Knocked Up Quotes

  • Pete: marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of "everybody loves raymond"
    Pete: Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.

  • Ben Stone: [watching Cheaper by the Dozen after taking mushrooms] This isn't funny. This guy's got twelve kids, that's not funny. That's a lot of responsibility to just be... laughing about. This is sick. This is a sick movie. I gotta turn this off. It's freaking me out.

  • Sadie: I Googled murder.

  • Ben Stone: You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.

  • Debbie: He spelled "coming" wrong. Oh that's "cu... Oh that's gross!

  • Martin: Do you ever get so bored, you just stare at your balls?
    Jonah: I bet you do, late John Lennon.

  • Sadie: They've been saying like Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Ben's a prick.

  • Jay: I'm going to be there to rear your child.
    Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!

  • Doctor: Oops. That's not your vagina. That's your asshole.

  • Ben Stone: You think I'm an inventor? "He created a dick-skin condom, He hollowed out a penis and put it on", what the fuck?

  • Ben's Dad: If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in "Munich."

  • Ben's Dad: [to bartender] You're going to be embarrassed when you realize I'm Wilmer Valderama.

  • Ben Stone: Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.

  • Jonah: Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck - it's dangerous.

  • Ben Stone: Do you want to do it doggie style?
    Alison Scott: You're not going to fuck me like a dog.
    Ben Stone: It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.

  • Jason: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.
    Ben Stone: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
    Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

  • Alison Scott: Why don't you go FUCK your FUCKING Bong?
    Ben Stone: I will! I'll do it doggy style, too! For once!

  • Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
    Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!

  • Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!

  • Dr. Pellagrino: [after staring at Allison's vagina for the gynaecology appointment] Wow, you do look like your sister!

  • Ben Stone: That's because Steely Dan Gargles my balls.
    Ben Stone: That's because Steely Dan gargles my balls.

  • Jason: You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head.

  • Debbie: She is such a prissy little high school cu... cunt!

  • Debbie: Who is that guy? Is that Ben's Rabbi? Is he the one that cuts the penis?
    Pete: I think it's Matisyahu.

  • Ben's Dad: I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
    Ben Stone: I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?
    Ben's Dad: Yes.
    Ben Stone: Now I'm starting to feel a little sorry for YOU...

  • Debbie: You think because you don't yell, you're not mean. This is mean.

  • Jay: Because your face looks like a vagina.

  • Alison Scott: I was drunk!
    Ben Stone: Was your vagina drunk?

  • Jonah: I won't say it but it rhymes with shmashmortion.

  • Jonah: How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?

  • Pete: Never do what they did.
    Charlotte: I'm gonna do it...
    Pete: You are? Uh oh, someone's getting homeschooled.

  • Debbie: I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere, you're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You're a doorman, okay. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so... Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.

  • Ben Stone: [to Alison] I'm sorry I'm sweating on you...

  • Pete: I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.

  • Himself: Pregnant... with emotion?

  • Pete: [taking his hand out of his mouth after doing magic mushrooms] Tastes like a rainbow.

  • Pete: How could Debbie like me? She likes me, she *loves* me. The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. She loves me so much that she wants me around all the time. That's our biggest problem and I can't even accept that. Like, that upsets me?

  • Bouncer: It's not cuz you not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would TEAR THAT ASS UP. I can't let you in cuz you old as f--k. For this club. Not, you know, for the earth. You old, she pregnant, can't have a bunch of old pregnant bitches runnin' around, that's crazy. I'm only allowed to let in 5% black people. He said that, 5%. That mean if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a black midget in the crowd.

  • Himself: Don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out
    Himself: Don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out.

  • Pete: It looks like our comouter has chicken pox
    Pete: Looks like your computer has chicken pox.

  • Debbie: (to Ben and Pete) Hey, I have a really good idea! Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other?
    Debbie: [to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other.
    Pete: Who needs a time machine?
    Pete: Who needs a time machine?

  • Jason: She looks really... smart.
    Jason: She looks really, smart.
    Pete: You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother... Gabe Ruth
    Pete: You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother, Gabe Ruth

  • Sadie: (on where babies come from) Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.

  • Debbie: (to Allison) Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?

  • Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

  • Alison Scott: (to Debbie) What do you think? He's funny, right?
    Ben Stone: (to kids) Fetch!
    Debbie: He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.

  • Martin: Fuck me in the beard.

  • Jonah: I'm going to murderball you!

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