Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent Reviews
When u run someone over would u not think one of 4 people in the car would notice....seriously?? im no sex expert but im pretty sure the woman has to take those big knickers off!!
Haha think im trying my hardest to find the worst movies ever made and make myself watch them! i must be punishing myself for something?? any way this is the usual creature feature fare giant snake thing going around eating people because some magic voodoo pencil has drawn it. yep thats the premise what ever he draws the snake does! well not really he draws a snake eating a car full of 5 people..how the snake knows who those 5 people are i have no idea.its not as if the pic actually looks anything like them. randomly dmx turns up with a giant bazooka!!??
"I'm sorry about your wife but that was an accident. You drew us to death, that sucks."
Forget the silly story, because the holes that you can drive through it are amazing in their scope. When Voodoo spells awaken a giant serpent, Army special ops veteran and master hunter Nick Kirabo (DMX, who's about as convincing at the army thing as he is at being a gangster, meaning I'd believe Paul Rubens in either capacity first) is the only man who can stop the big bad snake thingy (which looks like a cross between a rubber muppet ripoff and a really bad attempt at making a 3D snake on your home computer). If we were to believe the quote on the DVD cover, from Stuart Alson of Independent Film Quarterly, then we are about to be treated to the best giant snake movie ever! He says that "Bone chilling serpentine terror ensues in this classic that outdoes the Anaconda series from the get go". Wait, bone chilling? Terror? Classic? I think we watched two different movies here, bub. This movie outdoes nothing, as it itself is outdone by a YouTube video of a toddler have a giant poop on a shopping mall escalator. Someone needs to smack Stuart in the nuts, or send him to rehab, cause he's got to be one of these higher than a kite peckerheads that says crazy shit about bad movies just to get their quote on DVD covers. So, he studied film criticism with Ben Lyons, huh?
Okay, enough ranting. DMX is about as good of an actor as he is a rapper (meaning not very good at all), but then again the only other movie I've seen him in is Romeo Must Die, so I'm not really the right sort of critic to judge his "body of work" as a whole. But he just does not work as an action star. The snake gave a more believable performance. I can't comment on the other actors in the movie, because they are not DMX, and I don't want him standing outside my house with a bazooka. The effects are piss poor, the story is silly and contrived, the film really has no style, and director Valinia seems more like a hired gun with no real creative input at all, because the direction is all over the place, and it focuses on DMX so much I think he gave most of the direction during filming.
But all jokes aside, I can't in good conscience recommend this one to anyone. I'm giving it a point just for Stuart's little quote on the front cover, and for having the balls to suck and not really get it. It's just another bad movie, folks. Forget it.
Oh man. So so bad.
Oh no Lockjaw might return. But thats ok, i guy in the middle of nowhere just happens to have a bazooka....
"Did you hit an animal?"
"Okay, let's partay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Acting was abysmal, especially the annoying teens.
I heard the budget for this movie was 4 million dollars (!), I guess they had to bribe people to star in this awful movie. because the snake effects had a budget of 300 bux... at the most.