TheMysteryLlama's Movie Ratings - Rotten Tomatoes

Movie Ratings and Reviews

The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant

fun mad scientist/monster movie with bruce dern & casey casem! the title says it all.

AVH: Alien vs. Hunter

ohh what a incoherent mess. in the country side wandering about is a big cgi spider & a robot type thingy. dunno what there doing or why theres miles of tunnels under the fields here that the cast wander about for ages in.

The Hunger Games
½

slow & rather boring (& censored in the UK theatres to get a 12A cert) film set in a dystopian future where the rich people living in the capitol subdue the rest in districts (IE work camps) & pick random kids to fight to the death for their viewing pleasure.
think of a poor mix of battle royale & the running man, without the action,violence & this is what your left with....already earmarked for 3 squels....
poor story continuity doesnt help (the teenager at the start is nominated 42 times for the annual games, hows that work?)

The Devil Inside
½

a average fake documentary film, these things are rarely good compared to the original fake footage movie, cannibal holocaust. not terrible, but not good eather.

The Way Back
The Way Back(2011)
½

great film based on a true story, colin farrells best acting role by far.

Metropolis
Metropolis(1927)

A masterpiece of cinema, amazing almost 100 years on still. everyone who likes film should see this.

Apollo 18
Apollo 18(2011)

a film of 2 halves, the 1st 30 mins is BORING, but once there on the moon it gets very interesting.

Cowboys & Aliens
½

a suprisingly boring film. how can you make a film with a title like that boring?

The 9th Company (9 rota)

great russian war movie, very loosely based on the battle for hill 3234 . but to dumb it down, its like full metal jacket, but russian. (I liked it more too)

The Silent House

very scary film, with clever camerawork (shot all in 1 shot) using focus to draw you in & great use of audio to put you on edge. because its shot in 1 shot it makes you feel like a voyeur walking around there, making you feel more involved & because of that the scares work better.

Moon
Moon(2009)

interesting psycological film, no one say too much about the film, but the moon is just a backdrop.

Captain America: The First Avenger

a good action movie, suprisingly good 3D too.entertaining.

Terror of Tiny Town
½

SEE JED BUELLS MIDGETS! - what more could you want - all the munchkins from the wizard of oz in a western, they ride Shetland ponies & walk under the swingy door thingys of the bar. excellent stuff. you dont get enough midget films nowadays.

First Blood
First Blood(1982)

great action movie, John Rambo gets the vietnam flashbacks when brutal cops pick on him, & off to the mountains he goes while shouting HU a lot.

Admiral
Admiral(2008)
½

interesting biopic about admiral Kolchak, involving WW1, the russian revolution & civil war,centred around his Affair with Anna Vasilyevna Timiryova - both were married at the time.good battle scenes

Lebanon (Levanon)

an excellent war movie, shot entierely from the perspective of inside a tank (your only sight & sound outside is through targets & radio chatter) set on the 1st day of the lananon war a nieve tank crew enter the country.gritty & confusing in places.excellent.

Beaufort
Beaufort(2008)

about the pointlessness of war, but way to overlong & slow. a group of bored soldiers in a outpost for 2hrs.you'll be even more bored as the random incoming shell isnt a danger to you.

The Lost Future
½

average TV movie, post apocalypse, with good CG.reasonably story of a treck to get a cure to save his people (& the world) hundreds (or thousands) of years after the end of the world by a disease.

Drive Angry
Drive Angry(2011)
½

reasonably entertaining silly action flick, badly let down by terrible computer graphic effects (sometimes on a par with sci-fi channel movies) when will directors realise bad real effects are better than bad CG...

Pandorum
Pandorum(2009)

starts well, but gets a bit boring after an interesing mysterious premise. Its a bit like the decent on a space ship.

Frozen
Frozen(2010)

decent survival type picture (like 127hrs but you dont know the outcome which is always good) slow in places but some really good bits.

Bitch Slap
Bitch Slap(2010)
½

entertaining grindhouse stylee movie, a little like a cross between sin city & a russ meyer movie (kinda like sucker punch too, but this came out 3 years before hand & is a lot more adult) has a reasonably intricate & interesting story line too along with really funny lines.

H2: Halloween II
½

what a mess, I LOVE halloween movies, but honestly this is such a mess & boring, who would want to see another? Mr. Zombie, you might as well have made up your own serial killer, it would have probably been better than taking a tried & tested one & making a (at least its a gorry) mess. the 1.5 stars is purely for the gory deaths & spot the actor that zombie loves to play. If I wanted to see a 7ft tall slipknot fan killing people id have went to see "slipknot killer 25" ive copywrighted that by the way & want a cut.

Volkodav iz roda serykh psov (Wolfhound from the Breed of Grey Dogs)
½

excellent conan type sword & sorcery epic (probably better than conan) with the titicular "wolfhound" character growing up in similar situation (though quicker moving) plus he has a pet bat. good effects & fight scenes makes it a must watch for fans of this type of film.

Kramer vs. Kramer
½

excellent family drama of 2 parents splitting up & trying to deal with seperate parenthood.

Day Of Wrath
Day Of Wrath(2006)

average period thriller.but it does have Brian Blessed in which always makes things better I think.

The Power of Fear (Vedma)(Evil)

possibly the worst movie I have ever seen. theres no synopsis because I couldnt work out what the films about! a bloke drives his car, get out & walks to a farmhouse where a granny lets him in, he has a bath & bonk with some young lass who turns into the granny so he drowns her & she dissapears down the drain, then he runs away, ends up having a accident with someone in a truck, so he nicks his vicar outfit & cock in a cage (yes the bird) then the sherriff finds him & takes him to a town where he gets locked in a church no-ones been in for 5 years (but has lit candles & some lass in a coffin) she then becomes some evil things & he escapes at dawn, & then does it again for the next 2 nights. thats about it....makes no sense!

Tokugawa onna keibatsu-emaki: Ushi-zaki no kei (The Joy of Torture 2: Oxen Split Torturing)

certainly lives up to its title,one of the most sadistic & graphic films Ive seen.including the oxne split torturing, graphic abortions,frying & roasting people etc.

Inside (À l'intérieur)

great shocker, a little like the old italian classic - house on the edge of the park.using one of the few taboos left, a pregnant woman in peril.a couple of silly bits (as youd expect from any horror or thriller really to keep up the suspense) highly recommended.

Dèmoni (Demons)
½

Its Loadsafun! dont take it too seriously & some great grisly running about type zombie action.

Arctic Blast
Arctic Blast(2010)

rather silly but reasonably enjoyable apocalyptic time killer. the usual type of thing that turns up on the sci-fi channel.

Monsters
Monsters(2010)

slow road trip film, the premise is lost & used only as a background to the story of 2 people going home.
average film, wasting an interesting alien setting.

Priest
Priest(2011)
½

enjoyable, if a little run of the mill post apocalyptic action movie, based on a comic book. the vampires here are nothing human at all. priests are kung fu masters & only people quick enough to fight the vampires. good fun & good effects.

Stake Land
Stake Land(2011)

enjoyable post apocalypse movie, a bit like land of the dead. the vampires are pretty braindead, hungery animal types (A little like zombies who dont like the sun) down beat & gritty, I enjoyed it because of that.

Trollhunter
Trollhunter(2011)
½

great face documentary type film, a bit like cloverfield.
the effects are great. A really enjoyable film.
I now believe in trolls.

Far Cry
Far Cry(2008)

very run of the mill action film, loosely based on the game farCry,not terrible, but rarely makes you interested. the car chase wasnt too bad.

Death Race 2
Death Race 2(2010)
½

greap prequel to the original remake, showing the origins of frenkenstein & how the race started, has a lot more in common with the 70's original with great little references & in jokes.good action scenes & quality movie line up.

Sucker Punch
Sucker Punch(2011)

entertaining fantasy action film, using someones imagination for over the top action set peices (much like the matrix used a computer program for crazy action)
Turn off your brain & watch steam powered german zombies , orcs, dragons & 30ft samurais with miniguns.
cool soundtrack too.

Tron Legacy
Tron Legacy(2010)
½

good, if not great sequel, to another good (if not great) film. like the 1st one, the visuals are amazing with a style all of their own. & an interesting storyline. recommened to all who enjoyed the 1st film.

71: Into The Fire

Great war movie, based on a true story.excellent battle scenes mixed with a good human feeling. keep watching as the credits roll to see interviews with survivors of the real thing.

Source Code
Source Code(2011)
½

average film & groundhog day but serious & less interesting I thought.creates to many questions & answers none of them.overlong even at 94mins. would have worked better as a1hr outer limits/twilight zone episode. & what kind of 1st name is "Colter"!

Battle: Los Angeles
½

good action war movie, but with aliens instead of Germans lol... good action & not as cheesy as independance day (though still has enough edam to enjoy).

The Meat Grinder
½

grizly (excellent effects) story of a disturbed woman, mentally & physically put through the grinder. this film shows the possible results.

Soylent Green

interesting dystopian future yarn, you probably all know the ending its famous for, still good if you like that kind of thing, if you dont know the ending add an extra star.

Resident Evil: Afterlife
½

loads of fun, went to see it in a 3D IMAX & was very entertaining. if you like the others, you'll like this, its more of the same.

Der Teufel kam aus Akasava (The Devil Came from Akasava)
½

usual dreamy bizare Jess Franco fare, an espianage mystery "thriller" if you like franco films you'll like this. just relax & let it all wash over you. & Soledad Miranda looks tasty as usual lol.

The Expendables

excellent old school action movie, with (almost) all your favorites, along with shooting,knives,martial arts, explosions & cheesy lines.
cant wait for a sequel.

Inception
Inception(2010)

interesting film, though either it has a LOT of plot holes or there deliberately put there to make you come to different conclusions. most people seem to have a different idea what happened in the film & that makes it interesting. though a little slow perhaps.

X-Men Origins - Wolverine

poor non-eventful cash in with atrocious CGI for the budget.if your watching this you probably know where wolverine got his adamantium claws from. not worth 101mins. watch the trailer instead.

Defiance
Defiance(2009)
½

interesting WW" drama wih a bit of action now & then. Daniel Craig needs to remember he has a Russian accent though, a few times he seems to forget lol.

Quel maledetto treno blindato (The Inglorious Bastards)
½

much better than the auful "re-make" by tarantino, an entertaining mix of kellys heros & the dirty dozen.

Inglourious Basterds

a total waste of 2.5hrs. boring boring boring. come back mr Tarantino when you can write an interesting script instead of inane ramblings & trying to base a film round it.
go watch the original inglorious bastards, its a entertaining mix of kellys heros & the dirty dozen.

Predators
Predators(2010)

good film, similar to the original. this is a sequel, not a reboot.

Bad Lieutenant

excellent sleazy movie,showing the downward spiral of a normal man, worn down by his lifes encounters.watch this before watching the disney-esque remake & compare them.Keitel is excellent in this film, if it was a studio film he'd have won an oscar.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
½

an ok film if taken on its own merit, though comparing to the origial bad lieutenant its like a disney verion with a terrible cop out happy ending that really robs the film of any respectability. it puts justification for almost all the "bad" things he does.

Hrafninn flýgur (Revenge of the Barbarians) (When the Raven Flies)

good viking film from iceland (who should know a thing or two about vikings lol) similar to a fist full of dollars, but a bit more clever & the settings seem quite authentic.

Pirates of the XXth Century

entertaining soviet film, a little like a 70's russian under seige. pirates raid a cargo ship & kill a lot of the staff, they fight their way off & to a island only to find the pirates there with the ship, they plan to re-take the ship from the pirates. plenty of fighting & shooting.

Platoon of the Dead

I love zombie flicks & this is shite, tried to be a bit different, but its blokes with a camcorder & a couple of toy guns.

The Unborn
The Unborn(2009)
½

decent horror with a few jumpy scares, rather predictable with a quite bizarre exorcism with gary oldman that seems tagged on as the writers didnt know how to finish it. dumb but a few good scares.

Automaton Transfusion

great considering the $30,000 budget (especially the effects) starts like the usual bumb teen movie, then gets pretty entertaining, let down by the ending (think matrix 2) feels like you only bought half a film.would have had a extra star if it ended properly.

Crank 2: High Voltage

even more bonkers,funny & action packed than the 1st one. if you have seen that you REALLY need to see this one too.

Zombie Strippers
½

suprisingly good film for a title like that. some good characters & little jokes & once youve seen the bit stripping at the start theres not a lot of that left & just gets down to the zombie action.

Doghouse
Doghouse(2009)
½

fun low budget zombie comedy from the director or evil aliens. the zombies have as much character as the survivors for once. Danny "cockney puchbag" Dyer & mates go to a village where the women outnumber the blokes for a have it away weekend, only to find a village of zombie women & no way out.

2012
2012(2009)
½

dont watch it for the story, or the acting,hopefully you just want to see the world end with some big waved & buildings falling over & explosions? well if you liked the flashy nonsense of independence day you'll probably like this one.
Just remember when the world ends, find John Cusack, even the forces of nature cannot stop him!

Tooth and Nail

good premise, let down by some poor writing for the frankly stupid main characters.if you like apocalypse movies try it, its low budget mind. the film would have 4 stars if the main survivors used their brain instead of waiting to die.

Dance of the Dead

entertaining zombie film, stereotypical range of characters, but decent effects (I like how the zombies "erupt" from the ground) & the bizarre rock & roll bit. doesnt abide by the George Romero rules mind, so if thats a problem, dont try it. (its more like return of the living dead 2)

Land of Doom
Land of Doom(1985)

average 80's mad max rip off, with the usual S&M wearing baddies on bikes, this one is filmed where the troglodites live, so interesting locations & the most bizarre last half hour with Jawas! & the music over the end fight scene is they type of thing you get when watching ceefax late at night years ago!

Trailer Park of Terror

reasonably entertaining twist on the 2000 maniacs theme, with trailer trach rock & roll zombies dealing out the painful deaths, some good deaths & the rock & roll zombie playing his songs is really good. based on a comic book I think.

Raiders of the Damned
½

poor zombie movie, with zombies who are more like diseased people as there still coheirent, let down by a bad script & people pretending to shoot guns (its far to clear they are pretending to shoot), oh & Richard Greico hamming it up,for a few quid (must have needed a new car or something)

The High and the Mighty
½

the original airplane disater movie (this is the one airplane REALLY pokes fun at, it even has Robert Stack as pilot).very cheesy now (as all of those airplane disaster movies are) but enjoyable (as they all are) plus John Waynes walk up the plane isle!

The Wolfman
The Wolfman(2010)
½

below par flick, kitch 30's werewolf effects (man in a mask) plenty of intestines, CG effects are passable, cinematography starts good, with dreamy effects but fades away to become run of the mill sci fi channel stuff. watch on tv if theres nothing else on & you like werewolf flicks only...

Daybreakers
Daybreakers(2010)

entertaining vampire movie, with a few interesting twists & turns. 10 years from now, everyone are vampires (pretty much the classical ones) they drive to work, drink coffee (with blood in) but there running out of human blood, what do they do? & what do the ew humans left in hiding do?

Sherlock Holmes
½

great sherlock holmes adventure, the holmes watson bater was entertaining & the victorian sets & CG looked great. mystery & action in this one. recommended.

Horrors of War
½

watched this under the title ZOMBIES OF WAR, not many zombies, but theres plenty of WW2 action & werewolves & crazy nazi scientists.

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior

awsome powerhouse of a movie, with a possibly the greatest 20 min carchase/shootout battle at the end...max is truely burnt out in this one.... & remember the action you see here is REAL. no CGI or post effects.

Red Cliff (Chi Bi)

a beautiful looking film, but VERY slow,showing the delicacies of anceint Chinese politics.the 2 battle scenes are great, but be warned this is a film in 2 parts & after your 2.5hrs stops abruptly before the battle of red cliff,making you feel quite cheated as I didnt know this was in 2 parts.Im a bit John Woo fan but this is a bit over indulgant & could do with some pruning to speed things along.

The Fourth Kind

interesting movie with fake footage, a disjointed mix of docudrama & "real" footage. would have been better if stuck with one or the other styles. as its a kids horror dont expect a great deal of scares except the odd jumpy one. an interesting premise that could have been told better.

Shaun of the Dead

rock on, a romantic comedy about zombies, by people who LOVE romero. zombie lovers & haters both love this movie, what bigger recomendation do you want?

Diary of the Dead

great low budget zombie flick from George A(im a zombie) Romero. I liked the use of modern gadgets like video cameras & you tube etc to retel an initial zombie outbreak. not his best but still very good.

The Beyond (...E tu vivrai nel terrore! L'aldilà)

an excellent modern (80's) gothic horror movie, its one of those rare movies that is spooky & gory. done by the italian meastro Luchio Fulchi & one of his best. Highly recommended.

Zombieland
Zombieland(2009)
½

It started out quite funny , the opening credits were really good & the explanation of the rules made me thing it might be the "the zombie survival guide" book (really good by the way) but quickly degenerated into boredom with not enough zombies & just not very funny, if it wasnt for Bill Murrey & Woody Harrelson & the kid falling of the bike id say not funny at all.
If you want to make a comedy zombie movie its not really that hard (I mean 1st of all, use the shambling zombies, there funny on their own. many hours have been spent with my friends watching the original dawn of the dead & laughing at the funny zombies in the background falling over & making funny noises)
This film just doesnt deliver & I seem to be the only person greatly disapointed by it.
Its just a bad film, using the current flavour of the year to try & sell it (seems to have worked) ZOMBIES.
after all, everyone knows you dont use the Z word in a zombie movie.
want a funny zombie movie for zombie fans & haters alike? see Shaun of the dead. something for everyone.

Gamer
Gamer(2009)
½

modern twist on the running man idea, with on line gaming mixed into it. liked the tea bagging lol.

Freakdog (Red Mist)

boring "patrick" rip off, anoying medical studens pick on a retarded lad & he end up in a come, med student give him experimental drug & he gets the power to possess people & get revenge, not as good as it sounds.

Silent Night, Bloody Night

good horror, a little different than expected definately worth a try

Zombie Town
Zombie Town(2006)
½

ace low budget zombie movie, a little like slithers. go watch it. its greeeaaaat

Devil Times Five (Peopletoys)
½

interesting film with some disturbing scenes worth a try id you like the unusual.

Dead Snow (Død snø)

awsome film, Imagine the evil dead in Norway, with the added bonus or reasonably likeable characters & Nazi's. I loved it. even has a few really funny bits too.

Gran Torino
Gran Torino(2009)

excellent, worth watching just for Clints Stare & growls alone (oh & the films good too)

Let the Right One In

charming story of a little boy & his vampire friend in early 80's Sweeden. very sedate pace & beautifully filmed, but thats how most european films are.

Transporter 3

poor sequel with badly sped up car chases & fight scenes. other other 2 are much MUCH better. even mr statham on a bmx cant save it.

The War of the Robots

incredibly naff 70's sci fi - I watched the english dubbed mervion & the dubbing is hillarious.so bad its good.

Terminator Salvation
½

really good action sci/fi film - the ending is a bit of a cop out & has some huge plot holes, but just enjoy the ride.

Star Trek
Star Trek(2009)

very good star trek prequel/reboot. suprisingly enjoyable for trekies & newbies alike. expect either a TV series or more movies.

The Signal
The Signal(2008)

excellent, end of the world anthology, 3short stories interwovan to tell the big story. a signal in radiio/tv drives people mad, but can some people control it, or are they just pretending?

Snowbeast
Snowbeast(1977)
½

boring TV movie about a yeti thing attacking a few people at a ski resort - kinda like a bad jaws set in a ski resort.

Horror Express

entertaining horror yarn with the awsome cushing/lee on screen whats not to like, bit scary in places still. I enjoyed it.

Glory Road
Glory Road(2006)

ok basketball movie with racial backdrop of the 60's america.

Taken
Taken(2009)

excellent action thriller(produced by Luc Besson so you know its good) with well filmed/choreographed fight scenes & a believable character who often uses his head over his heart. the kidnap scene is one of the best I have seen. Liam Neeson is excellent. go see!

Watchmen
Watchmen(2009)

interesting film with superheros without superpowers, long & meandering but thats do to it being a compic book series pushed into a film (I felt reading the comics in book form a similar experience) good, but not great. might be better with an old fashioned intermission (to stretch your legs & get a ice cream from the lady with the torch, remember those?)

The Lost Battalion

good WW1 movie - supposedly based on a true story. though from a non USA point of view I am a little sick of the impression only the USA did anything in europe in WW1 & 2 lol. dont let that put you off though, a good war movie. some dismemberment too.

Cyclops
Cyclops(2008)

average mix of low buget gladiator & cgi/stop motion stylee cyclops - plenty of blood in the deaths keep you interested enough fto finish watching...watch only if you like naff B sci-fi/fantasy/horror b movies.

Eden Lake
Eden Lake(2008)

the line , "If everyone said that, where would we be?" said by one of the victims is ironic, because this film shows where it ends, this is the nasty end of UK teenage culture. A very good, nasty horror movie. with a group of UK teenagers terrorising a couple. the most disturbing thing is this kind of thing REALLY happens

My Name Is Bruce

very funny, Bruce plays himself, but not really himself but a made up version (like in his hilarious book - make love! .. the bruce campbell way) a kid unwittingly unleashes the guarian of bean curd, being a huge fan of mr Campbell, he hunts him down & bruce, being told he has a birthday prezzie from his agent, thinks its a novel way of getting him into a film. he goes along with it & gets a warm welcome from the town, until he realises the chinese demon is real...& runs away...will Bruce step uo to the plate & save the town? very entertaining & for any Bruce Campbell fan, see how many in jokes you can find . very entertaining, anyone who loves schlock horror & comedy should give it a try...its Groovy!

Born for Hell

like last house on the left/dont travel on late night trains, only this is based on real events of Richard Speck- set in a very vicious 1960's belfast. gritty, nasty & disturbing. the version i watched was called the naked massacre.

The House By The Cemetery (Quella villa accanto al cimitero)
½

quality spooky/gory lucio fulci film.I love the music too.

Punisher: War Zone

excellent adaptation of the comic book character, grisly, nast violent,Ray Stevenson is excellent as the punisher. I loved it. & if your not too squeemish, you will too.

La Mansión de la niebla (Maniac Mansion) (Murder Mansion)

strangers stranded by fog in a mansion, but what are the secrets of it & the stranded guests? most people have a dark secret...

Hancock
Hancock(2008)

average film, superhero with a twist, nice effects & a taught 90 mins runing time means it does not outstay its welcome.

Scar
Scar(2007)

entertaining mixture of a stalk & slash movie & a saw/waz movie (much better than saw) the 3d effect was pretty cool too in the cinema. some grisley bits.

Death Race
Death Race(2008)

enjoyable remake or the original deathrace 2000 less humour & more racinbg & guns, the car chases could have been filmed much better to highlight stunts & speed, but hollywood don't seem to go for that since the mid 90's if you liked the last 20 mins of mad max 2 youll probably like this

[Rec]
[Rec](2007)

excellent "home camera" style film reporter for a late night tv show is with a fire brigade night shift, they go out to a call in a building & find a crazy woman who attacks someone, when trying to leave they find the building quarantined , trapped in the building with bloodthirsty crazy, can they survive & escape?

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End

very similar to the 1st one, good sequel, just as gory & has some cool deaths & jumpy bits, Henry Rollins is ace , hamming it up there.

Mirrors
Mirrors(2008)

starts great in a spooky abandoned department store where the mirrors show more than just the reflection, but later, especially with the scenes elsewhere in the main characters home, deteriorates. shame as it starts really good.

The Vanguard
The Vanguard(2008)

good low budget apocalyptic movie, using current political tones as the reason for all this (quite viable). also this is a 2008 movie , not 1984 very well filmed generally & edited, the main character max is a good character.

The Strangers

very suspenseful but its impossible to have that much suspense even for the short 80 mins without a let up, would have been much better as a outer limits/masters of horror episode for 48mins. "based" on a true story - though I've looked the details up & theres nothing on the internet on the HOYTS family & the date .

Tears of the Sun

good war movie - bruce willis & his conscience trys to escort refugees out of Nigeria away from the tutsis.

Hart's War
Hart's War(2002)

surprising WW2 POW race issue courtroom drama (surprising as how the hell did he manage to get all that in a film!)

RoboCop
RoboCop(1987)
½

excellent stuff.

The Killer
The Killer(1989)

awsome, cant rate it high enough.

Killing Zoe
Killing Zoe(1994)

I loved this film.

Koroshiya 1 (Ichi the Killer)

over rated, I found it a bit boring.

Gangs of New York

entertaining but long, its hard to be scared of blokes in handlebar moustaches, top hats & rubert bear trousers though, even when they are hacking up people with meat cleavers

Man Bites Dog

excellent black comedy about a documentory film crew who follow around a serial killer.

Enemy at the Gates

top quality sniper action.

Fargo
Fargo(1996)
½

dont know what all the fuss is about.

Assault on Precinct 13

new ones almost as good as the original, different spin makes this a worthwhile remake.

The Long Kiss Goodnight

worth watching if only for the BIG explosion at the end!

Long hu dou (The Chinese Boxer) (Hammer of the Gods)

entertaining kung-fu goodness from hong kong 70's where bad guys were judged by the length of their eyebrows & the good guys kicks were whip crack sound effects.

Tetsuo II: Body Hammer

basically a colour remake of the original tetsuo - very surreal movies.

Häxan (Häxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages) (The Witches)

quality silent movie/documentory about the origins of the supernatural & witchraft. the devil is very scary in this one.

Clerks
Clerks(1994)

quality film, the 2nd one is even funnier, highly recommended.

The Dark Knight
½

great superhero movie, the joker is always great (even ceaser romero was fantastic in the 60's!) 2.5hrs but never feels slow.uk version seems cut, so watch out for a uncut DVD in 6 months :-) (batman should lay off the tabs)

Wanted
Wanted(2008)

entertaining action from the director of the nightwatch movies - 1 dimensional characters (except for anton from the nightwatch movies) makes you not care who lives & dies, thankfully pretty much everyone dies. Angelina says less words than in this review!

Kidulthood
Kidulthood(2008)
½

good English film about child scum in the inner cities - scarier than a horror movie cos this stuff goes on now.

H.G. Wells' The Shape of Things to Come

this film is TERRIBLE, no story im still not sure what it was about, try the 1936 version, much more enlightening (never read the HG well story so cant comment on now close either are)

A Christmas Story
½

the best Christmas story ever told! I love this film, timeless.

They Came from Beyond Space

good outer spacey yarn - done by amicus I think.

The Crater Lake Monster
½

Afun monster movie, in the style of the 50's ones with a mixture of models & stop motion. nothing amazing but if you like that kind of stuff you would enjoy it. the comedy hicks are good who rent the boats out.

The Incredible Hulk

Ed Norton is excellent, unfortunately the film & hulk scenes are just a bit boring compared to his engrossing acting. some bad continuity (watch the chase scene in Brazil change from night , to day, to night again) does not help either. boor bad guy too. watch out for the good cameo's though.

The Happening

great idea, poorly ended - its as if the director could not think how to end it.

The Unknown
The Unknown(1927)

excellent tod browning movie with a very clever story of an man in a freak show pretending to be armless for the affections of a very young Jane Mansfield. he strangles her father & she sees it happen, but only from behind, the police don't suspect the armless man....

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
½

entertaining - the usual indy fare, Harrison ford looks VERY old at the start, yet by the end he looks 20 years younger, dont know if that was me getting used to him or the make up lady.

The Cottage
The Cottage(2008)

great comedy horror - in the style of severance - this is what the Texas chainsaw massacre would be like if set in England - gory,funny & scary in places.

Iron Man
Iron Man(2008)

great super hero movie, one of the better ones. can you spot Stan Lee?

Doomsday
Doomsday(2008)
½

Neil Marshall, in his 3rd film (dog soldiers & the Decent being the others) goes down hill I'm afraid. seems like he wanted to make a film with all his favourite scenes & ideas from others & does not quite pull it off. The main two influences are Escape from New York (for the most part of the film) & the great car chase at the end of mad max 2 (so much as to name 1 character(John) Carpenter & (George) Miller & other references. on their own the action scenes (& gory deaths) & post apocalyptic Scotland & the action scenes & car chases are entertaining, but where it falls down hard is the script, almost as if a 13 year old wrote it,putting all his favourite bits of other films into one film & disregarded how to make sense of the plot & how to get from one scene to another.

Anyone like me who has Enjoyed Mr Marshall's films previously, will enjoy spotting the actors from his previous movies & the subtle name references (such as Sterling for the lad who played Spoon in Dog soldiers etc)

It's a film I really want to like, but due to the bad story used to wedge the good action scenes, It leaves you feeling not quite satisfied.

Crank
Crank(2006)

excellent over the top action flick.

Clerks II
Clerks II(2006)

excellent, keving smiths best i think. - im taking porch monkey back!

Ultraviolet
Ultraviolet(2006)

entertaining bonkers sci-fi action film. wild & wacky

Hard Candy
Hard Candy(2006)

good & disturbing film, bit scary.

Day of the Dead

nothing to do with the original or a sequel to the dawn of the dead remake, watch out for the random superhuman zombies who act like spiderman for no reason at all, it really spoils the film.

Day of the Dead 2: Contagium
½

nothing to do with day of the dead, zombies in a old folks home.

Night of the Comet

cool "girlie" i am legend/zombie movie, girls survive haleys comet turning everyone who sees it to dust or zombies & go on a shopping spree, only to be stopped by evil scientists & zombies, will they get that nice pair of shoes, or will they die?

The Quiet Earth
½

interesting Australian last man on earth movie.

The Omega Man
½

great alternate telling of the novel "I am legend" similar & charlton heston is great, adding some action hero to the story.

The Last Man on Earth

possibly the best version of "I am Legend" vincent price is excellent, dont let the fact its old & B&W put you off.

I Am Legend
I Am Legend(2007)

will smith at his worst, wanders around Manhattan in a daze, occasionally after 30 mins bumping into computer graphic men thingies that act like zombie spiderman. nothing like the book (even manages a happy ending somehow!) or even previous movies like the omega man or the last man on earth, you want a film of the great book, see the latter 2 movies. this is like watching a playstation 2 game (all computer graphics & unrealistic at that)

Son of Rambow

aswome film of childhood fantasies of film making & imagination funny & touching, excellent acting, this will be considered a classic in 10 years. go see it!

Fahrenheit 451
½

a great film where firemen start fires to burn books, to stop the public thinking "bad thoughts"

La Figlia di Frankenstein (Lady Frankenstein)(Daughter of Frankenstein)

interesting take on the Frankenstein story though any lass who wants my brain , but in a hunky mutes body i gotta question!

Rambo (Rambo IV)

awsome action/war movie old school violent & realistic - go see it!
WAR - its FAAAAANTASTIC! (on a cinema screen)

Turistas (Paradise Lost)

a truly stupid film - given 1 star due to the grisly deaths in the uncut version & the bikini's in the 1st 30 mins. & pretty underwater locations - watch out for the magic torches people seem to pull out of their arses! & the very old stupid teenagers in their 30's

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (AVP 2)

a decent film with plenty of action which follows on from the cheesy ending of the 1st one,but due to either it being badly written or edited, is a bit of a muddled mess. theres only 1 predator mind, but he is the chuck norris of predators lol. watch for the alien/aliens/predator references in the film.

Wild Wild World of Batwoman

great movie wit the evil rat phink , stealing an atomic hearing aid , so he can listen in on everyone's phone calls, only batwoman & bevy of batgirls can stop him & his evil scientist (who insists of giving people ecstasy to make then jive!)

The Fourth Protocol

great cold war thriller, with loads of double crossing & espionage.

The Mad
The Mad(2007)

infected beef turns diners at a restaurant into zombies - tongue in cheek shenanigans ensure with Billy Zane "Haming" it up - watch out for the killer beef pattie attacking someone!

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker
½

Mickey rooney is "Joe Petto" get it? a toymaker who wanted the perfect son it seems. more twists & turns than youd expect from something like this.

Amateur Porn Star Killer

It does feel awkward as intended & unsettling, but the overemphasis on "amateur" camerwork (why does it change to a different camera half way it its meant to be believable) should have been about a hour long. though it is pretty disturbing the 1st guinea pig movie was more so & only 45 mins long.

Lady Terminator
½

a malasian rip off of the terminator - but with a sexy bird who rips blokes thingys off with her fanny while shagging - ok dont sound like the terminator, but the "tech-noir scene is exatly the same - down to the "come with me if you want to live" line) & the police station scene. its a riot & look out for "snake"

The Alamo
The Alamo(2004)

Dennis Quaid rides in & twats those dastardly Mexicans who killed Davy Crockett at the Alamo at the end! Americans need to learn sometimes they loose sometimes instead of changing history so they win (they did that with Pearl Harbour & anything mentioning Vietnam) Liked Billy Bob's Speech though. - also the British captured the enigma machine in the 2nd world war, not the Americans according to their movie U-571 lol - sorry this stuff bugs the rest of the world.lol.

Dragon Wars
Dragon Wars(2007)

like the crap transformers movie , but with dragons & better CGI (ie no plot,stupid people - just a bit better film overall, for a fraction of the budget at least you could see what was going on - the transformers one was like looking at a junk yard for the 20 mins they were on the screen) the birds not as fit as the transformers movie though & her teeth arnt as white (maybe thats where the transformers budget went on - the teeth, I hear the fake teeth are really expensive)

Near Dark
Near Dark(1987)

possibly the best movie ever made

Ofelas (Pathfinder)
½

quality movie from lapland - a teenager is forced to show a evil group where the next village is to destroy them, he uses his knowledge of the land to kill them off on icy rivers & raggy cliffs.

Pathfinder
Pathfinder(2007)
½

entertaining "hollywood" version of the 1987 lapland original. the extended version has quite a few grisly bits in it :-)

30 Days of Night

30 days of shite more like, vampires invade an isolated town where it stays dark for a month, sounds good but somehow the film makers managed to make it so boring my girl fell asleep twice during it - a few people hide in a loft for the duration of that time, only to randomly wander out in the street to get killed by the vampires. a few nice axe decapitation's give it half a star. AVOID

Dagon
Dagon(2001)
½

another H P lovecraft story, with tenticles & scary stuff, pacey & entertaining from the producer of re-animator

Pulse
Pulse(1988)

interesting horror where electricty is the baddy, but its not, as the movie imply's its something controling the electricty..

Zabriskie Point

this is why stoners shouldnt make movies the film, makes no sense,people run about a college for 30mins, then some kid steals a plane (god knows how he knows how to start it,let alone fly it)lands it in the desert, gets a ride from a random stranger,who they then proceed to run about rolling in the dust at zabriskie point for a hour before he flys home again, the random stranger then goes to a house, which she leaves & then for no reason at all, the house explodes & we then get to see things explode in slow motion for 10 mins before it finishes. it really is THAT bad - gets half a star for the house exploding at the end.one of the worst movies I have ever seen. god knows why everyone loves it

Raped by an Angel

billed in the UK as a follow up to naked killer its not, its a strange mix of comedy & rape like only the chinese/japanese can do.

The Green Slime
½

godzilla stylee movie

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama

I really like this movie (aka the imp in the uk) some sorority chicks & some dudes go to a bowling ally in the middle of the night & run into an evil im in a bowling trophy

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

strange arty movie with a bed that eats things & a dead bloke trapped behind a painting. tis a very nice bed though.

Beat Street
Beat Street(1984)

THE hip hop movie, even now it's cool & the sight of the bronx when it WAS rough, looks like stalingrad! some of the breakin in it's awsome

Black Sheep
Black Sheep(2006)

It's ace, if you liked Peter Jackson's Braindead or Bad Taste, try it, its quirky humour, & effects (grisly in places for 15 rated movie) are great. baaaaa

Planet Terror (Grindhouse Presents: Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror)

I saw the unrated version & was very entertaining, much more like a grindhouse movie (with a big budget) than DeathProof lots of gore too & over the top stuff. enjoy it.

Death Proof
Death Proof(2007)

the unrated version I saw was entertaining, but seemed like 2 50 min films about the kurt russell character tagged togeather. not a lot of action, but what there is , is very horrific.

Resident Evil: Extinction

Entertaining, if you liked the others, try this one, though I really dont think this is the "final one" zombies, end of the world scenario, kung fu - what more do you want for 90 mins :-)

Halloween
Halloween(2007)

starts interesting showing Michael as a kid, then hurry's through a 50 min remake of the original, word for word, then tags on incredibly boring & dumb 15 min ending - it was so boring i forgot what happens at the end & I watched it last night. stick to the original, its SUSPENSEFUL this one trys & fails on that mark. the best thing is spotting the B movie cameo's there must be 15 in here!

Shoot 'Em Up
Shoot 'Em Up(2007)

excellent - a mixture of comedy over the top action (like crank) & john woo's bullet ballet "hard boiled" gets straight into the action. enjoy!

Run Fatboy Run

poor story & blandly directed - good comedy performances by Pegg & Moran & the Asian landlord save the movie. you'll still laugh, just not as much as you hoped to.

White Oleander

good drama of a adolescent kid who's mam gets locked up & her tribulations as she becomes an adult, like a tame version of asia argentos "the heart is deceitful above all things"

Boa vs. Python
½

you know if you wanna see this by the title lol. its tongue in cheek so don't worry, also has hunky blokes & naked sexy birds too & guns & bad cgi.

The Zombie Diaries

good creepy zombie movie, done as a number of video diaries, that tie in together at the end. a few jumpy & disturbing bits, a nice low budget English movie - Im a zombie nut &theres some TERRIBLE zombie movies - this is NOT one of them. if your not a zombie nut, take a star off.

The Bride With White Hair

haunting chinese period love story with good swordplay & martial arts

The Lair of the White Worm

quality crazy ken russell movie, based very loosely round the ledgend of the lampton worm, but set in ireland & its now the "damptom" worm (ie dragon)

White Nights
White Nights(1985)

a dancing escape movie - i quite liked it, very 80's i bet looking back on it, with a good theme song by phil colins.

White Noise 2
½

different to the 1st one - but has a better story, I think the scary ghosts were a bit of an afterthought though..

Right at Your Door

this was originally a outer limits episode i think, hence being a bit long & drawn out (even at 90 mins) for the twist ending....dumb unlikeable characters don't help the matter.

Vampire Clan
Vampire Clan(2002)

based on a true story about some dumb 18yr old goths who think their vampires - run away from home & steal a car & kill 2 people. there you go, no need to waste 90 mins now...no vampires in it & the goth chicks arnt even that hot :-(

The Bourne Ultimatum

poor sequel, spoilt by the current fad for zooming in too close for fight scenes & camera work by a epileptic 5 year old which means its so bad it gets rated a kids movie. stick with the 1st 2...much better.

Altered
Altered(2006)

best film I've seen this year, rednecks who were abducted by aliens as kids keep going back to where it happened, drunk & with shotguns one night they catch an alien - the story is what happens next - excellent movie, fast paced reasonably intelligent & has you wondering whats going to happen next. see it!

Slaughter Night

teenagers go down a mine, play with a ouija board & old evil ghost posses them & kills them - but kill the possessed person - the ghost escapes & possesses another! very slow for the 1st 45mins, but then its good - some nice effects too & the mine settings interesting.

Night of the Lepus

fun killer giant rabbits movie (yes i said killer giant rabbits) from that description you know if you wanna see it or not & if you do, you'll have fun.

Transformers
Transformers(2007)

A travesty, nothing like REAL transformers - the action scenes are so close up (a recent trend) & the robots all look like random junk from the scrap heap its hard to work out what's going on. over-long (140 mins, 90 would have still been too long really) the transformers now transform into random different things (megatron is a plane instead of a gun, bumblebee is a camero , not a beattle, jaz isnt a porche, r i know, but hey, its like turning godzilla into a giant rabbit instead isnt it!) the effects arnt very impressive in this day & age id expect this from a TV series, you know Michael Bay makes some good films (Armageddon) & bad (Pearl Harbour) cheesy with slo mo, but pretty with his own re-used music in every movie - there's a very fine line between them, this is BAD. i wanted to walk out, i had to go watch original transformers the movie afterwards to expell the memory

The Transformers - The Movie

very cool, with a host of stars voices, if you want a transformers movie thats ANYTHING like the cartoons of the 80's watch this, & miss the 2007 Michael bay travisty

Premonition
Premonition(2007)

bit like the butterfly effect for a week, confusing but meant to be as shown from sandra bullocks point of view , but still rather predictable. ok but not great.

Hot Fuzz
Hot Fuzz(2007)
½

unfortunately no where near as good as shaun of the dead entertaining still, though not so many jokes work, good job the endings good & you come away happy.

Narok (Hell)
Narok (Hell)(2005)

slow & with a number of unlikable characters - a nuber of people have a car accident & on life support, but still whisked off to hell, if you die in real life , it seems you escape hell though? yeah doesn't make a lot of sense to me either, though Thai religion im sure is very different to Christianity. interesting but too flawed

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

good film, if you've seen the others, there all pretty much the same, good family entertainment.

La morte negli occhi del gatto (Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eye)
½

a Italian Giallo set in a Scottish castle, who's killing who? but people usually die when that bloody moggys about.

Freaked
Freaked(1993)

one of the greatest comedys of all time. everything about its great. you MUST SEE IT

The Day the Earth Caught Fire

awsome 50's end of the world movie with some cool effects & good acting. nuclear bomb testing on either sides of the world throw the earth of its axis & a little to close to the sun.

The Crawling Eye (The Trollenberg Terror)

quality 50's SCI-FI horror if you like those movies, check it out.

Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane (Plane Dead)
½

snakes on a plane with zombies instead of the snakes. its ace & silly. if you like airplane disaster movies, or zombies, watch it. if you like both. DEFINITELY watch it :-)

Next
Next(2007)

the concept of someone who can see 2mins into his futures good, but the story about nuclear bombs & evil french people kidnapping his shag is never explained. some of the biggest plotholes ever seen stop this getting more stars. but some very good bits.

Hostel Part II

basically a remake of the 1st one, with just as bad effects, just as un- linkable characters & just as much boredom, the funny ending at least leaves you thinking it wasn't so bad.

Rest Stop
Rest Stop(2006)

worst movie I ever saw, not one likeable character, stupid choices, & what was with the ending & people disappearing? made no sense.. terrible, dont wast your time.

The Astro-Zombies

john caridine make automen to pilot ships on long distance space journeys - & they work of batterys, but have a habit of killing people....ohhh wach out!

Yogen (Premonition)
½

a ghostly newspaper clipping foretelling the future, do you change it or leave it? or go mad?

Cheerleader Ninjas

yes , its as funny as youd think - the geeks all wear star trek tops & get klingons on the starboard bow lol.

Wilderness
Wilderness(2006)

awsome brit flick thriller/horror, with borstal kids being taught a lesson team building on a deserted army island....are they alone?

Infection (Kansen)

come inside the worlds worst hospital as an infection passes around & people loose their minds. muddled & a poor ending spoils this movie, i thought it was a zombie flick looking at the trailer, its not.

The Hills Have Eyes 2

entertaining & gory sequel - this isnt a remake of hills have eyes 2 thankfully, turn off your brain & enjoy the jumps & gory bits.

Sunshine
Sunshine(2007)

gets 1 star for the pretty sun effects, the story is slow & incredibly stupid, might have made a decent 45 min outer limits episode, not a 2hr borathon. AVOID

Christina, princesse de l'érotisme(Christine, Princess of Eroticism)(A Virgin Among the Living Dead)

a interesting dreamy movie (like most of Jess Franco's movies) the version i saw didnt have a lot of gory bits or sex in them (he dies so many fersions of his movies it gets confusing - like his movies! lol) a young girl goes to stay at her uncles castle woho shes never met, but are the guests who they seem to be?

Night of the Zombies (Battalion of the Living Dead)(Gamma 693)(The Chilling)(Sister of Death)
½

not a bad little movie, with porn star Jamie Gillis using a different "weapon" in this movie, as he tackles reanimated WW2 soldiers in bavarian mountains

Batoru garu (Battle Girl) (Living Dead in Tokyo Bay)

bizarre japaneese movie, thats got a lass in a battle suit twatting zombies to find her dad, not as good as it sounds & very cheap..but ok though.

Zombie Genocide: Legion of the Damned

an EXTREMELY low budget movie (possibly a student film) decent acted & story was ok & wasnt too long. i really enjoyed it. well done the dudes who made it (its Irish, all Irish zombie movies are good)

Live Free or Die Hard

loads of fun action movie. if you like die hard movies & bruce willis twating people & cool stunts/effects see it!

Zombie Beach Party (Enter... Zombie King!)

crazy mexican masked wrestling zombie movie shot in canada... you know if you'll like it by that description or not....watch out for French Vixen lol.

Vacancy
Vacancy(2007)

decent movie, short but still overlong, it takes 30-40 mins to get to where the 2min advert finishes...sensible thriller.

Dead Meat
Dead Meat(2004)

another quality Irish zombie movie (the curling fella is great, fecking this & fecking that) its like father ted with zombie cows! see it!

House of the Dead 2
½

very stupid film, makes the 1st one look very good.lol.

Zombie vs. Ninja (Zodiac America: The Super Master)(Zombie Revival: Ninja Master)(Zombie Rivals)

you can tell the ninjas , as the have "ninja" written on their headbands lol

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny

fun if you like the tenacious D album, but not great, you'll have a good few chuckles in the 90 mins its on, watch after the credits for a funny extra bit :-)

Morons from Outer Space

i like the sneezing in the space suit scene

Teenagers from Outer Space

old teenagers! the aliens are wooden (deliberately) & night of the living dead stole its soundtrack lol. watch out for the torch that turns you into a skeleton & the giant scary lobster shadow!

Impulse
Impulse(1984)
½

town goes crazy after a toxic leak (i think, it was 20 years since i saw it lol) some nast violence & meg tilly humping (always worth an extra star lol)

The Crazies
The Crazies(1973)

very cool, army gas turns people crazy in pitsburgh , in comes the army in boiler suits & gas masks to take care of the infected, with 1 man immune, can he save his friends & get them to safety? will they go crazy & kill/shag? or will they get killed by the army? watch it & see.

Devil Girl from Mars

remember, when Martians invade, its nothing a nice cup of tea wont fix.A Martianl woman comes to earth for a willing male to impregnate a planet of stern yet sexy female Martians... & the British resist & drink tea.

Second in Command

quality action/war movie, best van damme movie for 10 years, even has some twists in the story. see it, its good.

Day Watch
Day Watch(2007)
½

2nd of the nightwatch movies, very good, with the usual very cool effects & interesting story.

The Hitcher
The Hitcher(2007)
½

nothing new compared to the original, quite poor, Sean Bean is pretty good, if you havent seen the original, add a star... or ideally, see the original.

The Hitcher 2 - I've Been Waiting
½

surprisingly good movie, with good twists & turns worth watching, Jake busey is suitably psychotic lol.

The Hitcher
The Hitcher(1986)

very cool movie, Rutger Hauer is the man here. awsome stuff. see it.

Ghost Rider
Ghost Rider(2007)

yup, bad as I feared, looks like a man with a CGI skull, the best pits are where hes riding his bike (which isn't a great recommendation) go read the comic book, its better.

Severance
Severance(2006)
½

like hostel, but better & funnier (though the condom eye in hostel was damn funny lol)

Pirates
Pirates(1986)

a proper pirate movie! & very funny. Yarr!

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

very slow & too long, not as good as the 1st, though there are some good bits, i found myself dozing on the Sunday afternoon we watched it.

M
M(1931)

interesting film, though in some parts overlong. a very interesting snapshot of the times, especially the "beggars union"

Magicians
Magicians(2007)

a good old English comedy, from the peep show people. loadsa Jizz :-)

28 Days Later

the return of zombies (well kinda) English style - a proper dawn of the dead homage (see how many scenes you can spot that's lifted from the original) avoid the sequel, It's Dumb

28 Weeks Later...

dont watch this movie, its TERRIBLE,boring stupid & on a whole non suspenseful or action packed (except the helicopter scene) I love the 1st one, but this was written by an idiot.

Combat Shock (Fuerza en combate)
½

incredibly disturbing horror of a Vietnam vet with post traumatic stress

Dementia 13
Dementia 13(1963)
½

francis ford coppola's ahead of its time mystery horror, quite creepy in places & keeps you guessing.

The Reaping
The Reaping(2007)
½

mix the omen with stigmata & you kinda got this movie, of biblical plagues. always good fun those things. if you like the sound of it, you'll probably enjoy it,

Straightheads (Closure)

good thriller of how man & woman meet, fall for each other, have an accident & are attacked & see what happens to their lives after...good english thriller

The Breed
The Breed(2006)
½

think deep blue see with dogs & your there, 5 "teenagers" (seemed to be about 33 to me) go to a island, on a house to party & cute doggys trap & kill them.

Spider-Man 3
Spider-Man 3(2007)

long (2.5 hrs) but genuinely full of action, comedy & story - not a lot you could cut out, but if you got small kids, they will struggle to sit through it.

Snuff-Movie (Man with a Movie Camera)

quite clever in places, obviously very low budget. not as gory or as shocking as you'd think, but for an extremely low budget movie, plenty of twists turns, odd bit of gore & sex to keep you interested.

The Amityville Horror
½

original, based on the book, its spooky & not too in your face.

Amityville: The Demon

the 3rd one, (& last to be set in the actual house) pretty bad, dunno what its like in 3d though.

Amityville Dollhouse: Evil Never Dies

someone mades a dolls house in the shape of the spooky house & guess what? it is just as possessed & spooky..not bad

Amityville 1992: It's About Time

possessed clock makes people die/get possessed etc....weird time travelling going on too thats a bit confusing.

Amityville: A New Generation

not bad, spooky mirror makes people die in a loft...

Amityville II: The Possession

shit scary movie! the best one... based loosely on real events

The Amityville Curse

another house in the area has spooky goings on....

300
300(2007)

very.....RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

Heartstopper
Heartstopper(2006)

top slasher movie, tiny bit like halloween 2 - some good gore & sensible characters for once! enjoy it!

Casino Royale

worst bond movie ever - 1 hour of top poker action (like watching channel 4) no action scenes except for free running scene at the start.

See No Evil
See No Evil(2006)

if it wasnt written by an idiot this might have been good - some nice gore but come on, male & female teen convicts, let out in their civvies to do community service overnight in a old abandoned hotel, with only a one armed prison guard with a pistol? i dont think so.

Outlaw
Outlaw(2007)

good drama with vigilantes after some gangsters but with their own screwed up issues, not a lot of violence, but what there is is VERY violent (i was wincing in the cinema, not something that happens often) Sean Beans great as usual.

Azumi 2: Death or Love

not as good as the 1st, still entertaining, with good fight scenes.worth watching.

Azumi
Azumi(2003)
½

Awesome movie with great fight scenes & some characters you care about. the finale is awsome - azumi vs 400 warriors. enjoy!

Hood of the Living Dead

pretty good zombie movie that gives its own rules & a interesting setting of south central LA (giving a good reason why no one notices the few zombies killing people & the people trying to kill the zombies before word gets out about their creations.

Children of the Living Dead

Produced by John Russo (the other half of night of the living dead) this is a semi official sequel to the original night, with Tom Savini enjoying himself shooting zomies, starts off great, but degenerates like the zombies on screen.

The Number 23
½

poor, usual crazy person movie . with some ropey holes in the story. but hey, everyone else seems to like it so don't listen to me!.

DOA: Dead or Alive

as video game movies go, its there with Super Mario Brothers & Street Fighter - very little to do with the game, except some of the characters & fighting. even the fighting & eye candy gets boring very quickly. I found the deleted scenes were funnier than the movie so maybe it was bad directing. looks like Charlies angels, but this isnt very funny or entertaining.

Dead or Alive: Hanzaisha

cool VERY crazy movie, worth watching just for the end, its the wildest thing I've EVER seen!

Pot Zombies
Pot Zombies(2006)

A truly terrible movie thankfully under a hour long, the CGI eyes & cop car flashy lights are hilarious.

Seven (Se7en)

boring, i fell asleep in the cinema...

Halloween: Resurrection
½

the reality tv/live over the net thing was cool, but then, im a big Halloween fan.

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

very good, long but doesn't seem long, good feeling of life on a ship.

Commando
Commando(1985)
½

Let off some Steam Bennett !

Deep Blue Sea

the sharks are ace...

Superman Returns
½

ok, but if your a kid, dont see it, its 2 & a half hors long, & s-l-o-w...... watch the original superman from the 80's its better - even if the effects are a bit ropy at times.

Ozone
Ozone(1993)
½

little low buget zombie movie with good effects for the buget & date.

The Young Americans
½

top quality danny boyle gangster movie, showing how the UK really does do what the USA want...even down to drugs & gangsters.

The Woodsman
The Woodsman(2004)

excellent story of a pedophile released from prison trying to fit into real life & deal with the urges he knows are wrong & the family,friends,work colleagues & police treat him.

Vampires vs. Zombies

gets an extra star for an interesting story & a character called "the general" in it, hes ace.

A Scanner Darkly

i don't get it, its just a stoner movie - random people get stoned, get paranoid & cant remember stuff, just dressed up with some felt tip pens on the film cells. watch a good stoner movie like clerks & clerks 2.this does'nt have any real story

The Dark
The Dark(2004)
½

cool little ghost story, with a few twists & turns.

The Host
The Host(2007)

very cool anti america monster movie with crazy korean comedy bits thrown in, as a family hunt a giant mutant fish monster terrorising the Han river in South Korea after they find their neice is still alive but the governemnt of Korea & the USA are covering stuff up, great effects (mainly). if you can handle subtitles (& if you cant, learn to read) WATCH IT

Pan's Labyrinth

this ISNT a horror movie, its a childs fairytale with the of bit of violence.a nice little story.

Satan's Little Helper
½

this films ace, really humerous, a kid "helps" a serial killer on halloween kill people, thinking its all pretend. & his halloween masks really scary & funny (if that makes sence)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

the unrated versions good(surprisingly), some nasty bits in that one, dunno if the censored one would be as good though.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

they charge an arm & a leg...lol fun i thought.

Snakes on a Plane

lotsa fun & more sensible than i thought it would be, but still silly & funny & jumpy in places.

The Return
The Return(2006)

this isnt a horror movie - its a murder mystery where the lead character gets flashbacks of the murdered person & tried to make sence of it all (bit like gothika but without the supernatural stuff) its not nery good as its easy to work out mid way through the movie, & a bit boring. rated 15 only because of swearing. - AVOID IT.

Godzilla: Final Wars

this is the greatest movie I've EVER seen its awsome & got everytihng - Monsters,martial arts, comedy, great effects(mixed with the classic guys in uniforms & models) & Captain Gordon!

Day of the Dead

very cool zombie movie & with great effects

Rocky V
Rocky V(1990)

MY RINGS OUTSSIDE TOMMY

Rocky IV
Rocky IV(1985)

I MUST BREAK YOU

Predator
Predator(1987)

Big Arn in the jungle "GET TO THE CHOPPER!!!"

La Femme Nikita (Nikita)

awsome, 100% better than the crap american remake "the asassin"

Rocky II
Rocky II(1979)

cant beat a bit of rocky

Rocky III
Rocky III(1982)

I PITTY THE FOOL WHO DONT LIKE ROCKY MOVIES

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

not as good as the 1st one, but still EXCELLENT!!

Oldboy
Oldboy(2005)

awsome, interesting, shocking.

Apocalypto
Apocalypto(2006)

this is a rather boring movie where theres some walking for the 1st hour, then the star runs away from 5 blokes for another hour, while they get attacked by jaguars/bees/snakes etc.. there you go ive saved you 2.5 hours of sitting in a cinema. say thank you!

Napoleon Dynamite

I cought you a delicious Bass

Rocky Balboa
Rocky Balboa(2006)

very good film, possibly the best, similar to the 1st one, more character driven.

The Golem (Der Golem, wie er in die Welt kam)

its based on a jewish tale i think, about a clay golem, brought to life to scare a emporor to not kill the jews in the ghetto, but then a helous bloke finds his bids been fooling about & tells the golem to get revenge, cool sets(im presuming a lof of the places were real places?) though the version i saw had a 5 min loop of the music from mad max!

Bride of the Monster

what the hell was all that about? lol, just WHO or WHAT was the monster?

Derailed
Derailed(2002)
½

the train really looks like a thomas the tank engine model, hehe & hes got a big bump on his head all the way through. some squelchy breaks, pure cheesy fun.

American Ninja

this was great when i was a teenager in the 80's dunno if it would be so good now, maybe i should check it out again, the best american ninja movie i saw..

Mission: Impossible III

this movie isnt even good enough to suck my balls.

Pulse
Pulse(2006)

well, at least the ameican remake gives you a reason whats going on, spooky in places.

Corky Romano
Corky Romano(2001)

this movie is hillarious

Field of Dreams

IF YOU BUILD IT THEY WILL COME

Eraser
Eraser(1996)

YOUR IN AN EXTREMELY HIGH RISK SITUATION.....THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN EXPLAINED TO YOU

True Lies
True Lies(1994)
½

awsome, the UK versions cut....

Sahara
Sahara(2005)

sucks monkey ass.....

One Hour Photo
½

creepy & sweet (if thats possible)

Stay Alive
Stay Alive(2006)
½

watch out for malcolm in the middle, a fun teeny horror.

Natural Born Killers

hmmm, sometimes this movies awsome, sometimes its a bit boring... the directors cuts got some juicy extra bits...

The Haunting
The Haunting(1999)
½

again, the original is MUCH better...

Joe Dirt
Joe Dirt(2001)

its REALLY funny...

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

I think its great fun. " MORTAL KOMBAAAAT!"

Airheads
Airheads(1994)

this movie ROCK!

Darkness Falls
½

watch out for the tooth fairy, shes SCARY!

Police Academy

the original & still the best.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

cant beat a national lampoons vacation movie :-)

Judge Dredd
Judge Dredd(1995)

I AM THE LAUUUUUUUW

The Crow
The Crow(1994)

one of the greates movies ever.

Lethal Weapon 4

the unuct US version is a lot better than the UK one (heavelly censored)

The Fog
The Fog(2005)

truly terrible, see the original.

Beverly Hills Cop II

the sensorded tv version is funnier, with the swearing taken out.. give it a extra star if it was that version.

Returner
Returner(2002)

awsome, watch the subtitled version though

Scream for Help

top thriller with a lot of twists & turns, directed by michael winner.

Just Before Dawn

quality movie, stalk & slask, but differnt enough, with a genuine ending youd go "whoo, didnt expect that" even though ive told you still lol.

Critters 4: They're Invading Your Space

the cheese has kinda gone off by now...

Critters 3
Critters 3(1991)
½

still loadsa fun, pure cheese.

Captain Ron
Captain Ron(1992)

yarrr, captain ron be fun for the whole family & kurt russell gets to use his old Snake Plisken eyepatch once more..

Mallrats
Mallrats(1995)

fun, but nor Kevin Smiths best (thats Clerks 2)
loved the fella looking http://www.flixster.com/static/images/bt_saved.gif
http://www.flixster.com/static/images/bt_saved.gifat the magic eye picture.

Saw III
Saw III(2006)

this film is TERRIBLE no likeable characters (or even interesting ones) the storys of people passing out in the cinema are true, THERE FALLING ASLEEP! (my girlfriend & I nearly fell asleep) the worst movie I've seen this year.

Death Race 2000

stallones best movie

Better Off Dead

this is possibly my favorite all time comedy.

The Fog
The Fog(1979)

dont watch the remake lol

Dawn of the Dead

mmm possibly better than the ace original

Fight Club
Fight Club(1999)
½

gotta watch it at least twice....i should watch it again...havent seen it for years..

R-Point
R-Point(2005)

good movie, not as scary as the trailers make it out, more a nam movie with supernatural overtones, slow, as the koreans always are though, if you like name/korean/ghost movies, try it, youll enjoy it.

The Man Who Knew Too Much

very good - the scene in the albert hall is a masterpiece , worth watching for that alone.... has the oldest looking child i ever did see

The 39 Steps
The 39 Steps(1935)

a cracking movie with some wonderful scenes

Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance

very slow (even for a korean movie) but good, sympathy for lady vengeance & old boy are better, watch those instead.

Domino
Domino(2005)

what a mess this is, its like 130 min montage with very little story & no likeable characters.... a self indulgent abomination by Tony Scott.

Wings
Wings(1927)

I loved this old silent movie, was quite surreal in places (when people are drunk theres bubbles flating about) & had really good effects..

Iron Eagle
Iron Eagle(1986)

yeah its dumb matcho crap, but i liked it better than top gun, maybe i liked the cool music better, the sequels ive seen were total poop though

Stealth
Stealth(2005)

a VERY dumb american movie...looks pretty tho with the flying bits & explosions, though i dont think a real plane flew in the movie, it looks like a video game

Terminator 3 - Rise of the Machines

quality action movie with some awsome set pieces, but surely it woulda been easier to send all these terminators at the same time (ie no 1) & give michael Biehn a good hiding & get it all over.....ohh the dumb robots...

The Terminator

the best one, with the best story.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

quaility big budget actioner (tho hardly anyone dies)

Ninja Terminator
½

damn those richard harrison ninja movies!

Mad Max
Mad Max(1979)

creacking movie, the goose is great too lol...watch out for the dodgy american version with mels voice dubbed by an american!

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

tis ok, but the kids are anoying, thry the 1st 2.

Zombie 4 - After Death

only seen a italian TV version of this (in italian so didnt have a clue what they were saying) but still enjoyed it, aparently very gory in its uncut version

Zombie Holocaust

zombies & cannibals in one movie....bargin!

Bio Zombie
Bio Zombie(1998)
½

crazy hong kong zombie goodness, very tongue in cheek, enjoy!

Zombi 2
Zombi 2(1980)

a true classic , very gory, cheesy acting, the legendary lucio fulci "zooms" worth seeing for the awsome underwater zombie vs what looks like a REAL shark!

Zombie Honeymoon

a love story , with zombies....awww pretty ok, or maybe im just swayed cos theres zombies in it.

Ninja III: The Domination

i only remember this being pretty bad except for the exorcism to get the evil ninja out of the tasty lasses body (& the lasses tasty body)

The Devil's Rejects
½

gritty & nasty (i saw 3 people walk out of the cinema when i saw it) has the world record for the most "fuck's" per minute too! in the style of those crazy & deranged movies from the 70's

Along Came a Spider

a competent thriller, i enjoyed it - with the same charcter from "kiss the girls" if you liked that one, you'll like this one.

The Violent Professionals

a competent 70's italian gangster flick, with that cool/cheesy italian style. you know wether you'll enjoy this or not from the desription ive given you..

Pulse (Kairo)

not scary & slow & made no sence.....if the original is this bad, god help the american remake, there never as good as the originals anyway....

Boogeyman
Boogeyman(2005)
½

its scary like the cool jap movies, but different enough to be its own movie. cracking start.

The Amityville Horror
½

the originals pretty spooky & believable, this ones way over the top with zombies in cupboards & all sortsa crazy stuff. still scary in a jumpy way. the 2nd one amityville 2 : the possession is the best tho.

The Exorcist
The Exorcist(1973)

quality scary goodness (can also be very funny in the wrong company ie drunks lol) watch out for the subliminal images that you arnt allowed to do anymore

Silent Hill
Silent Hill(2006)

its fun (in a scary way) like watching someone play the game, quality freaky goodness

Click
Click(2006)
½

its a modern retelling of its a wonderful life, very funny in places with the usual moral.

Inside Man
Inside Man(2006)

very slow, ininteresting bank robbery movie, go watch dog day afternoon instead.

Jet Li's Fearless (Huo Yuan Jia) (Legend of a Fighter)
½

cool, hong kong martial arts movie, a proper one, none of this love traingle crap like flying daggers/hero/crouching tiger stuff.

District B13 (Banlieue 13)

like escape from new york, with more guns & martial arts... oh & in french.

Bubba Ho-Tep
Bubba Ho-Tep(2003)

the king vs the king of the dead - does exactly like it says on the box :-)

Man with the Screaming Brain

lotsa fun very silly, top quality ham with no added water :-)

Army of Darkness

bruce campbell vs the army of darkness, it doesnt get any better thanthat :-)

Cube
Cube(1998)

the 1st time you see this move, it rocks, soo interesting, like a big puzzle your trying to work it out along with the characters. & some grizely deaths, much better than cube zero & hypercube

Saw II
Saw II(2005)
½

its pretty cool. i liked it better than the 1st, was more interesting.

Hostel
Hostel(2006)

sucks ass...its dumb & boring & not at all gory, i seen goried 12 rated movies (ie terminator 3)

The Island
The Island(2005)

bit slow but enjoyable.

Aeon Flux
Aeon Flux(2005)
½

what a shame its got no story.

Freddy vs. Jason

you know if this is good just by the title....

The Village
The Village(2004)
½

its NOT a horror ok? its a thriller

Underworld
Underworld(2003)

this movie would be good if it had a half decient narrative as everything else is well good, good job the sequel has a decent story

Blade: Trinity

getting a bit tired now im afriad....

The Italian Job

oh no, go see the original (this hasnt even got a car chase at the end!)

Constantine
Constantine(2005)

run of the mill action/sci fi/horror movie (not bad, but not great) entertaining :-)

Jeepers Creepers
½

cool movie, original.

Mission: Impossible 2
½

more jamesbond/hard boild john woo sylee - love them slo mo doves....

Die Hard
Die Hard(1988)

this is good old fashoned 80's action...

The Butterfly Effect
½

pretty clever movie. bit like an unfunny groundhog day lol

The Grudge
The Grudge(2004)

JAP ones are better

Dead Alive
Dead Alive(1993)

this is called braindead in the uk (stupid americans)

Land of the Dead

i waited 18 years for this movie, & i wasnt disapointed

House Party
House Party(1990)

kid & play, its great dated fun from the 90s , love the hair

Wanted: Dead or Alive
½

this is a cool movie, rutger hauer befor he got fat

The Quick and the Dead
½

cool cowboy goodness from the evil dead crew

Road House
Road House(1989)
½

patrick swayze rippin throats , no dirty dancing here

Return of the Living Dead 3

hmmm sexy zombie, thats about it.

Drop Dead Fred
½

this is great :-)

Night of the Living Dead
½

i really liked the remake, similar, but different enough to warrant itself & good enough as a stand alone movie.

The Last House on the Left
½

good but the comedy police make it farcical

House of Flying Daggers
½

very pretty but after seen hero & crouching tiger, its nothing you havent seen before.

Night of the Living Dead

the zombie movie that started it all. quality stuff.

House of the Dead
½

not bad, some cool effects & zombies is always good, just dont be fooled with the title, its pretty much nothing like the game.

Last House on Dead End Street

very disturbing & nasty movie, much better than the rather boring hostel. much more seedier

Sin City
Sin City(2005)

its as near to a genuine adaption of mr millers B&W comics as you could get... i think theres a sequel on the way.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

go away or i will taunt you a second time!

Lara Croft - Tomb Raider
½

its indiana jones/james bond adventuring , very cheesy but fun. (& woth watching till the end for ms jolies slo mo run in a vest & no sports bra ;-)

What Women Want
½

i thought this would have been way too "chick flix" for me, but its actually quite funny, for both men & women. a suprise.

Dirty Dancing

nice music but isnt a old butlins readcoat hitting on a schoolie a bit wrong?

Rush Hour 2
Rush Hour 2(2001)

loads funnier than the 1st one

Final Destination 3
½

some very good gory deaths :-)

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

silly comic book adventuring with nice effects, great stuff

Groundhog Day

who would have thought seeing the same thing over & over could be so funny!

A Nightmare on Elm Street

tis a bit scary. the original & best.

War of the Worlds

abismal.. see the 50's version...

Bruce Almighty

no too keen on mr carey..

Wedding Crashers

long chick flick alert