The Creeping Terror (Dangerous Charter) (The Crawling Monster) Reviews
It is apparent what kind of movie The Creeping Terror is before the film has passed the 5 minute mark. After a conversation between two of the leads which showcases the poor quality of the cinematography and the amateurish writing given to the narrator, the movie attempts to show an alien spaceship landing. I say "attempts" because I honestly had no idea what was going on the first time I watched this film. The effects shot of the alien ship approaching earth employs the time-honored technique of smearing vaseline on a camera lens and filming a truck (the spaceship) driving past on a stretch of highway with a number of streetlights (stars). The film then cuts to stock footage of a rocket launch, except played in reverse so that the engines appear to suck in the exhaust.
Returning to the monster, one of the most important parts of any creature feature, it looks like a pile of soiled quilts with some rubber tubing sticking out of its head, and the shoes of the high school students carrying the creature can occasionally be seen projecting from under the costume. Not only is the creature ugly and unthreatening in design, but it is extremely unthreatening in behavior. The creature moves at less than walking pace, and at one point, someone outruns it by crawling. It also visibly struggles to push past folding tables and chairs during the dance hall scene. This makes the human characters look like complete morons, as they could easily escape the creature simply by walking in the opposite direction, but instead sit there and scream until it eats them.
Unsurprisingly, the human characters are incredibly uninteresting. Furthermore, the main characters fail to accomplish anything at any point in the movie. The most the movie attempts to do with its characters is incorporate a subplot about how Barney, one of the police officers, is in the wrong for being a bachelor. Several extended sequences also focus on random characters doing completely irrelevant and uninteresting things. For instance, the dance hall scene starts with an extended sequence of people dancing before the creature teleports into the room (it doesn't appear to enter through a door).
The Creeping Terror is a rare example of a movie I could one-up if given the money. It feels like a film made by a handful of adolescents who were given a few thousand dollars and group of community theater actors and asked to make a film. It is also a fascinating film, in the sense of a 10 car pileup caused by careless driving. The film is so unbelievably incompetent and amateurish and produced for such cynical reasons that I can't give it an even give a slightly positive review, no matter how much pleasure I took from its sheer incompetence.
The review: I was overcome with HORROR watching a rug devouring several retarded hillbillys who lived in a nuclear gas testing area, as that is the only place in the world where would only stand there, looking shocked, as an alien tarp-pipe -cleaner contraption devours them whole, through a vagina in its neck. But who knows, maybe i'm wrong, and these people were just standing there, trying to comprehend why the HELL they agreed to be in that movie, and why the thing attacking them looked like looked like a giant mound of mushy broccoli and pipe cleaners, with what appeared to be tennis shoes sticking out from under it. But who knows, maybe the vagina-mouthed rug stopped at a shoe store, to get a nice new pair of kicks, before it went on its murderous rampage, devouring a couple hundred braindead hicks. "But damn," he wrote," they got a star-studded cast to be in it, like the guy who did the sex ed documentaries in the 50s, as he did 95% of the movie's dialogue." He then wrote about how he found the third person dialogue to be hilarious. It was QUITE the scaving review!
The acting was also horrendous, as at least twice( in the few moments of actual dialogue) a character was speaking without there lips moving. Also, everyones' scream sounded the same as they were being devoured. Also, you could clearly see arms helping the poor people into the tarp, which the extras steered with the utmost grace of a retarded chimpanzee.The ending was the only good part of the film for two reasons.
A. It was finally over.
B. The ending, while actually being kinda dumb, was still the smartest part of the film, so Yah!
I will admit- this movie does have somewhat of an interesting premise that would have been needed to be further changed and developed- these monsters are actually alien sample collectors designed to study human weaknesses. Now- I could see a satire or maybe a serious sci-fi movie starting out like that- but this movie is so atrocious, so incompetent, so badly made and so unbelievably crazy that who could ever take it seriously? The film not only disregards this interesting premise but actually forgets about it to become a standard monster chase film- and that is an insult to monster chase films.
This movie may have to be seen to be believed. I mean- it is really something. It has absolutely no redeeming features. Everything about it is awful- even the little things, like the cinematography, the makeup, the special effects (probably the worst special effects in history- even more so than PLAN 9)- absolutely everything in this movie is awful. Not only is it a complete anti-classic, but it is just downright hilarious. Hilariously awful. Like a few others, this must be considered a highlight of any bad movie festival. Movies this bad deserve their own movie festival- maybe even their own museum.
In terms of filmmaking competency, this is actually worse than Manos: The Hands of Fate. I realise that isn't a statement that should be made lightly, but that film was at least in colour, and despite it all being dubbed there was still the illusion that the characters were speaking to each other. There was also much less filler, and the people in it had some semblance of survival instinct. The Creeping Terror, or more accurately, The Shambling Nuisance, is 76 minutes of inexcusably dumb people being killed by a laughably designed antagonist, filmed with little care or attention by someone who doesn't know the slightest thing about movie making. I watched purely out of morbid curiosity, and will forever pay the price for doing so.
Hilariously bad, and the narrator just makes it worse or better, depending on how you look at it. The monster cutting a rug is just too much.
calm your hormones and move on! jesus