he has created, but before he does that, ANOTHER DREAM SEQUENCE: Paul dreams of a basketball bouncing up on his bed and the ball turns out to be the burnt head of Sam's dad. He gets into a fight with Tom, Sam kills some biker gang punk who threatened Paul and Tom earlier in the movie, the cops surround her, Sam starts turning human again, she returns to android zombie form, they shoot her, Sam dies in Paul's arms, so that's the end, right?

No, it's not, because after that, we get the most retarded ending to a film ever. Paul visits the morgue, a more malevolent version of BB pops out of Sam's head, Sam snaps his neck telling him to come with her (into oblivion, I guess), and the credits roll with BB being played and said over and over again. This ending is so shitty and so ludicrous it makes the basketball death scene look like something by David Mamet.

FINAL SCORE: 6.5/10

Yes, it's not really a good film and it has many flaws, but if you want to have some cheesy, campy fun with some corny 80's music and a plot that isn't full of substance, then this might be the movie for you.

Now there's an original cut of the film that was more of a sci-fi thriller. I talked many times about how the eventual film came to be, so I don't feel like talking about it now, but if the original cut was released, it wouldn't be like a modern Casablanca, but it would've been much better than the theatrical cut. But I'm okay with what we eventually have and I hope the original cut is released sometime in the future, maybe in 2016 to celebrate the movie's 30th anniversary.

Oh, I forgot to mention: Paul has a remote-controlled robot girl all to himself...and he never once thought of making her do *things*? Yeah, right.

A Good Day to Die Hard is a fun dumb regular stand-alone action movie. But as a Die Hard film, it's piss-poor beyond comprehension. John McClane isn't John McClane anymore, the plot is stupid as hell, the writing is anything but good, the action was fun but the camerawork and editing were awful, the villain is so idiotic that words can't explain it, and it's just a blatant mess mistaken for a Die Hard movie.

John McClane's son, Jack, played by a mostly-miss-and-not-enough-hit Jai Courtney, has been arrested in Moscow and John goes there to help him out. But he finds he's once again in the wrong place at the wrong time, but for all the wrong reasons. Jack now hates his dad just because he wasn't there for him growing up. It's been 25 years, ever heard of learning to deal with it? Also, Jack hating John is a blatant carbon copy of Lucy hating John in Live Free or Die Hard. In that film, Lucy had legitimate reasons for hating John. He was overprotective. That's relatable. Also, Lucy was actually a decent character. Jack is just a whiny CIA asshat. Justin Long from Die Hard 4 had much more personality than him and he was just a fucking computer hacker for Christ's sakes!

When John finds out Jack is working for the CIA, Jack tells him he's trying to locate some Russian millionaire prisoner named Yuri Komarov, who is believed to have had a file that included evidence on his ally-turned-rival, Anton Chagarin. And there's some bad guy named Alik who serves nothing to the story until later on. Speaking of Alik, I forgot to talk about the first action sequence we have. It's a car chase through Russia with Alik pursuing John, John pursuing Jack, and Alik also pursuing Jack. The practical explosions and car stunts were entertaining as hell and the music by Marco Beltrami kicks tons of ass. But the shaky-cam and editing was borderline poor. John Moore, please hire a cinematographer who doesn't have fucking Parkinson's. The camerawork in Man of Steel and Michael Bay films were better than this. Also, John McClane punches some random Russian guy and tries to get out of a jam by landing on pedestrians' cars, getting off them, and driving away, not giving a single flying, flaming fuck. John McClane is now an unlikeable old guy with superhuman powers. That's not what John McClane is, you fucking retards. He was a caring, nice, witty, smart, and good cop who actually cares about people and gets back up no matter how hard he goes down. Skip Woods of The A-Team and X-Men Origins: Wolverine wrote this movie. Skip, go fuck yourself. You butchered this iconic and legendary character with your inability to know jack shit about Die Hard.

After the chase, John, Jack, and Yuri enter a safe with house with Jack's partner, played by Cole Hauser of Pitch Black and Olympus Has Fallen fame. Cole gets killed and we have another action scene (although it's short). After some number of minutes of boring chatter, they stop at a place where they meet Yuri's smoking hot daughter, Irina, played by a Russian model. So, John Moore is the Irish Michael Bay, eh? That's nice. Alik finds them and PLOT TWIST: Irina betrays her dad. So John and Jack get tied up and...THIS happens: he eats a carrot and tap-dances like a fucking anorexic DEA ballet dancer on Ritalin. Jack has a knife and cuts the knot...and somehow the guards behind them are fucking blind. This leads to--what's that? Oh, yeah! Another action sequence! To the film's credit, this is actually the second best action scene in the film, beating out the car chase. Granted, them jumping out the window and falling through several wood floors onto a rubbish truck is idiotically over-the-top, I had fun with it nonetheless, so don't judge me.

It turns out that the file is in Chernobyl. I'm sorry, but I'm just gonna say it: Russia is a boring location for an action film. It's just not that good a setting. Why not somewhere in Australia or Ireland? Those could be decent action film locations. But fucking Russia? No. Also, how many films have to have Chernobyl? First, there's Transformers 3. Then, there's Chernobyl Diaries. Now, there's this film. The scene where they ENTER Chernobyl is not only boring, but scientifically inaccurate to the point where Diego Tutweiller will go on a rampage against all inept Hollywood screenwriters who don't know jack shit about the elements of film. Deadly Friend is more scientifically accurate than this...and that had a scene where a crazy lady's head got exploded by a fucking basketball of all things!

When Alik demands the file, he gets shot and SURPRISE PLOT TWIST: Yuri was the villain the whole time. He and Irina manipulated the entire sequence of events in order to get revenge on Chagarin. We still don't give a fuck about this useless Chagarin guy and this villain scheme is so nonsensical and outrageous it hurts. The Tyler Perry Alex Cross movie had much less nonsensical moments than this. So, we get the final action sequence, the best action sequence in the film. But I'm too tired of describing this plot. So, Yuri gets killed in a piss-poor reenactment of Hans Gruber's death, causing Irina to ram into a building in a suicide attack, where John and Jack land in a swimming pool of nuclear fallout, they go back to America, and the fucking end.

FINAL SCORE: 3.75/10 (1/10 for quality, 6.5 for entertainment)

As just a regular action film, it's stupid as hell but fun in areas. The action was entertaining and the plot was simple. But it sucks so much ass and balls as a Die Hard film. Shitty direction, horrible writing, lame characters, a nonexistent John McClane, piss-poor camerawork, a terrible plot, and a lame-ass villain with a plan so illogical it hurts. Silva's plan from Skyfall had a billion times more meaning. Good night, people of the world. I'm out.