Fire and Ice Reviews
unsuspecting populace. (How somebody can unleash a slow moving glacier nobody can get out of the way of or, not see coming, I don't know.) Anyway, awkwardly this appears all very sexually painful looking when Necron casts his glacier magic and what appears to be a money shot is replaced by ice reaching up into the sky and cracking open with a bit too much excitement. When one perfectly tanned white man survives with his groin intact (Taro), he fights off hordes of similarly clad cro-magnon Native Americans and saves a woman (Teegra) with a similarly tiny mini-kini from Fire Keep. (Apparently their females have an amazing power- wearing incredible bikinis that never come off, give us a nip-shot or get dirty and torn. Their men all pass for dead ringers for Conan the Barbarian, and have a talent for very little screen time.) Necron in the end decides he doesn't want peace, and we're left to assume it's because he doesn't look good in a man-kini or can be passed off as the afformentioned Conan double. Then all hell breaks loose when a Native American Batman who rides a teradactyl and appears to be the only one who can wield a weapon, axes all of the cro-mags to death.
As the glaciers come closer to Fire keep, will Necron somehow force anybody to wear more than a loin cloth? Teegra to Lorem: "I'm cold." Lorem: "THEN PUT ON SOME FREAKING CLOTHES WOMAN." Only the incredibly tini-kini can tell... What's the solution? Let's have the good guys unleash lava and destroy the ice, and everything else while we're at it! Yeah! (As the lava rolls over the countryside and into the jungle, we're treated to the nice touch of squealing, burning monkeys.) Then society will start over! What in the hell of rotoscoping did I just watch?