yarkamman's Movie Ratings - Rotten Tomatoes

Movie Ratings and Reviews

The Lucky Ones
½

This slice of life drama, focusing on the shore leave of three military troops coming home from Iraq, is slow, quiet, and heartfelt. My initial fears that the film would be pretentious or preachy were quickly replaced with regret that the people in my own life aren't as genuine or "real" as the characters in the film.

Transsiberian

With an all star cast, the slow pacing to this film couldn't be better matched by the subtle beauty hidden withing the tundra where it takes place. A fairly straightforward crime drama unfolds through the perspective of five different characters, all of whom are far more interesting than the actual drama.

Interstate 60
½

I think that anyone who has ever wondered if there is meaning behind their existence, or wondered what their path in life ought to be, will appreciate this fantastical comedy about the journeys that will inevitably find us when we begin to ask the eternal questions of self.

Deep Rising
Deep Rising(1998)
½

This mad-cap adventure is non-stop fun. It has pirates, ghosts, and monsters. The only drawback is that there aren't any ninjas, but the witty one liners are so ridiculous Treat Williams is a verbal Ninja!

Monty Python's Life of Brian

Well, it lacks ALL the delicious violence and wicked torture of Passion of Christ, but it is far more historically accurate!

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

I'm pretty sure that every generation needs a film to help give them a voice that says, "I have no idea if life has any meaning at all. . ." Nick and Nora tries pretty hard to be that movie.

Changeling
Changeling(2008)
½

The whole time I watched this film I just kept thinking to myself, "Wait, Angelina Jolie WANTS to steal other people's children. What's the problem?"

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

It's a Kevin Smith movie! About Porno! Staring Seth Rogen! Can someone please explain to me why this film was fairly standard and blah?

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

Chris Klein, clearly the REAL star of the movie, chews on the scenery more effectively than any Nicolas Cage performance (including the Wicker Man remake) Apart from that, the movie is fairly boring, (There are really only two decent fighting scenes) which is deplorable for a movie entitled Street FIGHTER. Not to mention that the plot of the film felt like an hour and a half exploration of a forty second video game cut screen. Basically it was diluted, confusing, and ridiculous.

Coraline
Coraline(2009)
½

Apparently children in the United States are mentally retarded, because films geared toward children, like this one, seem to move slow and beat the audience over the head. Fortunately there is enough of the Gaiman book in the film to maintain a solid fairy tale with heart.

Friday the 13th
½

Ehhh, I'd rather just Re-Watch Parts 3-6 again.

Watchmen
Watchmen(2009)

Well, the Trade Paperback is one of the most dialogue heavy, boring comics I have ever read, so it came as no surprise that the film based on the series would also be a little talky and kind of boring. All in all, I would rather endure the movie then have to wade through the often aimless meanderings of the comic book.

He's Just Not That Into You

You know what this movie really needed? More Justin Long, and LESS everyone else. Not that I didn't appreciate seeing horrible things happen to the terrible characters that surrounded Justin Long and Ginnifer Goodwin's characters, I just got a little bored.

The Passion of the Christ

As far as hardened Torture films go, this movie is on a short list of truly gruesome movies. For that alone, I give it props. It is a shame so many people insist that it's based on a "true story"

Behind Enemy Lines

Owen Wilson's foray into the hardened action hero drama. Quite possibly more hilarious than most of his comedy.

Adventures in Babysitting

I don't know about YOUR god, but MY GOD carries a hammer!

Hitman
Hitman(2007)

Anytime a cold blooded killer sedates a naked Olga Kurylenko rather than giving into her sexual advances, I am a fan!

Dreamcatcher
Dreamcatcher(2003)

This film is worth watching just to try and figure out what it is, exactly, that is going on. . .

The X-Files: I Want to Believe (The X Files 2)

I love that this film has the subtitle of I WANT TOP BELIEVE. Because I think I speak for every fan of the show when I say that I WANTED TO BELIEVE that this movie would address any of the dozens of loose threads from the show. Too bad it didn't.

Taken
Taken(2009)

Well, people got killed and brutalized and raped. I was fairly content.

Bubble Boy
Bubble Boy(2001)

Any time Danny Trejo makes jokes in a movie, it deserves five stars.

Hero
Hero(2004)

If only there was half as much excitement IN the film, as there is ON the movie box.

Definitely, Maybe

It is a good thing that Children are the single redeeming miracle in our culture.

Catwoman
Catwoman(2004)

For a second, when I sat down to watch this film, I thought it might be connected to the popular DC comic book character. Even though there is literally no connection, I still thought this movie was terrible.

Garden State
Garden State(2004)

I'm pretty sure that every generation needs a film to help give them a voice that says, "I have no idea if life has any meaning at all. . ." Garden State is NOT that movie.

The Queen
The Queen(2006)

I thank God and The Queen everyday for my freedom. And this movie is a perfect metaphor for that freedom!

Predator 2
Predator 2(1990)

Clearly the best of the Predator series. It takes place in a quasi-post-apocalyptic city. It features an Angry Danny Glover running around. And people get killed. A lot of people. What more could anyone possibly ask for?

The Bank Job
The Bank Job(2008)

The only thing uglier or more boring than the seventies, is the seventies in the U.K.

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer

This was the Scientologist's version of the Tale of Jesus, right?

The Good Shepherd

As elaborate and down-to-earth as the story was, it sure felt boring. I mean, this was a movie about spies, right? There WERE SPIES in this movie, weren't there?

16 Blocks
16 Blocks(2006)

In a dark and broken world, a little sliver of Justive prevails? Hard to believe, I know, but I guess that's why it's fiction.

The Forbidden Kingdom

Let me see if I understand this movie correctly. . . Jet Li plays a monkey who knows kung fu. Hmmmm. It's not ninjas, but I'm sold.

Speed Racer
Speed Racer(2008)

There were ninjas in it. What else could YOU possibly ask for from any movie?

Crossroads
Crossroads(2002)

I thank GOD every day for this movie. Because every time a person asks me for a personal recommendation for the scariest movie that I've ever seen, I just say Britney Spears' Crossroads.

Rambo (Rambo IV)

All right. I'll be the one to say it, even if it is extremely UN-P.C. Any movie where a person kills more than three people in rapid succession with broad head arrows, is a brilliant work of art.

The Animal
The Animal(2001)

The one really good thing about this movie is the way that it pidgeon-holled Rob Schneider into bit parts. For ever.

Planet of the Apes

Crushed hands were totally worth it.

Heat
Heat(1995)

If this movie had a gorilla that fired pistols from his prehensile feet, I would like it a lot more.

Lost In Translation

Probably the defining characteristic of Sophia Coppola's films, to me, is the unique way she portrays a golden lifestyle in a whining negative light. I mean, should I really sympathize for an aged actor rolling in money who has made a wreck of his homelife? Or a spoiled wife of an indie film director who is unhappy with her golden palace?

Girl, Interrupted

A movie where Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie find themselves locked up in an asylum.

I'll let that sink in.

Get It?

A Christmas Story

The only thing that is better than watching A Christmas Story, is seeing it 18 times a day, every day, from Thanksgiving to New Years!

10,000 B.C.
10,000 B.C.(2008)

I remember this movie, this was the Scientologist's version of the Moses myth, right?

Seabiscuit
Seabiscuit(2003)

You know what I believe makes for bad movies? Gambling, families of animals, and horse racing.

The Crow
The Crow(1994)
½

Well, this is the movie that birthed the EMO movement into the world. How can we not be grateful?

Journey to the Center of the Earth

Any time Brendan Fraser fights dinosaurs, I'm in.

Carlito's Way

This was back in the day when Al Pacino was just a joke. He had not yet reached the level of parodying himself. Or the further level where he impersonates himself parodying himself.

Stephen King's It

As if every child on the planet doesn't already have a complex about clowns, Tim Curry and Stephen King really bring IT hoome.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

My favorite thing about any movie is that feeling I get when I leave the theatre, and can solidly say, "What the hell did I just see?!?"

Rush Hour 3
Rush Hour 3(2007)

The funniest thing about this movie is that double edged fact that Chris Tucker got higher billing and a bigger paycheck than Jackie Chan. If that isn't proof that it's snowing in hell, I don't know what is. . .

Saw IV
Saw IV(2007)

So, apparently Jigsaw really is God. He clearly is all knowing, and just wants what's best for humanity (whether they want it or not)

8MM
8MM(1999)

I love Nicolas Cage, when he knows that he is a joke. Why can't he ONLY star in movies like NEXT?

Enchanted
Enchanted(2007)

Even though there is singing in this movie, I forgive it. Mostly because of James Marsden, who could convince me to forgive almost any movie of any transgression.

Twilight
Twilight(2008)

So, I know that honorable Vampires are cool. And teenage, high-school drama is cool. So, this movie MUST be cool times two!

Arachnophobia
½

Well, it convinced me to be afraid of spiders. . .

The Outsiders

Any movie that features "Greasers" is not good. The newest Indiana Jones included.

The Dark Knight

I will go see any Batman movie that has Gary Oldman as Jim Gordon.

Iron Man
Iron Man(2008)
½

Here's the thing, Yes this movie was fun. But how am I supposed to care about someone who's squandered 30+ years on meaningless drivel, and then makes up for it by showboating in a suit? Tony Stark doesn't even try, he just throws himself into life threatening situations and then relies on his genius to fix it. Lame character.

Bangkok Dangerous
½

I think that movies about Hitmen should never star Nicolas Cage.

Babylon A.D.
Babylon A.D.(2008)

I've seen my fair share of sci-fi. And anime. And I had NO IDEA what was going on in this movie.

The House Bunny

Any movie that combines shallow sororities, Hugh Hefner, and breasts is ok in my book.

Eagle Eye
Eagle Eye(2008)

I love it when a story has an organization / person spend billions of dollars on tech in order to cajole someone into service. It's brilliant, right? I mean, for billions of dollars you could build a Terminator robot and have it do whatever you want, but instead you have to control the uncontrollable whims of fate for the sakes of a popcorn munching movie audience. It is sheer genius and a size 16 pair of clown shoes.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
½

This movie is too much fun for it's own good. It often lacked sense and pacing, in exchange for madcap antics. Ordinarily I'm a fan, but this time I was a little put off.

Bedtime Stories

YES. I DO think that America needs a Walt Disney made movie featuring Adam Sandler as a fairy tale hero.

Valkyrie
Valkyrie(2008)
½

Is the Nazi party up for Parole this year? Seriously, I have a hard time with any movie that focus on Hitler's Germany and the Nazis. Loosely extrapolated from historical events or not, I think that this movie was overly dramatic and pretty boring.

The Tale of Despereaux

The pacing of this story was jumpy and a little hard to follow. The actual morale behind the fairy tale was pretty far fetched and ridiculous. Still, it did have an adorable CGI mouse. It gets points for that.

Yes Man
Yes Man(2008)

I'm a simple man. Put eight Eels songs into a movie, and I'll love it.

The Unborn
The Unborn(2009)
½

Not even Gary Oldman made me care about this movie. The characters were so helpless and made such poor decisions. Not to mention how utterly pathetic the villain turned out to be. This monster could easily take over the bodies of dozens of different people in the course of the movie, but had to wait until the end of the movie to take over the bodies of the people close to the chosen target? Ridiculous. This whole movie was mostly boring, did not follow it's own Universal rules, and only had three good visual scares.

War, Inc.
War, Inc.(2008)

I watched this movie for one reason, I was hoping that War, Inc. would comfortably fit in the shadow of Grosse Pointe Blank. After all, Grosse Pointe Blank was amazing! And a film that was half as good, with half the same premise, should be worth watching! The bottom line is I grossly underestimated this movie. John Cusack is twice as crazy and dangerous in this film! Not to mention the story encapsulates most of the capitalistic angst from Grosse Pointe Blank with even more edged political jabs. I guess the only thin I can say is that the main character bites off a man's finger and spits it into the face of another adversary in combat. What more could ANYONE need from a film?

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

The TERMINATOR has a flawed concept at it?s very core. The premise that computer AI, when advanced enough, will decide to eradicate all human life. If that is true, as the movies and show implies, then humanity is inevitably dead. There can be no prevention. There can be no victory. Humanity would be dead. The ONLY chance for survival that hu8mans would have would be to prove that premise incorrect. To find a way for computer AI, at it?s most advanced, to WANT to live harmoniously with humanity. The only hope we would get.

The other obvious issue is the idea that John Connor is the singular, and unique, savior of all mankind. First of all, what about him would be so special? Secondly, if they went back in time to create John, why not just create a world of Saviors?

The other problem I have with the TERMINATOR series is the dichotomy of a force of humans fighting for humanity, all of whom seem to have no connection to humanity whatsoever. They are all miserable, unjoyous, and full of hate and resentment. The characters that end up seeming the closest to human are the robots who are struggling to fight for good.

The Terminator

The TERMINATOR has a flawed concept at it?s very core. The premise that computer AI, when advanced enough, will decide to eradicate all human life. If that is true, as the movies and show implies, then humanity is inevitably dead. There can be no prevention. There can be no victory. Humanity would be dead. The ONLY chance for survival that hu8mans would have would be to prove that premise incorrect. To find a way for computer AI, at it?s most advanced, to WANT to live harmoniously with humanity. The only hope we would get.

The other obvious issue is the idea that John Connor is the singular, and unique, savior of all mankind. First of all, what about him would be so special? Secondly, if they went back in time to create John, why not just create a world of Saviors?

The other problem I have with the TERMINATOR series is the dichotomy of a force of humans fighting for humanity, all of whom seem to have no connection to humanity whatsoever. They are all miserable, unjoyous, and full of hate and resentment. The characters that end up seeming the closest to human are the robots who are struggling to fight for good.

Terminator Salvation

Let me begin by saying, At least this installment is being directed by Mcg. I'll leave it to you to decide if that is sincere, or ironic.

The TERMINATOR has a flawed concept at it?s very core. The premise that computer AI, when advanced enough, will decide to eradicate all human life. If that is true, as the movies and show implies, then humanity is inevitably dead. There can be no prevention. There can be no victory. Humanity would be dead. The ONLY chance for survival that hu8mans would have would be to prove that premise incorrect. To find a way for computer AI, at it?s most advanced, to WANT to live harmoniously with humanity. The only hope we would get.

The other obvious issue is the idea that John Connor is the singular, and unique, savior of all mankind. First of all, what about him would be so special? Secondly, if they went back in time to create John, why not just create a world of Saviors?

The other problem I have with the TERMINATOR series is the dichotomy of a force of humans fighting for humanity, all of whom seem to have no connection to humanity whatsoever. They are all miserable, unjoyous, and full of hate and resentment. The characters that end up seeming the closest to human are the robots who are struggling to fight for good.

Trailer Park Boys: The Movie

This is the Cohen Brothers equivalent of decadent trash. I love it, and cannot stop laughing!

Resident Evil: Extinction

Man this movie was bad. Not only did I not understand how the three mostly seperate plots tied into one cohesive story, I also didn't understand how they fit all of those wicked crazy zombies into a freight container. That being said, Milla Jovovich has a fantastic wardrobe that is eclipsed only by her weaponry!

Hudson Hawk
Hudson Hawk(1991)

I feel like a dolphin who's never tasted melted snow. What does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I must speak with the dolphins now. Eeeee-eeee-eee-eeeeeee!

The Princess Bride

Hands down, the film with the best fencing footwork in it that I have ever seen! Literally. And the blade work is pretty good too. AND, as if those two things weren't enough all on their own, it is filled with some of the finest quotes from any film made since Casablanca.

Darby O'Gill and the Little People

Three fairy tale stories woven into one feature film focusing on the never-ending rivalry between a charmingly crotchety old Irish Bloke, and the KING of the Leprechauns! If that's not enough to convince you to see this film, bear in mind that a strapping young Sean Connery sings!

Juno
Juno(2007)
½

I know this is a 2007 release. I don't care. I count it as 2008 because Fox Searchlight played games distributing it!

After Knocked Up I swore that NO unwanted pregnancy movie could be fun or worth seeing. This movie has officially made me recant my statement. It is light and fun and filled with delicious nuggets of dialog. I felt that all of the characters were written in an even and fair manner, which surprised me given the delicate nature of the situation. I couldn't have been more pleased with this film!

Cloverfield
Cloverfield(2008)

No. This movie DOES NOT revolve around a monster attack. It revolves around a pathetic love story that happens to take place during a monster attack. The shaky cam realism eliminates most cinematic moments and close ups. The characters are wooden and fairly loathsome. I am told that the film neglects to incorporate a single piece of back story that was ridiculously over played through viral advertsing online. AND there is very little gore. What is the point of a monster movie without gore? Wait, that's right, this is NOT a monster movie. It is a bad relationship movie. My advice, just watch Sleepless in Seattle and pretend Godzilla is in the background. You'll be far more satisfied.

On a plus note, this is my first hated movie of 2008! KU-DOS!

Fracture
Fracture(2007)

The story was ridiculously easy to figure out, which is bad for a story driven thriller. That being said, Ryan Gosling gave one of the best performances I have seen in a while.

TMNT
TMNT(2007)

This was the best the Turtles have ever looked, and the story was actually interesting. On top of that, this follows the continuity set out by the FOX cartoon. I hope they make a sequel.

Sydney White
Sydney White(2007)

I don't care what all you haters think. Amanda Bynes is fun, and I LOVE fun!

Dan in Real Life

Holy Shit. Writer / Director Peter Hedges is a monster. First he brings us Pieces Of April, which was fantastically sad, but kinda rough around the edges. He has lost, in my opinion, all roughness and baby fat with Dan In Real Life. Same themes, same setting, all new gut wrenching sadness. Amazing.

The Nanny Diaries

Not even Chris Evans could help me care about the whiny characters in this film. In fact, this movie made me WANT to watch LONDON again.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

I would wager my first born that this film's script was actually four separate movies written by four separate people. At the time of production they just cut and pasted a fourth from each script. That is the only explanation I have for how uneven this movie felt.

1408
1408(2007)

I'm not sure how scary it would be to have to stay in a room that is trying to convince you to kill yourself. That premise ensures that the room will not kill you under any circumstances. It can only encourage you to kill yourself. Is that scary to anyone else?

I Know Who Killed Me

Astoundingly bad. The only surprise was that Uwe Boll did NOT direct this gem.

Angel-A
Angel-A(2005)

This movie struck me as a very simple, and overly literal fairy tale about a loser and his guardian angel. Fantastically done, and moving.

Good Luck Chuck

Surprisingly, I laughed constantly through out this film. Dane Cook got to be the stage persona I know and love, and Jessica Alba hasn't been this cute in a role since Idle Hands.

30 Days of Night

I would have never guessed that a movie starring teen heart-throb Josh Hartnett and Melissa George could be filled with so much gore and, at the same time, be so incredibly boring.

Lars and the Real Girl

A very Beautiful Fairy Tale.

We Own the Night
½

Man oh man, I hate the 70s. Was there a more atrocious era? It's bad enough that I was born in that decade. Now they have to make really slow and lame movies about then? C'mon.

Martian Child

Wow. This movie was sad, sad, sad. It wasn't as sad as Dan In Real Life, but it certainly gut punched me regularly throughout the film. Very well made!

Charlie's Angels - Full Throttle

I just re-watched this gem, and I take it all back. All those derogatory things I said about McG, and the slanderous comments made about the Angels franchise were clearly mistakes. Not only does this film feature more crazy action and insane wire work than any Chinese action film, it also has the most close-fisted punches delivered to women's faces. It's true, I counted. Over 380 close-fisted punches to a woman's face. It is a dream come true!

The Bourne Ultimatum

Still filled with the pseudo-"24" shakey cam nonsense. Even in scenes where the two actors are sitting at a table talking! What a load of BS. But, the movie was still incredibly solid. It was certainly no LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD, but it was close. To quote my boss, I would love to see a Jason Bourne / John McClain buddy team up film!

Memento
Memento(2000)

Truly a clever script. Whether or not you like this movie, you have to admit that the Tarantino editing style is utilized to a much fuller potential by Nolan.

Some Like It Hot

Comedy back when dialogue was still brilliant. This and BRINGING UP BABY are two of my most favorite comedies of the era.

Ghostbusters (1984 Original)

Every time I watch this movie I laugh harder than I did the time before. What could possibly be a better testament to a film?

The Astronaut Farmer

Sweet Baby Zombie Jesus. From the Director of Twin Falls Idaho and Northfork comes one of the most asinine and redundant dramas I have ever seen. I was bludgeoned by the mediocrity of this film.

Sunshine
Sunshine(2007)

Strange, strange movie. All I know for sure is that I left the theatre feeling seriously depressed.

The Number 23

I suppose I should be grateful to this movie for laying the ground work for all kinds of numerology jokes.

The Host
The Host(2007)

I'm not sure I get it. The special effects look like they were done on an Apple using After Effects. The movie is needlessly two hours long. And the characters are all utterly ridiculous caricatures of Jerry Lewis? Really? And THIS is the film that is re-defining monster movies?

300
300(2007)
½

I suppose there is something to the fact that uber-masculinity truly is the greatest indicator to closeted homo-sexuality.

Dead Silence
Dead Silence(2007)

Man, this movie was horrible. Seriously horrible. The one saving grace is the utterly ridiculous, and fantastically hilarious performance by Donnie Wahlberg. Worth the price of renting just for him.

The Lookout
The Lookout(2007)
½

Very solid script. Good action. And nice character development. All that, and there is a mentally handicapped guy too?

Year of the Dog
½

This was a very strange movie. I am pretty sure it was not funny. With the singular exception of the line about the baby chicken. That was priceless.

Redline
Redline(2007)

The only thing that could have made this movie MORE ridiculous would have been Dr. Uwe Boll as the director.

Waitress
Waitress(2007)

Wow! This was a seriously depressing movie. I loved it, but it made me seriously consider returning to therapy.

Spider-Man 3
Spider-Man 3(2007)

See what happens when a comic book movie goes from being about the drama to the action? Comics are about drama. There is a reason they are called the Soap Operas of the literary world.

Georgia Rule
Georgia Rule(2007)
½

I'm not even going to make a single child molestation joke in this review. Although I know you all know what I'm thinking. . .

28 Weeks Later...

Is there a rule in zombie movies that every single character has to be an evil monster? I understand zombies are bad. Governments and military are bad. But families and kids too? Where are the heores? Where are the characters I want to root for? And would someone please put a stop to the shakey-cam nonsense. Oh the humanity! Wait. Should that be the zombanity?

The Ex
The Ex(2007)

Someting about Zack Braff rubs me the wrong way. He just isn't funny. I'm not sure why. Although there is an awesome scene in this movie involving infant insults. I'm giving this movie an extra star because of that.

Shrek the Third

I hope that the next installment of this series feature time travel and a headless statue of liberty. That would be awesome.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End

Does anyone really understand what is happening in this movie? And why don't they actually sword fight anymore? I know they made enough money! Can't they just bring back the fight choreographer from the first movie?

Knocked Up
Knocked Up(2007)
½

I appreciate Judd Apatow's effort, but I still maintain that unwanted pregnancy is NOT funny. I've heard that I will come to appreciate the full intricacies of this movie once I have had children. My response is that you will come to appreciate my disdain when you are saddled with unwanted pregnancy at the age of 15.

Ocean's Thirteen

The script was Not Clever. At all. So, just in case I ever get my hands on a list of all you dip-shits who complained that the last movie was too complicated, expect a home visit. Despite the mundane and straight-forward script, the ensemble cast is still amazing. And the movie is all about fun.

DOA: Dead or Alive
½

This movie is terrible. And wonderful at the same time. The cinematography is breathtaking, which is only enhanced by the fact that every shot is filled with scantily clad beautiful women. If swim suit issues had as much hand to hand combat as this movie, I would totally understand the fascination.

Nancy Drew
Nancy Drew(2007)
½

Cute. In every sense of the word. Not as funny as it could have been, and some of the performances were painful. But it was a nice all age friendly mystery.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Kinda Dumb. Jessica Alba had great big giant Anime eyes, which was fascinating to me. And Chris Evans is fairly funny. All in all, kinda dumb.

Ratatouille
Ratatouille(2007)

The movie was a little long. And the heart was not as warm and fuzzy as I had hoped it would be. Still, it was a good film, and a solid follow up to The Incredibles.

License to Wed

I refuse to say anything critical or discouraging about a movie starring John Krasinski that was also directed by Ken Kwapis. Even if it was not very funny.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Well, at least the wirazds actually cast some spells in this movie. That's something, right? I mean, it only took four? No, five movies.

Hairspray
Hairspray(2007)

Obviously there was some mistake in the making of this film. Not only is it pretty close to the John Waters' original, but there was hardly any Amanda Bynes.

No Reservations
½

I never entirely understand the American fixation on re-making foreign films. That being said, I thought this movie was fairly cute, even when it was blasting the audience full in the face with both barrels of over-the-top emotional drama.

Transformers
Transformers(2007)

I honestly cannot remember the last time I was so upset at a movie that I saw in theaters. Off the top of my head I would guess it may have been SLACKERS or ALONE IN THE DARK. Let me acknowledge that this movie looks great and is hilarious. But it had the least sensical story of any action movie I've seen (and that is REALLY bad!). And It had way too much nonsense and antics, and not enough robot fighting. I could go on all day about how insulted I feel as a result of this film's script!

Panic Room
Panic Room(2002)

As much as I want to hate this movie, I realize that it is me who is lacking. Everytime I have seen it, I cannot understand what is going on. I get confused about why it is profitable for four guys to go to the lengths they do in the heist. And, of course, I get confused by the level of security Jodie Foster has in her house. I suppose if I were smarter I would love this film.

Suicide Kings

This movie is so ridiculously hip and mainstream that I really want to hate it. Unfortunately the story and dialogue are much to clever for me to hate.

The Net
The Net(1995)

Oh man. This movie is a one of a kind classic. For starters, it elaborately, and accurately, expounds on the various dangers of both computers and the internet. As if that weren't enough, in true Orwellian fashion, it warned us all about the very serious problem of identity theft years before it was mainstream!

Natural Born Killers
½

You know, I used to say that any conspiracy theory is a great story. Oliver Stone has totally proven that to not be true.

Salvador
Salvador(1986)

You know, I used to say that any conspiracy theory is a great story. Oliver Stone has totally proven that to not be true.

JFK
JFK(1991)

You know, I used to say that any conspiracy theory is a great story. Oliver Stone has totally proven that to not be true.

Nixon
Nixon(1995)

You know, I used to say that any conspiracy theory is a great story. Oliver Stone has totally proven that to not be true.

Alexander
Alexander(2004)

You know, I used to say that any conspiracy theory is a great story. Oliver Stone has totally proven that to not be true.

The Missing
The Missing(2003)
½

On the one hand, I love Cate Blanchett and her performance in this film. On the other hand, I'm a little creeped out that every Native American character in this movie has super secret witch craft powers. What does that even mean, honestly?

I Think I Love My Wife

I am captivated by Chris Rock's ability to continue directing movies. They are all so incredibly bad. I keep hoping that Spike Lee and Forest Whitaker will team up and do something about this. If for no other reason, just to restore the purity of African American directors.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
½

Yes. I do believe in the Great Pumplin. And yes, I do wait for him in a pumpkin patch every Halloween. And, of course, yes! I have lost countless girl-friends to this obsession.

Leaving Las Vegas

This was the movie that really convinced me that Nicolas Cage could really excel as a serious actor. The way that he did nothing through the whole movie was rivetting! The only thing better was the way that he expressed no emotion through the whole movie. Wow! I've never seen such non-acting. Astounding!

America's Sweethearts

Just the other day I was saying to Jerry that I think Hollywood should make more movies all about Hollywood. And then I saw this movie and felt totally vindicated.

Dennis the Menace
½

I will watch, and love, any movie starring Walter Matthau. Even this one.

City Slickers 2 - The Legend of Curly's Gold

What's better than a movie with Jack Palance in it? A sequel starring Jack Palance playing the identical twin of his previous character!

Super Size Me

This movie was awesome, but I really liked the sequel more. That realization on day nine when it becomes apparent that eating ground up glass will cause internal bleeding really spoke to me.

Being John Malkovich
½

I have to admit that there is something about seeing Cameron Diaz as a really ugly woman that turns me on.

The Last Unicorn

Thank the good lord that this Last Unicorn was not killed. And thank America for singing about it.

Bio-Dome
Bio-Dome(1996)

I always knew that the issues revolving around the environment were serious, but it wasn't until I saw this movie that I really began to take the initiative to try to make a difference. I mean, seriously, if Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin can help, I am practically obligated.

Darkman
Darkman(1990)

This was my first intro duction to Sam Raimi. It was also the movie that helped me decide that I want to beat people to death while laughing hysterically. Thank you Sam and Liam.

Robin Hood
Robin Hood(1973)

Seriously, who doesn't love a hero who uses a composite longbow?

Superman II
Superman II(1981)

Wow. I didn't know that Kryptonians could use the power of their kiss to make people contract localized amnesia. That explains SO many things!

About a Boy
About a Boy(2002)

I believe that Hugh Grant plays this sarcastic character over and over and over again. Fortunately I am happy to watch it everytime he plays it.

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause

Take a campy Disney Christmas movie and mix in time travel! I rest my case.

Short Circuit 2

We all know that the biggest problem with the first movie was the scene stealing Steve Guttenberg. So making a sequel that didn't have him at all was PURE GOLD!

RV
RV(2006)
½

I thought that the story and pacing of this movie held together surprisingly well. There was even character development outside of the multiple personalities that Robin Williams struggled with.

In Good Company

This movie was sad, depressing, and kind of creepy. Topher Grace's character was a sad, sad man.

World Trade Center

As soon as they make a movie about 9/11 that doesn't try to convince me that Americans are victims, then I'll stop hating them.

Bicentennial Man

If you really want a horror filled hour and a half, check out this Orwellian sci-fi thriller!

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

If nothing else, Jude Law close fist punches Gwyneth Palrow in the face in this film. Automatic Three Stars.

The New Guy
The New Guy(2002)

D.J. Qualls does a George Patton impersonation in this movie. What else needs to be said?

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Let me check. Yep, this is still just a Star Trek movie. Not any better than the preachy teevee show.

The Boondock Saints

If nothing else, this movie is the least sensical fun you can have with the Irish and guns. That being said, it's a shame that the script is so ridiculous, and that Troy Duffy was psychotic.

King Kong
King Kong(1976)

I cannot imagine anyone intentioanally choosing to watch THIS version. Seriously.

The Devil's Rejects

All visuals and talk with no heart. Really disappointing to me.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

The only thing that would have made this a better superman movie would have been the return of his good buddy Richard Pryor! At least Cyclops wasn't in more than a third of the scenes.

Night Watch
Night Watch(2006)

I've watched this movie with subtitles and dubbed. Neither version makes a lick of sense.

Platoon
Platoon(1986)

Oliver Stone is one of the most heavy-handed pretentious directors that I love hating.

Invincible
Invincible(2006)

I hate footbal. I hate sports movies. And I hate bio-pics. Could this movie have scored any worse with me? (Probably if it has crippled manipulative women in it)

Election
Election(1999)
½

That Reese Witherspoon sure does play an evil bitch like it's second nature. Of course, i suppose it could be acting. . .

My Boss's Daughter

I think that it was the pacing that truly made this movie memorable!

Hackers
Hackers(1995)

Man. Remember when the world was convinced that computer hacking was the key to ruling the world? An somehow punk kids were better at it than computer programmers or geniuses! What a beautiful world.

Son-in-Law
Son-in-Law(1993)

Yep, I know it's dumb. I know it has no redeeming qualities. I know it isn't as good as Encino Man. I still laugh.

Trading Places

Classic John Landis. Back when Dan Aykroyd was thin and Eddie Murphy was funny. Those were the good old days.

Starship Troopers

I'm sure that this is an epic sci-fi story. But man, does this movie suck!

Showgirls
Showgirls(1995)

You know, I once listened to a 45 minute explanation of why Paul Verhoeven is a genius. I suppose porn directors are geniuses too.

Lake Placid
Lake Placid(1999)
½

This is, hands down, my favorite performance by Brendon Gleeson. The entire script is full of quirky dialogue that I love! The most fun possible in a serious horror movie.

Gummo
Gummo(1997)

All kinds of stupid in all the worst ways. Know what I like in my movies? A story. This is one of those many times when I want to be able to rate a movie with ZERO stars.

The Hills Have Eyes 2

I have a pet peeve about horror movies. If the killers/mutants/murderes/canibals have the ability to move faster than vehicles on foot, predict the future with absolute certainty, or intrinsically know where their prey is, then I hate the movie.

The Hills Have Eyes

I have a pet peeve about horror movies. If the killers/mutants/murderes/canibals have the ability to move faster than vehicles on foot, predict the future with absolute certainty, or intrinsically know where their prey is, then I hate the movie.

Saw III
Saw III(2006)

I have a pet peeve about horror movies. If the killers/mutants/murderes/canibals have the ability to move faster than vehicles on foot, predict the future with absolute certainty, or intrinsically know where their prey is, then I hate the movie.

The Devil's Backbone (El Espinazo del diablo)
½

One of the scariest ghost stories I have watched. It is so simple and effective.

Pan's Labyrinth
½

Did you like this movie? Go see "The Devil's Backbone."

Tango & Cash
Tango & Cash(1989)

I totally understand why this double the action-packed film needed two directors!

Weekend at Bernie's

How can you go wrong with a movie starring Andrew McCarthy and a dead guy?

Torque
Torque(2004)

Some of the most gratuitous product placement I have ever seen in a really bad movie. I feel bad for Pepsi.

A Man Apart
A Man Apart(2003)
½

I would be hard pressed to come up with another action movie that is really a closet case drama.

Rear Window
Rear Window(1954)
½

I love it when a movie that has SO much hype actually lives up to its reputation.

Outbreak
Outbreak(1995)

Somehow I have a really hard time caring about disease outbreak movies. I'm not sure why. Possibly because I question how efficient the CDC and the government would honestly be in one of these simulated situations. That, coupled with the fact that I could be ready to die, make this kind of story a hard sell.

Halloween: Resurrection

This film is worth every second of wasted time just to see Busta Rhymes shame Mike Myers by yelling at him!

An Inconvenient Truth

At first I was sort of on the fence about the whole global warming issue, and the hype about the environment. Then I saw this eye-opening odcumentary. And it helped me realize that we have inflicted too much damage. The world is lost.

Jingle All the Way
½

Although this film does not make my top Christmas film list, it is still a lot of fun.

Drop Dead Gorgeous

Maybe it was because I dated our small town's beauty pageant queen, or maybe not. All I know is that this movie makes me want to cry, not laugh.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

Fantastic. And yes, I would like a wafer thin mint.

White Men Can't Jump

It boggles my mind how funny this piece of crap is to me.

Wolf Creek
Wolf Creek(2005)

It boggles my mind that the Australian Outback, as large as I've heard it is, is still small enough for one man to find two women fleeing him with a head start. I guess being a murderer also grants you clairvoyance. I have a pet peeve about horror movies. If the killers/mutants/murderes/canibals have the ability to move faster than vehicles on foot, predict the future with absolute certainty, or intrinsically know where their prey is, then I hate the movie.

Saw
Saw(2004)

I have a pet peeve about horror movies. If the killers/mutants/murderes/canibals have the ability to move faster than vehicles on foot, predict the future with absolute certainty, or intrinsically know where their prey is, then I hate the movie.

Saw II
Saw II(2005)

I have a pet peeve about horror movies. If the killers/mutants/murderes/canibals have the ability to move faster than vehicles on foot, predict the future with absolute certainty, or intrinsically know where their prey is, then I hate the movie.

Fat Albert
Fat Albert(2004)

This movie is the kind of fun that I want from a kid's film.

Brazil
Brazil(1985)

I love this movie. I watched it for the first time when I was in High School, and have loved it more and more ever since. It is brillinat sci-fi oddity at it's finest.

Three Men and a Baby (3 Men and a Baby)

Leonard Nimoy directed this? Are you kidding me? I suppose that explains a lot.

Gremlins 2: The New Batch
½

I actually like this film more than the original. Yes, it is campy and dumb. But I like that about it. Seriously, how are you supposed to make a fott creature scary? Especially two movies in a row. At least this movie didn't try and fail, it just shifted gears.

Wrong Turn
Wrong Turn(2003)

I have a pet peeve about horror movies. If the killers/mutants/murderes/canibals have the ability to move faster than vehicles on foot, predict the future with absolute certainty, or intrinsically know where their prey is, then I hate the movie.

Taxi Driver
Taxi Driver(1976)

I remember this movie! This was back when Scorsese had some skill and originality left in him!!

Fast Times At Ridgemont High

I'm behind all of the movies that Amy Heckerling has directed. Some of them have fallen a little flat, but this movie is prrof of her comedy genius.

Dawn of the Dead

I think this is my favorite of the Romero movies. I know that this is not a popular view. I embrace that, and love this movie the most anyway!

End of Days
End of Days(1999)

This movie made me wish for the actual End of Days.

Misery
Misery(1990)

Okay. I like the hobbling.

Troll 2
Troll 2(1990)

This is, hands down, a movie that every person ought to see before they die. The bigger the group, the more fun that is guaranteed! I couldn't agree more with Uncle Stevie when i say that you all should do yourself a favor and watch this horro classic!

Snow Day
Snow Day(2000)

"Listen to the wind!"

Ernest Saves Christmas

My third favorite Christmas movie. Featuring the finest rendition of 'O Christmas Tree' ever wrought by human ears.

Scrooged
Scrooged(1988)

Gooder and gooder, everytime I watch it. This movie has definitely earned the number 2 spot on my top 10 Christmas movies list.

Lord of the Flies

It certainly isn't the book, but it tries.

12 Angry Men (Twelve Angry Men)
½

As much as I hate court room movies, this is a great film. Great actors, great performances, and a terrific script.

Cabin Fever
Cabin Fever(2002)

It was gory. And funny.

La Bamba
La Bamba(1987)

Okay. One) I hate bio pics. Two) I hate tragic dramas (yep, he dies.) Three) I don't even like his music.

Empire Records

Brilliant. I cannot count how many times this film has tried top be imitated, all leading to failure.

National Lampoon's Animal House
½

Finally, a classically recognized movie that I can get behind. Yes, it has not aged that well, but it is still funny.

Stargate
Stargate(1994)

Egyptians = Aliens = shemales. And I honestly do not mean for that to be insulting to shemales, but I don't know how else to add it up.

Breakfast at Tiffany's
½

Hepburn's character is such a tool in this movie. I keep waiting for someone, I don't even care who (be it a man or a woman) to haul off and punch herin the face.

A Perfect Murder

No. "Perfect" does NOT belong in this movie's title.

Rudy
Rudy(1993)

I know this movie is a classic. I have a really hard time caring. I mean, seriously, four years at a school busting his hump so he can wear a jerey for one play of one game? And everyone is proud of him? Seriously? They shouldn't have given him a jersey, they should have given him a gun so he could end it all.

Poseidon
Poseidon(2006)

I love a good Kurt Russell movie more than the next guy, and I still regretted this movie. It was so formulaic and blah. Not even worth a bad rating, just so run of the mill. Yuck.

The Whole Nine Yards

Any movie that makes fun of mayonaise is aces with me.

Secondhand Lions
½

A little tired, perhaps, but still classic. And Caine with Duvall is a golden combination.

Space Cowboys

Man. That Clint Eastwood is hardcore, huh? I think he must have punched every exec in Hollywood until they green lighted a movie script that would allow him to jog for 8 minutes on screen. Just to prove that he isn't dead. Oh no. He is hardcore.

The Warriors
The Warriors(1979)
½

Walter Hill is one of my top ten favorite action directors. He has done some of the best of the action genre. This is no exception.

The Way of the Gun
½

Not only does this film feature on of my favorite scenes of a man closed fist punching a woman in the face, but the script is all around amazing. Here is a wonderful example of morally ambiguous heroes who are still worth rooting for.

Land of the Dead
½

Yeah, this movie was stupid. I'm beginning to think stupid is a prerequisite of zombie movies. (With the glaring exception of Shaun of the Dead). At least this movie had characters I cared about, unlike 90% of the other zombie films out there. (Yes, I am talking about 28 Weeks Later)

28 Days Later

The part at the end where he goes all Batman was fun, but I'm not sure I like Cillian Murphy.

The Brothers Grimm
½

Poor Terry Gilliam. He used to be such a visionary. I'm not sure what happened. Etiher way, I still enjoyed the back and forth dialogue between Damon and Ledger. And I will watch this movie any time just to see the scenes of Lena Headley frolicking through the woods with a long bow. Man-oh-man!

Bringing Up Baby

This is probably the only movie where I enjoy watching Katherine Hepburn. She is so funny and manic. It is a joy to watch. And, of course, Cary Grant is brilliant.

Once upon a Time in Mexico

Even at his worse, I would rather watch a Robert Rodriquez film over 90% of the directors in Hollywood.

Traffic
Traffic(2000)
½

As much as I like this movie, it just makes me think of how much more I liked the British Mini-Series.

Patch Adams
Patch Adams(1998)

Don't you see, Laughter is the best medicine! Laughter! You know it's true, because this movie is based on a true story! Could there be anything else working in this film's favor?

John Carpenter's Escape from L.A.

Want to see the exact moment when John Carpenter began to make fun of himself? It's carefully hidden in this movie.

An Unfinished Life

I watched this movie on a plane. It was pretty dumb. Kinda felt like it was made for TV. Perhaps the Lifetime channel.

Finding Forrester

Wait a second, old people do have something to contribute to society? Apparently someone needs to explain that to Gus Van Sant.

Miracle on 34th Street

Why would you watch this? Just watch the original.

Varsity Blues

You know, I once tried to join this cult, of crazies who worhiped Football. They saw right through me and cut out my spleen.

Layer Cake
Layer Cake(2005)

You know what? Forget the new James Bond movie. It is too long and it only has two decent action scenes. Instead watch Layer Cake. It also stars Daniel Craig and has way more action and plot!

Ice Princess
Ice Princess(2005)

It was kinda strange seeing Kim Catrall play a back-stabbing ice skating coach in a Disney movie.

Idiocracy
Idiocracy(2006)
½

I almost hated this movie. I would have if not for the fact that it has electrolytes. Clearly what plants crave.

Vacancy
Vacancy(2007)

This movie was much better than I thought it was going to be. Wilson and Beckinsale both play fighting spouses in an imaginary world where it is profitable to murder people in a hotel. Fantastic.

The Witches
The Witches(1990)
½

One of the very few movies that gave me nightmares as a little guy.

Beverly Hills Cop III

Still funny, even though Eddie is a little paunchy and the script is clearly exhausted. You know what they really need? A Beverly Hills Cop 4!

Batman
Batman(2002)

My favorite incarnation of Batman to present.

The Haunting
The Haunting(1999)

I am pretty sure that the entire cast, crew and director were 100% drunk during the entire production on this abysmal remake.

First Blood
First Blood(1982)

This isn't Nam Rambo. There are rules!

Hope Floats
Hope Floats(1998)

I love watching Forest Whitaker so much when he acts. And, conversely, hate watching the movies he directs. They're so filled with dramatic estrogen.

The Master of Disguise

Do kids really love this movie? And whose kids are we talking about? Because I would wager that those kids need to be placed in foster homes.

The Deer Hunter

This movie is worth seeing at least once in your life. And probably only once because it is wicked long and boring.

The Graduate
The Graduate(1967)

Blah, blah, trend setting. Blah, blah, excellent soundtrack. Blah, blah, genius.

I say that this movie DOES NOT hold up well to the test of time.

Ed Wood
Ed Wood(1994)

A story that deserves telling. And it is pretty funny, to boot.

Passenger 57
Passenger 57(1992)

I love any cop movie where the main cop is more interested in comitting murder than he is aprehending a villain. You go Wesley!!

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

I hate sci-fi movies. (with the notable exception of Serenity) This movie is no different.

Enemy at the Gates
½

Not bad for a war movie. The book was way cooler.

The New World

Let's see. If we take that really nasty, and historically inaccurate Disney cartoon, and add two hours worth of drama, then we would get this movie.

Soul Plane
Soul Plane(2004)

This rating actually hurts me, because I like to give love to all the movies that Tom Arnold is in. Unfortunately, not even the Tom Arnold is enough to help me endure this pile.

Stay Alive
Stay Alive(2006)

Man. What a great idea to make a movie about a video game that actually kills the people who die in it. That's brilliant. I only wish that this movie had actually been a spoof film mocking Dr. Uwe Boll.

Center Stage
Center Stage(2000)

This movie is like a musical minus the singing. Lame.

Jason X
Jason X(2002)

This was, for my money, the best Friday the 13th movie made. Not because of Kane Hodder. Oh no. Because all he wanted was his machette back!

Accepted
Accepted(2006)
½

Thanks to this movie I am now fully insured against "hobo stabbings."

Monster House

Very Funny. Very scary. And awesome story. This animated movie was way more solid than half the live action movies that came out in 2006. What is that about!?

Clerks II
Clerks II(2006)

If for no other reason than the phrase, "I'm taking it back!"

V for Vendetta

Again, the movie was so much better than the Alan Moore comic, I could hardly believe it.

Hoodwinked
Hoodwinked(2005)

I laugh everytime I watch this movie. A lot.

Stranger Than Fiction

I wish we all had our own narrators.

Beerfest
Beerfest(2006)

I want to freeze this movie, tie it to my feet and go ice skating on it, and in the spring time thaw it and drink it.

Bambi II
Bambi II(2006)

Stop It. Seriously.

Kangaroo Jack

Anthony Anderson + Jerry O'Connell + snappy Kangaroo equals HIGH JINKS!!

The Matador
The Matador(2006)

This was the movie that convinced me that I do not, in fact, want to be a hitman when I grow up.

Domino
Domino(2005)
½

Even though the editing got kind of annoying, this movie is still way too much fun not to give a high rating.

Risky Business

I hate the early eighties. This movie is part of the reason why.

Kiss of the Dragon
½

Wow! Acuepuncture can be used like that? Where do I sign up for classes?

Seed of Chucky
½

Best, funniest, and scariest of the series.

Angel Eyes
Angel Eyes(2001)

I'm not sure that this movie could have intentionally done anything else to make it a perfect candidate for MST3K.

Tombstone
Tombstone(1993)

Even though this movie is a million hours long, I will watch it again and again just to watch Kurt "the Love Muscle" Russell murder everyone!

Flashdance
Flashdance(1983)

"A conduit for the song-and-dance numbers."

Need I quote more?

Ray
Ray(2004)

Man! That Jamie Foxx sure is a good Ray Charles! Whoo!

Wait?

What's that?

An Actor's job is to become someone else? Being a good Ray isn't that big a deal?

Oh.

Around the World in 80 Days

Steeve Coogan is quickly climbing my list of actors who I want to watch the entire filmography for. Of course, this movie is not one of the compelling ones.

Conan the Destroyer

Believe it or not, I like this movie more than the original. Even though the score isn't as good, the sword fighting is better. And it's more fun.

I Spy
I Spy(2002)

It's a movie about an invisible jet. Who doesn't think that's cool?

Annie
Annie(1999)

I'm almost positive that I have hated every incarnation of this stupid insipid story. I hate the comic strip. I hate the Broadway musical. And I hate this derivitave version.

K-9
K-9(1989)

Any movie that has a dog billed as high as James Belushi has got to be good. Right?

That's right? Isn't it?

Young Guns
Young Guns(1988)

I hate these movies. They are too serious for me to enjoy, and they are too goofy for me to treat like real movies.

Duplex
Duplex(2003)

Ordinarily I'm all about the reckless abuse of a senior citizen. Yet, somehow, this movie lost me.

Punch-Drunk Love
½

I have to admit that I really liked this movie. Adam Sandler played the same psycho that he plays in all his wacky comedies, only this movie is set in a very real world. And he is truly seen as a psycho. I think that makes it even more funny!

Forever Young

Anytime Mel Gibson dies in a movie it forces me to seroiusly question whether or not I can still believe in a God.

Friday the 13th, Part V - A New Beginning
½

I watched this movie for the FIRST time last halloween, thanks to Uncle Steevie. It was better than the first two put together!!

Harsh Times
Harsh Times(2006)

I think this is the movie that Michael Moore meant to make bringing up very serious concerns regaring gun safety.

We Are Marshall

It takes a true visionary, like McG, to fully empower audiences in the face of such dire tragedy.

Runaway Jury
Runaway Jury(2003)

I'd have to check Wikipedia to verify this, but I believe that every single movie adapted from a John Grisham novel is utterly terrible.

Beaches
Beaches(1988)

Ask me again how I feel about this movie when I get to be a forty-something woman.

Psycho
Psycho(1960)

How can I resist a cross-dressing Anthony Perkins? Not to mention that this was the movie that canonized so many camera shots.

Go
Go(1999)

I read that this is "The Greatest Movie of All Time." I checked around, and it turns out that it is totally true.

Catch and Release

I do not know what was going on in this movie. First it was all wicked sad. And then all of these people turned out to be crazy. And the situations became more and more and more awkward. For a love story, this movie was crazy convoluted.

The Descent
The Descent(2006)

I wonder if any of the writers or filmmakers had ever actually gone into a cave? My guess is no. I cannot believe that these women became unhinged so quickly. I cannot believe how easily the monsters were killed. And I cannot believe that people are still trying to re-make Night of the Living Dead. It was already made once, really well.

Holes
Holes(2003)

Fun and quirky with a good soundtrack. Of course I may just be saying that because it features 2 Eels songs.

Almost Famous

At least that Cameron Crowe can put together a good soundtrack.

The Iron Giant
½

Great comic book movie! Too bad it was never a comic. It should have been.

Cool Hand Luke

Every time I watch this movie, I love Paul Newman more, and more.

Star Wars: Clone Wars - Volume 2
½

Oh My God. First of all, there is actual sword fighting in this show? How is that possible, I didn't think sword fighting was allowed in Star Wars stuff! Second of all, how come all the Jedis and Sith are so incredible? What happened between the cartoon and the movies that they all turned into jig-sticks?

Grizzly Man
Grizzly Man(2005)
½

This is proof that clinically delusional people walk the streets. I'm not sure who is more insane, the dead Grizzly Man, or the director?

Rashômon
Rashômon(1951)

Yes, this movie is slow. It has been re-hashed a hundred times. And yet it is so picturesque and ellegant.

Deliverance
Deliverance(1972)

I think that this is the role that really defined Burt Reynolds as a sensitive actor.

Equilibrium
Equilibrium(2002)

The sci-fi story is ridiculous. The gun-fu is absurd. The matrix knock-off sets make me sad. This movie is not good.

Straw Dogs
Straw Dogs(1971)

I have to say it, this movie features my favorite rape scene from a movie. This fim is wicked raw. Plus, who knew a nerd could inflect THAT kind of damage?

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
½

This movie is the most terrifying movie I have ever watched. Hands Down. No Jokes or Sarcasm,

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

If Batman and SUperman did a team up movie, this would be it. They would become cowboy bank robbers and move to Bolivia. Honest.

Thank You for Smoking
½

The script was amazing, and Aaron Eckhardt was tits! I just wish they had hired an actual cinematographer. The camera work in this movie looked like it was done by an intern.

In the Company of Men

This sublte love story really accentuates the elaborate balance that needs to be struck between two people in a relationship. I find this movie inspiring!

Being There
Being There(1979)

Probably my favortie movie of Peter Sellers. This is the one that seems the funniest and ironic at the same time.

El Mariachi
El Mariachi(1993)
½

Anything that Robert Rodriguez makes is okay with me. Especially a movie like this one, which involves gangsters being killed by a musician. That's poetry.

High Fidelity

I am tempted to hate this movie because all of my ex-girlfriends tell me that this movie is all about me and my geek friends. At the same time, I love the dialogue in this film too much to hate it.

Audition (Ôdishon)

There is nothing quite as beautiful as a woman who really gives herself over to what she enjoys!

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
½

If nothing else, I like this movie because it gave Hollywood Jason Statham. Thank You, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrells.

Superman
Superman(1978)

Yes. I am a comic nerd. And no, I don't care about Superman. Not even this superman. Sorry.

Yojimbo
Yojimbo(1961)

This movie looks great, it is a fantastic story, and it is about samurai gansters. What more could you posibly ask for?

True Romance
True Romance(1993)

Any movie where Brad Pitt plays a crazy person is a mvoie that I am willing to watch again, and again, and again.

Twelve Monkeys (12 Monkeys)

Any movie where Brad Pitt plays a crazy person is a mvoie that I am willing to watch again, and again, and again. Plus, it's nice to watch it and remember what Terry Gilliam used to be capable of making.

Fight Club
Fight Club(1999)
½

Any movie where Brad Pitt plays a crazy person is a mvoie that I am willing to watch again, and again, and again.

Snatch
Snatch(2001)

Any movie where Brad Pitt plays a crazy person is a mvoie that I am willing to watch again, and again, and again.

Shaolin Soccer

Funny. Not great. The special effects are pretty dodgy. But funny.

The Sting
The Sting(1973)

The great grandfather of modern day con films. I love this movie.

Raising Arizona

As far as I am concerned, this is Nicholas Cage at his best. Stupid and funny. Not to mention that I laugh harder at this movie than anything else the Cohn Brothers have done.

Open Your Eyes (Abre los Ojos)

This movie is filled with smart and subtle nuances that the Cameron Crowe reamke completely ignores. I very much prefer the original.

Sideways
Sideways(2004)

I knew during the scene where the main actor stole money from his mother that I wasn't going to like this film. I hated both characters. I thought they were sad and depraved human beings. And I kept hoping they would be kidnapped and raped by hairy truckers.

Little Miss Sunshine

Steve Carrell did a fantastic job portraying depression in this movie. Very quirky. Very touching. Very Sad.

Schindler's List

You know what? I acknowledge that the holocaust was real. And terrible. At the same time, this movie made me wish I had been incinerated. There are some things I don't want to watch. ESPECIALLY if they are real!

RoboCop
RoboCop(1987)

As far as sci-fi films go, this one is kinda fun. It has a fair amount of gritty violence, and robotics. Too bad the story is so ridiculous.

Cidade de Deus (City of God)

I get it. Other countries are scary. Kids are killers. Blah, blah, blah. This movie isn't based on a ture story any more than Fargo is based on a true story. Seriously.

Toy Story 2
Toy Story 2(1999)
½

I think I may have liked this movie even more than the first one.

Clay Pigeons
Clay Pigeons(1998)

Vince Vaughn is the creepiest friendly guy I have seen in this film. All the while I can still laugh at him and his hijinks. Good Stuff.

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane
½

Raunchy and funny and distinctly 1990. It is everything I love to watch, and pray that I never have to re-live.

Wedding Crashers

The back and forth comraderie between Wilson and Vaughn is absolutely perfect in this movie. I'm never sure who I'm rooting for more.

Idle Hands
Idle Hands(1999)

For the record, this is the only movie that I thought Jessica Alba was actually hot in. That aside, this horror movie is one of the most enjoyable horror films I've seen. I think the only horror movie that is more fun would be Shaun Of The Dead. Maybe Troll 2.

Fantastic Four

First of all, this movie has one of the most sexiest bloody noses I have ever experienced in a movie. Secondly, this movie, starring the amazing Chris Evans, is a true testament to zany! If you want to watch a movie about true wacky antics, watch the Fantastic Four!

Cellular
Cellular(2004)
½

First of all, this movie has one of the most gratifying pistol-whippings I have ever experienced in a movie. Secondly, this movie, starring the amazing Chris Evans, is a true testament to heroism! If you want to watch a movie about true heroics, watch Cellular!

Mute Witness
Mute Witness(1995)

A fantastic, and suspenseful, thriller all about a mute woman who witnesses a crime. This film is on par with some of Hitchcock's better work.

Jacob's Ladder

One of the creepiest movies that I have seen. Filled with visuals that are disturbing, and one of my favorite horror movies.

Tremors
Tremors(1990)

No, no, no. Here is the rule. "Natural Disaster movies are a bad idea. Unless it stars Bruce Willis and features one Aeorosmith song played over seventeen times." Wait a second, Wikipedia says that giant carnivorous earth worms aren't a natural disaster after all. Never mind.

Twister
Twister(1996)

No, no, no. Here is the rule. "Natural Disaster movies are a bad idea. Unless it stars Bruce Willis and features one Aeorosmith song played over seventeen times."

The Day After Tomorrow

No, no, no. Here is the rule. "Natural Disaster movies are a bad idea. Unless it stars Bruce Willis and features one Aeorosmith song played over seventeen times."

Volcano
Volcano(1997)

No, no, no. Here is the rule. "Natural Disaster movies are a bad idea. Unless it stars Bruce Willis and features one Aeorosmith song played over seventeen times."

The Flintstones
½

Wait, Halle Berry was in this movie? Seriously? Who did she play, Dino?

Drop Dead Fred

This deeply philosophical film about each of our own tendancies to create roadblocks and be self-destructive is really a cautionary tale for all ages.

Bandits
Bandits(2001)

I wonder if something happened while they were filiming this movie. Something like the screenwriter died, and they replaced him with someone who didn't know the actual story. Seriously, this movie is all kinds of crazy. Thank god the actors are all amazing.

Jet Li's Fearless (Huo Yuan Jia) (Legend of a Fighter)
½

I haven't seen kung fu action like this since Warriors of Virtue! Hey, wait, both movies were directed by Ronny Yu. It all makes sense now!

Freedomland
Freedomland(2006)

As much as I like a good tale of racial profiling and child abuse, I thought this movie was stupid.

Dune
Dune(1984)
½

If this movie is the paradigm of a sci-fi masterpiece, then I am pretty sure that I don't like sci-fi films. This movie is boring, and ridiculous. What's with the heavy-handed matriarchal crap in this movie? Where is the father? Where are the politics of the world? Honestly.

Tank Girl
Tank Girl(1995)
½

For starters, I love Lori Petty in this movie! Also this is, hands down, the greatest portrayal of ninja style fighting kangaroos that I have ever seen. The only other movie that even comes close is the Roos from Warriors of Virtue.

Warriors of Virtue
½

This is, hands down, the greatest portrayal of ninja style fighting kangaroos that I have ever seen. The only other movie that even comes close is the Roos from Tank Girl.

Rocky IV
Rocky IV(1985)

I take particular exception to this movie. Not only is it a worse clone of the other scripts, but the camera work is abysmal in this film. Of particular note is the extreme zoom in on the marquee ending on nothing. An extreme zoom ending on NOTHING!! Someone got paid all kinds of money to shoot that, and some editor left it that way. I would love to give this movie ZERO stars, to reflect the NOTHING that was the focus of that zoom!

Rocky
Rocky(1976)

Have you ever seen a kid pull the legs of a bug? That's how I feel about the Rocky franchise. The very first time, I was like, "Awww, little fella, you shouldn't be doing that!" But it was kind of fascinating. And I watched with apt curiousity. After that I just got more and more angry at the ignorance!

Super Mario Bros.

Now this is a mvoie I can get behind. WAY before Dr. Uwe Boll was ruining video games by bringing them to the silver screen, came The Super Mario Bros.! The only thing I feel I need to highlight is the amazing performance of Dennis Hopper as King Kuppa. Quite possibly the most insidious villain ever to grace the movie screen!

Rocky II
Rocky II(1979)

Have you ever seen a kid pull the legs of a bug? That's how I feel about the Rocky franchise. The very first time, I was like, "Awww, little fella, you shouldn't be doing that!" But it was kind of fascinating. And I watched with apt curiousity. After that I just got more and more angry at the ignorance!

Rocky III
Rocky III(1982)

Have you ever seen a kid pull the legs of a bug? That's how I feel about the Rocky franchise. The very first time, I was like, "Awww, little fella, you shouldn't be doing that!" But it was kind of fascinating. And I watched with apt curiousity. After that I just got more and more angry at the ignorance!

Rocky V
Rocky V(1990)

Have you ever seen a kid pull the legs of a bug? That's how I feel about the Rocky franchise. The very first time, I was like, "Awww, little fella, you shouldn't be doing that!" But it was kind of fascinating. And I watched with apt curiousity. After that I just got more and more angry at the ignorance!

Predator
Predator(1987)

For a movie filled with action stars and a truck FULL of guns, this is a seriously boring movie. Are all the Predators so boring? Why do I have to watch an hour of jungle footage before the confrontation really starts? Seriously.

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
½

The elaborate intriquacies of this plot were just too much for me to keep up with. There were so many characters, and I didn't feel like they were all given proper introductions or development. Not to mention that I may just not be smart enough to understand the humor.

You Can't Take It With You
½

Despite being a little preachy, this movie is heart-warming and fantastic.

Clerks
Clerks(2001)

I think I like the animated series more than Clerks 1 and 2 put together. It is hilarious, which would explain why it only lasted a few episodes on the air.

Princess Mononoke (Mononoke-hime)
½

For whatever reason, this is my least favorite of Miyazzaki's movies. It is move dark and gruesome, (which I ordinarily like). I think it is a little too heavy on mythology for me. Still, it is a solid, good looking movie.

Clerks
Clerks(1994)
½

I have to respect what Kevin Smith did here. Even thought the movie is clunky, and Kevin Smith cannot direct, he is the man.

Meet the Robinsons

This movie was a little weak on the story, but the one liners and fun totally compensated. And a perfect cameo by Tom Selleck. The time travel element helped too.

Sanjuro (Tsubaki Sanjûrô)

Not as much fun as Yojimbo, this sequel still beats in the skulls of almost every other smurai movie. Of course, Kurosawa presents a beautifully photographed adventure.

The Muppet Movie

Filled with goodness, morals, and fun. This is one of for musicals that I actually really enjoy watching. I think it helps that it has a 'whatever' in it.

Blow Dry
Blow Dry(2001)

Teen Heart-throb Josh Hartnett and Rachel Leigh Cook in the same movie?! How is this even possible? I guess I have the British to thank. Thanks British.

Lucky Number Slevin
½

This movie was Aces! It is like a high concept con movie, mixed with the best kind of action film. The mix makes a better, stronger film. It also helps that Teen Heart-throb Josh Hartnett is a hit man.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
½

Not only was this movie filled with action and violence, it had amazing dialogue. I also go weak in the knees for contemporary stuff that heavily refrences the old crime and noir movies!

The Lake House

This movie got me with the relationship between the two main actors. Even though the ending was horse, I still loved the look of this movie and the locations.

Shooter
Shooter(2007)

All I heard about this movie was how it butchered the book's ending. All I have to say is, "Who Cares!" This movie was what all three Bourne movies are trying to be. Only this actually works.

Hollywood Homicide
½

This movie is utterly ridiculous. And that's why I love it! Teen Heart-throb Joh Hartnett is hilarious as the confused Detective K.C. Calden. And Harrison Ford is as angry and crazy as ever!

Eurotrip
Eurotrip(2003)

I'm not sure why I am so forgiving of this ridiculous comedy. For whatever reason, I like it everytime I watch it. As a result, I watch it a fair amount.

10 Things I Hate About You

Yes, I love this film. It's does a nice job of making fun of everything, while still creating characters that I cared about.

The Mexican
The Mexican(2001)

Brad Pitt can't win for trying in this movie. And I love watching him try, and try, and try.

Million Dollar Baby

First of all, why is every movie about Clint Eastwood all about Clint Eastwood? Is he really that much of an egomaniac? And could this movie be any more pretentious, or less about boxing? I am having a hard time imagining anything that could have been added to the script that would have made me more upset.

Ocean's Eleven

The only thing that the Rat Pack ever did for me, was give George Clooney an excuse to remake their worthless Vegas film. Thank you, George Clooney.

Stick It
Stick It(2006)
½

Sappy and funny! What a great combo. Filled with witty dialogue and hot chicks doing gymnastics. Two of my favorite things.

Three Kings
Three Kings(1999)

Often misinterpreted as a remake of Kelly's Heroes, this film is actually a touching heart-felt drama set in post Saddam Iraq.

Transporter 2

Obviously this movie is stupid. But how can anyone argue against a scantily clad blonde firing two guns at the man who is killing everyone else? Honestly?

Kelly's Heroes
½

Ordinarily I hate war movies. But, seeing as this is actually more of a treasure hunting movie, I don't mind admitting that I think it is great.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

This is one of four musicals that I actually like. Go figure.

Resident Evil

I just wish this movie had more killing. Yep, that's right, even more!

It's a Wonderful Life

"Don't beat me, GEorge! I didn't mean to- Please, Don't beat me!" I mean, c'mon! How can you not love a movie where good hearted George Bailey beats his own uncle!

The Sandlot
The Sandlot(1993)

I have heard that this is the greatest sports movie of my generation. I'm still confused about what that means, but I do like the movie.

The Sound of Music

Um, what could possible ruin a movie about nazis? Oh yeah, that's right, nearly three hours of nun singing. If I want nun singing, I would have stayed catholic!

Ferris Bueller's Day Off
½

Every time I try not to like this movie I realize that he'll keep calling me. He'll keep calling me. Making me feel guilty. I'll go.

National Lampoon's Vacation

I probably watched this movie 60 dozen times growing up. I can't explain it, but it never stopped being funny to me.

A Sound of Thunder

This is my #2 on my list of the worst movie made. I understand that there were budget issues, and studio problems. At the same time, there are scenes in this movie that are lit with only two mag lights. Literally two mag lights provide all the light for an entire scene.

Collateral Damage

Somehow the production crew that does all of Jean Claude Van Damme's straight to video masterpieces got ahold of Arnold. And this movie was the result. Rest assured, even with Arnold, this movie still blows.

A Lot Like Love

This movie is literally WHEN HARRY MET SALLY for a new generation. On the one hand I felt cheated because it wasn't as good as WHEN HARRY MET SALLY. On the other hand, Amanda Peet is way hotter than Meg Ryan. So, there ya go. (Also, Ashton Kutcher is hotter than Billy Crystal)

Alone in the Dark

This is IT! My #1 worst movie ever made. The story is ridiculously convoluted and bad. The performances are jarringly horrible. The special effects are not good. And the pacing made cerebral fluid leak out of my ear. I know I have said it before, but now I REALLY mean it. How do I give a movie ZERO STARS?!?

Eraser
Eraser(1996)

It's a movie about guns that shoot through walls. How can you not love that?

Elizabethtown

Man! Jessica Biel was in this movie? I don't even remember her! Maybe it was because I was so distracted by the engrossing soundtrack.

Jersey Girl
Jersey Girl(2004)

It was this movie that finally helped me realize that Kevin Smith can only write dialogue for men. Even his women have distinct dialogue only capable of being said by a man. Somehow Liv Tyler pulls of all that manly dialogue.

Herbie: Fully Loaded

I'll go see any movie that had a budget spike in order to digitally reduce the size of Lindsay Lohan's breasts.

Cliffhanger
Cliffhanger(1993)

It would help a lot if this movie actually had anything to do with rock climbing. Since it doesn't, I'm left wondering why they even set it up on a rock-faced filled mountain? You know?

Wicker Park
Wicker Park(2004)
½

This movie is sort of creepy, and really captivating at the same time. That coupled with the worst trailer ever made puts this movie square into the A-Okay column with me.

Timeline
Timeline(2003)

I'm not sure, but I think that any movie based on a Michael Crichton novel is destined to be horrible. Hang on while I verify that with my Magic Eight Ball. Um. . . "All Signs Point To Yes." There you have it.

Basic Instinct 2

Do I even need to say anything about this movie? Seriously? We all knew it was going to be bad, and we watched it out of some nostalgia for the first Basic Instinct. Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong!

Taxi
Taxi(2004)

Wicked Hot Models driving cars like they're Zoe Bell? I'm sold.

The Punisher
The Punisher(2004)
½

I liked this movie. I think that Thomas Jane was fantastic. The story was okay. And it was killing with a sense of fun.

Flipper
Flipper(1996)

I know this movie is no good, but I cannot resist the dolphin. He's just so cute.

Event Horizon

I hear from people all the time that Paul W.S. Anderson is a sci-fi movie making genius. Then I watch Event Horizon, and I laugh myself til I piss.

Snake Eyes
Snake Eyes(1998)

This is NOT Brian DePalma's best work. In fact, I would argue it is one of his worst movies. I do partly lay the blame on Nicolas Cage, but even he can only mess something up SO BAD, you know?

Benny & Joon
Benny & Joon(1993)

Who doesn't love a slightly retarded Johnny Depp? Honestly? I know I do.

A History of Violence

Compared to the comic book, of the same title, this movie is crap. David Cronenberg has to get all creepy-gross with everything he does. Seriously, he should just see a therapist. At the same time, this movie is filled with gratuitous violence and fun.

Smokey and the Bandit

If nothing else, I have to give this movie props for the stylish moustache worn by Burt Reynolds. Thanks to this movie, Jason Lee sports a similar moustache on My Name Is Earl. And I find that amusing.

Star Trek Generations

For my money,this is the worst Star Trek movie that has been made to date. Keep in mind that I wrote this before the Star Trek Prequel came out.

The Ladykillers

I won't lie, this movie does not hold a candle to the original, of the same title. At the same time, I do love the Coen Brothers, and this rendition does have a fair amount of fun in it.

Arthur and the Invisibles (Arthur and the Minimoys)
½

Fun, fun, fun. Yeah, the dubbed language track is a little odd. And the voices they cast are not perfect. The animation is still really good, and the story is fun.

Going the Distance
½

This Canadian made film, which was picked up for distribution by the National Lampoon people, was surprisingly fun. I cared about the characters, and laughed out loud a few times.

The Shaggy Dog

I'm a fan of the old Disney original. Maybe it was that, or maybe this movie really did suck. Either way, I say to thee, Stupid.

Joe Somebody
Joe Somebody(2001)

Any movie that has Patrick Warburton in it has to be good. I swear. No, really, it's true. Check Wikipedia if you don't believe me.

Serenity
Serenity(2005)

I have never liked a Joss Whedon project. Nope, not even Titan A.E.! But somehow Firefly and Serenity captivate and entertain and move me.

Blades of Glory
½

This movie caught me by surprise. I found myself laughing often and frequently. Everytime I was annoyed by Will Ferrell, Jon Heder jumped in, and vice versa.

Dogma
Dogma(1999)
½

Any movie that makes fun of the Catholic church is okay with me.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

This movie was unbalanced, and obviously a set up for the third film. I hate story that unveils dozens of plot hooks, and then goes no where with any of them. And the insulting kick to the groin that buried this movie, in my opinion, was the complete lack of decent sword fighting. Acrobatic flips DO NOT make a sword fight. Didn't George Lucas prove that?

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
½

Okay. This movie was fun, and the sword fighting wasn't terrible. I liked the balance of action and humor, and enjoyed the entire film.

Keeping Mum
Keeping Mum(2006)

This movie wasn't brilliant, but it was funny. That coupled with a little gratuitous nudity in the first fifteen minutes totally sold me.

Tideland
Tideland(2006)

First of all, any time the director appears before the movie to explain the movie, it is a bad sign. Second of all, the point where I was praying that the main little girl was JUST going to have sex with the retarded 30 year old, it was a really bad sign. Times like these make me wish for a zero star rating.

The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning

I didn't think that they were allowed to make a Dukes movie without serious stunt driving. Apparently I was wrong.

Shortbus
Shortbus(2006)

If you want to see a man go down on himself, then this movie is a must see!

Blood Diamond
½

I totally expected to hate this movie. It had all the earmarks of a pretentious human rights film. Instead it was captivating, and very well written. Not to mention Leo running around like a bad mother!

Turistas (Paradise Lost)

I've been to the third world. Multiple times. They're WAY to poor and disorganized to pull off a sceme like this. Although I do appreciate Hollywood's attempt to solidfy in everyone's minds that other countries are scary.

Curse of the Golden Flower

I'm pretty sure the producers of this film made this movie to win a bet. Someone bet them that Chinese women have no breasts. And this movie was their response. I have NEVER seen so much Chinese cleavage. NEVER! What I wished I had seen in this movie was some actual sword fighting. I swear they added sword fighting in the trailer, that was cut from the movie.

Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (Van Wilder 2)

I live off bad comedys. But there is a line, and this movie crossed it about 150 times. Poor Kal Penn. Poor, poor Kal Penn.

Happy Feet
Happy Feet(2006)

Can someone please explain to me why a tap dancing penguin would get re-released into the wild? I thought those kinds of freaks were the heart of Sea World. Oh wait, that's right, this whole movie made no sense. And it's a musical? I hate musicals.

The Pursuit of Happyness

You know, this movie really made me feel sorry for the little kid. If he didn't grow up with serious issues, than the Nature vs Nurture arguement is officially solved. Not to mention how wicked depressing this movie was to me. Where is the upbeat moral? Where is the prententious message that anyone can achieve anything? A forty word epilogue printed on the screen is supposed to make me feel good about all the horrible crap that happens to this guy? Really?

The Last King of Scotland

Barbet Schroder did a documentary starring the actual man, General Idi Amin Dada. It is funnier and more terrifying and, obviously, more real than this film. Screw this film, just watch the documentary.

10 Items or Less

Paz Vega IS hot. And Morgan Freeman is quirky fun. And yet this 70 minute movie still left me checking my watch every 40 seconds. Bad sign.

Caffeine
Caffeine(2007)

This must have been my week for terrible movies. This movie tried so hard to be Empire Records. And failed with gusto. Don't watch it.

Code Name: The Cleaner

I now understand why this movie was only in the theatres for a week. Because it was dumb. Really dumb. Know why spy movies feature spies? It might be because janitors who think they are spies don't actually have any action scenes.

Déjà Vu
Déjà Vu(2006)

Oh Boy! I love Tony Scott and I love Time Travel Movies! And yet this movie still was a huge disappointment. The time travel was ridiculous and inconsistent within it's own set parameters. And the story was just stupid. This movie was mostly a bunch of guys in a room watching a movie. I should have video taped the crowd in the theatre I watched it in, and then marketed it as Deja Vu 2.

Walking Tall: Lone Justice

Seriously? This movie shouldn't have been made. I like Kevin Sorbo more than the next guy, but he clearly needs to be more selective in his choice of rolls. No Good comes from reprising a Joe Don Baker roll from the 70s. Seriously, it's like a Universal Truth. You can double check that on Wikipedia.

Dreamgirls
Dreamgirls(2006)

I really hate musicals and bio-pics. Why I decided to sit through this Musical Bio-Pic I have no idea.

Next
Next(2007)

This movie was not as terrible as I thought. It actually stuck to a lot of the themes from the short story, and it was thought provoking.

Waterworld
Waterworld(1995)

Dennis "king Kuppa" Hopper as an oil baron villain. What more needs to be said?

Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (Kaze no tani no Naushika)

Even with the heavy handed pretentious message that this movie carries, it is awesome.

Ghost World
Ghost World(2001)

I have heard the arguement that this is the greatest comic book movie that had been made. I don't think I disagree.

Galaxy Quest
Galaxy Quest(1999)

As a card carrying nerd, this movie makes fun of me and my culture in all the right ways.

Popeye
Popeye(1980)

This is the only Robert Altman film that I like watching. I want all you movie snobs out there to think about that.

Willow
Willow(1988)

I know this movie is really just Star Wars in a fantasy setting. Given that, I still think it's better than all 6 star wars movies put together. First of all, it is a FANTASY SETTING! Second of all, it has way better sword fighting.

Return to Oz
Return to Oz(1985)
½

This Disney film left me weeping as a small child because of the way that it captures the terrifying elements of the Oz books.

Spirited Away
½

Not only does this movie look amazing, but it has the kind of heart that Dsiney films wish they had. I love Miyazaki.

My Neighbor Totoro

This is an excellent fairy tale. Good for all ages, and filled with heart and fun.

The Little Mermaid

I would like this movie a lot more if I hadn't spent every day over the summer of 8th grade listening to my sister and her friends sing the songs.

I, Robot
I, Robot(2004)

Obviously this movie butchers the story that it is based on. Fortunately I had so much fun watching Will Smith run around with his sassy mouth that I didn't care.

The Fifth Element

Okay. I admit that Bruce Willis does not play the usual apathetic murdering cop in this movie. Despite that fact, this is a beautiful sci-fi film filled with great fight scenes. I guess the bottom line is I just want to see Bruce killing people.

Back to the Future Part II

I do love the Back to the Future trilogy. I know it is kind of dumb, and the time travel mechanics make no sense. None of that matters in the face of a time travelling delorean.

Parenthood
Parenthood(1989)
½

That Steve Martin is a-OK in my book. At least he would be, if I had a book.

Hot Fuzz
Hot Fuzz(2007)
½

I had high expectations for this movie, and they were met. This action fiml is quirky and funny and heart-warming. Not to mention the dozens of audio cues and camera cues to other action movies! Where else can you see homages to Sam Peckinpah and Michael Bay in the same scene?

Shaun of the Dead
½

The funniest hard core horror movie I have seen. The gore was awesome! The refrences to other horror staples were mind boggling. And this is one of five movies that I enjoy as much with commentary as without!

Flicka
Flicka(2006)

This movie hurt me. My brain hurt, my eyes hurt, and my soul hurt. Tim McGraw was the stiffest actor I have ever seen. And the story was too overly dramatic. Nothing in life should merit the kind of drama that these characters expound. Nothing. Certainly not a rogue stallion horse! How do I rank ZERO stars?

A Knight's Tale

My friend has a long rant about this movie being the turning point in American Cinema. The combination of Hollywood period films with a Queen soundtrack and the disturbing 20th century refrences mark this as the decline of movies. I agree, but I still love Alan Tudyk.

Bowling for Columbine

Man. It sure is a good thing that Michael Moore is around to explain how the biased media slants our perception. HEY WAIT! Isn't he doing the same thing?

Grumpy Old Men

I love Walter Matthau. May he rest in piece.

Ocean's Eleven

"Blah, blah, blah, the Rat Pack is awesome." I'll probably be murdered for writing this, but the Rat Pack is NOT AWESOME. The whole cast is obviously drunk through this whole movie. They had the studio pay for them to take a vacation to vegas. The only good thing I have to say about this movie is that it paved the way for the re-make.

The Last Boy Scout
½

I'm pretty sure Burce Willis plays the same apathetic murdering cop in every movie. In this film he does it exceedingly well. Plus this movie is funny on top of being bloody action packed.

Looney Tunes: Back in Action

This movie is STUPID! And that's why I love it.

Nick of Time
Nick of Time(1995)

How can you go wrong with a mvoie starring Johnny Depp & Christopher Walken? I'm not sure, but this film did it.

The Great Mouse Detective

Hands down my favorite Disney animated film. It has all the quirky fun of a Disney animated feature, plus it is a Sherlock Holmes homage.

Wild Hogs
Wild Hogs(2007)
½

Funny. I thought I would hate this movie, but it had some solid moments.

The Astronaut's Wife

Not only is Johnny Depp an alien, but he's here to mess with Chalize Theron and then have sex with her. Is that the movie's plot or real life?

The Fog
The Fog(2005)

The original THE FOG was one of the creepiest low budget horror movies I had seen. This recreation, which John Carpenter WAS involved with, falls way short. Short of creepy. Short of good.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

I don't care what anyone says, this movie is nothing more than a Star Trek film. And I HATE Star Trek.

Striptease
Striptease(1996)

How can a movie about strippers be so lame? I don't get it.

United 93
United 93(2006)

What? A conspiracy theory movie? I love conspiracy theory movies! Especially the ones that prove the Bush Administration blew up the two towers!!

The 6th Day
The 6th Day(2000)

This was a bad movie, even by Arnold Schwarzenegger standards.

Dracula 2000
Dracula 2000(2000)
½

Heh! This is the movie that proves that Dracula is really Jesus!

Insomnia
Insomnia(2002)
½

Man, this would have been a great movie, if it weren't a poor remake of the Norwegian film. The Norwegian film is in color and IN ENGLISH! Just watch that.

The Thomas Crown Affair

The score in this movie thrills me everytime I watch it.

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid

Really? There are people who review this movie? That's funny to me.

Basic Instinct

I don't care how edgy this movie is, or what kind of nudity is in it. I still hate the characters and don't care about the story.

Enemy of the State
½

What? A conspiracy theory movie? And Will Smith is in it? Okay, I'm sold.

Wimbledon
Wimbledon(2004)
½

I hate Tennis, Sports Movies, and Kirsten Dunst. Despite all that hate, I thought this movie was charming, funny and captivating.

National Lampoon's European Vacation

I never knew, until this very minute, that this film was directed by Amy Heckerling. That would help explain why I love this movie the most out of all the National Lampoon's Vacations.

Billy Elliot
Billy Elliot(2000)
½

I couldn't help myself, I had to root for Billy Elliot.

Constantine
Constantine(2005)

Let me be clear, I love the three comic story arcs that this movie badly adapts. I love the character. I even maginally love Keanu Reeves. Not even all of that love kept me from wishing this movie had never existed.

Underworld: Evolution

Okay. I know this movie looks fun. And, YES, Kate Beckinsdale IS hot! But when the stupid quotient expotentially outweights the hottness plus fun, there is a problem.

I Know What You Did Last Summer

Can someone tell me how to give a movie ZERO stars?

The Pacifier
The Pacifier(2005)

The fight scenes were lame, the story was lame, and the jokes were lame.

Die Hard
Die Hard(1988)
½

Every time I watch this movie I expect to like it less that the first time I saw it. And everytime, this movie gets better and better. I am hard pressed to think of a more quintessentially satisfying action movie.

The Legend of Zorro
½

Sowrd fighting was not as good in this sequel, but the acrobatic fighting was a lot of fun.

Men in Black II
½

Yep, still funny.

Employee of the Month
½

A very cookie cutter script, done in a mediocre Hollywood style, filled with actors I thought I loved. Obviously I did not love them enough for them to redeem this movie.

House of Wax
House of Wax(2005)
½

Elisha Culthbert, in a DVD special feature, talks about how they really super glued her lips together for a scene in this movie. That is very cool dedication.

Matilda
Matilda(1996)

Any movie where children read even when they are discouraged, is a good movie. Plus all the antics and magic work out nicely.

Saving Private Ryan

What can I say, I hate war movies. So, sue me.

Big Fat Liar
Big Fat Liar(2002)

It's just fun. If you don't believe me, fine. But you should still watch it, because it is the only chance to see ACADAMY AWARD WINNER Paul Giamatti dyed blue. True Story my friends.

Team America: World Police
½

Thank you Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I often hate you, but I love what you do.

Freddy vs. Jason
½

I love Ronny Yu, and I still didn't love this movie. How many people does Freddy kill? What? Only one!? How scary is that?

Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins(1964)

I'll watch this movie, even though there is singing and dancing.

Good Will Hunting
½

I will give this movie extra love just because of the Acadamy Award speech Damon & Affleck gave.

Reign of Fire
½

It is sad that the most exciting scene in this movie is the part where Christian Bale is re-telling Star Wars to a bunch of children.

Slither
Slither(2006)

Here is my rule: Any movie written by James Gunn is brilliant. If you add Nathan Fillion to the mix it spikes off the charts.

Boogeyman
Boogeyman(2005)

I swear this story was exactly like an episode of the old Real Ghostbusters saturday morning cartoon. Only not as scary.

All The King's Men

Why does Hollywood insist on remaking good movies? There are so many bad movies that could stand to be re-made.

Zathura
Zathura(2005)

To say that this movie is JUMANJI in space is like saying that the SPY KIDS movies are just JAMES BOND films with kids. This movie is hilarious with great special effects. Plus it is probably the finest performance by Dax Shepard to date.

First Knight
First Knight(1995)

So, how do I leave a movie ZERO stars?

Miami Vice
Miami Vice(2006)

Somehow I remembered there being more action and less drugs in the TV show. Maybe it was just me.

The Wicker Man

Wow! If I were Neil LaBute, I would also pretend I didn't direct this film. Do yourself a favor, just watch the original. I kept hoping that a police gunship would show up and the end of this movie and shoot me!

Halloween - The Curse of Michael Myers (Halloween 6)

Does anyone know how to give a movie ZERO stars?

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Adding a muslim bodyguard to the Robin Hood mythos was brilliant! Thank You Kevin Costner!

Bulletproof Monk
½

Here is my rule: Any movie that has Chow Yun-Fat flying through the air firing two guns at once is a fantastic movie!

The Thin Red Line

Did you know that war is hell? This movie told me.

Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams

I will watch anything that Robert Rodriguez does. And for all you haters of the Spy Kids franchise, just remember that these movies made SIN CITY 1 & 2 possible.

Superman III
Superman III(1983)

Hey! It's the Richard Pryor Movie co-staring Christopher Reeve. Any Superman movie that gives Richard Pryor more screen time that Superman is A-OK in my book.

The Machinist

I have no idea what is going on in this movie, but I love seeing Christian Bale's spleen. And ribs. And kidneys. And lungs. And every other internal organ.

White Noise
White Noise(2005)
½

Wait, just for a second. Are you telling me that evil ghosts use white noise to help Michael Keaton save people? Maybe they aren't evil at all, just bi-polar.

True Lies
True Lies(1994)

This movie is totally worth a watch just to see little Eliza Dushku dangled on the edge of a plane. Brilliant. Plus it is really funny!

Six Days, Seven Nights

Before this movie, I thought Harrison Ford could do no wrong.

The Devil's Advocate

Here is my rule: Any movie where Al Pacino plays Satan is a bad movie. I don't care who gets naked in this film, it is bad.

GoldenEye
GoldenEye(1995)

Remember, back in the day, when James Bond actually knew how to do spy work? Those were the days.

Weird Science

As a nerd, I am legally required to like this film.