Welcome to the Rileys Quotes

  • Doug Riley: Are you alright?
    Mallory: Mmm. Yeah. I just can't stand on the street without the cops comin' by me like I'm a fuckin' crackwhore.
    Doug Riley: What happened?
    Mallory: I came here with this guy and, uh, he kept tryin' to stick it up my fuckin' ass. And I was like 'You pencil dick, back the fuck up', and he wouldn't. I went to piss and I came back out, my wallet is sittin' on the bed, and all my shit is everywhere, and his car is gone, and all I got his fuckin' shoes. And like... I'm out nine hundred bucks.


  • Mallory: Oh, you're not a cop? Oh, okay, show me your cock then, huh? Yeah
    Doug Riley: Stop that!
    Mallory: Prove, you're not a cop
    Doug Riley: I'm not a cop
    Mallory: Take this fuckin' back, because that's about how close you're gonna get to my pussy tonight. Fuck nuts!


  • Mallory: What's your problem?
    Doug Riley: I guess I'm just not used to bein' around young women who talk about their private parts.
    Mallory: (laughs) Like hello! Like I have private parts!
    Mallory: Like hello! Like I have private parts!


  • Mallory: Hey, you know me and Doug, we don't fool around or anything like that. I'm just sayin' that I mean nothin' like that.
    Lois Riley: I believe you
    Mallory: Because, I mean, he's completely old school. It's crazy.
    Lois Riley: I believe you.


  • Mallory: Hey you know me and Doug, we don't fool around or anything like that. I'm just saying I mean nothing like that.
    Lois Riley: I believe you.
    Mallory: Because, I mean, he's completely old school. It's crazy.


  • Mallory: What's your problem?
    Doug Riley: I guess I'm just not used to being around young women who talk about their private parts.
    Mallory: [laughs] Like hello! Like I have private parts!


  • Lois Riley: You can leave me if you have to, but I will never leave you.


  • Mallory: I'm nobody's little girl! It's too late for that shit.


  • Mallory: Woah. Did somebody open a can of tuna fish?


  • Mallory: Oh, you're not a cop!? Oh, okay, show me your cock then, huh? Yeah.
    Doug Riley: Stop that!
    Mallory: Prove you're not a cop!
    Doug Riley: I'm not a cop!
    Mallory: Take this fucking back, cause that's about how close you're gonna get to my pussy tonight. Fuck nuts!


  • Doug Riley: Are you alright?
    Mallory: Mmm. Yeah. I just can't stand on the street without the cops coming by me like I'm a fucking crackwhore.
    Doug Riley: What happened?
    Mallory: I came here with this guy and, uh, he kept trying to stick it up my fucking ass. And I was like "Yo, pencil dick, back the fuck up," and he wouldn't. I went to piss and I came back out, my wallet is sitting on the bed, and all my shit is everywhere, and his car is gone, and all I got is fucking shoes. And like... I'm out 900 bucks.
    Mallory: I came here with this guy and, uh, he kept trying to stick it up my fucking ass. And I was like 'Yo, pencil dick, back the fuck up,' and he wouldn't. I went to piss and I came back out, my wallet is sitting on the bed, and all my shit is everywhere, and his car is gone, and all I got is fucking shoes. And like... I'm out 900 bucks.


  • Mallory: My mom died in a car accident.


  • Mallory: That's basically forever.


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