I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle - Movie Reviews - Rotten Tomatoes

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle Reviews

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July 19, 2016
A guy purchases a classic motorbike. Unbeknownst to him, the motorcycle is an easily butt-hurt blood-thirsty monster bent on killing anyone who even lightly offends it. Soon people discover the bike is repulsed by both garlic and crucifixes, so those are used to defeat it. Probably the best 1980's British horror/comedy.
March 12, 2015
It's a dreadful movie and should only be watched by those who 1) like Plan 9 for all the wrong reasons; 2) Have helped themselves to plenty of intoxicating liquor beforehand.
If you fulfil the 2 conditions above, you might just make it...
Super Reviewer
January 6, 2014
Looking through my countless review drafts I notice I've seen too many good movies recently (mostly ones I would award 100% to). In hindsight that doesn't like a problem of any sort, except for as much as I love to write about good movies there's only so many praises I could give out before repeating myself like a heavily cliche film. Thus with a title like "I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle" do you really need any other reason to see it? No and sadly it's goofy nature is what ends up killing itself in the end.

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle loose narrative is about an evil spirit inhabiting a motorcycle for vengeance on the bikers that killed his fellow vampires. First and foremost the opening of the film gives no context for the bikers murdering vampires. Much like the writers of the script things just happened in the film just because they can. Protagonist dreams about getting killed by his own talking feces is one notable example. Nothing about the narrative feels connected as comedy overtakes the horror elements that the film was so eager to mix together. Emphasis on comedy is done poorly as the script demands you give up three things; 1.) continuity in plot , 2.) your brain to oversee it flaws, and 3.) interesting characters. Shutting off your brain is easy, but difficult while viewing the film. Plot points created on the spot contradict earlier scenes logic (like never explaining if a vampire motorcycle runs on blood, oil, or both). Characters are nothing more than archetypes not committing an single word for a variation on the archetype. An annoying girlfriend who does little in the story, a priest who performs an exorcism on a possessed motorcycle and gets crucified (no doubt a secret metaphor that represent the writers desire to be forgiven for their sins for creating such as travesty), the best friend that's murder (don't worry, his best friend doesn't care either), the incompetent cop, and vampires weaknesses. These are some of the elements that are chosen only for the approach to be straightforward comedy. Problem being that a comedic situation is given a horror treatment. Since the characters goofy nature imbalances the horror tone and without a care for death there's no fun when a killer motorcycles goes on screen. Treating it nothing more than a everyday occurrence.

As for the true horror side of the film it's uninspired. Creativity is lacking for a film titled "I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle" when it comes to its kills. Severely decapitating most of his victims heads is tiresome, although the gore effect are adequate in small numbers. Adding to the tedium are when its victims are given large windows of time to avoid death. Not only are most of the death easily avoidable, but most of his victims aren't important to the plot. One of the best aspect about horror is fearing which character might die. Here it's made abundantly clear which main characters live. Painfully moving at a high velocity for of four miles per hour is a lack of speed. Everything in the film is slow from actors performing physical movements even spoken dialogue is done slowly (especially in delivering its punchline). Don't worry about the bad dialogue as the sound editing is even worse. Music tracks play on way to long, vehicles sound are compress or at times sound like a train, and whenever an actor is talking background noise can drown them out. Everything from the look, the editing, the acting, and the poor writing are scream cheap. Unlike some films were a cheap look can add to the appeal in this case it serves only to further to highlight everything wrong with it. Deciding to do nothing with its premise including having fun with its goofy concept.

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle bad comedy overshadows uninspired horror elements. Mixing both of the horror genres negative aspects (logic gap, continuity, desire for heroes deaths) and bad comedy (nothing ever becomes of anything, no characters cares anything, a single trait reused as jokes) that you'll be left without a laugh or scare.
½ November 2, 2012
As ridiculous as it sounds - manages to be both enjoyable and cringeworthy due to a mix of being actually funny and so bad that it's funny.
February 19, 2012
this was really hard for me to watch just too stupid. I wanted to finish it only to be able to say I watched I bought a vampire motorcycle.
½ October 29, 2011
This had the potential to be a top-class B movie, with some genuinely funny moments, and a great performance from Neil Morrissey, but its slow pace lets it down a bit. Shortened, you'd be on to a winner. This horror/comedy is not to be taken seriously, but that's what makes it strangely enjoyable. Worth a watch, at least once.
August 21, 2011
This had the potential to be a top-class B movie, with some genuinely funny moments, and a great performance from Neil Morrissey, but its slow pace lets it down a bit. Shortened, you'd be on to a winner. This horror/comedy is not to be taken seriously, but that's what makes it strangely enjoyable. Worth a watch, at least once.
½ September 11, 2010
Very funny in parts, this movie is a mix of groan-worthiness and bizarre entertainment. A unique spin on the vampire genre.
½ July 23, 2010
Low-budget horror with old jokes. About as good as the title would suggest.
Super Reviewer
½ July 26, 2009
My God I had forgotten this even existed. For a twelve year old this was fantastic. For a grown man with the mental age of twelve this is just as good...lol....It isnt as bad as you might think and Morrisey plays his part really well.
April 28, 2008
Did you now? Well, that's something!
Super Reviewer
April 12, 2008
I own a Werewolf-toaster
April 3, 2008
Very silly but entertaining
½ April 1, 2008
The title says it all. A bunch of motorcyclist are performing a ritual of summoning an evil spirit, and during the ritual they get killed by another gang. The spirit they were summoning inhabits one of the motorcycle's, which then gets sold. The new owner has absolutely no idea of what has happened to the motorcycle, he just wonders why the bike won't work during daytime and what that odd, red stuff in the cycle's tank is. At night, the bike goes around the town killing the people who were in the gang who killed it's previous owner, and also some unsuspecting people walking around at night. When the new owner finds out he owns a vampire motorcycle, he's desperate to get rid of the spirit without harming the bike - after all, he paid 1100 pounds for it. Overall, I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle is a movie you should not miss if you like not-scary, b-class horror movies that don't take themselves too seriously.
March 30, 2008
so silly its brilliant
March 28, 2008
Great little movie. Loved the dream squence with the talking shit..... years before MR Hanky!
March 24, 2008
Like BOON the movie, with blood and cheesey effects, Anthony Daniels steals the show towards the end...
March 22, 2008
The cast of Boon + Anthony Daniels + killer turds + no budget = genius!
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