Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels - Movie Quotes - Rotten Tomatoes

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Quotes

  • Soap: You're not funny, Tom. You're fat, and look as though you should be, but you're not!


  • Eddy: You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What d'you do when you're not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions?


  • Eddy: The entire British Empire was built on cups of tea. And if you think I'm going to war without one, you're mistaken.


  • Soap: Guns for show, knives for a pro.


  • Big Chris: It's been emotional.


  • Rory Breaker: If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kind of pussy to drink it. You know what I mean, Nick?


  • Bacon: Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
    Eddy: Did you say ten pound?
    Bacon: Are you deaf?
    Eddy: That's a bargain. I'll take one.
    Bacon: Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again. They've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
    Bacon: Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again. They've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. 'Too late, too late' will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
    Eddy: Bacon, cozzers!
    Bacon: Shit.


  • Bacon: Harry didn't think that he did a very good job, so he grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock, and proceeded to beat poor old Smithy to death with. And that was seen as a nice way to go. Now, that, is why you pay Hatchet Harry, when you owe.


  • Tom: It's a deal, it's a steal. It's the sale of the fucking century. In fact, fucking, Nick, I think I'll keep it.


  • Rory Breaker: If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything, I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now, do you understand everything I've just said? 'Cause if you don't, I'll kill ya!


  • Eddy: What I do know is there's no more Harry. Which means there's no more debt.


  • Eddy: They're armed.
    Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
    Eddy: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!


  • Soap: A minute ago this was the safest job in the world. Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia.


  • Rory Breaker: If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything, I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now, do you understand everything I've just said? 'Cause if you don't, I'll kill ya!


  • Plank: Ah! They fucking shot me!
    Dog: Well, fucking shoot 'em back!


  • Rory Breaker: If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pussy to drink it.


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