Pocket Ninjas (Triple Dragon) Reviews
I do not see this movie as an actual movie. I see it as a pile of stockfootage thrown together in order to see if there is a slight possibility to create something that makes sense. Please note that there isn't.
Stay away from this at all times unless you want to see a piece of film history because there's no chance something THIS bad is going to get anywhere near production in the future.
If the menu didn't actually have the word "menu" on it, I would've never figured out to press play but even that doesn't work in and of itself, the cursor starts out with the next page button selected, so if you've lost your DVD remote then odds are you'll have to watch it on the computer or not at all but how can you pass up the chance to watch the worstest, baddest, failest-flickest movie in the world?
The music has an original track by somebody I forget the first name of but I recall they were a Boll, that whole family just has a gift for sensing great movies in the works, don't they? But the music isn't that bad, and clearly the director agreed as I recall counting a total of 8 or 9 montages throughout the movie, depending on how loosely you define a montage and the quality of my memory. Not even different montages, certain settings with certain people would get their own music and when the camera's went back to them later for their 3rd, 4th, who knows how many montages, it'd be the same music AND a lot of the same scenes spliced in from earlier montages.
The irony of this reliance on music is that the audio levels are HORRIBLE. I've never had my TV speakers up to 50% before, with Pocket Ninjas I was struggling to hear at 100.
So the story is this (I think, despite watching 3 times trying to clarify), a gang of thugs called "The Stingers," that "control all sorts of illegal activity" are going around committing atrocious crimes--in packs of 10-20 for some reason--like beating up a cripple that never provoked them and car-jacking a couple in an abandoned lot only to be beaten up by 3 pre-teen "ninjas" with no acting ability while they were on skates.
Later they go on to actually make money by dumping toxic waste into sewers....which somehow makes money....oddly enough, the leader of the Stingers, Cubby Kahn first reprimands the guy who offered to hand him over the business because it "could hurt the environment"--yes he actually says that--before taking it with no explanation of the change of heart.
Netflix lists this movie as a Children's film but I really don't see how you could show a child a movie that implies that it's funny to stab people and that silencers magically turn bullets into darts or that good and evil is determined by a virtual reality video game (I so wish I made up that last part as it's supposed to be the climax) Any kid dumb enough to like this movie would be bored out of their mind in the first few minutes and any kid intelligent enough to appreciate the message they're trying to get across would be bored in the first few minutes....wait...
To conclude, let me try to make this review shorter by making a list of all the dumb scenes in the movie I haven't had time to go over:
-Character pretends to play a GameBoy (the old, gray, indestructible GameBoy) with the empty cartridge slot pointed straight at the camera
-Mother of character previously mentioned has her arms chained to the wall, when she's freed you can clearly see that there was nothing on the ends of the chains to begin with
-The White Dragon (protagonist) and Kobra Kahn (antagonist) stop in the middle of a fight to play a game similar to patty cake that is slowly sped up until they begin to create motion blurs
-A 9 year old kid takes a portable T.V. into his treehouse, with his comic books, so he can watch....the news, of course! Not to mention he is just captivated by the story about an oil spill or something of the like
-While reading a comic book in the treehouse, one of the three characters' shirt changes from having green stripes to blue stripes, this isn't an isolated incident either.
-There's a fight director, that's not a scene, but it sure is sad
-The three (adolescent or child) main characters have unexplained knowledge of the exact location of the Stingers at nearly all times
-The garbage can scene. I only have about 20,000 characters left, not nearly enough to describe how dumb this one scene is but you'll know what I'm talking about when you see it.
-The rest of them
now we come to THE worst scene in the entire movie, if not in film history. we find white dragon fighting Cobra Khan in a baloon factory. and by baloon factory i mean a bunch of clowns in a room blowing up baloons. well here we are, the fight between cobra khan and white dragon, well they do anything but fight. the mighty white dragon is just bouncing on baloons and telling eachother that 'nah nah cant get me' and the ever dreadful 'neener neener!' After all the bouncing on baloons, Kobra decides he just wants to play pattycake with white dragon. Yes, pattycake, I kid you not. Finally kobra gets fed up with all the five year old games and tries to shoot white dragon, in defense he picks up a baloon to sheild himself from the bullet. The baloon stops the bullet, meaning kobra must buy his guns at an antique shop because the bullet did not have enough strength to pop a baloon and hit white dragon.
i would rather watch a dog dryhump a cat than watch this a third time. i would rather watch a man rip his own head off and eat it than watch this movie a third time. The reason i watched it a second time was because i left halfway through to go watch paint dry.
the long and short of it is i wanted to stab my eyes out with a rusty knife. yeah, not a very good movie