Watercolor Postcards Reviews

  • Oct 31, 2017

    If you took a Lifetime movie, then swapped in an even worse cast and script, you might come close to approaching the disaster that is Home Is Where the Heart Is. Or is it Watercolor Postcards? This movie is so bad that the title screen on the movie is actually different from the title anywhere else on the internet. Not that anyone has any reason to ever seek out this movie on the internet because it is almost completely unwatchable. There is no aspect of the movie that works, and there are many that are actively terrible. I got the digital download for this movie without realizing what it was, so I felt obligated to watch it, a mistake I won’t make again because this was bad. For starters, watching this movie made me question which Conrad Goode is worse at: acting or writing. Let’s start with acting, because he almost singlehandedly put me to sleep while watching this movie. I cannot remember the last time I’ve seen someone with a less expressive voice trying to pull off the male romantic lead in a movie. His dead eyes and uncaring face don’t help either. I imagine if he didn’t write the script himself there’s no way he would have landed this role. All attempts this movie makes at emotion, story arc, and poignancy die a miserable death because this guy walks on screen. Believe me when I say, *spoilers for a crappy movie you should never watch* you’ll be celebrating instead of crying when his character dies at the end. *end spoilers* I mean it’s pretty bad when you’re being out-acted by the “Boats! Boats! Boats!” bimbo from How I Met Your Mother. Then there’s the laughably bad script. The general story structure is one that feels like it could work, about a girl who ran away from small town life and is forced to come back to take care of her little sister and face all the stuff she left behind. But every time Watercolor Postcards has the opportunity to make a smart/logical choice it runs away from it. She isn’t forced to come back because her mother died, she just happened to come back. She doesn’t strain to take care of her little sister and fight to get away, she settles in pretty easily. Then there are the dozens of useless plot threads that never get resolved or explained. Like the alcoholic ex-boyfriend who just disappears after attempted rape, or the seeming magical visions that the little sister is having. Not one thing in Watercolor Postcards works effectively. A couple of decent actors appear and are given nothing worthwhile to do. For instance John C. McGinley and Ned Bellamy play bit parts as regular bar patrons who are always bantering with one another, except none of their banter is funny. They just seem to be there rambling and trying to inject some atmosphere into the empty set. There’s also some death that the characters have to deal with and other heavy emotional topics, but since the acting is so flat and the dialogue is so bad, I never once came close to experiencing those emotions with them. There is even some songs written for the film, and it is sung almost as terribly as it was composed. Needless to say, I’d suggest you avoid watching Watercolor Postcards.

    If you took a Lifetime movie, then swapped in an even worse cast and script, you might come close to approaching the disaster that is Home Is Where the Heart Is. Or is it Watercolor Postcards? This movie is so bad that the title screen on the movie is actually different from the title anywhere else on the internet. Not that anyone has any reason to ever seek out this movie on the internet because it is almost completely unwatchable. There is no aspect of the movie that works, and there are many that are actively terrible. I got the digital download for this movie without realizing what it was, so I felt obligated to watch it, a mistake I won’t make again because this was bad. For starters, watching this movie made me question which Conrad Goode is worse at: acting or writing. Let’s start with acting, because he almost singlehandedly put me to sleep while watching this movie. I cannot remember the last time I’ve seen someone with a less expressive voice trying to pull off the male romantic lead in a movie. His dead eyes and uncaring face don’t help either. I imagine if he didn’t write the script himself there’s no way he would have landed this role. All attempts this movie makes at emotion, story arc, and poignancy die a miserable death because this guy walks on screen. Believe me when I say, *spoilers for a crappy movie you should never watch* you’ll be celebrating instead of crying when his character dies at the end. *end spoilers* I mean it’s pretty bad when you’re being out-acted by the “Boats! Boats! Boats!” bimbo from How I Met Your Mother. Then there’s the laughably bad script. The general story structure is one that feels like it could work, about a girl who ran away from small town life and is forced to come back to take care of her little sister and face all the stuff she left behind. But every time Watercolor Postcards has the opportunity to make a smart/logical choice it runs away from it. She isn’t forced to come back because her mother died, she just happened to come back. She doesn’t strain to take care of her little sister and fight to get away, she settles in pretty easily. Then there are the dozens of useless plot threads that never get resolved or explained. Like the alcoholic ex-boyfriend who just disappears after attempted rape, or the seeming magical visions that the little sister is having. Not one thing in Watercolor Postcards works effectively. A couple of decent actors appear and are given nothing worthwhile to do. For instance John C. McGinley and Ned Bellamy play bit parts as regular bar patrons who are always bantering with one another, except none of their banter is funny. They just seem to be there rambling and trying to inject some atmosphere into the empty set. There’s also some death that the characters have to deal with and other heavy emotional topics, but since the acting is so flat and the dialogue is so bad, I never once came close to experiencing those emotions with them. There is even some songs written for the film, and it is sung almost as terribly as it was composed. Needless to say, I’d suggest you avoid watching Watercolor Postcards.

  • Sep 29, 2015

    a piece of shit. next!

    a piece of shit. next!