Dark Shadows - Movie Quotes - Rotten Tomatoes

Dark Shadows Quotes

  • Victoria Winters: You're the doctor
    Victoria Winters: You're the doctor.
    Dr. Julia Hoffman: Yes. And you're the nanny and she's the bitch
    Dr. Julia Hoffman: Yes. And you're the nanny and she's the bitch.


  • Willie Loomis: Don't worry Mr. B. I never liked the bitch anyway.


  • Barnabas Collins: Ahhh, music... Yes, I'm rather fond of the music of the day. "I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover and I'm a sinner. I play my music in the sun."


  • Roger Collins: That's what I've been saying, this family needs more balls!
    Roger Collins: That's what I've been saying. This family needs more balls!


  • David Collins: [opening the coffin in which Barnabas has been chained] Uncle Barnabas, why do you have ladies underwear on your head?
    David Collins: Uncle Barnabas, why do you have ladies underwear on your head?
    Barnabas Collins: Never mind that..
    Barnabas Collins: Never mind that.


  • Barnabas Collins: [Barnabus stares at a lava lamp] What is that thing?
    Barnabas Collins: What is that thing?
    Dr. Julia Hoffman: It's a lamp.
    Barnabas Collins: It looks like a pulsating blood urn!


  • Carolyn Stoddard: [about Barnabus] He's not staying with us forever, is he?
    Carolyn Stoddard: He's not staying with us forever, is he?
    David Collins: I like him.


  • Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Fight on, Barnabus, Fight on for us.
    Barnabas Collins: And fight i shall!


  • Barnabas Collins: I have another proposition. It reads thusly: You may place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!


  • Carolyn Stoddard: Are you stoned or something?
    Barnabas Collins: They tried stoning me, my dear. It did not work.


  • Barnabas Collins: [Looks at Alice Cooper] Ugliest woman I've ever seen.
    Barnabas Collins: [looks at Alice Cooper] Ugliest woman I've ever seen.


  • Barnabas Collins: They say blood is thicker than water. It is what defines us, binds us together...


  • Angelique: If I can't have you my love, il destroy you!


  • Barnabas Collins: "Are you ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN???"
    Barnabas Collins: Are you ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN?


  • Barnabas Collins: Mephistopheles!


  • Dr. Julia Hoffman: Every year I get half as pretty and twice as drunk.


  • Dr. Julia Hoffman: Who the hell is this?


  • Barnabas Collins: 15 and no husband!? You must put those birthing hips to good use at once less your whom shrivle up and dieee.. Haha
    Barnabas Collins: Fifteen, and no husband? You must put those birthing hips to good use at once, lest your womb shrivel up and die.


  • Barnabas Collins: How dare you place your wicked lips upon me!


  • Barnabas Collins: Ugliest woman I've ever seen (when he see's Alice Cooper)
    Barnabas Collins: Ugliest woman I've ever seen. [when he see's Alice Cooper]


  • Victoria Winters: Good morning. I'm Victoria Winters.
    Willie Loomis: Congratulations.


  • Barnabas Collins: [watching Scooby Doo] This is a *very* silly play...


  • Carolyn Stoddard: I'm a werewolf. Get over it.


  • Carolyn Stoddard: Are stoned or something?
    Barnabas Collins: They tried stoning me, my dear. It did not work.


  • Barnabas Collins: What is your age?
    Carolyn Stoddard: 15.
    Barnabas Collins: 15 and no husband.


  • Angelique: Burn baby burn
    Angelique: Burn baby burn.


  • Barnabas Collins: (seeing rocker Alice Cooper performing) I knew a Alice Cooper
    Barnabas Collins: [seeing rocker Alice Cooper performing] I knew a Alice Cooper.
    Barnabas Collins: (seeing rocker Alice Cooper performing) That is the ugliest woman
    Barnabas Collins: [seeing rocker Alice Cooper performing] That is the ugliest woman.


  • Barnabas Collins: Look into my eyes
    Barnabas Collins: Look into my eyes.


  • Barnabas Collins: "She has the most amazing birthing hips"
    Barnabas Collins: She has the most amazing birthing hips.


  • Barnabas Collins: Reveal yourself tiny songstress!


  • Dr. Julia Hoffman: Barnabus, have you ever heard of doctor-patient confidentiality?


  • Barnabas Collins: Here are my terms: "Goest thou to hell, and swiftly please, and there may Azmodaeus himself suckle from your diseased teat!!"
    Barnabas Collins: Here are my terms: Goest thou to hell, and swiftly please, and there may Azmodaeus himself suckle from your diseased teat!


  • Barnabas Collins: Satan! Mock me not with your strange luminence.


  • Angelique: Sleeping flame I summonly to your form, return. Make the night as bright as day and Burn, baby, burn...


  • Barnabas Collins: [Looks at his hands, skin, and fingernails changing, eyes bleeding] What have you done!
    Barnabas Collins: [looks at his hands, skin, and fingernails changing, eyes bleeding] What have you done!


  • Angelique: [On top of Barnabas with her arms around him] Love me.
    Angelique: [on top of Barnabas with her arms around him] Love me.
    Barnabas Collins: Never! [Rolls on floor holding Angelique. They make love all over her office.]
    Barnabas Collins: Never! [rolls on floor holding Angelique. They make love all over her office]


  • Angelique Bouchard: I'm going to make you an offer, Barnabas. My last. You can join me by my side and we can run Collinsport together as partners, and lovers... or I'll put you back in the box.
    Barnabas Collins: I have already prepared my counter-proposal. It reads thusly: You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!


  • Barnabas Collins: What kind of sorcery is this? Reveal yourself ,you tiny songstress!
    Barnabas Collins: What kind of sorcery is this? Reveal yourself, you tiny songstress!
    Angelique: Burn,baby,burn!
    Angelique: Burn, baby, burn!


  • Carolyn Stoddard: I'm a werewolf, let's not make a big deal out of it...woof
    Carolyn Stoddard: I'm a werewolf, let's not make a big deal out of it...woof.


  • Barnabas Collins: "That..was a regretable turn of events" -.-
    Barnabas Collins: That..was a regretable turn of events.


  • Barnabas Collins: This Alice Cooper is the ugliest woman I have ever seen.


  • Barnabas Collins: If a man can become a monster, then a monster can become a man.


  • Dr. Julia Hoffman: Every year I get older I get half as pretty and twice as drunk!


  • Barnabas Collins: "Go watch that Cooper woman"
    Barnabas Collins: Go watch that Cooper woman.


  • Barnabas Collins: Reveal yourself, tiny songstress! (After seeing a TV for the 1st time.)
    Barnabas Collins: Reveal yourself, tiny songstress! [after seeing a TV for the 1st time]


  • Barnabas Collins: You may put your beautiful strategically upon my posterior, and kiss repeatedly!
    Barnabas Collins: You may put your beautiful lips strategically upon my posterior, and kiss repeatedly!


  • Barnabas Collins: You had me locked in a box for over two hundred years!
    Angelique: Don't exaggerate, it was only a hundred and ninety-six.


  • Barnabas Collins: A woman doctor... what an age this is!
    Dr. Julia Hoffman: Is he for real?


  • Barnabas Collins: Angelique, you cannot love. That is your curse.


  • Barnabas Collins: I must admit, they have not aged a day.


  • Barnabas Collins: I have father issues.


  • Carolyn Stoddard: Are you stoned or something ?
    Carolyn Stoddard: Are you stoned or something?
    Barnabas Collins: They tried stoning me my dear, it did not work
    Barnabas Collins: They tried stoning me my dear, it did not work.


  • Barnabas Collins: What is your age?
    Carolyn Stoddard: 15?
    Barnabas Collins: 15! And no husband!? We must put those birthing hips to good use at once!


  • Barnabas Collins: Future dweller,what is the year?
    Barnabas Collins: Future dweller, what is the year?
    Willie Loomis: 1972
    Willie Loomis: 1972.
    Barnabas Collins: 1972?!


  • Barnabas Collins: You will strategically place your wonderful lips on my posterior and kiss it repeatadly!


  • Carolyn Stoddard: I guess the only thing missing is Alice Cooper!
    Barnabas Collins: Well, she should be our guest, nonetheless!
    Barnabas Collins: (as Alice Cooper sings "No More Mr. Nice Guy") Ugliest woman I've ever seen!
    Barnabas Collins: [as Alice Cooper sings ['No More Mr. Nice Guy'] Ugliest woman I've ever seen!


  • Barnabas Collins: What is your age?
    Carolyn Stoddard: 15!
    Barnabas Collins: 15 and no husband! We must put those birthing hips to good use at once!


  • Barnabas Collins: How soon can the horses be ready?
    Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: We don't have horses...we have a Chevy~
    Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: We don't have horses...we have a Chevy.


  • Barnabas Collins: 'you may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly
    Barnabas Collins: You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly.


  • Carolyn Stoddard: Are you stoned or something?
    Barnabas Collins: They tried stoning me, my dear! It did not work!


  • Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Fight on, Barnabas! Fight on for us!
    Barnabas Collins: And fight I shall!


  • Angelique Bouchard: BURN, BABY, BURN!


  • Dr. Julia Hoffman: Is she for real?
    Barnabas Collins: INDEED!


  • Angelique Bouchard: What if I made you love me?
    Barnabas Collins: With what? A spell?
    Angelique Bouchard: WITH THIS!
    Barnabas Collins: I must admit....they have not aged a day!


  • Barnabas Collins: What sorcery is this? (rips out a cord from the TV) Reveal yourself, tiny songstress!
    Barnabas Collins: What sorcery is this? [rips out a cord from the TV] Reveal yourself, tiny songstress!


  • Barnabas Collins: Reveal yourself! Tiny songstress!


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