Silent Hill: Revelation Reviews
If anybody, ANYWHERE, likes this shitstain of a film, I would seriously recommend an eye exam for them, because this is absolutely disgusting. It is the only piece of media in the world I'd give a 0/10 to.
Not a terrible film by any means. But there was a ton of wasted opportunity here, and that's apparent almost immediately after the film begins. The actors do their very best, but with stilted dialogue, under-explained (and often rushed) twists and turns in the plot, and a paucity of the expert cinematography that defined its predecessor, even the talents of Trinity, Boromir, Jon Snow, and Alex the droog (yes, Malcolm McDowell is in this for some reason, and he only has one scene!) do nothing more than tread water.
Side note: I find it absolutely hilarious that even though the film is set in the U.S., only one of the five top-billed actors (the brilliant Ms. Moss) is actually from North America.
First of all, I have played most of the games in the franchise so I'm very familiar with the story of the series and how it should feel like. That being said, this movie did not dissapoint me, I have to admit. Even with the awful reviews it's got, I still find enjoyment in it! The story picks up after the first movie, just a lot of years later. We follow Harry and Heather Mason as they find a new town to settle in, and just as they were getting comfortable, people from Silent Hill come and take Harry as a bait to lure Heather to come as well. Now, Heather has become friends with Vincent, from school. I won't spoil what happens, but I'll just say that it wasn't very unexpected. I saw it coming from miles ago. Anyways, the main problem I have with the movie is the story. It's interesting, and the source material is brilliant, but the movie feels like a speedrun of the game (third one). So much stuff happens in these 90 minutes that it's very hard not to get confused at parts. Also, some characters/monsters are introduced and killed off, like, a minute afterwards. Everything that has potential gets cut off too soon. The ending is also quite anticlimactic. There's a "big" fight between Pyramid Head and some other creature/monster. It's just ridiculous, but cool looking. Now, to the good parts of the movie. The atmosphere is amazing! I love the look and the style of the movie. It really feels like the game and sometimes it can get pretty disturbing. The gore effects look fake, but they're satisfying. The creatures/monsters look very cool. Especially Pyramid Head, who looks stunning, though they kind of messed up his "sword"... Akira Yamaoka did the soundtrack so it's quite obvious it's great! I appreciate the little Easter eggs in the movie, like when at the ending the trucker that picks Heather and Vincent up is being driven by Travis Grady, the main character of Silent Hill Origins. All in all, this movie probably won't be liked by people who have not played the game, and also people who have played the game and were expecting Hollywood to make an actual good horror movie based off of a game. I would recommend only to people who liked the game and can handle a not-so-good adaptation.
My name is Micheal J. Bassett and I think this one videogame, which is very well known as "Silent Hill", is good stuff. So I'll make a film about it, because I'm a so called "director". What does everything from the horror genre need? Right! Stupid romance scenes! So this is where I should start of. But an innocent little teenage kiss alone, sadly isn't enough, so I also need a totally random nonsense plot, a pseudo-deep conversation about the fact that reality and dream may not be opposites like school taught you kids, a few jumpscares here and there because I don't know how to scare people with just words, visual content and atmosphere, an epic battle with Pyramide Head and some sexy mutant bitch, boring characters, and of course! Many plotholes and logicial issues. This is how you make a masterpiece my little friends! And because I'm a kind guy, I will show you exactly how I put all those genius elements together, to get a fucking fabulous movie out of them which will blow the mind of every horrorfan!
Okay listen carefully, try to keep your impressment in balance, otherwise your mouth will clap open and if someone walks by, you're called a weirdo. I was called a weirdo in school and it is nooo funnn! So try to overcome that problem right? Right! Okay at the very beginning of my own little masterpiece I just created many what the fuck moments without further explanation. But no one cares anyway, because I was rich enough to buy drugs for the old actors to come back to this shitty set. Isn't this admireable? Not many directors these days accomplish that actually. But well, we get introduced to our little character, who was temporarily named Heather by her father, because they always need a change of place because they're haunted by some cult or something I don't even know... well okay I confess. I just wanted to have a reason to make the hair of the character blond okay? I mean, people like blondes right? And forcing the actress to recolour her hair because she wants to look cool and trendy in school would have needed a little bit too much drugs.. so well like I said, i wanna be honest with you kids .. I just did it for the sake of the money. But don't blame me, okay? You wanted to see a blonde, you get a blonde. Don't complain! Well okay I keep going then.. with a bad introduction in school which would have ended with an expulsion in a normal case, but in this film the teacher is impressed by the pseudo-deep speech of a blonde punk girl. And not only the teacher, also the fucking boy who was actually sent from hell to bring her back into Silent Hill because of some killing stuff and some gods and some body and some sexy sexy time with the nurses. PSSTT! The last part was a little secret of mine, because people who have secrets are mysterious and mysterious people are intelligent, if I remember correctly what stereotypes and my god Hollywood-Senpai told me. So, the boy who has no fucking personality is really interested in that girl and like every romance should go, you can totally see this! Love on the first sight is always the best direction, because it's the easiest to make, cos you know character development is hardcore stuff, only for the big bimbos and pretty much not a good lesson to teach little kids like you, you know. Well okay, in fact it would just cost way too much time, money and braincells for me...But wait, oh no! Someone dies because of [insert explanation/plothole/ or whatevs] monster! OMFG! And our poor main character is considered to be the murderer? Well who cares, in the end of this film no one will ever talk about this part of the masterpiece. So kids, just forget about it, forgetting is good! GOOOD! Oh, and btw the guy who died was a detective who somewhat found out about Silent Hill and wanted to save this girl while telling the cult where she is. Good stuff! But well, because the father is somewhat kidnapped by a moving shadow, the moving shadow man to keep it in fact, our protagonist runs away from home with this nice little love interest guy, what was his name again? ah yes, Jon Snow! Because somewhat he can drive and knows how to steal a car or something. Would be bad if it's totally predictable that he's part of this cult. Yeah would be, good that I hinted my details very well. But well Jon Snow saves the day because of love interest power. They get to a hotel because this guy seriously needs some sleep and in the hotel they fucking talk and they kinda confess and oh, the nice plottwist that Jon Snow is part of the cult. I also forgot the cultname but Scientology will do anyway. But after a 30 minutes talk, they still seem to get along because Jon thinks that after this short amount of time he can be sure that this bitch isn't an evil demon like it was always taught to him. And he even sees her half naked. This is truly a healthy relationship! Remeber kids, this is how you can find someone to give birth to your babies! But well this girl gets back into Silent Hill after Jon is somewhat kidnapped, I wonder why they didn't just kidnap her as well.. well the dollar in my hand tells me that I shouldn't ask questions that don't have an answer. Wise dollar, this is why you should love money. Money makes you happy with its wisdom. But well, we see a fucking long scene with many jumpscare moments, like some useless female characters who just happen to die because we seriously needed some action, Pyramide Head having fun with knives because playing with fire is old school kids, and a guy who somewhat has a sigil up his ass. It would be a nice plot for my next porn idea, but this isn't something for you kids. Well, that useless sigil is finally in one piece, and what was it for again? Well, in the sexy nurse room we find Jon Snow and have some moaning time and sexy positions, oh I love to service my fans. For some reason in this room are only male characters killed, because this is a fetish film. Don't google it Johnny! What a naughty boy you are! Fetish means finishing something! Alrighty? Good! But well, we finnally hit our climax on an amusement park! JEEY! And get Pyramide Head on a carousel, and the other half of our main character who just happens to think that killing our poor girl would be a good idea after all this effort to make her live the life she always urged for. And because dark haired people are jealous of sexy blondes I guess. And yes I'm talking about you Jenny, I don't like you because your hair is in a dark brown shade. In a society like this we need some light colours! Well, in an epic fight scene which you can encounter in every ordinary romance movie because two women want the same man, our bad half is killed, and Pyramide Head, the true hero of this movie, is finally free. Btw he was on the carousel all the time, and drove it. I wanna have that drugs they seem to seriously work, because I need some more actors for my next sequel. But after we find out that our main antagonist is the sister of the main antagonist of the last film, we also find out that I'm a true genius. I wanted to create some more space for an epic plot, and because all bad people come from the same family, I just added a random sister to the film, which was never mentioned before. Some good stuff! Well somewhat they want to kill our protagonist and her father but Pyramide Head (the one who does most of the work) saves the day and kills our antagonist in an epic fight which ends with a very creative death.
And the sequel is kind of hinted in the end while the father kind of runs away to search for his bitch, while Jon Snow and our protagonist leave Silent Hill and meet a nice probably pedophile trucker who brings them far far away from this town. And you know what? Nobody cares that she's considered a murderer! Nobody! Seriously, nobody..
"The police we saw in the last few frames, could it be that they were chasing after yo-"
"No, No! Of course not! They chased a school bus for some reason."
"School busses these days... You can't trust anything anymore."
And this kids, is how you make good films! Because no matter how stupid this film will be, because it's Silent Hill, every fan will check it out, to see it with their own eyes. No matter how much they may hate it, I still have my money. And if you want to become rich this is one of the only ways to accomplish that.
best wishes from your former teacher,
Micheal J. Bassett