I love submarine movies. Films like "Run Silent, Run Deep" and "The Hunt for Red October" show the kind of intense thriller that filmmakers can craft with a submarine setting. "Down Periscope," on the other hand, shows what happens when a studio puts a few million dollars in the wrong hands and says make a comedy. The dung begins with the brilliant (<---- sarcasm) casting of both Kelsey Grammar AND Rob Schneider (together again for the first time). So I presume the line of thinking went something like, "Well, Kelsey Grammar is mediocre at best. Let's hedge our bets and cast Rob Schneider, who's just plain God-awful." The plot of this feces sees Grammar as a Navy officer finally given a command, but of an old diesel sub. He's pitted against a nuclear sub in war games to sink a decommissioned battleship. Now I bet you're asking yourself: War games--where's the peril? Nothing is at stake. Where's the thrust in the plot that grabs the audience and pushes forward the story to a climax? Well, coincidentally (<---- sarcasm), I, too, found myself asking this question. A race by two subs to sink an empty battleship in a game. Well, I have to torpedo this movie: It sucks mule d*ck (I think Roger Ebert said the very same thing about "Funny Girl"). And seriously, Rob Schneider? Has he ever said a funny word in his life? Has he ever done a funny thing? Ever? Had the filmmakers tied Rob Schneider to a pommel horse and brought in Ving Rhames to violate Schneider with an assortment of unusually large phallic objet d'art for 90 minutes, THEN Rob Schneider would be funny. So, in summary, if you're looking for something to watch and your only choice is "Down Periscope," then instead, shove shards of glass under your fingernails then dip your hands in lemon juice. Same difference.