Ted - Movie Quotes - Rotten Tomatoes

Ted Quotes

  • Ted: Why are you crying?
    John Bennett: My dick is squished by the TV.


  • Narrator: Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterwards, he fell into a deep depression, and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.
    Narrator: Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterwards, he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.


  • Lori: Welcome back, Ted.
    John Bennett: It was you. You did it.
    Ted: Son of a bitch. You wished for my life back.
    Lori: No. I wished for my life back.


  • Ted: Oh, come on. I don't sound really much like Peter Griffin.


  • Ted: Jesus! I look like the robot from Aliens.


  • John Bennett: I thank you for saving every one of us!


  • Donny: You're mine, Ted!
    Ted: Screw you, pal! I belong to John Bennett.
    Donny: But I can give you love, and rocking horses, and dancing!
    Ted: I think we're very far apart on this.


  • Donny: Hi, Ted.
    Ted: Fuck!


  • Ted: 'Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit' My god, America is imploding!


  • Narrator: Do you remember Brandon Routh from that god awful 'Superman' movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taken a giant shit on us!


  • Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits.


  • Lori: It's not my fault she can't speak English.
    Tami-Lynn: Oh, fuck you!!


  • John Bennett: I've found my car keys. What's going on? (Looks in the corner) Is that a shit?
    John Bennett: I've found my car keys. What's going on? Is that a shit?


  • Frank: So, you think you've got what it takes?
    Ted: I'll tell you what I've got, your wife's pussy on my breath.
    Frank: Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
    Ted: That's cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box.
    Frank: You're hired.
    Ted: Shit.


  • John's Dad: Jesus H. Fuck!


  • Ted: Oh, that was my bad, I was pulling a tweet.


  • Ted: That's my bad, I was sending a tweet.


  • Ted: [to fat kid] Back off, Susan Boyle!
    Ted: Back off, Susan Boyle!


  • Ted: [dressed in a suit and tie] I look stupid.
    Ted: I look stupid.
    John Bennett: No you don't, you look dapper.
    Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.


  • Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip, after I sold to a family with four little children
    Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip after I sold to a family with four little children


  • John Bennett: You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock I would chew it of to get you free. Is that cannibalism?
    Lori: Only if you swallow
    Lori: Only if you swallow.


  • John Bennett: Hello? 911? I need the police right way! This guy took my teddy bear!........ Hello?
    John Bennett: [calling 911] This guy took my teddy bear! [pause]
    John Bennett: [calling 911] This guy took my teddy bear!


  • Narrator: Nothing is as powerful as a young boy's wish, except for an apache helicopter.


  • John's Dad: GET MY GUN!!!
    John's Dad: GET MY GUN!
    John's Dad: Helen, get my gun!
    Young Ted's Voice: Is it a hugging gun?
    Young John: Dad! No!
    John Bennett: Is it a hugging gun?
    Ted: Is it a hugging gun?


  • Thomas: That's me and Skeritt
    John Bennett: Wow
    Thomas: Goddamn right wow.


  • Thomas: That's me and Skeritt.


  • Ted: just email me the rest of this story.
    Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?


  • Donny: Are you out here all alone?
    Ted: Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone
    Ted: Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone.


  • Ted: That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet.


  • Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
    John Bennett: Fucking right.
    Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
    John Bennett: Alright.
    John Bennett: Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!" [blow raspberries]
    John Bennett: Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / 'Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / Cause you're just God's farts!' [blow raspberries]


  • Donny: (to Ted) I'll give you love, rocking horses and dancing
    Donny: [to Ted] I'll give you love, rocking horses and dancing.


  • Ted: Ted brought happiness into everybody's lives in one was or another.


  • Ted: Lets get stoned.
    John Bennett: You get the job and we can smoke this afterwards.
    John Bennett: Your my best friend Ted cause I don't have any, because I didn't have any in school and was picked on an bullied pretty much everyday.


  • Ted: It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.
    Ted: It's called 'Mind Rape', it's actually pretty mellow.
    John Bennett: It doesn't sound very mellow.
    Ted: Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!
    Ted: Well he only had three other batches: 'Gorilla Panic', 'They're coming! They're coming!' and something called 'This Is Permanent'... Go on, spark it up!


  • John Bennett: Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you! [Ted laughs]


  • Ted: White trash name. Guess.


  • John Bennett: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!
    Ted: Hahaha!
    John Bennett: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!
    Ted: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.


  • Lori Collins: [Looks down on floor] What is that?
    Ted: Wha- what is what?
    Lori Collins: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!
    Ted: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.


  • Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!


  • Ted: Backoff, Susan Boyle!


  • Robert: Should I have wash my hands before playing?
    Ted: Wha...? No...Yes...Weird, fucking question, just start countin a'ight
    Ted: Wha...? No... Yes... Weird, fucking question, just start countin a'ight.


  • Ted: Thunder buddies for life!


  • Narrator: Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.


  • Ted: [to Tami-Lynn] You have a baby? Is it alive?


  • Lori Collins: Can I give you a ride home?
    John Bennett: No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.


  • Ted: "Kareem!" (throws bottle and misses)
    Ted: Kareem! [throws bottle and misses]
    Ted: "You suck Kareem!"
    Ted: You suck Kareem!


  • Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
    Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box!


  • Ted: Shit.


  • Frank: Nobodyâ??s ever spoken to me like that before.
    Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
    Ted: Thatâ??s because their mouths were full of your wifeâ??s box.
    Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
    John Bennett: Youâ??re hired.
    John Bennett: You're hired.
    Ted: Shit.


  • Ted: Is it a hugging gun?


  • Ted: Don't worry I feel fine to drive.


  • Narrator: No matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.


  • Ted: Why are you crying?
    John Bennett: My dick got squished by the tv.


  • Ted: The company's turning 20, so you can bang it, but you can't get it drunk.


  • Ted: Why are you crying?
    John Bennett: My dick got squished by the tv!
    John Bennett: My junk got squished by the TV!


  • Ted: (to Tami-Lynn about his stalker) That's Sinead O'Connor. She don't look good no more.
    Ted: [to Tami-Lynn about his stalker] That's Sinead O'Connor. She don't look good no more.


  • John Bennett: Sometimes I look back at that Christmas day when I wished for you, and I think that I should have gotten a Teddy Ruxpin!
    Ted: Say that one more time.
    John Bennett: Teddy. Ruxpin!


  • Ted: I wanna do something to her called a "Dirty Fozzie"
    Ted: I wanna do something to her called a 'Dirty Fozzie'.
    Ted: Do you know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call a Dirty Fozzie.


  • Ted: He's still a better singer than Katy Perry.


  • Ted: I'd tongue punch that fart box!
    Ted: I'd tongue punch her fart box.


  • Narrator: Robert Got A Personal Trainer And lost A Significant Amount Of Weight And Later Became Taylor Lautner
    Narrator: Robert hired a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner.
    Narrator: Taylor hired a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner.


  • Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.
    Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.
    Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits.


  • Tami-Lynn: He's actually pretty good at sex, even though he doesn't have a penis
    Tami-Lynn: He's actually pretty good at sex, even though he doesn't have a penis.
    Ted: Yeah, I've written a lot of letters to Hasbro about that.


  • Ted: Where is my ring motherfucker?
    Ted: Where's my ring, motherfucker?


  • Ted: Come here ya bastard!


  • Ted: I bet you treat your wife like a vacuum cleaner. She both sucks and blows. And when you are done with her, you throw her back into the closet.


  • Ted: That was my bad! I was sending a tweet.


  • Ted: I fucked her with a Parsnip..then sold it to a family with four small children. Manager: You've got guts
    Ted: I fucked her with a Parsnip..then sold it to a family with four small children.


  • Ted: Bring it in, ya bastard.


  • Tami-Lynn: Did you just call me a what?
    Tami-Lynn: Did you just call me a whore?


  • Young Ted's Voice: [From trailer] You're my best friend, John!
    Young Ted's Voice: [from trailer] You're my best friend, John!
    Young John: [Smiles and hugs Ted]
    Young John: [smiles and hugs Ted]
    Young Ted's Voice: [Voicebox] I love you!
    Young Ted's Voice: [voicebox] I love you!


  • Ted: Yea, why dont you finish that story in an email and send it to me.


  • Ted: Oh hey listen, try this. I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.
    John Bennett: What is this?
    Ted: It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.
    Ted: It's called 'Mind Rape', it's actually pretty mellow.
    John Bennett: It doesn't sound very mellow.
    Ted: Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!
    Ted: Well he only had three other batches: 'Gorilla Panic', 'They're coming! They're coming!' and something called 'This Is Permanent'... Go on, spark it up!


  • Ted: "Lori was right about you: you cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life."
    Ted: Lori was right about you: you cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
    John Bennett: "Oh, and you can?"
    John Bennett: Oh, and you can?
    Ted: "I dont have to, Im a fucking teddy bear."
    Ted: I dont have to, Im a fucking teddy bear.


  • Ted: I can hear the fat kid running. I bet it's hilarious.


  • Narrator: Nothing is more powerful than a young boys wish... except an apache helicopter... those things have machine guns and missles.


  • Lori Collins: Who are these girls?!


  • John Bennett: [Singing] You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts! [Blows raspberry]
    John Bennett: [singing] You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts! [blows raspberry]
    Ted: [Singing] You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts! [Blows raspberry]
    Ted: [singing] You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts! [blows raspberry]


  • Narrator: But eventually, everyone grows up.


  • Ted: I'm sorry! I love you!


  • Ted: Okay. All right. So that's where we'll draw the line.


  • John Bennett: What do you want?!


  • Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right Johnny?
    John Bennett: Fuckin' right!


  • Ted: I'm sorry, I love you.
    John Bennett: I love you too.


  • John Bennett: [From trailer] I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin!
    John Bennett: [from trailer] I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin!
    Ted: Say that one more time.
    John Bennett: TEDDY, RUXPIN!
    Ted: Aaaaahhh! [Lunges at John and starts to fight him]
    Ted: Aaaaahhh! [lunges at John and starts to fight him]


  • John Bennett: Sometimes when I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin!


  • Young Ted's Voice: Merry Christmas, everybody!


  • Young Ted's Voice: You're my best friend, John!


  • Ted: I look like snuggles accountant.


  • John Bennett: It's alright. If I get raped it's my fault for what I'm wearing.


  • John Bennett: From one gentleman to another, I hope you get sick and die of fuckin Lou Gehrig's disease.


  • Ted: Who took a shit on the floor? We were playing truth or dare...She's got balls!


  • Ted: Thanks for creepin' up my night.


  • Frank: You had sexual intercourse on top of the produce that we sell to people?
    Ted: I did her with a parsnip. Then I sold that same parsnip to a family of four.
    Frank: You have guts, and I like guts. You're promoted!
    Ted: Do you have a problem or something?


  • Ted: life aint nothing but bitches and honey!
    Ted: Life ain't nothin' but bitches and honey.


  • Ted: "I swear to god her name is Sauvignon Blanc. Go on and show her your Chevron card"
    Ted: I swear to god her name is Sauvignon Blanc. Go on and show her your Chevron card.


  • Ted: Sorry I was sending a tweet.


  • John Bennett: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?
    Ted: No
    Ted: No.
    John Bennett: Did any of those names have a Lynne after it?
    Ted: yup
    Ted: Yup.
    John Bennett: Heather Lynn, Brandy Lynn...
    Ted: Tammy Lynn
    Ted: Tammy Lynn.
    John Bennett: FUCK!


  • Ted: You people look like the wooden hobby horse with fake hair toys kind of people. Yep, I was right creepy hobby horse with fake hair there it is!


  • John Bennett: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder-buddy, and say these magic words. FUCK YOU THUNDER! You can suck my dick. You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. *Fart noise*
    Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder-buddy, and say these magic words. FUCK YOU THUNDER! You can suck my dick. You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. *Fart noise*


  • Ted: [dressed in a suit and tie] I look stupid.
    John Bennett: No, you don't, you look dapper.
    Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.


  • Lori: Ted what the hell
    Ted: Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
    Ted: Their hookers so it's fine


  • Ted: I look like Snuggles the accountant.


  • Ted: You're never alone when you're with Christ.


  • John Bennett: Is that a shit on the floor?


  • John Bennett: Fuck you thunder! You can suck my dick!
    Ted: Fuck you thunder! You can suck my dick!


  • John Bennett: I look at you and wish I had a Teddy Ruxpin!


  • Ted: No really her name is Sauvignon Blanc! Go ahead honey, show him your Chevron card.


  • Ted: I look like something you give your kid when you tell them grandma died
    Ted: I look like something you give to your kid when you tell him Grandma died.


  • Ted: Thunder buddies for life?


  • Ted: That was my bad, I was sending a tweet
    Ted: That was my bad, I was sending a tweet.


Find More Movie Quotes