Curse of the Zodiac (2007)
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as Natasha Baines
as The Zodiac
as Zodiac Victim #1
as Natasha's Boyfriend
as Zodiac Victim #2
as The Zodiac
Critic Reviews for Curse of the Zodiac
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Audience Reviews for Curse of the Zodiac
The second Curse of the Zodiac starts,I felt like I started up a movie about how not to start a movie.Yeah,but the ironic thing was that I wasn't even up to the REAL stupid stuff yet.For starters,the entire thing makes no sense.The second thing would everything else.Now,the entire movie is pretty much just everything wrong with the other bad Ulli Lommel movie,but with steroids to boost up the stupid-meter.Curse of the Hooded Assassin (The guy doesn't even act like the Zodiac!) is about,who else,the "Zodiac" killer.If you still have no clue who this guy is,then just go on Wikipedia and read the enormous biography on him.For another quick biography from someone who's interested in unsolved crimes,the Zodiac was killer in California who killed 8 people.His identity remains shrouded in mystery,and all suspects,including prime suspect Aurthur Leigh Allen,have been cleared.So,in a nutshell,we've got ourselves an incredibly cheap ass version of David Fincher's brilliant movie Zodiac.Not only do I hate Ulli Lommel,I want to whack his ass with a baseball bat now. A fool wrote this crap and got paid.Just a reminder guys.Honestly,it's a jumbled up pile of ideas that lead nowhere.Subplots lead to brick walls that are no doubt fragile,and just collapse.Others implode.The main plot,the one about the Zodiac killer,just leads into this void of who gives a crap.If you still don't get a clear picture,here's a good idea of what the plot is.It's a game of 52 Card Pick-Up.If you don't know how to play that,then get a deck of cards.Bend them like you'd shuffle them (If you don't know,ask your mom,dad,guardian,or older sibling).Now just let loose,and pick up the cards! Tell me,does that sound like fun? Cleaning up 52 friggin' cards.But to top it off,keep doing that for the entire damn films running time! Atrociously paced too.You could shoot the TV with a BB-Gun in hopes it speeds up,but you're more likely to get grounded,or break your TV.In other words (What words,this thing is already getting a way to kind treatment),the movie's just a void.A void that spat out a fool who wrote this movie and got paid to write this trash. Lazy acting.A great summary if you ask me,because I think that's all that can be said.Give me an award for even mentioning this section of the movie,because it's the closest I'm going to get until I explain the other part of the acting.Or,as I'll call it,muttering and moving.Achievement earned I hope.So,I'll give you a verbal to what I hope turns into a visual representation.Someone moving around,then muttering a bunch of junk.There are very few parts that are so bad that they're funny,but they are so few and far between,that you're better off trying to find a live Giant Squid.Onto the delivery of the dialogue.It lacks any and all effort.Please,start reading the review in a monotone and bored voice.Or better yet,go back to the start of the review and read it.Okay,you don't have to do that,but just imagine this entire review being read to you by someone who's voice sounds like a never ending train wreck of boredom.Aside from it being incredibly bored sounding,it also sounds like nobody is trying.Everyone in the movie doesn't even sound interested in the movie,so they just wander around spouting out crap that I don't even think was in the movies script.After a while,everything that was laughable just wears off,and it all begins to get annoying and tedious to listen to.To end it off,it's acting that's so lazy,it makes Jaws 3 look good.Or at the very least,tolerable.Jaws: The Revenge is still worse,but if it can make Jaws 3 look good,then you've got problems.And the acting in this movie has plenty. The directing is astonishingly bad.Ulli Lommel does almost every pathetic camera trick in the book,tries to make it look as impressive as he can,and in the end,it's silly the tenth friggin' power.Now,almost all of the camera tricks can be done very well in other movies.But Ulli Lommel tries to add them into a movie about one of the worlds most infamous criminals.A movie about the Zodiac should be done like David Fincher's movie.Now,I use Fincher's movie because it's the one Zodiac movie that I've seen that doesn't suck.Well,what Fincher did was build up a crap ton of intensity,and let the movie do the rest.Ulli Lommel just does random crap with the camera,and let's nothing do the rest.No,if I can get this shot and that shot,I think it does all of the work.Please Ulli,leave the annoying camera to Michael Bay.The longer this movie that's only a measly 82 Minutes,the more the camera made me feel like it was something video game developers would use to get the three-dimensional look of a boss and it's stage.I'm amazed nobody told Lommel to just knock it off with the stupid camera angles,and just keep it straightforward.I'm also going to bring how unfocused the movie is.Lommel throws you a very incredible amount of back story when you least expect it.And it's only for about five seconds,before something happens,someone intrudes,or we cut to another scene.I've gotta wonder how much is on that cutting room floor.I bet there's about five hours of cut-out footage,and it's all padding.Like Lommel just left the camera on because he wasn't interested in the script and the actors just wandered around developing there characters.I also bet he played around with the camera,and attached a toy helicopter to fly the camera around.To sum it all up,the directing is lazy,it's junk,and the angles are all rubbish. After about three minutes of thinking,let's just ramble on about the characters.Uh,well,they are flat and uninteresting.They're as interesting as grass.Oh,look at the grass.It's like the writers made a bet: Whoever can make the most unoriginal and lousy characters wins twenty bucks.And so the nimrods starting writing characters as flat as the paper they where writing on,and the end result's where Anacondas: Trail of Blood and Curse of the Zodiac.I'd say the winner is Anaconda 4,because good God where they annoying as hell.Here,I just don't give a crap.In that movie,I wanted to control the movie to my will and have the Snake become a Hydra.But enough comparing,what else is there.Well,lemme explain how intelligent these idiots are.I'm pretty sure the characters would convict a burrito a character ate,because it gave the person who ate it a stomachache.Or some candy and the person who ate it got sugar rush.It's not like that happens because a burrito is spicy! Or candy because it has sugar in it! I'm amazed they actually didn't do this,because as this movie went on,the characters got dumber and dumber.In there off time,I assume the writers had off-screen shots of the characters hitting themselves in the heads with mallets.Just keep doing stupid shit,they must be part of the spin-off of Jackass,Dumbass.To sum up the characters,they are dumbasses to the eleventh degree. Dialogue isn't much better.It's incredibly mundane and has almost nothing original.The only thing original how much boredom it emits.I don't think it's possible to not close your eyes for even a fraction of a second.On top of that,the delivery of it all is incredibly bad.So you're going up against,in a nut shell,horrendous crap and tremendously dull crap.You are so going to lose in a matter of seconds,unless you are prepared hours ahead.Pretty much watching every Uwe Boll movie ever made to train yourself for this garbage.Now,there is no character development,so skip the Uwe Boll movies with characters.Which would be Rampage I guess.Yeah,it's easy to see now why I brought up Anaconda 4! Because that had no character development (At least not any that didn't involve stopping dead in there tracks to ramble on about this and that).Okay,so there is a little bit of character development.It's mostly just back story that leads to precisely nowhere.It's all just stuff about characters that you don't give a crap about in the first place! All the character back story does is include needless tedium...why should I care if I don't care in the place?! And why should I repeat the same word over and over?! Did anyone look over the script? Or is my review the script? You know,words that lead up to a conclusion? I'm inclined to believe that Ulli Lommel had the actors make there lines.To sum it all up,I just do not care about the dialogue.Or whatever dialoguer there is! Playing real critic for a second,you may have noticed that I used the word "care" a bit.Well,that's a big problem with this movie.You do not care.You don't! Not for a second,not for a jiffy (Which is a hundredth of a second apparently).All you do is sit back and just watch one of the all time worst direct-to-DVD movies on the market.All this movie does is make you feel dumber and dumber by the second.I've tried to not flip out at the movie,but I wish I could.But I don't want to because it doesn't deserve my anger.It deserves to pretty much just be reviewed in a timely manner,and just pretty much be humiliated instead of just be bashed upside the head with a damn propane tank! For the record,I wanted this to be a review where I bashed the movie upside the head with a propane tank...that was painted blue.Okay,so you get the idea.Curse of the Zodiac is pretty much just a movie where you don't a second to even glance.It just goes into the "action",and shows you crap you just don't care.Why? Because you aren't given a second to care about anyone! The entire review should just be "I don't care,so why should you?".Though I have no real excuse as to why I don't do that.What was this for? To pretty much explain the movies entire problem.YOU DON'T CARE! Intensity and suspense are words Curse of the Zodiac doesn't know.Because Ulli Lommel feels the word to throw you forty different scenes of the movie wasting whatever intensity or suspense the movie tried to build up.I'm appalled the movie even has the nerve to try to build up an ounce of intensity or suspense for a second.I guess you could say that Ulli Lommel uses TNT quicker than Michael Bay uses explosives.The best part is the fact that,as the movie goes on,it begins to do that more and more.It literally turns into a joke.It needs you stay awake so you don't begin to fall asleep.And as funny as it may sound,I'm falling asleep typing this review.So picture how I feel thinking about this crap.Oh,now I've gotta wake you up.Well,joking (I hope) aside,I pretty much just put the entire "material" for this paragraph aside.I also pretty much just ran out of ideas and "jokes" to use.And no,that's not a joke.If you try to put anything aside for the movies intensity and suspense,you literally put aside the entire material for the paragraph,sentence,or whatever style of reviewing you use.It's literally the only thing you can on.I'd say something to compare that and you (the reader) together,but I don't know what to say.Besides,mentioning you (the reader...again) is insulting you (I am not saying it again!).I am,however gonna sum this all up,because my fingers are beginning to hurt.Oh,and there's nothing else to say.So over all,there's nothing to say if you put the intensity and suspense of this miserable pile of horse crap aside.Because there's nothing to nit-pick at.At least nothing I could find.The entire movie just wastes every damn chance it gets to be intense or suspenseful.It's self-aware as far as I can see. A movie that's sure to leave you in awe at it's atrociousness,Curse of the Zodiac is sure to do two things.Anger you to levels you thought weren't possible and ruin your day.I have no idea what Ulli Lommel was doing when he was directing this pile of garbage,but yourself a huge favor,and don't bother with this movie.If you watch it,then don't say I didn't warn you! Now if you want to learn on the Zodiac killer,then use Wikipedia.If you want to want to see a bad Zodiac movie,then watch this movie called The Zodiac.That movie sucks,but it's still a quadrillion times better than this movie.For the most hardcore of people who like to review bad movies,then watch this movie when you've had a stupidly good day and when it is late at night,so at least your day won't be ruined.Other wise,just don't think about watching it.I score Curse of the Zodiac a 0 out of 10.The worst of Ulli Lommel's movies.
There's nothing positive that I can say about this one. It's shot like a cheap porno, and it gave me a headache. My husband and I watched 2 minutes, and then changed the movie to another one. When you enter the name in the Search screen, the first movie that comes up looks like the one that I should've rented. Don't even look at the cover at the movie store; take my word for it.
These remakes of the remakes of the original movies are getting on my nerves. This movie looked homemade. "This... is.. what.. makes the money"
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