Lorian Long Movie Reviews & Previews - Rotten Tomatoes

Lorian Long

Lorian Long
Lorian Long's reviews do not count toward the Tomatometer. This is not a Tomatometer-approved critic, and this critic's reviews are not published on a Tomatometer-approved publication.

Movie Reviews Only

Rating T-Meter Title | Year Review
0.5/5 10% The Unborn (2009) The Unborn is an Exorcist ripoff, with Judaism taking over the religious reins from Catholicism. And sadly, there's no Friedkin behind the camera or Ellen Burstyn in front of the camera to save us from bad-movie hell.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
2.5/5 62% The Reader (2008) Stephen Daldry never really develops this thesis of willed ignorance, opting instead for the impossible equation of relationship melodrama and mass genocide. ‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
2.5/5 79% Doubt (2008) Shanley's Doubt hits and misses in equal measure. It's a tepid cup of tea, a sure Oscar bet. The biggest problem is Shanley sitting in the director's chair. ‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
0.5/5 16% I Can't Think Straight (2008) No amount of lipstick is going to make I Can't Think Straight a better film.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
2.5/5 77% Examined Life (2009) We witness theory in action, but it's too little too late for Taylor's film to be anything but talking heads preaching to the choir.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
3/5 65% Who Does She Think She Is? (2009) Who Does She Think She Is is the kind of film that won't make it outside art houses and feminist theory classrooms, which is a shame, because it serves as a kind of manifesto for anyone, regardless of gender.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
2/5 67% The Escapist (2008) We have a film with a few standout performances, but nothing else to really carry it along. ‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
3/5 54% Perestroika (2009) Perestroika plays like a dream, as past and present blend together in colors, emotions, words, and pictures.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
2.5/5 81% Sex Positive (2009) Daryl Wein makes the mistake of the novice documentarian, portraying his subject as hero rather than human.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
3.5/5 95% Food, Inc. (2009) Food, Inc. is an incriminating portrayal of our nation's food industry.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
2/5 68% Public Enemies (2009) Public Enemies, Michael Mann's latest macho extravaganza, is a feast for the eyes but a famine for the intellect.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
2.5/5 74% The Road (2009) Ultimately, the mediocrity of The Road can be blamed on Hillcoat's vision.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
3/5 43% Jennifer's Body (2009) Thankfully, Jennifer's Body escapes the stale formula of female sexuality = death and destruction, by allowing "innocent" Needy to enjoy sex without using it as a weapon. ‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
1.5/5 63% Extract (2009) Things just ain't as funny from the boss' point of view.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
2/5 74% La Mujer sin Cabeza (The Headless Woman) (2008) The Headless Woman's greatest achievement is also its greatest flaw: Martel's decision to use camera angles rather than characterization to highlight the intricacies of class and apathy. ‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
4/5 68% Bruno (2009) However, it is the outrageousness of Brüno's libido that liberates the film from being anything other than revolutionary.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
2/5 69% Delta (2009) Besides the film's aesthetics, Tóth's performance may be the only reason to watch Delta.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
2/5 66% Youth in Revolt (2010) Overall, Youth in Revolt is formulaic but genuine.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
0.5/5 53% The Greatest (2010) The Greatest is the kind of movie you're forced to watch on TBS while visiting your parents on a Saturday afternoon.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
1.5/5 81% I Am Love (2010) I Am Love is visually alive, but emotionally still-born. Perhaps it's lust they're after, not love.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
2/5 71% The Last Exorcism (2010) Despite a smart exploitation of the too-serious-for-its-own-good Exorcism film, The Last Exorcism does little else to complicate what could be a critique of parenting, dogma, and the science of shame.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
0/5 71% Hello Lonesome (2011) There's really not much else to say about Hello Lonesome other than it could give the Lifetime channel a run for its hysterical money.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
3/5 67% The Ballad of Genesis and Lady Jaye (2012) The Ballad of Genesis and Lady Jaye is a thoughtful, beautiful portrait of two gender-bending weirdos in love with themselves and each other.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
1/5 82% Bonsái (2012) Just once, though, it'd be great to see a film about writers that is as dull and pointless as my sitting here has been for the past two hours.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
4/5 84% Whores' Glory (2012) Glawogger is much less interested in a moralistic agenda than he is in exploring just how visceral of a transaction love can be.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 10, 2017
4/5 85% The Master (2012) I have no idea how to feel about this film. This is rare, and I like that The Master is difficult to parse upon a single viewing.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 5, 2017
1.5/5 92% Farewell, My Queen (2012) A much better film could have been made if Jaquot had found a balanced parallel between the storming of the Bastille and Sidonie's attempt to simultaneously possess her Queen and annihilate herself. But no balance is found.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 5, 2017
2/5 56% Nuit #1 (2012) Catherine de Léan's performance in this last scene saves Nuit #1 from being a complete waste of time. ‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 5, 2017
0.5/5 10% About Cherry (2012) You're better off taking a tour of The Armory than you are watching About Cherry.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 5, 2017
2/5 78% Dredd (2012) Director Pete Travis' Dredd drops the 'Judge' from the title of the 1995 camp-fest, Judge Dredd, and in doing so, evokes a heaviness that feels more, yes, 'dreadful' than its original Sylvester Stallone vehicle.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 5, 2017
1/5 No Score Yet La leggenda di Kaspar Hauser (2013) We're left with a dead film.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 5, 2017
1/5 No Score Yet Welcome To The Machine (2013) Weider goes down the geek road of 'will the robots rule us?' and offers a bland, messy, and ultimately misguided documentary.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017
3/5 64% The Jeffrey Dahmer Files (2013) [Jeffrey Dahmer Files] is a bloodless, quiet, slowly-paced film about one of America's most notorious serial killers‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017
1/5 No Score Yet Kaspar Hauser (1996) If The Legend of Kaspar Hauser weren't based on an already inherently fascinating story of a pathological liar who fooled an entire society, then maybe it could pass as some vaguely interesting piece of eye candy. ‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017
3.5/5 100% The Waiting Room (2012) The Waiting Room is proof that we probably won't see any kind of stabilized universal healthcare in action for a very, very long time, despite the begging of so many who need it.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017
5/5 67% Spring Breakers (2013) Spring Breakers goofs off in a way atypical in Korine's body of work in that it's a tightly controlled substance. ‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017
0/5 No Score Yet I Send You This Place (2013) I don't understand why Sisson felt the need to narrate the film, as anything as massively ferocious as the land of ice can certainly present itself as the land of pain without Sisson's repeatedly voiced inner dialogue. ‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017
0.5/5 22% The Canyons (2013) The Canyons is void of any layers, any interesting shifts in narrative positions that would make it seem less definable and more complex. ‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017
3/5 82% Camille Claudel, 1915 (2013) To watch the second half of Camille Claudel 1915 bomb so completely with an unnecessary shift in tone is annoying - mostly because self-reflection is always less interesting than the immersion of moment to moment.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017
0.5/5 94% Her (2013) Her is overwhelming in its narcissistic pity and entitled idleness.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017
5/5 88% A Spell To Ward Off The Darkness (2014) What's left is for us to disappear, and it is only with this disappearance of Self that utopia can be found.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017
2/5 87% Abuse of Weakness (2014) It's unfortunate that the film based so literally on Breillat's life is perhaps her least ambitious and most forgettable film.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017
2/5 67% It's All So Quiet (2015) It's a shame that impatience is such a target audience and filmmakers are quick to explain.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017
0/5 26% Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) This fan base deserved something other than a glorified commercial, its blandness almost bullylike. Dear Reader, stick with the fantasy.‐ Tiny Mix Tapes
Read More | Posted Oct 4, 2017