Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter Reviews
Cheese factor: 9/10 Pain factor: 8/10
Best moment: The cool retro soundtrack in this was actually pretty awesome, not gonna lie.
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter plot is self explained in the title; which is all the explanation you will ever get. For starter, the film biggest problem is that the movie won't shut up! There is rarely a moment of silence in the film and the movie soundtrack is terrible. There is literally a song in this movie that literally just repeats "Do-Dat-Do-Dat-Doodliy-Dee-Be-Boo-Bop" for three minutes. The film has no plot to speak off. Scenes go nowhere and the rare minimal dialogue does nothing to explain what is going on. The writing here is just utter nonsense with no rhythm and a absence of continuity. Why did Jesus Christ have a pointless musical number revealing his presence on Earth? Why did God communicate with Jesus via cherry ice-scream? What is famous Mexican wrestler El Santo doing in this movie? Why does El Santo have no accent? How did Jesus Christ kill vampires with light even though the movie establish these vampire are immune to light? I have no answers to any of the following questions and neither does the movie for that matter. It's utter nonsense in a form of a very stupid movie that will even have the truest of believer doubting its existence.
My major problem with the film, aside from no plot and a terrible soundtrack, is everything else. The fight scenes are poorly choreographed and are very, very, very, very slow. It takes these actors around eight seconds to punch someone and another eight or twenty to decide to hit back. One of the most ridiculous scene in the movie has Jesus Christ beating up around forty aesthesis who all just so happen to fit in a small van. The acting is....non existent. No one even puts an effort in their role let alone even change their facial expression. Also to all film makers everywhere, no one wants to see man who's dress like a woman, in lingerie, flirting and kissing Jesus Christ goodnight with horror music playing in the scene. Yes everything is done poorly intentionally, but it works against the film itself. It has no charm to it and just comes out a lazy film making without any passion in it. The only redeeming quality about this movie is that it's short, but it'll likely feel like an eternity due to the lack of enjoyment this provides.
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is pointless, lacks dialogue for 90 percent of it duration, contains a terrible soundtrack that rarely stops, and a lack of enjoyment for the viewer. We might not be able to prove Jesus Christ existence, but we could at least pretend the low budget abomination that is Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is non-existence.