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Critic Reviews for Rottweiler
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Audience Reviews for Rottweiler
Requested by Pandy 357 I'm three minutes and fifty seconds into this movie,and I already have to do a play-by-play review,rather than the normal review.So much like my friend Hollywood did with her review of James Cameron's Aliens,where getting an inside look at a movie I'm literally giving the honor of reviewing it as it goes along it's hour and thirty-four minute run time.So the movies starting with shitty opening credits.Oh look,red....um,red colored pencil? This was a Sy-Fy Original,correct? According to Wikipedia,it is.So why does this say 1982,and not 2004? Whatever,so it continues...and continues.We get a horrendous point of view shot of the Rottweiler.that's almost as bad as Primeval's.Ugh,this is still going.This dude is tripping,and out running a Rottweiler,that's a cyborg according to Wikipedia,and out to get this fool for beating it.This...this thing can't catch up,oh thank God! The credits are over. Our first shot of the main antagonist,I mean protagonist...and he looks virtually fine.Just a few-oh.You look like you where attacked by a bear,not a CYBORG ROTTWEILER! Look,half your face is all scratched up,not fucking bitten and all that other crap.Obviously,you out ran this thing,but didn't manage to die while being attacked.I'm expected to believe you,a man attacked by a cyborg K-9,got these injuries from falling around.Sure,why not,let my suspension of dis-belief run a muck while I'm at it.Oh,your ENTIRE face is messed up.Yet still maintains either bite marks that should be infected,or you fell down a hill.Dude,you should be dead from infected wounds,not still be alive.Now a guard kicked you....dude,just die,end of film.Okay,now I can see your entire wounded face.It still does not match with a cyborg dog.It's clear your eyes have been messed up,but not sustainable with a cyborg dog.You've obviously fallen down a steep hill,or been attacked by a bear,maybe a wolf.This is not a cyborg dog! Four minutes in people! Alright,so it states this is 2018,an immigration containment zone,southern Spain.I see a scorpion.I'm putting on Rock You Like A Hurricane.Here I am,rocking you-oh look! The Rottweiler! Dude,that's one pissed off Rottweiler,oh hey the Scorpion is near your boot! Oh noes,something bad is going to happen.Ugh,it stung a black guy (you surprised),and a fight has erupted.This is pathetic.Two men are escaping,that Scorpion looks evil,and no sign of the Rottweiler.Yeah,this is what I anticipated from a movie about a cyborg dog.....come on,something happen! Oh dear God,another point of view shot,just like in Primeval.Soon enough,Rottweiler is gonna be the second worst movie I've ever seen! Oh,goodie,there cuffed together and it's the ol' tree! Not even six minutes in,how long can I go on?! A third point of view shot,they're running.This is all I can say,and I'm doing the whole movie justice along the way,I'm not just gonna keep spoiling it.This is all I'm experiencing.Just a random occurrence of bull shit inspired stuff that happens to revolve around a cyborg dog.If this is a Sy-Fy Original,this is the laziest one they've ever made. Let's sum up what we've gone through so far quickly.Four point of view shots,a guy got stung by a Scorpion,a fight erupted,two men try to escape,and the Rottweiler is hot on their trail,along with the fuzz.Six minutes,and we can't even foundate a simple plot! That's it,playing a game.The amount of point of view shots.Five of them now.It's attacking,I got generic sound effects,and it appears to be in the custody of the police.So they are,in fact,using this cyborg Rottweiler.HOLY SHIT! The other guy is burning! This isn't even funny,this is insane! The police are using a cyborg dog that can burn people and-this is inhumane,cruel,incredibly brutal,and disgusting punishment! His arm! What the fuck is up with this kind of police! The arm's bitten off! Scary sounding,but this is-what the hell is the law enforcement doing with a cyborg dog that's literally eating alive this one criminal?! I do not care if he's abused the dog,he's eating the criminal alive,I'll be it an escaped convict,but this is brutal! This movie makes no sense,I'm ranting on and on,and Rottweiler is proving itself to be something of a sadistic psychopaths wet dream of a cyborg dog doing evil things! After that incredibly psychopathic moment,the other fella escapes (I don't know who to root for,this dog deserves to be burnt alive),we cut to dawn...or afternoon it seems.We're in a forest,time for Welcome to the Jungle.Mine as well be a Jungle,this is a big ass forest.Our hero is running and running and running up a cliff.So we're in the forest/jungle.Forungle.The...dog is still chasing after him?! This is madness! This is incredible! Use this thing in wars,not against petty thugs.Even if it's animal abuse,that's a petty crime compared to rape,homicide,genocide,torture,and sexual slavery! An awfully steep cliff too,I'm compelled to imply this thing can fly a little! Haha,the criminal is smiling a bit,that's kinda amusing.Oh,it was a Helicopter that was the point of view shot.By the way,point of view shot number six.Wow,and we're nine minutes and forty seconds in.For two minutes,it's just him running and trying to find a hiding spot.This isn't the Sy-Fy Original,for starters,the Helicopter was real,and character development...sorta.For a total of eight minutes,it's nothing but rambling and weird padding.The boat goes boom because of the coast guard I guess,next! Doggie at...I rather just the movie end.Go back to the rambling.Oh,and a boat exploded? Lemme put on Smoke on the Water. Haha,the guy who finds the criminal looks like Anthony Hopkins.Um,don't point that gun at him.First true look at the Rottweiler.It appears to be an actual Rottweiler,however,I can see the flesh,so they used make-up on it.It doesn't look intimidating,but it's spiked color,and obvious cyborg appearance is pretty interesting.However,there is no metallic look to it like I'd hoped for.So a disappointment there.No points added,because this is already a zero out of ten.More yammering,and the dog has blue,robotic eyes,and I just back spaced everything because those eyes are the same color as the illuminated lights in Skyline! Well,anyway,the dog is black in color,and fits the blue eyes fantastically.However,that weird flesh appearance is getting laughable.Yet again,crediblity took it full up in the ass here.Also,time for the song Monster (or as some may just call it "What's that coming over the hill?").The criminal looks so much like Thor.The dog and Anthony Hopkins guy are shot,and for OVER TEN MINUTES,IT IS NOTHING BUT RAMBLING,WALKING,AND POINTLESS BULL SHIT! Oh my God! That was lousy! That Scorpion from the beginning....words fail me.Look,the dog returns to life,and now it's an obvious game of cat and mouse.The dog wants to kill the criminal for,of course,killing him.Look,here's the rest of the plot.The criminal meets up with a love interest,and they become Bonny and Clyde meet the demonic dog of holy shits ville.The dog is burnt to the bone,and a house is on fire.The dog become a deplorable CGI effect and the dog,the girl,and the criminal are burnt alive.Firemen put out the entire fire,and the.....Scorpion is there.The dog has one eye alive,and it gets turned off.Obviously implying it MIGHT still live to never see a sequel (I hope).Why did I skip so much? Boogeyman style padding,that's why.Chatter,chatter,chatter,chatter. I thought about it for a while,but if I don't utilize the time to describe why this movie is the second worst movie I've ever seen,it will seem more like it's worse than Prom Night.Alright,the acting is God forsakenly dismal.It lacks effort,and the criminal can not act at all.The best actor is that Anthony Hopkins-like guy.He's pretty good.I wish he didn't get shot though,he gave good exposition.To bad the writers did not think the same.The love interest (I guess) isn't much better than the criminal,she just sorta sits there,acting like a slutty bitch,who I expected,at any second,to use a dog whistle.She screams,she sorta just bitches,then she dies along with the dog (not,we all know he's alive.They'll find the eye and re-program him).The biggest problem is the fact this appears to be more of a Chiller movie,and not a Sy-Fy movie.I felt like I watched a Chiller "thriller".Aside from that,we just suffer from bland,boring,and at times,unusually under-acted actors who just mutter there lines.I could act better if it wasn't staged.Put me in a movie,without me ever aware of it,and I'd be better.Why? Because I sit infront of my computer all day,just anticipating the moment to strike with a review of an obscure movie,not act like I'm being chased by Girl scout Smurf.Over all,just awful acting.But Anthony Hopkins-like guy was cool. The directing utilizes that deplorably atrocious point of view shot way to much.I saw a 3-D movie today,I do not need a point of view shot of Garfield on speed.Also,that black and white thing,not scary.Not in the slightest.If anything,it's an idiotic filter that feels like someone got salt and pepper over the positive and negative.Diary of a Stupid Kid: Rottweiler Rules.Rodrick was out of town that weekend I guess,but....I don't wanna do an "Joking aside" thing,I can't joke about Rottweiler's pathetic directing.It's the worst part of the entire movie,because it IS the movie.The directing is just the movie.How's that possible? It relies so much on every little detail of the surrounding,that you see everything,but you can't concentrate on one thing,because the director tells the camera man "No,that! No,wait! I mean that,that,that,that!".You do not get a second to adjust to the new angle,and before you know it,five things have occurred,and you're confused and pissed off.It's like how Michael Bay relies heavily on computer generated effects,it's annoying.Well,here,Rottweiler relies so much on it's directorial efforts,that it rips itself apart with boring shots,obnoxious shots,and just flat out tedious shots.It fails in the highest possible rank.Just a flat out failure.It fails at life,for the sake of insult. The dialogue is non-stop chatter,that's moronic on every level.I could just hit the "H" and "A" key(s) for as long as I see fit for the paragraph,and I'd sum it up.It's "Something something something something,did do this?" "Something blah blah haha idiot,of course.".The dialogue is uninspired,and moronic.You can't stoop lower than this,it's impossible.Excluding Prom Night,which that feels like a burn at Rottweiler.The dog just growls non-fucking-stop.I know this ain't a talking animal movie,but shove it up your large,cyborg ass dog! I'm tired of hearing that you're the star of the movie.Now let's see....the "development".Why did I put those periods? I was thinking about how there was barely any efficient dialogue that fitted with the plot about a dog that wants revenge on a criminal who shot it.We ain't got shit to say other than Kai 'n' Peppa coulda make the writers write a good story with good dialogue that revolves around the plot.Best dialogue of the movie was "Grrrrrrrr!!!!".How pathetic.Over all,abysmal dialogue.By the way,how did you like that for a rushed ending? Yeah,here's a spoiler! You don't see them burn alive,it's just an obvious faked Rottweiler skeleton jumping to bite the criminal,then poof,they're all skeletons.Great ending,fucking writers! The make up on the dog looks laughable,but none the less,it's respectable that they didn't use computer imagery for this.The filters,for the point of view shots,are inaccurate for a dog,as they see in shades of gray,not black and grayish white.Which means that any form of effects for the entire dog itself suck.In other words,inaccurate and shitty effects,but good make up.I got a problem with the make up (destroying credibility in this movie is hilarious).It's the pathetic that,after a while,the Rottweiler begins to look way to laughable,and eventually,horrendous.I can't take this two-face K-9 seriously.But aside from that,it's the "best" part,and yet it still blows.The effect of the dog leaping out of the fire,as a CGI skeleton is deplorable.It looks brutally fake,and worse than any form of Sy-Fy Original out there.Can not be taken with even a laughing your ass off face.But even then,after all you would have been through,you'll want to kick your TV out the window.If not,wanna scream into a pillow.Bottom-fucking-line,brutally terrible effects.Even if the make up is decent,it too is brutally awful after a while. Wanna know how the characters are? I lowered the movies' volume,and turned on music because they annoyed me that badly.I woulda muted Prom Night,here,I lowered.Just a reminder this ain't as bad as Prom Night.Breaking the fourth wall,hi guys! I'm a character in the movie! You-you got that? Huh? Alright,lemme die at the jowls of this cyborg Rottweiler (I forgot the breed,let alone the name of the entire movie,for a bit).Look,there are your characters.Merciless-by the book-idiots who do nothing but backhand your intellectual,schooled brain.The same thing these other four movies did: Prom Night,Primeval,The Cave,and Slaughter High did.Gee,looks like the top five worst of the worst have a new friend (Sorry Boogeyman 3).Lemme let out a huge sigh,and just state that,joking aside,much to utter dismay,yes,the characters are that horrendous,and that there ain't nothing else to state.Christ,these characters are inhumane.They could not have been written by a human,they're just so stupid,so flat,so one-dimensional,and so....boring.Look,just over all,Rottweiler has unbelievably awful characters. Please,I beg of you,listen to me.Stay away from Rottweiler.It's on the instant play on Netflix,but avoid it! If it sounds like I hate this more than Prom Night,it's because i wanna re-review,and I planned that for almost a quarter of a year.I'll re-build the fourth wall later,but summing up this disastrous movie is impossible.Rottweiler really just ran it's way to a close second place,barely surpassing Primeval,but coming miles upon miles farther from Prom Night.It's literally an easy meal for Prom Night,but just to simplify things.This was a play-by-play review because this movie aggravated the shit out of me,and if you found it enjoyable,I'll do more in the future.If you didn't like it,that's fine,because this is was a lot more work than I'd anticipated.But here's what I give Rottweiler.No bones,no stars,it just gets a 0 out of 10.You fail obedience school,you don't get a treat,you don't get my arm you just tore of,you,fine here's a cookie.This movie was deplorable.
Wow, Mr. Yuzna, I cannot believe you created this piece of shit movie. The same visionary director of Society, The Dentist, and the Re-Animator sequels can also add Rottweiler to his resume. When the main protagonist isn't running around with his penis flopping up and down in the air, a wild machine dog is tracking him down, killing everyone in its path. More people try to act American, but they are clearly struggling to cover up their Spanish accents, and the effects just look piss poor. Spanish legend Paul Naschy is fun to watch in his two minutes on the screen, but that's about it. This movie blows.
Brian Yuzna really let me down here. Not much to say other than it ranks on the worst movies ever list.
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