Snakes on a Train Reviews
I knew it would be bad... I just didn't think it would be this bad.
The Story: A cursed woman and her boyfriend... You know what, it doesn't really matter... It's a minimalist story... And that's an overstatement... This film is one of those that rides the coat tails of those much better... If you finish watching Snakes on a Plane and want more snake action than you go right ahead and buy yourself another ticket, because this snake flick has nothing of interest. It's just one of those that you know isn't going to be good, and you watch just to laugh at, but this one won't even make you laugh... Yeah, it's that bad... The box claims "100 Trapped Passengers.. 2,000 Venomous Vipers!" And you know damn well, that's an empty promise from the get go. I mean, you don't even have to watch the film to know there's no way in hell the filmmakers (if you can call them that) are going to keep this promise... Instead of 2,000 venomous vipers, you'll be treated to about 5 (if that) regular everyday garter snakes, and about 10 (if that) passengers... I just want this to be understood, I DID NOT sit down thinking this was going to be quality in the slightest, in fact, I sat down KNOWING FULL WELL that it was going to be perhaps the worst thing I've ever seen. Even with the lowest expectations imaginable, this film still falls short... Okay with all that said, there is actually some kind of redeeming value to this feature... If you ever come across this in your local rental store, and are in need of a good laugh the extras are guaranteed to do the job... Coming packaged with a blooper reel and a short making of documentary, the special features will be sure to make you feel much better about yourself... Why will this make us feel better about ourselves Tyler, you ask? Well, I'll tell you... The blooper reel is a solid minute of a really bad actor struggling to say "We have a runaway train!", not only does he struggle to say this simple phrase, he looks genuinely sad about screwing it up repeatedly! You just can't help but laugh at the poor schmuck... And if you decide to watch the making of documentary, you'll be laughing the entire time, weather it's bad animatronics, bad acting, or just a set overrun by cattle... That's right, a set overrun by cattle!
Actor - noun
1. a person who acts in stage plays, motion pictures, television broadcasts, etc.
2. not anyone in Snakes on a Train.
One to Five Scale: 1
Watching some guy trying to say "We have a runaway train" actually almost warrants a rental, because it's that damn funny... But other than the special features, this one is made to be thrown away.
Even a low budget film can be expected to overcome some of the special effect problem that this film had ...... and the effects really were 'special'
The type of train that they're on changed numerous times, and there were more carts on the inside shots than there were on the outside shots.
I lost track of how many people were attacked by one, normal size snake only for it to instantaneously breed into dozens, or grow ten times in size.
I've forgotten the characters names so I'll refer to them based on their 'character'
Blondie drug smuggler couldn't make her mind up when getting it on with cowboy cop if she wanted to or not. One shot she looked aroused, the next like she was being raped.
Mexican good guy kept changing his belief system from the old ways to the new ways ("Use your magic" to "She needs a real doctor" to somehow having the knowledge of summoning a tornado to capture the giant snake in an amulet)
Witch doctor needs to get snake woman to LA as quick as possible and is clearly annoyed when the train is going to make an unscheduled stop. So why the hell does he let the guys die, knowing that they'll create snakes in doing so and cause the train to need to be stopped.
The guy who was 'thrown' off the train quite clearly climed down and then jumped - LAME.
The end scene, where the giant snake is eating the train ........ for some reason....... the surviving passengers need to jump from the end carraige which we see still riding the rails (in a cgi scen), and yet their propective is high up in the air...... surely it wouldn't have cost any more in cgi to raise the train from the outside shot??
The oh-so witty argument between cowboy cop (or not cop), and middle eastern american sounding cop/not cop; "Trust me" "No trust me" "No trust me" "Trust me" ...... and they're arguing about cowboy stripping off or not ..... at gunpoint......
Awful film, awful acting, I could witter on and on about the lame moments but it would take me longer than the film took to watch.
The only reason I gave it one star is because it had the guts to ave a scene where a little girl sees her Mum and Dad killed by a snake, and then see her getting eaten by one as well...... even if it was the same snake that killed all three, and it was too small to eat a person when it killed Mum and Dad, but the perfect size to eat the girl (yes it grew that big that quick for no reason)
If you want an enjoyable snake themed camp horror/disaster film - stick with air travel and Samuel L Jackson