Balloon Farm Reviews
Right. Boy, oh boy are you right.
Words cannot describe how excrutiatingly awful this movie is. I hate this movie as much as I hate Satan, or politics, or even gay men hitting on me. This movie is the absolute worst. I hated it, my family hated it, hell, even my dog hated it. Balloon Farm is proof that Disney has made it's flops and mistakes. I have a lower respect for Mickey Mouse after seeing this cinematic abortion. I have a lower respect for birthday parties because I know that I will find balloons there. I have a lower respect for little girls who can't act because Mara Wilson is one of them. You want to know why she has been in only like 4 movies in her entire career, it's because she is a TERRIBLE actor.
"But Colson, she's just a kid!"
Explain Haley Joel Osment, he's just a kid and he is a fantastic actor. Explain Dakota Fanning (Yes, I know. I mentioned Dakota Fanning. Cue everybody exiting out of this review now). There are some great kid actors out there, however, Mara Wilson isn't one of them. She was great in Mrs. Doubtfire but that is probably the best thing she has done. Matilda was annoying and Balloon Farm was crap. I can't think of any other movies she has been in because I refuse to watch anything with her in it.
So, how 'bout Rip Torn. Rip Torn is about as annoying, obnoxious and strange as his name. I mean seriously, what the hell kind of name is "Rip"? It's almost as weird as "Bug Hall". (Alphalpha from The Little Rascals. Yet another kid actor that did 2 movies and was never heard from again). Rip Torn's character was on the verge of being a creepy child molestor. I'm sure there's a deleted scene in the Director's Cut that shows Mara Wilson being raped by Rip Torn, because his character kept me on edge throughout the entire film. Many times I screamed at the television hoping that Mara Wilson could hear me.
"Don't go in that room with him!"
I didn't care for Mara Wilson's safety, I just didn't want to be commited of watching child pornogrophy. I have a reputation to uphold and I can't let that evil Mickey Mouse convict me of watching Rip Torn take advantage of a young girl.
Anyway, now that the government is probably reading this review in skepticism, I should probably talk about something else before somebody busts my door down.
The story is crap. I'm sorry, but you can't grow a balloon. Believe me, i've tried. If Director William Dear thinks he can trick me by wasting water on a balloon and raising the water bill, then he is surely mistaken. I'm much too smart for Dear's sly trickery. It might work on other kids but not me. I went to Middle School.
The dialouge is absolutely horrendously awful. Everytime somebody opened their mouth to say something, my ears filled with blood and puss. The writers of this movie should be flipping burgers at McDonalds. The writing is so obnoxiously awful that I often found myself envious of AIDs victims (I have a family member that has AIDs so I can joke about it. If you're offended, go watch Dreamcatcher. If you find yourself laughing, then I can call you offensive because you laughed at a retarded person).
Anyway, the dialouge sucks, the story is crap, and the acting is worse than the acting you would find in a porno. What else is left to discuss?
Don't go waste your time on this movie. It is absolutely awful. When the film ended, my face blew up and my body became enthralled in flames. It's as if I looked into the Ark of the Covenant. My face melted along with my shrivled penis (Which had been through a lot during the course of this movie. Mara Wilson and Rip Torn on screen together was quite a morbid tease) and my brains fell out. I was quickly sent to the hospital where an extremely hot nurse put my penis back in place and all my other vital organs. When she asked me what happened, I replied,
"Balloon Farm. That's what."
Her face then blew up into a million pieces and her body became enthralled in flames.
Balloon Farm is a crap, crap, crap movie that has wasted 89 minutes of life that could have been spent doing something much more productive. Cleaning my room, mowing the lawn, walking the beach with a girl, going to a party, cow-tipping, jumping off the Empire State Building to my death.
Now if you'll excuse me, some very upset men with weapons and body armor are at my door. I wonder what they want...