Dave Holmes

Dave Holmes
Dave Holmes's reviews do not count toward the Tomatometer. This is not a Tomatometer-approved critic, and this critic's reviews are not published on a Tomatometer-approved publication.
Publications: Esquire Magazine

movie Reviews Only

T-Meter Title | Year Review
21% Serenity (2019) As a movie, I did not love it, but as a reminder to get high and do some squats, I found it useful. - Esquire Magazine EDIT
Read More | Posted Jan 31, 2019
49% Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017) I saw Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets the other night, and my soul just tendered its letter of resignation. I have been dazzled to death, entertained to the brink of epilepsy, and I think I might have accidentally gotten Lasik. - Esquire Magazine EDIT
Read More | Posted Oct 17, 2018
7% The Emoji Movie (2017) The Emoji Movie is cynical, dull, exhausting, soulless, joyless, pointless, and never, ever funny. But on the other hand, I enjoy the faces of disappointed children, so for me the whole experience was really kind of a wash. - Esquire Magazine EDIT
Read More | Posted Oct 17, 2018
12% Fifty Shades Freed (2018) The movie is just a few plot ideas thrown here and there, punctuated by sex between two people who might as well be computer-generated. - Esquire Magazine EDIT
Read More | Posted Oct 17, 2018
23% The Happytime Murders (2018) It is both relentless and dull, simultaneously desperate and delighted with itself. It is exactly what we deserve, and it is awful. - Esquire Magazine EDIT
Read More | Posted Oct 16, 2018
23% Mile 22 (2018) If you'd like a barrage of ear-splitting action scenes interspersed with the most tedious arguments you've ever overheard from married couples in restaurants, Mile 22 is the movie for you. - Esquire Magazine EDIT
Read More | Posted Oct 16, 2018
No Score Yet Gotti (2018) Gotti is a terrible, terrible movie. Stay away from it, stugots. - Esquire Magazine EDIT
Read More | Posted Jun 22, 2018
56% The Greatest Showman (2017) The Greatest Showman is absolutely full of it, but it will allow your head to cool off for an hour and forty-five minutes, which, this Christmas perhaps more than any other, might be exactly what you and your family need. - Esquire Magazine EDIT
Read More | Posted Dec 20, 2017
22% The Book of Henry (2017) I feel like I've been mugged by a Decemberists song. I am confused, annoyed, and exhausted-and that doesn't mean I don't recommend it. - Esquire Magazine EDIT
Read More | Posted Nov 6, 2017
69% mother! (2017) Mother! is bleak, ponderous, loud, and endless. - Esquire Magazine EDIT
Read More | Posted Sep 21, 2017
15% Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) All of the characters talk in one of two ways: They're either cracking wise exactly the same, or they're holding forth in what a sixth-grader thinks a Shakespeare monologue sounds like. - Esquire Magazine EDIT
Read More | Posted Jul 21, 2017
C+ 70% American Anarchist (2017) What starts as an interesting look at a man who singularly inspired a lot of violent perpetrators becomes an unnecessarily hectoring judgment of someone who's already been punished for his youthful bravado. - AV Club EDIT
Read More | Posted Mar 23, 2017