Salvation - Movie Reviews - Rotten Tomatoes

Salvation Reviews

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July 16, 2009
I can't believe I watched the whole thing.

If you like cheese, test your 'nads on this one. If you don't - run, don't walk, run away. Run away now.

The synopsis doesn't look too terribad, right? Seems like a good plot with a bit of cheese. When all the templars were killed on Friday, October 13, 1307 all of them went to heaven ... except two: Malchezidek and Gabriela. Malchezidek turns out to be "evil" and Gabriela "good."

Well, they don't mention it was filmed and acted by what appear to be a group of Kansas LARPers... That's "Live Action Role Players" for those not in the know. Don't get me wrong - I'm all for having a bit of dress up fun, I just don't think that you should make a movie out of it.

The dialog was weak, incomplete, and lacked cohesion. There are many scenes where the dialog has obvious flubs and stutters in it. Somtimes the dialog was just inane - oh, how I wish there had been more of those moments, like this one:
Scene: Goon is roughing up Biker in Biker's motel room about the murder of the 8 year old girl from the synopsis
(paraphrased because I was laughing too hard after this to remember it exactly.)
Malchezidek: Don't kill him. There's someone else I want you to kill.
Goon (to Malchezidek while holding Biker): I want my money.
Biker to Goon: Who you talkin to?
Goon to Biker: Shaddup!
Biker to Goon: Who you talkin to?
Biker to Goon: Who you talkin to?
Goon to Biker: You're gonna have to leave.
Biker to Goon: It's MY room.
Goon to Biker: Then you can come back. Get out!

The characters seem to be based mostly off stereotypes and were weakly, or never, developed into someone about whom we might care. Indeed many of them don't have names in the credits: Biker2, Limo driver, Lear pilot, etc.

Most scenes look like they were done in one take with no editing afterwards. There are numerous places where some characters seem prescient: the scene where the sheriff is walking up to the scene of the murder and calls it in as a murder and a kidnapping before he even examines teh body or nearby car is a perfect example.

The fight scenes are slow and stilted. I expected these LARPers to be more familiar with their swords but sometimes they seemed surprised to be holding a weapon. Gabriela even seemed uncomfortable in a few scenes where she was wearing 2 swords and just walking.

The good news about the sound track is they didn't blow their budget on it. The bad news is that it also appears to be the work of local bands that were terribly edited. All instances of music for the sound track were muffled and unbalanced to the point where you could hear music and you could identify the vocals but actuall lyrics were hard to distinguish.

Overall, the filming and directing were a freshman effort at best. I mean I would have had more respect for this if it had been filmed by high school freshmen. I also think that if they hadn't taken themselves so seriously this could have gotten a better reaction from me. A total over-the-top farce with more inane dialog might have made this ejoyable instead of a fresh head wound where I'm still waiting for my coup de grace.

zero stars
I wouldn't watch this again even if you paid me... unless it was an insane amount of money.
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