babyinametalsuit's Movie Ratings - Rotten Tomatoes

Movie Ratings and Reviews

Where the Wild Things Are

The fact that they are making this movie is of tremendous importance to me. I have planned for roughly half my life to make this movie, so if they screw it up I might die, or I might be relieved because I can make a remake. Alternatively if it is awesome I might be like "sweet!" or I might be like "crap!" because then I can't remake it. My life is wrought with dilemmas.

WHAT?!?!?!? WHAT?????? WHAT HAPPENED?????? WHAT?!?!?!?!

Spike Jonze just friggin jumped on the face part of my head, on purpose. What does he think this is, a Terrence Malick movie? THIS IS WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE. GET WITH THE PROGRAM. And what the crap Karen O.? Way to drop the ball. I felt like I was watching a transmogrified version of rebel without a cause where everybody gets replaced with monster versions of themselves except James Dean who just gets smaller and trades in his red jacket for pajamas with ears. There's a difference between being childish and being childlike, and there's a difference between being overwhelmed by cruelty and being overwhelmed by every little problem. I don't know exactly how to say it, but the movie was not honest to the experience of being overwhelmed, hurt, or alone, and certainly not to what alternatives a child would create in order to cope. And soft, woeful, background indie rock is not wild, and when you were a kid you did not sit around ruminating lazily... you ruminated hard. Whatever, I'm not trying to tell you how you ruminated when you were a kid, I'm just saying this movie lacked a bassline, had no screaming solos, and hardly even had a riff. I don't really know what a riff is, but this movie sure didn't teach me, did it?

It made me really sad that I couldn't love this movie.

The Fly
The Fly(1986)

This movie was exasperating. The tragedy of our own twisted physical nature betraying our intentions is a basic human struggle and can be conveyed so powerfully through visual storytelling, and this movie decided instead to have Jeff Goldblum run around in a meat suit and act cranky. It really ceased to be compelling as soon as he began his descent into an overly-intense, pimply, decomposing jerk. A remake could be awesome, the premise is awesome, I just was not very moved. The first part of the movie was incredible though.

Ong Bak 2
Ong Bak 2(2009)

It was cool, but mostly it just sets up the next movie in the series. As usual with Tony Jaa movies, it was a train-wreck as far as acting, script, plot, character development, or anything else goes, but the martial arts were insane. If you're into kung fu movies Ong Bak 2 is like a fully charged hadouken to the solar plexus! WHOA!

The Hangover
The Hangover(2009)

I'm not really a huge fan of most mainstream comedies, mostly because all they're good for is laughs and I basically got laughs comin out my ears already. This movie, however, is pretty gosh darned good! The opening credits were insane, and Zach Galifianakis was hysterical, and seriously this is probably the best cinematographized straight-up comedy I've ever seen.


This movie looks insane. I am going crazy in anticipation. I'm mad about "Moon!" I'M A LUNATIC FOR LUNAR LUNACY

This movie was really good, but could have been so much better! When faced with the crazy stuff that Sam is faced with there are certain ways in which people would react, and in a movie that is so intensely psychological its important to be accurate about junk like that. And many of the scenes were sort of the editing process was left out altogether. In any case, for its ideas and themes and imagery alone it is far better than most of the movies you'll ever see, so I recommend it fo sho.

Saturday Night Fever

It's easy to see why this movie was such a big hit, but I disliked it for the same reason I dislike many gangster movies: I just can't relate! There is a point where meatheadedness ceases to be endearing, and Tony Manero hustles right past it and then ignites the dance floor and all that disco razzmatazz...

JCVD (Van Dammage)

I watched this movie with subtitles that I'm pretty sure where from another movie. I'm still not sure if I actually understood the plot but regardless it was pretty good.

Death Race 2000

Word on the street is this movie is royally awesome. They're remaking it too so it must be good. Plus, I mean, who in their right mind could possibly second guess a movie with the title DEATH RACE 2000?!?! Probably No One!

I am slowly beginning to realize that when a movie is considered a "cult" classic that often means that it is far worse than a prefix-less classic, and even oftener that it just plain blows. This is a movie that is so bad it is still bad.


This is some old school sci-fi romance from back when character development and high concept plots needed no justification. It was happening, the synthesizers where blaring, and gosh darn it, you were gonna like it. But this movie actually is pretty fun. Movie aliens are almost always fun, just like in real life. This movie also features glowing attack ball-bearings and a 1977 Mustang GT, as well as a killer theme song and at least two scenes of the Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction" being played/sung, so it comes highly recommended.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

This one was mediocre, more of a prologue for the next ones. One of the Harry Potter movies was amazing but I can't remember which. This isn't it.

The New World

It's like a million hours of whats-her-face and whats-his-name nuzzling and frolicking in the forest. It's actually a great movie, but I prefer my music rock and roll, and my movie with a bit more pep. Malick is like the Eno of movies, for all you friggin' chowderhead intellectuals out there. For us regular people that means his stuff can be REALLY good but most of the time is just very slow and relaxing.

Inglourious Basterds

I left the theater tonight feeling like I had just been told where to find a billion dollars in buried treasure. I was laughing like a maniac, I had to hide around corners until I could control my face so I wouldn't get stared at for walking around beaming like an idiot. This movie is a celebration of movies, a celebration of cinema vengeance, a celebration of art, of history, of mankind, of life! I'm serious! It was everything the audience wanted and at the same time recognized that we only wanted it because of terrible things, it was revenge that recognized how actual revenge is poisonous... it was friggin' sweet. Tarantino, if nothing else, is a man who understands what a film can be to those who have their eyes open. Clearly he makes his movies for everyone, but his credits, his dialogue, his cuts, and especially his soundtrack feel much more like a direct address than anything else. Despite all my hyperbole it really is rare for me to love a movie, but this one I would marry in a second, and I would even make concessions about my tux.

The Last Starfighter

The Last Starfighter has tons going for it, but like a politician, it is very old and very silly. It is ripe for a remake. The idea and the classic 80's themes are fun as always but it's sort of a one note song and to be really enjoyable the special effects would have to live up to the premise. Even as old as it is it could have looked better and been better overall. But hey, its about video games and spaceships. You win some you lose some.

District 9
District 9(2009)


...Peter Jackson?

District 9 is the closest thing I have seen to a perfect movie in a long time, and maybe ever. To say so much and to show such perfect images with so little extra baggage or overblown exposition requires both a clearly defined and highly refined idea of what a movie should and could be and what insight a movie can provide that no headline or textbook could ever clearly show. And I'm not just talking about laser guns or giant bugs. The movie brings such emotional weight to the characters without ever straining to show you why you should care, the action ignites immediately and before you can sense the direction of the film it has gotten there. There were no trick scenes or gimmicks to escape formula, just perfectly timed scenes where, even if you could tell what was going to happen, it was happening by the time you figured it out and over before you were ready and the entire time it was so engrossingly shot and scored and paced that you didn't realize any of that was going on. It is a movie that does what only the best art can do. It provides a lens through which our world can be seen a little bit more clearly by telling us the story of a man turning into a giant bug who wears a robot suit and has a ridiculous accent. THIS IS ART PEOPLE


Ponyo is one of the few movies that you can watch and feel like everything in your life has just been addressed simply and beautifully. It is a movie that so perfectly and purely captures the beauty of life and the value of life it is hard to believe so few people in the U.S. are aware of Studio Ghibli's movies. If you enjoy art in almost any capacity or have any ability to feel you really should watch it. To see unadulterated love and unadulterated art and someone with such an unadulterated love for ham and all sorts of unadulterated stuff is a rare joy and a real kick in the pants.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Pffff this movie was bad. Anyone who's not a noodle-brain would know that from the trailers but I went to see it anyway on a lark and man, it was a fun lark. Sometimes seeing a movie like this is refreshing. It reminds you that not everything needs to make sense or be even halfway decent, sometimes you can just go out and watch a movie where ice is heavier than water and people can blow up anything with lasers if they want because the world is not all about Healthcare Reform and Economic Recessions and Project Runway. Life is about Cobra, and defeating them even if there are nanobots in your girlfriend's brain.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen


This movie was really really really bad. But I saw it on an IMAX screen and all I really cared about was the giant robot fights, and because there was probably an hour or longer of that occurring I really liked it a lot. They totally screwed up Ironhide's voice though, he sounds like a brittle old English scholar which is not at all similar to a giant robotic alien warrior guy. Whatever details are for weaklings and babies.


This is one of those rare occasion in which I am forced to call into question my powers of taste...eration. What I mean to say is, this is a movie that I know I should love, but for whatever reason I could never really get emotionally involved in the story. My brain was like YES but my body was like eh. I realize the story and the storytelling are both complex and nobody is supposed to be like "oh man that Kit guy is so cool man I wanna be just like him" and that part of the point is to produce some sort of ambivalence but even with that in mind I wasn't really able to hop on board. I suppose its just difficult to be moved by a film that reveals so little about the things I am familiar with... whatevs, it was good, check it out fo sho.

Bram Stoker's Dracula

What this movie lacks in good storytelling it more than makes up for in good old fashioned cinematic bone-chilling imagery. Blood was always gushing all over the place and people were always freaking out and saying stuff in Latin and the music was always becoming dark and foreboding, etc., etc., etc. While most of the cast is pretty mediocre, Gary Oldman and Anthony Hopkins both lend so much weight and believability to their roles it makes the entire second half of the movie very enjoyable. Those freaky vampire babes were pretty freaky too, and Tom Waits unsurprisingly plays a great insect-eating madman, but, like I said, the storytelling itself and a fair amount of the acting is pretty shady. If you're up for some old school vampire goodness then I recommend it, but it's not exactly essential viewing.

The Proposition

Crikey this movie was brutal. And I mean more in the way the story was told than the story itself, although neither were a tiptoe through the tulips. I think I would have liked it better if there had been something to like, or if there had ever been any doubt in my mind about what was going to happen. It wasn't bad though, and if you're sick of seeing mindless junk this ought a cure you like a good shrimp on the barby.

In Bruges
In Bruges(2008)

Let's start this review off right: Clémence Poésy is a BABE. Having said that, the rest of the movie is pretty good too. It's hysterical, first of all, with some of the best comedic dialogue I have heard in forever. It also has some impressively genuine acting, which really surprised me, and makes me suddenly realize how much movies lose when they do not capitalize on good acting and an emotionally real story. Anywho, "In Bruges" is surprisingly heartfelt, super friggin hilarious, and just a box o' fun all around.


"Passable." "Not horrible." "Entertaining." These are all descriptions of "Bolt" that are highly accurate. This was a movie that had huge potential that went totally ignored. For whatever reason, morons who get paid to say what children will like have made the equivalent of artistic applesauce. The movie is sweet and sugary and pretty good and goes down easy but you're not gonna name your kids after it unless you're a celebrity, catch my drift? But it gets worse.

This movie, once upon a time, was tentatively called "American Dog", and would have been a popular culture phenomenon. A director named Chris Sanders was going to make a movie about a dog lost in the throes of a showbiz-induced existential crisis, a one-eyed cat with no home to call its own, and a giant radioactive rabbit transformed by nuclear testing trying to find their place in a world defined by surreal tragedy and the type of loneliness and introspection that only a Dennis Hopper painting could accurately describe. Seriously the art design was based on the works of Dennis Hopper. The idea was to make a movie that would move animation, art, and entertainment in a direction that it has never gone before, in a way that would have been breathtakingly beautiful. Instead we got "Bolt."

Bringing Out the Dead

The emotional redemption Frank is looking for occurs, but there is no point at which I really felt it. In a movie that speaks to the emotional and psychological pressure that is created by a senseless and chaotic world, it is important to lead from that very real problem to some form of solution or catharsis (yes!), but if it happens I toootally missed it. Also I felt like Scorcese just went crazy with the time-lapse montages here, which is saying a lot if you know how crazy I get over time-lapse montages.

Anyway, if for the poetry-in-motion/Ode to New York/lights flickering in the darkness thing alone, I highly recommend Bringing Out the Dead.


So I saw the new trailer for "UP" and let me tell you what: it looks FANTASTIC. I am relieved and overjoyed to think that finally there are movies being made that are pushing creative boundaries in a culturally significant way.

Update: Pixar makes the best movies ever made. It was not as funny as it should have or could have been, and overall not Pixar's best, but certainly near it. There were several scenes that were so perfect they made me angry with the rest of humanity for failing so completely to be loving and kind and funny, when a simple movie could be so genuine and beautiful. The ideas behind the story and the themes within it are so powerful and universal if you have half a heart or, like, a quarter of a brain this movie should affect you profoundly, if only while you are watching it.

From Dusk Till Dawn

Thank goodness we live in a world where movies like this exist. I'm not saying its anything more than gratuitous violence, sexual objectification, and unnecessary gore, because that's all it is, but still, we wouldn't be here if the planet wasn't covered in dirt, mud, and the rotting corpses of deceased animals playing their role in the circle of life. Getting a little too philosophical for you? Me too I'm going to bed.

Ghost World
Ghost World(2001)

I have tried and tried to write a review of this movie that is coherent and accurately explains how terrible it is, and all I end up with is paragraph after paragraph of wild babbling that ends in profanity. It is a terrible movie. It is an exercise in lazy film-making. It celebrates everything I hate, and everything that is wrong with modern society.

Terminator Salvation

Is there such a thing as too many Terminator movies? NO. THE ANSWER IS NO. But seriously, we better quit making these movies before the digital editing equipment gets any ideas. Friggin' technology you know? Lasers and jib. Bad news man, bad juju.

UPDATE: Ah McG, McG, McG. You would think with a name like that the man could do no wrong. That's the lesson here folks, never judge a book by it's cover, especially when it's cover just says "McG." You would think that with such an indefatigable (YEAH THAT'S RIGHT INDEFATIGABLE) premise it would be impossible for even a director of such pedigree to screw up a movie about robots trying to kill everyone, but folks, I'm here to tell you, it's been done! The movie was neither rock and roll, nor an operatic tour-de-force, but one of those really whiny pseudo-metal songs where they have chorale backing in a lousy 2,000,000 bpm whimper of a song. What I'm saying here is it was way too self-important and lengthy to be this bad at action and robo-terror.

The acting was pretty bad, the script was sickening, the action was downright boring, the terminators wore bandannas on their heads (!?!?!?!), the art direction and costumes were horrible, and the movie couldn't decide if it was The Road Warrior, Resident Evil, or Charlie's Angels: The Robot Connection. What really gets my goat, however, is that the "Terminator" story (or "mythology" if you want to go straight nerd) is not mindless. Like other great science fiction it has such potential artistically and philosophically, not to mention explosionistically. What could have been relevant in theme and jaw-dropping in spectacle was turned into a pile of rubble, which also happens to be basically the main character of the movie.

And in closing, CG Schwarzenegger looked stupid but the T-800 was the turtle's legwarmers. Also those cartoon-like grenade rounds on The Bale-inator's forearm literally caused me to break into loud, raucous, guffaws... I can picture it now:

McG: "No, no, no, we need these rounds to be HUGE! They have to look like they could blow up a tank!"

Prop Guy: "Uuhhhh, we could just use these high-explosive anti-tank round replicas, right?"


Let the Right One In

Let the Right One in is one of those movies that, if you watch it under the right circumstances, you will never forget. It is both haunting and beautiful. It also does something that movies rarely achieve in blending the visual advantages of film with a certain amount of vagueness that a book provides. It leaves enough to the imagination to make the story both much sweeter and more terrifying than it would be if it were more intense or explicit.

The only thing that keeps this from being one of my favorites is the total disregard for human life that the film itself shows. Certainly from the perspective of some of the characters people are like cattle and their deaths are nothing to worry about, but for a movie that is otherwise so sensitive to human feeling to be so matter of fact about lots of innocent people being slaughtered seems double-standardary. Oskar too never really has any sort of believable reaction to the considerable grisliness, which, like an itch you just can't scratch, is bothersome.

Basically there is no point at which there is a moral resolution to the story, and it is very much a story that is concerned with morality. Aside from that it's awesome. Oh yeah and that scene where the lady comes out of the hospital looking for Eli was awesome I was like "OH SNAP."

Oh and I almost forgot: the whole bloody-mouthed kiss thing? TOTALLY GROSS. THAT WAS THAT FAT GUY'S BLOOD. BLEEECHHH

A Beautiful Mind

If I remember correctly this movie is overwhelmingly mediocre. It's one of those drama-heavy pseudo-biopic movies where nothing that has anything to do with anything happens. It's like one of those "Here, look at this guys!" movies. Although math is cool.

Quantum of Solace

What happens when the James Bond Franchise starts taking itself seriously? AWESOMENESS.

Quantum of Solace was pretty cool, although the story was a little bit roughly hewn, know what I'm sayin'? It also could have used a little more James Bond-ey slickness and style, although it wasn't too disappointing at all. Opening credits were the bees knees too.

The Spirit
The Spirit(2008)

FRANK MILLER the creator of SIN CITY presents a FRANK MILLER film in the style of SIN CITY by FRANK MILLER that is reminiscent of SIN CITY by FRANK MILLER. SIN CITY. FRANK MILLER. Seriously though, I wish Frank Miller and all his buddies would quit making entire movies on one greenscreened sound stage. This movie is still going to be awesome. If you don't know who The Spirit is, he's pretty much the Jimmy Stewart of superheroes, which is to say that he's old and awesome and wears a mask.

Update: Wow this movie was terrible. It was great in every way except the directing was TERRIBLE. Frank Miller should stick to creating original material and maybe screenwriting but definitely NOT directing. It was a fun movie and it definitely pandered to my tastes (visually intense, creative characterizations, shamelessly outlandish plot) but the pacing and line delivery and basically everything the director controls was pretty bad. Worth seeing, but not worth seeing twice.

Slumdog Millionaire

No wonder everybody has been going nuts about this movie: it's the bee's knees! It is difficult to make a romantic movie or a rags-to-riches movie in this cold-hearted cynical 21st century that isn't ridiculous or overly nostalgic, and that's what makes Slumdog Millionaire so unique. It's classic cinema folks!


Transsiberian is a relatively slick, suspenseful, and quality old school train murder-y thriller. It is definitely a good movie, but I can't really get all crazy about an old school train murder-y thriller so 2.5 out of 5 (THAT'S 50%) is what it gets.

Gran Torino
Gran Torino(2009)

Despite 'ole squinty eyes' tendency to lambast the audience with socio-political messages of the most boring kind, this movie looks boss.

Gran Torino has some great lines and a great story, but holy crap is some of the acting bad. It's a good movie, don't get me wrong, but every once in a while there's a scene that just completely unravels the cinematic sweater Eastwood is trying so hard to knit. That and the song at the end is mind-numbingly ridiculous.

Synecdoche, New York

I do not like Philip Seymour Hoffman because I think that he looks dishonest. Those shifty, beady little eyes, y'know?
On the other hand he is a great actor and my mind is nearly exploding with anticipation for this movie. So far everything I've seen that has had anything to do with Charlie Kaufman has been pretty amazing in pretty revelatory ways, both thematically and artistically and also hilariously. Just seeing the trailer for this already has me going nuts. The idea of a man building a miniaturized New York is already enough to cause me to be like whoa but add to that all this jibber jabber about life and purpose and perception and relationships and it becomes like when I was little and they told me I could eat as much pizza as I wanted... it's almost overwhelming.

Uhhhh here's the thing... this is a movie that has lost its way. YEAH YEAH YEAH I KNOW "that's the point." If we wanted to know that life is like this all we have to do is watch tv. Film is not about recreating reality, we can just enjoy the real thing if we wanted that. And while this message of futility is addressed, it is unnecessary... which is the message... which is unnecessary... which is the message... which is unnecessary... ...So that's pretty much the movie right there. It is essentially nihilistic, and the blurring of the chronology and the dampening of the major plot points and meshing of the play with reality would all be brilliant if they were tools to expand our views of the world or our emotional landscape or to reveal some aspect of life that would normally go unexamined, but they don't. And it's obvious Kaufman intended that, but if it is so easy to see how the movie itself goes nowhere then why make it? It does not even reflect on nihilism in the context of the rest of world! The endless drudgery and self indulgent self pity and lack of any sort of emotional anchor makes the movie feel like a big, pointless, miserable, intelligent, confused, aware, boring mess. Which... is the point... which is unnecessary... which is the point...

And having said all that I must also say that the movie is so much of a mental exercise that I may merely have missed the real message and gotten caught up in the dreary details... which was also the point...


Just remember, never doubt a panicky astrophysicist. Here's the thing, this movie is pretty much an old school sci-fi thriller with some finding meaning in life drama mixed in. The problem is both that this style of movie is pretty anachronistic and that the blending of the two major elements was a little rough. A lot of the plot movement was pretty mechanical, and while of course that wasn't the emphasis of the movie anyway it is always a burden to have to sit through dialogue and see events occur that are just bland exposition, especially if they are not even emotionally realistic. Alex Proyas can be a genius but it seems like he lacks discipline... we go from a scene with tremendous visual power to a slew of empty scenes that only have value within the context of the story. And equally as inconsistent was the visual presentation of the movie. While for the most part the cinematography, special effects, art design, and color palette was good, there were like a bazillion scenes where it was almost shoddy, which were made all the worse by a few scenes so masterfully realized they would completely capture your brain for the entire scene. And that is what good movie making is all about: capturing brains.

There's actually a lot more to be said about this movie, but I like the idea of ending a review with the phrase "capturing brains."

The Fountain
The Fountain(2006)

I like my sci-fi movies to be A. Coherent, B. Cool Looking, and C. Not Boring. This movie falls short on every one of the three C's. On the other hand, it boggles the mind and I can't get the eternal space-tree bubble thing out of my head... I think I need to see this again.

Definitely a thinker, definitely a movie that people should watch, if only for the 2001: A Space Odyssey-esque mind-bending-trip-through-eternity+love story thing.


NO WAY!!!!! You mean to tell me that actions can have unforeseen consequences?!?!?!'re trying to say that communication is a key element in human existence ?!?!! What's that? Everything is connected!?!?!?! WHAT!?!?! THIS IS MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously though, to make such an ugly movie with such an elementary message without going any further than providing hours of senseless exposition is a huge failure. This could be art, or at least entertainment. Babel fails at everything except overwhelming the critics with its self-importance. To ruminate on tragedy, what ifs, or even just a problem without thinking of triumph, what is, or the solution is to be a friggin idiot. In all seriousness though, to do so is senseless and does nothing to expand your view of the world, artistically or otherwise. Babel is an exercise in what a movie shouldn't be... or maybe more like a movie that never exercised at all and is just all flabby nonsense after years of slothfulness.

La Femme Nikita (Nikita)

The meat and potatoes of this movie are hearty, but the platter they are served on is a little crusty. That's pretty much "La Femme Nikita" in a nutshell.

Naw but seriously, the pacing of the movie and its dated soundtrack, look, etc. really undermine a movie that is otherwise poignant, STYLISH, and I daresay even beautiful.


Aside from the typical drawbacks of most anime and a colossally weird ending, Akira is an exceptionally cool and awesome looking movie. Stylistically and artistically it is a masterpiece, if you're into those sorts of things.

Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (Kaze no tani no Naushika)

This was pretty sweet I think, although I don't remember it very well since I saw back in my "wild college days." I do remember Nausicaa had a SWEET flying machine though.

UPDATE: Friggin A man, this movie is kickin. I forgot how rad this movie is. It's rad!


So every time I watch or read something that has had anything to do with Neil Gaiman I guess I can just expect to be totally lost. He uses symbolism in the same way that Michael Bay uses explosions: all the time and for almost no reason at all. The dialogue in this movie, as with all things Gaiman, is pretty fun and also makes almost no sense whatsoever. You know a movie has gone a little goofy when it becomes reassuring for a talking cat to show up, speak in riddles, and disappear behind random tree branches. But aside from disjointed dialogue, a total lack of relevance, a senseless plot, and a few poorly executed would be jokes, this movie was great.

While it sounds like I'm judging a movie by it's innards, really I'm not, because this movie's outards are AWESOME. The animation, even if poorly used for the less dramatic scenes, is so enjoyable to watch you wish the movie would sew buttons over your eyes and go on forever. The soundtrack and art direction and characterizations are all so perfectly put together it really puts a lot of other movies, animated or otherwise, to shame. And like I said, the inclusion of the talking cat really takes the edge off the more bewildering aspects of the movie, just like in real life.


Yes the movie is simple and the storytelling is cringingly broad, but still it's Liam Neeson with a particular set of skills, ya dig? He pops and locks like da maddest b-boy out there, and I'm not talking about breakdancing.

The Great Santini

With a little more artistry this movie could have been one of the greats. Unfortunately it feels a little bland and has aged terribly. The storytelling mechanics of this movie are so dated it renders what would have been powerful and moving kind of boring and uncomfortable. Still you can't judge a chicken by its feathers right?


Woody Allen + Science Fiction-y plot = good times.

This movie is awesome, if it didn't look so dated it would be one of my favorites. Ragtime music and futuristic dystopian hijinks are the bees knees!

Star Trek
Star Trek(2009)

WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS MOVIE. Seriously Star Trek is one of those things that is ripe with ideas but always came off as just really really, really, lame. This movie, on the other hand, looks INSANELY good. I think movie makers are beginning to realize what 21st century science fiction should look like. If it is anything like the trailer it will be truly incredible.

I sort of zoned out for the last quarter of the movie, but I know enough landlubbers to keep me busy going back to the theater for a while. Science Fiction as a genre is unique in its ability to redefine the physical rules that other genres are forced to obey. It can distill the ideas and themes that all forms of art address in a way that eliminates the overwhelming white noise of daily life and can provide much better and clearer arguments in ways that other genres cannot without being stupid. The problem is most sci-fi IS STILL REALLY STUPID.

The problem with this movie is luckily not that it looks stupid or is poorly made. It is that it fails to live up to its potential to reflect back on humanity, on human nature, and on all the other cool stuff like moral questions and jibber jabber in outer space that great art is obligated to do. So it is not "great art", which it could have been, but it is still AWESOME. One of the biggest problems with movies today is lack of recognition that movies are a primarily visual medium, and that to be a good movie it must therefore capitalize on its nature as a bunch of pictures moving really fast right in yo face. This movie is one of those proud few that TOTALLY does that and looks, therefore, friggin awesome and it is my new favorite and holy crap laser guns are awesome. Also I appreciate to an insanely immense degree several things about the movie that are a testament to Abrams' judgment and cinematic insight:
Actorial Continuity - The new actors ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE younger versions of the older actors, to a degree. This consistency is an amazing breath of fresh air and hold on a sec I gotta go eat before I finish this review I know I know the suspense is killing you...ok I'm back and basically what I'm trying to say is, at least for those who watch movies intelligently, having actors that at least vaguely resemble the previous incarnations of the character lends a great deal of weight, significance, and importance to the decisions and events that occur within the movie. Keeping in mind that there is a history and sort of heritage/destiny that the characters have to live up to makes the whole movie that much better as pop culture.
Overall visual consistency- Things in the movie strike a brilliant balance between looking technologically advanced, utilitarian, and representative of the purpose of the whole shebang. Having relatively simple, color-coded uniforms, a starship and bridge that have vintage designs but incredible "functional" details, and a more realistic approach to the technology and look of the whole fake universe they got goin there is all something that an incredible amount of movies miss completely.

SO ANYWAY the movie was good but not great, it looked awesome, and I still love Star Trek for its ideas and now special effects. There was a trailer for it that was better than the movie itself, but if I had a nickel for every time that was true I would have tons of nickels.

The Wrestler
The Wrestler(2008)

The first movie in a long time that completely drew me into the story and made me care deeply about the characters. This is basically what movies are about, what storytelling is about, and the means through which people interact with the world around them, so to be so enveloped and immersed in the fictional life of a fictional man after only a few minutes speaks volumes to Aronofsky's and Rourke's tremendous abilities. Everything about this movie is so close to perfection its unbelievable. It is essentially about finding purpose in life when life is a big ugly mess, which is an issue I'm just gonna venture on out there and guess is pretty relevant to, like, everybody. Randy the Ram finds this purpose in the end in doing what he loves for the people that love him. My only question is if this is really true, or not. It seems to me that there are greater purposes than just doing what you love for the people that love you... but maybe it is just the context of the story that makes me such a cold, calloused grinch. But back to how I really feel about it, and whether or not you should watch it. YEAH DUDE TOTALLY WATCH THIS FLICK. It is beautiful and poetic and meaningful in a way that very few things in this increasingly mangy world are.

Oh and Evan Rachel Wood is a TOTAL FOX.

P.S. I was an idiot. Of course that is what life is all about. It was the context that got me all noodle-brained. This movie is pure gold.

Dark City
Dark City(1998)

If movies were baseballs, this one would be one of those ones that gets hit so hard that the leather cover is blasted off, and then it ignites, and then it flies right through the scoreboard sending sparks everywhere, and then it goes soaring into the sky until it is completely out of sight at which point it emits a bright light and you hear a "ding" sound effect. THAT IS HOW GOOD THIS MOVIE IS. Usually the list of criticisms I have for a movie would, if filmed, take longer to view than the movie itself. Not so here buddy, it is just not so at all. In this case I have basically ONE criticism, so listen close: "They could have held off a bit on the goofyness." Now "goofyness" is a poorly defined artistic criticism, I know, but it is essentially the only applicable term in this case. What I mean is, tight close-ups of wrinkly and pale old men in full leather jumpsuits and capes staring maniacally ahead growling at the camera is not what I would typically consider quality cinema. In this case it is awesome and fun as a roller coaster ride through candyland but the atmosphere of the movie calls for something a little more austere I think. Otherwise Dark City is just totally great.

Punisher: War Zone

Alright, alright, alright, here's the thing: "Punisher: War Zone" is a terrible movie, with some truly great lighting and sound. It's so bad, I couldn't even pretend to be interested in the outcome, and the entire draw of the character and his hero/anti-hero thing he's got goin' there is just completely not at all present. Literally, the plot of the movie is so mechanical and boring its unbelievable. On the other hand, like I said, the lighting and sound and overall production values are really pretty impressive. "Lurid" IS a word you could use to describe the lighting, but I prefer "Intensely colorful and dazzling to the point of visual exhaustion and possibly nausea." And what's this hop-scotch blabbety-talk about "too much violence"? The movie is called "PUNISHER: WAR ZONE." This is not a movie for leaving bad guys WITH their limbs and heads and stuff, you should have been able to discern that from the title of the movie Mr. Sherlock and Mrs. Sherlockina Holmes!


RockNRolla was fun as junk, and that's pretty much all there is to say. While it's definitely not on par with Snatch or Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, it is definitely in the same ballpark with the same elements that made them so funky fresh.

Ghost in the Shell 2 - Innocence

Geez this movie was bad. Nothing at all like the first.

Ghost in the Shell

This movie is awesome. The gunfights are like individual animated works of art.


If they actually get decent casting and a director who is dedicated to the original it could be the greatest movie of all time.

Ok ok ok so here's the thing: this movie was awful. Seriously, it was just ridiculously terrible. My complaints have nothing to do with the comic book either, really. Although I find it to be one of the best moral parables of the last several hundred years, deviating from the original material is inherent in the transfer from one medium to another, so who gives a rip, y'know? Anyway here are a few complaints:
-First off, the look of the entire movie.
--Realism is the only atmosphere this story really works well in. Trying to make it "cooler" would, in this case, actually dramatically change the story and what the story is about. It also does NOT look "cooler." Virtually everything is just a poorly faked and extremely expensive prop, from the massive overuse of C.G.I. for almost all the exterior shots to the costume redesigns to the cinematography and color scheme. This is a terrible movie to use "studio painting style" filmmaking. It worked for 300 and Sin City, and did not at all for Watchmen. The faux-80's look was painfully noticeable and most of the characters, most obviously Dr. Manhattan and President Nixon, looked idiotic.
-Second, the casting.
--Aside from Night Owl and Rorschach, who were amazingly well chosen and well acted (sort of), virtually every character is like a cardboard cut out of their already 2D counterparts. The actors don't look the part, and didn't act the part.
-Third, the music queues (in specific) and the movie (in general).
--"LOLZ" is all I have to say to almost all the music queues (and music played a huge role in the movie), which is actually saying a lot because of what an unbelievably stupid cultural meme that series of letters has become. In broader terms, the movie was poorly made, and some scenes, such as Night Owl and Silk Spectre's "rendezvous in the clouds", were just so absolutely ridiculous I could not stop laughing in the theater. Arbitrary placement of incredibly gory violence next to terribly acted scenes of barely justified drama next to glowing blue C.G.I. genitalia is NOT a formula for success, dudes and chicks.

So anyway, there's my generalized 1,2,3, of why Watchmen was awful, and having said that I should also include that it has a few scenes of tremendous entertainment value that I really enjoyed. Specifically Rorschach's death was one of the most amazingly acted scenes I have ever seen in my life, no hyperbole whatsoever.

P.S. Seriously how did they think showing Dr. Manhattan's junk all the time was a good idea? Seriously!

Thunderbolt and Lightfoot

The title is all you need to know about this movie to understand that it is probably one of the best of all time.

Underworld: The Rise of the Lycans

Vampires vs. Werewolves. WITH SWORDS AND CASTLES. 5 stars.

Godzilla: Final Wars

My big complaint about this movie was, for being called GODZILLA: FINAL WARS it sure didn't have very much of Godzilla final warring. It should have been called FINALLY: GODZILLA WARS A LITTLE, or ALIENS TAKE OVER BUT THEN LOSE. But who am I kidding? I loved it.

Dick Tracy
Dick Tracy(1990)

I bet I'll like it. I bet I will!

Update: Well unfortunately I have seen newer and better renditions of the comic-book-accurate stylized movie. I enjoyed it and it's pretty classic, but it didn't really change my life, and yes, I WAS expecting it to do so. On the other hand Madonna was a drop dead FOX.

Babylon A.D.
Babylon A.D.(2008)

This movie is supposed to be awful, but I don't care because it is futuristic and semi-post-apocalyptic and in the trailer there was a scene with huge screens on the sides of futuristic skyscrapers a-la Blade Runner.

Yeah it was pretty bad but it had potential. It was almost as if a great director had conceived of an amazing story and set about to make a great movie but was then removed from creative control halfway through production by a studio who then turned the movie into gook. I have this feeling like maybe, juuuust maybe, something like that happened here.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

If there is one thing that breaks my heart, that causes me endless hours of troubled thought, and that causes me very real problems in life, it is dealing with this friggin' time issue. Getting the timing right for things and time itself and just the idea of time itself is like a gigantic unfathomable wall of problem that just won't go away. The idea of a man trapped and liberated by being completely out of sync with the world around him, the idea of his love, the most personal and significant aspects of his life being sacrificed and destroyed to the endless friggin' march of time is just so boggelsome that even my arms and feet and pretty much my whole body is boggled. And the conflict of what is and what is felt, the fact that as he is feeling younger and stronger and more like living he is creeping closer and closer to death is for some reason to me insanely haunting and although believe it or not I am not aging backwards it seems like a very relevant and personally significant theme. Also my brother thought people turned back into babies after being old so that's funny.

For having the most tragic and lonely and potentially insightful premise of pretty much any movie ever, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button fell flat on its big fat movie face. It was just a gigantic wandering drama with a slight gimmick! The isolation and introspection and frustration with being so completely out of sync with the whole world on such a significant level and basically any realistic psychological reaction was completely ignored. It was just a period movie about a guy who had a pretty interesting life that he lived backwards. it was well done and very enjoyable, definitely miles above most idiotic modern dramas, but in light of what the movie could have so easily been it was miserable. Both of the leads were so underacted and the plot was so nonexistent it made the whole thing work like cotton candy. Light and fluffy and you can barely tell when you're done because you just feel sticky and sweet. The end is stupid too, if he's biologically getting younger then he can't suffer from dementia. BABIES DON'T GET DEMENTIA: I KNOW THIS TO BE FACT. No but seriously how about a scene where he begins to realize that he is forgetting what it is to be intellectually mature? Would that not be terrifying? It would! But guess what? It's not in there. None of the most powerful elements of the premise were included in the movie, which is so stupid I can't believe it. The End.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie

The Bumble is in this movie, and it is so good I can't even wrap my mind around it.

La Haine
La Haine(1996)

La Haine is a movie so worthwhile and perfectly made it should be mandatory viewing for pretty much everyone in this crazy mixed up world.

The Hustler
The Hustler(1961)

He had to go somewhere first to be back... know what I'm sayin'?

The Hustler is not a good movie to watch if you are tired and you've got a lousy copy. It sucks all the emotion right out of the story, and if you just go by plot its only a good movie, not a great one. Even when you're watching a movie about having the right mindset and frame of reference you need to have the right mindset and frame of reference.

The Cell
The Cell(2000)

What a funky movie. The tagline should have been "The Cell: Welcome to Crazyville." In general it's pretty good, definitely better than your run of the mill thriller and it has some amazing visual effects/costumes/cinematography but in the end it is a little too slow and trippy to keep things poppin. Worth seeing if you're into movies about really bizarre serial killers' dreams and memories displayed like scenes from a chinese opera gone wrong. Awesome premise but not that great overall.

The Fall
The Fall(2006)

The Fall is such an amazing and beautiful movie that I can't really come up with anything off the top of my head that adequately describes it. It is as beautiful in what it is about as it is to look at, which is saying a lot.

The Squid and the Whale

COME ON. This is like if Wes Anderson suddenly wanted to pervert the entire way he expresses his stories. As opposed to offering understated solutions and at least attempts at redemption "Noah Baumbach" just wallows around in his high class agony. I don't know if that's what's actually wrong with this movie, but something definitely is.

Hotel Rwanda
Hotel Rwanda(2004)

Atrocities are sad and not fun to watch. And the movie does little to draw anything applicable from a story that is chock full of historical significance. Actually what am I saying its great I just get really depressed by movies where tons of bad stuff happens.

The Sting
The Sting(1973)

Everybody loves this movie because it is like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid became city slickers, played cards, and tap-danced to old-fashioned honky-tonk.

Finding Forrester



Overrated doesn't even begin to describe this movie. It's not that well made guys, just because he uses those shotguns in the end is not reason to get all crazy.


Hey guess what? Mobsters live lives that are unique and remarkable! In fact so much so that you can make movie after movie about them and still people are fascinated by them! Actually this movie is really well made, its just about the most boring people on the planet.

Con Air
Con Air(1997)

OH MAN. Take 1 part Malkovich, 1 part Cage, 1 part Cusack, remove all Jonze residue, mix thoroughly and bake in Simon West's action movie oven o' goodness, then serve with a light sprinklin' of Buscemi and you have yourself some home-cooked high-stakes old-school action pie!

The Pianist
The Pianist(2002)

This is one of those movies that people will punch you in the face for not loving, but I got moves so I ain't afraid. I'm going to call it how it is and say that this movie was insanely slow and boring which sucked all the wind out of the powerful drama. Adrien Brody was awesome though.

Howl's Moving Castle

I'll need to see Howl's Moving Castle again to really feel justified in saying that it was mediocre and lacked the pizazz and razzmatazz of the other Miyazaki movies, but for now that is what I reckon.

Mystic River
Mystic River(2003)

Ugh. I mean, yeah it was really good, but sheesh, what a downer. I can't remember what happens at the end so I'll have to check it out again for the final verdict, but watch this only if you really feel like you need to tame that wild uncontrollable optimism that's making your life unbearably joyous.


What a solid movie! It was mediocre as a whole but surprisingly not as bad as expected. A few nice artistic touches and well paced action sequences along with a very enjoyable soundtrack made the whole thing so much better than the average bang bang blah blah shooty movie.

Say Anything...

When the poster has a dude holding a boombox over his head you know it's good times.

"Say Anything" is awesome. It starts out as a cheesy Cameron Crowe-fest but after the first five minutes it turns into a completely awesome movie. One of its strongest themes was how awesome the 80's were, which brings back to the surface of my thought-pool how badly I wish I had a time machine, because all the stuff in this movie and basically everything cool ever made was manufactured and sold in the 80's. But enough about the 80's, this is a social networking movie review thingy, not some sort of nostalgia-o-matic! Say Anything is great. My only beef with it are the fantasy elements woven into the plot. How many intelligent, sincere, cultured but non-snobby, independent minded, gorgeous babes do you know? That's right, NONE. That's pure fantasy Mr. Crowe. That's flim-flammery of the highest degree.


The closest experience I have had to watching this movie was the first time I saw the Royal Tenenbaums. I had a vague sense that there was some sort of purpose to the way everything was portrayed, but for whatever reason I was completely unable to figure out what it was or what the intended effect was. Perhaps it's a matter of being out of touch with the period and culture or the message, maybe I'm too tired, or maybe it really is a boring movie. In any case "Amarcord" is, for the time being, going straight into the "overrated drivel" list.

The Verdict
The Verdict(1982)

The Verdict is in, and the court has ruled that it is completely awesome. I do mean awesome. I think we've moved away from being thrilled with plainly spoken drama and heartfelt expressions just thrown out there (see "the 1980's")and nowadays (we are sophisticated because we live in the future: see "the 21st Century") people have filtered so much culture from such a great span of time that we require a great deal of artistry and a very light touch to find truth or love or other big fat emotional things appealing. That and a lack of explosions and robots is the only thing keeping The Verdict off of my "TOTALLY RAD TOP TEN BEST MOVIES EVAR!!!!111" list. The way the movie is shot and the way the lines are delivered, the pacing, the quality of the acting, and the powerful use of the soundtrack is all killer. BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE BEST FRIGGIN' PART!!! The best part is how, in a movie about litigation and other lawyery sounding stuff that has to do with talking and being clever and snappy and zinger-ish, the dialogue is so sparse and set in such contrast to the silence that dominates so much of the movie that it is like every word is a punch to the gut. In contrast to the moral and verbal silence that defines Galvin's life and the movie, each word is like a declaration against both. See what I mean about heavy-handededness? It's like scraping your fingernails against a chalkboard. Anyway the Verdict is in, and I'm out yo.

Being John Malkovich

There is a ridiculous amount of stuff to be said about this movie. It also has mountains worth of great quotes. I saw it a few years ago and really didn't recognize that all the weirdness and truth to the movie was really wrapped in a very hilarious package. Charlie Kaufman is pretty much a golden god for writing this, it really might be the most inventive movie ever, or at least since "Time Bandits." Usually I am strongly motivated to spill my guts in some capacity about a good movie because I feel that even if my peers are not on the same page as the art I enjoy it doesn't mean they should miss out. Strangely though with this movie I feel like if you see it and dislike it there is not going to be anything I can jump around and hoot n' holler about that will serve any purpose. It is a great movie though. And I mean great in the sense of, like, Alexander the Great or the Great Depression, as in momentous and truly outstanding, not just radical, although it is that too.

Time Bandits
Time Bandits(1981)

What a weird movie. Terry Gilliam has once again made a surreal dreamlike weirdo movie with some great ideas smothered in crazy low budget special effects with an emphasis on plastic tubing. The concepts, ideas, and outlook of the movie is completely unique and pretty philosophically hefty but the execution is completely bonkers.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

Michael Cera was pretty funny and the movie as a whole was cute, but for the most part it was just more of the same indie-ish teen-ish jibber jabber.

Burn After Reading

The Coen Brothers are great plus hilarious, which everyone knows is the formula for awesome!

Well the brosefs Coen have officially come out of the closet as complete misanthropes. Every person in the movie was either horrible or stupid, both, or in some other way terribly deficient. It was hilarious both due to excellent film-making and to how closely all the crazy ridiculousness that occurs in the movie mirrors real life. Its a caricature, but even a caricature is based on reality.

Like that quote at the end there? I'll be here all night folks!

Fort Apache, the Bronx

"Fort Apache, The Bronx" is a crazy good title, and that's because it's also a crazy good movie. It's easy to find movies that raise difficult questions about morality and ethics but rare I think to find one that does so without relying on tired formulas or simplistic answers. Also Paul Newman perfectly treads the line of hardcore and dapper and never goes cliche with a character that is, for all its genreficationary stereotypicality, pretty complex. It is a sad but awesome movie, which is the most realistic type.


Holy smokeroons this movie was awful. Essentially every aspect of the whole thing was done poorly. It was slow, it had no plot, every five minutes there was a verbal recap of the past five minutes in which almost nothing happened, and heavy-handed is the nicest possible way to communicate the billboard-like queues given every time there was a joke or the audience was supposed to Sherlock Holmes their way into figuring out the characters' extremely super-ultra complex motivations. DO NOT SEE. VERY STUPID.

A Streetcar Named Desire

It's, like, a total classic.

UPDATE: This movie is friggin' sad man. We're talkin' like Old Yeller sad. Basically Marlon Brando plays this total jerk and Vivien Leigh plays this poor crazy chick and it's a bucket of tears from start to finish. Pretty much anytime "Blanche" talks I wish she would not but the movie is pretty powerful.


The emotional impact of seeing Marjane go through universal problems of adolescence in the context of such social, political, and religious upheaval is pretty darn tootin' intense. Both the freedom that we enjoy in the west and its accompanying spiritual lethargy are put into perspective when set against the backdrop of radically opposed ideas playing out in radically violent places. Like a fat kid at a buffet, the western (American, really) outlook on culture is a pick and choose, "what group do I fit in" type of mentality, whereas with Marjane and with much of the world these symbols and expressions of emotion, however commercial and diluted, are precious and new and can be revelatory. I'm all over the place with this one but the movie is excellent and you should totally watch it.

The Dark Knight

HOLY CRAP. I just saw the "Not all jokes are funny" poster for this movie and my faith in humanity is rekindled.

Update: I don't know what happened, but I've been soured to this whole "Batman" thing. It was alright but it could have been so much better.

Update #2: Ok so here is my problem with The Dark Knight. The movie is about Batman right? Is Batman a cop? Is Batman a spy? Is Batman a crazy rich guy? No! He wears a cape and swoops around on the tops of buildings! He is dramatic! More than that, he is THEATRIC. He is not Jason Bourne or James Bond wearing a high tech suit that looks like a bat. This movie went in way too many directions plot-wise and it really took the emphasis away from the themes and theatrical elements. And the CGI for two-face was TERRIBLE! And I don't think they ever capitalized on the joker's maniacal nature. Just showing him do bad stuff doesn't automatically make him a bad guy, that's the nature of telling a story... you have to build it up correctly so that in the audience's mind the nature of this dude is so unspeakably evil and crazy that it fascinates them. I was not fascinated by the joker, or by anything in this movie really. Christopher Nolan also did something that really irritated me, which is that he did not commit to any specific "reality." In a superman movie, you are in a world in which superman exists, therefore it is already not realistic. Any realisticiticocity is like icing on the friggin' cake! In The Dark Knight, Nolan uses the same "superhero world" unrealisms with CSI Miami Style descriptions of what his fancy gear can do and makes this crazy blend that really annoys the crap out of me. It's like if a James Bond movie (one of the old ones) actually took itself seriously. I think people loved it because of all the reasons I hated it. Christian Bale is not that great a Batman. Heath Ledger was good but was poorly directed. The pacing was terrible. The bomb thing with the boats was ridiculous. So much of it was so dried up and spy-movie-esque that I actually became bored. I think it was exactly the type of movie I dislike, about things that I love. What the deuce is Morgan Freeman even doing in this movie? What is the purpose of having all these supporting characters who just agonize all the time? None of them contribute anything to any aspect of the movie. I don't know, whatever, maybe I'm just a codgery old man who thinks that Batman is cooler than he really is. Oh and he really is cool, he is real also.

Rebel Without a Cause

It's hard to watch a movie about alienation and real emotional pain and turmoil when so much of the acting and script is so 50's showbiz. It's like most of the problems that cause Jim and Plato and Judy pain are Hollywood problems but their reactions are 100% real. James Dean was pretty good though.

The Sword in the Stone

Archimedes and Merlin are maybe the funniest characters in film.

Blood Simple
Blood Simple(1984)

Blood Simple is excellent and probably raised the bar considerably for crime movies. If you like movies about murders, double crossings, passionate affairs, and hi jinx of that nature then Blood Simple is right up your alley. My biggest complaint about it is that it lacks the best qualities of the Coen Brothers' other movies. I really missed the absurd humor, the superfocused style, and the cathartic sequences that make so many of their later movies so great.

Barton Fink
Barton Fink(1991)

Barton Fink is certainly the most vague of any of the Coen bros. movies I've seen so far. It's definitely engaging to watch and it features plenty of the absurd humor and wit that their movies usually have, and there is a lot to relate to despite the drawn out and surreal style. It's just really vague.


The little teaser trailer thing for this movie was more emotionally significant than most other entire movies. It will be sweet. It is about a robot!

WALL-E is the best and most beautiful movie I have ever seen.

Miller's Crossing

Miller's Crossing is morally complex, thematically rich, visually beautiful, and emotionally authentic. Wham bam thank you ma'am.


Jumper is based on what is basically the second coolest idea ever. I'm not telling you what the coolest idea ever is because I am going to make a movie about it one day, but this one was pretty good. The action was cool and surprisingly consistent with the premise and the acting was way above par. The real problem, the hurdle Jumper just couldn't seem to jump, was taking the idea and all its emotional and psychological and moral implications and making it relatable on all those levels. Without that everything else felt pretty incidental , which is a pretty serious flaw for a movie pretty much about teleporting. It was pretty awesome though, and I'll be pretty honest, I'm jonesin' for those rumored sequels. I can pretty much see it now:


The Happening

M. Night Shyamalan does the end of civilization! Hurray!

Holy smackeroons this movie was great. The genre is all about mystification, whatever can be made inexplicable can be made into a movie and money can be made from it. Shyamalan provides the mysticism without the idiocy and that is pretty heffing valuable and makes a pretty great movie. In a world and society where we are more and more able to affect each other, where there are more and more of us, and where we affect everything around us with greater impact than ever before it is evident that repercussions of our actions can and will and have had grave and seemingly mysterious consequences. And while there is a rational explanation for the individual elements of any issue, catastrophe's of any large scale often call into question our ability to understand what is... HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it can thus be freakin' intense. Good movie man, good flippin' movie.

The Incredible Hulk

So this Hulk movie is supposed to be cool, hopefully with Edward Norton and Tim Roth it actually will be. It has Abomination in it so it'll be fun regardless.

Yeah it was pretty sweet. There was lots of fightiness, Hulk said "Hulk Smash", and the expected cringe-inducing dramatic scenes induced nothing but a slight flinch. Liv Tyler was a babe and Edward Norton played a great Bruce Banner. Definitely could have been better but when it comes to superhero movies you have to take what you can get, know what I'm sayin'?

Kung Fu Panda

Wow, I was really blown away by this movie! First of all it is excellent. If you want an example of a really good animated movie that hasn't been made by Pixar then here you go. It was pretty much really funny and awesome to watch, which is to say gut-bustin' and visually engaging. The fights were snappy and kinetic and kung fu-ey, the slapstick was dead on and the script was really amazing. Most of the characters avoided cliche and the themes throughout were surprisingly relevant. It was awesome! 5 Stars! Skidoosh!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I anticipate that there will be heavy overuse of computer generated effects, that the movie will lack the adventurous spirit of its predecessors to at least some degree, and that I will love it.

I think I expected too much of it, but Indiana Jones IV wasn't as snappy as I thought it would be. It's all about knockin heads though, which is cool.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Surprisingly good! The movie in general is pretty distinctly kid oriented but I thought a lot of the battle-y stuff was pretty well done, and overall the story/acting/etc. was decent enough to enjoy. Could've been a lot better but it was enjoyable. Almost every scene in which Lucy was looking for or saying "Aslan" I just started cracking up due to similarities with those ridiculous old versions. Also the dwarf guy that tries to trick Prince Caspian was the mouse guy from the old movies... I wonder if I'm the only person who recognizes this.

Speed Racer
Speed Racer(2008)

It will probably be very cool in IMAX what with all the zooming around and bright colors and jib.

Speed Racer has suffered from poor reviews and as far as being a straightforward film for the average moviegoer it certainly misses the mark. This movie was not made for the average moviegoer, because the average moviegoer (and apparently movie critic) is an absolute friggin' moron. Yeah it's overly complicated and the splicing of the corporate subterfuge story into the racing movie was kind of poorly done but what the movie is really about and what it does flawlessly is showcase a story about futuristic neon-colored race cars doing impossible stunts and an honest dude overcoming insurmountable odds in a world that cannot even distinguish between real victory and a sham. And the sequences where you're supposed to get pumped up are like the best "get pumped up" sequences I've ever seen. And the visual effects alone were cool enough to give it five stars right off the bat... if you care at all about lights and colors and design and stuff this movie is sweet. I loved it.


It sounds excellent, what can I say?

So Brazil is pretty much completely insane. That's the point, I know, but seriously it was crazy. I enjoyed it a lot, although I always prefer movies that are a little more emotionally stable and less like a fully realized and fleshed-out surreal nightmare.

Repo Man
Repo Man(1984)

Wow, everything in this movie just sort of happened. It was hard to enjoy. I was really angry and tired when I watched it though, so maybe that ruined it, but still there was almost nothing in this movie that established any emotional connection or any semblance of the environment. It was just crazy and messed up I guess.

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

I don't know much about this movie, but I do know that if it claims to be able to reveal some of the beauty that can exist after a paralyzing tragedy it can't be that bad.

It was beautiful.

Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!

This was surprisingly great! Steve Carell was ridiculously funny, and the humor was right up my alley. Among a myriad of other typical traits of a animated family movie, it had a few things that really stood out, like it's central theme of changing your world view and perspective on life to help others, and some musical numbers that just tickled me pink. Overall it achieves a "totally SWEET" rating from this guy over here.

The Rock
The Rock(1996)

As far as I'm concerned, The Rock is an action classic. A lot of really cool action, a plot that is fun and crazy but not too over the top and Sean Connery = awesome movie.

The Princess and the Cobbler (The Thief and the Cobbler)

This movie is sick, and by sick I mean totally great, not gross or unhealthy. That's all I have to say about it really, you should watch it, but not the Ferris Bueller edition, because Ferris Bueller sounds like an idiot.

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

Despite being one (out of six) of the most iconic and celebrated movies of all time with legions of weird fans and a gazillion different books, tv shows, and toys based on it, I find the original Star Wars trilogy to be completely underrated. I am not going to spend a year talking about it, but the quality of the story and the storytelling, and especially the capacity for that story to almost fully synthesize modern human conflict while maintaining the didactic principles of a mythological fable is somewhat of where I'm trying to go with this. It's also awesome because they have swords MADE OUT OF LIGHT.

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial

The main character is an alien who eats Reese's pieces!

Mission: Impossible

This is the one that popularized the sliding-down-the-rope-until-you-stop-just-a -few-inches-off-the-ground thing.

Mission: Impossible 2

Here is a follow up to the rope-slide-inches-off-the-ground movie, with the exciting addition of a flying motorcycle joust.

Mission: Impossible III

Remaining true to its roots, Mission Impossible 3 also sports several slide-down-the-rope-until-stopping-just -inches-off-the-ground scenes, and while it lacks the flying motorcycle joust of the second movie it ends the trilogy on a high note with the kill-the-bad-guy-with-a-well-placed -bus maneuver.

The Last Picture Show

The Last Picture Show is basically a Norman Rockwell painting of a Shakespearean tragedy with the word "smoldering" placed somewhere in there.

If you can't relate to this movie in some way, if some part of it doesn't reflect some aspect of your life, you are probably not human.

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

This movie was clever, witty, stylish, suspenseful, visually lush, inspirational, hair-raising, side-splitting, tear-jerking, romantic, cynical, slapstick, somber, gritty, realistic and fanciful. It transformed me into a man with a porpoise, it refreshed my sole... it gave me wings.

Return of the Dragon (The Way of the Dragon)

So Return of the Dragon is not that great. WHO CARES. Bruce Lee is in it so WHAMMO: 3 stars. No seriously though it is terrible and with the exception of the epic fight scenes it's completely forgettable. Well maybe not forgettable but definitely ridiculous. In any case none of that matters like I said because Bruce Lee fights Chuck Norris and that, my friend, is the stuff dreams are made of.

Mean Streets
Mean Streets(1973)

I always feel self-conscious when criticizing Martin Scorsese's movies, but I find that I either love them completely or hate them altogether. This one I hated, but I can't fully say it was terrible, so I'll just say that Scorsese's relentless portrayal of the "you reap what you sow" thing is sort of obnoxious. This movie is probably a lot more powerful for people who live in a world where shooting someone after double crossing them after a mob deal goes down is a plausible option.

Having watched it a second time I found Mean Streets to be a pretty friggin' good movie. I really don't know what the deuce I was talking about. Thematically, artistically, and even plot-wise this movie is dramatically different from the "oh man gangsters are crazy" type movies. I'm still frustrated that the movie offers no solutions; there is no applicable principle. Which makes the movie far less significant I think than it could have been. But yeah, it's amazing to watch, and the slow-motion track shots with those beautiful music queues are like pure magic from the wand of a celluloid wizard. (THAT'S MARTIN SCORSESE I AM TALKING ABOUT AS IF HE WERE A WIZARD, SEE?)

The Legend of Drunken Master (Jui kuen II) (Drunken Fist II)

If I remember correctly Mr. Chan actually fights without props near the end and it's pretty hardcore. The quality of this movie is way above many of his others as well. Plus he does Drunken Kung Fu.

Drunken Master (Jui kuen)

This movie is like a total classic. It also showcases Jackie Chan's ability to eat Chinese food ravenously, crack open walnuts using his thumb and index finger, and jump around big kegs of water like a pro.

Gone Baby Gone

This movie kicks royal. It pretty much makes the audacious claim that the ends do not justify the means, ever. Crazy I know! It goes on to make the point that every action we take has consequences, and we must take responsibility for them. It is basically a crime/cop movie, but the quality of the storytelling and acting and the weight and relevance of the themes rocket Gone Baby Gone to the top. This is possibly the greatest movie I have ever seen, both contextually and artistically.

Iron Man
Iron Man(2008)

Maybe Marvel will actually make a good movie now that they're producing it themselves.

Ok so Iron Man is not a great movie, but it most definitely is a good movie. The worst part was the script/plot from about halfway through until the end, but it definitely made up for it with a thoroughly enjoyable everything else. As far as being thematically relevant it is surprisingly great and while suffering from the epidemic lack of iconic moments/dialogue/imagery it is pretty cool to watch. If you enjoy superhero movies this one is certainly a lot better than most recent Marvel releases.

All that being said what was truly spectacular were the ending credits, which were probably the best ending credits I've seen in years and possibly the best I've seen ever. The aged analog texture overlaying the neon cad designs was something worthy of being in a museum. I'm talking Oscar quality credits. I would pay a bazillion dollars to go see the movie again in theaters just for those beautiful glowing lines...I'm serious too. My jaw literally flopped open when I saw it.

Summary: Robert Downey Jr. flies around in a robotic suit and then the most beautiful thing ever scrolls along the screen. Boss!

The Forbidden Kingdom

Ok, this movie was pretty bad. If Jet Li or Jackie Chan were not fighting it was painful to watch. But there's the catch! Basically half of the movie is them knocking heads and the kung fu sequences are great. If you enjoy Kung Fu movies then this is definitely recommended.


Pretty much every movie ever since is in some way indebted to Tron. It's friggin' sweet!

Rumble Fish
Rumble Fish(1983)

"...And neither, contrary to popular belief, is your brother crazy. He's merely miscast in a play. He was born in the wrong era, on the wrong side of the river... With the ability to be able to do anything that he wants to do and... findin' nothin' that he wants to do. I mean nothing. "

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

This movie is sort of crazy. Instead of being about Jesse James, Robert Ford, or the assassination of the former by the latter, its really more about what emotional developments occurred that caused the event. In that sense it was riveting. Aside from a sort of artistic/indie look and feel and sound and the very impressive and enjoyable psychological drama the movie misses out on a lot of material that could have rounded it out. There was also this Royal Tenebaums-esque narration over much of the movie which was a little odd and as the two hours and forty minutes go on it tends to be a little monotonous, but overall it is an intensely interesting story and if you are interested in that sort of thing you'll most likely enjoy it. Having known nothing about it previously I was pretty amazed at the story itself. Casey Affleck really rips it up too.

On the Waterfront

You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it.

The Land Before Time


Twelve Monkeys (12 Monkeys)

I usually hate deterministic movies but I've determined that this one be sweet yo. It's definitely a thinker. Pretty much there's this guy and he has to deal with everything humanity has ever come up with to make themselves crazy. It's roughly 2 hours of very complicated and dramatic events in which the main character tries to answer questions about reality, sanity, existential dilemmas, animal rights, doctors, time travel, and monkeys. It's awesome but if you don't care about that stuff and just want babes and explosions and fast cars I don't recommend it.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

It definitely had some beautiful moments and I always love a heavily stylized horror-musical revenge movie, but it kind of fell apart after a while. I was laughing at the end of the movie which I am pretty sure is the opposite of the intended emotional impact. It's very very bloody, and the music was good but not great, and everything just kind of happens without any weight to it. Just a lot of singing and CGI cityscapes. It's a movie that I really want to love but just can't.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (AVP 2)

YES!!! More of a good thing.

Oh man when the Predator Alien and the Predator fought it was like a dream come true and then filmed for my own viewing pleasure.
As far as bad movies go it is definitely on the lower end of the spectrum believe it or not, but I was hoping to see some Predators fighting some Aliens and on that it certainly delivered.


My big problem with this movie is that it is so heavily plot driven that if you're not impressed by all the crazy twists and turns it doesn't offer that much else. Fortunately, it is so well focused that you kind of have to be impressed by all the crazy twists and turns. Super classic, super classy, and super duper!

Hot Rod
Hot Rod(2007)

I'll be honest, I typically hate comedies. There are a few exceptions, but I find that watching a comedy is really only fun as a social experience. As an artistic and didactic medium, film is rendered idiotic and empty in the case of most comedies, most of which also happen to not be funny. This movie will undoubtedly reverse my opinion on comedies forever. The scene in the trailer when whatshisname says the "what what way" thing makes me laugh every time I see it. Should be good.

Update! :
It was pretty funny, with a few scenes that were downright hilarious. I think most of what I liked about it was the undecided 70's/80's/00's time period, but regardless it was lots of hilarious stupid-funny funtimes.

Taxi Driver
Taxi Driver(1976)

The frustration that comes from both society's impositions on honest and direct communication and its failures to solve its own grievous problems is pretty universal. A brilliantly conceived story that is as entertaining as it is relevant.

Harold and Maude

"Living life to the fullest" and doing things just for the sake of doing them is something that I just can't get really excited about. I see people every day who live lives completely devoid of meaning and who never see those small things that make life beautiful, and just deciding to do stuff that is abnormal or socially uncouth doesn't seem like a very meaningful solution. The feeling of the movie is beautiful and the idea of changing your frame of reference, of taking a step back and looking at what truly makes life worth living is so important, but this felt so much like a cosmetic and superficial approach to people's despair and loneliness that I just couldn't enjoy it fully. Maybe I have it all wrong and I need to watch it again with someone less fussy.


I felt like the supreme cathartic moment was never fully realized. (Yes, I am what they call a "pompous windbag.") The movie is about searching for catharsis, manufacturing it, creating it, or discovering it, and yet when you get there it seems (or at least feels) like it happens in stuttered stages. That might be more a reflection on my state of mind than on the movie itself, but nevertheless I felt that pent up emotional tension even after the movie had supposedly reached its conclusion. Having said all that, the ability of Charlie Kaufman (the screenwriter of the movie who is also the star of the movie who is actually writing the movie in the movie) and Spike Jonze (the director) to SIMULTANEOUSLY reveal surprisingly powerful and beautiful truths about what makes living in a mundane world so beautiful WHILE depicting very accurately how hard it is to figure that out and agony of trying to communicate it THAT it just makes your head want to explode... like this sentence. The end.

Be Kind Rewind


This movie was not as great as anticipated. It was incoherent in all the wrong places! And there were a few very funny parts, but not that many at all. The premise was full of promise but the result was lackluster.

Rocky V
Rocky V(1990)

Rocky vs. Tommy Gun! Rocky takes it to the streets and uppercuts a man onto a car! Boss!

Terminator 3 - Rise of the Machines

I don't remember clearly but this movie can't have been that good. I'm pretty sure it's one of those "let's cash in on a classic franchise by making a ridiculous third movie a bazillion years later" things.

Kung Fu Hustle

Read the title and you know already what millions worldwide already agree: THIS IS GONNA BE A GOOD TIME YO!

American Graffiti

This movie actually has no graffiti in it! Go figure!

The Man Who Would Be King

Sean Connery and Micheal Caine try to rule a hidden kingdom! Will The Man Who Would Be King Be King?!?!

The Karate Kid Part II

Is the Karate Kid still awesome in its second incarnation? YES!

Rocky IV
Rocky IV(1985)

I think this is the one where Rocky fights a giant Russian uberboxer! Awesome!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

The TMNT vs. Ancient Samurai! Hurray!

Castle in the Sky

Despite terrible voice acting by the two leads, this movie is everything a movie should be. The world in which this story exists is brilliantly conceived.

Back to the Future Part III

Back to the Future goes west: fun ensues! It's Back to the Future III!

The Jacket
The Jacket(2005)

A well made atmospheric sci-fi love story. You can find happiness and beauty in even the weirdest, most inexplicable, and worst situations.

Rocky II
Rocky II(1979)

"Yo, Adrian! I did it!"

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II - The Secret of the Ooze

Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go!
Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go!

Memphis Belle

The best and only movie in the "this is our last bombing run of WWII CAN WE SURVIVE?!?!" genre. It's awesome and a true story so it gets two "awesomes". Awesome awesome!

Spirited Away

If my parents turned into pigs at a deserted amusement park I would not have done the same thing I don't think. An extremely weird and absolutely amazing movie.

Monsters, Inc.

A great idea realized with tremendous humor.

Peter Pan
Peter Pan(1953)

He can fly, he fights pirates, he has his own hide out and gang, and his own peanut butter which is extremely tasty! What can't Peter Pan do!?!?

Sleeping Beauty

Oh man, when the prince storms the castle and is cutting through the thorns and stuff it gets me so riled up I practically pass out every time I see it.

The Right Stuff

I also have chewed Beeman's Chewing Gum. It was Chuck Yeager's chewing gum, but still it I...I think there was a connection there. You know? Like I was part of something bigger...this "bigger picture"...

Back to the Future

If you haven't seen Back the Future you have no business reading reviews. 88 miles per hour! 1.21 Gigawatts! Lightning! Skateboards! All this and more in the sensation of the modern age: BACK TO THE FUTURE!!!

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Indiana Jones Raids the Lost Ark!


It's in Detroit, the protagonist is a cyborg policeman, and he fights socio-economic corruption in the future. TOTALLY SWEET.

Sling Blade
Sling Blade(1996)

When is it o.k. to kill someone by smacking them in the head with a lawnmower blade? FIND OUT in SLING BLADE the MODERN CLASSIC!

The Blues Brothers

There are these two dudes, and they sing the blues, and they have hijinks, and they crash cars. That's pretty much it. It's one of the greatest movies ever made.

The Silence of the Lambs

A masterpiece. When serial killers take on serial killers you know it's good times for the whole family.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

If "The Terminator" was a masterpiece, "Terminator II" is a masterpiece eating robot with a heart of gold.

The Terminator

The Terminator is essentially an opera of the modern era. defies description and takes the breath away.

The Karate Kid

There's nothing to be said really. It's the Karate Kid!


Unbreakable is one of the most underrated movies of all time. It is a genre movie in its most realistic and stripped-down form, which for most people is not apparently easy to relate to. What is amazing and truly great about it is that Shyamalan sacrifices nothing in terms of artistry and achieves the same (if not a greater) emotional impact within the bounds of a story that has an infinite number of ways to go wrong. While the context (and the signature "twist") makes this look like a slow moving and poorly made superhero movie it really is much more personal and effective at communicating what most stories are fundamentally about, which is essentially how an individual can live a life that is meaningful, just, and significant.

Midnight Run
Midnight Run(1988)

It's the classic "two guys who are nothing alike are forced into hilarious and action-packed predicaments by crazy circumstances" situation, but with the added twist that it is really great. There are some genuine emotional and moral dilemmas that raise "Midnight Run" above its genre.

The Sandlot
The Sandlot(1993)

This movie gave us all classic American fun when not many kids actually have any. I know I never played baseball as a kid, but after seeing "The Sandlot" I felt like I spent my whole life playing baseball, delivering the newspaper by bicycle, and eating hamburgers at the local diner.

Cowboy Bebop: The Movie (Kaubôi Bibappu: Tengoku no Tobira)

Do you know about Cowboy Bebop? If you do, you like it, and if you like it then you'll love this movie. If you don't know about Cowboy Bebop then never mind any of this.

Back to the Future Part II

You can't not like it! It's more "Back to the Future" fun times!

Catch Me If You Can

Pretty slick and super fun to watch.

The Saint
The Saint(1997)

A solid action movie that is pretty neat and has a great premise.

Rocky Balboa
Rocky Balboa(2006)

It was a decent movie overall, but is completely dependent on the preceding Rocky movies and enormously sentimental.

Lethal Weapon 3

Like "Lethal Weapon," but three times worse.

Lethal Weapon 2

Like "Lethal Weapon," but two times worse.

Lethal Weapon 4

Like "Lethal Weapon," but four times worse.

Blade: Trinity

Take a cool premise, add a poorly made ipod commercial starring Jessica Biel, remove the cool premise, and you have "Blade: Trinity."

Saving Private Ryan

A great movie and a moving true(ish) story. This is possibly the best war movie ever made.

Enter the Dragon

Bruce Lee and other awesome dudes face off in a truly epic tournament! This movie has Jackie Chan in it too. He gets kicked across a room!

The Godfather

A modern classic with a story that eloquently communicates the (depraved) vortex-like nature of criminality or something.


Aside from having a giant man-eating shark and a great theme song, "Jaws" is both thoughtful and intelligent in its approach to what is basically a silly and outlandish plot. And those are indisputably the three most important elements of a good film.


"Gattaca" is riveting, STYLISH, and has surprising depth. The "triumph of the human will" theme is something that I think resonates with a lot of people. Complex, exciting, and thoroughly enjoyable.



Jeremiah Johnson

A beautiful movie and an excellent adventure story.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

"You know, you should have let yourself get killed a long time ago when you had the chance. See, you may be the biggest thing that ever hit this area, but you're still two-bit outlaws. I never met a soul more affable than you, Butch, or faster than the Kid, but you're still nothing but two-bit outlaws on the dodge. It's over, don't you get that? Your time is over and you're gonna die bloody, and all you can do is choose where. "

The moral of this story?

Life is sad, but totally sweet to watch.

Citizen Kane
Citizen Kane(1941)

Widely heralded as one of the best films ever made, and officially made so by the American Film Institute, Citizen Kane certainly deserves it. Watching it 66 years after it was made, I was still able to connect to the movie, and it was as riveting and emotionally involving as any movie I've seen, with the exception of a couple cartoons like "Robin Hood" and "The Iron Giant", which are obviously far superior.

All Dogs Go To Heaven

I know it's a cartoon. I know its about talking dogs. But I will still stand by All Dogs Go To Heaven and defiantly declare that this move has some of the most riveting and sophisticated imagery of any movie ever created. Plus there's a scene with all these puppies eating pizza that forever influenced my eating habits.

Toy Story
Toy Story(1995)

This movie changed my life. Second only to the Disney's Robin Hood on the list of personally influential movies. The complexity of the storytelling itself makes this movie awesome to watch over and over.

Pete's Dragon

Incredibly memorable and a creative tour-de-force. Tour-de-force! Seriously. I identify with this movie more now than I ever did when I was little. Who hasn't wished that their best friend was an invisible dragon that always had your back? Nobody didn't, that's who didn't.

Robin Hood
Robin Hood(1973)

I've seen "Robin Hood" probably over a hundred times. It played an integral role in my childhood and is certainly one of the greatest movies of all time.

Sin City
Sin City(2005)

A gritty story of redemption and a reflection on nobility in the midst of depravity. It's definitely one of the most visually appealing films I've ever seen.

Rocket Science

This is one of those movies that makes you wish very badly that you could have gotten drunk and thrown a cello through someone's window when you were in high school. I mean c'mon, we all know we wanted to.

While not always as funny as it tries to be it certainly conveys the heartbreak and drama of teenage romance much more effectively than most movies of its milieu.


The Host
The Host(2007)

Not enough monster fighting or monster-induced destruction for my tastes.


"Some people can read War and Peace and come away thinking it's a simple adventure story. Others can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe."

Superman: The Movie is obviously a cinematic chewing gum wrapper.

Superman Returns

"Even though you've been raised as a human being, you are not one of them. They can be a great people, Kal-El. They wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I send them you... my only son."

Any movie that has a "bullet bouncing off a guy's eyeball" scene gets an A+ from me.


Very dramatic. Aaaaaaaaaaand yep, that's about it.

The Aviator
The Aviator(2004)

For some reason, if it takes forever, is a period film, and has more than one scene of really dramatic dialogue featuring a big name star, it WILL be critically acclaimed. I say whatevs to that. This movie was mediocre. Better than most of the sludge the good ship Hollywood sees fit to bombard us with, but no more than tolerable.

There Will Be Blood

Well snapalapadingdongdoo, "There Will Be Blood" packs one heck of a wallop. One of the most involving and engrossing movies I have ever seen, but it lacks a sense of clarity which a movie like this needs. Daniel Day-Lewis certainly does a great job of creating a character that is bursting at the seams with ambition and determination and focus. The movie is beautifully shot and hauntingly scored, and is unique and intelligent in its storytelling without being the least pretentious, but it is the lack of the reason for or redemption of Plainview?s madness and obsession that leaves the movie crippled. At the end of it all I was left guessing whether it was a fictional biography, cautionary tale, or allegory. None of which it effectively communicates. Definitely worth watching.

Rambo (Rambo IV)

Ok, I guess I don't actually want to see this movie very much at all. I just feel like I'm a quitter if I watch three but not the fourth.

Ok it was violent. As in violence to the max! Maybe even violence "2 DA MAXX!!!" What can I say? It was 30 minutes of talking and then an entire hour of Rambo chopping and shooting and exploding everything. People, animals, cars, trucks, boats, rivers, trees, rocks, spike, everything! Very action-y.

Princess Mononoke (Mononoke-hime)

There's this one scene where this dude gets shot and then opens a gate that is completely epic.

The Jungle Book

Many strange legends are told of these jungles of India, but none so strange as the story of a small boy named Mowgli. It all began when the silence of the jungle was broken by an unfamiliar sound. It was a sound like one never heard before in this part of the jungle. It was a man cub! Had I known how deeply I was to be involved, I would've obeyed my first impulse and walked away.

Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm

If it were live action this movie would be considered the standard for comic-book hero related movies. It is friggin' sweet. Movies about superheroes (but any mythology, really) tend to struggle with a palatable presentation of the dramatic nature of the characters and, surprisingly, this animated movie effectively avoids being tacky without abandoning the nature of the story.

Don't watch it if your tastes do not include animated movies or awesomeness, otherwise I highly recommend it.


Giant monster attacks are pretty much always sweet, but Matt Reeves and Co. did their best to ruin what could have been the American Godzilla. I loved it, so much about it was very well done, but what is truly compelling and significant about giant monster movies is not a couple of self-absorbed yuppies consistently making bad decisions. Emotional depth (or any real depth for that matter) was sacrificed for the sake of "shaking things up" (literally). While that makes for an interesting movie, it doesn't make for a good one.

What it comes down to with a lot of movies is that film as a medium has the ability to show us the tragedy or beauty or significance of events or people or ideas in ways that regular observation or experience cannot. If all film does is synthesize an experience it has failed to live up to its potential.

Did I mention it was totally awesome? It is, you should see it.


Maybe the best movie ever made. It is exactly what you want out of a movie about 30 foot tall altruistic robots from space that can turn into cars and trucks. I loved the over the top product placement. Shia LaBeouf was both crazy good and exceedingly great. The movie as a whole is tremendous. Anyway, it is completely awesome.

P.S. You HAVE TO see it in theaters. Waiting for Transformers to come out on DvD is like waiting until you're a big idiot, which is already true if you do that, so you'd better hurry to a theater stupid.

Lawrence of Arabia

Dude, this movie is massive. It was sweet, and those Bedouin were quite the dudes. It's a sweeping epic about the real life adventures of T.E. Lawrence! Also Peter O'Toole was the man.


A very entertaining movie about the professional and personal life of the groundbreaking American artist. That's what it is.


Danny Boyle apparently watched Blade Runner, Alien, and a bunch of trash when he was younger and then, armed with a total lack of imagination and inspiration drawn from other hyperactive british cinematographers, set out to poorly cobble together what he had seen while making it all loud and snappy. I really enjoyed most of this movie, but it goes from intelligent and cool to a big old mess of jibber jabber about 3/4 of the way through. It's essentially 28 Days Later in space. It even has what is basically a zombie straight from 28 Days Later! I had high hopes for this movie so maybe I'm overreacting but I found it to be hugely disappointing.

I Am Legend
I Am Legend(2007)

This movie sounds like something I came up with at 4 A.M. and put on a list somewhere in my computer to write a screenplay for. Plus, Will Smith?!? Talk about an everyman.


I Am Legend is very, very, very good. It's very good. It is great! You should see it in Imax probably, I didn't but it would be awesome. The movie is meaningful PLUS AWESOME!

Yes there are significant flaws, but if you look at what the purpose of the movie is and how well it fulfills that purpose you'll find a movie that is, like I said, meaningful + awesome.


A very cute movie with some very funny bits. Enjoyable and worth watching. Girls will love this movie. It's not a chick flick per-se, but I'm pretty confident that chicks will dig it. Believe me, I know what chicks dig.


Oh snap this movie was funny. Oh snap!

Blade Runner
Blade Runner(1982)

We're not computers, Sebastian, we're physical.

No Country for Old Men

It pulls no punches, that's fo' sho'. This movie doesn't jibber jabber around, and while remaining as cold and stripped down as possible No Country for Old Men has a truckload of depth to it. The Coen brothers use the medium to its absolute utmost with an almost poetic telling of a cautionary tale with as much humor, visual beauty, and blazing firearms as you can have in a movie that demands that you acknowledge the futility of violence. It's totally rad.


This movie was totally bonkers. Dragon-fighting, monster killing, babe magnetizing, party throwing, CGI coated live action insanity. It was crazy. Seeing it in 3-D was totally nuts and well worth it. It was also kind of weird, because the timeline is all crazy.

American Gangster

In a genre that is way over-dramatized and can be pretty boring, Ridley Scott does a great job of keeping it both fresh AND funky. There is a lot of formula to avoid with crime/cop movies, and American Gangster manages to do so. It's cool, you should watch it.

Planet Terror (Grindhouse Presents: Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror)

A pretty cool movie that just could have been better. I liked it in general though. It was too long on DvD, which detracts a lot when the plot revolves around absurdly over-wrought action sequences and gratuitous violence.


Typically when I really, really, really want to see a movie in theaters I go and see it when it is in theaters. In this case I somehow missed it, and ended up crying myself to sleep for weeks afterwards. I bet it was awesome on the big screen...but now I'll never know...

Still haven't seen it in theaters. Still crying.

Update: Okay, I have now seen both "Death Proof" and "Planet Terror" separately, and I am sorely disappointed. I think it had a lot to do with the editing, in that both movies were much shorter in the theatrical release, but regardless they were both a let down. Planet terror was better I guess.


The defining characteristic of this movie is its ability to remain boring despite being about robots who want, more than anything, to become human. Possibly the greatest premise upon which a movie can base itself. Anyway, if you enjoy film as a medium, or are really interested in cinematography or visual arts in general, this movie is recommended, although it is far from entertaining. Important facts to note concerning "Electroma": It features no Daft Punk music, it features no dialogue, it features insanely long, drawn out shots of robots walking across deserts and things of that nature, and it is neat.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Despite the floppery of the first, this one has the Silver Surfer in it, so I'm holding out.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE: By "Holding Out" I meant "I know it will be awful but I am willing to watch the movie anyway because it has a cool, albeit ridiculous, comic book character in it." I was right. It was awful, and the Silver Surfer was indeed in it. I, like Sherlock Holmes, am a master of the art of figuring tricky things out.

Life Is Beautiful (La Vita è bella)

If I was a big-shot, fancypants, creme-de-la-creme movie critic I would say that "Life Is Beautiful" is "Breathtaking" and "A triumph of filmmaking" and maybe even "An instant classic". Adjectives like "overwhelming" and phrases such as "feel good hit of the summer" would also be in my repertoire of praises for this movie. Since I am not some big-shot, fancypants, creme-de-la-creme film critic, however, I will just say that it was really, really, really good. It makes most other movies feel like 2 hours of filmed sand dunes or something.

The Darjeeling Limited

It will be so good I can barely stand it.

I saw it, and I am going to see it again. Maybe not his best, maybe not as poignant, and maybe lacking the climactic cathartic sequences of his other movies, but still beautiful and altogether fantastic. I loved it, and if Wes Anderson fails to progress much further than revisiting these themes with this aesthetic over and over again I will not be let down.

Shoot 'Em Up
Shoot 'Em Up(2007)

Absolutely great. This movie will stick a carrot in your mouth, strap a parachute on your back, and blow you away with excitement and comedy.

Conan the Barbarian

I usually appreciate campy movies, but this was just too much (or too little, depending on how you look at it). Boring. Maybe "Conan the Destroyer" will be better...

Death Proof
Death Proof(2007)

Everything about this movie was good but the movie itself was not. The art direction, soundtrack, cinematography, acting (with a few exceptions), etc. was all great, but the dialogue and car chases went on and on and on. It lacked the punch and originality of his earlier films and just got boring. Plus I hated the gore. It may have been better in the shorter theatrical release, but it was definitely a let down. That being said, it was still pretty cool, and the ideas and themes and characters were all pretty neat.

Ed Wood
Ed Wood(1994)

Martin Landau's insanely funny and moving performance aside, this movie lacked luster. I would have found it absolutely hilarious if it weren't so depressing. A movie that intentionally creates tragedy out of a situation that is not truly that tragic is far less troubling than a movie that calmly portrays a life devoid of significance. This movie was primarily the latter. Most of all I found it to be exceedingly boring. It's "brilliance" was lost on me I guess.

Larger Than Life

It's just so good it's crazy!


Brad Bird is the man! This movie is awesome. If you like cooking, good movies, fine art, humor, wine, cheese, food, animation, stories, love, visual effects, sound, people, Paris, or rats then this movie is for you!


It has flying pirate ships or something so I want to see it despite the possible lack of legitimacy.

The movie was great. The first hour or so was pretty bad, and all the tongue in cheek humor was so hamhanded I really thought the movie was a goner, but post sky-pirate sequence the movie took off. (Get it? It's kinda like a pun, but slightly delayed! Awesome!) Anyway, it could have been much better, but the entire last hour was great, and as far as a simple adventurish fairy tale love story it is really good. Definitely recommended for those who enjoy The Princess Bride and who can stomach some cheese.

American Beauty

Beautiful, hilarious, and compelling. It attacks the emotional and spiritual complacency of American culture and really brings to light how poisonous a self-absorbed and shallow lifestyle can be, and how that causes pain and alienation within a family. All this while being funny and great to watch! One scene, in which a character describes a sort of revelation, was for me (and remains) one of the most significant and meaningful moments in film. It is also tremendously melodramatic.

3:10 to Yuma
3:10 to Yuma(2007)

An amazing movie. It has been a long time, I think, since a truly great western has been released, and this one ends that long time. Astounding performances by the entire cast, and I am very serious when I say astounding. I am completely surprised at every actor's ability in this movie to convey the complicated emotional jibba-jabba that was goin' down. Umbelievable.

Dr. Strangelove Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Dr. Strangelove gets 5 stars for teaching me the importance of the preservation of my precious bodily fluids.

Rambo III
Rambo III(1988)

Sylvester Stallone reprises what is possibly his most shirtless role. That is quite a feat seeing as his other major legacy is Rocky, but seriously, the guy is basically naked the whole movie. That is the obvious negative(?) yang to the movie's totally positive yin, which is that he shoots a ridiculous amount of stuff with explosive tipped arrows.

Apollo 13
Apollo 13(1995)

This movie is really cool. It is basically a disaster movie, but it utilizes the disaster movie formula to its utmost and includes more outer space.

King Kong
King Kong(2005)

It's about a giant gorilla so it is one of my favorite movies ever, but I thought the slapstick humor/stunts were a little obnoxious. King Kong had the potential to be quite a bit better than it was.


With two future governors and more testosterone than a Box O' Chuck Norris, this movie made clear U.S. foreign policy of the future way ahead of its time: "If it bleeds, we can kill it."*

*Disclaimer: That quote at the end actually has nothing to do with U.S. foreign policy or my views on it, I just really wanted to put that quote in my review.

Die Hard 2
Die Hard 2(1990)

Sequel to an action classic! Watch Watch Watch!

The Magnificent Seven

This movie is the quintessential western. Epic gun fighting, a good strong moral theme, Yul Brynner and some tumbleweeds and you got yerself one fine movin'-picture. Giddyap!


An instant classic. It really is a masterpiece and it crosses genre boundaries like nobody's business.

The Bourne Ultimatum

It was everything I expected. I was really tired when I watched it so the suspense and drama was a little lost on me, but unlike most movies these days in made sense and held together well. The action sequences where absolutely awesome. Some of the best stunts and fighting choreography, like, ever. Plus it has this totally bangin' element of the preservation of human life, something usually missing from action movies about assassins.

Pulp Fiction
Pulp Fiction(1994)

This movie has it all I tell ya.

The Color of Money

I think this is Martin Scorsese's best movie. Whether this movie was a direct influence on Wes Anderson and Guy Ritchie and every slick movie since is debatable, maybe it is just representative of the style of every cool movie made ever since, but "The Color of Money" capitalizes on cinematography, drama, and music placement or whatever you call awesome music queues in ways that have obviously been emulated a billion times over. This is a movie that finally nails the sentimental idea of regaining your place in life after suffering a major blow without being absolute crap. At no point must you wince with the overbearing gooiness that normally assaults the viewer in a movie about rebuilding your life. It's awesome, you should totally watch it at least twice.

The Boondock Saints

An awesome movie that asks some moral questions that are both outrageous and legitimate at the same time. That, and its just plain cool, regardless of some potentially sub-par production quality.

I, Robot
I, Robot(2004)

I remember this as being surprisingly intelligent, AND it has robots. Thus, I recommend it.

Wedding Crashers

Funny AND hilarious. It was also a little bit humorous as well! BONUS!

Finding Nemo
Finding Nemo(2003)

As usual, Pixar and Disney Pwn N00bs.

Midnight Cowboy

This movie is a lot better than I thought, I just know it. It's worth watching.

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Ir had a couple funny parts but certainly did not live up to the hype. When I saw it in theaters I laughed when no one else did and when everyone else laughed I never found it to be funny.

Big Trouble in Little China

I have no concept of what this movie is like, but the title and cover/poster look completely awesome.

UPDATE: They looked awesome because it IS awesome. This movie is one of the best movies of all time hands down. It will teach you valuable lessons about ancient Chinese dark magic, how to drive a Freightliner semi truck, and that "it's all in the reflexes."
If you watch this movie, at least five years are added to your life, I'm sure of it.

Cidade de Deus (City of God)

An extremely good movie that deals with the reciprocity of violence and general badness in a refreshingly interesting and relatable way. It's kind of uplifting, actually.


A really really cool movie. Brick takes the classic noir detective themes, plot, etc. and places within the context of a high school. The result is surprisingly cool and the movie is emotionally very intense. It is incredibly fun to watch and altogether engrossing. Bla Blee Blay Blo Bloo.

Enemy at the Gates

A pretty cool movie centered around a Russian sniper during the siege of Stalingrad during WWII. Ed Harris is awesome and the movie is cool in general.

The Transformers - The Movie

Didn't do the show justice by any means.

Super Troopers

One of the best comedies ever.

Road to Perdition

Road to Perdition is a fantastic movie. If you have not seen it you should change that immediately.

The Pirates of Penzance

I remember this being awesome. There's this cop with wobbly legs, and a dude who is reportedly the very model of a modern major general.

Predator 2
Predator 2(1990)

This movie was terrible. Everything that was mediocre but apparently groundbreaking in the first one just turned to crap here. Plus I think something was wrong with Danny Glover's back, he just kept feebly wobbling all over the place.

AVP - Alien Vs. Predator

Seeing as I saw it a whole 3 years ago, I honestly don't have a clue how bad this movie was, but I'm gonna try to be pretty accurate in saying that it was fun because of the title and otherwise a hunk o' junk.

Porco Rosso (Kurenai no buta)

An anthropomorphic pig flies a bright red custom seaplane fighter and has a secret island hideout where he lives in a tent, smokes cigars and drinks wine. Hard to beat.

Kingdom of Heaven

Some great imagery and fantastic battles. Despite Orlando Bloom's inability to display any emotion other than concern, the movie is surprisingly dramatic at times. Thoroughly enjoyable.



Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

The art direction and artistic and visual themes for this movie were awesome. The genre, whatever hybrid genre it is (sort of noir-ish neo-moderny sci-fi-WWII), is an awesome one, and while the movie was actually not that good it is still extremely enjoyable to watch.

The Last King of Scotland

The Last King of Scotland is an interesting movie and is quite well made, but like countless other human tragedy movies it lacks anything really applicable. It serves as an interesting look into the life and drama surrounding Idi Amin, but not much else.

L.A. Confidential

L.A. Confidential at long last presents a cop movie that has depth and artistic inclinations as well as grit and action. Unlike basically every other movie in the genre, it sells out on absolutely nothing. The soundtrack, cinematography, script, acting, and action and everything else are all extraordinary. It also does something extremely rare in balancing every character's flaws and strengths in a realistic way, which is very difficult. One dimensional characters are simple and it is far easier to champion the good guy and hate the bad guy, but there is a recognizable satisfaction when you watch a movie in which the characters are realistic.


This movie comes about as close as a movie can get to changing my life. I am one of the least articulate people to communicate what is so great about it, but it deals with redemption, relationships broken and then brought back together, and a whole bunch of other jib in a truly brilliant manner. It's emphasis on not-so-coincidental coincidences, extraordinary events that can change a life instantly, and the importance of clear communication, compassion, and true repentance stick you like a sharp poke in the ribs, except without the obnoxious jabbing pain.

Last Man Standing

Bruce Willis and Christopher Walken play hard-boiled gangsters in this awesome gun-battle-filled rehash of A Fistful of Dollars. It is an awesome movie.

A Christmas Story

A classic. If you were ever a child in the U.S. during the Christmas season you will find it hilarious without a doubt.

Toy Story 2
Toy Story 2(1999)

Not as good as the first by any means, but extremely enjoyable. The introduction of musical sequences really detracts from the movie, but it is still fun.

The Adventures of Robin Hood

Unbelievably good. My entire life is based on this movie and its animated counterpart.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

This movie was pretty cool, despite the fact that Costner-3000 was somehow cast for the lead.

The Vikings
The Vikings(1958)

A thoroughly hearty movie that makes you want to pillage, drink, and sing.

The Big White

This movie kind of wishes it was Fargo with the exception of its central theme or message. While Fargo was excellently made, it lacked anything applicable or important in what it said. The Big White is similarly done and uses much of the same imagery (and almost the same plot), but has much more emotional depth and is a valuable commentary on love within relationships, and other stuff too. Robin Williams, Holly Hunter, Giovanni Ribisi, Alison Lohman, and Woody Harrelson all do an awesome job. Its only major flaw is the over goofiness of the "bad guys". You should watch it.

Blood Diamond

Not very good, despite what 99% of the world seems to think. Leonardo DiCaprio does a great job except that he talks, which makes the entire movie preposterous. His poorly faked accent is overbearing. Jennifer Connelly also manages to have a movie ruining performance, coming off as one of the least genuine and most poorly developed characters in a serious drama that I've seen in a while. The movie in general was typical and formulaic, excluding one scene near the end that is tremendous (a diamond on the rough, so to speak). Not that bad a movie overall, but certainly not deserving of praise, and not one I'd recommend.


A cool movie about being good at cards. This makes it virtually impossible for me to understand, but from what I gather its pretty neat.

Smokin' Aces
Smokin' Aces(2007)

This movie was really really fun. It also had a scene in which a man chops himself up with a chainsaw, but every cloud has its silver lining right? There is also a .50 caliber rifle that gets used for WAY more than one shot, and some card tricks! I don't know whay (that's how you say "why" when you move to "Chicagoland") there are so many movies recently that have something to do with magic and tricks and such, but I don't mind at all.

Also, please ignore my quite obviously botched attempt at using the "silver lining" phrase.


This is a really good movie, with its greatest flaw being that the main character is basically a cartoon. To make Mozart flamboyant and naive and impish to the point of obnoxiousness is one thing, but to make him a completely one-dimensional clown incapable of actual conversation is another.

Little Miss Sunshine

Horribly contrived but still pretty good. The teenage boy character was completely abominable and uttterly ridiculous.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

Interesting and cool, but a little bit pointless. Kind of a hipster movie, but it is likeable.

Independence Day

An AWESOME movie. Alien invasions tend to be pretty cool, and this one totally delivers.

Ocean's Eleven

Really fun and super cool.

Ocean's Twelve

Pretty neat, but made no sense and lacked anything new. Not as good as the first by any means.


Based on WHAT?!?!? The ILIAD!!?!?!

Reservoir Dogs

POINTLESS. So it was done well, who cares? This movie was less compelling than a cardboard box.

First Blood
First Blood(1982)

I cannot believe I still haven't seen this. Everytime I go anywhere they seem to have Rambo: First Blood Part II, but never Rambo: First Blood. It's a hard knock life I guess...

UPDATE: Over the weekend I went on a Rambo binge and saw all three movies. First Blood was decent, and had a really great story, despite being insanely cheesy. It's Rambo so I give it three stars.


I'm not even going to try to Eugoogolize this movie.

The Fifth Element

A pretty cool movie. Definitely a must for anybody who likes sci-fi stuff, but a little out there for those who have a stunted imagination. Also, the good aliens that show up at the end are absolutely idiotic looking.

King Kong
King Kong(1933)

If you watch this when you're little it'll blow your mind. If you don't, you have missed out, because watching really awful clay-mation and special effects that you can make in your basement are not nearly as cool when you're older. Definitely a classic, you can tell Fay Wray would've been hot if you were there when it came out 200 years ago, and you can't go wrong with a melodramatic giant gorilla movie.

The Warriors
The Warriors(1979)

An awesome movie, but the campy aspects make it less than brilliant despite adding to the infamous "fun factor".

Ghostbusters 2

Bustin' STILL makes everyone feel good!

Ghostbusters (1984 Original)

It's undeniable. Bustin' makes EVERYONE feel good.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Thoroughly enjoyable and totally epic, the only real problem with The Fellowship of the Ring is, like the sequels, its inability to capture the elements of the story that make it truly compelling. While the Lord of the Rings books are certainly about hobbits and rings and all that fantasy jibber-jabber, they are even more an analogy to the struggle between good and evil in modern times. While not at all an allegory, the story itself is a reflection on very real elements of moral conflict, and the movies fail to capture that altogether.

The Godfather, Part II

While the story is not nearly as compelling as the first and the movie suffers from a more stagnant dynamic with the immobility of Michael as Don, etc., the sequences of a young Vito played by Robert DeNiro are awesome.

Raging Bull
Raging Bull(1980)

Your greatest strength is your greatest weakness, and when your greatest strength is sheer tenacity it makes for some crazy drama. A beautifully shot tragic moral lesson and riveting drama all at once.

The Usual Suspects

Twisty, Turny, and Stephen Baldwin is actually cool!

Flight of the Navigator

The scene in which they play "I Get Around" by the Beach Boys is still etched in my mind, and I haven't seen this movie since 1989.

The Princess Bride

Watch as Inigo Montoya says repeatedly that his name is Inigo Montoya, that this jerk killed his father, and then recommends that he prepare to die. It is dramatic.

V for Vendetta

Aside from the heavy handed political points slipped in there, this movie rocked the house. The idea of art maintaining the keys to liberty and the triumphant nature of the whole movie, as well as the downright cool fight scenes make this one of my all-time favorites. The idea that power is derived from truth and not from the machinations of man is overwhelmingly neglected and tremendously true/cool.


A fast paced, hard-hitting, and tough-edged crime caper. Brad Pitt is completely awesome as Mickey, and it has several of the coolest action sequences ever.

Lethal Weapon

Sgt. Riggs be da bomb yo.

The Rocketeer

"I may not make an honest buck, but I'm 100% American.
And I don't work for no two-bit Nazi."

This movie is AWESOME.

Donnie Darko
Donnie Darko(2001)

I watched this movie a few years ago and I was really tired so I had no clue what the junk actually happened. Also, Frank the bunny terrified me. Having watched it again I find that A) It both makes sense and is excitingly cool. and B) Frank is not that scary. If you like spiritual dilemmas, time travel, mental illness, thinking about things, or social marginality you'll probably enjoy it.

Kill Bill: Volume 1

Quentin Tarantino made it and it came out when I was 18 so it's kind of impossible for me not to like. Also, the yellow motorcycle suit is awesome looking. (Bruce Lee was the man.)

Kill Bill: Volume 2

Even better than the first. Not as good as it is hyped to be, but an incredibly fun and solid movie.


I love this movie.

Live Free or Die Hard

An excellent action movie, with everything you'd expect from a Die Hard film. It was over the top and crazy without being (too) laughable. I enjoyed it a lot and if you're an action movie fan you'll love it.

Rambo: First Blood Part II

Everything blows up, and Sylvester Stallone continues to play the world's most famous action star who's apparently allergic to shirts.


Great premise, terrible movie. Doesn't even qualify as a "stupid-funny" movie.

The Ghost and the Darkness

A cool movie about man-eating lions and trains and stuff. Totally rad.

Cold Mountain

Sentimental nonsense stressing the lack of depth, meaning, or actual love in a relationship, set against the backdrop of the Civil War, which in the director's opinion is apparently just a small complication in the greatest love story ever told. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Jack White represent those "crazy characters" that they apparently had back in the 1860's. Drivel.


5,000 hours of absolute nonsense. Honestly, this is a terrible movie.


It almost hurts to watch this movie. I think I felt slightly nauseous after it as well. Tries way too hard to be hardcore and the visual style of the movie is MASSIVELY annoying.

Pearl Harbor
Pearl Harbor(2001)

Trash! If I had been in WWII I would have punched everyone who was involved in making this movie in the face. Feebly, seeing as I'd be 2,00 years old, but with much sincerity.

Batman Begins

One of the best superhero based movies ever made. I'm not gonna say five stars because casting Katie Holmes was like casting a talking marshmallow, and my expectations and standards for a movie like this are pretty high, but it is definitely a superb movie.

The Sea Hawk
The Sea Hawk(1940)

It'll swash your buckles right off!

Black Hawk Down

A cool movie about a tragic story, definitely worth watching.

The Breakfast Club

I love 80's movies, and I realize that this is kind of a big deal, but I'd feel guilty saying that this was something it wasn't, which is a really quality movie.

Dirty Harry
Dirty Harry(1971)

Maybe it was the mood I was in, or the dry 70's cinematography, but I didn't appreciate Dirty Harry nearly as much as I thought I would. On the other hand, I found myself wondering on several occasions after seeing it if I did indeed feel lucky...

Die Hard: With a Vengeance

More sequel goodness added to an action classic.

Die Hard
Die Hard(1988)

An action classic.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

This movie is epic. I think my expectations were a bit too high because I kind of found myself disappointed, but that also might be because I am ridiculously tired. Anyway it was awesome, and I can see why people go nuts about it.

Blade II
Blade II(2002)

Even better than the first.


Totally awesome. One of the best action movies out there.

The Ten Commandments

The most epic epic ever. It is really epic, and has BOTH Charlton Heston AND Yul Brynner. Whatsername says "Mowzez, Mowzez!" All the time and that can be annoying but otherwise it's great.


Serpico, like most other cop, mob, or corruption movies really grates on my nerves with its overblown drama and intensity, but unlike many of the genre Serpico stresses the moral message of the story. It is far and away one of the best crime/cop movies you'll ever see.

The Man from Snowy River

An altogether awesome movie. Film is a primarily visual medium, so it is surprising to me that so few movies attempt to capture truly beautiful shots. In that respect, this movie breaks the mold. It has an incredibly beautiful shot during a chase scene that is totally epic.


Everybody can just shut their yappers about Waterworld. If you're expecting something deep and significant from a movie called "Waterworld" then you're probably an idiot, otherwise, this movie is a bucket of fun. Costner-3000 gives his best emotionless robo-performance yet as a seafaring hermit.

Dances With Wolves

Wow. This movie is like 400 hours of sentimental new-agey mumbo-jumbo. That, and it stars the great emotionless robo-actor: the Costner-3000. It is pretty much worthless.

Requiem for a Dream

The best thing about this movie is the title. While the movie is neat looking and intense, it is also just a downward spiral into oblivion and if I wanted to learn how to ruin my life I could just watch 5 minutes of TV. On the bright side, it has an excellent soundtrack.

Tango & Cash
Tango & Cash(1989)

The quintessential 80's action movie.

28 Days Later

A really cool movie that is extremely enjoyable. I cannot, however, recommend it too much because there is a scene where a dude gets killed by having his eyeballs smushed in and it was one of the most scarring, horrible things I have ever seen. Otherwise its just really creepy and cool.

28 Weeks Later...

Several cool scenes of napalm in the streets of London, helicopters chopping up zombies, and snipers shooting people, but otherwise pretty lackluster. Plus it had ANOTHER eye-squishing scene that was even worse than the first. I had to look away.


One of the few sports movies that I consider truly worthwhile.

Team America: World Police

One of the more vulgar and crass movies I have ever seen. It is also one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. If you are too mature and refined to enjoy stupid physical humor then take your high-brow and prudish countenance and be away with you, but otherwise this movie is hilarious. It also has the best synopsis and analogy of U.S. foreign policy I have ever heard.

Interview with the Vampire

While vampires are traditionally held as the stuff of cheap horror movies and other ridiculousness, they can actually be seen as an effective mythological foil for the human condition. The struggle to be and do good is in conflict with our nature, and the "vampiric condition" is much the same. The idea of a vampire struggling against the urge to take life, or an altruistic vampire, is a pretty cool idea. This movie basically deals with that issue, although it is insanely long and has so much overblown drama that I found it irritating. The other problem this movie has is an abundance of pseudo-sexual dude-vampire on dude- vampire interaction, which weirded me out on several occasions.

2001: A Space Odyssey

Possibly the most overrated movie of all time. It is a classic so I recommend watching it and then let's talk about how it is useless.

Almost Famous

Sentimental Drivel. It really is total crap. I have never seen a more pointless movie more pointlessly told.


It was fun to watch for the most part, but as a cautionary tale it is just kind of obnoxious. This is another movie that everyone tells me I'm crazy for not liking.


An amazingly clever and groundbreaking movie that has absolutely nothing to say. It's just sort of interesting.

X2: X-Men United

Colossus was in one scene, and as opposed to the third movie, he was cool in that one scene. 4 stars.

Spider-Man 2
Spider-Man 2(2004)

The Green Goblin is totally lame compared to Doctor Octopus, so Spiderman 2 gets 3 three stars. I actually thought Spiderman 2 was also a better movie altogether than the first, although the ending completely blows.


I have pretty high standards and expectations for movies that deal with stuff I'm into, so when they went ahead and made a mockery of a movie about Spiderman I was equally pleased and annoyed. It was fun and cool to see, but at the same time could have been so much better.

Lord of War
Lord of War(2005)

I really liked this movie even though it completely misused Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah". I honestly can't remember the reason that I didn't like it, but I remember it had a huge flaw that really annoyed me so I'm only going to give it three and a half stars.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Maybe the coolest of the three Lord of the Rings movies. While it possesses the same flaws as the other two, it also has the added detriment of introducing the Legolas surfing thing, which was absolutely ridiculous. In a movie concerned with orks, hobbits, and talking trees, the utmost gravity is required.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

For a movie with the potential to be really epic, Return of the King fell flat. It was fun to watch and overall pretty good, but I have a lot of criticism for this movie's inability to portray the significant aspects of the story it was telling.

The Matrix
The Matrix(1999)

Possibly the best action movie of all time. Between the amazing special effects, the mind-blowing action, and the perfectly portrayed story of the triumph of truth, the Matrix stands apart from pretty much every action movie ever. One of the most complex and deep action movies you'll ever see.

The Matrix Reloaded

It was pretty cool, but went nowhere.

The Matrix Revolutions

Revolutions nailed the coffin shut on the horrifying zombie-like creature the trilogy had become. While it of course had some cool action and was altogether entertaining, the ground-breaking coolness of the first was definitely not repeated, and the pseudo-messianic or at least anti-totalitarian message of the triumph of humanity was totally lost.

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

This might be the best movie in the best trilogy ever created. Why you ask? Well I'll tell you. It has a yeti, snow, and colossal four-legged walking tanks.

Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi

The totally epic conclusion to the most totally epic trilogy ever. One of the greatest movies of all time.

Underworld: Evolution

A little bit too much and certainly not as good as the first, but enjoyable.


While Kurt Russel is a little hard to believe as Wyatt Earp, the cinematography is sort of generic, and Bill Paxton is laughable, the movie is altogether really good. Val Kilmer is ridiculously entertaining as Doc Holiday.

The Thin Red Line

A pretty cool war movie and a really beautiful film, The Thin Red Line is definitely one I'd recommend. Its only weak point is its slow pace, but if you have the patience it's altogether excellent.

For a Few Dollars More (Per Qualche Dollaro in Più)

It's pretty obvious that this, like the other two "man with no name" movies, has had a great deal of influence in film-making. What really surprises me, though, is how on multiple occasions the plot took twists that were not at all transparent, and how much better "For a Few Dollars More" executes the various scenes that have become widespread to the point of cliche in the action genre. Ennio Morricone of course tears it up with a perfect soundtrack.

A Fistful of Dollars (Per un Pugno di Dollari)

My background in Spaghetti Westerns and particularly Clint Eastwood movies is pretty weak, so I didn't know what to expect from A Fistful of Dollars. What I should have expected was to be totally blown away. Virtually every aspect of the movie, whether technical or artistic, is perfect. Ennio Morricone's Soundtrack sets a gold standard for film scores, perfectly complimenting every scene, and the action, which I thought would be lackluster, is some of the coolest ever. It manages to maintain the wild west six-shooter feel without surrendering any adrenaline.

The Illusionist

The Illusionist was decent, but vastly overshadowed by The Prestige, which shares a common theme and came out around the same time. The Illusionist does contain an altogether awesome ending though.

American History X

A great movie, dealing in a harsh way with a harsh topic.

Edward Scissorhands

A heartwarming tale of kinda unrequitable love and a guy who has scissors for hands.


A little worse than the Matrix for the most part, but incredibly good and very similar. It has some mind-blowing action scenes.

Reign of Fire

Modern warfare against dragons in a post apocalyptic environment is the stuff dreams are made of. Maybe not the most cerebral film ever created, but it's pretty awesome nonetheless.

Lady in the Water

I think that because people expected an actually frightening movie they neglected to realize that this was intended to be a suspenseful bedtime story, not a thriller. With that in mind, it can actually be very enjoyable, although the monkey dudes are pretty retarded looking.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Completely over the top, but a ton of fun. Davy Jones and Jack Sparrow are awesome.


One of the best gun battles ever captured on film, and an intense story of rivalry between two men who are very much the same, but on different sides of the law.

The Godfather, Part III

Not nearly as good as the first two, but retains the classic and iconic feel of its predecessors.

Good Will Hunting

An awesome story. Kind of a classic, and a particularly great movie for any college student.

Léon: The Professional

A great movie. It has a surprising and unique blend of really heartfelt drama and keister-whuppin' action. Definitely at the higher end of the spectrum of movie quality.


A surprisingly fun and cool movie. If you enjoy mythology, vampires, or matrix-esque action, this movie is right on.

A.I. Artificial Intelligence

This movie is long and sort of weird, but really very good. It basically deals with the exhaustibility of humanity and the inexhaustibility of human affection. Powerful themes, although I had to watch it twice (several years apart) to really appreciate it.

Minority Report

I don't remember this movie very well, but I do remember thinking it was awesome. Plus Tom Cruise has to run around without his eyeballs in or something, and that's always a cute idea.

The Buccaneer

One of the Swashbucklin'est movies to ever sail the Spanish Main! Plus, Charlton Heston as Andrew Jackson? Kickin' Yo'!

Young Guns
Young Guns(1988)

Whoever made this movie was an idiot. Case Closed.

Fantastic Four

Yeah, this movie was not very good. The only person well cast was Chris Evans, and everything else about the movie smelled. THAT'S RIGHT: SMELLED!!!

Dumb and Dumber

Anyone who doesn't find this movie at least mildly amusing probably hates their life. I'm not kidding.

Rob Roy
Rob Roy(1995)

An incredibly underrated (or at least overlooked) liberty-or-death/I-won't-take-any- more-of-your-pansy-british-crap movie. It's awesome, and the kill scene at the end is absolutely awesome.

Gangs of New York

Once again, a bazillion hour long pointless extravaganza that is really pretty good, but is so meandering and drunk with its own self-importance it never really moves you. It needed more down-to-earth pathos and less big-dealosity.


Well I thought they butchered the movie but it was pretty awesome to finally see the X-Men on the silver screen. Plus, Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart were outrageously good.

X-Men: The Last Stand

The third installment is always the worst it seems.

All the President's Men

I don't remember it too well, but I do recall being fascinated with journalism and really enjoying the movie, and this was when I was fifteen, so it must've been pretty decent.

All The King's Men

Awful and about two and a half years long. Do not watch!

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Like Snatch, but not quite as good.

Thank You for Smoking

An amazing movie that refrains from putting too much spin on a message about putting way too much spin on things. The power of rhetoric and the mental susceptibility of a person without logic are some of the more valuable lessons people in the world today should learn.


It's about Aliens, (like...THE aliens) so its pretty cool, but I remember this one being significantly more static than the others.

Alien Resurrection

As I remember it, this movie wasn't half bad. I do recollect that the Aliens swim in this one, and that is totally freaky.


Maybe not as quality as the first, but certainly more fun. The Aliens meet some hardcore marines with smart guns and epic action ensues.

Galaxy Quest
Galaxy Quest(1999)

I remember this fondly, but not very well.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Two stars for being called "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Otherwise it completely missed the mark. I do think that Douglas Adam's humor can be captured at least to some degree on screen, but they did a miserable job. The only really good thing about this movie was Mos Def as Ford Prefect.



No but seriously, this movie is amazing. It is one of the few "sports" movies that is a true classic.

Rocky III
Rocky III(1982)

Probably the best of the sequels, not because the movie is that good, but because Mr. T is in it. He plays a dude named Clubber Lang, and he's obviously freakin' awesome. Actually nevermind, this is the best movie ever.

Casino Royale

Probably the best Bond film ever made from a technical standpoint. Virtually every aspect of the movie is excellent, although Sean Connery isn't in it, so it loses half a star. Daniel Craig plays the most human and the most hardcore Bond yet.

The Last Samurai

Aside from being of overall quality, there is a scene in which ninjas attack a village of samurai. And they fight. This is therefore one of the greatest movies of all time.

Vanilla Sky
Vanilla Sky(2001)

A surprisingly intelligent and artistically exciting movie altogether. Tom Cruise actually does an excellent job in this movie, and Penelope Cruz is ridiculously appealing. This has one of film's most surprising and entertaining endings.

Starship Troopers

Maybe an interstellar war between humanity and an overly aggressive army of space bugs is not the most cerebral or socially significant theme a film can visit, but it sure is fun to watch.

The Hudsucker Proxy

You know...for the kids!

The Iron Giant

It stars a giant robot from outer space. That is enough for 5 stars right there.

Schindler's List

Amazing. This movie proves that, aside from his numerous blockbusters, Spielberg is truly a master of filmmaking.

The Prestige
The Prestige(2006)

The Prestige, a film recently released by Touchstone pictures, is amazing. Memento I did not like, and while The Prestige has a lot in common with it, Christopher Nolan really outdid himself this time. There are all the key ingredients to a good movie: Electricity, Clones, and David Bowie. Plus you can't really mess up a movie with Batman, Wolverine, Ebenezer Scrooge, Smeagol, and Ziggy Stardust all in it at the same time.

Children of Men

That's right folks, you (probably) heard it here first: "Children of Men" is a massively magical musical masterpeice! It actually is not a musical, but it DOES feature a dude getting clobbered with a car battery, Ebenezer Scrooge smoking (strawberry?) pot, bombs, guns, tanks, bombs, in your head, in your head, they are fighting and the best chase scene I have ever seen in any movie ever in my life. Think about this: You're trying to escape crazy homicidal terrorists right? So you disable their vehicles, get in the only working car and try to drive away. BUT THE CAR WON'T START! So you roll it down a hill and try to start it while you're rolling, but it won't start and the H.T.'s (Homicidal terrorists) are closing in because they've got crazy rubber legs that allow them unfathomable speed, and then you get to the bottom of the hill but the car hasn't started and they have guns and are angry and I won't spoil it for you but I have never seen a chase scene that was so ridiculously funny and tremendously riveting all at once. The End.


300, Frank Miller's second big movie based on his "graphic novels", otherwise known as comic books, was gratuitous. The characters were gratuitous, their relationships were gratuituous, the script was gratuitous, the message of freedom at all costs was gratuitous, the fights were gratuitous, the sex scenes were gratuitous, the bad guys were gratuitous, Xerxes voice was gratuitous, the cinematography was gratuitous, the film effects were gratuitous, the close-ups of writhing scantily-to-non clad females was gratuitous, the soundtrack was gratuitous, the credits were gratuitous, Gerard Butler's voice was gratuitous, the bazillions of images of mostly naked oiled-up greek men was gratuitous, everything was gratuitous. And, it was gratuitously awesome. I can't believe how overblown everything in this movie's like if everything you owned was made of polished chrome, or every time you spoke you had to bellow at the top of you lungs. It was WAY too much, and pretty darned cool.


GAME OVER. This is GAME OVER for every movie ever to be created from now until the end of time. I have lived 22 years now, and in all of those years nothing this cool has ever happened. It was sweet when I got this toy castle when I was 5 with a Robin Hood playset. It was awesome when I ate 11 peices of pizza when I turned 11. It was awesome when I was 20 and went through a Burger King drive thru. But NONE of that even closely compares to when I was 22, and saw TMNT. This movie is bodacious. When I was a young boy, my parents would not allow me to watch the show or own any of the toys or merchandise, and when the movies came out, I could not see them. Like the Nazis of WWII, the Mongols of ancient Mongolia, or the Salem Witch Prosecution of the Salem Witch Trials, my parents thought that ninja stuff and all this "balderdash and hooliganery" of these "overgrown rabble-rousing amphibians" would turn me into some sort of weirdo when I got older. Boy where they wrong. I would be totally awesome right now if I had seen it all earlier. Anyway, I am pretty awesome anyway because TMNT kicked the crap out of me in ways I didn't know possible. There was only one flaw, and it's the same flaw in pretty much everything else too:


I don't get it. You make a thing (comic book, tv series, movie quadrilogy) about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and one of them ends up loving pizza, using nunchucks, and being more totally awesome than all the others and so you have like one scene devoted to him? Non sequitur bro, NON SEQUITUR. "That s#%* doesn't even make sense!" as my cat (Professor Thundermittens) would say. Well anyway it was awesome. Did I mention it had 13 Monsters, all of whom were totally awesome looking? Did I mention also that it had 5 IMMORTAL KNIGHTS WHO DID CRAZY STUFF WITH A PORTAL!?!?!?! DID I MENTION THAT THERE WAS MEGALOMANIA, NINJA CLANS, AND 13 MONSTERS!?!?!?!


5 stars fo' sho'.


Crash attempts and succeeds at the difficult and often botched task of addressing racial and cultural stigmas in modern society.

Fight Club
Fight Club(1999)

The scene at the end with the buildings crashing down to the Pixies "Where is my mind" is one of the mostest awesomest I've ever seen.

Pan's Labyrinth

A really beautiful movie, punctuated by some really startling violence. Its biggest flaw was that it lacked any message of real substance.

The Incredibles

One of the best looking and most entertaining kids movies ever in my opinion.

Forrest Gump
Forrest Gump(1994)

One of the best movies ever in my book. It's totally awesome.

Big Fish
Big Fish(2003)

Tim Burton hits the nail on the head with this movie. It's called Big Fish because its about a family of huge fish that can talk. Then they are abducted by aliens and fly to the moon, where they are brainwashed, outfitted with lasers and rocket launchers, and sent back to earth to assasinate Mr. T. Mr. T of course then pwns them like n00bs.


This movie was just plain awesome.

The Man Who Wasn't There

Plucks at the hearstrings and excites your visual receptors. I don't know why I put it that way, but it does. One of the greatest movies I've ever seen.


The movie that brought the epic back, and one of the more compelling "give me liberty or give me death" movies ever.

The Royal Tenenbaums

In every way one of the best movies I have ever seen. Equally a story of redemption, a comedy on family life, and a audio/visual work of art.

Three Kings
Three Kings(1999)

This movie is just awesome. You should watch it. A cow blows up in one scene, and there is all sorts of funny.

Bottle Rocket

Wes Anderson's first movie is a little more meandering and less compelling than his others, but still extremely enjoyable.


Rushmore hits truths that are a little less universal than The Royal Tenenbaums or The Life Aquatic, but is nonetheless brilliant.

Mars Attacks!

Aliens (Martians, to be specific) attack and it is awesome.


What the junk?!?! This move was ridiculous and pointless. I can be pretty sentimental but this was absurd. I can't believe it was such a big deal.


It was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Although it DID have Daredevil...

Spider-Man 3
Spider-Man 3(2007)

Like almost every modern trilogy, Spiderman 3 was a terrible mess of desperation for epicness. The only cool thing about it was Venom.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End

Two and a half hours of over-budgeted attempts to make an epic plot out of a very simple story. Basically it was a bunch of jibba-jabba lacking any of the fun of the second or swashbuckliness of the first until the end, when things finally got cool. It was about pirates though, so I loved it.

The Departed
The Departed(2006)

Everybody's freaking out about this movie, and while it was good, I thought it was just more of the same. It had some great plot twists but otherwise not one of Martin Scorcese's better movies.

War of the Worlds

Aliens in giant long-legged laser-shooting machines bent on the destruction of civilization? I'm in.