dizzynorman's Movie Ratings - Rotten Tomatoes

Movie Ratings and Reviews

The Children's Hour
½

One of the most fearless films I've ever seen. Going into this I assumed that the lesbian themes would be watered down, but they just go at it head-on without any hesitation. I can't imagine how this must have shocked people back in the day. The acting is phenomenal and I loved seeing my beloved Audrey in an honest-to-goodness dramatic role. No ribbons, bows, or Tiffany's here, this is gritty and human and genuine.Shirley MacLaine, another one of my favorites, is remarkable as a silently tortured woman. You can see the pain in her eyes during the most downplayed moments. I recommend this film to anyone looking for a solid, timeless drama. I really feel it hasn't aged a bit.

Happenstance
Happenstance(2000)

The movie can be summed up in one sentence "Life is coincidence". While this is a premise which fascinates us all, it really doesn't fascinate as the premise of an entire movie. What most bothered me about the movie were the random moments in which the characters seemed to tell us the movie's themes in glaringly direct and clunky dialogue. The plot would be churning along and then somebody would say, "Isn't it funny how everything in life can depend on the most minor and random of events?". Duh, people, we get it. All the same, it was filled with fun characters, interesting situations and an intelligent framework.

Drag Me to Hell

As a comedy, this film is stellar. What is most important is that I think the filmmakers were actually trying to make a humorous movie, which is refreshing coming from the horror genre. It was so absurd at moments (old lady gumming anyone?) that I became a little sad that the ending didn't live up to the whole. Probably a movie best appreciated by horror-nerds, but fun for a bit of trashy amusement.

A Matter of Taste

This movie sucked so bad. It fails on the level of shock, technique (the cinematography sucks) and narrative (total snooze fest). It's like someone took the premise of Vertigo and watered it down with a bunch of soy sauce and homoeroticism. Gah, it made me angry just watching it.

Sleepy Hollow

A ghastly film. An insane waste of talent and fog machines. I mean it's just ludicrous. Miranda Richardson controlling a headless ax-wielding Satan ninja to secure a land fortune. Christina Ricci being painfully bland. Christopher Walken being exploited Torturous.

Alice in Wonderland
½

A fantastically misunderstood movie. This is not supposed to be an interpretation of Lewis Carroll's book but rather a continuance of it. This film is about the nature of fantasy and what role it plays in our lives from childhood up through adulthood. As Alice's reality becomes more grim and hopeless, so do her fantasies. There are incredibly mature themes buried here for those willing to do some thinking. Feminism is only the tip of the iceberg in a film that playfully and morbidly takes on sexuality, conformity, and suffering. Those who complain about the film either say the visuals are too bleak or the narrative is too flat. Neither is the case. Certainly there is a cloud hanging over Underworld, but it is simply the threat that Alice will soon lose her ability to hope. Genius.

The Wild Bunch

This film brings together a group of the most filthy, repulsive, grizzled, fat, wrinkly, disgusting, amoral, bland men imaginable and asks you to cheer for them as they do horrible things to men, women and children alike. Somehow it succeeds. I was cheering. Didn't say I felt good about it. William Holden is almost completely unrecognizable as the anti-hero and the only other characters that stand out are a bunch of flouncy, offensive Mexican whores. But man, that last fight-scene rivals the lunacy and violence of anything in Tarantino.

Scent of a Woman

It took me a long time to get into (and actually consistently watch) this film. There was something off-putting about it's pretentious tone and the collection of private schoolboys. Needless to say, there was something Incredibly off-putting about Al Pacino's character as well. But by the end, I had been completely won over. I may not have stood up and cheered, but I was thrilled and delighted by the paths the two characters had taken. It was all a little pat, a little cheesymagoo, but Chris O'Donnell and Al Pacino rocked the socks off these rolls (even with prior's incredibly 90s hair). And, as in all of his films, I wanted to kick Philip Seymour Hoffman in the balls. God, that man.

Cool Hand Luke
½

As a film lover, I often feel obligated to say that I like all classic films. However, I never give into this feeling of obligation. I didn't particularly enjoy this movie. It had many things going for it, but in the end it kinda is weighed down under the late-60s peculiarities in narrative, cinematography and direction. Paul Newman is likable, but only because he's Paul Newman, not because he is Luke. And (this point being completely personal and irrelevant for readers) I don't engage with hyper-masculine movies.

Savage Grace
Savage Grace(2007)

Woah freaking buddy, I love me some good times when it comes to dark eroticism and this film did not disappoint. There is hardly a moment that is not just dripping with awkward tension, sometimes so awkward the very screen feels possessed. The final sex scene ranks among one of the most uncomfortable I've seen. Julianne Moore is fantastic, as freaking always (God I love that woman). I can see where a lot of criticism can be made about the film having no point, and I agree. It's not like I'm going to be watching this film again. The characters are hopelessly amoral, there is nothing to be learned, and other than the shock value, it's not all that entertaining. But even so, it's a film you will never, ever forget.

Boys Town
Boys Town(1938)

Okay, this movie made me cry. Sure it just throws sentiment in your face willy-ass-nilly and the heartstrings rarely get a break. But Spencer Tracy, and especially Mickey Rooney, were great to watch and it made for another great classic feel-good evening.

Proof
Proof(2005)

While seeming slight as a film, I did care a great deal about these characters and I love how they made mathematics into an accessible, profound passion. It also didn't hurt that the actors were all top-notch.

Shutter Island
½

A much-appreciated departure in style and genre from Scorcese. The tension is kept high and the mood is uniquely creepy. It the end, however, it seems like a gimmick film, less satisfying than Psycho or The Others (but more satisfying than The Sixth Sense). One of my favorite books as a teen, I Am The Cheese, pretty much did the same thing so I saw the finale coming from quite a distance. Perhaps I am being overly snobby, but it is a twist below the dignity of the talent involved.

Bell, Book and Candle
½

I watched this for the obvious reason that Vertigo is my favorite movie. Let's just say it's a far cry from that film. There is not a single funny moment, not even one worthy of a polite chuckle. The romance is so bereft of chemistry or intrigue that one could possibly forget that Novak and Stewart had the ability to make the screen sizzle. The plot wanders, plodding along without direction or structure, until it reaches a conclusion so unsatisfying it could be called tragic. The cast is as top-notch as they come, which leaves you wondering why Jack Lemmon agreed to be completely wasted at the height of his career. I can't really think of anything positive to say.

Once
Once(2007)
½

I feel this is a movie for musicians rather than film lovers. The music is beautiful, but it hardly supports a story that could have been told in ten minutes. Boy meets girl, boy and girl click, boy and girl part ways. When they aren't singing, the characters are not interesting enough to care about. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone who hasn't fancied themselves in a band.

Ein Leben lang kurze Hosen tragen

As far as serial killer movies go, this one was pleasantly restrained and thoughtful. It was, however, rather slight and could have benefited from exploring other characters psyches and subplots along with Jurgen's. The psychology was rather pat and I felt that they were trying too hard to understand what can never be understood.

The Rose
The Rose(1979)

I was proud and elated that the filmmakers did not go down the easy route of showing a female rock-star slowly and painfully destroying herself with drugs. Though this was central to the narrative, almost no time was devoted to her downfall and that is what gave this movie it's heart. Nearly the entire film focuses on Rose's personality, her dreams, pain, ambitions, love, and heartache which gives us more insight into why a person would do hard drugs than watching them shoot up ever would. Bette Midler is an unstoppable force of nature, off-putting and charming at the same time. Between the sweet love scenes and the explosive musical numbers, there's hardly a dull spot throughout. One of the better musical 'biopics' I've seen.

L.I.E.
L.I.E.(2001)
½

I definitely think this a film that received critical attention more for its scandalous subject matter over anything else. Without the pedophilia/teenage prostitution element (which is difficult to imagine) I can't see this film having any redeeming qualities beyond some passable acting. It's a gross movie, which is not a critique so much as it is a statement of fact. The opportunity to show the internal suffering of a young, damaged and possibly gay teen is not entirely taken and instead more emphasis is placed on his substitute paternal figure wanting to molest him. The scenes with Billy Kay were most enjoyable as he bears a striking (insane) resemblance to a young Christian Bale. As far as pedophilia films go, however, I strongly prefer Little Children.

Orlando
Orlando(1993)
½

Fiercely unique and non-conformist, this film actually becomes more bearable (and even lovable) as it progresses. Tilda Swinton's face was made for filming and her natural androgyny is perfect for the part. I found the sequences when she is a woman more enjoyable but that may merely be because I prefer women.

The Song of Bernadette
½

The film loses steam once Bernadette goes to a nunnery and it can be excessive and wandering. The film is over 2.5 hours long which seems unnecessary given the subject. Shrunk down a bit though it could have been a real gem. I'm not sure how much acting Jennifer Jones does here but she pulls off dumb and sweet pretty well. She's like a smiling, glowing dunce that you can't help but admire.

Avatar
Avatar(2009)
½

I broke down and saw it, figuring I was denying myself a piece of pop culture by avoiding it. I had no interest in seeing this film and could barely justify seeing it even after learning it had become the highest earning film of all time (given the ridiculousness of such a statistic when factoring inflation and raised 3D prices). It was exactly what I expected without one surprising moment. The film is visually radiant and the story is hollow, cold and contrite. Without strong personalities to pull it off (other than Weaver) the thin narrative is most glaring and obnoxious. The themes and message are overly simplistic. Because of this, the action sequences are without emotion. If it hadn't been so damn pretty...

Watch on the Rhine

The writing in this film (thanks to its novelist screenwriter) is surprisingly zesty and clever. The characters (save for some overacting children) seem real and it is easy to care for their plight. I wouldn't say the plot is entirely gripping and it bordered at times on pure propaganda. Bette Davis is the big name but she doesn't play an enormous part, merely fleshes out an excellent ensemble cast. Released in the same year as Casablanca, 1943 was obviously a dark year at the movies where the good vs evil cliche actually took on some realistic and topical meaning.

The Hangover
The Hangover(2009)
½

I saw this drunk and thought it was hysterical. Then I saw it sober and thought it was only chuckle-worthy. That pretty much sums up the tone of this entire film. It's stupid and broad and a whole lot of fun when you are wasted.

The Great Lie

A forgettable melodrama, notable only for its solid performances.

An American in Paris

As far as song and dance goes, it is impressive. However, I need a little bit more from my musicals and this film's plot is neither funny, innovative or involving.

Marnie
Marnie(1964)

A good departure for Hitchcock, studies one of his favorite mysteries, the trauma of female hysteria. He was so possessive and creepy with Tippi Hedren during the fliming that they never spoke again. Way to be Hitch, that's how the ladies like it. Fat, bald AND creepy.

Leaving Las Vegas

This is a movie about life without hope. It's not easy to watch, but I think it's very important to realize that there are many people who want nothing more than to die, even when they can't fathom suicide. As a film it is well done. Some of the editing is a little self-involved and the last shot is too Lifetime for my taste, but the opening gave me literal chills. Of course, I'm a sucker for a delayed title sequence. Never gets old.

Twelve O'Clock High
½

I hate war movies and this was no exception. I barely even paid attention it was so slow and boring. So what, ho hum, blah blah.

Captains Courageous

A super coming of age story with great acting and fun naval scenes.

My Cousin Vinny
½

There was something incredibly bland about this film. It felt like no more than a concept, an entire movie based on a culture clash. The trial itself was engineered and pat. Marisa Tomei won the Oscar, but her performance wasn't any better than something on the Sopranos. I barely laughed the entire time.

Shine
Shine(1996)

The piano scenes made me weep and the Rachmaninoff was one of the most masterful, innovative musical moments I've seen in film. The film seems to focus more on Helfgott's adolescence than his adulthood which makes the Geoffrey Rush scenes almost feel like a different movie. As a piano player I don't really find it all that surprising that the Rachmaninoff literally made the man's head explode. It could do that to anybody.

Miracle on 34th Street

The Santa bits were pure magic and the little Dutch girl made me tear up. The only flaw would be the speed with which Maureen O'Hara's character develops. In one scene she is brutally cynical, in the next she is a believer and there really is nothing to warrant the change. But Edmund Gwenn and Natalie Wood are super and I can't believe it took me so long to see such a classic.

The Piano
The Piano(1993)
½

Ugh, this movie was torturous. The characters were agonizingly shallow and anything that was supposed to be sexy was repulsive and creepy. It felt like a film adapted from a self-absorbed novel.

The Grapes of Wrath

A fine adaptation, but it really does much better as a book. The plot line is so slow and sparce that it needs Steinbeck's prose to flesh it out. But there's nothing wrong with the film, it's just a bit boring.

Death Note: The Last Name (Desu n˘to 2)

This film was a lot more intense than the first one and put together a lot better. The weakness of the first one could have been due to a serious lack of resolution and immediacy. I'm actually kind of glad they changed the ending from the anime version because the cartoon (with L's successor) was really lame. The ending in this film was great.

Death Note (Desu n˘to)

I was a big fan of the anime Death Note. It was one of the first animes I ever got into and was totally hooked by the end of the first episode. I watched the live action ones with a friend and was a tad disappointed. I will admit that they did a good job of condensing the story and cutting out the weird tangents of the cartoon, but the production values weren't all I could have hoped for. The Shinigami looked incredibly fake, the cinematography was cheap and the music was lacking. I liked the 2nd film a lot more though.

Erin Brockovich

I've always thought Julia Roberts can act so that was no surprise. People give her a bad rap because she is so pretty and happy all the time. But it really shouldn't be a surprise that pretty happy people with big teeth can act too. As far as the movie, it was good but wasn't as triumphant as it could have been. It kinda just fizzles out by the end.

Kitty Foyle
Kitty Foyle(1940)
½

This film was so fiercely bland and clunky that I wanted to throw a brick at my TV. All the gimmicks, from the stupid (and 100% unrelated) opening to the overuse of the freaking snowglobe and the campy 'woman in the mirror' narration were just dumb. Ginger Rogers seems like a nice gal and she acts passably, but I don't think she has the kind of star appeal necessary to pull off such a central role. Plus, I hated her hair. Hated it.

The More the Merrier
½

Alright, the ending was so profoundly bizarre that I had a bit of trouble figuring out what they were going for. Was Jean Arthur balling hysterically supposed to be funny, romantic or dramatic? The movie overall was really quite good, lots of funny bits and an interesting premise. Once Charles Coburn was out of the picture, however, it started to drag a bit.

Todo sobre mi madre (All About My Mother)
½

I just popped my Almodovar cherry with this film. I dunno man, it just seemed to want to smash my face in with symbolism and feminism. Now I am a passionate feminist, but when the paragraphic ode to women closed the film, I really didn't buy it all that much. How was this movie an homage to women? Yes, it is filled with women (and MTF transsexuals) but that's not enough for me. The films real strengths were the inclusion of All About Eve and Streetcar and I found myself wanting to watch those films (which are more decisive, groundbreaking odes to women without a doubt) It was, however, very well done and it will not be keeping me from furthering my Almodovar experiment.

Life Is Beautiful (La Vita Ŕ bella)

Stunning perfection. It has been a painfully long time since a film affected me like this. Even the next day I burst into tears (several times) when thinking about the various moments in this film. It is the combination of life's most gorgeous moments with the most devastating that makes the movie so unique and magical. When the little boy (who is about as cute as I believe possible) sees the tank and his mouth drops open in awe I just totally lost it. I can't believe it took me so long to see this literal masterpiece.

In Old Chicago
½

It was difficult to empathize with the characters, especially Dion who was just the biggest Zac Efron lookalike douche bag I've ever seen. His only redeeming quality was that he was good looking, but the crap he pulls on his family and his girlfriend are just bananas. And even though his actions in the final fire sequence didn't completely redeem him, it was an awesome spectacle regardless. One of the most intense fire scenes I've ever seen.

Mighty Aphrodite
½

It was much better than a lot of new Woody Allen but I still struggled to see the point. Furthermore, I've seen quite a ton of Allen films in the last couple months and I'm starting to notice that they are all the same. It's fine for a director to have a style and thematic preferences but it's almost as if he just thinks of a narrative gimmick (in this case the Greek chorus) and then writes the same old movie around it. I'm so sick of watching him sleep with hot women just because he views himself as 'nice' and his self-obsession is getting clunky and irritating.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
½

I was rather impressed by the cinematography and special effects in this film, and the acting was good as well. This has stood the test of time much better than many of its horror peers like Dracula and the like. I actually got a little creeped out at points. Plus, I get a total kick out of watching classic films that were made before the censorship code kicked in. 1931 side boob!!

School of Rock

It has the formula of a typical family film with just enough edge to push it into unique territory. The weakest part is undoubtedly the pat ending where everything is resolved in a matter of minutes. It is however very well cast and every character (with the extreme exception of Sarah Silverman) is quite likable.

Jezebel
Jezebel(1938)
½

Every moment with Bette Davis is a sparkler (which is most of the movie). Very similar to Gone With the Wind, this film lacks the enormity of the latter but is actually a little more tolerable in my book. It lags a bit by the end and is most successful when Bette Davis is being a bitch.

Melinda and Melinda

Both storylines are so slim and worthless that I found myself feeling grateful that there were two as opposed to one. And that's how the whole movie feels; like a film so weak two versions were filmed and neither could stand alone so they just included both. The conceit is fine and rather interesting, it's just the dumb execution that is disappointing. Allen appears to have stopped being able to make good movies which is kinda sad and pathetic.

The Virgin Suicides
½

I'm starting to see a recurring theme to Sofia Coppola's films: The isolated and desperate alienation and boredom of very rich people. See Lost in Translation, Marie Antoinette and this film. Is it possible poor Sophia feels isolated by her trust fund baby artistic privilege?

Frost/Nixon
Frost/Nixon(2008)

Fabulous direction by Ron Howard, not a slow moment in the entire thing. Amazing performances by both Sheen and Langella. It's a total blast watching the subtle sparks fly.

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
½

Funny how this movie is about what happens when Christmas loses its magic...self-reflexivity anyone?

Dark Matter
Dark Matter(2008)
½

Totally loved this film. A breeze of evil blowing on the brilliant snowflakes of naive genius. It was effectively small in scale and simple in structure. I probably liked it all the more considering how much I abhor pretentious academic political bullshit.

Petulia
Petulia(1968)

I was completely enthralled with this film, the characters and the unique style, but when it got to the end it was nothing more than a vacant and typical 60s romp. Certainly it had serious depth and dealt with some complicated subjects, but the flashy way in which it is delivered cheapens it. Overall, a solid film but forgettable.

The Umbrellas of Cherbourg (Les Parapluies de Cherbourg)

A delicate, haunting modern opera. It felt a tad slight and could have done with some more character development, but the music and 60s color explosion (not mention Catherine Deneuve's hair) made up for it.

Where the Wild Things Are

What a weird movie. It feels like a bunch of suicidal artists got together to make a kids movie. These are some of the most depressed monsters I've ever met. Plus, I was sexually attracted to the goat and that made things weird. But God knows why Lauren Ambrose isn't getting some onscreen time these days cause she's gorgeous and just about the most talented thing out there.

Reefer Madness

What a fun movie, tons of camp and carrying on the tradition of Little Shop and Rocky Horror. All of the cast members did a great job and some of the songs are actually quite catchy. I also briefly checked out the original 'serious' film and was amazed by all the elements they retained for this lavish spoof.

L.A. Confidential

A great cast and a twisted engaging plot. It was nice to see Russell Crowe before he got so fleshy and obnoxious. Guy Pearce, where have you gone as of late? It was an obvious throwback to films like The Big Sleep (including some very direct references to that era of noir) but it was modern and fresh enough that it didn't feel too gimmicky. I'm not sure why the Academy thought Basinger deserved an Oscar though, I would have to check out her competition that year.

Bananas
Bananas(1971)
½

Sloppily made but somehow endearing, there was a lot of clever absurdity and a whole lot of random nonsense. I laughed, I didn't cry, and was glad it was short.

Lust, Caution
½

An engaging, bult ultimately cold, erotic thriller. It was unusually long and I could have used more of a payoff for my patience. I didn't feel as if I was able to enter into any of the character's psyches. There was, however, a nice feeling of tension throughout.

Scoop
Scoop(2006)

A nothing movie, nothing offensive, nothing brilliant, nothing lazy, nothing inspired. It made me giggle at points. That's about all that can be said. I'm not quite sure why Woody Allen feels like he needs to put out a movie or more every year. I think he should save up his genius for something a little more weighty than this nonsense.

Muriel's Wedding

This is billed as a hysterical comedy when in actuality it is more of a drama. Muriel's plight and dreams ring true, but the sequence of events is a little disjointed. She learns her own worth and sleeps with an incredible hotty and we all jump up and cheer. It plays in the typical odd style of most Australian films which is an aesthetic I never really got into. It was fun to see a young (and much heavier) Toni Collette knowing full well the wide and fanciful career she would soon embark on. One of my favorite actresses who is literally as versatile as Meryl Streep.

The Saint
The Saint(1997)
½

Absolutely ludicrous. 100% idiotic. A pity really as it has some potential. Once Elisabeth Shue and Val become an item, this film spirals off into a realm worthy of parody. The ending was about as anticlimactic and slurpy as a bowl of aging oatmeal.

Reds
Reds(1981)
½

What a dry dry dry biopic this was. Not to mention blasphemously, insultingly long. It was like watching a documentary on the History Channel, except without the narrative drive. A pity considering the two leads are among my favorite. This movie should have been cut in half. Anybody claiming it to be a masterpiece or whatever is easily persuaded by pretense and the merits of history.

The Princess and the Frog

Ah well, perhaps my expectations were too high. It's a good little flick but nothing even comes near the brilliance of The Little Mermaid or Aladdin. Perhaps the weakest element was the Randy Newman score which feels like a half-hearted fluff job from a composer I don't even like. None of the songs are even strong enough to sustain themselves more than two minutes or so. The plot itself was predictable and a lot of the characters were underwhelming. There was, however, some heart which makes it better than anything from Disney in quite awhile. Raymond the firefly ended up being my favorite bit. Overall it was more on a scale with non-Disney features like Anastasia and All Dogs Go To Heaven.

The Informer
The Informer(1935)
½

A dated morality play about a man who sells his soul. They plop the Judas parallels on you right at the beginning which makes the rest of the film lose it's drive. They even drag him into a church for the final scene in case you missed the point. Overall, though, there's nothing wrong with it, just a bit simplistic.

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio
½

One of Julianne Moore's more subtle and charming performances saves this movie. I could have done without all the gimmicky stuff, but I thought it was a lovely little movie and reminded me of my own mother.

The Blue Lagoon
½

Okay, I make no claims to this being a good movie. However, it was so campy and deliriously sexy that I could not help but enjoy it. Seriously, like a porno with Hollywood production values. Who needs realistic plot points when you have all that tan flesh and stunning locales?

The Good Earth

Ignoring the obvious racism of casting white actors to play the leads, I thought this movie did a marvelous job of telling an epic story. The cinematography was groundbreaking and the struggle felt genuine. Like a Chinese Gone With the Wind with more likable characters.

The Curse of the Jade Scorpion
½

Charming at times but never funny. And I am since relieved that Woody Allen has stopped using his films as vehicles to make out with Hollywood's hottest women. Self-deprecation can only take you so far buddy.

Training Day
Training Day(2001)

How any decent man could become a police officer is beyond me. You would have to be some kind of strong to put up with corruption on both sides of the line. Having dealt with twisted cops and having an uncle who is a (good) cop, I can attest to this kind of thing being real. And it freaks the hell out of me. Anyways, a good movie and a frightening look into America's dark side. Denzel Washington plays one of the most convincing, larger-than-life villains I've seen in awhile. Evil from the very first moment he's on screen, the complexities of his villainy are played subtle in favor of pure terror. I had to keep reminding myself that he seems like such a nice guy in real life, Oscar well-deserved.

Bolt
Bolt(2008)
½

The best Disney animated feature since The Emperor's New Groove. However, when compared to utter crap like Atlantis, Home on the Range, and The Wild, it's not much of a compliment. Still, there's nothing inherently flawed about this movie and it is pleasant to watch. There is heart there, but it is the same heart as any 'lost pet' movie, of which there are already many, 101 Dalmatians, The Aristocats, Homeward Bound to name a few. Bolt was quite similar to Buzz Lightyear and the Rhino wasn't as successful at comic relief as say, Dorey.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

For all of its charm, I failed to see the point beyond the most generic of character studies.

The Wild
The Wild(2006)

The script is awful without a single laughable moment. The only part that come close to redeeming the film is the father/son relationship which feels frighteningly similar (and less inspired) to Finding Nemo and The Lion King. It seriously feels as if they reheated the leftovers from those films and called it a day. Things move so quickly and blandly that even the sentiment feels rushed.

Dead Man Walking
½

There is nothing more dramatic, perhaps on our planet, than the moral dilemma of the death penalty, but Tim Robbins manages to make a smart, graceful movie without pandering to distasteful hysterics. Every moment was underplayed which actually has the effect of creating far more intense emotions. Sarandon and Penn both knock it out of the park and into the parking garage.

As Good as It Gets

I found myself drawn into these characters against my will and almost without reason. I laughed aloud and felt involved and couldn't even begin to explain why. The only glaring flaw I felt was that Hunt and Nicholson's immediate chemistry was obliterated by drawing the end out. Watching them kiss over and over made my stomach do a turn (mostly because Jack reminds me of a sweaty rhino, no offense to Jack)

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

The acting and direction are top notch (Mo'Nique especially deserves major Oscar props). At times it felt a little melodramatic, but over all it was a believable tough sell that managed to keep some hope laced across the proceedings.

The Mother
The Mother(2004)

Whew, wow, I would be hard pressed to find a movie filled with such a fleet of truly reprehensible characters. I wanted to bash every one of them about the face with a cricket bat. Frigid Brits doesn't even begin to describe it. Egad.

Door to Door
Door to Door(2002)

William H. Macy is great and there are lots of touching moments, but the film itself is a bit sparce, probably due to the tv movie format. The subject matter actually would have lent itself to a feature film.

Victor Victoria
½

At turns heavy handed, charming, zany, slow-paced, goofy and touching. It feels like a casserole, part musical, part sex farce, part PSA.

Love in the Afternoon
½

Neither Wilder nor Hepburn's finest hour. There's nothing blatantly wrong about this movie, but nothing outlandishly right either. It plods predictably along, without any of the zaniness or drama that it could have put to good use. It's like an afternoon...long and lazy.

Suspiria
Suspiria(1977)
½

It's obvious that the bar has never been set very high for horror films. The plot and acting in this film are almost irrelevant, cast aside in favor of cool colors and creepy music. Can't we have it all?! The entire production reminded me of The Cell in that regard. Pretty, blood, pretty, blood...stupid.

Being Julia
Being Julia(2004)

The morality and character development of this play were so bizarre and ambiguous. It was as if we were supposed to cheer for Julia when she behaved like a spoiled bitch. That aside, I enjoyed the first half more than the last. It was refreshing and delightful to see cougar Benning romping with young boys.

Bongwater
Bongwater(1998)

There is no doubt that somehow, somewhere, stoned film-school students are receiving funds to make films. Therein, there is no one to blame but the producers. This is a scattered film without drive or ambition, fiercely invested in it's scattered lack of ambition.

The Science of Sleep

Michel Gondry is at it again, combining tactile art with cinema. In fact, that is a major component of this film's theme and it's characters. Gael Garcia Bernal is perhaps the most edible figure of current international cinema. Even when he is behaving like an aberrant douche, one can't help but want to devour the little imp. Comparisons to Eternal Sunshine are unavoidable, but I think that Sunshine is a stronger film. The surrealism of that film served a more solid narrative purpose, whereas the dream sequences in this film are merely that.

Quantum of Solace
½

Completely typical. If they were looking to yank some kind of theme from the revenge scenario, they failed. Instead they merely made a film that is worthless to those who did not see (or did not enjoy) the first film starring Daniel Craig. I saw Casino Royale, but I hardly found it brilliant enough to merit a sequel. Bond is meant to be fluffy and fun. Recently he has been trying to find a niche in the "Pop art" movement. The new Christian Bale Batman franchise, however, overshadows anything in either of these two films.

All That Jazz

I watched this in near tandum with Felinni's 8 1/2 and was just struck with how similar they are. This is Fosse's meta-autobiography and is told with his signature style. Sadly, I didn't feel it was as successful as it should have been. The musical numbers were reflexively indulgent and the obsession with death was a little one-note tuba. But it is by no means a failure and I especially enjoyed watching his complicated relationships with women.

Sweet Charity
½

I loved this movie. Shirley MacLaine is edible (as always) and Bob Fosse continually spices up the narrative with fun innovation. The love story was beautifully genuine and the musical numbers were a whole lot of fun. The only flaw was that it ran a bit long. Some of the numbers could have been shortened or cut out entirely. But it's definitely a clear forerunner to Cabaret, exploring nearly all the same themes and utilizing similar framing and choreography. Cabaret is undoubtedly superior, but Sweet Charity is quite the hidden gem.

8 1/2
8 1/2(1963)

It's simply dripping with inspiration and clever meta-on-meta awesomeness. It is, however, pretty damn clinical and doesn't leave one with anything to hold onto emotionally. But for an artist's homage to himself (what artist has not tried) this film is spunky, twisted, nostalgic and slick as the underside of a peach.

Indecent Proposal

Ummmm, this is an awful movie. Woody Harrelson buys a hippo for a million dollars.

On a Clear Day You Can See Forever
½

This film was the perfect example of a fascinating concept completely blitzed by horrible direction. I have heard that Vincente Minnelli went senile in his later years and this sloppy joe movie seemingly backs this up. Yves Montond and Barbra's alter ego have NO chemistry, which is easily blamed on the fact that they never once share the screen not to mention the musical numbers are bland. Everytime the narrative starts to drag (which is often) Minnelli throws in a tacky gimmick to zest things up. Still, the concept was interesting enough to warrant a remake.

Thoroughly Modern Millie

Though I love musicals, I think this would have played better without the songs. They are so undeniably pointless, the tunes are hardly memorable, and they make the movie far too long. However the cast is so quirky (CAROL CHANNING!!) and the zaniness is so endearing I couldn't help but enjoy myself. Julie Andrews is an angel.

Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice

What surprised me most about this film is its ambiguous approach to the subject matter. I figured it would just be a typical horny 60s sex farce, but it turned out to be a whole lot more dramatic and thought-provoking. Natalie Wood and Dyan Cannon are both miraculously, scandalously hot, Gould and Culp, not so much. The acting is great and the story gets more involving as the film progresses.

The Ballad of Jack and Rose
½

This movie totally creeped me out. I couldn't tell how the film wanted me to feel, which made the creepiness even more creepy. Still, it was fun to watch even if all the characters appeared to be rotting on the inside.

The French Lieutenant's Woman

Though this had all the elements needed for a good period romance, it ends up being less than the sum of its parts. The storyline is both simple and complicated but never engaging. Somehow it all just felt clinical. But the sex scene ranks right up there with the most awkward I have yet to see (outside of my own bedroom that is)

Starstruck
Starstruck(1982)
½

What was most ironic is that I didn't feel the lead actress had any kind of star appeal, but the actor who plays her cousin/manager stole the freaking show. He was so unbearably hilarious I just wanted to eat him. And while the musical productions were a blast, I could rarely understand the lyrics because of the Australian accents and New Wave production.

The Aristocrats

How they made a full-length movie out of this material I will never, ever know. I think just as much could have been said in a 30-minute HBO special. It was pretty funny though. Whoopie Goldberg was my favorite.

The Doors
The Doors(1991)
½

A movie about a man who embodied an era which embodied the culmination of the insane cosmic indecipherable clusterfuck of humanity.

William Shakespeare's 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'
½

If you can believe it, this was actually my first immersion into this world (beyond the toe dipping required for Dead Poet's Society) and it was quite the snooze fest. It was obviously put together by purists who thought that including bicycles counts as literary rebellion. "I know, let's put in bicycles and keep the anticlimactic Pyramus and Thisbe performance in it's entirety. That should keep them riveted."

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
½

We get it Wes, you are quirky. You are also rather dull and you squandered Cate Blanchett. If there were a movie that could prove capable of making me hate film school students even more, this would be it. Directors who keep getting funding for their indulgent inside-jokes make my anus hurt.

Adam's Rib
Adam's Rib(1949)

There are moments of brilliance here interspersed with stretches of dumb filler. I was never convinced that this particular assault case should be used as a feminist vehicle, it just isn't convincing that any kind of prejudice is going on. The scene in which Amanda brings randomass women to the stand to prove...to prove....what, that women can do backflips? Completely ludicrous. The enormous talents of Judy Holliday and Jean Hagen were underused. However, some of it was actually quite funny. I just didn't buy the heavy-handed social commentary. Perhaps it is merely dated.

Girl, Interrupted
½

Overall, this had very little to say other than that it is better to be in reality than in a mental institution. Angelina, however, was a good time. As a crazy person, this could have been better, but the cast was spectacular (though generally underused)

Before Sunrise

One of, if not the best, love stories I have ever seen on film. It's unforgettable. Smart, realistic and magical. Somehow it manages to be engaging with only the slightest hint of narrative conflict. I loved this movie.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

The silliest and raunchiest of all the Monty Python movies. I love vomit jokes (weirdly enough I'm being serious) and thank God I finally found another movie brave enough to keep the puke rolling. Ranks right up there with Team America as far as barf bravado is concerned.

Frida
Frida(2002)

I hate biopics. Frida Kahle is an interesting historical character and Salma Hayek rocked the performance. But watching her fight (let alone have sex) with Alfred Molina disquieted my stomach.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

A bunch of old, impossibly ugly, men running around trying to keep up with their erections (and keep their erections up). It's quite possible that nobody in this movie was sober for the entirety of production. I thought it started out kinda stupid, but once you get the whole cast together at the end, the zaniness feels less forced.

Love Story
Love Story(1970)

A realistic love story turns into one of the bleakest movies I have ever seen. The Ryan O' Neil/Barbra Streisand movie What's Up Doc ends with this dialogue-
BABS: "Love means never having to say you're sorry."
RYAN: "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
I would have to agree. Whoever came up with that line was a big old emotional retard. Because of that sage (idiotic) wisdom, Oliver is now without not only a wife, but also a father.

Nell
Nell(1994)
½

This movie was incredibly moving. There were definitely some heavy-handed moments (the court scene standing out as particularly implausible) and I'm not sure what kind of psychiatrist would recommend for her patient to get naked with a strange man (even more weird was Liam Neeson's already admitted attraction to Nell). But the acting was lovely and I was impressed by the heartfelt commentary on modern society, both pro and con.

The September Issue

Did an adequate job of showing the backend of Vogue. It was also interesting to see Anna Wintour on film as she is one remarkably intriguing character. And by that, I do mean character. You don't learn diddly squat about her inner workings from this film, which is probably exactly how she wanted it.

Collateral
Collateral(2004)
½

Took all the right hints from Hitchcock. A small cast, an irrelevant objective, a damsel in distress, trains, amorality vs. the small man. It was pretty damn exciting and actually had quite a bit of depth. I could have done without the insanely obvious and coincidental narrative device of having Jada Pinkett bookend the plot.

The Devil Wears Prada
½

A little too predictable and superficial for my taste. I found most of the characters to be repulsive and Anne Hathaway was in cutesy Princess Diaries overdrive. I hope she breaks entirely free from the romantic comedy express because she was so much better in Brokeback Mountain and Rachel Getting Married. Meryl Streep was underused (which would have been perfect had the other scenes been as strong)

Empire Falls
Empire Falls(2005)

I watched this movie completely stoned and drunk and then totally forgot I had ever seen it. Then I was walking though the video store and saw it and the entire came rushing back to me which was a little bizarre, like I was recalling a childhood rape. Anyways, from what I remember this was top notch. Brilliant cast, small town nostalgia, and a plot-twist that seemingly comes out of nowhere even though you saw it coming all along.

The Royal Tenenbaums

As far as quirky understated comedies go, I was rather underwhelmed. None of the characters really resonated and I'm sorry but Gene Hackman is never believable as a literary device.

La Moustache
La Moustache(2005)
½

I am so over this kind of film. I've seen so many (David Lynch anyone?) and they have nothing new to offer. Once the point has been made that we cannot understand something (i.e. the human mind) there's no point in making entire movies about it. I was actually excited to watch a traditional psychological thriller and then, plbbb, it dissolved into surrealistic nada.

Fast Times At Ridgemont High

Okay, so I only picked up this movie because I watch iconic films regardless of my own personal opinions. But this film was hardly the stupid immature sex romp I thought it was going to be. It actually had substance, was realistic and honest, and actually made me laugh. Which is saying something because I was terrified going into it.

Superman II
Superman II(1981)
½

Good God. This film is either really really dated or everyone who liked it is out of their minds. It was so incredibly stupid on all levels. Now, I am one who appreciated the cheesy fun of the first film. But this second installment was about as fun as muenster in a box. The plot was disorganized and lame, the love story was flimsy and relatively ignored, the special effects...the special effects...were special. And the climax, which plays out against a set made out of cardboard without background music, was so stupidly paced I just couldn't help but throw melted butter at the screen.

Searching for Debra Winger
½

For the entirety of this decade I've been saying, "Where the hell did Meg Ryan go?" knowing full well the answer was, "She got old and Hollywood abandons old women." And by old women of course I mean 40+. It was good to hear it from so many respectable, talented, and gorgeous older actresses. The only weakness I think was Rosanna's inability to fully capture her own journey throughout the process. But damn, the whole movie could stand alone on Jane Fonda's depiction of the emotional process involved in film acting.

Amarcord
Amarcord(1974)

My Fellini cherry has officially been popped. This was a movie wish lush atmosphere and overpowering nostalgia; zany characters and minimal plot. I was at turns amused, bored, and aroused. It may have been too cliche to have a more conventional protagonist, but I would have enjoyed at least one character that felt tangible.

Breakfast on Pluto

Ummmm...Does anybody else find it weird that Neil Jordan has yet again made a movie about pre-op transexuals against a half-hearted backdrop of political conflict and Stephen Rea? Overlooking the fact that I could barely understand Cillian Murphy through most of the movie, there were some charming scenes as well as some bland confusion.

2046
2046(2005)

Completely incomprehensible and boring. On the surface this film is sensationally gorgeous, but beneath there is not much going on. And knowingly running the risk of being called a racist, I had the most difficult time keeping the parade of Asian actresses apart. This is most likely due to the fact that their characters were so undeveloped rather than that they were all gorgeous Asian ladies with similar haircuts.

Eyes Without a Face

There's some creepy imagery for sure and the music and ambiance are great. Unfortunately I can't really get into horror movies unless there is some kind of moral center or likable characters which there most certainly isn't here. All of the characters are either one-dimensional evil psychopaths or one-dimensional female victims.

Pretty Baby
Pretty Baby(1978)

Ruthlessly vague and morally ambiguous. Also, not a lot happens. But whatever, it was well done and that's something at least. The subject matter and 12-year-old nudity actually demand that the film be well-done at the very least.

Rachel Getting Married

A very strong, awkward, touching family drama. Anne Hathaway is very good but I didn't really see that as a surprise like the rest of everybody.

The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys
½

Though it is predictable in its use of coming-of-age cliches, this film is still incredibly powerful and funny. The comic book scenes are genius. Genius.

The Life of Emile Zola

A movie that makes you want to stand up and cheer for actual human progress. Oddly though, the men seem to age 40 years whereas the women stay young and beautiful. Maybe that's just how it was in 19th century France. : )

A Prairie Home Companion

This is how I wish the midwest was all the time. It is so charming, nostalgic, fragile and lovely. Unfortunately, all I tend to see are the bigots and ignoramouses. But this movie reminded me of my mother and father. Loving and simple, not of mind, but of value.

500 Days of Summer

This movie made me so happy. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is my new happy man. This movie gives hope for romance without being sentimental in the least bit. Not to mention it is wonderfully quirky, touching, and hilarious. All romantic comedies should be like this. It is the Annie Hall for our bitter generation.

Prime
Prime(2005)
½

Meryl Meryl Meryl Meryl. Gah, what you're doing in this movie I may never know. It's not a comedy (almost nothing is even slightly humorous) and the romantic leads are rather cardboard. Uma is an excellent actress but Bryan Greenberg (oh my, he's actually Jewish?!) is boring like lemon water. There are so many ridiculous moments when the writer/director awkwardly tries to be hip and edgy by throwing in cultural commentary and open-minded racial banter. One scene literally reads as "the gay scene". The film as a whole is unbearably boring, despite the charisma of the two female leads. Lame.

Pretty Woman
Pretty Woman(1990)
½

I finally got around to seeing this as it had been buried in my Mormon, no R-rated movie past. It was about what I expected. Julia Roberts is lovely. I found the emphasis on money as a means to respect to be a tad shady. The clothes definitely do not make the woman when the woman is Julia Roberts. However, it was fun and utterly 90s.

Up
Up(2009)

Zany, touching, absurd and sometimes hysterical. A bit slow moving (I grew weary of watching them drag the house across the cliff) but like all Pixar films, it comes with a shocking amount of heart. Next to Finding Nemo, this may be the most sensitive one yet.

P.S.
P.S.(2004)
½

Rather thin, but intriguing story. I've been watching tons of older women/younger man movies lately. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I need mothering. Anyways, Laura Linney is always good and Topher Grace was flipping adorable.

Love! Valour! Compassion!

Great acting and lots of man-taint make this a definite must-see. Seriously, I haven't seen this much man-taint in a major motion picture since, well since ever. Even Jason Alexander spends most of the film naked. And can I just say that Justin Kirk is probably the sexiest person on the planet. Since Jesus.

Picnic
Picnic(1955)
½

I took off one star for William Holden's awful acting, one star for Kim Novak's mullet, one star for the underdevelopment of the 'other' man, and half a star because it's just boring and really has very little to hold my interest. A romance between bland stupid rural pretty people? Just not my thing.

The Notorious Bettie Page

If this movie were any thinner, it would blow away. It barely touches on any aspect of Page's life for more than a couple of minutes. One second she's going to church, the next she's getting gang-banged, then she's modeling, then she's doing kinky fetish porn, then she's going to church again. Roll credits. It wasn't bad by any means, but I probably won't even remember it by tomorrow.

Flightplan
Flightplan(2005)
½

I thought this was surprisingly fun and exciting. The dialogue was horrific (You're going to blow us up? No, Just you!") and the acting was pretty dang sketchy (with the exception of my love Goddess Jodie Foster). But the plot was engaging and the claustrophobic setup reminded me of Hitchcock.

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

A moderately entertaining thriller with absolutely nothing to empathize with. The only character with any kind of moral center is the father and we're not given enough opportunity to bond with him. Marisa Tomei seems to have been cast for her breasts and the opening shot of her being porked by beefy, pale, lecherous Philip Seymour Hoffman was unusually disgusting.

The Prince of Tides
½

There's nothing particularly flawed about this film, but there's nothing particularly engaging either. I never really cared for any of the characters nor did I feel terribly moved by Nick Nolte's plight.

The People Vs. Larry Flynt

A royal hoot to watch, not to mention its important message. Courtney Love steals the show playing herself.

Factory Girl
Factory Girl(2007)
½

Sienna Miller is the most nondescript actress alive. Sometimes she looks like Drew Barrymore, other times like Heidi Klum, sometimes she's just unrecognizable. I actually lost track of her at points in this movie. The narrative and style of this film was predictable and the emotion wasn't grounded in my caring. It was fun to see some of Andy Warhol's factory though.

3 Women
3 Women(1977)

Just because you smash a bunch of dreamy, incoherently symbolic images and ideas together does not mean you are inspired. Altman is a smart man and this is no haphazard study. It's calculated and intentionally murky. We've been doing surreal since the 1920s, that's nothing new. We've been making pretentious pieces of heady crap for much longer. So really, this is just an installment in a long tradition. I don't have to like it and I don't have to care. I do enjoy me some Shelley Duvall though. She is so goshdang weird and this is the best performance I've seen her in. She starts out her usual oblivious self and then develops into something much deeper.

Interview with the Vampire
½

This movie only has a couple things going for it. It is beautifully shot and produced, it's delightfully twisted (homoeroticism, pedophilia, and well, vampirism). It's also got Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise being sexy and undead. It just doesn't have a strong enough storyline. It wanders haphazardly from one scene to the next and rarely makes much sense in the way of character development. Kirsten Dunst was so great. No wonder I had a childhood crush on her.

The Triplets of Belleville
½

What a wonderfully wacky, grotesque charming movie. It completely surprised me. Not to mention it's probably the best example of pure visual narrative I've seen come along since 2001: A Space Odyssey. It was a little slow up until we meet the triplets, but it certainly takes off after that. I just loved the musical element.

Diabolique (Les Diaboliques)

Stylish and macabre, it is no surprise whatsoever that Hitchcock adored this film. Keeps you guessing right up until the last second. The only thing you have to overlook is the ridiculous premise. One would think there are easier ways to go about murder.

Persepolis
Persepolis(2007)

This movie won me over scene-by-scene. I wasn't really in the mood to watch an avant-garde political animated film, but it has a whole damn lot of heart. The characters are lovely and there are plenty of laugh-out-loud moments. Even the minimalist animation seems to flirt with the sublime. I don't know what I would change to make it better. Good stuff.

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
½

This is, of course, of little value to people who have never played the game. Its sole purpose (as stated in the prologue) is to reunite fans with their beloved characters. To anyone who has not played the 1997 masterpiece, I can imagine this would be the most confusing movie ever made. I loved the game and this was still amazingly confusing. But much like the muddy storyline in the game, the movie's weak narrative is trumped by the great characters. Also, this has got to have some of the most amazing action sequences I have EVER seen and some of the best CGI as well. There are some truly inspired moments and some pretty silly ones. The music is also a highlight, as is Cloud's sexy sweater-jacket.

Valley of the Dolls

Okay, I read the book first. And I HATED it. I thought it was plodding, self-important, and downright boring. The characters are flat as linoleum and there was no emotional heart. I only saw the movie because it is pretty iconic and I'm a sucker for that kind of thing. Sharon Tate was GORGEOUS. One of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, made even more so by her tragic true life (those damn Mansons). The final scene with Patty Duke in the ally has got to be one of the most enjoyably ridiculous moments in film. "GOD WHY! OH NELLY WHY! GOD! NELLY!! OH GOD!!" Regardless, the movie is just as crappy as the book. Thank heavens it's not 400 pages long.

Allegro Non Troppo

Critics who say this film even is comparable to Fantasia are deluded and psychotic. The animation, the scale, even the orchestration are incredibly inferior. It does, however, have some points in it's favor. It has some great social commentary, something Fantasia utterly lacked. The live-action sequences are actually quite funny and it's nice to know they don't take themselves quite as seriously as the curmudgeons in Fantasia. However, Fantasia is a work of art. It is inspired.

The Bridge on the River Kwai

I was skeptical because I don't usually like war movies. But this film was a masterpiece. The last 30 minutes rank among some of the most exciting moments I've ever seen in a film. It has all the emotion and thought of a Greek tragedy. Bravo.

Star Trek
Star Trek(2009)

A relatively unremarkable space movie. It seems to assume that the audience is obsessed with the original Star Trek. After 14 wink-and-nod moments (which I either didn't understand or care about) I had to settle for some good explosions.

Spirited Away
½

Stunning and ruthlessly creative. What it lacks in narrative and heart, it makes up for in sheer wackiness.

The Crying Game
½

As a thriller, this film fails completely. It is just simply not exciting. As a romance, this film is mediocre. Dil and Fergus don't have any chemistry and it is a bit unnerving watching him hop into bed with the man he just killed's girlfriend. We're not supposed to judge him for that? As a cultural statement this is definitely ahead of it's time. However, I can't tell if it's because I knew the twist or because I am attune to such things, but I saw it coming a mile away. How audiences couldn't tell is beyond me.

Do the Right Thing

Most of the characters were appealing and the direction was visually engaging, but the racism was just a tad too overt for my tastes. And by that I mean it wasn't subtle at all, Spike Lee's answer to Crash. But indeed I must say I got a kick out of all the neon spandex.

Laura
Laura(1944)

The acting, writing and direction are top notch. Gene Tierney is resoundingly beautiful. Lots of great plot twists, not as good as some suspense-mysteries, but better than most.

Bullets Over Broadway

Dianne Wiest and Jennifer Tilly were just about as funny as is humanly possible. I wanted to watch an entire film devoted to them. Truly brilliant performances. I thought this got a little dry in parts, but then one of those lovely ladies would pop into the scene and make me howl with laughter. This is one of the best Allen movies I've seen. It's got some freaking hysterical moments.

Sunshine Cleaning

I have no idea why people are dogging on this movie. It was excellent. Verging on masterpiece. And Amy Adams is giving all of us jack-Mormons a really good name. She is my new favorite person.

You Are Alone

Unbearable. The script, the pacing, the camerawork, the acting, all terrible. It was a really good premise (for the most part, the ending was beyond stupid) but it was completely wasted. Thank God the girl was easy on the eyes.

Irma La Douce
½

This is was far too long and had an eerie amount of parallel plot points to Some Like it Hot. It was an awkward combination of raunchy and sweet. I'm not the biggest Jack Lemmon fan. I adore Shirley MacLaine, but she has been better. They were tremendous in The Apartment, a brilliant movie by comparison, in comparison to most movies actually. This just doesn't have the heart that movie had. It's Some Like It Hot in color with more sex. I don't like Some Like It Hot either. Billy Wilder often achieves greatness, but he's not as dependable as say, Hitchcock, Kubrick and Woody Allen.

Kiss of the Spider Woman

This film had a lot going for it. Unique plot, characters, setting, themes, multiple stories, unlimited complexity. The problem I had with it is that it was trying too hard. Rather than letting the beauty of the situation unfold naturally, it ended up feeling like a rushed stage play. Also I can honestly say I hate William Hurt. He's convincing as the homosexual, but whether or not he can act (he can) I still find him repugnant. He is tragically bland, even when he is being flamboyant. Furthermore, I could not forgive his character for being a child molester, an attribute that deserved a little more attention. When he's cleaning Raul's shit, it is obviously just a way to see the other's penis. As a homosexual, I know this to be a fact. I would have done the same thing.

Dances With Wolves

Alright, my hatred of this movie may be somewhat skewed as I unknowingly watched the extended version which clocks in at a lovely 3 hrs. 50 min. That being said, it was like torture. There were three things that happened: One scene of tribal warfare, one buffalo stampede, and one abduction by white-men. The other, hmmm, 3 hours were filled by idiotic Kevin Costner commenting on Native American culture. And shots of grass. And more dumbass Kevin Costner. Gah. This has got to rank right up there with Out of Africa as one of the most overrated winners of Best Picture ever.

The Accidental Tourist

I'm sorry, but William Hurt has got to be the least interesting actor of our times. Every time he's on screen (which is the entire movie) I'm put to sleep. This is not to say he is not a talented actor. He certainly knows about the secret of subtlety. But there is something seriously wrong when I don't care about a man who has lost his young son, broken his leg, and whose wife leaves him for no good reason. Not to mention, I found Geena Davis' Oscar winning performance to be downright obnoxious. Not funny, not kooky, just bland and uninspired.

Shadows and Fog
½

Woody Allen must think he's really something to give himself way more screen time than the likes of Jodie Foster, Lily Tomlin, John Cusak, John Malkovich and Kathy Bates. Even Madonna's acting talents were wasted. Which is saying something serious. Woody Allen running around like a chicken with his head cut off in black and white. It's not existential, it's crap.

Jacob's Ladder

Pretty much a pile of well-made schlop. It's kind of like The Ring only it begs to be taken seriously. It even claims to be based on a true story, which is pretty damn ridiculous (even if you do believe in the conspiracy). It's really just an excuse to subject the viewer to freakyass crap for two hours. Though, I must admit, a lot of it is really, really freaky. I saw the scene at the party on TV and thought it looked like my kind of Hell. But I like my Hell with a plot, thanka.

You Can't Take It With You
½

Blah, it was like It's A Wonderful Life, only not as good. It even had a very similar cast. It was weird to see George Bailey and Mr. Potter interacting in a lighthearted goofy way though, worth the trip. But I didn't think very much of it was funny. All of the characters were one-dimensional gimmicks. Furthermore, it was SO sappy. A little bit of subtlety goes a long way. It's A Wonderful Life seems like Waiting for Godot in comparison. Jimmy Stewart however will forever be my homedog.

Glory
Glory(1989)

I generally hate war movies because they don't have enough women in them. This one, however, was pretty damn good. It was poured on a bit thick at times, but overall it was moving and well-acted. Denzel Washington shedding a single tear will live in my memory forever. And boy God do I miss the days when Cary Elwes was gorgeous.

Interiors
Interiors(1978)

A beautiful, restrained drama. The acting and the silent desperation are top notch throughout.

Mars Attacks!
½

Ya know, this movie was really stupid and thoroughly enjoyable. Of all the movies Sarah Jessica Parker has been in, this is definitely the best one in which her head is attached to a dog.

She-Devil
She-Devil(1989)

If you're a man, I would imagine this movie would be hard to watch. Fortunately, I am not a man. I have a vagina.

The Misfits
The Misfits(1961)

Rather scattered and abstract. It felt like Arthur Miller was trying too hard to capture some kind of profundity. Any profundity the movie actually possesses is because Gable, Monroe, and Clift were all dead within a year. But since the filmmakers, barring any horrific conspiracy, could not have known this, the movie must be judged on it's literal content, not it's historical subtext.

The scene with the horses is the only effective moment in the film.

Junebug
Junebug(2005)
½

Amy Adams is like the edible pop tart I always wanted a child when my mother handed me one of those cardboardy crappy kellogs versions.

Lifeboat
Lifeboat(1944)
½

I love the premise, it's got sex, tragedy, adventure and Nazis. However, the ending felt like a bizarre moral statement and lacked any real resolution. Was the film actually trying to say that all Germans are hateful inhuman killers? Regardless, it loses steam about 2/3 through. Tallulah Bankhead commands every scene that she's in. Which is all of them.

JFK
JFK(1991)
½

This movie is dense like a fruit cake and filled with enough conspiracy to keep anyone happy. I haven't done all my fact-checking, but I'm pretty sure that we couldn't possibly know all of the facts Costner bandies about. Regardless, it was quite remarkable how one moment in history could carry an entire three-hour movie. The film never loses speed and the assassination is played out multiple times without losing its suspense.

Watchmen
Watchmen(2009)

It's brilliant philosophy grew wearisome stretched over it's 3 hour length. Not only could it have used some serious editing, it also could have benefited from some star power. Malin Akerman is like Natalie Portman light (an actress I don't even really care for in her condensed form). I give it huge points for not being overtly sexist or homophobic (something the 300/Sin City guys are notorious for, at least in my book). I also give it points for having a lot of blue penis. But in the end, it's just not that moving or exciting. It's weird to say, but this is a superhero movie that is in actuality just a cold, talky essay.

Kung Fu Panda
½

I was surprised by how visually stunning this film was. It wasn't as funny as other similar films (Shrek, Emperor's New Groove) but it had some kickass fight scenes.

Sophie's Choice

At turns charming and wildly tragic, this is a masterwork that approaches the trauma of the Holocaust without getting entrenched in sentimentality. And Meryl Streep speaks flawless Polish and German while wrenching at our hearts and souls. The woman is an alien.

The Natural
The Natural(1984)
½

This film is beautiful and has a great cast. However, there is very little engaging conflict. Robert Redford's character is mysterious, but not in an interesting way. It was pretty cool everytime Redford's swing shattered something to smitherings.

M*A*S*H
M*A*S*H(1970)
½

There are some legitimately funny bits, most of them involving Hot Lips. By the time the football game rolled around, however, I had checked out. I hate football.

Cinema Paradiso (Nuovo Cinema Paradiso)

A straight-up masterpiece. It gets a little slow in certain points, but who the hell cares when you're dealing with such a beautiful story. The kid is probably the cutest kid on the planet, the teenager is the most beautiful adolescent, and the old man is...well he's old. But that's the point isn't it? Human beauty fades but the cinema is forever. Epic, stunning, hilarious, sexy, Bravo, Bravo, Bravissimo.

Dracula
Dracula(1931)
½

Time has not been particularly kind to this film. A movie about vampires can hardly be scary if you are not allowed to show biting or blood. Even so, most of the film is spent discussing the characteristics of a vampire (mirrors, coffins, wolfsbane) that modern audiences already know. The sets, however, are magnificent, even if they are filled with giant rubber bats.

Mommie Dearest

This movie is wacked. Was Faye Dunaway serious? I mean, she's a hell of a fun time to watch, but I couldn't tell if she thought she was being serious or if she was just going wild. That scene with the face mask is bonkers. Most of the movie felt like a Lifetime Original and I couldn't stand the actress who played the daughter.

Coraline
Coraline(2009)
½

I was drunk when I saw this and missed the first ten minutes. It was a visually stunning film, but the voice talent and the plot were awfully feeble.

Out of Africa
½

Insanely slow. Listening to Meryl Streep's plodding Danish accent nearly put me to sleep. The love story is actually secondary to the endless sweeping shots of the African countryside. The whole things just feels like a translucent attempt to grab Oscars.

Gosford Park
Gosford Park(2001)

A total snooze. The murder story is bland and a subplot at best. The only intrigue comes from the interesting relationships of servants to their lordly superiors. The first hour literally holds nothing of interest and a whole lot of talent is lost in Altman's typically enormous cast.

Wall Street
Wall Street(1987)

Entirely predictable morality tale from Mr. Stone. Major points for Douglas' reprehensible performance. May Gordon Gekko live on in infamy.

The Spiral Staircase

Mind-numbingly stupid. I refuse to justify this film with a review. Comparisons to Alfred Hitchcock are ludicrous.

Rain Man
Rain Man(1988)
½

Pretty darn moving and poignant. I loved the scene with the girlfriend in the elevator. The acting is great and I adore the haunting 80s score.

Midnight Cowboy
½

A bizarre premise with trippy narration tells the story of the most destitute guys on the block. I enjoyed this film, even if it did seem to take itself too seriously. The flashbacks were definitely superfluous.

Dancer in the Dark

I dig Bjorks visual aesthetic but I cannot appreciate her voice or her music. I have given it repeated attempts and I can honestly say that listening to this woman sing puts me on some serious edge. Beyond the unbearable musical numbers, this movie was too long, depressing on the verge of absurd, and I believe it was shot on video. And being the production whore that I am, the desaturated color pissed me off. You may say I just didn't get it, and I'm okay with that.

La Vie en Rose (La Mome)

I normally hate biopics. But this one is so engaging, so inventive, so moving and so brilliantly acted, I just gave up trying to hate it. Marion Cotrillard is as good as it gets. But more importantly, for me, was the wonderful way in which the director played with chronology as a means to create montage.

Jules and Jim
½

I can appreciate the groundbreaking and innovative filmmaking, the realistic acting, the moral ambiguity. But after awhile the plot grew tiresome and the characters were thoroughly disagreeable. As with Citizen Kane, I'm gonna have to disagree with the critics and say (in my immodest opinion) that this film is not one of the greatest of all time.

The Man Who Fell to Earth

Delightfully odd and mostly incomprehensible. The performances are delicious and the pacing is subtly suspenseful. The highlight, however, is my love God David Bowie's breathtaking hollow beauty. His pale skin, his orange hair, his emaciated frame, his damaged eyes, his crooked teeth, his impossibly high cheekbones: he's like the alien version of a runway model. I promised myself that the day I got to see David Bowie's penis would be the day I retire from life. And lo and behold, as of this writing, I am dead.

My Life in Pink (Ma Vie en Rose)

A 100% wonderful movie. Magical, heart-wrenching, lovely.

Repo! The Genetic Opera

So I know that this movie is supposed to be bad. It's a fuck-you goth opera with unashamed gore and a ridiculous premise. But even so, I could barely get through its 97 minutes. The lyrics and music are absolutely atrocious. I've never written a single song but I can guarantee I could write a better score. No melodies, bad orchestration, dumb phrasing with no rhymes. Alexa Vega is a horrible actor (I don't care if she can produce tears, she can't speak like a normal person). I gave it one star because the visuals are stunning. This is actually a gorgeous and innovative film. It just freaking sucks. You know you have a problem when Paris Hilton delivers a standout performance. Sarah Brightman is darkly ethereal, as usual, but her massive talents are sadly and unforgivably wasted. On a lighter note, my mom walked in on the part where Mr. Repo is pulling out some random dudes small intestine. That was pretty damn awkward.

Rabbit-Proof Fence
½

An engaging if somewhat predictable story about the power of childhood hope.

The Wrestler
The Wrestler(2008)
½

Aronofsky finds subtle beauty in the most unlikely of places: Professional Wrestling. If someone had told me I would sympathize with a big, greasy burly Mickey Rourke, I would have laughed. But this film manages to do just that. Hurrah.

The Reader
The Reader(2008)

I guess I've just about had it with films about the Holocaust. I know it is a subject ripe with human drama, but we really have covered it from about as many angles as I care to see. There was one moment where I thought this film would redeem itself (a very touching and powerful moment near the end) but the finale all but washed it away in cliche muck.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall
½

This movie came as a wonderful surprise. I find the Judd Apatow films to be fairly hit or miss (Knocked Up was good, Superbad was vile). They really struck the perfect balance of sweetness and vulgarity with this one. The film never resorts to unbearable grossness, nor does it become unforgivable sappy. Watch it if only for the Dracula inspired rock opera.

Shadow of the Vampire
½

What could have been a terrifying and ominous film turns out to be rather gimmicky and inconsequential. There is no character development, nor is there any build up of suspense. We are let in on the secret within the film's first third and the rest is reduced to watching Willem Dafoe getting a kick out of his long fingernails. I really believe this movie was a waste of vast potential.

Eastern Promises

I didn't really get the point of this movie. I believe I was supposed to care about Viggo Mortenson's complexities, but I did not. Nor did I really care about the baby. Maybe that's my own problem. But I prefer to blame the movie.

The Pillow Book
½

A truly bizarre and innovative movie. While the direction and editing are quite unique, it is is Ewan McGregor's penis that steals the show.

Desperately Seeking Susan
½

This movie was poorly-paced nonsense. Rosanna Arquette got on my freaking nerves and Madonna was wooden as always. The only redeeming factor was Aidan Quinn's baby blues.

Milk
Milk(2008)

A fairly typical biopic carried by the 100% brilliant performance of Sean Penn. Sadly, the people who actually need to see this film probably won't.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

A gorgeous masterpiece. By inverting mortality, this film makes us appreciate growing old, love, and each other. I loved this movie.

Death at a Funeral
½

This was so funny I started screaming like a little girl. I recommend it to everyone but your mother.

Serial Mom
Serial Mom(1994)
½

The success of this film is entirely dependent on Kathleen Turner. She plays her sweetly deluded suburban maniac with zest and love. John Waters films generally feel cheap and tacky, but the lame gags are kept to a minimum here.

The Unborn
The Unborn(2009)

The fact that I paid money to see this worthless shit offends me. Do not see this movie. It is unbearable. Boring, incomprehensible, poorly acted, horrendously paced...And it's worst offense of all? Not scary. At all.

The Fugitive
The Fugitive(1993)

Hitchcock would be proud.

Slumdog Millionaire

I was unsure of this film for most of its duration. I couldn't get into the characters or the narrative structure. However, by the end, I was totally won over. The end credits had me dancing in my seat. I love a good homage to destiny.

The Man Who Would Be King
½

I might be overly harsh in giving this film a low rating. I watched it because my new favorite person recommended it to me. It just wasn't dynamic enough. Too much dust, too much racism, too much scenery. Not enough time was spent developing Connery's delusions of grandeur. But hey, I got to see his butt and I guess that's better than nothing.

Revolutionary Road

The first 110 minutes were a near masterpiece. The acting was superb. It confronted a dilemma (hopeless desperation) that I can really empathize with. Seriously, I have felt exactly like Kate Winslet, like I just need to flee my life. The ending, however, was uninspired and predictable. It's tough for me to like a film if the ending sucks. Leo and Kate forever. Can't wait for their next film. They're gonna be like the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton of our times.

10,000 B.C.
10,000 B.C.(2008)
½

Twas horrendously dumb. I thought it might have some potential, but it just continued to unravel until its ridonkulous finale.

The Witches
The Witches(1990)
½

Nowhere near as good as the book. The editing and direction were nauseating. The special-effects were fun in a campy sort of way. The acting wasn't all that impressive either. But the head witch was about as terrifying an image as I've ever seen in a children's film.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
½

The acting and direction are top notch. As far as Tennessee William;s adaptations go, however, I think Streetcar was pulled off with more gusto. I was still rather impressed with how adult the content was in this film.

Stephen King's It

The children in this cheap horror flick are far better actors than the adults. The book has a profound layer that the film doesn't even come close to. Whereas the novel tackled the universality of good and evil, the film was just an excuse to kill an asthmatic with a giant, fake spider.

There's Something About Mary
½

I saw this film primarily because it has been imbedded so deeply into our popular conscious. It was, dare I be appropriately politically incorrect, retarded. Just a string of gross-out gags, none of them really all that gross. Find me a woman who would use hair gel hanging from someone's ear and I will find you an idiot.

Beloved
Beloved(1998)
½

The novel was not meant to be a film. It is so internalized and actionless that it would seem a 3-hour film would be impossible. But here Jonathan Demme proved me wrong. The style and pace of this movie was absolutely gorgeous. It was like falling into something haunting, something liquid and beautiful. Way to go Oprah.

Doubt
Doubt(2008)

I am generally rather patient when it comes to films, but this one bored the crap out of me. The cast did their best with what they were given, but in the end there was almost no substance to be found. The film slogged along as if treading through a swamp. A swamp filled with molested altar boys.

Eraserhead
Eraserhead(1977)

Absolutely surreal. This film is nightmarish. Even though it has no comprehensible plot, it still managed to creep the hell out of me. It's a good thing I don't plan on giving birth anytime soon.

Natural Born Killers

Conflating lust and violence, assaulting the senses, laughing at carnage, exploiting the exploitative media, Oliver Stone manages to turn a sickening premise into an effective, multi-faceted cultural statement.

Sleeper
Sleeper(1973)

I wasn't expecting this movie. It was sloppily made from a filmmaker's standpoint. The editing was choppy, the sets were cheap, the narrative was nonexistent. There was a lot to love but it was smothered by the low-quality. Also, the politics and sexual humor is pretty dated.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End

This film is absolutely awful. It is unfathomably long-winded and stagnant. There are only two major action sequences, one at the start and one (quite impressive) one at the end. The space between was filled with the largest pile of shit I may have ever seen. The characters talk, they argue, they walk around, they switch alliances, they switch ships, they stand, they talk, they argue. I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw something. The storylines are about as muddy as a pig on holiday. Johnny Depp and Keira Knightly become parodies of themselves. Seeing as I hated the 2nd one, God knows why I watched it. But it made me want to throw up in my shoes.

The Last Picture Show
½

Even though it is about as entertaining as eating a brick, this film is brilliant in it's insight. The ending is masterful in it's dealings with the pain of adolescent loss. Cloris Leachman and Ellen Burstyn give rockin' performances. It is, however, ultimately as boring as pancakes.

20 Centimeters (20 Centimetres) (20 centÝmetros)

This movie is wonderful fun. It manages to be campy and extravagant while still being emotionally touching. Can I get a hurrah for the main actress. She is without a doubt (no offense) the ugliest film protagonist I have ever seen (more so than Phillip Seymour Hoffman) and she manages to be abundantly empathetic, joyful, and yes, sexy. Brilliant.

Gone Baby Gone
½

The best thing Ben Affleck has ever done. Morally challenging and dang thrilling to boot. The only fault I could find was that it resorted to some cliche narrative devices, but hey it was good.

Pollock
Pollock(2000)
½

A great movie with epic performances. Marcia Gay Harden should have trumped Julia Roberts' ass for best actress but I guess supporting actress is fine. Ed Harris got robbed for best actor. Russell Crowe can suck my sausage. A wonderful film about a troubled genius.

Running With Scissors
½

I liked this movie quite a bit. It tried to be sentimental and failed. But there was enough insanity to capture anyone's attention for a couple of hours.

Deliverance
Deliverance(1972)
½

For a movie that has been reduced to gay-pig sex, this was actually very well-done. I couldn't believe some of the stunts the actors (or stunt-doubles) performed. Merely from a filmmakers standpoint, this movie had me on the edge of my seat. It drags a bit at the end. I wanted a toothless cracker to pop out of the water, ala Friday the 13th.

Aliens
Aliens(1986)

More exciting than the first installment but still overly long.

To Die For
To Die For(1995)
½

This movie made me feel empty and dirty. Like I really needed a shower.

Alien
Alien(1979)
½

A dark, stylish space horror flick. A little heavy on the jargon.

The Band Wagon

The amazing musical numbers do not make up for the utter lack of plot.

Reno 911!: Miami
½

Funny moments abound, but not enough to make a feature length movie from. The show, by the way, is hilarious and more aptly scaled.

Cimarron
Cimarron(1931)
½

A 4-hour epic shoved into 2 hours, with a touch of insane racism thrown in. I mean, they literally point out a wagon of watermelons to the black character and he guffaws like a donkey. I'm glad to see we are actually making progress, albeit slowly.

Four Christmases
½

The first two-thirds of this movie was hysterically funny. Manic funny, really quite wonderful. The last third, like all comic or holiday movies, became unbearably sentimental.

Bull Durham
Bull Durham(1988)

I dunno. This wasn't that funny. Susan Sarandon was sexy (can anyone deny the power of her breasts?) but she had scarce chemistry with Kevin Costner. And baseball is hardly an inspiring subject for me.

Far and Away
Far and Away(1992)

The plot was pretty ridiculous and the ending was funny in it's goof, but the protagonists are just so damn pretty.

The Savages
The Savages(2007)
½

Hahaha, my library had this shelved in the comedy section. It is not a comedy. It is really really sad. And not in a funny way. In a sad way. In an old people peeing themselves and dying way.

Nashville
Nashville(1975)
½

Things I hate: Country music, politics, plotless movies. Things in this movie: Country music, politics, no plot. Things I remarkably don't hate: This movie.

New York, New York
½

Liza Minelli's answer to her mother's "A Star is Born". Great performances, Scorcese with a plot, fabtastulistic musical numbers. Robert De Niro is perfect, the ending was wonderful. A hidden gem, I don't get why people dog on it. Way better than Raging Bull, The Aviator and Goodfellas put together motherfuckers.

Night of the Living Dead

Why this B-Movie is supposedly more deserving than the rest I'll never know.

Australia
Australia(2008)

I love Baz's style and I love both Kidman and Jackman. But after 90 minutes, I was ready for this one to end. Mostly because I hate war movies. And that's what happened half way through. It turned into a boringass war movie.

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore

The acting was all top-notch and the script was clever and insightful. But the characters were obnoxious, flat, and uninteresting. Watching this movie felt like a chore.

Margot at the Wedding

Noah Baumbach is a genius, a magician whose tricks revolve around understanding the human mind.

The Stepford Wives
½

I only saw it because of my Nicole Kidman obsession. It was about as stupid as I had thought it would be.

Vanilla Sky
Vanilla Sky(2001)
½

I pretty much started writing this movie. Then I saw it and bemoaned my lack of originality.

Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus
½

Twisting elements of Cocteau's Beauty and the Beast into a bizarre biographical fantasy, this movie is weird, tender, and oddly hollow.

Freaks
Freaks(1932)

The whole appeal of this movie is that they used actual sideshow attractions as the protagonists. If they had not, the movie would feel even more exploitative than it already is. True, the morality sides with the 'freaks', but in the end, this film is just an excuse for upstanding people to gawk at people with missing limbs.

Saw V
Saw V(2008)
½

Having never seen Saw I-IV, I must admit a certain amount of ignorance. However, I still feel that if forced to fill a beaker with my own body fluids, I would first use urine as opposed to blood. Just sayin.

A Night at the Opera

Sorry. Some movies don't live up to the hype. This is one of them. It suffers from "I Love Lucy" syndrome. Just as the comedy is picking up speed///BREAK for a subpar musical number. Duck Soup is superior.

Silkwood
Silkwood(1983)
½

A bit of a bore narratively, but the performances are empathetic enough to pull it through. Love Meryl Streep, Cher is a talented actress, though it is bizarre that she freaked out when her daughter was a lesbian after taking this role. You'd think she's be a bit more open.

The Heiress
The Heiress(1950)

A great movie that had me up on my feet cheering for the heroine. The performances are wonderful and the ending is one of the most memorable I've yet to see.

Affliction
Affliction(1997)

An interesting movie that attempts to justify men's abusive behavior and does so reasonably.

Chinatown
Chinatown(1974)
½

Well, this is one of the last major classics I got around to watching and I was pretty disapointed. The water company plot was rather dry, pun intended. There were too many dangling storylines for the mystery aspect to be compelling. The plot twist was surprising, but seemed like something out of Nip/Tuck rather than a well-respected noir film. I say blah blah to this.

Doctor Zhivago

Well done in most respects. It is, however, terribly tragically long. Whereas Gone With the Wind earned much of its length by its soap-opera nature, this film is long because it is ponderous. It is filled with zillions of laborious establishing shots of the Russian countryside. The story itself is epic, but it is not expansive enough to justify 3 hours and 20 minutes. In less technical terms, Iz got bored.

A Patch of Blue
½

This would have been a powerful movie in my estimation if Elizabeth Hartman hadn't played the world's most idiotic blind girl throughout. She was supposed to be 18, but instead she came off as about 6. I know she is supposed to have been stunted in her development by abuse and lack of education, but I still found her hard to believe, let alone empathize with. Everything was 'gee golly Mr.' rainbows and gumdrops. This didn't help dampen the enormity of her situation (rape, verbal and physical abuse, blindness, neglect). Instead it made it feel sadly melodramatic.

Bicycle Thieves (Ladri di biciclette)

Absolutely brilliant. This movie...AHHHH, brilliant.

Spartacus
Spartacus(1960)

My new favorite movie quote. "I eat both snails and oysters." The rest of the film veered between boring mediocrity and passionate brilliance. The romantic relationship was especially convincing.

Transamerica
Transamerica(2006)

Felicity Huffman pulled this off remarkably well. I just wish her son wasn't so hot. It was rather distracting.

Shampoo
Shampoo(1975)

Not funny, but I didn't view it as a comedy. It was a romp of a drama with a despicable protagonist. I was certain that I was going to hate it, but the wildly unconventional ending redeemed it for me. A film that finally proves that being a manwhore doesn't always pay.

Blood Diamond
½

Fantastic film. The acting is top notch. Leo is my homedawg forevah. It's one of the few politically-charged films I've seen that doesn't come off heavy-handed. The story goes to several unexpected and thrilling places.

Raising Arizona
½

Mildly entertaining. The beginning and end are absurd and enjoyable, but the film drags in the middle where the 'family' is just sitting around in the house.

The Ice Storm
½

Visually and thematically this is a gorgeous film. The young actors (Tobey Maguire, Katie Holmes, Christina Ricci, Elijah Wood) outshine the respectable adult cast. As a story, however, and as a drama this movie didn't come together for me. There are scenes that appear to have been thrown in without regard to coherence.

Born Yesterday

Holliday's performance carries this film. The men are mere set-pieces and when she is not present, the film loses steam. She is gorgeous, hysterical and moving. She shifts between broad comedy and gut-wrenching drama with fluid grace.

For Your Consideration

Meh, it wasn't funny. Insightful perhaps, clever, but not funny. I've never really gotten into the Christopher Guest stuff. Too dry for me.

Batman
Batman(1989)

I thought this was a little slow paced and the plot was rather generic. But I was pleasantly surprised by Jack Nicholson's performance. But I must say, I hated Kim Basinger. Everything about her I found detestable.

Marathon Man
Marathon Man(1976)

The plot is so bland, so uninspired, and so haphhazard that by the end I just didn't care. A Nazi-Dentist wanting some diamonds was all I mangaged to gather, but the filmmakers seemed to think there was more to say. Something about government? Tyranny? Swiss bitches?

My Left Foot
My Left Foot(1989)

Daniel Day-Lewis has obviously sold his soul to the devil.

Thelma & Louise
½

Okay, I took off 1/2 a star for the horrendous 90s musical score and the occasional slow-motion shot. Temporal oddities aside, this film rocks. It's exciting, irreverent, and ultra-feminist. I am always in favor of women who shoot their rapists. Oh, and two more words: Brad Fucking Pitt.

Julia
Julia(1977)
½

This is a rivoting espionage thriller wrapped in a Lifetime Television special. The flashbacks, the voiceovers, and the weird editing are all ridiculous. But the acting is superb and the friendship/cause at the film's core is worth rooting for.

Paris Je T'aime
½

Seeing as this was really a collection of short films from different directors, it's hard to judge. Some of them were brilliant and beautiful, others were shipoopy. But overall, it was a magical concept with an amazing cast.

The Music Man
½

A great musical with hysterical characters and wonderful music. I especially enjoy the scene in the library.

Hello, Dolly!
½

Hurrah! Barbra Streisand said she hates this movie. I don't care, I think it's wonderful. More sequins, more beets, one more time.

The Night of the Hunter
½

Lord I hated this movie. It was so expressionistic in its style that it lost any power it could have had. The premise was terrifying, the delivery was ridiculous.

Giant
Giant(1956)

This movie rocks. It's epic, all-american, country, and filled with hot people covered in oil.

Teeth
Teeth(2007)

Haha, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. I recommend this movie to everyone, but mostly to straight men who want to imagine their penises getting bitten off by vaginal fangs.

The Diary of Anne Frank

I saw this once in 7th Grade. All I remember is that I thought Anne Frank was cute.

East of Eden
East of Eden(1955)

James Dean's least entertaining movie. But he's still hot as an egg on Venus. With some great dramatic moments.

Martian Child

Ack, this movie should have been made for television. Wherever they got that little kid though, brilliant. I truly believe he's from Mars.

High Noon
High Noon(1952)
½

Filmed in real time, this film never loses it's momentum. It builds and builds until Grace Kelly's head pops off.

What the Bleep Do We Know!?
½

This is the movie that tries to convince you that, scientifically, if you think you are happy, you will be. Well it can't hurt. There's also some dancing jelly-beings if I recall correctly.

Hair
Hair(1979)
½

A sloppy mess. I did enjoy the moment when pregnant Beverly D'Angelo flies through the air. Some of the music was fun, but overall it was boring slop. And they cut out the original naked scene. It could have used more penis, fo sho.

Around the World in 80 Days

All I can remember about this film is how static and long it was. Since most of the zillion celebrity cameos have lost their luster, most of the point is lost.

Xanadu
Xanadu(1980)

HAH! This film. I got a kick out of this film. It was so overwhelmingly tacky, non-sequiter, and neon that I couldn't help but love it. Randomass animation and a finale that has to be seen to be believed... Ah good times.

Colma: The Musical
½

I watched this film only because I worked in Colma for three weeks. It was pretty much a standard angsty film school piece dealing with the struggles of burgeoning adulthood (one of my faves, but still, mlech). The music was fun and I was impressed that the young cast and crew could pull it all together.

Manhattan
Manhattan(1979)
½

It's a good thing that Woody Allen always surrounds himself with talented actresses. Because as a leading man he is about as relatable as a pound of mustard. When he is spouting one-liners, Allen is funny. When he is trying to make me cry, he is just a self-obsessed scrawny Jewish guy. How the hell he thinks I'm supposed to believe that he could date Diane Keaton, Mariel Hemmingway, and Meryl Streep in the course of 90 minutes is beyond me. This movie's complaints that we are becoming too cerebral are hypocritical projection. Granted, it's well-made. But that little 17-year-old needs to run as fast as she can from Woody's horrendous combover.

All Quiet on the Western Front

I was amazed by how well this 80-year-old film has stood up. It was moving, exciting, and devastating. I was so pleased to see that my favorite war-novel was given it's proper due.

Blazing Saddles

I apologize to Mel Brooks' fanatics everywhere, but I don't think he makes good movies. This is the most entertaining one I've seen yet (much better than Young Frankenstein and worlds apart from Spaceballs and High Anxiety) but what it boils down to is a bunch of mildly entertaining gags strewn together. I can get the same thing in far less time from Family Guy thank you. I was also appalled that the extreme talents of Gene Wilder and Madeleine Kahn were basically squandered. Wilder is relegated to the sidekick straight-man role and Kahn only gets one (albeit hysterical) musical number. Blah. Blah blah. Mel Brooks can suck it.

Everyone Says I Love You

Despite the fact that Woody Allen (yet again) thinks he can convince me that someone like Julia Roberts would ever find him sexy, this is a great movie. The scene along the Seine in which Goldie Hawn and Woody fly through the air is near perfection. Drew Barrymore is hysterical (and hot). It would have been nice if Allen had directed the numbers with more creativity than the basic static shot typical of classic musicals, but perhaps it was all meant as homage. Anyways, fun movie.

Basic Instinct

Breasts, buttocks, labia oh my!!

Monty Python's And Now for Something Completely Different
½

Funny stuff. Pure nonsense, just as it should be. No use dwelling any longer on the matter.

The Last Emperor
½

The director's cut is almost 4 hours long and should have been cut down to under two hours. Most of the length comprised of sweeping, slow pans. There was also a ton of extraneous plot lines. But the costumes were gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.

The Adventures of Robin Hood

Campy good fun. Beautiful color and Errol Flynn is way too hot for his own good. Brings the cocky back into cock if you know what I mean.

Syriana
Syriana(2005)

The first half was about as entertaining as a live reading of the Wall Street Journal. Fortunately, it picked up by the end and I actually began to understand what the hell was going on. Still no idea who Christopher Plummer was supposed to be though.

Elizabeth
Elizabeth(1998)
½

Engaging enough. I like a good intrigue as much as the next history-starved slop. I realized Joseph Fiennes has extremely close-set eyes while watching this. But I still think he is one fine slice.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
½

Add points for being bravely raunchy, pretty funny and refreshingly homophilic. Subtract points for giving into sentimentality and a couple revolting moments.

Being There
Being There(1979)

One of the most graceful, poignant, profound and understated comedies I've ever seen. Worth watching for one of the most bizarre, awkward and hysterical masturbation scenes ever filmed. Major props to Shirley Maclaine.

Fargo
Fargo(1996)

Charming, quirky and sick. Frances McDormand is cute beyond words.

The Deer Hunter
½

A moving anti-war film with a blessedly small amount of actual war scenes. The entire film hinges on around 30 minutes of violence in the middle. The scenes in America are really the heart of the picture. Even so, things get a little bloated after 3 hours. The acting is absolute top-notch.

Hard Candy
Hard Candy(2006)

Twisted, warped vigilante horror film about a little girl cutting off a man's testicles. Throw in two awkward minutes of Sandra Oh and you get a really fun movie.

The Manchurian Candidate

This movie was filled to the brim with unnecessary and absurd tangents. The romantic storylines were as flat and irrelevant as pancakes and the scene in which Frank Sinatra beats up a Korean valet made me laugh. But the premise was intriguing and Angela Lansbury is a total badass bitch.

The Squid and the Whale
½

This film kicks ass. Two of the lead characters are so despicably unlikeable that it was difficult for me to initially get involved. But by the end, I was blown away with the message about childhood vs. adulthood. The youngest son was adorable as puke on a stick, which is pretty darn cute.

All the President's Men

It's understated and intelligent. It's also rather dry and worthless. For a 2 hours+ film, the characters are about as underdeveloped as goat curd.

Children of Men
½

This movie blows away expectations. I wouldn't call it enjoyable, but is crafted like a fine wine. The Julianne Moore twist, didn't see that coming at all. I like distopic narratives pretty much across the board, but this one was far darker than most.

The Machinist

Christian Bale's body is more frightening than the plot. Every scene in which he is shirtless is memorable. Mostly because you can see the back of his ribcage. Still, it's an engaging film even if it is rather gimmiky.

Dog Day Afternoon

A really great movie. Surprisingly compassionate for its time. It's fascinating to watch things unravel while at the same time discovering the depth of Al Pacino's character.

Saturday Night Fever

I was expecting monumental cheese and was incredibly surprised. It's actually a poignant, well-acted provacative coming of age movie. With some fun dancing.

W.
W.(2008)

Bland, boring, predictable and without the advantage of temporal perspective.

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer

Perfection. Stunning rapturous and miraculous. Makes you reconsider how you smell, from wet socks to dripping fruits of paradise. Romantic, warped, sensational, terrifying, graphic, inspired, haunting, lyrical and invigorating. I don't know why everyone has not seen this movie. It's 147 minutes and worth every second. Dustin Hoffman, Ben Whishaw, and Alan Rickman are superb. The music is beautiful. Cinematography is legendary. See this. See it now.

I'm Not There
½

Trippy and plotless, but there are some pretty beautiful moments. Cate Blanchett is inarguably the highlight. The most dynamic and convincing Bob Dylan in the bunch.

Atonement
Atonement(2007)
½

A gorgeous movie. Some of the most impressive camera work I've ever seen. The narrative loses it's drive once the war starts though.

Gandhi
Gandhi(1982)

A standardized biopic with few surprises. It is overly long, but the brilliance of Gandhi's life makes up for it.

Saboteur
Saboteur(1942)
½

The last major(ish) Hitchcock film I got around to watching. I was pleasantly surprised. It is actually quite exciting. Pretty much the same exact plot as North by Northwest but with inferior star power.

I Confess
I Confess(1952)

Definitely minor Hitchcock. It is filled with several intriguing moments but it is nothing to pursue.

Birth
Birth(2004)

I really fell for this movie. It's gloriously eerie and ambiguous. Nicole Kidman is one of our living future legends, the Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn of our time and she is magnificent in this film. The final 20 seconds are brutal.

Notes on a Scandal

Nasty good fun. Pederasty and lesbian stalking in a glorious explosion of fast-paced tabloid zaniness. It's only flaw is the incredibly cliche final two minutes.

Wings
Wings(1927)

First best picture Oscar. Surpsingly ageless silent film.

Batman Gotham Knight
½

Complete poop. A waste of my hard-earned money. Stunning animation, godawful narrative.

Very Bad Things
½

Dark...comedy?...no, just dark. I don't know what this movie actually is

The Dark Knight

Not only the hands down best superhero movie ever fucking made...one of the best movies. Ever made.

Jerry Maguire

Pretty good proof that Renee Zellwegger used to be cute.

Taxi Driver
Taxi Driver(1976)
½

I wasn't sure if I was going to like this movie until the last 3 minutes and then it redeemed itself. For me this film is about a man who barely escapes his own demons.

Mulholland Drive

I was really engaged until that one part of the movie and then I was freaking confused. If you've seen it you know what Im talking about. But it was still creepy and erotic and fun.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith
½

I HATED this movie. Pretty people only get one so far before one longs for some kind of a plot.

WALL-E
WALL-E(2008)

Not pixars best, but still cute. I wanted some damn dialogue.

Iron Man
Iron Man(2008)
½

Did not live up to the hype for me. It's just another generic superhero movie.

The Invasion
The Invasion(2007)

Not a bad movie at all. The critics slammed it because of its odd morality, but it is exciting and beautifully paced.

The Brave One

Pretty much condones murder. Huh.

Akira
Akira(1988)
½

Weird. Totally effin' weird. I can't really remember what it was about, just that a guy inflates like a balloon.

Cry-Baby
Cry-Baby(1990)
½

Total absolute junk.

Suspect
Suspect(1987)
½

Cher and Dennis Quaid have the least chemistry ever. Ever.

Platoon
Platoon(1986)

The noisy action sequences are tiresome, but it was generally well-done and well-acted.

Get Smart
Get Smart(2008)
½

A surprisingly smart, exciting and funny movie.

Wanted
Wanted(2008)

The awesome action sequences make up for the thin plot.

War, Inc.
War, Inc.(2008)

I can't accurately rate this movie as I was wasted when I saw it. But I had a lot of fun.

Mamma Mia!
Mamma Mia!(2008)

This movie made me so freaking happy.

The Fountain
The Fountain(2006)

I don't know why I couldn't see how brilliant this movie is on my first viewing (which, of course, makes it all the more brilliant). I thought it was profound and visually stunning. But now I truly believe it attempts to wrap its 90- minute length around the meaning of life. And, yeah it might very well succeed. People who don't at least try to apply their brains will miss the insane overwhelming awesomeness that is this gorgeous film.

Psycho
Psycho(1998)

What happens when you remake a 40-year-old movie exactly, using the original script, music, and camera shots? You demonstrate how much movies have changed. What comes across as insanely creepy and brilliant in the 1960 version is dated and boring in the 1998 one, even though nothing has changed. Sure it's in color and the actors are different, but that's not the point. The climax is lame and the story isn't shocking. The reason the first film works is that it is set in a time of decency and respectibility. Ed Gein, the guy they based Normon on, came right out of the 1950s, blowing the surface right off of suburban tranquility. In 1998 a guy who thinks he is his mother has become passe. So even though they are pretty much the same film, Hitchcock's is genius and Van Sant's is mediocre dribble. And for some reason he decided to plop shots of clouds and cows into the murder scenes. Why? Just to be cool I guess.

Michael Clayton
½

Truly super. Morally vague and haunting. Great performances all around, and a surprising amount of directorial vision for a legal triller.

Leatherheads
Leatherheads(2008)
½

This movie was so sporadic and inconsistent. Thematically, it flirted with greatness in that it is at once an homage and a parody of classic romantic comedies. But it repeatedly fell flat on its ass when it tried to be both a sports drama and a screwball comedy.

Hairspray
Hairspray(2007)
½

A total blast. It gets a little tiresome at times, but everybody is having a hoot in it. The ending made me cry. I'm not sure why, I think it was the concentrated energy. Or maybe it was how awesomely well John Travolta plays a fat lady.

Romeo + Juliet

I finally freaking saw this. And it was hot. Sexy and awesome. It could have been better, it was not perfect, but there was enough adolescent lust to satisfy my needs.

Edward Scissorhands
½

A very beautiful movie. Stylized and touching. Winona Ryder got on my nerves. Johnny Depp and Dianne Wiest were wonderful.

Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

This isn't an actual movie. It's three tv shows poorly strung together. But hey, it's Family Guy. Which means it's funny.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets
½

A horrible movie. It is exactly the same as the first one (exactly) except that it makes no fucking sense.

Shortbus
Shortbus(2006)
½

I love this movie for one reason. Not because it's very good. Not because it has much to say (something vague about sex is all I came away with). But I will always have a soft spot (or firm spot) for this movie. Why? Because a man sucks himself off within the first 5 minutes. And then comes in his own face on camera. That's why.

Jesus Camp
Jesus Camp(2006)

A disturbing look at my childhood. But it could have used a lot more perspective. And substance. There were as many shots of trees as there were of sobbing, posessed children.

Party Monster

A typical "Boy meets Boy, Boy does drugs, Boy takes bath with Girl, Marilyn Manson overdoses" flick

There Will Be Blood

Very well done, cool soundtrack, good acting. And way too long and slow. Like most dramas that yearn for glory these days.

No Country for Old Men

A movie for men who don't like a lot of talking or emotion. And for women who don't like a lot of women in their movies. And for people who like their climaxes in the middle of a film. And for people that like Woody Harrelson (who are those people again?)

Caligula
Caligula(1979)

So I am rating the unedited version. This movie was the most bizarre movie I've ever seen. It was sick, warped, and pure evil. I gave it three stars because I couldn't take my eyes off it. You will never see another movie like it. It is truly more weird than anything I've ever imagined. And a crappy movie to boot.

Juno
Juno(2007)

A carbon copy of tons of other hip comedies that came before it. I felt like I'd seen it hundreds of times. No idea why people got so worked up about it.

The Other Boleyn Girl

Totally bland and uninteresting. Scarlet Johansson is painful, as usual, and Natalie Portman barely manages to not distract with her acting limitations.

Penelope
Penelope(2006)
½

A dumbass, predictable movie with nothing new to offer the fairy tale genre. It plays out like a made-for-television film. Thank God it's shorter than even most of the men I've woodled.

Funny Games
Funny Games(2008)
½

Absolutely brilliant commentary on film violence. Intellectually subtle and nauseatingly graphic and the same sweet time.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Bloody freaking brilliant. An amazing film adaptation. Horrific, hilarious, breathtaking, and tragic. I'm not a Johnny-slave and I've never liked a Tim Burton movie before. But this movie is ridiculously good.

August Rush
August Rush(2007)
½

Extremely heavy-handed and slurpy. But it is well-shot and the music is wonderful. Seriously though, cheeseballs should be sprinkled with almond-shavings, not Robin Williams.

Enchanted
Enchanted(2007)
½

It was funny, sweet, and I loved the musical numbers. I thought the ending was ridiculous and that Susan Sarandon was (inexplicably) the worst part of the movie.

The Golden Compass

I saw this because I love Nicole Kidman (and she's great in it, as usual) but the movie was merely entertaining on superficial levels. I couldn't stand the freaking polar bear scenes and there were more plot points than Gone With the Freaking Wind.

The Unsinkable Molly Brown

Debbie Reynolds spends a lot of time screaming in this movie.

Kramer vs. Kramer

I worship at the feet of this movie. Brilliant brilliant brilliant.

Network
Network(1976)

So delightfully twisted.

The Quiet Man

Maureen O'Hara is pretty golldurn sexy.

I.Q.
I.Q.(1994)

A cute romantic comedy. I had no idea Tim Robbins was in this movie until like five seconds ago.

Meet Me In St. Louis
½

A very dry, slow-paced movie. The acting is all quite good however.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
½

A tad on the boring, preachy side.

Far From Home - The Adventures Of Yellow Dog

Movies about dogs shouldn't have hyphens in the title.

Across the Universe
½

Yeah you got me. Every part of this movie worth seeing is in the trailer. The artistic scenes are usually brief and the longer ones have absolutely nothing to do with the story (except as excuses for Bono and Salma Hayek cameos). The realistic parts are freaking boring, with the main characters being about as appealing, attractive, and interesting as dish sponges. The supporting cast was pointless and unengaging. It was way too long and the climax of Hey Jude is a homeless man beating on garbage cans (poorly). This is the biggest triumph in film advertising to date as the trailer nearly made me come in my pants.

The Miracle Worker

OMG this movie makes me cry hysterically. Without fail.

Paper Moon
Paper Moon(1973)

Cute and funny. The pinnacle of Tatum O'Neal's career. Madeline Kahn is hysterical as usual.

Like Water for Chocolate (Como Agua para Chocolate)
½

Totally weird. But you can't really top sex on a horse. Unless it's with a horse.

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

This is a freaktastic campfest. More silly than scary, but it doesn't shy from being totally grotesque. Called "one of the blackest comedies ever made."

Bartok the Magnificent

INSANE!! I remember laughing so hard. Omg this movie is stupid. But woah, it's so trippy. And that's coming from a guy who doesn't readily attribute all creativity to drugs.

Let's Make Love
½

Kind of a crappy movie. It needed more Marilyn.

Velvet Goldmine
½

The soundtrack is awesome, the actors are all hot and famous, the costumes are out of this world, you get to see Ewan McGregor's penis. Sound like an awesome movie? Surprisingly enough, it's not. It kinda sucks. Weird.

The Matrix
The Matrix(1999)

So cornball. Fun enough though.

The Vanishing (Spoorloos)

Totally creepy. The ending is freakishly shocking.

Lady Hawke

Dude. It's totally campy and delicious. Watch it for the over-the-top 80s synth soundtrack alone.

Last Tango in Paris
½

One of the weirdest movies I've ever seen. Marlon Brando is getting fat, speaks French the whole time, and shoves butter up a young woman's anus.

Rebecca
Rebecca(1940)

Atmospheric and classic

Grand Hotel
Grand Hotel(1932)
½

Lots of famous people talking to each other in a hotel.

Two for the Road

This is just one of the most realistic, clever, bittersweet, funny, and touching romantic comedies I've ever seen. I recommend it to just about everyone on the planet. Audrey is mesmerizing and Finney looks strangely like Ewan McGregor. (Big Fish anyone?)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Barbaric, meaningless, and disturbing. People who call this an intelligent horror movie are pushing it (a lot) but the cinematography and atmosphere are well-done. And the acting (most of it involving screaming) is believable.

Klute
Klute(1971)
½

This is one of those existential 70s movies that just make you feel empty. The plot is minimal, the mystery is without intrigue, and the pacing is out-of-this-world slow.

Stardust
Stardust(2007)
½

Way too much fun. My only complaint is with the narrative. There are tons of plot holes and a few places that lose momentum. But overall, it was a hysterical and magical adventure.

Sleepless in Seattle
½

One of my favorite romantic comedies.

Superbad
Superbad(2007)
½

Hated this movie. It made me feel isolated from the entire human race. It was about people that I would dislike greatly if I encountered them in reality. A reality where pretty girls didn't always have the urge to sleep with unnatractive losers. At least in Knocked Up the fat guy was kinda sweet. In this flick, the loser tries to get her drunk so that he can bang her. And we're still supposed to cheer when he gets the girl. People could certainly argue that I should put my political leanings aside when viewing this comedy, but as far as I can tell our culture accepts comedies like this as fact, thus perpetuating the sick and demented behavior it portrays. This was actually one of the more intelligent movies of its kind out there. It just happens to be the one that pushed me over the edge. Lord, I need to masturbate or something, my asshole is all tied up in pussy knots.

Ordinary People

This film makes me cry like a wet puppy. If you ever liked a good movie in your life, you're gonna eat this fucker up like cheese. Perhaps the most underrated movie of all time, even if it did manage to win Best Picture.

Pride and Prejudice
½

Beautifully, beautifully shot. I would have given it more stars if it hadn't been for Keira Knightley's unforgivable underbight.

The Last King of Scotland
½

While I appreciated almost everything about this movie, I had a difficult time getting invested in it. No idea why. It may have been because I hadn't eaten breakfast.

Stranger Than Fiction
½

A cute concept and surprisingly touching. But in the end, it wasn't all that memorable.

The Queen
The Queen(2006)
½

This was about what I expected. Slow-paced and well-done. Didn't expect them to make the Queen look like a stodgy little bitch though.

Babel
Babel(2006)
½

Devastating and beautifully produced and executed. The multiple storylines kept my interest, but in the end I didn't totally grasp what it was all about. Just a lot of overwhelming sadness without a powerful theme. The inability to communicate as a species was about all I could glean from it, and that's nothing revolutionary.

Little Miss Sunshine

It took me a good long while to get my paws on this one. And my God, it totally lived up to the hype. It was hysterically funny and insanely moving. The characters are flawlessly written and portrayed. Top notch.

Stand by Me
Stand by Me(1986)

This film had good intentions but ended up feeling a bit thin. The characters were two-dimensional at best and their journey was hardly life-changing. River Phoenix is a great actor though and it's eerie to see him discussing death.

Misery
Misery(1990)

This film was scary but had a pretty one-dimensional plotline. Neither of the characters' psyches were fully explored and the suspense was only kept from scene to scene. And the final scene was hardcore cheeseball. I thought Kathy Bates was great, but not Oscar worthy.

Zodiac
Zodiac(2007)

Engaging at points and unbelievably boring at others. The movie was 2.5 hours long and was nothing more than a generic cop mystery.

Dreamgirls
Dreamgirls(2006)
½

Great performances, fun music, but no emotional core

Mutiny on the Bounty
½

The villain will make you give up on humanity.

Bus Stop
Bus Stop(1956)

One of Marilyn's finest performances. Sexy and sweet and a lot of fun.

The French Connection
½

Everyone loves this movie. I do not.

The Spanish Prisoner

Can't decide whether it wants to be a thriller or a satire. The strange balance of both is disconcerting and bizarre.

Home on the Range
½

Disney post-1998 sucks hairy balls.

Dial M for Murder

The first half of this movie is majorly engrossing, and then it quickly loses steam.

Kinsey
Kinsey(2004)

Really quite dull. Even biopics about sexual taboos are pointless. Reall life is never exciting.

Yellow Submarine
½

So freaking trippy. Under no circumstances should anyone watch this movie sober.

Boogie Nights
½

It was sprawling and ridiculous, but I had a good time watching it. Julianne Moore is a freckled 70s porn goddess.

The Philadelphia Story

Bringing Up Baby is much better.

Moonstruck
Moonstruck(1987)

Really cute movie. Nicolas Cage and Cher have disturbingly good chemistry. But picturing them in bed makes me kinda queazy.

The Sixth Sense

I strongly believe this to be one of the most overrated movies the world has yet to obsess over. You could make a lufa out of all the plot holes, and Bruce Willis is just plain boring. But it's entertaining.

The Hours
The Hours(2002)

Really well acted, awesome music and direction, and extremely boring.

Tootsie
Tootsie(1982)
½

This wasn't as awesome as every one has made it out to be.

Emma
Emma(1996)
½

A little bit on the dry side.

La Grande illusion (Grand Illusion)
½

Just saw this and can't remember it at all.

State Fair
State Fair(1945)
½

One of my least favorite musicals.

The Lost Weekend
½

Ray Milland is drunk for this entire movie. It's ok.

The 400 Blows (Les Quatre cents coups)
½

This movie made me so mad, which was a good thing. And I loved the ambiguous sudden conclusion.

Easter Parade

The musical numbers aren't even entertaining.

Joan of Arc
Joan of Arc(1999)
½

Fairly good TV movie.

Sneakers
Sneakers(1992)
½

Not as suspensful as I had hoped.

Dangerous Liaisons
½

Glenn Close is amazing in this film. A twisted and sexy story about wickedly bored aristocrats.

Duck Soup
Duck Soup(1933)

Hysterical, and at times not hysterical. But mostly hysterical.

The Trouble with Harry

A cute little dark comedy, Shirley MacLaine's first.

Phantom Of The Opera
½

The original film adaptation. Pretty creepy actually.

Touch of Evil

Orson Welles on the brink of unbelievable obesity.

The Man Who Knew Too Much

One of my favorite Hitchcock films. Stewart and Doris Day give heart-wrenching performances and the climax is one of the best ever.

Sunset Boulevard
½

Gloria Swanson rocks every scene she's in. Great film noir.

The Birth of a Nation
½

This is perhaps the most terrifying movie I've ever seen. Pro KKK films tend to be a bit freaky.

The Cat from Outer Space
½

Hah, this movie is ridiculous and awesome.

The Gold Rush
½

Charlie Chaplin is funny, but Buster Keaton is better. Check out Modern Times and City Lights before this one.

Wuthering Heights
½

Well from what I hear, this movie is nothing like the book. And from what I hear, I wish it was.

Solaris
Solaris(2002)
½

Trippy and abstract. This is the movie everyone saw solely to see George Clooney's butt. Natascha McElhone is hot.

Murder on the Orient Express

Needlessly long. The direction is distanced and impersonal. So many characters, it's hard for any of them to really sink in. But Agatha Christie's story is classic.

The 39 Steps
The 39 Steps(1935)
½

The best pre-Rebecca Hitchcock film. Great chemistry between the leads and just a touch of suspense.

Gigi
Gigi(1958)

This movie really makes a person want to watch My Fair Lady because it's similar but not nearly as awesome.

Anchors Aweigh

Gene Kelly dances with Jerry of "Tom and Jerry" The plot sucks but there are some fun musical numbers.

Gypsy
Gypsy(1962)
½

This musical is as unengaging as an empty recycling bin.

The Lady Vanishes
½

British Hitchcock isn't as polished as his American stuff.

Paths of Glory

Early Kubrick, not as good as his later stuff but not bad.

The African Queen

This movie is exciting and hilarious and romantic and 100% awesome.

My Man Godfrey

I remember having seen this movie, but I remember nothing about it. Must not have been too special.

Far From Heaven

Julianne Moore is a very beautiful and talented woman. And Dennis Quaid is gay. In this movie.

Pollyanna
Pollyanna(1960)

Never watch this movie when you're in a bad mood. It'll just piss you off.

The Bishop's Wife

This is like It's A Wonderful Life light. Cary Grant should never try acting serious, he's just a poof.

Coming Home
Coming Home(1978)
½

This is the only movie I've seen with a physically disabled person having sex.

Rope
Rope(1948)

Oh yes, this movie is brilliant. The whole thing happens in one apartment and is made to look like it was filmed in one long continuous shot. In fact, each shot was 10 minutes long, which if you think about it is insane. 9 minutes in and you mess up? Crap. James Stewart is a god and he takes down the immoral murderous homosexual couple like any good piece of Americana ought to.

All About Eve
½

Bette Davis being a bitter old diva. 's a bit dated yo.

Oklahoma!
Oklahoma!(1955)
½

Ugh, this movie. It's so bad.

Un Chien Andalou

I've seen this movie so many freaking times. But it's pretty damn trippy and highly recommended if you like disecting eyeballs.

Music of the Heart

Meryl Streep is a goddess and this movie is only so so.

The Silver Chair

Ah yes, my favorite childhood miniseries. I had really bad taste.

Torn Curtain
Torn Curtain(1966)
½

Julie Andrews trying to break free of Mary Poppins. This movie is slick, but not very suspenseful.

The Apartment
½

A really touching movie. Thought it was a comedy, turned out to be a romantic dramedy. Simultaneously dark and hopeful.

Bringing Up Baby

Lots and lots and lots of laughs. Both Katherine and Cary are hysterical.

Der Krieger und die Kaiserin (The Princess and the Warrior)
½

I saw this because it had the star and director from Run, Lola, Run. But it wasn't anywhere near as good. And it was long.

Nosferatu, a Symphony of Horror (Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens) (Nosferatu the Vampire)
½

I've never been one to judge something because it's old, but this movie is really old.

Hannah and Her Sisters

For Woody Allen, this was surprisingly unfunny and stodgy.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man(2002)

It was entertaining, The villain was ridiculous, Tobey Maguire's a peach, Kirsten Dunst makes a weird redhead, and Batman's better.

Tommy
Tommy(1975)
½

Whacked out. Some parts (all of the one's with Ann-Margret) were freakishly awesome, and some parts were just nonsensical.

In & Out
In & Out(1997)
½

One of the few good gay movies.

Yentl
Yentl(1983)
½

Barbra Streisand had a surprisingly hard time being a convincing man, but the songs and the complicated plot are fun.

The Snowman
The Snowman(1982)
½

The song Walking in the Air gives me chills, and the cartoon is frigidly bittersweet.

To Catch a Thief

Totally hot chemistry between Grant and Kelly and a blahdeeblah who cares plot.

Fluke
Fluke(1995)
½

This and Spy Kids made my mom go nuts.

But I'm a Cheerleader

A really funny movie that I can relate to, but to which you can probably cannot.

A Star Is Born

This is a really really patchy movie. Judy Garland is great, but the story either needed to be expanded or cut down or something.

Terms of Endearment
½

An estrogen drenched cheeseball fest.

Judgment at Nuremberg

Lots of impressive performances but a bit wearing.

The Sweet Hereafter

Hauntingly bittersweet and disturbing

Herbie Rides Again
½

Herbie stalls in his second installment. HAHA oh I should be a critic. Cause critics suck and that was pretty lame.

From Here to Eternity

I enjoyed this movie quite a bit, but there's no way anyone could have sex right there in the surf like that. The sand and it would be cold and taste bad. Gag.

The Rescuers
The Rescuers(1977)
½

This movie scares the shit out of me to this day. I cannot stand it, it gives me nightmares.

Seabiscuit
Seabiscuit(2003)

Horses racing and to this I'm supposed to weep. Sure Tobey Maguire is cute and (blind I think) but meh.

The Poseidon Adventure
½

Props to Shelley Winters for getting so fat and being able to swim.

Dead Poets Society

Totally cheesy, but hey whatever.

Good Night, And Good Luck

I thought it was boring, thank God it was short.

The Maltese Falcon

The standard film noir, it's fun to watch, but nothing breathtaking.

Ben-Hur
Ben-Hur(1959)

At points this film is spectacular, at other points it is just excessive.

Cinderella Man
½

The most typical boxing movie I could have imagined.

Full Metal Jacket

Quite boring really. The first section was really great and the second one sucked. I know a few film professors who would have a cow if I told them that, but goddamit we all know it's the truth.

Dogville
Dogville(2003)
½

This movie was pretty damn cool. No sets, and everything was allegorical. I recommend it for people who like experimental film.

Waking Life
Waking Life(2001)

I would have enjoyed this film if it had been 30 minutes long. But after two hours of convoluted philosophical floating discussion, I always end up wanted to shove a brick up my butt.

The Pagemaster
½

The live action bits were much better than the animated ones.

Brother Bear
Brother Bear(2003)
½

Disney, Disney, Disney...You are sucking it up.

Shakespeare in Love
½

The amount of times these people had sex really bugged me. But it was well done.

Star Trek: First Contact

I can't even remember if I've seen this. Huh.

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

I saw this after becoming obsessed with FFVII. The animation was spectacular and the plot was mediocre.

Citizen Kane
Citizen Kane(1941)

The most overrated film in the history of God's earth.

Saved!
Saved!(2004)
½

I wanted this movie to be way way darker. I wanted Mandy Moore's character to die and all of kinds of other shit, but it turned out to be another fence-riding cheese-fest. Lots of lost potential.

Space Jam
Space Jam(1996)
½

I didn't even like this one when I was a kid. It had none of the looney tunes magic.

Walk the Line
½

This movie made me want to eat Reese Witherspoon up like a Snickers bar, she was just so darn cute. And its uncanny how Johnny Cash and Ray Charles are exactly the same person.

Big Fish
Big Fish(2003)

This movie left a weird taste in my mouth. It tried to be whimsical and charming and failed. Twas funky.

Happy Feet
Happy Feet(2006)

Weirdass movie. Couldn't really get into it.

Apocalypto
Apocalypto(2006)

The most violent movie EVAH!!!

Rocky
Rocky(1976)

The goofiest best picture winner ever. Adrienne was pretty freaking funny at the beginning, and then all of a sudden she was just some woman.

Hitch
Hitch(2005)
½

Pleasurable romantic comedy dribble

Patton
Patton(1970)
½

Made me wanna go to war. Actually, I lied. It did not make me want to go to war. At all.

Ratatouille
Ratatouille(2007)

Didn't like many of the characters and the plot lacked dynamic or much humor.

Mean Creek
Mean Creek(2004)
½

A dramatic but unsatisfying movie about when bullies go too far. Mormons killing each other.

Frankenstein
Frankenstein(1931)
½

The original in which Frankenstein's monster kills a little girl. More sad than scary.

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
½

Gruff men who want to get rich. It was entertaining, but not very memorable.

Carousel
Carousel(1956)
½

A weirdly uncharacteritic Rodgers and Hammerstein musical about abuse and suicide and teenage promiscuity. Perhaps a bit too abstract.

M
M(1931)
½

The movie that brought pedophilia back into vogue.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (Das Cabinet des Dr. Caligari)

Sweet set design and a truly surreal and ambiguous plot.

Joseph: King of Dreams

I have seen this movie. I admit everything and nothing.

Holiday Inn
Holiday Inn(1942)
½

Better than White Christmas purely for the musical numbers.

Cats: The Musical

Horrible. Drove me nuts. Singing cats. That is all.

In the Heat of the Night

The racism theme is powerful, but the detective story is dry and unengaging.

Hamlet
Hamlet(1990)

Mel Gibson dry humps Glenn Close, but say what?! she's his mother. Oh yeah.

Monster's Ball

Halle Berry is feisty, and yes, the sex scene is realistic. No vajayjay though. I was bummed out about that.

Kate & Leopold
½

Yeah, it's a romantic comedy.

Secretary
Secretary(2002)

One of my favorites. What appears to be a dark twisted comedy turns out to be a sweet and gentle love story. Awesome.

Blade Runner
Blade Runner(1982)

Visually resplendent, ambiguous, aggravating, and intriguing.

Pi
Pi(1998)
½

After seeing Requiem, this movie was barren and maddening. I had a tough time connecting with it.

A History of Violence
½

One of the most awesomely violent sex scenes ever. And some killing and a lot of confusion.

Match Point
Match Point(2005)

A sometimes sexy, sometimes frustrating, cold, distant film. With no one to cheer for, the movie lacks emotion.

The Paradine Case

A basic courtroom drama, not much else.

Notorious (1946)

Pretty slick Hitchcock. Low on suspense, heavy on atmosphere.

The Seven Year Itch

Funny to the max. Marilyn is hysterical and breathtaking. Raunchy neurotic fun.

Gaslight
Gaslight(1944)

So melodramatic I nearly combusted. Ingrid Bergman made me want to sick up.

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Brilliant. Brilliant. Usually Elizabeth Taylor bothers me, but she's just crazy wild and busty and toxic in this movie. Burton and crew are also awesome.

Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

I adore this movie. I view it as a spectacularly bittersweet coming-of-age film.

The Searchers

Supposed to be one of the best westerns. Goes to show you why I don't care for westerns.

The Man Who Knew Too Much

The remake is surprisingly much much better.

Arthur
Arthur(1981)
½

Dudley Moore acting drunk for two hours.

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask
½

A bunch of skits about sex. Some of them are hysterical, others not so much. Gene Wilder in love with a sheep is classic.

What's Up, Doc?

Hysterical, stupid, and charming. Streisand, O'Neal, and Madeleine Kahn are great. Suffers a bit from moments of idiotic boredom, but whatever.

Sleuth
Sleuth(1972)

This is a blast of a movie. Two legends running around a mansion filled with bizarrities, attempting to outwit outplay and perhaps exterminate the other.

American Splendor
½

A weird trippy comic book movie that is sometimes touching, but never much fun

Newsies
Newsies(1992)

If you like dancing boys with early 90s haircuts and very little plot, you may like it.

Fantasia 2000
½

Short, sweet, and spectacular. Thank God they cut out that boring speaking bald man from the original.

Dinosaur
Dinosaur(2000)
½

Visually awesome, but alas, no story.

Spun
Spun(2003)

A crazy, pointless, scattered drug wasteland.

FernGully - The Last Rainforest
½

Tim Curry is sexy even when he's playing a skeletal puddle of oil.

Jackie Brown
Jackie Brown(1997)
½

My least favorite Tarantino.

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

This is like the best musical homage to sexism ever created.

Fantasia
Fantasia(1940)
½

I loved the end of this movie with the demons when I was kid. I was a crazy kid.

The Rocketeer

They were gonna make a sequel but nobody liked it. I say nertz to that, go ahead and make it now. Jennifer Connelly is still hot. And people like zeppelins more than they did then.

Run Lola Run
Run Lola Run(1999)

SO AWESOME. Does for hot German chicks what Psycho did for showers

The Return of Jafar

The only Disney sequel I watched without bleeding from the eyes.

Once Upon a Time in the West
½

This movie had the prettiest score ever.

The Pianist
The Pianist(2002)
½

Adrien Brody wandering around, almost dying. I WANTED MORE PIANO!

The Elephant Man

A sad, ponderous, exhausting film.

Honey, I Blew Up the Kid

The kid had blonde curly hair and was named Adam.

A Streetcar Named Desire

Marlon Brando in his steamy, shirt-ripping glory. Vivien Leigh ranting and moaning like the hot chick she is. This sweaty movie makes me wanna go to an asylum and just do it like a derranged rabbit.

The Brave Little Toaster

This movie rocks. It's so damn funny. And it's got a creepy 80s soundtrack.

Ghost World
Ghost World(2001)
½

The only movie that made me think farting was funny.

Monster
Monster(2004)
½

So deeply disturbing, you'll want to watch it every time you get too happy.

The Love Bug
The Love Bug(1969)
½

Herbie is a cute little car with a mind of his own. Fuck, I should write the synopsis on the back of DVDs.

Y Tu Mama Tambien

So they have sex, but it's not sexy. And that's the point.

Freaky Friday
½

Jodie Foster is pretty cool, and Barbara Harris is a funny lady.

American Graffiti
½

If you like watching teenagers driving around in cars, this movie is the stuff of dreams.

Rebel Without a Cause

Oh James. You are all I hope to be and have and pursue and obtain and yearn for you angsty brilliant ball of dead 50s adolescant flame. Never change, keep in touch, and may the Gods wrap you in their loving embrace.

Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker
½

Love the joker, thought this was lame.

Hoosiers
Hoosiers(1986)

Gene Hackman is a homosexual. There I said it.

White Christmas

So everyone claims this is a timeless Christmas film, but I dare you to watch it and claim that it has anything to do with Christmas. Not to mention it sucks.

Best in Show
Best in Show(2000)

An entertaining mocumentary. Maybe it's because I hate dogs, but I wanted more.

The Muppet Movie
½

Other than The Rainbow Connection (WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SONGS?!) this film was a bit stiff and boring.

Stir of Echoes
½

It was unsatisfying, not scary, and Kevin Bacon is so wirey. He's like a licorice whip.

Identity
Identity(2003)

A pretty fun plot twist, but not enough thrills to justify it.

It's a Wonderful Life

It's long, it's cheesy, and it's the most inspirational movie ever made. I kid you not, I cry every time. It's like taking a bath in hot chocolate.

Mystic River
Mystic River(2003)
½

Sean Penn contorts his face into 5.3 different looks of complete anguish.

Some Like It Hot
½

So, everyone claims this movie is the best comedy ever made. I disagree. There are very few real laughs, it's mostly just running around in heels. I recommend The Seven Year Itch if you want a truly funny Monroe film.

Something's Gotta Give

Diane Keaton is hysterical in this movie. It's a bit long, and at times annoying, but Diane Keaton is so damn funny I didn't even care.

Philadelphia
Philadelphia(1993)

I expected a sad, heavy handed film about the gays, and tada, that's what I got.

The Ten Commandments

Let my people go you bald headed tyrant. Yahyah ya betcha.

2001: A Space Odyssey

One of the most brilliant and boring movies ever made.

Sling Blade
Sling Blade(1996)

Billy Bob Thornton's performance was really impressive, but I'm starting to think it's not too hard to act mentally impaired. Everyone seems to do it well.

Old Yeller
Old Yeller(1957)

I don't want to give anything away, but this is a really sad movie. Cause they shoot the dog.

Capote
Capote(2005)
½

This was such an overwhelmingly slow-paced movie. Hoffman spent the entire time whispering effeminately and then, um, nothing at all happened.

West Side Story

If I ever join a gang, they had better be able to fucking dance. Or I'm gonna be so disappointed.

Father of the Bride: Part II

As cute and cheesy and edible as the first one.

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

James Stewart being his usual badass self. A little heavy on the patriotism at times, but wicked sweet nontheless.

Ladyhawke
Ladyhawke(1985)

HAHA YES!!!! 80s synth music and Michelle Pfeiffer and Mathew Broderick talking to himself! Righteous!

Beethoven's 2nd
½

I seem to remember there was quite a few poop jokes.

Traffic
Traffic(2000)

Not my scene. Don't get me wrong. I love drugs. Just not Michael Douglas.

The Producers

This movie looked as if they put the camera in one place and then just danced spastically around in front of it. In other words, it looked like a play. And it sucked.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

This was actually pretty cool. Less emphasis on aliens, and more on mashed potatoes. As it should be.

DuckTales: The Movie - Treasure of the Lost Lamp

Now this is what movies with anthropomorphic ducks should always be like.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch
½

Flashy, colorful, weird, and only mildly satisfying.

Closer
Closer(2004)

It's a movie about horrible immoral physically attractive people. And while that may fascinate some, it made me want to die.

Blue Velvet
Blue Velvet(1986)

The coolest movie about underground sexual deviance pretty much ever.

His Girl Friday

Lots of witty banter, helter skelter, quickly paced.

Harvey
Harvey(1950)

Boring, I expected more. I am James Stewart's slave though.

Funny Face
Funny Face(1957)
½

Lots of great clothes, but the plot and the music were severely lacking.

Buffalo '66
Buffalo '66(1998)
½

Christina Ricci and Vincent Gallo get into a tub together. This movie was surprisingly sweet and touching.

Being John Malkovich

Hysterical and quirky and insane. Cameron Diaz has got some big hair and John Malkovich? Well, he's bald. But still..

The Mothman Prophecies
½

Really ambiguous and atmospheric and ridiculous.

Housesitter
Housesitter(1992)

OH this movie is pretty funny.

One Hour Photo
½

Tried to be creepy, ended up being formulaic and stupid.

American Psycho
½

SO deranged. Naked Christian Bale running around with a chainsaw shoving dogs into ATMs.

Planet of the Apes
½

Charlton Heston's butt and that statue of liberty bit. And a lot of MONKAYS!!!

Benny & Joon
Benny & Joon(1993)

This movie really scared me when I was a kid. It made me think my mom was gonna go bonkers. And then she did.

The Motorcycle Diaries
½

Slow, but Gael is so hot there's no way you'll notice.

The Secret of NIMH
½

I was obsessed with this movie as a kid.

A Fish Called Wanda
½

Jamie Lee Curtis is a funny funny woman.

Fly Away Home
½

The best goose movie around.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

Mickey Rooney's racist Asian bit could have been cut out, yessir.

The Three Musketeers
½

Oh poop. This made me so happy. There's boobs and knives and Chris O'Donnell naked and Tim Curry being a perve.

The Adventures of Milo and Otis

One of my faves as a kid. Pretty stupid though. And one wicked nasty birth scene.

Four Rooms
Four Rooms(1996)

Freakish, not engaging movie.

Raging Bull
Raging Bull(1980)

I did not like this movie. One, it's about boxing. Two, it sucks.

Easy Rider
Easy Rider(1969)

So boring. A really cool LSD trip though.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

It was pretty good. Maybe I expected too much.

The Cell
The Cell(2000)

So deranged and not very good. Visually spectacular though.

Driving Miss Daisy
½

I don't know how they made her look so old, but they did.

Anne of Green Gables
½

Ah to live in this movie and find my Gilbert.

The Dark Crystal
½

Slow as hell. It's a movie with a lot of puppets who don't speak English.

The Prince of Egypt

So, yeah, loved this freaking movie.

Trainspotting
½

Ewan McGregor is a Scottish penis-baring mangod.

Treasure Planet

Ok movie, but damn they need to start making musicals again.

Cold Mountain

Well for hating HATING both Jude and Renee, I handled it quite well

Brick
Brick(2006)

Saw this movie with the guy who directed it.

Annie
Annie(1999)

Saw it, twas stupid.

Charlotte's Web
½

I was Templeton in a middle school production, yes I was, yep.

Jungle 2 Jungle
½

Made me crush on Leelee what's her fart.

The King and I

Shall we dance? Shall we die? Shall we be generally awesome? Oh yes.

October Sky
October Sky(1999)

Oh yeah, Jake Gyllenhaal was in that movie. I liked that movie a bit.

Batman
Batman(2002)

Not a movie you nutbag facebook slug people.

The Muppet Christmas Carol

One of the best Christmas Carol movies.

Bewitched
Bewitched(2005)

This was so unbelievably stupid.

Harry and the Hendersons

This was my favorite movie when I was a kid.

Joe Versus the Volcano

Oh God this movie is weird and totally stupid.

Swiss Family Robinson

Oh how I loved this movie. Made me wanna blow pirates up with coconuts.

The Black Stallion
½

Saw it. If I recall, nobody talks for the entire first half.

Sense and Sensibility
½

It's a movie about rich British people

The Lion, the Witch, & the Wardrobe (TV SHOW)
½

Haha, the miniseries was so cheesy bad and I loved it.

Mighty Joe Young

Charlize Theron has sex with a big monkey

Punch-Drunk Love
½

I hate Adam Sandler, but not so much in this movie.

Panic Room
Panic Room(2002)
½

Overdone, wanted more.

12 Angry Men (Twelve Angry Men)

Pretty cool movie that happens in one room.

25th Hour
25th Hour(2003)

No plot at all, but that doesn't distract as much as one would think.

The Rookie
The Rookie(2002)

Baseball and diapers and such

A Place in the Sun

Montgomery Clift kills Shelley Winters

Amazing Grace

My mother MADE me see this. Like forced me to watch it.

Dr. Strangelove Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
½

Wrote a paper on this fucker. But that's not why I don't like it.

Roman Holiday

Made me wanna curl up and die. Strange reaction I know.

Clue
Clue(1985)
½

Pretty stupid, but I like it.

Young Frankenstein
½

I didn't like this as much as I wanted to

Amadeus
Amadeus(1984)

Really long and pretty freaking sweet

Miracle
Miracle(2004)

Saw it on a gigantic boat

Down With Love

Pretty sweet lemme tell ya

About Schmidt

Jack Nicholson's old saggy butt.

Meet the Robinsons

Saw it in 3D, was really bizarre

How the Grinch Stole Christmas
½

Oh yeah, they should have never made that live action disaster

Pete's Dragon

Really pretty music. And Micky Rooney is drunk.

Merlin
Merlin(1998)

Haha, I was obsessed with this miniseries

The Rescuers Down Under

So much better than the mindblowingly terrifying original

Don Juan DeMarco

This was surprisingly horrible. My Marlon Brando turned out fat.

White Oleander
½

Kinda boring. Michelle Pfeiffer where have you gone? Come back to us you stunning vision.

The Birds
The Birds(1963)

Woooo!!! Mysoginistic brilliance!!

Contact
Contact(1997)

I worship Jodie Foster and wormholes are neat

The New World

So freakishly beautiful and so astoundingly boring.

Big
Big(1988)
½

Tom Hanks is adorable

A Beautiful Mind

Jennifer Connelly's hot, Russell Crowe's a geek, and math will make you go crazy

A.I. Artificial Intelligence
½

I saw this movie before I knew I hated Jude Law

Back to the Future Part III
½

You get to see some of Michael J. Fox's butt, and he's really short, so that's pretty cool

Kill Bill: Volume 2
½

So much sword-fighting, ass-kicking fun. WOO

Pulp Fiction
Pulp Fiction(1994)

Uma Thurman's parts are the best. That and the gimp.

Cheaper by the Dozen

Lots of nameless children and the beautiful Bonnie Hunt

Snatch
Snatch(2001)
½

Scratchy patchy snatchy and lame

Kill Bill: Volume 1
½

Necessary to watch in order to see the awesome second half.

Ocean's Eleven
½

Lots of famous people in a casino.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
½

Entertaining. Lord the sequel turned me off though.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
½

Best of the new ones. Still pretty stupid though.

The Incredibles

Computer animated humans are weird looking.

Braveheart
Braveheart(1995)

Made me aspire to be yet another flakey floopy gay monarch.

Shrek 2
Shrek 2(2004)

Funny, but should have never been made. Ah corporate greed.

The Ring
The Ring(2002)

I laughed all through this movie. Like when she pulls that string out of her mouth? Haha, oh my god it was so bad.

About a Boy
About a Boy(2002)
½

Made me love Hugh Grant and Toni Collette.

Shrek
Shrek(2001)
½

Hysterical. They are making a Shrek 4 and it makes me wanna be violent.

Sin City
Sin City(2005)

Beautiful, really stupid, lotsa fun

Donnie Darko
Donnie Darko(2001)

Trippy weird. Could have used something else, no idea what.

Casino Royale

The only James Bond I've ever seen. It was ok.

Hocus Pocus
Hocus Pocus(1993)

Sarah Jessica Parker being really hot.

Air Bud
Air Bud(1997)
½

Dogs and sports. My least favorite things next to Hitler.

Knocked Up
Knocked Up(2007)
½

A funny movie about yet another fat guy who manages to score a hot chick.

Anastasia
Anastasia(1997)

This movie is whacked and Dimitri is hot.

Memoirs of a Geisha
½

Horrible. Read the book. Then watch this horrible movie.

Chicken Little
½

Disney has gone to the dogs.

Cast Away
Cast Away(2000)

Tom Hanks was buff and tan during the filming of this movie.

Chicken Run
Chicken Run(2000)

Really funny. Haha chickens. Running. Haha.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show
½

I like this movie more everytime.

Ghost
Ghost(1990)

Whoopi Goldberg is hilarious and the special effects are SO bad.

The Parent Trap
½

She was so cute back in the day. And now she's hot and drunk

The Godfather, Part II
½

I liked the first one better. Much was lost with Brando's absence.

The Lion King II: Simba's Pride

The movie that made me realize that Disney should never attempt sequels.

Night at the Museum
½

This movie had no plot. Zero plot. 0

Minority Report

Oh God, I loved this movie. I have no idea why everyone doesn't worship this thing. (Tom Cruise is a psycho and this movie is schweet)

102 Dalmatians
½

Glen Close is one of our countries finest actresses. That said...umm....

The Mighty Ducks

The best one. Oh those crazy kids.

Jurassic Park

Well it's a movie about dinosaurs.

GoodFellas
GoodFellas(1990)
½

Scorcese's overrated crapfest.

Free Willy
Free Willy(1993)

One of my favorite childhood movies.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

Crap. Good music, some fun light saber stuff, but no story and horrible acting.

Apollo 13
Apollo 13(1995)

They float around a bit.

Back to the Future
½

So much freaking fun. Love it love it.

American Beauty

Top notch awesomeness. Makes me want to succeed in life.

Atlantis - The Lost Empire

One of the crapiest Disney movies ever made.

Fight Club
Fight Club(1999)
½

Helena Bonham Carter is a really hot woman. But Brad Pitt...I don't even want to think about it right now.

Antz
Antz(1998)
½

Liked it better than that stupid Bug's Life movie.

Superman
Superman(1978)

Ah yeah, Superman turns back time by flying backwards around the planet. Amen.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

My fave Indiana movie. Sean Connery is hysterical. And it's got Hitler in it. Ca va?

X2: X-Men United

Famke Janssen looks like a hot man.

Beethoven
Beethoven(1992)
½

Movies should never be about animals.

Dogma
Dogma(1999)
½

What a waste of a shot at religious satirical brilliance.

Airplane!
Airplane!(1980)
½

Totally ridiculous. This movie has got some boobs in it.

D2: The Mighty Ducks

The Mighty Ducks. What a goofy thing. Hmmm.

The Wedding Singer

I have no love for Adam Sandler.

Predator
Predator(1987)

Worst movie I've ever seen. That is not an exagerration. Predator, with Aronold Schwarzenegger, is the worst movie I have ever seen.

A Clockwork Orange

So delightfully disturbing. Book's just as good if not better.

Memento
Memento(2000)

So smart and well-made and entertaining.

Seven (Se7en)
½

Without Silence of the Lambs, this movie would not have been made.

Jaws
Jaws(1975)
½

GOD I HATE THIS MOVIE. And not even because the shark looks fake. That I could overcome. BUT THE MOVIE IS SO STUPID

Babe
Babe(1995)

I quote this movie all the time and people always take offense. "That'll do pig, that'll do."

Reservoir Dogs

One of the few shameless guy movies that I totally loved.

The Lion King

I'm really not a big fan of this movie even though I can honestly say that it is perfect.

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

Exactly the same as the first one. Which means it's good.

An American Tail
½

There are no cats in America.

Brokeback Mountain
½

So boring, but I'm gay so I'm obligated to like it. But really a snoozer.

Freaky Friday
½

Hee hee...I liked this movie.

The Holiday
The Holiday(2006)

AAAAAHHH I HATE JUDE LAW. love Kate Winslet, WHY JUDE LAW IS ALIVE...AAHHHH

Robin Hood
Robin Hood(1973)
½

Used to love it, went back and watched it recently, it's not great, but it will always be nostalgic for me

The Princess Bride
½

Never really got into it, but I can see the appeal. Cary Elwes was the hottest guy on the planet for about 4 years there.

Home Alone
Home Alone(1990)
½

I totally forget this is a Christmas movie every time I watch it.

The Godfather

So long. So damn long. And what do they do? They kill people? Why? For family. And for this it's the best movie of all time. Sigh.

The Passion of the Christ

I boycotted this movie for a really long time because it was about Jesus cause we have a shifty relationship at best. But then I gave in and watched and loved it. Hate Mel Gibson though. Dumb bigot-head.

Open Season
Open Season(2006)
½

Ashton Kutcher is hot and he's a complete spazoid and this movie he's a deer

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

The boring Star Wars movie. Which isn't saying much. Because it is awesome.

Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights
½

Adam Sandler should probably just die. Or get by a freight train. Or he could die.

Good Will Hunting
½

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck swearing a lot, then they win some Oscar thing.

The Fox and the Hound

I HATED this movie when I was little. Now I realize how wonderful it really is.

Flubber
Flubber(1997)

Robin Williams should only make dramas and vulgar comedies. Family movies, no.

National Treasure
½

I thought I would hate this movie. But it was entertaining.

The Usual Suspects

Thought it was gonna be better actually.

Million Dollar Baby
½

Boxing movie with a little twist. But still a damn boxing movie.

The Da Vinci Code

This was EXACTLY like the book

Sister Act
Sister Act(1992)
½

I love pop-singing nuns

Father of the Bride

Sigh, cheesy as hell. And I love it.

Lilo & Stitch
½

Silly. I liked the Hawaii parts, the aliens were lame.

Cars
Cars(2006)
½

Made me want to live in a small town. That is seriously hard to do.

Saving Private Ryan
½

Is this movie pro-war or what? I'm confused.

Toy Story
Toy Story(1995)
½

This movie scared me. And it's great.

Spider-Man 2
Spider-Man 2(2004)

Alfred Molina has got some man boobs eh?

Two Weeks Notice

Saw this with some spastic big-nosed hormonal homophobic Mormon teenage girls. They loved it.

28 Days
28 Days(2000)

Sandra Bullock is a drunk

Napoleon Dynamite
½

Shit. This movie is shit. Why this movie was so well-received is a mystery to rival the existance of God

Munich
Munich(2005)
½

Total crap from start to finish

The Exorcist
The Exorcist(1973)
½

This movie makes me want to die.

Spy Kids
Spy Kids(2001)
½

The movie that made my mom go mentally insane (I kid you not, like she went to an institution after seeing this movie)

28 Days Later

Zombies and Cillian Murphy's tiny flaccid penis

Blow
Blow(2001)

A piece of biopic crap

Hercules
Hercules(1997)

Hysterical. And I love the music.

Batman Begins
½

The only Batman movie I've ever seen. It's like I'm a heretic. Someone should light a match under me

Pan's Labyrinth

So cool and dark. Like movies with children should always be.

The Jungle Book

Mowgli's freaking annoying and the animals rock

A Bug's Life
A Bug's Life(1998)
½

Least favorite pixar movie

Annie
Annie(1982)

She has got a really big fro.

Tarzan
Tarzan(1999)
½

Phil Colins is the muenster cheese of music.

The Shining
The Shining(1980)

Over the top acting. Made me laugh and cringe. Awesome direction by Kubrick. Awesome score.

Cinderella
Cinderella(1950)

Gives hope to people with freakishly tiny feet everywhere

Superman Returns
½

Yet another movie I saw with a certain scuzz-bucket-head. Without any kind of appeal. Lois Lane, Superman, that bald guy. All stupid.

Team America: World Police

Really funny. I even like the homophobia.

You've Got Mail
½

Sleepless in Seattle light.

Grease
Grease(1978)

Back when John Travolta was hot.

Stuart Little

A movie about a cartoon mouse.

Eyes Wide Shut
½

So bizarre. Has a pretty awesome orgy in it though.

House of 1000 Corpses

One of the three worst movies I've ever seen

Bedknobs and Broomsticks

Angela Lansbury has got some fine legs

Quills
Quills(2000)

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.. This movie is like the twisted awesomeness I wish life was like all the time

The Swan Princess

Did you know this movie was made by Mormons?

Tom and Huck
Tom and Huck(1995)

This movie kicked off my childhood JTT crush

Three Kings
Three Kings(1999)
½

Dirt and war and lots of dirt

The Great Escape
½

Motorcycles and war and stuff

Sabrina
Sabrina(1954)
½

Audrey Hepburn is super, this movie ain't

Pink Floyd - The Wall

Saw this while sitting in the freezing cold rain

Princess Mononoke (Mononoke-hime)
½

My one venture into anime and I didn't care for it

Oliver!
Oliver!(1968)
½

Silly as hell and I love it

SLC Punk
SLC Punk(1998)
½

One of the great odes to conformity.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
½

Rudolph's Happy New Year is better.

Metropolis
Metropolis(1927)

My favorite silent film. Surprisingly racey.

Singin' in the Rain

One of the funniest movies ever. One of the best musicals ever. One of the best movies ever.

The Big Lebowski
½

Seeing as I am not a real man, I didn't care for this movie

Apocalypse Now
½

Not as good as it should have been. Excessive and overly-confident.

When Harry Met Sally

Where oh where did Meg Ryan's career go?

The Others
The Others(2001)

Nicole Kidman could turn me straight.

Toy Story 2
Toy Story 2(1999)

Better than the first one. Which is more impressive than the entire country of Poland

The Karate Kid

Saw this once, it was good I think. Like Rocky, only with Karate and less grunting

Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi

Excellent conclusion. I wanna be Jabba the Hut in my next life. Cause Carrie Fisher is hot.

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

I laughed, I pooped my pants, I laughed, I changed my underwear, I pooped in them again, I ran out of poop, and then I laughed

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
½

old, funny looking animation, and just so great

Signs
Signs(2002)

then they went and showed us the damn aliens

Twister
Twister(1996)

My Mom wouldn't let me watch this when they showed it at Outdoor Lab

Matilda
Matilda(1996)

I really love this movie. The trunchbull is the coolest lesbian ever (next to Ellen, which is implied so I don't know why I'm bothering to clarify)

The 40 Year Old Virgin

Funny, but overly long and sometimes pointless like all comedies are.

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

Best Star Wars movie ever. And one of the best movies ever.

Phone Booth
Phone Booth(2003)
½

Ridiculous. Some people think they are awesome. And they are just not

Click
Click(2006)

Adam Sandler shares my name and for that he shall burn in hell forever

101 Dalmatians

Cruella rocks. The dogs are too cute for my tastes

Meet the Parents
½

Fine. I don't like comedies. But you know that already.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding
½

WAY overestimated. Stupidass movie.

Groundhog Day
½

I got you babe. This movie rocks. So funny.

The Prestige
The Prestige(2006)

Kinda fun. Saw it in San Fran with a scuzz bucket

American History X
½

SO preachy. Racism is bad. DID YOU HEAR ME?! RACISM IS A BAD THING!

Schindler's List

Long. It's a long movie. It has an excessive length.

Mission: Impossible

One of the few action movies I actually got into

The Departed
The Departed(2006)

The first Scorcese movie that I've actually enjoyed

Labyrinth
Labyrinth(1986)

Haha, this movie is so lame but I love it so much

Ice Age
Ice Age(2002)

Is this movie exactly like Monstors Inc. or am I totally delierious

Jumanji
Jumanji(1995)
½

One of my guilty pleasures

Remember the Titans
½

Typical, well-done, sports movie

Evita
Evita(1996)

I worship Madonna. Other than that, pedantic movie all around.

The Sting
The Sting(1973)
½

Fun quasi sequel to Butch Cassidy

Gangs of New York
½

Long and scattered, but engossing nontheless

Ray
Ray(2004)

Pretty amazing performance. But I hate biopics

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
½

I was SO close to screaming "WHAT THE FREAKING HELL!!?" in the theater when I saw this one.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
½

Best one of the three. Why? Well you can figure out that punchline on your own

Gladiator
Gladiator(2000)

Russell Crowe is kind of a brute, no?

300
300(2007)

I am morally opposed to this film

Anna and the King