"Tiptoes" is an absolutely bizarre culmination of so many disparate elements, one would think it was the result of a mock conspiracy. Were all of these people blackmailed into doing this as some sort of Illuminati rite of passage? Do they play this movie at Guantanamo Bay? Peter Dinklage is a French Marxist who drinks morphine and screws Patricia Arquette. Gary Oldman is dwarvified. The creepy dwarf from Twin Peaks' Black Lodge is in this, and Matthew McConaughey and Kate Beckinsale, against all odds, refuse to phone in their performances. The tone, if it even exists, is quite possibly one of the most baffling things I've ever witnessed as it veers between stoner-comedy irreverence (complete with cursing and sex jokes) to dramatic introspective relationship troubles. If I had counted all of the "WTF?!?!" moments, I could have had a really good drinking game going on, but I couldn't help but feel like I was watching some sort of Cthulu-esque un-nameable creation that shouldn't be every other five minutes. By the end, I felt like someone had been exploited. It might not be the little people or even me, but it felt like Satan definitely had something to do with this brain-melting circus.