Charles Band: "David, we've signed Klaus Kinski to do a picture with you."
The Future Director of "Puppetmaster" is speechless. There are stars in his eyes: his film school daydreams have come to miraculous fruition. Kinski, a living legend of the cinema, in his little movie! Yes, things are coming up roses for the Future Director of "Puppetmaster".
CB: "Filming starts in a week. Now man up and snort this line."
Future Director of "Puppetmaster": "Charlie, this is fantastic. You are a prince among men. This could be our ticket to the big leagues. How did you get a star like Klaus Kinski to come work for us?"
Charles Band does not mention that this late in his career and probably at the height of a lifetime of craziness, Kinksi could probably be coerced to star in a picture with an offer of, I dunno, a dose of methadone and a piece of raw meat.
FDo"P": "I'm so nervous about filming. I haven't even seen the script yet."
CB: "Oh. Hey, David, the thing is... we really don't have a script."
Again the Future Director of "Puppetmaster" is speechless, as his film school daydreams suffer a meteroric rise and fall in the space of a minute. There is a sort of awkward silence for a bit. Charles Band snorts a few lines and gets really pumped. Finally...
FDo"P" (speaking down in a scared-baby voice, like Tippi Hedren at the end of "Marnie". Hey man, you should go watch "Marnie" again, you know? Except this time, stooooonnned): "No script?"
CB: "Well, there was one. But it was about a mad Nazi scientist, posing as a mild-mannered landlord, raising an army of mutant midget Nazis. And with the puppeteers on strike... [What, you kids don't recall the Great Puppeteer Strike of 1984? Psshh. It was the beginning of the end for Sid and Marty Krofft, some say... Anywho...] Well, its just not viable for filming. You'll have to come up with something on the fly."
FDo"P" (again with the scared baby voice): "On the fly?"
CB: "David, stop this mishigas. Look on the bright side. You've got Klaus Kinski. What more can you need in a horror movie? Dress him up like a Nazi. Have him smear himself with lipstick and eyeliner like a drunken prozzie. He won't mind. Film him oogling his buxom female co-stars as they undress."
Both men are visibly disturbed by this last image.
FDo"P": "You think they'll really undress in front of Klaus Kinski?"
CB: "Of course they won't. You'll have to coax him into the crawlspace where they can't see him."
Thus inspiration hit like a lightning bolt. "Midget Nazis" was rechristened "Crawlspace". Charles Band and the Future Director of "Puppetmaster" furiously snorted some more coke and bounded into the air, bumping chests triumphantly, and a rainbow descended upon Charles Band's east LA penthouse (don't knock it, the rent is reasonable) and with it the fruits of prosperity. The end.