TheBlackKnight's Movie Ratings - Rotten Tomatoes

Movie Ratings and Reviews

Warcraft
Warcraft(2016)

Two hours of great animation with little or no story to speak of. Blizzard has made a great job of building the fantasy world of Azeroth and its lore, why not use it more? Warcraft the movie is Dungeons & Dragons with a higher budget but no spark. I expect one or two sequels. Also, sexy orcs are sexy.

Children of the Corn
½

What the hell did I just watch? Note to self; never leave your gun in the car when exploring an abandoned city.

Kindergarten Cop

Arnold had to take kissing-lessons for this movie.

Twilight
Twilight(2008)

F**king horrible

Event Horizon
½

One of the best space horror movies out there.

Pathfinder
Pathfinder(2007)

The Vikings didn't look like orcs...

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Bad, but still slightly less sucky than the first one.

Uncle Buck
Uncle Buck(1989)

Did not laugh once during this embarrassing attempt at humor.

Last Templar
Last Templar(2009)

Horrible book-to-film adaption. Made for TV?

Inception
Inception(2010)



Ever had the feeling that you're not sure if you're still dreaming when you wake up?

Now we know why; that there could be people hooking up to your subconscious trying to steal your secrets.

Awesome special effects, outstanding sound, interesting characters and an original storyline makes me rate this 5/5 - and I don't even like DiCaprio!

Star Trek
Star Trek(2009)
½

This is how remakes are supposed to be made!

Spock: You are, in fact, the Mr. Scott who postulated the theory of transwarp beaming?
Scotty: That's what I'm talkin' about! How do you think I wound up here? Had a little debate with my instructor on relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel. He seemed to think that the range of transporting something like a... like a grapefruit was limited to about 100 miles. I told him that I could not only beam a grapefruit from one planet to the adjacent planet in the same system - which is easy, by the way - I could do it with a life form. So, I tested it out on Admiral Archer's prized beagle.
Kirk: Wait, I know that dog. What happened to it?
Scotty: I'll tell you when it reappears... Ahem. I don't know, I do feel guilty about that...

The only movie ever made that is simultaneously a sequel, prequel, and reboot...

V for Vendetta
½

"Remember, remember the Fifth of November
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot
I know of no reason
Why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot."



Great movie, great cast, based on a graphic novel by Alan Moore and David Lloyd. Set in a near future it's not very hard to draw the parallels to our world of today. It's quite controversial as it somewhat glorifies terrorism. I'm a sucker for anti-heroes and Hugo Weaving does a great performance - especially since you never see his face.

When you're done with this you should watch Fight Club and Watchmen ;)

28 Days Later

Great debut for Cillian Murphy.

Scary Movie
Scary Movie(2000)

I've never walked out of the cinema but this was close.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Best one of the PotC movies, and has one of the best character introductions ever:

The Ring
The Ring(2002)

Not as good as the original.

The Matrix
The Matrix(1999)

This movie set a new standard in so many areas, will provide a real review sometime.

War of the Worlds

Good up until...

SPOILER

...you see the aliens.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

Can anyone honestly say they liked this one?

Bruce Almighty

Almost as bad as the sequel.

Shrek 2
Shrek 2(2004)

Saw this one at Vue in Edinburgh :3

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
½

The least sucky of the "new" movies.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Not sure what I was watching the entire time. I usually have a hard time with Michael Cera - and his performance in this movie was about the same as usual, will he ever get a role as something else than a shy, awkward, skinny guy? On the plus side there is the fact that this movie probably is one of a kind and if you're deaf all the sound effects on screen (in text) will come in handy. The game references made me chuckle a little and the fighting sequences were pretty good. On a last note; I haven't read the comic so I had no idea what to expect.

Cheaper by the Dozen 2

Predictable but somewhat adorable family comedy.

Big LOL moment when I spotted Taylor Lautner anno 2005.

Machete
Machete(2010)
½

I expected Danny Trejo kicking ass. I got Rodriguez and Alba trying and failing to act.

It was all right but disappointing.

Dawn of the Dead
½

Running zombies, that's what I'm talking about.

Splice
Splice(2010)

Neither Adrien Brody or Sarah Polley are very good as scientists and I don't feel they are very comfortable in their roles. Bad casting? Perhaps. Effects are allright but the story as a whole is pretty predictable.

Predators
Predators(2010)

Better than expected and Adrien Brody is surprisingly good as a badass mercenary.

Aliens
Aliens(1986)

The best movie in the series and one of "those" sequels that in some ways are better than the first movie.

Ellen Ripley's escape pod is found after drifting through space in cryostasis for 57 years. A hearing is held since she's the sole survivor of the crew of the USS Nostromo.

Dune
Dune(2002)
½

Great re-imagining of the 1984 original!

Children of Dune

When Flixster realized this was a TV miniseries it was made no longer searchable. "NOT A MOVIE, NOT A MOVIE!"

Under Paul "Muad'Dib" Atreides' rule as Emperor, the planet Arrakis has enjoyed a renaissance. However, the revolution that Muad'dib inspired has transformed into a brutal jihad that has plunged all of humanity into a bitter, neverending cycle of interstellar war.

Now a conspiracy on Arrakis threatens to rob Muad'Dib of his throne and his life. The future of all of humanity might well rest in the hands of Muad'dib's young, vulnerable heirs ? Leto II and his sister, Ghanima. Idealistic young Leto, however, fiercely resists his destiny as a force for sweeping changes, both on Arrakis and in the universe at large.

Unfortunately, the time for Leto to take action is drawing near, and friends and enemies are difficult to tell apart on Arrakis, where the only thing more precious than water is the Spice, a substance found only on Arrakis that makes possible interstellar space travel; extends life; and enables people who ingest it to have clairvoyant visions of distant places and of the future.

With the rule of Arrakis and the freedom of all humanity hanging in the balance, Leto must risk sacrificing his own humanity in order to save those who would see him destroyed.

Cast:
http://www.flixster.com/actor/alec-newman
http://www.flixster.com/actor/julie-cox
http://www.flixster.com/actor/edward-atterton
http://www.flixster.com/actor/ian-mcneice
http://www.flixster.com/actor/steven-berkoff
http://www.flixster.com/actor/daniela-amavia
http://www.flixster.com/actor/james-mcavoy
http://www.flixster.com/actor/jessica-brooks
http://www.flixster.com/actor/rik-young
http://www.flixster.com/actor/and-susan-sarandon

Movie poster:
http://www.flixster.com/servlet/embed/photo/link/11173068

Emmy award:
NEW YORK (Sept. 15, 2003) The SCI FI original miniseries Frank Herbert's Children of Dune has won this year's Emmy Award for "Outstanding Special Visual Effects for a Miniseries, Movie or Special."

Official site:
http://www.scifi.com/dune/

Caligula
Caligula(1979)

Don't watch this if you think HOB's "Rome" was depraved and decadent.

And why would you want the "edited" version? :D!

1492: Conquest of Paradise

This movie has one of the best sound effects of all time. Fast forward to where they are about to cross a river and you'll see what I mean.

10,000 B.C.
10,000 B.C.(2008)

As many times before Roland Emerich has made a turkey of epic proportions. The script is stupid at best and full of inconsistencies.

Still, it's an OK adventure movie if you can see past the gaping holes in the script. I have after all seen worse movies!

The following list was shamelessly copied from IMDB, Flixster's older, smarter sister.

SPOLIER WARNING!

1. When you walk down a tundra mountain, you'll end up in a rainforest. When you go a little further, you'll end up in the desert.

2. Dinosaurs did not become extinct, they were turned into giant birds instead.*

3. There is no difference between the palaeolithic period, the neolithic period and ancient Egypt, it's all the same and existed simultaneously.

4. It only takes a few fagg0ts with long fingernails to enslave thousands of tribal warriors.

5. When you throw a spear to a god-king from a long distance, he will make no attempt to dodge, nor will any of his associates drag him to safety.

6. When your enemies threaten to kill your love, rush towards them screaming, they will be too confused to do anything to her.

7. When someone abducts you on his horse, stab him in the kidneys, but make sure he has no bow hidden somewhere when you walk away from him.

8. Female tribal shamans had telepathic connections to other girls and could use them to transfer life energy.

9. The first handcuffs were made from wood, not from metal.

10. A trapped, wounded and hungry sabertooth tiger is perfectly reasonable: He will acknowledge any attempt to save his life, he will be grateful for being set free and will not eat you, he will even show up later to help you.

11. When you witness 1 man take on and defeat the (long nailed) leader and an army of an entire civilization, go ahead and try to make a break for it with his girl. You'll probably get away with it.

12. When you abduct the hero's girl on your horse, make sure to tie her up properly (for speed's sake use your practical wooden handcuffs), so she cannot stab you in the kidneys.

13. Falling off a galloping horse to stony floor is not dangerous at all and will not harm you.

14. Being stabbed in your kidneys does not cause intense pain, you'll still be able to take out your bow and fire an arrow within seconds.

15. Mammoths come with a build-in hero-safety gene, they will never step on a hero, so it's perfectly safe for him to run into their herd.

16. If you kill the 'god' that is enslaving thousands of people to build a pyramid for him, apparently they'll finish building it anyways.

17. Blind people used to live in the ground.

18. There were only 2 women in those days. One old bag, one plain Jane.

19. Sticks (spears) used to be all the rage in the fashion world.

20. Mammoths are just brown elephants.

21. Thowing a guy 30 feet off the side of a pyramid will kill him instantly.

22. Mammoths could run! (They surely stole this from George of the Jungle)... (Elephants can only walk, not run... and we've already learned that mammoths were just brown elephants)

Fire and Ice
Fire and Ice(1983)

Fire and Ice has some very nice animation - the characters move very lifelike thanks to the rotoscoping technique used.

Could have been a 4 out of 5 star movie if it weren't for the simplistic story and poor/silly voice acting.

Also: Nekron might be the gayest villain out there.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand - The Complete First Season

Again, Flixster pulled this off the searches, because it's not a movie. Boo!

Without a doubt the most badass TV series recently. Extremely violent and a lot of nudity (male fans of Xena the Warrior Princess will probably like this). Recommended for fans of the original Spartacus, 300, Gladiator and ROME (TV series from HBO).The plot: The Romans hire a group of Thraceans* to aid in a campaign against barbarians** in exchange for Rome helping the Thraceans in eradicating a rival tribe.The Roman legions led by Legatus Claudius Glaber (Craig Parker) betray the Thraceans, leaving their village exposed to an attack by the enemy. There's a mutiny and the Thracean group abandon the Romans to go back and defend their village only to find it completely destroyed.One unnamed Thracean (Andy Whitfield) is lucky enough to find his wife (Erin Cummings) alive and they take off to start fresh somewhere else far away. After a passionate night (there are lots of these in this show) they wake up to the sound of horses - the Romans have found them. The woman is dragged away to slavery and the man is pinned down to face the commander of the Roman forces; Glaber - who doesn't take lightly on deserters.
Cast in chains our protagonist is shipped to Capua, in Italy to face the consequences for his betrayal towards Rome, public execution by Gladiators in the Arena. As a mockery he is given the name Spartacus, after a famous Thracean king of past. Against all odds Spartacus survives against four trained Gladiators and receives a pardon from the death sentence, but is instead sold to Gnaeus Cornelius Lentulus Batiatus (John Hannah, mostly known as the comical sidekick from The Mummy franchise) to be trained in his Ludus****.
Over the course of 13 episodes of the first season we follow the drama within the Ludus, as well as the backstabbing and politics of Capua. Even though the story is driven by massive use of violence and sex there's still plenty of room for plot twisters etc.*) Thrace was an area in what we today call Bulgaria, Wikipedia article: Thrace**) anyone who wasn't a part of the Roman empire was a "barbarian" according to Rome***) a city north of modern day Naples****) a Gladiator Academy

Watchmen
Watchmen(2009)

Not blown away by the comic, but still - can't go wrong with anti-heroes!



Update 090829: now that I've finally seen it I can only say they have followed the comic very closely, and it is as good as it is weird. It does demand a lot of the viewer, which might explain why people find it "boring" and "too long". Might add a more detailed review later.

Will give it a 5/5 to compensate for all the dull-minded people who gave it a low rating because they expected a Marvel-movie.

Battlestar Galactica

The world's BEST sci-fi is surprisingly not very sci-fi at all!

From the opening:

The Cylons were created by Man.

They were the product of a desire to make life easier on the planet Kobol.

At first, they were simple robots. Toys. Conversation pieces at parties for the rich and trendy.

The Cylons became more advanced. Began to work the mines. Do the hard and dangerous work Man no longer wished to do.

And when the people of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol decided to war against each other, the Cylons began to do their fighting and killing for them too.

The Cylons were the greatest soldiers the planet had ever seen. Smart. Fast. Deadly. They made decisions without waiting for orders.

And then the day came when the Cylons decided to kill their masters.

The Twelve Colonies rallied together for the first time in centuries. Betrayed by their own technology, they fought the Cylons with weapons that didn't rely on computers.

After a long and bloody struggle, the war finally ended. An armistice was declared. The Cylons left Kobol for another world to call their own.

A remote space station was built where Cylon and Human could meet and maintain diplomatic relations. Every month, the Colonials send an officer.

The Cylons send no one. No one has seen or heard from the Cylons in over forty years.

Until now...

Stardust
Stardust(2007)



I don't give out five star ratings easily, but this one was a given. One of the best movies - if not THE best movie - I've seen during the year. It's like "Willow goes steampunk" and it works for an audience of all ages. Some movie critics have blamed it for being too predictable and linear, I however do not share this opinion. It's a fairytale; it's supposed to have some certain elements common for this genre.

Dune
Dune(1984)



Would be really interesting to see what had happened if this movie hadn't fallen in the shade of *some other* sci-fi movies of the early 80's. The story is good even though it didn't adapt well onto the silver screen. I recommend that you watch the 2000 re-imagining http://www.flixster.com/movie/dune2000

The Thing
The Thing(1982)



I love this movie right down to the cheesy special effects and the "final boss". Few movies capture paranoia and fear like this one! Are you an alien? Am I? Do I want to know? Easy 5/5

Gladiator
Gladiator(2000)
½

«Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?»Even though the storyline is extremely simple; betrayal - fall from grace - fighting for freedom - revenge, master director Ridley Scott steers clear of most Hollywood pitfalls, making Gladiator a modern epic.«The general who became a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an emperor. Striking story! But now, the people want to know how the story ends. Only a famous death will do. And what could be more glorious than to challenge the Emperor himself in the great arena?»Joaquin Phoenix makes an excellent performance as the truly evil and backstabbing coward Emperor Commodus - thus making it onto my list of favourite bad guys.«Listen to me. Learn from me. I was not the best because I killed quickly. I was the best because the crowd loved me. Win the crowd and you will win your freedom. »Proximo - Maximus' mentor of sorts - was Oliver Reeds final role. RIP.Needless to say this is a must see for everyone who enjoys spectacular photography, well coreographed battle sequences and movies like Braveheart and Spartacus.

Alien
Alien(1979)
½

Dallas: [looks at a pen being dissolved by alien's body fluid] I haven't seen anything like that except, uh, molecular acid.
Brett: It must be using it for blood.
Parker: It's got a wonderful defense mechanism. You don't dare kill it.

Braveheart
Braveheart(1995)

"Lower your flags and march straight back to England, stopping at every home you pass by to beg forgiveness for a hundred years of theft, rape, and murder. Do that and your men shall live. Do it not, and every one of you will die today."
--William Wallace

I must have been 16 or 17 when this came out and it had a huge impact on me. It even inspired me to take a trip to Scotland after I graduated.



The story if you haven't guessed it already takes place in Scotland in the 13th century. At a young William's father is killed fighting the English and he is raised by his strange uncle Argyle. When he later returns, a grown man, people don't recognize him at first. Not even his childhood friend Hamish, that is until he gets a hard reminder with a stone to the forehead; they threw stones at sheep's skulls when they were young.



It is a hard time in Scotland, as a tyrant named Edward I "the Longshanks" rules Britain. As a plan to breed out the Scots he re-installs an ancient custom; "Prima Noctis", meaning that the Lord of each province has the right to take every newly married bride in his land to his own bed on the first night. By this time, William has reunited with a girl from his past; Murron, and they get married in a secret ceremony.



Williams plans to live his life in peace as a farmer are quickly shattered when a group of English soldiers tries to rape Murron. He kills the Englishmen and flees the village, but Murron is captured and executed in public to make a statement what happens when you oppose the English Crown. From this point on William no longer cares what happens and he starts an uprising effectively wiping out the English garrison. Rumor travels quickly that a man named William Wallace has started a rebellion and men from all over Scotland haste to join with him.



This movie has some great battle scenes, an epic soundtrack and excellent performances by all actors. The speech to the troops by Wallace is already considered a classic cinema moment. It was the first movie I got on Blu-Ray, along with The Fifth Element and I found it suiting to make this my first "new" review after my account was accidentally wiped.



"Not the archers. My scouts tell me their archers are miles away and no threat to us. Arrows cost money. Use up the Irish. The dead cost nothing."
--Edward the Longshanks