J's Review of A Good Day To Die Hard


  • 6 months ago via Rotten Tomatoes
    A Good Day To Die Hard

    A Good Day To Die Hard (2013)

    A Good Day to Die Hard is piss-poor beyond comprehension. John McClane isn't John McClane anymore, the plot is stupid as hell, the writing is anything but good, the action was fun but the camerawork and editing were awful, the villain is so idiotic that words can't explain it, and it's just a blatant mess mistaken for a Die Hard movie.

    John McClane's son, Jack, played by a mostly-miss-and-not-enough-hit Jai Courtney, has been arrested in Moscow and John goes there to help him out. But he finds he's once again in the wrong place at the wrong time, but for all the wrong reasons. Jack now hates his dad just because he wasn't there for him growing up. It's been 25 years, ever heard of learning to deal with it? Also, Jack hating John is a blatant carbon copy of Lucy hating John in Live Free or Die Hard. In that film, Lucy had legitimate reasons for hating John. He was overprotective. That's relatable. Also, Lucy was actually a decent character. Jack is just a whiny CIA asshat. Justin Long from Die Hard 4 had much more personality than him and he was just a fucking computer hacker for Christ's sakes!

    When John finds out Jack is working for the CIA, Jack tells him he's trying to locate some Russian millionaire prisoner named Yuri Komarov, who is believed to have had a file that included evidence on his ally-turned-rival, Boris Chagarin. And there's some bad guy named Alik who serves nothing to the story until later on. Speaking of Alik, I forgot to talk about the first action sequence we have. It's a car chase through Russia with Alik pursuing John, John pursuing Jack, and Alik also pursuing Jack. The practical explosions and car stunts were entertaining as hell and the music by Marco Beltrami kicks tons of ass. But the shaky-cam and editing was borderline poor. John Moore, please hire a cinematographer who doesn't have fucking Parkinson's. The camerawork in Man of Steel and Michael Bay films were better than this. Also, John McClane punches some random Russian guy and tries to get out of a jam by landing on pedestrians' cars, getting off them, and driving away, not giving a single flying, flaming fuck. John McClane is now an unlikeable old guy with superhuman powers. That's not what John McClane is, you fucking retards. He was a caring, nice, witty, smart, and good cop who actually cares about people and gets back up no matter how hard he goes down. Skip Woods of The A-Team and X-Men Origins: Wolverine wrote this movie. Skip, go fuck yourself. You butchered this iconic and legendary character with your inability to know jack shit about Die Hard.

    After the chase, John, Jack, and Yuri enter a safe with house with Jack's partner, played by Cole Hauser of Pitch Black and Olympus Has Fallen fame. Cole gets killed and we have another action scene (although it's short). After some number of minutes of boring chatter, they stop at a place where they meet Yuri's smoking hot daughter, Irina, played by a Russian model. So, John Moore is the Irish Michael Bay, eh? That's nice. Alik finds them and PLOT TWIST: Irina betrays her dad. So John and Jack get tied up and...THIS happens: he eats a carrot and tap-dances like a fucking anorexic DEA ballet dancer on Ritalin. Jack has a knife and cuts the knot...and somehow the guards behind them are fucking blind. This leads to--what's that? Oh, yeah! Another action sequence! To the film's credit, this is actually the second best action scene in the film, beating out the car chase. Granted, them jumping out the window and falling through several wood floors onto a rubbish truck is idiotically over-the-top, I had fun with it nonetheless, so don't judge me.

    It turns out that the file is in Chernobyl. I'm sorry, but I'm just gonna say it: Russia is a boring location for an action film. It's just not that good a setting. Why not somewhere in Australia or Ireland? Those could be decent action film locations. But fucking Russia? No. Also, how many films have to have Chernobyl? First, there's Transformers 3. Then, there's Chernobyl Diaries. Now, there's this film. The scene where they ENTER Chernobyl is not only boring, but scientifically inaccurate to the point where Diego Tutweiller will go on a rampage against all inept Hollywood screenwriters who don't know jack shit about the elements of film. Deadly Friend is more scientifically accurate than this...and that had a scene where a crazy lady's head got exploded by a fucking basketball of all things!

    When Alik demands the file, he gets shot and SURPRISE PLOT TWIST: Yuri was the villain the whole time. He and Irina manipulated the entire sequence of events in order to get revenge on Chagarin. We still don't give a fuck about this useless Chagarin guy and this villain scheme is so nonsensical and outrageous it hurts. The Tyler Perry Alex Cross movie had much less nonsensical moments than this. So, we get the final action sequence, the best action sequence in the film. But I'm too tired of describing this plot. So, Yuri gets killed in a piss-poor reenactment of Hans Gruber's death, causing Irina to ram into a building in a suicide attack, where John and Jack land in a swimming pool of nuclear fallout, they go back to America, and the fucking end.

    FINAL SCORE: 2/10

    It sucks so much ass and balls. Shitty direction, horrible writing, lame characters, a nonexistent John McClane, piss-poor camerawork, a terrible plot, and a lame-ass villain with a plan so illogical it hurts. Silva's plan from Skyfall had a billion times more meaning. Good night, people of the world. I'm out.

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