Black Dahlia (2006)
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Critic Reviews for Black Dahlia
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Audience Reviews for Black Dahlia
This film is boring than anything. While it had some moments of unintentional hilarity, it is nothing more than a bad film that tries to coattail the Brian DePalma film (Which already wasn't that great to begin with). The acting is atrocious, the story is terrible, and there are plenty of stupid moments which may provide a few laughs, but not nearly enough to salvage this awful low-budget misfire.
One of the most famous unsolved murders during the 20'th century is the murder of Elizabeth Short.Commonly known as the Black Dahlia,she was an aspiring actress.Young and beautiful.So it's no surprise when she was found brutally (That's an understatement) murdered.Now,murder was common back then,so what made this one so special? Other than the victim being a celebrity? The fact she was sliced in half.Now that's a stomach turner.Another thing where letters the police received.Newspaper clipping spelled out the message,and articles of clothing included.Now,the killer was gonna turn himself/herself in,but (s)he never came.Instead,it was another letter.To date,the murder of the "Black Dahlia" remains a mystery.I am missing out on other details,but I wanted to give a basic enough summary for those who aren't familiar with the murder.Now,many have said there uncle,grandfather,father,mother,cousin,sister,brother,and various other family members killed the the Black Dahlia.None have been proven,and it's normally a cheap publicity stunt.Now,various books have been published,and movies have been too! Like Ulli Lommel's 2006 really just generic terrible movie Black Dahlia.Let's just get this over with,because I really just do not care about the movie. There's an interesting plot to be found,but it's boggled down.I'll get to that in a bit,but the gist (If you'd be willing to call it that),is pretty much a poor mans version of the major release.But obviously,they messed it up with a bit of fiction thrown it.Other than that,it's just an interesting idea,but scrambled.Yummy,scrambled plot.Part of a good breakfast folks.Now then,joking aside,what does make this plot not fulfill what I'd hoped for? It's slow and mundane.I've tried to write a review for this movie for 3 damn days,and each time somethings come up.So I try to brain storm,and I get so tried,I give up.The entire movie is just a major borefest.And when I say that,I really do mean it's a borefest.2001: A Space Odessy has been called extremely boring.As in it's pacing.Ulli Lommel's Black Dahlia is just like that,but without it being a brilliant movie.It's a brutally sluggish-feeling movie that takes it's sweet ass time to get to the point.If it tries to pick up it's feet and go,it hits a tree,and I start to laugh.It just can not speed up,or it hits the pedal to hard.I'll keep on making up examples,but I think you guys get the idea.Bottom line,an interesting plot that's beaten up by a stupidly slow paced movie.Apologizes to Stanley Kubrick and 2001 too. Ulli Lommel is,once again,unable to direct well.He's unfocused on his tone,and defiantly can not keep the story straight.Credit due where credit is due,it's a major improvement over the past movies.But I still want to focus on the negatives,because there's a lot to poke at.For starters,let's look at how unfocused the directing is.Ulli Lommel shows an astoundingly large amount of amateurish mistakes each frame.It feels unbelievably cheap and looks awful.Each frames looks like it was shot on a camera I can buy at a local toy store! It looks worse than cheap-ass Youtube videos.It's just bad,and I don't even want to even attempt to guess the amount of frames per second there where.Now,on the bright side,at least they had the courtesy to supply some light bulbs this time! On the major flip side,they screw up the tone of the movie.It comes off as laughable,and at least that's a plus in of itself.I swear I turned purple from laughter.Ulli Lommel tops the laughable crap in any of the Maneater movies,and that's amazing.He tries so hard to make the movie serious,and the end result is something that should be in a Monty Python movie!! I don't know how it happened,but major praise for that.But in the end,the directing is still crap.But I'll give a point for the laughable attempts to make the movie serious! Time to complain until next year arrives.Or until I get bored.The movies intensity still doesn't work.For those of you curious,this doesn't happen until 2009's D.C. Sniper.Yeah,he directed a movie about the 2002 D.C. Sniper.Wow,now that's something interesting.To bad that one sucks too,but we've got time and I'm to lazy to continue.So,how is the intensity? Well,while it sucks,it's not THAT bad when compared to some of the other movies (Curse of the Zodiac and Son of Sam).There's a few times where the movie feels laughably intense,but for the most part,it just comes off as more snoring and napping to the point that when your parents (Or whoever you live with,even if it's yourself) tell you to go to sleep,you've got enough energy to stay awake the entire night.Since the plot lacks any real form of substance,and the directing is laughably bad,you can't expect much from this.That's not surprising,since nobody has really made a good movie on the Black Dahlia.But the worst part about this is the fact the movie is slow.So there are so many times where it tries to make you stare in awe and just be astonished at the events aspiring.Look,the Bourne movies are intense (And suspenseful).David Fincher's Zodiac had me standing perfectly still,and not blink for a second.Aliens is intense.This movie isn't intense.I apologize to Paul Greengrass (Since the best of the Bourne movies is The Bourne Ultimatum),David Fincher,and James Cameron for mentioning them here,but come on Ulli! The easiest thing to do,you and pull it off as disjointed.To sum it all up...yeah,it's disjointed. Okay,time for something else that's good.Well,laughable.The acting is hilarious.For once,I can say that there's something that's "flawless" in the laughable department.Just laugh out loud at a movie that's under 90 minutes.At least they scored something right,but I've got a problem.Alright,it's not in the same "category",but it involves the acting though.For now,let's just ramble on.The acting's biggest score is the fact the actors have almost no clue on what to do.There facial expressions are all wrong at the best moments.They don't take a single thing seriously,and they seems aware of the horrid sets.They also keep staring at each other like "Duh....what next?",and keep doing it throughout the movie.With no clue on what to do,they should just ask the audience what to do.The problem is the delivery.Now,don't get me wrong,it to is hilarious.But the dialogue itself seems like a killjoy.To explain that,lemme be obvious.It's just bland,and has to flavor.Let's just say it's plain toast.Which is...well,bland.A white wall is less bland.Gray is less bland dang it! Other than that,I'll still give credit where credit is do.The actors delivery the dialogue with almost a straight face.Almost is the key word.I'd also like to point out that the detectives are as convincing as Charlie Sheen was in Wall Street when he had to cry.Yeah,he's crying,but he sucks at it.Over all (I'm sorry Charlie Sheen for mentioning you in this review of a crappy movie),the acting is laughable in a good way.Just try to not lose your breath if you watch this movie. Now,I would get mad at the dialogue,but let's save as much energy as I can for Curse of the Zodiac.Which is none,but oh well,I've got to somehow pad out the review.With that in mind,we can assume you've guessed a punchline of some sort.The dialogue consists of a ton of padding.More padding that padding out snow to make a snow fort.It's pretty much just "Blah,blah,blah,this is important I think".Rinse,spit,repeat.The funny thing is the movie is below 90 minuets.Is there an Unrated,Directors cut? If you take out the padding,it's about 70 minutes long! So I assume the directors cut has even more padding,but oh well.Character development wise,I can't say I'm very impressed.While it's not terrible,it's pretty much just mediocre.It all consists of just the same old junk that I've seen in the other Ulli Lommel movies,but improved in some areas,but worse in others.It's just more of the same,but not as crappy.To sum it all up,it's padding and just more of the same.The only difference being that it's not as awful as the other Ulli Lommel movies. Time for something that I actually did not like,yet somehow I still can't get mad at.The characters I found to be terrible! They where just abysmal in every sense of the word.They where unlikable,uninteresting,and where so flat,you could slice open a tree to make a home for a squirrel.Yet for some reason,they where the most entertaining part of the movie that wasn't laughable.Be it the fact you could nit-pick at them for what I'd assume to be hours on end,they had some form of entertainment value.There's the movie in a nutshell to.It's so bad that you can invite a friend over to nit-pick at it for hours on end.But enough of that,the review's not over until I decide to just stop typing.And enough breaking the fourth wall.Enough stupid too.A bunch of lame jokes aside,you're getting what you're to expect.The characters just flat out suck,but there's no point in just talking about them if you know what to expect.Sure,they are far from the awfulness like the four movies before this,but what do you expect? A puppy dog? Well I sure hope you don't,because then I'll have to resort you to Rottweiler.Speaking of that,if you know how bad that movies characters are,just imagine them here.The only difference being the fact there's an actual protagonist,and there's no Anthony Hopkins guy.To sum it all up,the characters are what you should expect so far.They are also on the same level of Rottweiler,but you've got a good guy.The movie at least established that,even if for a second.It's ironic that there's no real bad guy,other than implication.Sorry,but unless you can make me believe that this dude or that dude is a bad guy,you aren't sucking me in. It's pathetic saying this,but you should see Black Dahlia as soon as you can when you have even a little bit of time on your hands.It's an incredibly awful movie that has plenty of moments to make you cringe and laugh your ass off.It's a one of a kind steaming pile of platinum crap.Go in with amazingly low expectations,and maybe you'll find something enjoyable to bash.Of all of Ulli Lommel's movies,it's the SECOND best.There's one better,and one more entertaining to review.Well,aside from all of this,what else do you want from something that pretty much took this long to even word? Ah yes,a rating for this piece of garbage.While I said I recommend it,Black Dahlia scores a laughable 2 out of 10.Well,it's as high as Ulli Lommel will ever get.So just picture it as a ten on the Ulli Lommel scale.It makes it all the more appealing!
My roommate rented this, i will say on accident. It is by far the worst movie I have ever seen. I love how one shot of a victim laying on table is up her skirt. Great camera work there. NO ONE WATCH THIS
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