Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls - Movie Reviews - Rotten Tomatoes

Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls Reviews

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November 27, 2013
In this retelling of H. Rider Haggard's classic adventure, King Solomon's Mines, Allan Quatermain (Sean Cameron Michael) battles his arch nemesis in his perilous pursuit of the world's greatest treasure.

also stars Christopher Adamson, Wittley Jourdan, Natalie Stone, Daniel Bojour, Mduduz Nxumalo, Muzuza, Nick Everhart and Phiwayinkosi Gumede.

directed by Mark Atkins.
October 21, 2013
Terrible script, Terrible Acting, Terrible Filming, Terrible Directing, Terrible Editing, Terrible Music so that?s terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible and just terrible. Some of the scenery is not terrible the only grace given to this lark of a students home movie. Strip naked and run around your neighborhood with a feather duster will give you more entertainment. Nibbles: Cider lots of.
½ May 28, 2013
Typical unwatchable Asylum crap. The 1980's Richard Chamberlain films look like Indiana Jones by comparison.
June 20, 2012
They have only done justice to H. Rider Haggard's classic one time and that was in the 50's when they made King Solomon's Mines with Steward Granger, Deborah Kerr and Richard Carlson. The kind of followed the book but not closely as there needed to be a female star to get people in the theatre and that was the great actress and technicolor beautiful, Deborah Kerr. MGM went all the way to Africa and shot this film and it was wonderful. Now, back to this dud. Alan Quartermain was created by H. Rider Haggard as the main character in King Solomon's Mine and though this is called the Temple of the Skull it does steal some of it's story from the novel, unfortunately, unlike the novel it isn't anything like an adventure. The actress playing Lady Diana or whatever she's called was absolutely awful and should not have been in the thing because the original had no leading white lady as a character. There was Alan and the explorer's that hired him to lead them through the jungles to find the treasure of King Solomon. The heroine in the story is a native woman and the villain is actually the native withch doctor who is a male. In this story, they only show the witch doctor in one scene and "she" has nothing at all to do with the story except cause the death of one of the minor characters. There was just no thrill to this. I couldn't believe I'm sitting through this thing and wondering when the three hours is going to be up during this films 90 some odd minutes. Sound was bad, script was bad, acting was horrible, direction was all over the place, photography was un-awe-inspired. Just terrible film. Terrible.
November 15, 2011
I was a bit disappointed in this, not even close to as good as the Richard Chamberlain version.
½ September 30, 2011
Considering that this had the budget of 50,000, this was a terrible movie -- so bad that it was getting funny, but I would still not ask anyone to watch this -- read the IMDB review and you get the gist.
June 4, 2011
Allan Quatermain battles his arch nemesis in a perilous pursuit of the world's greatest treasure.

stars Sean Cameron Michael, Christopher Adamson, Natalie Stone, Wittley Jourdan, Daniel Bonjour, Mduduz Nxumalo, Muzuza, Nick Everhart and Phiwayinkosi Gumede.

directed by Mark Atkins.
½ May 22, 2011
This is an absolutely horrible movie. It's mind-bogglingly bad. The problem with this film isn't the acting, the cast does well considering the circumstances. The big issue here is the budget, writing, and cinematography. This thing had a budget of $50,000 most of which must have gone to traveling expenses. Roger Corman did much better on lower budgets. One thing that makes no sense is the time period. When is this set? The wardrobe, weapons, vehicles...nothing matches. Natalie Stone's character starts off dressed like she belongs in the 1800s but she enters a bar where one of the bad guy's henchmen is dressed like a gangsta rapper. I'd like to see Sean Cameron Michael and Christopher Adamson in something better. I can't think of a single reason to recommend this movie to anyone. Best thing about it is the DVD cover. The movie itself isn't worth the time. In fact it's longer than it says here, and feels like it never ends. Mostly they walk around. There's some gunplay, which doesn't at all work. It's not worth it even for an Allan Quatermain completist like me. I'd say avoid it, but someone will actually want to see what's so bad about it....and suffer through this. It's NOT "so bad it's funny". It's just boring and pointless.
March 10, 2011
Supper action pack...just like an Indiana Jones movie
½ November 25, 2010
Claiming to be a movie that is based on the story that inspired Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is quite a claim - and Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls fulfills this order and then some. Sporting long panning shots of beautiful scenery, a plot that makes surprising headway considering the total lack of dialogue and at least one gripping character (cumulatively) this film delivers exactly what we've come to expect from the writing team The Asylum. In fact, the best point of this movie is the long, silent scenes which The Asylum is famous for, encouraging you to add your own. And with enough visual cues, repititve shots of the four characters facial expressions and time innapropriate props. If you're looking for a movie to sit down with your friends and MST3K your way through, this is the film for you.
½ October 3, 2010
Not so much awful as it is inconsequential. And to the actors, I would advise: if someone is shooting at you, your motivation is to not get hit by bullets. You probably want to do more than just trot out of the way.
½ March 15, 2010
bad bad bad shitty movie made only to cash in on "kingdom of crystal skulls" just bad
September 2, 2009
We should all sign a petition telling the Asylum to stop ripping off huge blockbusters like Indiana Jones into they're own crappier version!!!!!
August 23, 2009
Hi,
I have seen this movie, it is very low budget and total waste of time. I was attracted by the colourful title on DVD. But it is the worst movie I have seen. will grade it F grade.
½ August 18, 2009
This is honestly the worst movie I have ever seen...

So bad, in fact, that I have been driven to joining RT purly in order to share my experiences of it in the hope that no-one else ever wastes two hours of their life watching it. It really IS that bad.

Usually, I'd say watch it for a laugh. Enjoy the wooden acting. Puzzle over the historical ambiguities. Cringe at the cultural stereotypes; the most laughable villain; and least heroic hero of all time (he doesn't even get his girl for godssake!)...but alas the coma-inducing storyline, bone-dry dialogue and absolute absence of any action will soon wipe the smile off your face.

If there was a plot to spoil, here goes...

The DVD cover suggests some Indiana Jones homage (or rip-off) but despite the bullwhips and glowing skulls and lions and biplanes and hoards of angry 'natives' this is not an action movie in the sense we all know and love. In fact, of all these things, only the natives make an appearance at all (and their presence is mostly in the form of whooping women with their breasts out!)

Meet our 'hero', the eponymous Allan Quartemain, kitted out like a costume-shop Indy. Unfortunately, he must have left his bullwhip (and personality) on the plane. Anyway, up he rocks, to a dusty back-country bar (which sells Smirnoff Ice!) in deepest, darkest Sef Efrica with a fragment of a map seemingly drawn by an artistically-deprived Portugese child.

In comes our 'heroine' the buxom Lady Anna with her wide-brimmed hat and lacy Victorian number clashing terribly with her Max Factor 'shocking cerise' lippy, accompanied by the practically pre-pubescent Sir Henry Curtis (more contemporaily clad). Surprise surprise they have the other half of the map. They try to persuade AQ to join them on a mission to find the treasure which Lady Anna's lover disappeared looking for many moons ago.

The incidental music attemps to announce the arrival of our 'villain' - Mr Hartford - a truly sinister-looking man with terrible teeth and a singular inability to act. To cut a long and extremely tedious exchange short, he wants the map (so he can claim the treasure for the National Party), threatens them, they have a shoot-out (with what sound like air rifles) and our party of goodies escape on a steam train (during which time AQ musters all the charisma he can to crack on to mi'lady!).

Anyway, after a lot of faffing around at AQ's African pad (during which time Lady Anna somehow finds time for a bath!) they have another shoot out, grab the mysterious maid (remember this) and head into the wilderness in search of the fabled treasures of Solomon.

And so the 'epic' journey finally begins...very slowly and frankly un-epically. But just in case you were wondering if it wasn't more of a gentle sunday stroll through bucolic High Veld farmland, cue the safari-park footage of a blissfully browsing rhino and then (my favourite 'fright') a SWARM OF BEES. FFS! Both encounters, while of absolutely no consequence, still leave our heroic party shaken.

Finally, some real action appears in the form of a party of raiding 'Zulus'. Smirnoff Ice and sneakers have certainly passed these guys by - they're decked out in the full leopard-skin-and-shields-of-hide tribal gear and brandishing spears. The 'Party of Heroes' is dragged (rather too cooperatively it seems) to the Natives' kraal where, after a protracted assault by a gaggle of whooping, wailing women with their breasts out, they are presented to the Big Ugly Chief.

Without much ado, they are lined up and inspected one by one by (and this is TOTALLY THE BEST BIT IN THE FILM) a hilarious dreadlocked witch doctor. Looking like some ghastly drag act from a Cape Town dive, she tests each victim with her fly whisk, before pronouncing some poor native chap (who appeared from nowhere as far as I can work out) to be lying. The Chief pronounces the death sentence and promptly whips out a GIANT MECHANICAL CLAW device which rips the poor fellow's head clean off. As I say, this is truly the zenith of the film...

Lo and behold, the villaious Mr Hartford turns up again in the Big Bad Chief's hut, clearly in cahoots. He musters all his acting skills in an entertaining scene where he attempts to barter Lady Anna for cattle (this should be obligatory viewing for all 6th form drama classes). However, before they have a chance to seal the deal, in burst the menfolk (recently strengthened by an unexplained bout of hymn-singing!) and before you know it, the Chief is dead (those toy guns are leathal in the right hands). I think Mr Meanie legs it.

Anyway long story short again, loverboy shows up (quelle surprise), having been held captive by the nasty natives. And the maid (I told you to remember her!) turns out to be the rightful Queen of the tribe and eventually they all leave as friends. At this point, I must have drifted off with the sheer monotony of it. Next thing I know, they're approaching the 'Temple' - in reality, a grimy, unimposing cave. Here, the titular skulls make their only appearance (on the floor at the left of the screen if you cared to notice them). There looked to be about 20 in a dusty pile - hardy warrenting a mention really! The treasure, when we see it, is equally discreet...a small mound of dirty-looking coins in the corner. But it doesn't really matter, because no sooner do AQ and gang set foot in this subterranean sham, than Hartford appears from the gloaming. He grabs the girl and, after a labourious altercation, shoots her point blank. The floor of the cavern begins to open and the ceiling cave in. From nowhere, AQ picks up another GIANT MECHANICAL CLAW device that just happens to be lying near by (or did he carry it in with him?) and decapitates the villain.

That's pretty much it to be honest. No treasure. No girl. I couldn't help wondering if AQ and co might perhaps have been better off spending a bit more time in acting classes and a little less time galavanting around the world looking for treasure...

To entertain myself during the low points, I tried fruitlessly to figure out when the darned thing was meant to be set. If it is faithful to the book, it should rightly be the first Anglo-Boer war. But with references to the Apartheid government; characters wearing sneakers and jeans interacting with people in Victorian dresses; and a healthy confusion of Smirnoff Ice ads, steam trains and spear-shaking, semi-naked natives, your guess is as good as mine!

Anyway, I write this all in the hope that you resist actually watching this film. Call it a small humanitarian contribution if you will...
April 6, 2009
It's a cliche to say this about bad movies, but what the fuck -- I just wasted an hour-and-a-half of my life on this dreck that I will never get back. This may be the ONE time that I will support those who accuse The Asylum of pulling a bait-and-switch with their mockbusters. This one was marketed on the back of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" and explicitly references Allan Quatermain (from King Solomon's Mines and some cheesy 80s Indiana Jones rip-offs), so you'd think that you'd get something like those films right? Wrong -- it was like a cheesy National Geographic/Discovery Channel documentary on the South African veldt (complete with a few minutes of topless dancing native women) with some British "actors" shooting off popguns at each other and muttering incomprehensibly and a bunch of Zulus who apparently just wandered on the set because they had nothing better to do that day. Even B-studios like The Asylum have some standards (which make their cheesy films entertaining), but this one doesn't even live up to those.
February 14, 2009
Wow. This movie was bad! Really, really awful! We rented through Redbox for only $1, but I would pay for paper, an envelope, and a stamp to ask for that buck back if I knew who to write to!!! Do not waste your time. If by some chance you get this movie by mistake or as a gift, use it only as a coaster or to level wobbly furniture but don't watch it. Life is short and you can't get back the 15 minutes lost during the screaming natives scene!!!!
½ January 8, 2009
The WORST movie I have EVER seen. Couldn't even make it to the end.
½ November 23, 2008
oh god... whattan awful load of gobshite! Dont waste your time with this, its an absolute bore!
November 14, 2008
Bad acting, bad cinematography, ridiculous inauthentic native costumes, bad indoor scenery and indoor lighting, the quest for treasure revealed no treasure, bad dubbing, and a very predictable plot. If I had paid more than a $1 to rent this, I'd be very upset.
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