American Pie 5: The Naked Mile Reviews
This movie is shockingly awful. I can't remember the last time a movie actually caused me to lose brain cells by watching it. Let me put things into perspective for you, the very first scene is Stifler jacking off, then accidentally jizzing all over his grandmother, who consequently dies afterwards. Okay okay okay, if that didn't paint the picture in your head, this about this - I actually thought the funniest scene in the entire film, might be a close up shot of a giant rotating dildo.. flopping around on the floor. And the only reason THAT might be funny is because it's so fucking STUPID!
The storyline is haphazard, the acting is sub-par at best, and the casting director was probably intoxicated while working this project. In fact, this person should just excuse themselves from ever casting again. I don't think I have ever seen anything so incohesive in my entire life. Why were there so many god damn midget scenes? Like I couldn't even wrap my head around the first one, let alone...having to endure it throughout the rest of the flick. Why didn't the writers choose like, normal sized people to play the opposing football team? There were actually so many more open-ended questions that this feeble plot engendered, that I've literally lost count. Why did the writers elect Jim's dad to lead the naked, boner run? Why were Tracy's friends like....the most awful friends in the world to her? Why did they make Tracy look like a pale baby chicken with gross bangs? Why was there a boner competition? Why why why why why.
I wonder if the actors and actresses in this film knew they were being conned into murdering their own careers.. I feel bad for them, I would never want my name associated with this immaculate piece of shit. If I ever met the director and the writer of this film in person, I would ask them to compensate me for the 1.5 hours of my life I wasted watching their shit laden, neglected step child of a film. Then I would punch them. How do they sleep at night knowing they created this? Where is their sense of artistry? Are they twiddling their fingers right now, knowing they tricked everyone into wasting valuable life-minutes? What conscience do they have left, after subjecting countless other people to this cringe inducing, worthless, compilation of chaotic nonsense. Perhaps the ONLY saving grace of this entire ordeal, is that SOME of these girls are hot! Too bad that doesn't really matter, because the nonsensical ( and borderline angering) progression of the film would be an immediate boner-killer, for even the perverts!! Even the pervs would be like, "Wait, what?".
Don't watch this movie unless you have absolutely NOTHING else going for you. I've seen some awful movies in my lifetime, this might very well take the prize for biggest clump of cinematic excrement ever created. This turd may have well as came out of the directors asshole, and smeared all over my TV screen. Stay clear...
If you want to get drunk and watch a bad movie this is the movie for you.
Don't watch this sober it's not worth it. I would rather watch batman and robin and that's saying something