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- Bartleby "B" Gaines: I could go to jail.Uncle Ben: Don't worry, you're young. Your butt can take it.
- Hoyt Ambrose: You want me to give you something funny to laugh about?Bartleby "B" Gaines: You mean funnier than your future alcohol abuse?Glen: BATTLE ROYALE.
- Uncle Ben: Health insurance my ass! They don't pay for shit. You get sick on a Friday, they only pay from Monday through Thursday. You go to doctor A, they only pay for doctor B. You break your penis, they only fix vaginas!
- Bartleby "B" Gaines: Schrader, what about you? What do you want to learn?Sherman Schrader: Well, B, I'm glad you asked actually, 'cause since we're going to prison, I'm gonna learn how to carve a shank out of my toothbrush.
- Bartleby "B" Gaines: Why'd you get fired?Glen: I got fired for making a shrimp slushy.Bartleby "B" Gaines: That's disgusting! Why would you do that pal?Glen: 'Cause I was hungry and thirsty!
- Uncle Ben: [to Group] What is learning? It's paying attention. It's opening yourself up to this great big ball of shit that we call life, and what's the worst that could happen? You get bit in the ass. Well let me tell you: my ass looks like hamburger meat, but I can still sit down.
- Sherman Schrader: It was your idea to put 'acceptance is just one click away'.Bartleby "B" Gaines: Yeah, you put it as 'one click away'! You don't make it... clickable!
- Uncle Ben: I'm going off the grid. No more Franchises, no more botox, no more 'Hey, oh, lets clone another goat,' and certainly no more sexual harassment lawsuits, what's wrong with saying 'Hey, nice tits.' When did that go out the window?
- Bartleby "B" Gaines: And they all paid first semester's tuition?Rory: Yep. 10,000 bucks apiece. I stopped counting after the first 100 checks.Glen: That's 74 million dollars.Rory: It's a million dollars, Glen.Glen: Yeah... In human dollars.
- Freaky Student: I want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind.
- Bartleby "B" Gaines: What the hell happened?Glen: An explosion of flavor. I'm working with some very unstable herbs.
- Bartleby "B" Gaines: Nah, I'm not going to answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces, and it's too bad that you judge us by the way we look and not by who we are, just because you want us to be more like them when the truth is we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! I mean, Harmon College and their - their 100 years of tradition. But tradition of what? Of hazing kids and humiliating anyone who's a bit different? Of putting so much pressure on kids they turn into these - these stress freaks and caffeine addicts.Dean Van Horne: Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!Bartleby "B" Gaines: Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh? You can have your grades, and your rules and your structure and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?Dean Van Horne: Your curriculum is a joke, and you, sir, are a criminal.Bartleby "B" Gaines: You know what? You're a criminal. 'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion. That's the real crime! Well, what about you parents? Did -did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or to just play it safe, roll over? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I - I lied to you. I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry. Dad, especially to you. But out of that desperation, something happened that was so amazing. Life was full of possibilities, and isn't that what you ultimately want for us? As parents, I mean, is - is that, is possibilities. Well, we came here today to ask for your approval, and something just occurred to me: I don't give a shit. Who cares about your approval? We don't need your approval to tell us that what we did was real. 'Cause there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you just know it. And I know that it is a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. 'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms or - or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn. You just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shit-load at South Harmon. So you can go ahead, sign your forms, reject us and shoot us down, and do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point, because we'll never stop learning, and we'll never stop growing, and we'll never forget the ideals what were instilled in us at our place, 'cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us, so GO!
- Sherman Schrader: You look like carly simon. If I could band one chick it would be carly simon and you look like her.‐ Submitted by topher h (4 years ago)
- Sherman Schrader: Ask me about my wiener!