Monty Python and the Holy Grail - Movie Quotes - Rotten Tomatoes

Monty Python and the Holy Grail Quotes

  • Sir Lancelot, Black Knight, French: "I'll do you for that."
    Sir Lancelot, Black Knight, French: I'll do you for that.
    Sir Lancelot, Black Knight, French: "You'll what?"
    Sir Lancelot, Black Knight, French: You'll what?


  • 1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: What, Ridden on a horse?
    King Arthur, Three-Headed Knight, Hiccoughing Guard: Yes!
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: You're using coconuts!
    King Arthur, Three-Headed Knight, Hiccoughing Guard: What?
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: You've got two empty halves of coconuts and your bangin' 'em together.


  • French: "Now go away or I will taunt you a second time."
    French: Now go away or I will taunt you a second time.


  • Black Knight: (After noticing that he has no limbs left) All right, we'll call it a draw.
    Black Knight: All right, we'll call it a draw.


  • Old Man from Scene 24: Our King? Well i didn't vote for you!!
    Old Man from Scene 24: Our King? Well I didn't vote for you!


  • French: Your Mother was a Hamster, and your Father smelt of Elderberries!
    French: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!


  • Three-Headed Knight: (First Head)I say let's kill him.
    Three-Headed Knight: (Second Head) Let's have tea first.
    Three-Headed Knight: (Third Head) Oh, stop your whining. First we kill him, then we have biscuts and tea.
    Three-Headed Knight: (Second Head) No biscuts. Let's just kill him already.
    Three-Headed Knight: (First Head) Alright, alright. First we kill him, then we have tea.
    Three-Headed Knight: (All Three) Right.
    Black Knight: (Second Head) Why, the blokes' run off!


  • Knight: Ni!


  • Old Man from Scene 24: Stop! WHAT is your name?
    King Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons!
    Old Man from Scene 24: WHAT is your quest?
    King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail!
    Old Man from Scene 24: WHAT is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
    King Arthur: What do you mean? African or European swallow?
    Old Man from Scene 24: I, I don't know that! *gets pulled to the sky and thrown down the Gorge of Eternal Peril*
    Sir Bedevere: How do you know so much about swallows?
    King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're king, y'know.


  • King Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
    Black Knight: ...
    King Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
    King Arthur: I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me in my court at Camelot.
    King Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
    King Arthur: You make me sad.


  • King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?
    Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
    King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments!
    Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
    Minstrel + minor role: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
    Minstrel + minor role: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
    Maynard: Skip a bit, brother...
    Minstrel + minor role: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
    Minstrel + minor role: And the Lord spake, saying, First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
    Maynard: Amen.
    King Arthur: Right. One... two... five!
    Sir Galahad: Three, sir.
    King Arthur: Three!


  • Dennis's Mother: Oh,look. There's some lovely filth over here.


  • Black Knight: Right! I'll do you for that!
    King Arthur: You'll what?
    Black Knight: Come here!
    King Arthur: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
    Black Knight: I am invincible!
    King Arthur: You're a loony!
    Black Knight: The Black Knights always triumph!


  • Dennis: Help, I'm being oppressed. Come and see the violence inherent in the system.


  • Black Knight: It's just a scratch. I've had worse.


  • King Arthur: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?
    Old Crone to Whom King Arthur Said "Ni--": Who sent you?
    King Arthur: The Knights Who Say Ni.
    Old Crone to Whom King Arthur Said "Ni--": Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
    King Arthur: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'ni'.
    Old Crone to Whom King Arthur Said "Ni--": Agh! Do your worst!
    King Arthur: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni!
    Old Crone to Whom King Arthur Said "Ni--": No! Never! No shrubberies!
    King Arthur: Ni!
    Sir Bedevere: Nu!
    King Arthur: No, no, no, no, it's not that. It's 'ni'.


  • Black Knight: Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here & take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!


  • King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
    Black Knight: Yes I have.
    King Arthur: Look!
    Black Knight: Just a flesh wound.


  • Black Knight: Running away? You yellow bastard! Come back and get what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!


  • Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
    King Arthur: A scratch!? Your arm's off!
    Black Knight: No, it isn't.
    King Arthur: Well, what's that then?!
    Black Knight: I've had worse.


  • King Arthur: Old woman.
    Dennis: Man.
    King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
    Dennis: I'm 37.
    King Arthur: What?
    Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
    King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".
    King Arthur: Well I can't just call you 'man'.
    Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".
    Dennis: Well you could say 'Dennis'.
    King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
    Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?


  • Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.


  • Black Knight: Tis but a scratch
    Black Knight: Tis but a scratch.


  • Dennis's Mother: There's some lovely filth over here.


  • Dennis's Mother: There's some lovely filth over here.


  • Dennis: We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.


  • Sir Robin: You mankey Scots git! -What does he do nibble ya bum?


  • Black Knight: I'll bite your legs off!


  • King Arthur: So, where is this beast?
    Patsy/Soothsayer: Don't you see it? It's there, right in front of you!
    King Arthur: What, he's in the cave behind that rabbit
    King Arthur: What, he's in the cave behind that rabbit.
    Patsy/Soothsayer: It is the rabbit!
    King Arthur: ... You silly sod!


  • King Arthur: (having cut off all of the Black Knight's limbs), well, lets get going! Come along, Patsy
    King Arthur: [having cut off all of the Black Knight's limbs] Well, lets get going! Come along, Patsy
    Black Knight: (limbless and on the ground) Running away, eh? Come back here!! I'll bite your legs off!!
    Black Knight: [limbless and on the ground] Running away, eh? Come back here! I'll bite your legs off!


  • Old Man from Scene 24: What is your name?
    Sir Lancelot: Sir Lancelot of Camelot!
    Old Man from Scene 24: What is your quest?
    Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail!
    Old Man from Scene 24: What is your favorite colour?
    Sir Lancelot: Red!... I mean blue! (falls down the crevice screaming)
    Sir Lancelot: Red!... I mean blue! [falls down the crevice screaming]


  • Old Crone to Whom King Arthur Said "Ni--": You must now cut down the tallest tree in the forest... With... A HERRING!!!!!
    Old Crone to Whom King Arthur Said "Ni--": You must now cut down the tallest tree in the forest... With... A HERRING!


  • Old Crone to Whom King Arthur Said "Ni--": In order to pass through these woods... You must find... A SHRUBBERRY!!!!
    Old Crone to Whom King Arthur Said "Ni--": In order to pass through these woods... You must find... A SHRUBBERRY!


  • Zoot/Dingo: And after the spanking, the oral sex!
    Sir Galahad: Well, I suppose I could stay a bit longer.


  • Sir Lancelot: [charges into room, killing hicoughing guard]
    Guard: [turns] Now, you're not allowed to- [gets cut off as Lancelot kills him]


  • French: I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hampster, and your father smelt of eldeberries!
    King Arthur: Is there anyone else up there we can talk to?
    French: No! now go away away or I shall taunt you a second time!


  • Sir Lancelot: i thought your son was a girl
    Sir Lancelot: I thought your son was a girl.
    King: thats understandable
    King: That's understandable.


  • Minstrel + minor role: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot He was not afraid to die, o' brave Sir Robin! He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! He was not at not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out, Or his elbows broken; To have his kneecaps split And his body burned away, Or his limbs all hacked and mangled, Brave Sir Robin! His head smashed in, his heart cut out, His liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, His nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off, And his penis split--
    Sir Robin: Stop! That's enough singing for now.


  • King Arthur: [after literally "disarming" the Black Knight] Now stand aside, worthy adversary!
    King Arthur: [after literally 'disarming' the Black Knight] Now stand aside, worthy adversary!
    Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
    King Arthur: A scratch?! You're arm's off!
    Black Knight: No it isn't!
    King Arthur: [points to BK's arm on the ground] Well, what's that?
    Black Knight: I've had worse.
    King Arthur: You liar!
    Black Knight: Oh, come on, you pansy!


  • King Arthur: [calling out to the battlements] Hello! Hello!
    French: Hallo? Who is it?
    King Arthur: It is King Arthur, and these are his Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
    French: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard.
    King Arthur: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he can provide us food and shelter for the night he can join us on the quest for the Holy Grail.
    French: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'd be very keen. He's already got one you see?
    King Arthur: [puzzled] What?
    Sir Galahad: They said they already got one.


  • Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
    King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.


  • Sir Bedevere: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise - not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!


  • Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.


  • King Arthur: I am your king.
    Dennis's Mother: Well I didn't vote for you.
    King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
    Dennis's Mother: Well how'd you become king then?
    King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
    Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.


  • 1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: Who goes there?
    King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: Pull the other one!
    King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
    King Arthur: Yes!
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: You're using coconuts!
    King Arthur: What?
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
    King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: Where'd you get the coconuts?
    King Arthur: We found them.
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
    King Arthur: What do you mean?
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: Well, this is a temperate zone.
    King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
    King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
    King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
    King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
    King Arthur: Please!
    1st Soldier with a Keen Interest in Birds: Am I right?


  • Black Knight: It's Only a flesh wound.
    Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound!


  • Old Man from Scene 24: What is your name?
    Sir Galahad: Sir Galahad.
    Old Man from Scene 24: What is your quest?
    Sir Galahad: I seek the Holy Grail.
    Old Man from Scene 24: What, is your favorite color?
    Sir Galahad: Red. No! Blue- [Falls into pit]
    Sir Galahad: Red. No! Blue - [falls into pit]


  • Concorde: I'll just lay here then shall i?
    Concorde: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir?


  • French: Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of silly persons!
    French: Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person.


  • French: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.
    French: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called 'Arthur King', you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.


  • French: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries
    French: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.


  • Black Knight: I'll have you for that!
    King Arthur: What are you going to do, bleed on me?


  • French: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries
    French: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.


  • Black Knight: It's only a flesh wound!
    Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound.


  • King Arthur: On second thought lets NOT go to Camelot, tis a silly place
    King Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.


  • King Arthur: to Black knigh: tWhat are you going to do, bleed on me?
    Black Knight: What are you going to do, bleed on me?


  • French: Your father was a hamster, and your mother smelt of elderberries!
    French: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.


  • Sir Lancelot: She turned me into a newt!
    Sir Galahad: A newt?
    Sir Lancelot: ...I got better...
    Sir Lancelot: I got better...


  • Dennis: You think your king just because some hag threw a sword at you?


  • King: You only killed the bride's father, you know.
    Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to.
    King: Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.
    Sir Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?


  • King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
    Dennis: Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.


  • King Arthur: That Rabbit's Dynamite!!


  • Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound.


  • French: I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.


  • Black Knight: Tis but a scratch!


  • French: Your motha was a hamster and your fatha smelled of hoozenberries!!!


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