Just like the board game, assuming the board game cost $200 million and was dumb.
| Original Score: 2/5
It's not satire, it doesn't play on two levels like Starship Troopers, it's just s---... As a piece of miscalculated, American wankery, it is almost unparalleled.
A silly summer popcorn flick that tries too hard to be witty and tongue-in-cheek while still embracing its deadly serious commitment to being the ultimate blow-em-up action extravaganza.
| Original Score: 4/10
It really should have been obvious to everyone involved that it was going to turn out like this.
| Original Score: 1.5/4
Long, loud and pedestrian, this drama only gets exciting in its closing minutes.
| Original Score: 2.0/5
It appears a Hollywood boardroom has scraped the bottom of the barrel of originality to come up with a very long, very loud movie with almost nothing new to say.
One can be sure that heroic characters get what they want, bond with enemies, and earn respect.
| Original Score: 2/4
This movie is not horrendous and judging from the trailers we've seen, I guess that's a win?
| Original Score: 5/10
Sinking vessel ahoy.
This is one of the loudest films I have ever sat through in the cinema. My eardrums were pounding from crashing metal and thrashing rockets, all scored with a pounding heavy rock soundtrack.
Peter Berg and Co have milked those little plastic game pieces for all their worth in a film that's ridiculous but sometimes fun
| Original Score: 2.5/5
Silliness is cinematic buoyancy for a movie as lazy as Battleship.
Think 'Kaboom!' (or any generic explosion descriptor) and you'll accurately epitomise the latest Hollywood end-of-the-world big-screen blockbuster, the two hours of noise known as Battleship.
A clangy, anchors-aweigh bombast of special-effects whoosh and wallop, ka-booming explosions and dumb action-movie dialogue.
You can't help but wonder what Hasbro will do with Candy Land.
The latest, loudest and stupidest example of the hyper-jingoistic, military-fetishising, intellect-lowering alien invasion movie.
If you have endless patience, this film will deliver. In fact, everyone who sat through it deserves a silver star.
There is an earnestness to Battleship that makes it impossible to hate even with its clunky dialogue and plot holes so big you could float the entire Pacific Fleet through them.
| Original Score: 1.5/5
Besides being a blatantly obvious Transformers rip-off, Battleship is essentially explosion porn - a practically endless litany of stuff being blown up, with the destruction of Hong Kong thrown in for good measure.
With the punishingly dull, endlessly monotonous Battleship, Peter Berg has given the term "a poor man's Michael Bay" credibility, and that's a scary thing.