Teddy Voelkel's Movie Ratings - Rotten Tomatoes

Movie Ratings and Reviews

Uncle Kent 2
Uncle Kent 2(2016)

Is it fair to say a movie is complete shit when that's what's it's trying so desperately to be? Yes, it is.

Louder Than Bombs
½

If this movie's hand were laid on my chest I would've suffocated by the end of the first act, if it had had a first act that is. Don't you know that rich white people with glamorous jobs have problems, too, or do you just not care? Do you care to care? No ... not really.

Suicide Squad

One thing is completely certain: David Ayer is big Matrix fan...

Fletch
Fletch(1985)

One of the best comedies ever made, and easily Chevy Chase's best film bar none.

Everybody's Fine

The filmmaker decided to switch from 24 to 30 fps about halfway through the movie, but that isn't all that changes. It's pretty clear that what is happening here is the choice of television over film. Fuck this bullshit movie if this is what cinema is going to become. It almost feels like Kirk Jones did this bullshit on purpose, so fuck him, too. Easily one of the worst movies I've seen in years...

The End Of The Tour

I'm not sure how accurately David Wallace is portrayed, because it seems a little more than indulgent, but this is still an interesting film. Jesse Eisenberg continues to impress and Jason Segel begins to intrigue. Even if you know nothing about Infinite Jest, this film will be interesting in the way it can show you what a human is like, or at least how he might like to be thought of.

In the Loop
In the Loop(2009)

Easily one of the funniest films I've ever seen. Brilliant.

Outbreak
Outbreak(1995)
½

Shitty Dustin Hoffman paycheck flick starring ... just about everybody. In spite of a Hollywood-style "all star cast," this movie drowns in mediocrity, plot-wise, acting-wise, and in every other way imaginable. If you want to watch a not so great movie with a massive A-list cast, just watch Sneakers...

Conspiracy Theory

Mel makes up for what Julia has absolutely none of. What's that stuff called? Talent, that's it. Mel still had talent when this was made, and Julia ... never really did. Plus Jean Luc Picard is the bad guy. Decent flick...

Backdraft
Backdraft(1991)

I can't think of a better film about firemen. I also can't think of another film about firemen...

Draft Day
Draft Day(2014)

Difficult to finish. Poor Mr. Costner...

Napoleon Dynamite
½

Subtle and over-the-top at the same time. This is modern brilliance in comedy that doesn't puss-out and give up at the end. Hysterical from start to finish; watch this film or die, mutha phukka!

American Sniper

America, fuck yeah! Coming to save the mother fucking day! Apparently this guy was a real asshole in real life, maybe a bit more of that should have come through seeing as how this was supposed to be a bio pic. Anyway, yawn...

Fight Club
Fight Club(1999)

This film is far superior to the book. Norton gives the performance of his career, and Pitt shows us that good direction a decent performance can make. He's decently decent, but only just.

Nightcrawler
Nightcrawler(2014)

A sort of weird anti-noir that steals just enough from that genre to put the idea of a noir in your head, but then somehow ends up taking virtually nothing that really makes a noir a noir. I want to like the anti-hero, but he's too in control to be a bad guy and too weird to be a hero. I have to ask, if this guy is so crafty and always in control, why does he start off as a petty thief making money by stealing copper wire and fences? Why does he end up driving such a cool car (other than to facilitate the movie's chase sequences, which is nothing if not weak substantiation) if he's such a loser and a dork? Why is he into boring old Rene Russo, and why don't we get to see the weird shit he complains about her not doing when they're alone in her apartment? The whole movie just comes off as underdone, like an idea stuck in the process of development; none of this is complete, none of it has happened, none of it is real. And the way he just waltzes in and out of crime situations, if not crime scenes, is just bullshit...

A Most Wanted Man
½

An excellent film. I'm sad to see Phillip Seymour Hoffman go, but comforted by the fact that he went out with a huge bang.

Snowpiercer
Snowpiercer(2014)

This is about as pointless as a movie can be these days: all visual, nothing cerebral. Watching this movie is like eating piece after piece of the sweetest candy you've ever had, before the stomach ache kicks in you just want it to stop.

Mask
Mask(1985)

Pure enjoyment, excellent film.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Snooze-fest, couldn't finish it.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Good, not great, but definitely entertaining.

Jerry Maguire

It's a feel good flick, but I've always been a Crowe fan and this one doesn't disappoint. Even Renee Zellweger is tolerable, and Cuba acts his one-dimensional ass off. However, uber-dick points for Jay Mohr, because Bob Sugar could never have been played better by any actor, living or dead, at any time in human history. My only complaint is that he didn't get more screen time.

Noah
Noah(2014)

I knew it was going to be bad, but not quite this bad. What a piece of shit.

Blue Ruin
Blue Ruin(2014)
½

Nothing wasted and very little embellishment aside from the cinematography, which is very good. A clean, simple, and powerful story that speaks clearly and delivers on all promises made. This is just an excellent and highly entertaining film.

Watermark
Watermark(2014)
½

Visually spectacular in every way film should essentially be. If every documentary was this well shot every documentary would be at least a near masterpiece. You might think a film about water would be dull. You might think that, but you'd be very incorrect. This is simply an excellent documentary.

Bad Words
Bad Words(2014)
½

Very surprisingly very good.

The Monuments Men

There just isn't enough here for a movie. It starts off like a team effort and then the team immediately dissolves leaving the script to make a bunch of individuals more than the sum of their parts. They aren't, it doesn't, and the movie fails...

Escape from New York

Not as good as Big Trouble in Little China in my opinion, but still a fun way to spend a Saturday night plus beers...

Big Trouble in Little China

The single most entertaining film ever made, bar none.

Bullitt
Bullitt(1968)

I guess maybe it was too built up for me, but this movie was a bit of a let down. The car chase scene was good, but the overall plot of the movie was really dull and didn't seem to go anywhere. Also, Steve McQueen may have been the king of cool but he was the dog shit of acting...

Philomena
Philomena(2013)

Great film, lots of product placement for Guinness, but a great film nonetheless.

Ender's Game
Ender's Game(2013)

A steaming turd would be more interesting to watch...

Oldboy
Oldboy(2013)

To say that this movie was a tenth as good as the original is an insult to that masterpiece. It starts out decently well enough, takes a bit of license where appropriate, does essentially nothing to build any of the characters other than Brolin's, and then jogs through the entire third act in about ten minutes. Spike Lee, you suck, and Sharlto Copley, you need to beg and plead for a District 9 sequel, because that's the only character you've managed to do right. This piece of shit is exactly what I was expecting it to me, a huge fucking waste of time and a disappointment of near vomit inducing proportions...

Inside Llewyn Davis

I guess it is what it is, but what it is just isn't all that much...

Lee Daniels' The Butler
½

This isn't great, but it's worth watching. I've never been a big fan of Whitaker, but he pulls of a decent enough performance. It's a shame, because there was probably more film here to be squeezed out of the proverbial movie cloth, but...

Gravity
Gravity(2013)

They should have killed off Bullock's character early and made a film around Clooney's; he might've been able to pull it off. If you want to watch a solid film about one person's struggle to survive in the face of overwhelmingly negative odds watch 12 Years a Slave or All is Lost, both of those kick the absolute balls off this movie. What the plot of Gravity brings to the screen is completely and totally outmatched by it's visuals. Like serving a pile of dog shit in a champagne glass, it just doesn't work.

Nebraska
Nebraska(2013)
½

I don't know why it needed to be filmed in black and white. I also didn't really get why they would cast Will Forte, but he manages to scrape together just enough charisma to do something with his character. Bruce Dern and June Squibb are excellent and the story is simply heartbreaking. What an excellent film!

12 Years a Slave

Wow, just wow. What a film. Brilliant performances and exquisitely executed. If this film doesn't win a pile of Oscars then the academy is filled with imbeciles. It took best film, damn right.

All Is Lost
All Is Lost(2013)

Carrying an entire feature length film by yourself with almost no dialogue is no easy feat, but Redford is clearly in a class of actors for whom such an achievement is possible. This is simply an excellent film.

Julien Donkey-Boy

Nearly unprecedented cinematically, and yes, (look down) Cole Smithey down below is quite right: it could make you physically ill. However, one of the most important lessons I learned in film school is that simply because a film is difficult to watch or very disturbing doesn't make that film a bad film. Some of the greatest art that's ever been made has been remarkably controversial or even condemned as downright disgusting before people really understood what that art represents or wants to say. See how (look up) the audience percentage is more than double that of the critics? Sometimes the aficionados get it right and dictate to the people something that they don't want to hear: that the film they love is shit. Sometimes the people know better: that the film is brilliant. This film falls in the latter category, it's disturbing, but it's excellent.

The Wolf of Wall Street

Far and away the best film Scorsese has made in a long time.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
½

A little disappointing to be honest, but I guess when you turn one sort of okay book into three long movies you get what you deserve...

Her
Her(2013)

Easily the best film I've seen in five years, but it won't win an Oscar because the academy doesn't give "prestigious" awards to scifi films. Not that this film is scifi, but that's the excuse they'll use to overlook what is a beautiful and incredibly imaginative exploration of human desire and emotion.

No Country for Old Men

Javier Bardem plays easily the scariest character ever created. He is simply pure evil. He's so fucking bad ass the film doesn't even include his show down with Brolin. Brilliant film.

Blood Simple
Blood Simple(1984)

One of the most startlingly superb pieces of modern cinema. Films like this are made about once every decade or so. This is far and away easily the best film the Coen brothers ever made. The characters are spooky in their vivid texture of realness and the story, while ultimately simple, is brilliantly executed. I've seen this film no less than twenty times, and every time I watch it is like the first time all over again. Cinematic perfection.

The Wolverine

All the predictable this and that you'd expect from a movie like this. Entertaining with all the action blah blah blah, but don't get your hopes up too high.

Restrepo
Restrepo(2010)

Excellently real and truly sad. The real face of war, minus the bullshit glory, minus the American propaganda machine, and eventually minus the bullshit bravado of young soldiers itching to shoot some shit up in combat. This is war, in all it's ugly brutal truth. Don't watch this film if you want to agree with fighting ... any war. Watch this film and let war disgust you, to your core.

Dallas Buyers Club
½

Incredibly interesting and tragically painful story, fantastic performances, excellent film.

Don Jon
Don Jon(2013)
½

It gets a little repetitive, but that's actually part of its charm. Scarlett Johansson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt give performances that make this film more than worth watching. Julianne Moore being cast in this film doesn't really make sense, but I guess you could say that Tony Danza makes up for it, he's great. This isn't a great film, but it's entertaining and very watchable.

Pieta
Pieta(2013)

One of the least necessary movies ever made, because while it has so much to say it trades that for spectacle and a complete lack of cinematic style. I hate few movies, but this one makes the list.

American Hustle

This is a really good film, but as I've said before in other reviews I'm afraid that this is the sort of film against which real cinematic greatness will now be measured. For 2013 this is a solid film, but for 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, or even the 70s in which the film was set, it just wouldn't hold up. That said, the performances are really good. Christian Bale is excellent, as are Jeremy Renner, and to just a slightly lesser extent Amy Adams who looks as if she were assembled bodily to play a sexy seventies chick. Bradley Cooper does his best with what he brings to the film business, which isn't much, but he's still entertaining. I basically can't stand Jennifer Lawrence, so it's good that she gets the least screen time of the major characters, but as hers is designed to be the most annoying woman who's ever lived, she pulls it off with ease. This is a good film, but it's simply lacking that final greatness that so many of today's better films just can't seem to locate. It's a shame, but American cinema is essentially all but dead with films like this as it's swansong...

Threesome
Threesome(1994)

It wasn't great, but I liked it...

Cocktail
Cocktail(1988)
½

5%? Are you fucking kidding me? This film is great! It's got everything (with the notable exception of a decent shot of Elizabeth Shue's chest, vis-a-vis Leaving Las Vegas). Bryan Brown is completely shitfaced through the entire movie, plus it's got uber-psycho hottie, Gina Gershon going nuts, Ron Dean as Uncle Pat for standard drunk Irishmen humor, and even Bobby McFerrin on the soundtrack. Balls on your 5%, check the audience rating: 60%, hell's yeah.

Grown Ups 2
Grown Ups 2(2013)

Horrifyingly bad and remarkably difficult to watch.

Blackfish
Blackfish(2013)

What an excellent and disturbingly motivating film.

Captain Phillips
½

A solidly entertaining film, which seems to be all you need to make these days for it to be a blockbuster. This is not a great film, but it's quite good and certainly worth watching.

Step Brothers
½

How this has a lower rating than Talladega Nights, I will never understand, as it's almost as funny as Anchorman, and funnier than basically everything else either Ferrell or Reilly have done.

Anchorman - The Legend Of Ron Burgundy
½

Stepbrothers was decent, but this is Ferrell at the top of his game. Unfortunately, never again will he make a film as crazily hysterical and rampantly insane as this one. It's too bad; it's the death of a titan.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

This just might be Will Ferrell's least funny movie.

The Internship

The scene with Will Ferrell is by far the funniest. Most of the rest isn't all that great, but it has its funny moments. I'm just wondering how much Google dropped to be the company they work for...

Valley Girl
Valley Girl(1983)

One of my all time favorite throw away teen comedies. It's not as funny as Sixteen Candles or Weird Science, and not as important as the Breakfast Club or Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but it's every bit the great 80's flick.

Signs
Signs(2002)

Fuck, what a piece of dog shit.

This Is the End

Almost as dumb as you would expect it to be from reading the treatment below, but not nearly as funny. And who gives a fuck about Jay Baruchel?

The American
The American(2010)

Pretty dull and predictable.

Better Off Dead
½

The odder side of solid 80's comedy.

Behind the Candelabra
½

Well scripted, acted, and directed. I'm no fan of Matt Damon, or Liberace for that matter, but this is an entertaining film about a very talented if very weird guy.

The East
The East(2013)

Trying really hard to be a good film and being a really good film are two very different things.

The Parallax View

Films like this are made maybe once or twice a decade. It's a rare treat and just a stunningly excellent film from the cinematography to the story. Hollywood hasn't made a film this good in a really long time.

World War Z
World War Z(2013)

I did such a good job of not finding anything out about this movie before I watched it that I neither knew it was about zombies nor how badly is sucked. What a boring piece of crap.

Chasing Ice
Chasing Ice(2012)

Tragic and sobering, yet filled with some of the most beautiful photography I have ever seen. What an excellent film.

Now You See Me

Basically just goes nowhere because all it wants to do is pull off the biggest end twist of all time. It's in there, but it's not all that great.

42
42(2013)

It certainly starts better than it ends, and it would have been a much stronger film if they'd just tried to make a good solid film. Instead what we get is a decent portrayal of Robinson breaking the baseball color barrier with the loudest sappiest faux triumphant music of all time. It's too bad because it's very clear that everyone involved poured their hearts into this production and it was ruined with crappy TV-style home-spun heart-felt bullshit victory music.

Mud
Mud(2013)
½

The best movie McConaughey's been in in a long time, but worthy of a 98% rating it very much is not.

Rushmore
Rushmore(1998)

Probably my least favorite Anderson film, but excellent none the less.

The Great Gatsby

All the schmaltzy poo I'd expect from a film based on a trite novel written by such a hack, but did the music really need to be quite that bad? What a waste of a waste...

A Band Called Death

An excellent documentary for any music fan, except if you listen to Barry Manilow.

Before Midnight

The first one was better, a lot better.

Battlefield Earth

Before Dianetics Hubbard was a shitty scifi author who wrote some truly forgettable books. One of them unfortunately became a fucking terrible movie.

The Road
The Road(2009)

Only slightly more shocking than the pure horror of this film is the fact that it was actually made in today's crap industry of happy mickey mouse horseshit. Gripping, tragic, and quintessentially amazing, what a fucking great film!

Night Catches Us

Wow, this could have been better, but instead of developing a solid story the filmmakers seem to have wanted only to make a pseudo-artistic flop with poor dialogue and no direction. It's too bad, because it could have been great.

The Place Beyond The Pines

From the first third I thought I was just watching a motorcycle version of Drive, as Gosling isn't the most emotive or inspirational of actors, but this film is a lot more. For one it's about as unconventional as a mainstream American film could probably be today. It suffers from a serious lack of raw acting talent, but still manages to pull through with decent performances. The story is basically just honest and interesting and does a good job of holding your attention and evoking sympathy. This isn't a great film, but it's solid, entertaining, and imminently watchable, everything a good film should be.

Animal Kingdom

This isn't an easy film to watch, but that doesn't make it bad. Expect the unexpected and you will not be disappointed by the levels of depravity achieved by the lesser characters in this film.

The Terminator

Cameron apparently stole this idea from someone else, little surprise, as the movie is very entertaining. This is very decent eighties sci-fi, paralleled only by the Running Man or maybe Total Recall, both very decent Arnold vehicles.

Navy Seals
Navy Seals(1990)

Pretty un-fucking-believably bad.

Top Gun
Top Gun(1986)
½

I loved it when I was ten years old, but then I turned eleven. I wonder if a more successful piece of war pornography has ever been made to encourage young men to throw their lives away as cannon fodder (as if an enlisted soldier could become a fighter pilot ... in the navy). This is also probably the least necessary 3D movie ever made. Why not Titanic in 3D ... oh, that's right, shit.

Star Trek Into Darkness
½

Wow, that was excellent. It was even better than the last one, and the last one was damn good.

Star Trek: Insurrection

This film, in my opinion, is the most underrated of the first ten Star Trek movies. Sure the bad guys aren't as cool as the Borg and the ship is the same one from the previous film, but the story is pure Star Trek and the characters are very well utilized, except for Worf who is little more than comic relief...

Star Trek VI - The Undiscovered Country

This wasn't a great movie, but it was better than part 5 of the series.

Star Trek III - The Search for Spock

This wasn't nearly as good as Wrath of Khan, but it kicks the holy hell out of the Star Trek/Free Willy mash-up that was part 4 of the series (and don't even mention the literal turd that part 5 is).

Star Trek Generations

Killing Kirk didn't do much for the boredom this movie inspired. Like the first original Star Trek this one could have been a whole hell of a lot better. Data with emotions was pretty cool though...

Star Trek IV - The Voyage Home

You can really see how the budget for this one was a order of magnitude lower than the previous one, and the plot is just as weak to boot.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

They could have done a much better job. What they thought would twist people's heads off at the end of the film turned out to be little more than a mild titty-twister.

Star Trek: First Contact
½

This is the best of the Next Gen Star Trek films, easily, and without a doubt.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Easily the best of the original Star Trek films. Montalban as Khan is the ultimate scifi villain.

You Don't Mess With the Zohan

Sandler used to make much funnier films.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Not Burton's best, but damn close.

Dead Man
Dead Man(1995)

No description of this film could do it justice, just watch it.

Plagues & Pleasures on the Salton Sea

Weird in a good way, and it's narrated by John Waters: excellent.

Hairspray
Hairspray(1988)

John Waters' mainstream masterpiece.

Cry-Baby
Cry-Baby(1990)

I hate musicals, but this is an excellently hysterical film. John Waters is a genius.

The House I Live In

An excellent film exposing the utter stupidity behind and truly horrific consequences of the "war on drugs" in the United States, and the best documentary I've seen in years.

Curly Sue
Curly Sue(1991)

Every bit as dull as you should expect it to be.

Drive
Drive(2011)

I definitely liked this a lot more the second time around. Gosling didn't seem to have much more going for him than does Ryan "punchline drops like a cement turd" Reynolds or even Josh "he who is without facial nerves and muscles" Hartnett, but he delivers a solid performance in this quite understated film. Don't get me wrong, the violence is in NO way understated, but basically everything else is. The dialogue is rather impotent, but it works. The characters are a bit underdeveloped, but again it works. There is whole entire first chapter that isn't included, but finally it fucking works. This is a really good film on so many levels, and the music is excellent.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

Steve Carell can't carry a lead, and putting him in front of Steve Buscemi is a crime. Jim Carrey, James Gandolfini, and Alan Arkin are great, but Carell just can't pull this off. Plus, the script is dumb and most of the jokes are boring.

A Place at the Table

Shame on America for taking so much from those who have so little to subsidize corporations that pay their those same people nothing. America is top heavy with money and greed: an unsustainable situation.

It's a Disaster

Considering the subject material it's hard to expect much, so while it's described as, "a clever black comedy," above, it's pretty dumb all the way around and light charcoal at best in terms of its darkness.

Five Easy Pieces

It would difficult to find another film that pulled less punches.

The Fifth Element

Everything a good light scifi flick should be, fun, just silly enough, jam-packed with explosions, and brimming with good everything else: excellent cinematography, great special effects, fantastic music, amazing sets, fucking weird costumes, and even a Luke Perry cameo for your girlfriend to enjoy! This film is great all the way around and pure enjoyment to watch.

Promised Land
½

A couple of laughs, another couple of cheap jokes, a couple of heartstrings tugged at, and ultimately this is just propaganda for the anti-fracking lobby. I'd be pissed off if I didn't agree with them, both about the fact that fracking is disgustingly environmentally destructive and that you have to hit people over the head with nonsense like this to get their attention. In all honesty this kind of tripe tells me more about the level of intelligence, or perceived lack thereof, of the average American than anything else. Again, I'd be really pissed off if I didn't sort of agree with them, but that doesn't change the fact that this movie is the same kind of tripe that's being served up by the natural gas industry lobby. In the end I guess what we can take away from this situation is that fracking is bad, fracking companies that fool people into decimating their land are evil, and that to fight that sort of evil you have to become the exact type of evil you are fighting against.

John Dies at the End

One of the oddest films I've seen in a long time. Enjoy.

Captain America: The First Avenger

It wasn't as good as the Avengers, but it was a lot of fun.

Killing Them Softly

At first I thought that it might have been my low hopes or unfamiliarity with the film that made it so good, but no, that wasn't it at all. The dialogue, the characters, the way the film is put together so fucking well, those are the reasons why this film is so excellent. There just isn't a weak or dumb or wasted moment, there is only a really really good film.

Iron Man 3
Iron Man 3(2013)

Every bit as entertaining as I assumed it was going to be, so while I wasn't let down I wasn't exactly awed out of my chair. Not to say that that makes this a disappointing movie, I mean it could have been better, but it could've been a hell of a lot worse.

The Central Park Five
½

Everything a documentary should be, informative, interesting, but not much more than that. It's a good documentary but not a great one.

Fargo
Fargo(1996)

This is a very good film, but it's not the brilliant masterpiece it's made out to be, and the Coen brothers have made better films (Blood SImple, anyone?).

Memories of Murder

This would've been a much better movie had it not been a taekwondo vehicle for that one guy to keep kicking everyone.

Sympathy for Lady Vengeance

Not even a tenth what Oldboy was and still is.

Kon Tiki
Kon Tiki(2013)

Entertaining and interesting, but it could've done a lot more.

Gangster Squad

It wasn't as good as L.A. Confidential, but it was still an entertaining movie. Ryan Gosling couldn't act his way out of a paper bag and Emma Stone is pretty incredibly boring but Sean Penn, Josh Brolin, and even Nick Nolte do a great job in this one.

Hyde Park on Hudson

This doesn't really seem to go much of anywhere, but the ride is at least fun. Bill Murray as Roosevelt doesn't disappoint, and Laura Linney even manages to be decently interesting. Sanuel West and Olivia Colman exude a charm that makes their screen relationship more than enjoyable and add a lot to a film which largely isn't all that interesting otherwise. This is fun, but mostly so long as you don't get your hopes up too high.

Oldboy
Oldboy(2005)

Easily the best film to ever come out of South Korea (or North Korea for that matter...).

The Last Boy Scout

This is not a good movie, but it's a damn fun movie. It's very entertaining, filled with amazingly hysterical one-liners, and has more explosions than a morning after mountains of Indian food. How can it get much better than a dirt bag P.I. and a gambling junkie junkie ex-pro football star teaming up to solve Hallie Berry's murder? Just a lot of fun all the way around.

Smashed
Smashed(2012)

When you make a movie about a bunch of drunks the actors should either be able to act while drunk, or be able to successfully act drunk without drinking, but unfortunately Mary Winstead can't seem to do either. Aside from that dull performances, characters with all the depth of a kiddie pool, and a less than interesting story which fumbles from one predictable development to the next make for a weak and largely uninteresting movie. There just isn't enough here to even constitute a movie, aside from all the dumb music montage cliches Hollywood is so "good" at replacing actual drama with...

Skyfall
Skyfall(2012)

First of all, I'm aware of the consensus opinion that the straight man who is not a Bond fan is the exception, not the rule, but regardless I've never really enjoyed 007 movies. Maybe because I didn't see the original Connery flicks back when they were made, or because I just didn't get sympathizing with him I found the Bond flicks I did see rather silly for the most part (Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan were mediocre attempts at living up to Connery and to a slightly lesser degree Moore anyhow). However, like me, Skyfall appears to be the exception encapsulated in a very entertaining testosterone heavy essential reboot story of the original Bond equation, complete with a new male M (the female M oddity seems to have run out of being useful, it was kooky, it was different, and now it's gone), new young Q, and even a new sexy black girl playing Moneypenny! You don't have to watch all that closely to see parallels the scriptwriters threw in with other films of the successful action drama (the drinking scene is just different enough from Raiders of the Lost Ark to be arguably original, but the Alfred-esque caretaker via Batman was pretty bad...), and you'd have to be blind or an idiot to miss the other Bond throw-back nods, but as they manage to land without being flat and dumb and come off as playful at worst and just cool as best. Which brings us to Javier Bardem who in my estimation is probably the most overlooked and underrated actor in Hollywood today. He isn't exactly evil incarnate like in No Country for Old Men, but he does constitute a very good balance of cunning ability and aloofness to make for a very good Bond villain. This was just a very solid and highly watchable film all the way around. Sam Mendes has finally made another good film, so enjoy.

Young Guns II

Christian Slater jumps on board for a completely unnecessary paycheck sequel to the decently interesting first installment. Then literally everyone dies...

True Romance
True Romance(1993)

Back before Quentin Tarantino had an ego the size of a Chrysler he actually wrote really good films. It's probably better that he didn't direct this one. Brad Pitt is fucking hysterical and the Hopper vs. Walken scene is brilliant. "You're part ... eggplant."

Second Sight
Second Sight(1989)

Every bit as terrible as you think it is.

Madhouse
Madhouse(1990)

Like the worst television sitcom turned into a really dumb movie about a bunch of people who never leave, and then Kirstie Alley's shirt bursts open for no reason at the end.

Mea Maxima Culpa: Silence In The House Of God

A look at the horrific way in which sex crimes are hidden in and the guilty protected by the catholic church, and a simply excellent documentary.

Cowboys & Aliens

If it didn't take itself so ridiculously seriously this might have made for a half-way decent scifi/western crossover, but it's too long, goes no where, all the solid actors are completely wasted (especially Sam Rockwell), and it's ultimately just a lot more dumb than interesting. Harrison Ford hasn't made a solid film since the 90s and this waste of time does nothing to end that streak.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower
½

I expected the worst and was actually very pleasantly surprised by this film. There are some plot elements that don't really go anywhere and the cameos, especially by Joan Cusack, are kind of worthless. However, the characters are really believable and their lives aren't fake like those of the typically throw away high school flick. Like the poster says, this is a graceful modern portrait of American youth with a depth and feel that all too lacking in Hollywood pictures these days.

Black Swan
Black Swan(2010)

Barely watchable and I've tried three times to get all the way through it. I've got no idea where this 87% (it's going down!) approval rating is coming from; the sex scenes? They're too short. This is the cinematic equivalent of the Velvet Underground's eponymous "Andy Warhol" album, everyone says it's great, but no one actually has a fucking clue why. Pretending to understand and enjoy something because everyone else says it's great is a lame lesson in conformity.

The Game
The Game(1997)

I went to film school with a guy named Andrew who said this was his favorite film of all time. He was a smart guy, but he was still wrong about this one. As far as Douglas flicks go, Wall Street is the Sistine Chapel in comparison, and even Basic Instinct, Douglas's Showgirls for my money, rates higher in my book than this. And it wasn't directing that got the job done, because Verhoeven made both Basic Instinct and Showgirls, in that order, back to back. Why was Sean Penn in this movie, when he does ... nothing ... whatsoever? I guess he was just thrown in to up the box office pull. What a dumb movie...

Green Street Hooligans

This is no great art house film, but it's entertaining. I was wondering what Elijah Wood would do when the Lord of the Rings train finally pulled into the "Return of the King DVD commentary is done" station. Little did I suspect he would do a film about a bunch of thugs beating the shit out of each other over something as dumb and irrelevant as soccer. The plot is decently predictable, but the characters feel reasonably authentic, and the film is packing with as much fighting as you'd expect from a film based around, well ... fighting.

Ray
Ray(2004)

When I found out that Jamie Foxx had been cast as Ray Charles I threw up in my mouth a little; all I remembered of him was that he was a latter day In Living Color cast member who did little even for that great show. Then I watched this film, and was surprised by the strength of his performance, waited for him to do nearly anything else with even a tenth the depth, and basically I'm still waiting. This is a great film with a great story and absolutely excellent music. My only beef is with Regina King, who seems to be involved in every film project that has anything to do with African American culture in any way. She is dull, but this film is great.

Crazy Heart
Crazy Heart(2009)

Jeff Bridges is capable of so much as an actor as we've seen from films like The Big Lebowski and the remake of True Grit (shit, I'm even a fan of the original Tron and thought even the sequel was watchable...), but he really outdoes himself in this film. Basically everything from story to directing to performance comes together to produce what is really an outstanding film. Enjoy.

The Wrestler
The Wrestler(2008)

I hate Mickey Rourke with a passion. That having been said, this is a tremendous film from a guy who typically just blows up and acts like a dickhead.

The Pursuit of Happyness

For a thankfully brief period in the first decade of the 21st century Will Smith (actor extraordinaire, right?) decided that he wanted to push past being a second rate hip-hop "artist" come goofy comedy TV show actor come action flick paycheck cash-in bogus "star" and be a dramatic actor. During that time he made a pile of shit and one good film. This is it.

I Am Sam
I Am Sam(2001)

This film goes to show you that often critics lose their humanity and writhe in puddles of their own egotistical nonsense. This is a great film with a brilliant performance by Sean Penn (who broke the rules and went full retard). I wouldn't put it up there with Rain Man, but this is still a great film. Michelle Pfeiffer wishes every film she was in was like this, and Dakota Fanning is cute enough to get away with playing the same role she played in every film she did as a child: the little girl who's too smart for her own good.

Pi
Pi(1998)

What's this movie about? Who knows, and it's too dumb to make it worth finding out. Also Aronofsky is a butthead whose movies are crap.

Wall Street
Wall Street(1987)
½

I've never been the biggest Stone fan, but this really is quite a succinct and fitting portrait of what 80's business and trading were like, and a delicious condemnation of the decadence and greed of the 1980's and as such a very accurate portrait of that decade. When a film is this good at taking a snapshot of "life" at a particular moment in social history, we don't muck around bitching about the details, we just lean back and enjoy. Charlie Sheen's inability as an actor is just charming enough to come off as a "lack of polish" or experience and is more than made up for by the twin giants of his father, Martin Sheen, and the only slightly less talented Michael Douglas, in his signature performance by the way as Gordon Gekko (the biggest character name risk ever taken in a big budget film, which led inevitably to the biggest score...). This is just a very entertaining film, and that is just that.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
½

A shadow of the first one, but still worth watching if you're a Gordon Gekko fan. Writting Brolin's character in to take the blame for Gekko being in the cooler for so long is dumb, but Brolin's acting more than makes up for it. The real disappointments here are Shia LaBeouf (who will never be truly great actor) and Carey Mulligan (who only seems to be able to play characters who are two seconds away from busting out crying) and their "relationship;" it's about as flat and boring as Mulligan's chest. Susan Sarandon is basically wasted as a sidelined nothing morality-tale character who doesn't do anything until she decides to do even less. If it was Stone's intention to tackle the financial crisis as the contemporary failure and shame of Wall Street (like the original browbeating the same for the greed of the 80s), his message falls far short of just goofing around with characters he obviously enjoys goofing around with (there's even a decently funny Charlie Sheen cameo). Also, David Byrne should have stopped writing (or at least recording and releasing) music about twenty years ago, his music for this film is torturous to say the least.

Slumdog Millionaire

This just might be the most over-hyped, overrated, disappointingly simple and ultimately boring movie ever made. How this travesty, with a plot that unfolds as mechanically and predictably as a circa 1970s hide-a-bed and leaves you every bit as disappointed when you wake up (no, I didn't fall asleep during Slumdog, but I should have), ever won the Oscar for best picture I'll never be able to fathom (this film is better than Milk or Frost/Nixon? no, it isn't), but hey, they gave it to Forrest fucking Gump over The Shawshank Redemption, too. The location shooting is the only thing this snooze-a-thon has going for itself. The performances are weak. The story is dumb. The movie sucks.

Heat
Heat(1995)
½

Way back before bullshit knock-offs (the Town) starring fifty cent actors like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, Hollywood was turning out excellent action thrillers like this one. Even the inclusion of Val Kilmer, a pretty seriously consistent movie ruiner, does little to sap the grit and power of this film. Pacino as cop and DeNiro as crook sit down and talk about killing one another, it's just that good. Skip "the Town" and watch this film instead. Honorable mention to Voight who is excellent, and to William Fichtner, who's about as underrated as an actor can be these days.

The Town
The Town(2010)

A poor man's Heat, minus DeNiro and Pacino. Even Val Kilmer did more in that film than Ben Affleck can do in basically any project he's ever been involved with. Jeremy Renner is completely wasted. Ignore the high rating and watch Heat (or even Point Break) instead, this movie is largely a waste of time better spent watching something a lot better.

Man on Fire
Man on Fire(2004)
½

Denzel shows us the full range of his depth and standing ankle deep in a puddle of shit we realize he makes really stinkers most of the time. Remember Fallen?

The Last Samurai

Reading Shogun is a better idea...

The Crow
The Crow(1994)

I liked this when I was in high school, so I decided to watch it again a year ago or so. It's not as great as I remember...

The Prestige
The Prestige(2006)

A very entertaining film all the way around. Bowie as Tesla is fucking tits.

Ghost Dog - The Way of the Samurai

This always looked really dumb to me, then I gave it a try and realized I was right.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
½

They cut the Tom Bombadil portion of the book, excellent idea. Everything else about this film is simply superb.

Apocalypto
Apocalypto(2006)

I guess I have reasonably high standards for film, like if you make a movie about something vaguely historic it can't be 100% obvious that the movie has no connection with reality whatsoever. It's hard to imagine a worse movie about native American civilization being made, this is just truly, absolutely, and finally complete shit.

The Transporter

About as dumb as a movie can be and still be a movie.

Minority Report

It just makes no sense whatsoever to me that a movie this bad can have such a high rating. Spielberg spends the first half of this embarrassment painfully over-explaining everything he thinks only he has the intellect to understand and then when it comes down to it all of the time elements end up paradoxes that wouldn't actually work. This movie is first class, a first class waste of time, and total Tom on Steve stroke-off vehicle.

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior

Great post-apocalyptic, shoot-em-up, crazy car crash fun. Back before Gibson found "god" and turned into a complete loser, even before he sold his soul for all those needless Lethal Weapon sequels, he actually made highly entertaining, genuinely fucked up, awesome post-apocalyptic action films. Just look at the names of the characters in this movie: Lord Humungus, Feral Child, Curmudgeon, Toadie? How can this not kick fucking ass? Answer: it kicks fucking ass.

Twister
Twister(1996)

Helen Hunt was popular for a while, and during that time she made one really great film (As Good As It Gets) and a pile of shit ones; this one is obviously in the latter category along with Cast Away, What Women Want, and Pay It Forward.

Volcano
Volcano(1997)

One of the lamest attempts at a disaster flick ever made, and a complete waste of time unless you're five years old. Why Don Cheadle agreed to do this I will never understand...

Deep Impact
Deep Impact(1998)

Robert Duvall wastes time making a little extra scratch in this bullshit Armageddon clone. I think the studio released it early to get the jump on what they knew would be the big summer blockbuster that year, but that does nothing to make this travesty more watchable. It's just crap, in movie form.

Moon
Moon(2009)

Kevin Spacey plays a robot, a fucking robot. That's cooler than 99% of entire film scripts/plots these days. It's got Sam Rockwell, too? Fuck, that's awesome. I'm not saying anything more about this film but that you should watch it, tonight.

Alien Resurrection
½

Fuck me, enough already. Despite earned low expectations Jeunet pulls a rabbit out of a bucket of shit and comes up with a half-way decent Alien flick. The supporting cast members (especially Ron Perlman who is a great performer, but especially not Ramond Cruz who is a piece of acting dogshit) are very watchable, but like the third installment this movie just doesn't go anywhere. The water scene was a gamble that didn't pay off and everything after it is just dumb. Why does Winona need to be a android? I mean it's an interesting idea, but what does the story do with it? Nothing...

Alien3
Alien3(1992)

A pathetic and misguided half-assed attempt at something that really doesn't go anywhere or do anything. The sets are pretty cool, but everything else is shit. Charles S. Dutton was cast because of the contemporary popularity of his bullshit TV show, but let's not forget that aside from being a shit actor, he's a convicted murderer (enough to make me boycott his movies). Ripley's relationship with the convict/doctor guy is other thing that's reasonably interesting, but like I said this movie goes nowhere except to act as the end of the larger story (and then they cloned a new Ripley for part 4, fuck me, enough already...).

Alien
Alien(1979)
½

Genuinely terrifying and great even after all these ... decades. This film set the bar for the very underrepresented scifi/horror sub-genre so high that few directors have even tried to match its greatness, and with good reason. Not even its own sequels have been able to come close to this greatness.

Aliens
Aliens(1986)
½

Evil corporate Paul Reiser is about the only reason to watch what is essentially an attempt to make money off of a very solid first outing. When you put kids (or a kid in the case of this one) in a movie obviously made for an adult market you end up with unnecessary characters. The little girl adds nothing to this movie but some simple explanation that could have been developed with a video log entry or just some gnarly blood all over the walls. It does a good job of trying, and some of the lines are downright funny, but ultimately Aliens is the lesser of the first two and best two Alien films.

Predator
Predator(1987)
½

A very entertaining addition to the 80s/90s action/scifi genre which includes other greats such as The Terminator, Total Recall, and The Running Man (and even The Fifth Element and Demolition Man if you want to get really technical). One-liners aplenty and explosions galore...

Live Free or Die Hard

There were some solid moments in this, like basically everything with Kevin Smith, but most of this monstrosity didn't ever need to see the light of day. The first was far better, and even the second was marginally more entertaining in a leftover 80's action kind of way. Let's just hope they don't make a fifth one, yikes... (When I wrote this review I didn't know a fifth Die Hard was going to be made; I cringe.)

Die Hard 2
Die Hard 2(1990)
½

This isn't as bad as a lot of other 80s/90s sequels which functioned singularly to bank off the success of the first film, but that doesn't mean it's all that great either. Rehashing the first film's most memorable lines along with coming up for reasons for minor characters to make token appearances really subtracts from what's not all that great a story in the first place. You could probably watch the first one twice and be more entertained...

Die Hard
Die Hard(1988)
½

Holy crap did this series flush itself down the crapper quick. Fortunately they made a pretty decent one first, and it's good because it's based on a novel and all the action takes place in a confined, enclosed space. There's very little like the pressure being trapped creates to raise the tension and excitement of a film.

The Beach
The Beach(2000)

The book was nothing if not very entertaining. The movie leaves out the most interesting character. A worse adaptation of a book would be very difficult to find; this one (along with his snubbing of the Oscars) nearly killed DiCaprio's career.

Grizzly Man
Grizzly Man(2005)

This is a brilliantly executed film about a man who was a mental zero on the best of days. Herzog is a genius. Timothy Treadwell was a moron who inevitably allowed an obsession to end his life, though not as largely tragically as it was just kind of dumb and avoidable.

West of Memphis

Initially I didn't assume that there would be much material included in this film that wasn't in any of the three "Paradise Lost" documentaries, but I was wrong. That trilogy of films has perhaps a lot more to say, or uses a lot more material to say it, but this is still a very comprehensive and complete picture of the entire West Memphis Three story. Aside from that, it's just a very well made documentary about a fascinating and tragic miscarriage of justice. Plus, Eddie Vedder's in it, so it's got to be good, right?

Hitchcock
Hitchcock(2012)

An obvious must see for any Hitchcock fan or really anyone who fancies him or herself a lover of cinema if for no other reason than the simple historical importance of the document. The performances are stellar all the way around, and capped off by Anthony Hopkins' brilliant portrayal of Hitchcock himself. I've read the negative reviews and it seems to me that all the critics who panned it set this film up to give them something that the film simply couldn't end up being: their own silly little idea of a Psycho-esque reality show. If they would shut their stupid faces and just enjoy the film they would realize that there isn't anything wrong with it outside of their own heads, because ultimately none of them is making the same criticisms; they're just flapping their mouths and all the while saying exactly nothing. They're a bunch of morons, and this is a great film.

Bully
Bully(2012)

This is an excellent documentary which every child from about fifth grade through to twelfth should be sat in front of to watch on at least an annual basis. Bullying is nothing new, but kids committing suicide because of bullying should have no part in our world. It's every bit as disgusting as this film is excellent.

The Sessions
The Sessions(2012)

Very few films are quite this nuanced, and able to pull it off with such grace and precision. There is little I can say other than this is just simply an excellent film; you need to watch it to really understand its painful beauty.

Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

Every bit as dumb as you could possibly expect. Mira Sorvino is a pimple and Lisa Kudrow is vomiting through your nose. Even the genius of Janeane Garofalo is wasted on this exercise in virtual rectal cancer.

Premium Rush
Premium Rush(2012)

I'm not a bike messenger. No self-respecting bike messenger would likely watch this movie. It exploits a bullshit image of their lifestyle to make a lot of money for people who don't understand them, never will, and don't really care to. But this is still a very entertaining film. I enjoyed it and I'll likely watch it again, because it was better than a lot of other shit Hollywood is turning out these days, and because Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a great actor. Finally, holy christ is Michael Shannon an ugly fucker, great villain.

Hancock
Hancock(2008)

A great idea for a movie with a very solid beginning which very quickly became an absolutely superb plummeting turd failing to do anything whatsoever by about the middle of the second act. Why was Charlize Theron or her character even in this movie? Fuck you Jason Bateman. I'd rather watch a marathon of Family Ties episodes...

Sexy Beast
Sexy Beast(2000)

It may not have all the flash and "star power" (as if that's even something to be fucking concerned about with a film starring the guy who played GHANDI!!!) of Snatch or those other English gangster movies, but this film is fucking mustard.

Dances With Wolves

Kevin Costner peaked with this remarkable film.

Cast Away
Cast Away(2000)

Very easily Hanks' worst film by far, far worse than You've Got Mail. What would have been the most interesting part of the story is omitted: his coming to the decision to commit suicide. I can only assume it wasn't in the flick either because Hanks isn't actor enough to pull it off or Zemeckis couldn't direct it, but probably both. Watch Big or Joe Vs. The Volcano instead. Even Back to the Future I or II would allow you to get your Zemeckis vibe on with a solidly enjoyable movie. Cast Away is pure shit.

Flight
Flight(2012)

Especially after the opening sequence, I really wanted to like this movie, despite Denzel (probably one of the most overrated actors of all time, right up there with Tom "Cast Away is a piece of shit" Hanks). The story started strong; movies about pilots and aviation typically end with crashes, not begin with one. The characters right away were very honest and believable; John Goodman was in rare form, even for him. Then Zemeckis downshifted to his Scorsese blowing knees and dropped what seemed like about fifty Rolling Stones songs in a row. Then he fired up the fucking religious annoyance bullshit wagon of endless guilt. The stupid guy in the stairwell talking about religious destiny was annoying and did nothing for the plot whatsoever. The oh so holier than thou copilot that you want to like because he's young and easy to sympathize with, until you realize he's just an ignorant prick, was only vaguely purposeful. Did his wife really need to say, "praise jesus," that many times? When she kissed her crucifix I almost turned the movie off. And after wading through all that shit and a lot more (the romance angle is completely fucking pointless, a heroin addicted whore telling an alcoholic hero pilot that he needs help, are you fucking kidding me?), just when I thought the movie would end honest and strong, and I wouldn't have to sit through all of the most predictably dumb cliches, I did. Fuck you Rob, you haven't made a good flick since Back to the Future II.

Gladiator
Gladiator(2000)

Overrated, based as loosely as possible on fact, and overacted to beat the band. Russell Crowe gets plenty of chest-time in and very little else...

300
300(2007)

A lot of CGI and yelling/violence. If this is the future of the action genre, then count me out. I'd rather watch the Running Man and Total Recall on an infinite loop.

Sin City
Sin City(2005)

Blathering, pointless garbage, wish I could get my couple of bucks and hours back. Why the fuck would anyone try to make a fucking movie look like a fucking dumb-ass comic book? Fuck movies like this and fuck the people who think they're good.

Lucky Number Slevin

Josh Hartnett is like a slightly stale dog turd: a little smelly, expressionless to the point at which you wonder if he's still breathing, and ultimately irredeemably disappointing. This movie sucks, I couldn't finish it. Skip with extreme prejudice.

Black Hawk Down
½

Josh Hartnett sucks and Eric Bana has a bare chest fest, but this is still a gripping look at modern war. The Hurt Locker is better...

Good Morning, Vietnam

Robin Williams on coke is much funnier than Robin Williams not on coke. He was so fucking jacked up on this movie that they didn't write his radio gags for him, he just ad-libbed them. Very entertaining and quite funny; Bruno Kirby and J.T. Walsh give great supporting performances. "The VP's PC," too funny...

Air America
Air America(1990)

Mel Gibson isn't a great actor, and neither is Robert Downey Jr., but this is a pretty funny movie. That, and it's about the secret American war in Laos during the much more obvious Vietnam War. That alone makes it worth watching. I think they were going for a little Good Morning Vietnam vibe, and didn't really pull it off, but I thought it was decently funny/interesting.

Iron Eagle
Iron Eagle(1986)

Back when I was in elementary school there was little more than movies like this that could really promise me a great time. Now that I'm an adult I know much better.

Beetlejuice
Beetlejuice(1988)

This is Burton at his funny best. Far more weird than scary in the best way possible. Just an excellently entertaining film.

Twilight
Twilight(2008)

I gave into the hype and watched it. I wouldn't have missed much by missing it as it was altogether pretty dumb and ultimately very forgettable.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

One of the dumbest movies I've ever seen, and somehow they decided to make a TV show out of it. I guess the TV show was better, but I never felt the need to kill myself, so I didn't need to depress myself by watching it.

The Lost Boys

Everything a (good) bad 80s flick should have, plus vampires. This is easily the best of the Coreys flicks, though that's hardly a long/distinguished list of cinema excellence; it's more like a bunch of dumb titles scribbled in crayon on the back of a grease stained taco shop receipt. Anyway, I digress; the Lost Boys is actually a pretty fun movie...

The Outsiders

Considering that this movie was directed by Coppola it's a bit hard to believe how fucking horribly bad it is. "Stay golden, Pony Boy." Are you fucking kidding me? If this had been made in black and white seventy years ago I could forgive it its over the fucking top camp, but it was made in the 80s. Yikes. Pure shit.

The Next Karate Kid

Wow, just wow. If you want to see this movie just put a gun in your mouth and save yourself the pain.

The Karate Kid, Part III

Wholly unnecessary from beginning to end, with a horrifyingly awful script to boot. Pass the tranquilizers or the barf bag, which ever you prefer...

The Karate Kid Part II
½

They banked on making a little extra cash off the first one, and this probably seemed like the least uninteresting way to turn the original story on its head. Mr. Miyagi has troubling issues in his life, too; who'da thunk it?

The Karate Kid
½

Pat Morita is great, Ralph Macchio is okay, and all the guys with "y"s at the ends of their names are embarrassingly hysterical. The dialogue in this movie is so 80's it drives a Delorean, drinks Tab, and horks lines of blow. It's pretty difficult to dislike a movie you grew up loving, but let's be honest, this is no masterpiece of modern cinema. No one reading this review should not have already seen this movie, but if you haven't follow this advice: if you keep your expectations low and enjoy the camp value this movie will not disappoint.

Medicine Man
Medicine Man(1992)

This is a real stinker, even the zip-line scene isn't all that interesting...

A Beautiful Mind
½

Russell Crowe shows what he can do with a good script and competent directing. This is a very entertaining, if not just very good, film.

Good Will Hunting

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck made a great film and went on to acting (and directing for Affleck) careers full of movies which are much less than this one is.

Awakenings
Awakenings(1990)

I'm not one for uplifting heart-felt drama, but this is a very good film.

Trainspotting
½

Drug stories aren't typically all that interesting to me, but this is a very very good film.

The Godfather
½

What can I say? This is basically the quintessential gangster film, with all the terrifying, brutal violence, epic betrayal, and unquestioning loyalty that we've come to expect from the mob and their tales. There is simply not a single weak performance in this entire film. It's just brilliant.

Dog Day Afternoon

All actors, at one point or another in their careers, really had to show what they could bring to the table. Pacino gives a career defining performance in this brilliantly entertaining film. Watch it and if you're disappointed when it's over then you'll know you're an idiot.

The Insider
The Insider(1999)

It's very unfortunate, because this should have been a much better film than it ended up being. This is tremendously important subject matter, but the script just doesn't do anything and we're left with ... boredom.

Insomnia
Insomnia(2002)
½

Pure shit compared to the original, and Robin Williams is about as tough and scary as a bad guy as Big Bird could ever be. Do some more coke Rob, you were a lot more entertaining when you were whacked outta your head on blow...

Donnie Brasco
½

Al plays the aging dirtbag wise guy to perfection, probably even more so than Pesci ever did. Johnny Depp does a reasonably decent job of keeping up, but unfortunately the film is about him much more than Pacino, so we're left with a few brilliant scenes with Pacino and a lot of Michael Madsen being loud and other characters being dumb.

Serpico
Serpico(1973)
½

I walked into this film expecting the end-all be-all of cop movies, and didn't leave satisfied at all (I suppose it was built up quite a bit too much for me). This is solid film with a very decent story, but it's far from Pacino's best or even the top ten of cop flicks.

Scent of a Woman

Pacino used to make such amazing films. Despite Chris O'Donnell falling all over himself constantly through the entire film, his inability and ineptitude as an actor comes off as cute and immature, so it works. The final monologue is cinematic genius. Excellent.

The Clan of the Cave Bear

Not that the book was an amazing piece of literature, but this movie wasn't even close to a decent adaptation. I know it's not every day that someone makes a movie about a story which is little more than caveman porno, but they could've done at least a little better. Booger is totally wasted...

Glengarry Glen Ross

If all films were this good I would never be able to leave home. Pure, unadulterated, sheer brilliance from all parties involved. I'd have liked to see a little more Spacey, but this film was made way before he became the heavy-hitter he is today. Alec Baldwin's signature performance, bar none. Even Ed Harris, who is basically completely out of his league, is decently solid in this film (his smile as Baldwin's humiliating him is unparalleled, excellent). Arkin is fantastically uncomfortable and Jack Lemmon shows us what acting is all about, excellent. Pacino plays the egotistical prick he was born to, excellent. Too bad that Mamet's done absolutely nothing since...

RoboCop
RoboCop(1987)

80's dystopian violence porn at it's absolute acme. This stands in the pantheon surrounded by other such masterworks, of pre-dumb-only (Nick Cage) blow-up-travesties, as the Terminator, Total Recall, the Running Man, and even latecomer the Fifth Element. Watch the unrated version in all it's gruesome glory. "I work for Dick Jones, DICK JONES!"

Tiny Furniture

I have always had no patience for movies about New York people, especially those who feel that because they live in New York they are everything when actually they're just people ... who live in New York (that's what made Saturday Night Fever and Kids so fantastic, irreverence that cannot be faked). Aside from that, I read that this movie belonged to the mumblecore genre, which means nothing to me other than I guess that it's unscripted. I also read that the filmmaker, writer, and lead disputed this categorization over the fact that she'd written a script which had been very strictly followed. Around twenty minutes in I knew that she was telling the truth because the dialogue is so absurdly stilted and contrived and female-ideal (I guess women think this is real...) that it couldn't possibly be honest, which is what it seems Lena Dunham had really planned all along. She's a vapid, boring, untalented bag of gelatin, but she's smart enough to know that she's a piece of crap, so what she's done is written a goofy mash up of Garden State (complete with a dead hamster) and Reality Bites (complete with a fake Ethan Hawke), with all the awkward coming-of-age nonsense garnered and gleaned and gathered from every other cinema, writing, and/or stage production before, full of as many unstable o-so easy female cliches as possible (sexy younger sister anyone? going for the dick instead of the nice guy? dismissing the lesbian with the gender-ambiguous name?), and sold it off as some sort of portrait of the twenty-first century woman, when actually all this is is ... female masturbation. She's just "ironically failing desperately" to find what every woman has always wanted from the beginning of time and the feminist movement has been denying women actually need since the nineteen-sixties: validation, acceptance, and the tiniest bit of from-without sexual acknowledgement. We know your version of the perfect woman's life is to be as "real" (read: gross) as you are without upsetting your prince in plunging v-neck, while he remains as dreamy as can be, but Lena, please, you're a fucking transparent embarrassment. Obviously we all know women shit and sweat and live as much as the rest of us men, we just didn't want to believe that you understand us as little as you think we understand you (men don't wear socks to bed). So read the Feminine Mystique again and try to get a grip on your inabilities, whatever they might have taken form as or from, because while you may think you have the market on interesting instability cornered, you're not as special (in both connotations of the word) as you think you are. Also, stop taking yourself so seriously not-seriously seriously, it's not post-modern or ironic or even cool-cliche, it's just easy, and for the rest of us it's just boring. Your movie is boring because your life is boring because you are boring, the same as the rest of us. Wake up.ps - The deflating mattress scene was funny, but making yourself look attractive during only the final few seconds of your movie isn't honest.

Lars and the Real Girl
½

The worst things about this movie are the title and the poster, because they make it seem like this is a goofy movie about a guy who lives with a sex doll. It's actually a rather sad movie about a a very lonely man who's mentally disturbed enough to think that his sex doll is a real person. Despite the fact that I don't like Ryan Gosling as an actor all that much he delivers a very believable performance in this one. This isn't a great movie, but it's weird and interesting enough to be entertaining.

Kids
Kids(1995)

It's rare to find a film which despite being narrative based successfully pulls off the kind of realism that typically only a documentary can boast. This is such a film, and thus we are presented with the life of young teenagers living in New York in the mid-1990's, in all its dripping, surging reality. This is a truly excellent film, that pulls no punches and makes no easy shifts from difficult to simple. It's just real, and I suppose that means it is too real for everyone to like. Just because a film is unpleasant doesn't mean the film is not very very good. Life isn't easy, and maybe watching this film shouldn't be either.

Executive Decision

Why was Steven Seagal in this movie for like seven and half minutes? Because unlike Kurt Russell, Seagal can spot a shit script a mile away? Then explain ... all of Seagal's other movies. How the fuck does this have a 63% rating? I guess because dumb people like to watch shit blow up.

Stargate
Stargate(1994)
½

Half-assed performances and a half-assed script make for one thing: not a very good science fiction movie. If you are a huge scifi fan then watch it, but don't expect much. If you aren't a big scifi fan, watch Blade Runner or 2001 and become one...

2 Days in the Valley

Dumb and pointless, going nowhere for nearly two hours, please don't waste your life on bullshit like this pile of crap...

Lincoln
Lincoln(2012)

Easily one of the five best films I've seen in the last ten or even twenty years. We all knew Daniel Day-Lewis was a great actor, but holy shit is he amazing in this film. It had somehow escaped my attention that this film was directed by Spielberg, because I am anything but a fan of his, but he really outdid himself with this one. I really don't understand all the hype and hoopla surrounding Argo, and critics saying Lincoln isn't as solid a film. Those critics need to have their heads pulled out of their asses and examined. Every single character and performance in this film is spot on brilliant. I typically can't stand Sally Field, but wow, she really deserves an award for her performance. Tommy Lee Jones is amazing. Even the typically yawn-inspiring (some how always involved in weird sex flicks: the first Crash) James Spader gives a performance to die for. This film is gripping, incredibly entertaining, funny when it needs to be, bleak when it needs to be, and essentially just fucking fantastic.

Amadeus
Amadeus(1984)
½

This is just an excellent film with brilliant performances from every single one of the people involved. Tom Hulce did nothing before this film and has done nothing since (I guess he was in Stranger than Fiction, but I can't for the life of me remember who his character was in that great film...). F. Murray Abraham gives the performance of his career, easily. It's pure viewing enjoyment.

Barry Lyndon
Barry Lyndon(1975)
½

This film is an exercise in the employment of boredom and tedium, and anyone who says otherwise is trying to sound smarter than they are. This might be the dullest film you ever watch, but that's what it's trying to be, so it does a good job of it. Kubrick made better films however, so if you haven't seen Dr. Strangelove, Paths of Glory, or Full Metal Jacket, you might want to watch those first. If you really fall in love with Kubrick's film making, watch Eyes Wide Shut, and if you really enjoy it, then you should watch Barry Lyndon. Strap in for the long haul and keep the strong coffee handy...

A Clockwork Orange

I don't tend to enjoy films that are ridiculously violent just for the sake of being ridiculously violent, so this is far from my favorite Kubrick film. However, because Kubrick made it, it's simply very well made. Also, as an auteur I understand that he was trying to make a violence film. He did a great job, but this film just always rubbed me the wrong way. I've seen it, and now I can watch other things...

Traffic
Traffic(2000)
½

Soderbergh finally makes a really good film (there's a reason he won the Oscar for this film and not Erin Brockovich), with the help of brilliant performances by Douglas, Cheadle, and especially Benicio Del Toro who essentially steals the movie. Brilliant cinematography and a incredibly strong focus on color make this film beautiful at least, and breathtaking at most. Exceptionally interesting, relevant, and entertaining.

The Last King of Scotland

Whitaker does a fantastic job of being as weird as possible, without which he wouldn't have been able to pull off a performance as Idi Amin. It's kind of a waste making a historical film about a main character who never actually existed, but this film is pretty decently good despite that fact.

The Pianist
The Pianist(2002)

A million times the film Schindler's List is. Powerful, beautiful, and lacking all of Speilberg's heavy-handed, Oscar-grubbing, insipid nonsense. A beautifully painful and simple film about one man's struggle for survival in Warsaw during World War II, no more, no less. Also, Adrian Brody is a brilliant performer. Pure exellence.

Valkyrie
Valkyrie(2008)

First, I can't stand Tom "bat-shit-insane" Cruise, but this is about the best film he's made in at least a decade. That being the case it's easy to see that he couldn't have pulled this film off alone, the supporting actors and their characters are immensely interesting, and fill the film with enough emotion and punch to make Cruise's "acting" tolerable. They do a great job, while Cruise just sort of cruise-controls his way through the motions of the script. It's pretty hard to make a film about killing Hitler that people won't at least like a little, but this film is quite a bit better than that...

Flags of Our Fathers

Every bit as boring as Letter from Iwo Jima is fantastic. Skip this waste of time and watch the other film; thank me later...

Letters from Iwo Jima

This is such a better film than Flags of our Fathers, with a better script, more interesting characters, and a billion times the execution. I know that Eastwood wanted to tell the story from both sides, but this film is actually about the battle not the bullshit politics that should be written down in a history textbook somewhere and shelved for the boring tripe it is. History is important, but all history a good film does not make...

Saving Private Ryan

Tom "Big" Hanks and Matt "Very Forgettable" Damon star in the worst war movie to splash across your screen in quite a while. This film begins with an amazing introduction sequence worthy or Kubrick, Hitchcock, or even Welles and then degenerates into pure and utter tripe. I knew Hanks or Spielberg wouldn't be able to pull off a "grisly account" of World War Two. Tora Tora Tora, The Longest Day, The Thin Red Line, or Patton are all infinitely superior to this mole-hill of shite covered vomit. This is the worst "war movie" I have ever seen, bar none. Hanks should be imprisoned and Spielberg should be shot. Abysmal...

Tora! Tora! Tora!

An excellently realistic depiction of the attack on Pearl Harbor, as if that isn't enough for a film. I have no idea why the critics have so obviously lambasted this film, it's excellent. Maybe they just need to watch it again.

Pearl Harbor
Pearl Harbor(2001)

Every bit as shitty as you might expect, though the planes and stuff are cool to watch. Ignore the story, avoid the brain hemorrhage, and just watch Tora Tora Tora instead...

This Is England
½

It's impossible not to compare this film with American History X, but it's not set in the U.S., the story doesn't take place during the same time period, and the characters are completely different. That being the case it's nearly every bit as good as A.H.X.

American History X
½

Edward Norton really shows us what he's capable of in terms of his acting talent. Edward Furlong does a lot less. This represents to me an extraordinarily honest depiction of life in the LA of the late 90's. The ease with which an otherwise intelligent person can let himself slide into all the anger and frustration that racism provides a focused outlet for, the pain and torment of that person once he's realized how far he's ended up from where and who he wanted to be, and all of the horrific consequences involved are portrayed without any sugarcoating or wasted emotion. This is just an excellent and painful film.

Higher Learning

All the dramatic bleeding heart nonsense SIngleton fills his films with explodes like a gigantic stupidity festival; it's just too much for any of this to be even close to believable (how the fuck does he justify attacking racism and lesbianism?). This is not how young white men "become" racists; you have to learn how to hate like that over a long amount of time. I know that young people freshly arrived at college tend to be somewhat dumb and very impressionable, but give me a break, no one who's actually gotten in to college is as dumb as any of these characters...

Boyz n the Hood
½

I watched this film first in 1991 when it came out and I was a young dumb ass in my first year of high school and wanted to be "cool" more than absolutely anything in life. So I saw this film back in the day because that's what "cool" was, but what I didn't realize way back then was the way in which Singleton reversed-romanticized the gangsta lifestyle. I also didn't understand a lot of what Laurence Fishburne was talking about: gentrification, hints about Islam, and most of the material concerning racism. Plot-wise, a lot of the end of the story is just a little too easy, and essentially designed to pull at your heartstrings as much as possible. Honestly, when a studio and director set out to make a film about a lifestyle or particular segment of society, it's essentially impossible to ensure the film is perfectly accurate. I'm not saying that the scenarios depicted in this film are inaccurate, but they all happen a little to quickly and with a little too much dramatic flavor to be completely believable. That being the case, like I hinted at the beginning of this review, I didn't grow up in the hood. If you really want to know what it's like in the hood you should go there, barring that watch a documentary about life in the hood. This, along with Menace II Society, is basically your third option, but that doesn't mean that these films aren't well made with highly developed characters, strong performances, and great stories.

Menace II Society
½

It always seemed to me that this film was just riding on the coattails of Boyz n the Hood, but this film still presents a good story with strong performances from basically one unknown lead actor (Lawson), one whose career never really got off the ground (Tate), and a bunch of famous people who are very minor characters (Pinkett and Jackson). The simple fact that these actors were relatively unknown means that they work harder and their performances are that much stronger than if they were stars. Like Boyz n the Hood this films ends up pulling at your heartstrings are hard as possible, but that doesn't mean that the life it's trying to depict isn't this tragic. If you really want to know what life is like in the hood you should go there or watch a good documentary. This film, like Boyz n the Hood, represents a solid third choice. This isn't reality, but it's likely damn close...

Scarface
Scarface(1983)

Highly entertaining, but I still don't get why all those rap guys idolize Tony Montana so much. Sure he was a bad-ass, but what goes up must come down. Tony just comes down with a mountain of coke on his desk. His over-the-top characterization and the feel of the sets and secondary performances really act to date this film, but what can you really expect from an epic written by Oliver Stone? This is fun to watch, but ultimately it's just a little silly, even when it's trying to be serious.

Searching for Sugarman

Anthony Bambari can suck on a turd, this is a great documentary. Hence it's been nominated for an Academy Award, but it isn't going to beat the Invisible War. However, that doesn't mean that Searching For Sugarman isn't, like I said, a great documentary. It's got something of the Anvil documentary, mixed with South African accents, and a lot of very decent music that you've certainly never heard before.

Source Code
Source Code(2011)
½

This is a pretty decently watchable scifi flick. It's not exactly on par with the Matrix and it certainly doesn't rank with legendary scifi films like Blade Runner, but what does these days? Gyllenhaal gives a strong performance, as does Jeffrey Wright.

The Amazing Spider-Man
½

Yep, I was right, Emma Stone really is about as hot as a day old fish-stick, and she stinks this one up pretty bad. Otherwise I actually enjoyed this movie a lot more than I expected to. It was darker and a bit more "real" than the previous series of films. I'm not exactly sure why they cast Martin Sheen in a story that everyone knows his character is going to die (early) in, and I've never been a fan of Sally Field, but both were decent. Andrew Garfield did a lot more with Peter Parker than I would've given him credit for before finishing the movie; he was actually really good. This is was a solidly decent first outing for the reboot, and it seems as though the franchise has nowhere to go but up...

Argo
Argo(2012)

This was a solidly good film, but I guess all the hype and raving I heard about it built my expectations up a bit too much. What really scares me is that this film is somehow going to become a base standard against which other films will be compared in terms of greatness, or that studios will only (yes, ONLY) aspire to make films as good as this and no better, because that would be a real shame. Hollywood has made and certainly should still be able to make films of a much higher caliber than this one. First of all, Ben Affleck has never been much of an actor, he has never shown an audience that he can inhabit and become a character like much more accomplished and talented actors (Sean Penn, Kevin Spacey, Don Cheadle, Daniel Day Lewis, to say nothing of classic actors of Hollywood-past), and now he wants to be a director? This is a solid outing, but he's got a lot of improving to do; I'm convinced he was only able to create this solid a film because he based it on actual events. Despite the film being "loosely" based on actual events it seems that the inaccuracies stem not from added material (or at least not added plot device material) but from information excised from the original situation as would be expected when you make a film out of real circumstances; you can't put everything in. Argo also suffers from the conflict inherent in not knowing exactly what it wants to be: the funny parts are funny, the tense parts are tense, but like mixing ice cream with pasta, two good things combined doesn't create an exponentially better ... anything. Now that I've vented about the film's weaknesses there are several things I very much enjoyed about Argo: the stock footage gave the film a solid grounding in reality, even if Affleck borrowed this technique from countless directors who came before him (Scorsese?); the casting (aside from Affleck casting himself in the lead...) was excellent, Arkin and Goodman are solid character actors who pull off excellent performances and the hostages cast as unknowns was a smart choice; and the story is interesting, engaging, and highly entertaining to watch. Like I said above, this is a good film, but this isn't the best we can expect, even from today's bullshit Hollywood money factory...

The Devil's Advocate
½

Charlize Theron with a southern fried chickenhead accent has all of the grace and charm of making out with a gravel-throated ninety-year-old prostitute with t-bone steak-level meat curtains, but this movie is still pretty cool. How often do you get to see Al Pacino let COMPLETELY loose? Getting blown by a hottie under a table surrounded by people while smoking a cigar? Yes, and I'll have one as well, thank you.

Constantine
Constantine(2005)
½

I enjoyed this movie for many reasons, but mostly because it takes itself about as serious as a movie based on a comic book should. Basically, it walks the fine line between serious and silly very well. Rachel Weisz is no big talent, but neither is Keanu, and Shia LeBeouf is far behind them for that matter. The only serious talent in this one is Djimon Hounsou (unfortunately entitled "Midnite," but I'd have to assume that's from the comic), who sits squarely behind the wheel in every one of his scenes to drive them out of the hole that Keanu could so easily have buried us in. This is not a great movie, but it's worth watching if for no other reason than to see Peter Stormare play the devil, pure excellence. FYI: Fast-forward through Gavin Rossdale's scenes...

Babel
Babel(2006)

I could never get through the beginning, but I should probably go back and finish it...

Crash
Crash(2004)

Incredible, wait ... I mean incredibly overrated. Don Cheadle is a genius of an actor, but even his depth and character couldn't turn this disaster around. Sandra Bullock sucks. Brendan Fraser is a fucking joke. Enough said...

Junebug
Junebug(2005)

About as overrated as a movie can be, and every bit as boring...

Boys Don't Cry

Films are rarely as honest and direct as this, but when they are they are often very good. This film is just excellent Hilary Swank's signature performance, and Chloe Sevigny and Peter Sarsgaard (whom you will want to hate after watching this film) also give career defining performances. It's just that excellent.

An Education
An Education(2009)

I remember being less than impressed, but I need to watch it again.

Can't Buy Me Love

I loved it when I was kid and haven't seen it in years, so it's probably incredibly horrible, but I'll never know. Aside from all that, essentially all this is is a guilty pleasure flick starring Patrick Dempsey before anyone knew he had TV talent proving Seth Green has always been annoying.

Dredd
Dredd(2012)

I was never a fan of the comic book and the first attempt at a flick was a dismal Sly slow-mo (no pun intended) jumping jerk off festival. I'm also no big fan Tarantino-esque over the top violence flicks. Karl Urban doesn't quite pull off the voice that Dredd would most likely have, though he does fit the part lower-half-of-his-face-wise. Finally, Olivia Thirlby is only very little more than a pretty face. That being the case, I wasn't so sure I was going to enjoy this one, but it is quite a good film, highly entertaining, and engaging throughout. If I said the action sequences were good that would mean that there was much in the way of breaks between them, which there aren't; the film is just basically a non-stop action explosion and since that's what they were basically trying to make, they did a great job of pulling it off.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Pure fun and excitement from beginning to end, and every bit a beginning I can hardly stand not being able to finish. Ignore the lesser among critics who for some reason have decided (it would almost seem in advance...) not to like this film. I particularly enjoy the detail Peter Jackson requires including in unfolding the plot of his stories. This film is no slouch in the detail department and as such does not fail to entertain at least and enthrall at most. Great fun.

Cloud Atlas
Cloud Atlas(2012)

People don't like this film because they don't understand it. I can't understand the smugness inherent in hating something beyond yourself. This film is pure beauty and brilliance. I pity the lesser among us...

Looper
Looper(2012)
½

It's the little things, details, nuances, that really make a film enjoyable and simply fun to watch. This film has those in spades, and essentially adds up to a brilliant prediction about and examination of where the world is headed and the part America will and will not play in that future. Joseph Gordon-Levitt gives an easily Oscar-worthy performance as young Bruce Willis hunting Bruce Willis. It's just fantastic.

Point Break
Point Break(1991)

A fun pseudo-action movie back before Keanu's head swelled beyond recognition, and Patrick Swayze isn't even all that annoying. Gary Busey at his nutty best, channeling Nolte's performance in 48 Hours. Goofy fun stuff...

The Hangover
The Hangover(2009)

The only reason I watched this was because from the movie poster I thought Zach Galifianakis was actually Jeff Bridges reprising his character, or something like it, from The Big Lebowski. I was wrong, and so is this movie. Also, Ed Helms was funny for an episode and a half or so of the Office, now he should just jump off of something really really tall.

Blues Brothers 2000

Dan Aykroyd deserves ten million bag tags for this fucking travesty. Dan were you really that broke?

The Blues Brothers

Comedy genius with James Brown, Ray Charles, Cab Calloway, and Aretha Franklin! Watch it and thank me later.

Top Secret!
Top Secret!(1984)

This is classic comedy the likes of which have not been seen since maybe Dumb and Dumber...

Airplane 2 - The Sequel

Not as funny as the original, but still funny enough to kick the living shit out of contemporary bullshit like Super Bad and every Steve Carell movie ever made (aside from Anchorman, duh...).

Airplane!
Airplane!(1980)

Funny, back when funny meant fucking funny. This film is so fucking hysterical if you watch it blunted you might die of a laughter induced embolism.

Tropic Thunder

It took me two tries to get through this, but it's actually a pretty funny movie. Robert Downey Jr. basically steals the show and Jack Black is as boring as ever, but there are great bits from Tom Cruise (I was as surprised as you must be reading this) and Nick Nolte (who hasn't made a decent film since 48 Hours basically...).

The A-Team
The A-Team(2010)

All the furious intensity of staring into a plugged crapper, fuck my childhood one more time please...

Total Recall
Total Recall(2012)

It wasn't as bad as I expected, nor as good as it should have been to demonstrate its need to be made. At this point the old one has so much kitsch appeal that only a unbelievably incredible outing would even be able to muster a shred of support from fans, and you don't do that by casting Jessica Biel or Kate Beckinsale. Watch it if you must, but keep your expectations low, and if you haven't seen the original: kill yourself.

Judge Dredd
Judge Dredd(1995)

Pretty unforgivably bad even if it was made way back when Stallone was a heavy hitter in the action genre. His performance comes off like a bowl of cottage cheese spilled on the floor and essentially shits all over the comic this movie was based on. Hopefully the new one will be a lot better...

Easy Rider
Easy Rider(1969)

Life less conventional and a fucking hell of a lot more real.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Do drugs without doing drugs, also Thompson was a god and Gilliam is a piece of crap who lucked the fuck out landing this film...

Requiem for a Dream

I took a shit one time, stood up, looked down, and wondered what the fuck I'd eaten...

Vanilla Sky
Vanilla Sky(2001)

Much more a Crowe fan than a Cruise fan, but I thought this was a very solidly entertaining film.

The Campaign
The Campaign(2012)

Zach Galifianakis is comedy cancer and as funny as dismemberment.

Lords of Dogtown

The documentary was better, but this is still a fun flick.

Dogtown and Z-Boys

Simply excellent, this film contains a lot of really great old footage of Venice being skated and surfed to perfection. This is the kind of cultural document that surpasses its own audience and can draw in people who otherwise would have little interest in its subject matter. It's just ... simply excellent.

Adventureland
½

The only thing interesting about this disaster is that it's Kristen Stewart's highest rated movie on Rotten Tomatoes, and that's not very interesting. It's a pretty dumb movie about a bunch of forgettable characters. Eisenberg and Stewart manage to have less chemistry than you could boil down out of all ... how many ever ... Twilight travesties. Even the genius of Bill Hader couldn't save this mess, and his performance kind of shows that he didn't really even try.

Toy Soldiers
Toy Soldiers(1991)

Pretty dumb overall, but almost good enough to be a beers + pizza + weed flick on a Saturday afternoon.

Patriot Games
½

The Hunt for Red October was at least ten times better than this snooze-a-thon and in my opinion Alec Baldwin was a vastly superior Jack Ryan. Harrison Ford comes off as a whiny bitch compared to Baldwin's Ryan. I spent most of this movie waiting for something to happen, and then when it does I was just happy to get it over with. Boring...

Magnolia
Magnolia(1999)

The singing, the fucking singing, why the fucking singing, Paul, why?

My Own Private Idaho

Unwatchable. Better, odder films have been made. Obviously a film that makes you uncomfortable isn't automatically a bad film, but this is just gross. Like the characters in the film I left this one with a particularly bad taste in my mouth. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was a lot better in the Mysterious Skin was a lot better if movies about male prostitutes is your bag...

Elephant
Elephant(2003)

I just don't understand why this movie needed to be made, but on the other hand I understand why people "like" it so much. They watch it, they don't get it, but they feel pressured by other people around them to say it's good; it's just like how every rock and roll fan has a copy of the Velvet Underground's "The Velvet Underground & Nico," but they never listen to it. They have it to say they have it and like, but they never play it because it's shit. I watched this movie exactly once, and having done so I don't feel a need to see it again. It's garbage, it's a waste of time, watch something better. Almost anything would be something better, but let me make a few suggestions: Milk (a better Van Sant film), the Celebration (a better art house/experimental-ish film), Heathers (a better high school film), Submarine (an even better high school film), and finally The Hunt for Red October (because I watched it today, not for the first time, and it's very entertaining).

The Ice Storm

Guess what? When a film has no plot it doesn't turn out to be very good, does it? No, and this unending disappointment is the perfect example. I hate Kevin Kline so much I don't even want to discuss his lack of a performance. Christina Ricci is almost as bad, though she does have at least one good line. The biggest problem I have with this unmitigated disaster is the fact that the most interesting part of the movie doesn't actually happen; Tobey Maguire's story ends when it begins. Also, my advice for Ang Lee with regard to Elijah Wood's character: character development means that your character does stuff so that we are interested enough in that character such that we want to understand and ultimately sympathize with him/her, which means that all the other characters just talking about how weird another character is doesn't actually make that character weird. He dies in a cool way, but before that he's little more than a ghost in a movie that plays up how strange he is without him actually doing anything strange. This does not make the movie interesting, it makes it dumb. It's a good think Ang Lee went on to make Brokeback Mountain, which beats the shit out of this movie by a factor of everything plus everything times everything, forever.

People Like Us

I like Chris Pine. I don't like Elizabeth Banks. I couldn't finish this movie because it wasn't really worth watching. Crap is crap, and this is crap.

The Cabin in the Woods

Fucking stupid from beginning to end. Pay no mind to the scores it received on this site, this movie is the cinematic equivalent of a stinking hunk of dog shit.

Something from Nothing: The Art of Rap

Sometimes a documentary is so good that you don't have to particularly interested in the topic to enjoy the film. This is not an example of that kind of documentary. If you like rap you'll definitely like this one, I couldn't get through it, but I'm not a very big fan of this kind of music, so go figure...

The Invisible War

The stark difficulty of this topic alone makes the film worth watching. I can't say it's the best documentary I've ever seen, but it's also not the worst. It was important to watch once, but I don't think I need to see it again.

Fast Times At Ridgemont High

80's high school comedy with a twist, it was written by Cameron Crowe after he spent something like a year undercover back in high school. The elements of the film are the situations he saw American high school kids dealing with. So the funny parts (everything with Sean Penn) are funny, but the real stuff is real.

Waterworld
Waterworld(1995)

Could've been so much and ended up being so little. Great filming, but the story just isn't really there. If you can stomach it, watch the director's cut as it actually manages to make a little more sense and at least it's better than the Postman...

Brazil
Brazil(1985)

Seen it, but I just don't understand what people like so much about it. I couldn't wait for it to finally end. Plus, Gilliam is a shit director who's made little more than Time Bandits...

Edward Scissorhands
½

Up there with Burton's best. I liked this just as much as Beetlejuice and more than The Nightmare Before Christmas. Claymation is all waiting and hoping, but real filmmaking, is film-MAKING, not film-WAITING. This is a beautifully haunting film of love and unrequited love.

Prometheus
Prometheus(2012)

Let's get through the list of shit first: poor casting, poor character development (including some who just mysteriously appear out of fucking nowhere), piss fucking poor dialogue (like a bad soap opera bad), the tritest of scifi cliches (humans can feel but robots can't, and the robot is a fucking android, not a robot!), Guy Pearce totally fucking wasted, goofy fucking heroic sounding background music out of a Macguyver episode, the random dudes I mentioned who spent the whole flick with their mouths closed suddenly giving their lives for their captain and breaking my heart in the process, ultra-lame religious sentimentality, and I'm sorry but after seeing Michael Fassbender in Shame I just can't take him seriously as an actor. All I see is a coked out loser being walked in on by his sister while he's slapping the fuck out of his meat pole. Not exactly class-A scifi material. Also, I could have taken all of this scathingly brilliant criticism back, but just when this pile of crap was getting good it downshifted into a bullshit action movie. It's just too bad that Arnold was busy waxing some ugly bitch's ass, Wesley Blade was behind bars, and Sly was too untalented even for a movie so bad that it can't be properly derivative. The evolutionary hints were kind of cool, but ultimately I'd rather watch a witty weed flick while killing many beers than be subjected to the insults to my sense of what makes for good scifi.

Amélie
Amélie(2001)

I could never say enough about this film, it's simply exquisite.

The Secret of My Success

For some reason while growing up I thought this was a great movie, so I watched it far far far too many times. It's still got that nostalgic charm for me, but in spite of and quite aside from that fact, this is still a great example of 80's mid-tier star power film making. I'm a sucker for these films because they constitute for me a real investment in the film craft; mostly I love the little touches: a cheesy 80's rock title song with the name of the film in the chorus, the location shooting in New York, a female lead like Helen Slater who's hot and whose career went nowhere, etc... If you're a fan of one off 80's comedies, this is a great example, if not, watch something else that I'm sure you'll enjoy more despite the fact that it won't be as good...

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Kevin James is a fat no-talent idiot.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Somewhere between unnecessarily dumb and difficult to finish. Some of the jokes are funny, but mostly this is just Kevin Smith trying really hard to make a "Kevin Smith" movie, and making a shitty romantic comedy that begins with porn and ends with romance, and covers every unfunny topic from racism to having your face covered in shit in between. I'd rather just watch Clerks or Mallrats again...

Moonrise Kingdom

I can understand why some of Wes Anderson's films aren't more widely appreciated or enjoyed. The Life Aquatic, while being an excellent film in my opinion, is pretty obviously more than a little strange and to be perfectly honest I didn't give the Fantastic Mr. Fox more than about three minutes before I turned it off, but what's not to like about Moonrise Kingdom? The story is painfully beautiful, if a little silly, but a children's love story would have to be at least a little tongue-in-cheek. The actors are mainly children, but their performances are wonderful. Like the Coen brothers and many other auteurist directors, Anderson tends to work with a more or less standard crew of actors, but he always tends to throw at least a couple extra big names in, so this time around Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman are joined by Edward Norton (a brilliant actor), Bruce Willis (who's basically a joke in my book, but he pulls his limited role off), and (Coen brothers' staple) Frances McDormand. This film has all of the wonderful details and nuances that make Wes Anderson's films so fantastic; he's really outdone himself this time.

The Waterboy
The Waterboy(1998)

Way back when Sandler was on SNL he did a sketch with Alex Baldwin about a boy scout who was obsessed with a canteen. Then Baldwin jagged him in the ass with his huge Kim-Basinger-killer. It was hysterical, but as this movie is very obviously based on that sketch, it has essentially nothing new to offer anyone in terms of humor. This movie is garbage. Watch Billy Madison or Happy Gilmore instead; you'll thank me.

Happy Gilmore

Sandler when he still had the balls to make insane comedy, well. This and Billy Madison are his best, by far. All that crap after this pales in comparison.

Billy Madison

Adam Sandler went from hysterically funny to hysterically pathetic. From first comedy to last he only managed to get worse (his forays into drama and darker comedy however do not tend to follow this rule as Punch Drunk Love and Funny People are excellent and very good respectively). Get ready, because aside from Happy Gilmore (his next fucking film), it all goes downhill from here...

Mr. Deeds
Mr. Deeds(2002)
½

The inevitable Sandler laughable comedy slide begins here, just before the piles of crap that are Anger Management, the Longest Yard, and Click, movies I could only watch to masochistically punish myself with, especially the first one. Sandler, how the fuck do you make a bad flick with Jack FUCKING Nicholson? By the way, Adam, adding Winona "klepto" Ryder to your crap movie doesn't make it better, it just makes it more obvious that you're trying anything to make the lame script work. Only John Turturro has the skill to make this travesty funny...

The Longest Yard

Dumb, and unworthy of Sandler's legacy...

Caddyshack
Caddyshack(1980)

Chevy Chase never belonged to the comedy genius of his SNL contemporaries (I can't say peers...) John Belushi, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, or even Steve Martin. That being the case, he still used to make some very funny movies and this, along with Fletch, is basically on a very short list of the funniest. Who thought you could make golf funny? Clearly Adam Sandler took lessons from a former cast member...

The Goonies
The Goonies(1985)

The end-all-be-all of the "kids in search of treasure" genre.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

As far as kids movies go, this has to be the brightest of the shining stars.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

This piece of crap begs the question, "Why?" Outdoing either Wilder's performance in the original or the original as a whole, was essentially impossible. This movie manages to disappoint me even before it begins and certainly much more so once it has...

Sleepy Hollow

I clearly liked this film a lot more than anyone else did, but you have to admit that as far as Burton's darkness goes, this is about the darkest of the bunch. I'd do into depth, but the cast is the cast is the cast. I wouldn't have cast Christina fucking Ricci, or even hired her to make the egg salad on set, but I'm not Burton. Fuck, even Hitchcock cast actress that did more for his libido than his production. In any case, I thought this was captivating and interesting, dark and twisted, all that plus Christopher Walken as the Headless Horseman, awesome.

Pee-wee's Big Adventure
½

Hadn't seen this since I was a kid; surprise, surprise, it didn't hold up well. More annoying than funny, more silly than interesting, and ultimately more dumb than anything...

Catch-22
Catch-22(1970)

I suppose the fact that the novel is so uniquely amazingly unflinchingly excellent was the impetus necessitating a film version, but never has the cliched quip, "the book was better," been more true. Alan Arkin is an excellent actor, and hats off to Nichols for casting none other than Orson Welles as General Dreedle along with such big names as Martin Sheen and Jon Voight. Unfortunately, you can't expect a film of a book this good to be as good as the original, it just isn't possible, to say nothing of the fact that half of the book isn't in the movie...

The Lookout
The Lookout(2007)

This film may not make you feel good or feel good about Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but that doesn't make it a bad film. It also, unlike basically every bullshit Hollywood production these days, doesn't pussy out when it comes to the hard hitting scenes and development a real film needs to turn heads and push asses into seats. The "talk his ass into this crazy bank robbery shit" scene in this film pulls no punches; it's a hundred times as hardcore as any scene the horseshit "The Town" has. Also, the film revolves around a conceit that is dormant if not completely absent in modern filmmaking, the pattern of life that befuddles and becomes the reality of the mental handicapped by accident. That is until the inevitable Hollywood horseshit takes over and evil dark-glasses guy starts acting like a bad-ass, after which ... well ... you get the picture. Too bad, because this movie had "film" written all over it, and it really wanted to deliver, but in the end it just wasn't all that great. Like the main character, it just wasn't 100% there...

The Help
The Help(2011)

Solid. I honestly don't have anything bad to say about this film. It's funny. It's tragic. It's well told. It's entertaining. It's just ... good. Watch it, you'll see. Oh, shit, I can't stand Emma Stone. I know what a hot chick is and it isn't Emma Stone, as her face looks like it was made in a Beverly Hills clinic instead of a ... womb.

50/50
50/50(2011)
½

Joseph Gordon-Levitt does an ... okay (not terrible, not excellent) job of playing a young guy dealing with his potential impending death... Seth Rogen proves that while he will never have the screen presence to fill a lead role, he definitely has more screen presence than Anna Kendrick, if that's some sort of accolade...I'm not actually sure how a film about cancer can get billed at least partially as a comedy. I mean, there are funny lines in it, mostly as delivered by Rogen, but that hardly makes it a comedy. This is hardly the best film any of these actors (Gordon-Levitt's been so much more in Inception and as a lead in 500 Days of Summer, Rogen was better in Funny People, and Anjelica Huston has been better in ... everything, watch a Wes Anderson flick, Steve Zissou kicks the shit outta 50/50) have been in, aside maybe from Kendrick, who's never done anything good, and yes that definitely, iron-fucking-clad, includes Twilight. That having been said this movie does represent a decently entertaining film. It's not gong to win any awards, you're not going to want to watch it again right away, and you're not going to have a lot of coffee shop conversations about how good it was, but it's still an entertaining hour and forty minutes. Spoiler Alert: All of the annoying things you think are going to happen by the end, happen by the end. It would have been so much better if it had actually tried to end in reality instead of in Disneyland, but like basically every other piece of shit coming out of Hollywood these days, you can't have an ending without a happy ending, so this "dark" "film" about "death" ends without death, and instead with a first fucking date, ugh...

Mallrats
Mallrats(1995)

Kevin Smith's second best attempt at comedy, with Shannon Doherty! It's silly, it's goofy, it's slightly offensive, it's a Kevin Smith flick. What I don't get is that he apologized for Mallrats and then made Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Jersey Girl, and Clerks II for fuck's sake! The humor, characters, and performances dust those pieces of shit right off...

Clerks II
Clerks II(2006)

Had low hopes, they were unfulfilled. It was a movie with a story, but aside from that I can't say anything...

Clerks
Clerks(1994)

Kevin Smith made this film, then he made a couple other decent flicks (Mallrats and Chasing Amy), then he laid out a mile wide strip of greasy Taco Bell dumps that would encircle the world a billion times over and called them "funny movies." He apologized for Mallrats, but he cleary apologized too early. I digress, but this film is still genius in it's irreverence and pure hilarity. I don't want to build it up too much, so I'll end by saying that this is should be the funniest film you will ever see and if it isn't, kill yourself.

Office Space
Office Space(1999)

It's embarrassing, but this film had a lot to do with my never taking a job in an office, until I did, when this film had a lot to do with my not being sad when they fired me. Also, Ron Livingston attains god-status merely for being in Swingers. This film isn't as good or funny or balls-out as Swingers, but it's good for a bunch of laughs. "Watch out for your cornhole, bud." And enjoy Drew...

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The monkey scene, the fucking monkey scene... This bucket of diarrhea proves my theory that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg jointly traded their nuts in to Satan for kingdoms of curdled blood and terrible crispy belly-button lint filled skulls of pain. They are the new horses of the apocalypse, upon whom sit Rosie O'Donnell and Kevin Kline, the scourge of the damned, the pestilence of the horrible masses, and the evil of all that is pink, fuzzy, and polyester covered. Divide the quality of my review by a google-plex a google-plex times and you will get this movie ... out of the ass of a dead hippopotamus.

Titanic
Titanic(1997)

Blah, blah, blah, blah, the boat sinks, blah, blah, the end. And somehow I still feel like I've given this travesty too much credit...

Happiness
Happiness(1998)

One of the most uncomfortable films you will ever see, but if you haven't seen it you need to. It's the reality of life that we all wish would go away and leave us alone, right in front of our wanna-be innocent faces, complete with all the perversion and depth of real life. Philip Seymour Hoffman is excellent, and I think this might even be his best film, but the Russian cab driver takes the cake. Best line, "It is alright if you are lesbian ... I like lesbian."

Mysterious Skin
½

This was not an easy film to watch, not because it was bad, but because it was probably a bit too realistic. If you're interested in the private life of a molested under-age male prostitute then this one is for you. If however, you'd prefer not to watch a young man get beaten unconscious with a shampoo bottle while being anally raped in a shitty bathroom tub, then you might want to watch something else. Also, the entire second plot, the story of the other, "dorky" main character isn't all that interesting. RT is telling me that Happiness is like Mysterious Skin (apparently so is the Butterfly Effect, and unfortunately I know from experience to disagree about that Ashton Kutcher complete debacle...). They're certainly both uncomfortable, but I'd have to say that Happiness is by far the better of the two...

Manic
Manic(2003)

I really hate to bash this movie, because it seems to be a genuine attempt to document or comment on the issues facing modern adolescents, though it was made more than ten years ago. I just can't get past the fact that all of these actors have done so much more in other films, even Zooey Deschanel, who let's admit isn't all that great a performer. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and especially Don Cheadle are however, and while they probably did as much as they could with what they had to work with, it still doesn't make for a really great film. Finally, of all the shaky-cam pseudo-documentary still movies I've seen, this one takes the prize for most annoyingly shaky, to the nth degree. Seriously it's like the cinematographer was horking rails of coke between triple espressos during each take. It was almost enough to get me to throw in the towel within the first twenty minutes or so, but the story was just enough to keep me interested. (Don't even get me started on the fact that the film essentially takes place in a quasi-mental institution and the main character's roommate is Native American. Anyone else see the derivation?)

Weekend
Weekend(2011)
½

A simply excellent portrait of fleeting love, and the promise that you might find exactly what you're looking for the next time because it exists even if it doesn't exist right now.

The Hunger Games

The fact that this movie has such an evenly matched high critic and audience rating is scary to me. Is this the direction American cinema will follow, or is already following? How many fucking times do I have to watch the same scene over and over and over and over, to remember a simple tiny aspect of the incredibly heavy-handed uninteresting plot? The craziest part is that this isn't such a bad idea for a movie, but because it's Hollywood, one movie isn't enough to satisfy the money trolls, so vampires that they are they need to suck every fucking last penny out of this corpse. It just makes for a washed out, completely limited from the beginning movie, basically made for our internal four-year-old. Boring...

The Sitter
The Sitter(2011)

I was fairly sure I didn't like Jonah Hill before watching this ... movie. Now, I'm sure.

Inception
Inception(2010)
½

Probably the best, non-alien involved (District 9 was excellent), scifi film made since the Matrix. Even Ellen Page is watchable, but only just barely. DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt do some serious showing off of their tremendous acting talent, but at least 90% of the credit has to go to Nolan. Does this guy even make bad movies? I just checked; apparently he doesn't.

The Majestic
The Majestic(2001)

An interesting idea that just doesn't seem to go or get anywhere. Unfortunately Jim Carrey must've thought that this and the other flop films he did were his future away from comedy, so he gave up and went back to making pure shit like Fun with Dick and Jane. He should've grabbed some sack, got a new agent, and read more scripts, he could've done more films like the Truman Show and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...

American Gangster
½

Washington is no Pacino (re: Scarface), he doesn't even pull off as convincing and interesting performance as Johnny Depp does in Blow, but this is still an entertaining movie. Strong second tier performances by Crowe, and especially Josh Brolin make up for Washington's failures as a lead actor.

Repo Man
Repo Man(1984)

One of my all time favorite films and a gloriously hilarious send up of film noir in general and Kiss Me Deadly in particular. Harry Dean Stanton's performance is second to none and Emilio Estevez's first starring role is excellently executed with pure disdain and total post-adolescent apathy; he exudes what it is to supremely not give a shit about anything. Too bad he and Alex Cox went on to do basically nothing of note other than ... well nothing for Estevez, but at least Cox made Sid & Nancy.

The Departed
The Departed(2006)

Martin Scorsese should be ashamed of himself for making what amounts to the loudest fart in film history. Watching essentially any of his other film would be a better decision. That being said, the brilliant first twenty or thirty minutes of this film make promises that the script and direction COMPLETELY fail to deliver on. Nicholson is Nicholson, Damon and DiCaprio are pretty forgettable, and it's basically left to one scene with Marky Mark to make a film. You can't make a film out of a strong start and one well acted/directed scene. Sorry, this film sucks, watch Goodfellas instead.

The Fugitive
The Fugitive(1993)
½

Back when Harrison Ford made really good films he made this one. Then he married Aly McBeal and like Sampson, amputated his talent.

The Rock
The Rock(1996)
½

This is something like Con Air part zero, with Sean Connery as an aging bad-ass. The shots of Alcatraz were enough for me to watch it, but don't go in with high hopes for the script or performances...

Con Air
Con Air(1997)
½

This is a pretty seriously unnecessary movie, but if you go in with campy expectations the one-liners will not disappoint.

Face/Off
Face/Off(1997)
½

Watchable, but pretty dumb all the way around.

Demolition Man

Last in the proud tradition of crazy 80's (I know this was made in the 90's, that's why it's the last one...) action/dystopia flicks. This is no Terminator, Running Man, or even Total Recall, but it's up there with the greats.

The Puffy Chair

If this guy and his girlfriend start the movie by driving to New York, why do they first leave New York, or am I supposed to be too dumb to notice the Empire State building twice? The performances are phony, the production value is crap for crap sake (for some reason this is a good thing?), and the characters aren't in any way even close to being a little interesting.

21 Jump Street

First of all, Channing Tatum is a waste of life, and in no way an actor. Second, this garbage was written by Jonah Hill, right? I can tell, he clearly writes as poorly as he does everything else in life: shit actor, shit writer, not funny, not interesting, I could go on forever... Ten minutes of pain was all I really wanted to endure, but I had nothing better to do, so unfortunately I kept watching and heard: "Fortunately for you two, we're reviving a canceled undercover police program from the 80's and revamping it for modern times. You see, the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas. So all they do now is recycle shit from the past and expect us all not to notice." At least it's an honest pile of shit, if it is stupidity, proud of it's stupidity, masquerading as humor. Chubby, Stripper, congratulate your dumb selves, you've invented a new genre of comedy. It's a sort of dead-pan that isn't funny because it's under, rather than over, the top, which basically just means it's trying so hard to be obvious that it's taking not taking itself seriously, seriously. Watching a movie like this is like trying to re-swallow your own vomit; no matter how much you succeed in the end you have to fail...

Jiro Dreams of Sushi

Sometimes films are good because they are entertaining or because they mean something to you personally or because they are so well made. Sometimes they can do all three, and sometimes they can do all three on purpose. Even if you've never eaten sushi or care nothing about it, this film is so well made it really doesn't matter. Like the maker of sushi at Sukiyabashi Jiro strive to surpass the expectations of their patrons, this is film is so good that it transcends it's simple outward appearance such that those who truly appreciate the fine art of cinema will understand that while the subject of the film may be sushi, something that perhaps not everyone appreciates, this is still a film made to the highest levels of cinema. It can only be described as quintessential.

Old School
Old School(2003)
½

One part Revenge of the Nerds, one part every 80's college fuck-off flick, and one part Billy Madison's ending equals a pretty standard comedy for today's bullshit audience that doesn't know the difference. "Earmuffs" was the best part. It isn't brilliant, but it isn't all that horrible either. so get yourself some Taco Beel, a half-rack of PBR, and enough weed to this will be the best film ever... for one night.

A Serious Man

Not the Coen brothers' strongest outing, and regardless of what anyone may think about mysterious connections or what have you, the beginning makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER with the rest of the movie. In any case this is still an uncomfortable/funny film by two of the best filmmakers of this generation. This isn't as gripping as Blood Simple or as funny as the Big Lebowski, but it kicks the shit out of the Hudsucker Proxy, and pisses all over the Man Who Wasn't There. The scene with the Korean student and subsequently with his father are pure genius, and never trust a goy.

Being Flynn
Being Flynn(2012)
½

An interesting enough idea, and I have to say DeNiro hasn't given a performance like this is a long time (he's been too busy on blowjob paycheck flicks like "Meet the Whoevers, a-fucking-gain..."), but the story just doesn't seem to go anywhere. It plays around with some overly developed, very obviously first-draft ideas, more goofy than funny or more funny than interesting, but they end up the same place as the ideas that should have been developed, but went nowhere and died. By the time something actually happens so much wasted time has passed that you just don't really care much about the characters or their pathetic lives anymore. It's too bad because it's clear that there was something to be said here, but why do we have to wade through an hour of emptiness to find a kernel of ... anything; shouldn't it have been there all along?

American Reunion

Get drunk and throw away a couple of hours, or just get the original, at this point they're basically the exact same...

We Need to Talk About Kevin

It takes less than 20% of the movie to figure out exactly where the movie is going to go, so... Children are neither as confident nor as vindictive as ... little Kevin. Adolescents are never very interesting, so this dull attempt does a good job (intentionally?) of proving this fact. This movie is like one of those lame comedies wherein all the characters really need to do is have a four second conversation about the facts of the situation and all the tension would evaporate. And why did they need to make Ezra Miller up to look like Edward from Twilight? Were all the belly shirts really necessary? Is there some sort of gay = evil connection going on here? Ultimately, this is an odd (but not in a good way) little movie that is weird kind of for no reason, pointlessly pointless, and which perpetually wastes the abilities of John C. Reilly, a very underrated actor. Tilda Swinton, yawn, plays a legendary explorer who doesn't leave town after her son kills everyone, with a bow and arrow? Um, that's dumb...

The Company Men

First, Craig fucking Nelson should never be in any movie concerning any topic at any time perpetually throughout the universe, because he clearly sucks dog shit ... well. Second, this movie does about as much to develop any sort of inter-character relationships as Saddam Hussein did to foster trust and understand with either or both George Bushes... That being said, can someone please explain to me why Kevin Costner was compelled to be in this movie? Is he as fucking broke as his character? Can someone also explain why Chris Cooper was so thoroughly wasted? He was the only real heavy hitter here when it came to pure acting talent. (I never thought I'd see the day when an American movie would use bad economics to justify suicide...fuck me, fucking lame.) Even Tommy Lee is essentially wasted as the script is completely focused on Ben boring Affleck, an actor only slightly above the incredibly low standard Craig shitstain Nelson sets for the rest of ... existence. That being the case, this movie was okay, but essentially an Affleck reverse Good Will Blunting stroke-fest barely worth watching. Boo-hoo, America sucks these days and no one can get a job doing anything decent. I particularly enjoyed how Affleck's bad luck comes in the form of sorry-we-gave-that-job-to-someone-else-after-we-said-it-was-yours, a pride-swallowing family connected blue-collar job, and just goofy miscommunication hijinx. How lame are these people? I know that CEOs make way too much money and all the little guys are mired in the shit, but if you aren't going to actually say anything about it, what the fuck is the point in beating around the bush? Make me care or shut the fuck off, because this movie has an important message to get across, but is does a piss poor job of doing so...

Joe the King
Joe the King(1999)
½

More honestly real than one hundred percent of the voluptuous decadence and masturbation crammed out of the anus that is today's Hollywood. A film worth watching because Frank Whaley had the courage to put himself as a man into his script. I typically don't enjoy films about kids, but this one is essentially excellent, completely sympathy-worthy, and simply very watchable. Enjoy.

God Bless America
½

You could call it a rip-off of Falling Down, and you wouldn't be all that wrong. You could even say that it's a slightly less campy, perhaps slightly more idealistic kind of Super, minus the superhero angle, and you wouldn't be totally off base. But that's all beside the point because what makes this film worth watching isn't the acting, or the plot, it's the way in which it's all put together. Bobcat Goldthwait isn't a great filmmaker. He isn't an auteur. He isn't even all that fantastic a writer, though some of the lines in this film are brilliant. The greatest thing about this film is that it isn't made the way Hollywood makes films, it's made the way Bob Goldthwait makes films, which is to say it's different. In a time when everything is a copy of an homage of an attempt to outdo something that's already been done, Bob is just trying to make funny movies. This time he's succeeded in making a funny movie with a very important message, and he's also succeeded in making a joke of himself and hypocrisy at the same time. This isn't all that great a film, but it's a fucking sight better and far more worthwhile to watch than most of the shit churned out ad infinitum, ad nauseum, by the Hollywood sludge factory.

JFK
JFK(1991)

Enthralling and captivating, films are so rarely this entertaining and well made. It's just an excellent film filled the brim with excellent performances.

W.
W.(2008)

Brolin plays Bush better than you can even imagine. This is about as underrated as a film can be, and the best Stone has made in a decade, easy.

Training Day
Training Day(2001)
½

Ethan Hawke gets duped into smoking PCP, drinks a beer, scores a paycheck, and then it ends. Denzel.

Casino
Casino(1995)
½

David Spade said it best, "Casino, ca-seen-it, but I like it better the first time, when it was called Goodfellas." That being the case, this is still quite a good film, but with basically all the conceits of the first rehashed for seemingly no other reason that to dump a lot of money all over a few very talented people, and Sharon Stone. Pesci is a crazy nut, De Niro is cool as ice until he loses it, and the rest of the stellar cast (sans Stone) goes along for the roller-coaster ride. Watch Casino before you watch Goodfellas, because watching them the other way around will taste like following a glass of Dom Perignon with a warm cup of Natural Ice...

The Untouchables

At some point all those years way back when Kevin Costner was still working for a living he made some really great films. These days he apologizes for one miserable travesty after another. This film however is great, and Costner shines as brightly as he does in his other stellar and uncompromisingly strong performances, like in Bull Durham and Dances with Wolves.

The Butterfly Effect

Wow, this was a poor movie. Ashton Kutcher is absolutely every bit as bad as you could ever imagine him being, and somehow the rest of the cast is even worse.

The Grey
The Grey(2012)

About forty-five minutes into the movie Neeson says, "Do you want to say anything?" Yes, I do: this movie is a piece of shit. Did you know trees repelled wolves; holy shit, neither did I. What the fuck is the difference between this and The Day After Tomorrow? Oh, yeah, this piece of crap has a couple of decent actors who are totally wasted in this complete (frozen) piss puddle and it doesn't take place in New York City. Couldn't even finish it, it was so bad; at least I didn't pay to watch ... half of it.

Intolerable Cruelty

Hysterical and proof that when he's told what to do, Clooney can actually act.

Raising Arizona
½

Ridiculously hysterical.

The Day After Tomorrow

About as bad as a natural disaster movie can get, which is pretty fucking bad, plus CGI wolves and a chase scene involving freezing air (yes, the characters get chased by fucking freezing air...). Pure shit.

Chronicle
Chronicle(2012)
½

One part pseudo-Hancock, two parts Twilight (set in Seattle for a reason?), with just a pinch of Teen Wolf thrown in for good measure, very good about paying attention to the 80's horror cliches (hence, like the Shining, the black character dies first), and filmed Blair Witch style, but just sort of. Hats off to them for killing off the jock first, but the movie does little more than reinforce the old stereotypes concerning the dork who never manages to fit in, even when he's telekinetic and can fly. It was either that or the quickest example of power corrupts, ever, on film. The story is vaguely interesting, and the action makes it entertaining despite the fact that the development happens at death-by-whiplash inducing speed; it practically ends before it even has a chance to begin. The acting (directing) was decent enough to make you care a little about the characters initially, but like a good Dukes of Hazzard chase, only the audience sees everything heading directly for the million mile high cliff at the end of the ... movie. Despite the dumb terrorism references, all the CCTV footage was kind of cool, but gimmicks and explosions a great film do not make.

X2: X-Men United
½

A decent continuation of the first one, entertaining...

X-Men: The Last Stand
½

Entertaining, but only just.

X-Men
X-Men(2000)
½

Decent as far as comic-book movies go, but there is very little that is special about this movie. If you haven't seen it you'll enjoy it, but watch the three in order as in my opinion they get progressively better.

Ghost Rider
Ghost Rider(2007)

A movie that even Nick Cage didn't need to make (and when is the American male going to wake up to the fact that Eva Mendes ISN'T FUCKING HOT!?!), but I guess the pimp-assed lifestyle isn't going to pay for itself.

Die Hard: With a Vengeance

They decided to toss the whole "confined space as method for heightening tension" angle with this flick. It is predictably worse than the first, and doesn't do much to live up even to the second one, and the second one was pretty fucking bad...

Speed
Speed(1994)
½

Decent Keanu action vehicle, despite Sandra no-talent fucking it all up. Dennis Hopper plays a great villan, despite Jeff Daniels fumbling the shit out of everything as the anti-villan. Point Break was better...

Crimson Tide
Crimson Tide(1995)

Decent action, but what's up with the weird comic book crap and racist scene at the end? Oh, yeah, Quentin Tarantino wrote that bullshit into the script, lame...

The Hunt for Red October
½

Before Harrison Ford took the reigns and drove the series directly off the Patriot Games/Clear & Present Danger cliff, Alec Baldwin was a damn good Jack Ryan. Hey, Sean Connery plays a soviet submarine captain, fuck yes. It's every bit as good as it sounds. Enjoy.

Norwegian Wood
½

It's the old cliche, but this film doesn't even come close to the strength and beauty encapsulated in the book. There is so much of the characters that simply doesn't come across, and the less central characters are essentially lost altogether. All the spontaneous vibrancy of the Midori of the novel is completely lost in a fucking jumbled mess of awkwardly underdeveloped scenes that just make her character look like a basket case. Everything that makes Noru fall in love with her is absent in the film. Reiko's character is a complete waste, all of her humor and depth are pared down until she's a paper-thin wisp of window dressing, frigidly ruined, complete with the empty tone of her singing voice. Her character could not have possibly been more poorly cast. Unfortunately the rather solid performances of Ken'ichi Matsuyama as Watanabe and Rinko Kikuchi as Naoko make for a stilted film, both top heavy and front-loaded, which collapses as the plot basically falls apart by the third act when the original story comes to rest on the strength the book develops as the more minor characters move forward in the plot. Tran makes a noble effort, and to be honest the film is quite beautifully shot with strong cinematographic style of composition, color, and angle, but like any second-telling of a favorite story, be it the memory of a first kiss, a film, or (god forbid) a fucking television show, the rehashing of once known perfection can never deliver on the promise and passion of the original.

Rampart
Rampart(2012)

Rough, gritty, dirty, ... shitty? Woody Harrelson plays a character who is one part racist, one part womanizer, two parts cop, sort of a Vietnam vet (when it suits him to discuss it for ten or twenty seconds), one-hundredth part father, and all parts complete prick. He gives a great performance, but the script just doesn't go anywhere. The peripheral characters are entirely underdeveloped and essentially do nothing for the movie. Ben Foster is pretty good, Sigourney Weaver is decent, Ned Beatty is okay, Robin Wright is boring, and Ice Cube is totally boring (the two wives are utterly forgettable). I suppose the ending is designed to keep you asking questions, but the only question I have is, "Why?"

The Dark Knight

I thought the first one was good. I thought the first Burton one with Nicholson was good. Then I saw this film. Holy shit is this an thrillingly entertaining, excellently made superhero film. If all superhero films were this good Hollywood would only be making superhero films.

Batman Begins
½

Dark and cool, just the way a Batman flick should be. Fuck all that kiddie horseshit that Val Kilmer and George Clooney brought to the previous franchise, Nolan has excised all that garbage and created a brooding mature film for adults who grew up loving these characters. A better film probably could not have been made, and then they made the second one.

Batman Returns

Dark, but a little dull. Trading Basinger was a good idea, but Pfeiffer wasn't much of a trade. Danny DeVito is good as a snarling little beast monster, but the rest of the cast is basically boring, especially Walken who's completely wasted. Watch the first one, and then skip to the Chris Nolan flicks, you'll thank me.

Batman
Batman(1989)
½

Tim Burton used to make really good films, now he's just really good at falling on his face, in dogshit. Nicholson puts enough ... Nicholson into the Joker to make him his own while still remaining as freaky and crazy as the Joker needs to be. Kim Basinger is in just enough of the film to make her character make sense without dominating everything with her inept stupidity and inability. I remember thinking Michael Keaton was a terrible choice for Batman, but he made it work for exactly one film. Batman 2 however...

The Mask
The Mask(1994)
½

Jim Carrey used to make such fun films, but everything died just after he made Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (brilliant, by the way). Thankfully, this film was made well before, so it's highly watchable, quite funny, and very cool. Also, Cameron Diaz when she had long hair and worked on screen.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
½

Easily my favorite JIm Carrey movie, made back when he reached all the way down to his toes to grab at the funny to be thrown in your face. This movie is fucking hysterical, there is no other honestly accurate way to describe it. Pure hilarity from beginning to end. Comedic genius.

Dumb and Dumber

Right up there with Ace Ventura as far as insane comedy goes. I once heard Jeff Daniels complain that after more than a decade in the film industry he'd flushed his career down the shitter with this film. He is, and ever will be, a moron. This film is the greatest thing he's done with his career. He did very little before, and has done basically nothing since. This is what screwball comedy should be, fuck Super Bad, this movie kicks the ass off of it.

Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas

The inner eight-year-old in my head loves to hate the shit out of this movie. And what was the insult on top of the injury? It premiered on my fucking birthday. Fuck you, Ron Howard, you fucking clown. The Fonz is looking for you, and he's fucking pissed.

The Number 23

It's so common a Hollywood cliche at this point that they should make a movie about the movie that promises so much and delivers so little. This is that movie, unfortunately, again. It starts out with such a cool weird idea, and ultimately it ends up doing ... not much at all.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

Brilliant, excellent, Jim Carrey's most superb execution, Kate Winslet actually manages to be decently watchable, Mark Ruffalo gets stoned and bangs Kirsten Dunst (awesome!), and Elijah Wood is all the smarmy perverted prick we've so knowingly assumed he's secretly been all along. Plus, it's just so fucking watchable, whether you haven't seen it before, or watched it twenty times; it runs like a top no matter how many times you've been through it. Unfortunately for him and us, at some point five or so minutes after finishing this film Jim Carrey gave up on a career of dramatic roles and slid back into garbage like Fun with Dick and Jane (what a piece of shit) and Yes Man (which I refuse to watch because I can taste the suck a mile away). Watch with superbly extreme enjoyment and pleasure.

Man on the Moon
½

The second of Jim Carrey's serious dramatic role trilogy. Whether you like or even know anything about Andy Kaufman is irrelevant as this film is simply solid enough for anyone to enjoy. Jim Carrey's performance is stellar, the script is well written, acted, and directed (starring Paul Giamatti and Danny DeVito, duh...). The only low point is Courtney Love's inclusion, though she's actually not all that bad, and certainly doesn't taint the film like she does in the Larry Flint biopic. Watch with extreme enjoyment.

The Truman Show

Once upon a time it looked as if Jim Carrey were ripe to make the leap from comedy to dramatic actor. His work in this film signaled the beginning of this shift, a shift which led to brilliant performances in Man on the Moon and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Unfortunately it seems rather clear that he gave up at some point after that. That's a shame, but this film is no less fantastic. Watch with extreme pleasure.

Me, Myself & Irene

Jim Carrey used to make really funny movies, this was a late-comer, but it's nearly every bit as funny as his earlier work, and it beat the shit out of basically everything he's done since. All that and it's a Farrelly brothers' film, excellent.

Margin Call
Margin Call(2011)

This movie does such a poor job of bringing you into and up to speed with what is exactly going on, because guess what? Unless you're in the middle of it, making the money, tweaking out on the rush, trading is just really complex math, and math is fucking boring, so it has to be dumbed down the point of an aneurism inducing "entertainment coma" like this movie. A movie that should have had the tagline, "How many times can they say, 'Fuck me,'?" because I think someone decided to go for the record. That, and they never seem to really get to the heart of what happened in 2008, probably because the writers and director don't have the chops to put it all together, or they just assume that their audience is pack of backyard wrestling, concussion self-inflicting idiots minus two brain cells to rub together. They're probably right, but I don't fall into that category, and neither should any real film fan. That being the case, I have a considerable amount of pet peeves when it comes to film, but one of the biggest is when a script or director or both banks on star power alone, without investing enough time and effort into character development. Isn't that what happened with Ishtar, widely considered to be the bomb of bombs? You could get away with relying on raw notoriety or screen presence and nothing else with a script that manages to average an explosion once every 45 seconds, but not if you want to make a good film. This movie makes that mistake at basically every opportunity, and only has some loud helicopter noise. To wit: Simon Baker, yes? No. I'd pay Demi Moore to wash my dishes or do my laundry, but I'm not a casting director so what the fuck do I know? I know that anyone who would hire her to do a movie these days (decades after she was even close to an idea of hot, because she was never particularly talented) should be pushed into a vat of boiling lard and forgotten (she's no Scarlett Johansson, wink wink...). Jeremy Irons is never a good choice, so his inclusion makes little to no sense; he's impotent, flat, boring, and basically worthless. Kevin Spacey is completely wasted, and even Paul Bettany could've given a little more, though he's a rare glimmer of light in this dark mess (the bridge scene is good). However, the real star here is clearly Zachary Quinto, an actor who seems to be picking up where someone like Heath Ledger left off. I suppose he has to do his fair share of weak scripts before he can play lead roles, but there will be a time soon when he will, and I'm predicting he'll be great. He'll be greater than he was in this disaster, and he's not half bad here...

Runaway Jury
Runaway Jury(2003)

I think John Cusak enjoys playing dull characters in weak films. This one isn't quite as bad as the Con Air or the one about the haunted hotel room (I don't even want to look up the name of that pile), but it's pretty awful. Rachel Weisz is as boring as ever, and Hoffman is wasted. Only Hackman is marginally interesting.

Bottle Shock
Bottle Shock(2008)

Bill Pullman's done better movies than this, yikes, but really, c'mon, you know what I mean.

Barney's Version
½

Meh. Giamatti is as good as he can be working with a script as dull as this one. Blah, blah, blah, watch something else, almost anything would be better...

Kramer vs. Kramer

Chock up another signature performance to Hoffman's stellar career.

The Graduate
The Graduate(1967)

Quintessentially brilliant, unparalleled excellence, and every other five cent word you could ever hope to remember during your SATs. This film is essentially perfect; I don't know if Hollywood broke the mold or sold it, but I'd lean towards the latter. Trying to compare anything about this film to anything about any other film is almost impossible, it's just that good.

I Heart Huckabees
½

Purely, highly overrated, unfunny, and ultimately boring.

Everything Must Go

Will Ferrell really needs to start thinking about a crossover to dramatic roles, as he completely kicks the shit out of this character, plot, and film, just like he did in Stranger Than Fiction. Highly entertaining and thoroughly enjoyable.

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

John C. Reilly shows us just how poorly he can do without a seriously talented comedy actor like Will Ferrell to lean against. Step Brothers, enough said.

The Social Network
½

Jesse Eisenberg typically delivers like a pitcher with a broken arm and no hands, and Andrew Garfield has bigger hair than any man need have (without an afro!), but despite the fact that this film is about Mark Zuckerberg (the richest more boring nerd in the world), it's surprisingly entertaining. Even Justin Timberlake is kind of funny as Sean Parker. Go in with very low expectations and you'll be pleasantly entertained.

The Ref
The Ref(1994)

Not the worst dumb comedy, but far from the best...

Edison (Edison Force)

Spacey must've done it for the cash...

Pay It Forward

Helen Hunt shows us that she has all the depth and ability an actor needs to play opposite a small child with no more pluses than a baby face. Kevin Spacey is completely and totally wasted in a movie with a plot so laughable it can only be followed up by Independence Day or Weekend at Bernie's, all shit films. 82% shows me how much dumb people like dumb sappy movies, watch this film and blow you nose with a pancake.

Swimming with Sharks
½

Wow, is this movie overrated. There is very little to enjoy here, even on a masochistic or Spacey-idolizing level. Frank Whaley shows us exactly why he was in Pulp Fiction for like seven minutes before Sammy Jackson caps his ass off, because he just isn't all that great an actor (though he was a decent Robby Krieger).

Seven (Se7en)

Fincher's first brilliant film, Brad Pitt before his head swelled to epic proportions, and Morgan Freeman doing his thing, being a badass. Also, Kevin Spacey personifies evil. He's not quite in Javier Bardem/Anton Chigurh territory, but he's damn close. Honorable mention to R. Lee Ermey as the captain, solid delivery and a very decent performance from a guy who is not an actor in any way whatsoever.

L.A. Confidential

Over-hyped pseudo noir featuring a great performance from Guy Pearce, as decent a performance from Russell Crowe as can be expected, a rather impotent performance from Kevin Spacey, and basically nothing but tits in tight dresses from Basinger, an actress that no one ever needs to see do anything. She's just as worthless in this film as in any other she's ever made, and all I can think is that I wish she hadn't overcome her "agoraphobia" to start making movies again. This is certainly an entertaining film, but a real gritty crime noir it is not.

K-PAX
K-PAX(2001)
½

Starts out very decently and then goes absolutely nowhere. Jeff Bridges puts about as much effort into this as his CGI alter ego did in the new Tron. Also, Mary McCormack, enough said...

The Shipping News

It's not a great film, but it's better than most of what Hollywood turns out on a daily basis. Also, Kevin Spacey is obviously a far better actor than 99% of Hollywood.

Beyond the Sea

Pinch your nose or you might get hurt, it's gonna get stinky.

21
21(2008)

Kevin, why? This movie is a piece of dogshit.

Horrible Bosses

Got about halfway through and decided this is not how screwball comedy should be made. Anchorman and Step Brothers were both far superior...

Drowning Mona

Probably the most underrated comedy of all time. If you hate Bette Midler and love William Fichtner, this film is for you. Excellent, just excellently hysterically hilarious. A town full of Yugos? Yes, a town full of Yugos.

Albino Alligator
½

Kevin Spacey has directed exactly two films, this is the first, and the only one you need to watch. William Fichtner is about the most underrated actor working today, and he's brilliant in this film. Also, Viggo Mortensen made this film before he was Aragorn, or a born again rock star, so he's also very very good.

Shrink
Shrink(2009)

Fuck all the reviewers who could never appreciate this film, it was great. Spacey is at his normal level of fantastic. Dallas Roberts personifies what being an LA producer does to people, replete with neurosis and paranoia. Mark Webber is much better than he normally is, a character you really want to sympathize with. But the true genius of the film is the way in which Jesse Piemons, an otherwise completely unknown quantity, lock, stock, and fucking barrel so easily steals every second he's on the screen. That being said, Keke Palmer needs to retire, she's about as deep as a blow-up kiddie pool, but thankfully she's not at the center of a lot of the film, and even when she is, her lines are thankfully short.

Catch Me If You Can

Frank Abagnale was a genius of the rarest form, and this film is a testament to his abilities. Despite Hanks' inclusion, this is a highly entertaining film. DiCaprio gives us glimpses of the versatility and depth as a character actor he would employ later in the Aviator, among other great films. Exciting and highly entertaining all the way around, with hats off to Walken and Sheen for their small but memorable parts.

Death Race 2000

"You know, Myra, some people might think you're cute. But me, I think you're one very large baked potato."

Snatch
Snatch(2001)
½

Hilariously quick witted and incredibly entertaining, this is what comedy should strive for, fuck American Pie, this is a funny film.

The Usual Suspects

Why this film doesn't have a 100% rating is a testament to that small group of dumb asses who think that just watching a bunch of films, like Quentin Tarantino, makes them some kind of experts. Maybe this film is just too complicated for them to get stoned, or drunk, or both, to enjoy. It's brilliant, fascinating, well acted, superbly directed, and ultimately just excellent. -Kobayashi

GoodFellas
GoodFellas(1990)

This is Martin Scorsese at his quintessential best. Everything before this was prologue and everything after is postscript. This is it, easily the best gangster film ever made, bar none. It's better than the Godfather and Scarface combined. It beats the absolute mother fucking shit out of every bullshit mediocre 70's exploitation ripoff Tarantino has ever fumbled his way through, right down the fucking drain. De Niro is excellent. Pesci is even better. Scorsese is genius.

Road to Perdition

Sam Mendes hit a walk-on grand slam with American Beauty, his first film. Then he cast Tom FUCKING Hanks, as a FUCKING hitman? Yes, but why? Because he actually isn't all that great a film maker, obviously. I guess American Beauty was beginner's luck, because this movie really FUCKING sucks.

Gangs of New York

This might be Scorsese's most underrated film, and the reason why he won the Oscar for his sparkling turd of utter embarrassment, the Departed. Hey, it's not his fault the Academy is a poorly assembled motley mess of octogenarians, blind fumbling codgers, and Liza Minelli fans; they always fuck up and award the award one or two or three movies too late. Fuck, they waited until Hitchcock was half-dead before they finally gave him a bullshit throw-away "Lifetime Achievement" award, and he was a god damn certified fucking genius, but I digress. This film is excellent, don't listen to the naysayers and philistines below, watch it, enjoy it, and watch it again.

The Aviator
The Aviator(2004)
½

Everything There Will Be Blood wishes it could have captured and didn't, because this film spends nearly three hours examining the life of an actual person. Not Scorsese's or even DiCaprio's best, or even their best together, but this is still a very watchable and interesting film. Bonus points for Alan Alda's small but highly entertaining part; the congressional testimony scene is brilliant.

Shame
Shame(2011)

He fucks some chicks, sees his sister naked, fucks some more chicks, spanks the monkey a couple of times, talks shit, and then it's over with the plot somehow ending before it even began to begin: porn minus the moneyshot.

Marvel's The Avengers
½

After the trifecta of insta-bombs: Thor, Captain America, and Hulk, Marvel needed to ensure they'd hit a homerun with their Avengers flick. These superhero movies are never going to be considered real art or high quality cinema, but this is a very highly entertaining movie, to be sure. None of the actors do much more than they've done in their previous respective roles, but I guess bringing it all together is like boiling the soup down until just enough water is gone to make it really fucking tasty, and we get to enjoy the results on the big screen, complete with ten billion dollars worth of CGI and explosions, in 3 fucking D, mother fucker. Mother fucker. Yee-haw, mother fucker.

Captain Ron
Captain Ron(1992)

Martin Short proves he sucks and Kurt Russell proves he can't make it stop. It's unfortunate that this production didn't sink before the movie did in the theaters.

Overboard
Overboard(1987)

Solid 80's comedy goofiness, like a modest bottle of whiskey it goes down smooth enough and doesn't annihilate your wallet in the process.

Tombstone
Tombstone(1993)
½

It isn't all that historically accurate, but it sure is entertaining. Val Kilmer back when he was riding high on having been Ice Man, but way before the complete and total let down of the Saint. Kurt Russell is spot on, Michael Biehn is very decently evil, Sam Elliott is excellent, and Bill Paxton is just funny enough to make it all work. They even cast Jason Priestley as a goofy sissy whipping boy, fantastic. Billy Bob Thornton before Billy Bob was "Billy Bob" is pure brilliance.

Tango & Cash
Tango & Cash(1989)

Stallone and Russell both made better bad movies. Demolition Man and Stargate are two...

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

This piece of complete bullshit joins the ranks of movies that really never needed to have been made, right up there with King Ralph, both Weekend at Bernie's flicks, every romantic comedy starring Matthew McConaughey or a Friends cast-member, and most of Adam Sandler's last decade of atrocities.

Over the Top
Over the Top(1987)

With the exception of "Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot," this is the worst Sly movie out there to be seen, including the one porn flick he did in 1970.

Dazed and Confused

One of the funniest films ever made.

Empire Records
½

I liked this when I was in high school, then I grew up. Obviously the movie didn't change with me...

Pirate Radio (The Boat That Rocked)

Nothing if not unfocused, like a clumsy teenager after two or three beers, this is sometimes funny, often weird (though not exactly in a good way), and basically just kind of all over the place.

Almost Famous

Excellent, the airplane scene is probably the best writing Cameron Crowe has ever done, funny, angry, tragic, and climactic all at once. I wish he could make more films like this, less like We Bought a Zoo, and absolutely none starring Orlando Bloom. The 90's music movie genre was short lived, but this is certainly one of the peaks thereof.

Gone in 60 Seconds (Gone in Sixty Seconds)

Even Robert Duvall can't save this piece of shit from being nothing at all more than a substandard Nick Cage paycheck flick. Boring, very boring...

Fast & Furious

Why did I waste an hour and a half on this? Vin Diesel drips with anti-talent, and the other guy sucks, too.

The Machinist

Christian Bale at nearly his best and certainly his most thin. This is a highly odd (read: entertaining) film.

The Fighter
The Fighter(2010)

Even if you think Mark Wahlberg is a washed-up hack or a muscle-bound pretty boy chump, you'd be right, but this film is more than worth watching. Bale is as strong as ever and essentially at the absolute top of his game. Highly entertaining and thoroughly excellent.

Terminator Salvation

So, Christian Bale is in this movie, right? Yeah, that's why I watched it. Everything else about it was why I didn't like it. The flash-forward scenes in the first Terminator film were better back in 1984, even with the ten bucks they dropped on the CGI, than basically all of this "action" disaster.

Terminator 3 - Rise of the Machines

This movie was so completely unnecessary it begs the question, "Did Arnold do it to get his name in the press before running for governor of California, or just for the money?" He didn't do it for the accolades...

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

The 80's/90's action/scifi genre came to end pretty much a minute or two into the credits of this film, in a good way...

Total Recall
Total Recall(1990)

"See you at the party, Richter." Enough said.

Inglourious Basterds

Started off interesting enough given that it's a remake. I gave up during the baseball-bay-guy scene. Hopefully this means that Tarantino's finally run out of bad ideas to make into intolerable "movies." I watch five minutes of something like this and I wish he would take all his millions of dollars somewhere far away, take up a hobby like fucking antiquing or maybe bee-keeping, and just be quiet.

Kill Bill: Volume 1

Wow, this is a fucking terrible movie. Intolerable from beginning to end, and basically just nothing other than simply dumb. Uma Thurman is just as boring as all the other wastes of space in a movie about which the only thing serious is how serious a waste of time it is to watch.

Desperado
Desperado(1995)
½

This movie really doesn't beat the shit out of El Mariachi, proving a budget has a lot less to do with film-making than Rodriquez or his boyfriend Quentin Tarantino would like you to believe.

Pulp Fiction
Pulp Fiction(1994)
½

Reservoir Dogs was better, but Pulp Fiction is still better than everything else Tarantino's done.

Reservoir Dogs
½

Quentin Tarantino has made a lot of movies, but only one film.

Four Rooms
Four Rooms(1996)

The second and third rooms are great, and even the first, starring Madonna, is pretty decent (think about it, could anything involving Madonna really be all that great?). I especially enjoy the short, non-room scene, with none other than the usually ultra-boring Marisa Tomei; maybe she was actually stoned and that's how she manages to be interesting. The film crash lands on Quentin Tarantino's lack of ability to rip off Hitchcock, and not one of his films, one of his TV show episodes. Who knows if Hitchcock himself even wrote or directed that particular episode? I don't know, but then again as far as this film goes, it really doesn't matter. Skip the last .25 and you'll be happy, or don't, I really don't care. 14%, my ass, you pack of self-indulgent, self-aggrandizing, self-serving pricks. I salute you, but that doesn't make you right...

From Dusk Till Dawn

The dumbest, lamest, shittiest movie I've ever seen, Tarantino manages to make it worse only by casting himself in so central a role. The story goes that someone told him that he couldn't make a movie that switched genres midway, so he made ... this. It's not that he couldn't have, he just shouldn't have...

Jackie Brown
Jackie Brown(1997)

Unnecessary in too many ways to count, recount, or even care about. This movie sucks.

Get Shorty
Get Shorty(1995)
½

This is a seriously underrated and tremendously entertaining, genuinely very funny film. For some reason I hated Gene Hackman until I watched Get Shorty (I'd obviously not seen the Conversation at that point yet). I've never been a fan of Travolta (aside from Saturday Night Fever), Rene Russo (for obvious reasons), or even DeVito, but it's a strong script, solid direction, and excellent performances from a stellar crew of supporting characters (What? Bette Midler is actually fun to watch? In this movie, yes, she is...) that really make this film excellent.

Be Cool
Be Cool(2005)

This is why you don't make easy (read: shitty) knock-off sequels to solid films. Not one member of this "all star" cast can save it from going down in stinking, diarrhea coated... um... You get the point.

Welcome to the Rileys
½

This should really have a higher rating, but maybe that's only because I'm a Gandolfini fan. That, and by the way Kristen Stewart is far more interesting as a young stripper/hooker than as a wanna-be vampire-ette.

The Man Who Wasn't There

Probably the Coen brothers' most overrated film. I know it's trying to be a noir, but why did it need to be in black and white? Easy, it didn't. Blood Simple was a million times the noir this film was and it was in color. Billy Bob is low enough to commit crimes, but can't close the deal when Scarlett Johansson reaches for his junk? Bullshit. If you're a big Coen brothers fan then you'll want to see this, but if you're not don't waste your time.

Ghost World
Ghost World(2001)

Thora Birch after her extraordinarily overlooked and/or underrated performance in American Beauty... Scarlett Johansson before she dazzled in Lost in Translation and became a ho-hum throw away "super" hero... Plus, Steve Buscemi and even a cameo from David Cross. This film is excellent and does so much for the comic book film genre. Read the book, watch the film, and enjoy both. They are brilliant.

The Avengers
The Avengers(1998)

Right up there with Weekend at Bernie's II among the worst piece of shit movies I've ever seen.

Pleasantville

Tobey Maguire flexes his acting chops here and completely buries Jeff "I wish they would make another Dumb and Dumber that I could star in" Daniels and Reese "I was topless in the first ten minutes of Twilight starring Paul Newman and Gene Hackman" Wither...disappointment. Macy and Walsh are predictable insofar as they deliver brilliantly solid and highly entertaining performances. This is not a film to be missed.

Hot Tub Time Machine
½

Very dumb, slightly watchable, and ultimately a movie you need to be very drunk to watch with any sort of enjoyment.

Little Miss Sunshine

"What happens when you stuff a failed motivation speaker, his wife, the nation's number one Proust scholar, an elderly potty-mouthed heroin addict, a teen who's mute by choice, and a bespectacled little pageant hopeful into a mini VW bus for a three day road trip?" A SHIT FUCKING MOVIE STARRING A WANNA-BE DAKOTA FUCKING FANNING, ASSHOLE!

Garden State
Garden State(2004)

Zach Braff made this film and then his career shit the bed. Scrubs? Fuck you.

Adaptation
Adaptation(2002)

Almost as good as Being John Malkovich, though it's much more poorly written, far better acted (Chris Cooper is god.), and oddly far more satisfying on the whole. Nick Cage succeeds in his desire of staring in a film as himself twice, and being both more and less interesting than he really is. In that way, this film is brilliant. A magnificently abysmal quagmire.

Being John Malkovich

A bunch of hokey half ideas a film do not make. Most of this would have been deleted in the rewrite phase of producing a real script, but I guess the screenwriter was trying to produce a movie crammed full of half-assed, left-over, dumb ideas. If you duct tape enough of them together I guess you can fool people into thinking that you're cool, or weird, or perhaps quirky. None of these make for solid cinematic production, and neither does this ... movie.

Say Anything...

Classic 80's greatness for Crowe.

Stand by Me
Stand by Me(1986)

Stephen King is a self-aggrandizing, far too overblown hack of a pathetic piece of shit writer ("selling lots of books, making a lot of money, doing a fucking phenomenal amount of coke, makes me an artist"), but on the seldom seen off-chance that he happens to write a story minus any bullshit supernatural garbage, based on real events that he actually experienced, they are good. Unfortunately he only wrote one.

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial

The bicycle chase scene is pretty fucking smooth, but this was best watched when I was sans-pubes.

Broken Flowers
½

Murray is an old, rich, uncomfortable Casanova. What could possibly go wrong? He nails Sharon Stone decades after having done so the first time, but not before he sees her teenage daughter's bush, so ... this film is the fucking business. Pure brilliance, thanks Jim.

Stranger Than Fiction
½

Dark comedy done right, but very right.

Groundhog Day

Back when Bill Murray made really really funny comedies. He's since graduated (from time to time) to more serious roles, but this is a classic of nearly unsurpassed quality. And it even has Chris Elliott!

Ghostbusters 2

Wow, this didn't live up to the original in any way that might even be possible. Paychecks all around, gentlemen, and the script be damned!

Men in Black
Men in Black(1997)
½

This was entertaining when I was a newly graduated moron straight out of shit-head academy (high school). Now that I actually have a mind of my own, I know that it's utter garbage.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
½

Just odd enough to begin to make me forget that I was watching Michael Cera act like a little fucking pansy, again. It kind of gives me that impending purge feeling but Kieran Culkin really steals this one as the uber-gay roommate. Plus all the anti-superhero build up stuff is pretty funny. This isn't as weird in a good way as Super, or as ultimately well written and just good as Juno, or as funny as basically every other comedy that came before it, but it was entertaining, so I have to give it that much credit. Watching it baked would probably help as well.

Super Troopers
½

Funny at times, dumb at others. Watch it stoned, or drunk, or both, or just not at all.

King Kong
King Kong(2005)
½

Avatar, before Avatar, with a big-ass CGI gorilla and ... Jack Black? Fuck you.

Avatar
Avatar(2009)

A bunch of corporate pricks try to steal natural resources from another bunch of pseudo-native Americans and a lot of stuff explodes, plus CGI! James Cameron is a piece of shit. Taking a dump in your pants is a marginal substitute for the feeling this pile leaves you with. Watch it for your kids sake, but not for your own...

Pariah
Pariah(2011)

"Pulsing with authenticity," says the review, but where exactly was it? I think people tend to be impressed by things they think are happening but that they don't see because of the walls they construct around themselves, or the boundaries they hide behind. Just because someone makes a film about something that is a little different and perhaps hard for certain segments of society to "come to terms with" doesn't mean that that film is well made. Just because there are young black lesbians in the world doesn't mean that a film about them is authentic. This film suffers from a serious lack of character development, a plot that is unsurpassed in its blatant, rampant, extraordinarily transparent predictability, and basically just a story that relies on the shock value of "in-your-face" sexuality (while not being all that sexual...) with little or no real substance to back it up. Perhaps the fact that this film is based upon the director's own life situation pushes it toward the unknowable, like a (bad) poem about the one person the poet knows all too well, full of inside jokes, personal experiences under-explained, and situation you have to be a part of to really connect with. Ultimately, it tries really hard to be personal, and completely fails to make you a part of its pseudo-innocence and uncomplicated, shallow depth.

Moneyball
Moneyball(2011)

Definitely an entertaining film, and I'm not in any way a fan of baseball or any other sport. Brad Pitt shows us that he actually is capable of doing a good job with a decent character who's not Tyler Durden. Jonah Hill is the only strike in this film, as he has all the screen presence of a can of dip, but that's Hill's general M.O.. However, he and Pitt are able to muster and maintain enough screen chemistry to move you through all the potential train wreck scenes Hill alone would have annihilated. I'm just disappointed that I didn't get to see more Philip Seymour Hoffman, or even Robin Wright a little more.

Lost Highway
Lost Highway(1997)
½

Pseudo-cool, but pretty dumb almost all the way through, and the addition of Pullman "of-no-talent" wasn't the brightest casting decision, Dave.

Eraserhead
Eraserhead(1977)

If you want to be so desperately confused and thoroughly disorganized that shitting in your hands seems completely rational by comparison, of if you want to watch something completely so completely unintelligible that you understand it much better before you've actually watched it, or need something to entertain you while to finish off the last eight tabs of acid you've been holding on to, watch this ... film?

Blue Velvet
Blue Velvet(1986)

"Heineken? Fuck that shit. Pabst! Blue! Ribbon!"

Mulholland Drive

Brilliant, and essentially the only Lynch film I can tolerate. It makes sense if you concentrate, and the cast of characters runs the gamut from humorously odd to completely fucking twisted infini-weird.

Eyes Wide Shut

If you like most of what Hollywood's turning out these days, don't watch this film. If you like most of Tom Cruise's movies, Nicole Kidman's movies, or the movies they did together, don't watch this film. If you require epileptic fit inducing stimulation and jump cuts to stay engaged in a movie, don't watch this film. On the other hand, if you enjoy mood filled cinema, sympathizing with a sort of everyman who finds himself very out of place, and basically just a slowly twisting and turning plot, watch this film. Then go out and get every other film Kubrick ever made, because they're all brilliant.

A Few Good Men
½

Don't be fooled by the hype and soundbite, this is hands down Kiefer Sutherland's signature performance. Kevin Pollak is wasted, but aside from Usual Suspects he's never really been cast properly (watch the train wreck that is Indian Summer if you disagree). Kevin Bacon does nothing, Nicholson is Nicholson, and Demi Moore wears way too much clothing. Bonus points for spotting Noah Wylie...

Far and Away
Far and Away(1992)
½

Standard paycheck flick for Cruise, thought the fight scenes with Colm Meany being an uber-Irish-badass are pretty funny. Could've cut about forty-five minutes out of the plot, but it's not that bad. Cruise even spits in the face of the schwanz from Dharma & Greg.

Days of Thunder
½

This is a pretty dumb movie, but Duvall does the best with what he has, drinking moonshine with pseudo-cop stripers. Plus, Michael Rooker is every bit as psychopathic as his beady little crazy eyes always make him look. That, and ... yeah, race cars...

Rain Man
Rain Man(1988)

Back before he completely lost his mind, Tom Cruise was in good films, but Dustin Hoffman does an excellent job of completely dominating this one. I was going to say that this was Cruise's last good film, but then I realized he went directly from Rain Man to Cocktail, tits.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
½

This was utter shit, and about as curious as a pile of shit on your doorstep: you'd gladly forgo the mystery of the whole situation if it would just go away. The only curious thing about this dump of a flick is why so many people liked it.

Forrest Gump
Forrest Gump(1994)

Nostalgia porn for baby-boomers, if you were born in the fifties (or know anything about music) you should enjoy (some of) the soundtrack. The story is laughable at best and basically unwatchable at worst. Anything that makes old people feel comfortable is essentially repellent. Forrest Gump, a moron who fumbles his way through life to become a successful businessman and father. No.

The Terminal
The Terminal(2004)
½

Predictably sappy and mildly interesting in a dumb silly kind of way. Forrest Gump was better, and that's very little to be proud of.

Big
Big(1988)

Back when Hanks actually worked at it he was a reasonably decent actor. Unfortunately his performance in this film went directly to his ego, and he decided being a comedy actor wasn't good enough for him any longer. This is a charming film with characters that are very easy to care about. Highly entertaining...

Singles
Singles(1992)

The story is fairly predictable, but the characters are loveable and it's all set against the 90's grunge music explosion. It's not Crowe's best, but it's far from his worst...

District 9
District 9(2009)
½

This was a real unexpected gem for me, not to say I don't enjoy scifi flicks, but I went into this expecting very little. Where to begin with a film this good? It's got everything anyone could ask for from this kind of film: action, humor, a strong plot, an excellent climax, and interestingly lovable characters. It's just a really great film.

We Bought a Zoo
½

Cameron, what happened? You used to make highly entertaining films with engaging scripts and strong performances by unappreciated and underrated actors. Now you only seem interested in vaguely watchable feel-good flicks staring who ever is the biggest box office draw. That being said, this movie isn't all that bad, but the problem is it isn't all that good either. Matt Damon is, Matt Damon, sugar-coated fake smiles and all, Scarlett Johansson is essentially wasted, and Thomas Haden Church is just boring. The plot is like a breaking down roller coaster that seems to go on forever, coasting on mediocre momentum, never really thrilling with what are supposed to be interesting developments, and finally ending right where you knew it would. All in all, pretty boring...

Pineapple Express

Just as bad as I expected it to be...

Superbad
Superbad(2007)

Holy shit am I tired of watching movies starring Michael Cera as a pansy little prissy fuck. This "movie" is a piece of shit. Fuck you Jonah Hill, you suck. Fuck you Michael Cera, you really suck. But mostly, fuck you Seth Rogen, you wrote this script when you were 13; it shows. Even the genius of Bill Hadar couldn't save this fucking miserable train wreck. I've laughed more during Holocaust documentaires...

The Breakfast Club

An 80's classic, and John Hughes' masterpiece.

Adventures in Babysitting

Classic 80's throw-away comedy...

The Descendants

Pseudo-feel good drama about a family in crisis. This is in no way a purely paycheck movie for Clooney, but it hardly deserves a 90% rating (it's rating when I wrote this, and I'm glad to see it dropped if only by one percentage point). What I see happening is Hollywood defining itself with a new standard of films that are far inferior to those made in the past. This isn't a really great movie, but it's good enough for the modern audience, the modern audience that doesn't have a fucking clue what cinema is supposed to be. I don't expect Citizen Kane every time I turn on a new film, but I expect more than this movie delivered.

Sideways
Sideways(2004)

Giamatti's signature performance and proof that my assessment of his charm is correct: he is always good when he walks the line between anger and neurosis. Thomas Church is brilliantly cast in his role. The one negative in my mind is the slightly high number of music montages. However, every Hollywood film is packed-full of time compression techniques these days, so at least these are done well. This is the kind of film I like to watch once about every six months or so, and it never lets me down.

Bottle Rocket
½

The kind of film Hollywood hates, one which has nothing to do with Hollywood and is thoroughly entertaining. Unfortunately, Hollywood has no idea that no Hollywood filmmaker has the balls to pull off a film of this caliber.

Cyrus
Cyrus(2010)
½

Guess what? Jonah Hill has no screen presence, even if Marisa Tomei is his mom. John C. Reilly works his ass off to do basically anything with this pile of crap, and his performance is admirable, but not quite enough. This is a dull flick, unfortunately, though fortunately we know exactly who to blame: Jonah "Enormous Waste of Space" Hill.

In Time
In Time(2011)
½

Cool idea, so so execution, way too fast. It's too bad, this could have been a really cool movie.

North by Northwest

I'm a Hitchcock fan, but I thought this film was far inferior to a lot of Alfred's other work, namely Rear Window, which is easily a masterpiece.

Hard Candy
Hard Candy(2006)
½

What was this supposed to be? I don't know, but I couldn't finish it...

Brick
Brick(2006)
½

Meh, I had high hopes for this one, and it's good, but it's not great. You can really see that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was (and did) going to go on to make some really great films.

Chinatown
Chinatown(1974)

Pure genius, one of the best films ever made. Polanski is genius, Nicholson is genius, even Faye Dunaway is highly watchable in this film. Brilliant.

Touch of Evil

Hollywood doesn't make films like this anymore because it doesn't produce directors like Orson Welles anymore. Hollywood is dead, but then again, unfortunately so is Welles.

Citizen Kane
Citizen Kane(1941)

The best film ever made, period.

The Beaver
The Beaver(2011)

As soon as the beaver spoke, I turned it off. What the fuck is this shit supposed to be, and how could anyone ever watch long enough to know? Who cares?

Punch-Drunk Love

Pure brilliance. Adam Sandler's signature performance and easily Paul Thomas Anderson's strongest film. Beautifully written, shot, and executed, this is the kind of film that people for the dumbest reasons don't like, and don't understand because they're too used to the silly-funny antics of Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. Those are funny movies, but this is a cinematic masterpiece.

There Will Be Blood

Why make a two hour, thirty-eight minute bio-pic about a man who never existed? Because Paul Thomas Anderson will always have to follow greatness with mediocrity. I guess that's what keeps him on his toes, but unfortunately we're the one who have to suffer through needless shit like this movie. Daniel Day-Lewis is amazing, but then again, when isn't he amazing? I'd rather watch Gangs of New York about a hundred times in a row than sit through this travesty again.

Up in the Air

Easily Clooney's best film in a long time, and that includes a lot of the crap he's done since this one. The story is great and Clooney gives a performance far better than one can expect from him regularly. Skip all that Ocean's horseshit and watch this film, you can thank me afterward.

Michael Clayton

A movie in which everyone talks about how amazing George Clooney's character is, while he stands around nodding and doing absolutely nothing. This movie sucked, it was boring, like watching a tree blowing in the wind for two hours. Skip it.

The 40 Year Old Virgin

Pretty much total shit. Paul Rudd is wasted and Seth Rogen is the definition of boredom. Since when does a couple of fat stoners and one psycho make a comedy? Complete bullshit. I'm going to go watch Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and laugh with conviction. Seth Rogen, please finally have enough money to invest in the amount of weed one needs to smoke in order to render his/her brain completely inoperable. Jonah Hill, kill yourself, you suck.

Funny People
Funny People(2009)

Adam Sandler manages not to fuck up this very decent dark comedy, and while Rogen tries he manages not to fuck it up either. I could have done without Jonah Hill, but Jason Schwartzman was really good, really funny, in his two or three scenes. Unfortunately Sandler is clearly taking lessons from the Jim Carrey school of career management and couldn't be bothered to continue making strong pieces of cinema. So Funny People becomes a briefly decent bright spot in the middle of a slide from the pinnacle genius of his performance in Paul Thomas Anderson's Punch Drunk Love and the powerful emotion of Reign Over Me, down to the dregs of crap, pay-check flicks like Just Go With It and Jack & Jill, the last of which I didn't even bother to watch. If Sandler's not going to try, why should we? This film was panned for being too long, but the story is there, so download the full version if you can. It's worth the watch, even if most of Sandler's other recent films aren't.

Submarine
Submarine(2011)

Genius, brilliant, beautiful, hilarious, excellent. This is the best film I've seen in five years at least. Fuck that American Pie horseshit, this is what growing up and high school are like. Painful, fun, and ridiculous all at the same time, and everything that means everything to you eventually becomes a memory that makes you smile and shrug your shoulders every once in a while after your 38th birthday.

The Big Lebowski

One of the funniest films ever made, and easily in the top three of the Coen brothers' with Blood Simple and O Brother Where Art Thou. For some reason these days Lebowski is considered a cult classic, but that couldn't be a less accurate description, as this film isn't nearly weird enough and far too popular and accessible to qualify for cult status. It's not a cult movie, because it's too good to be one.

Contagion
Contagion(2011)
½

This wasn't any better than it was the first time I saw it in 1995 when it was called Outbreak. It's essentially the same movie, but with much less character development and virtually no plot. Long story short, Soderbergh drops another turd for the American cinematic audience, so don't waste your time.

Midnight in Paris

Allow me first to preface this review with the simple truth that I loathe Woody Allen. That being said, I thought that this movie started very well, and then went absolutely no where. The impression I got during the first half was of a funny and interesting, and extremely well cast film. Unfortunately Allen, these days, seems to have succumbed to the lure of being cute, instead of being solid, so what we end up with is a cute idea, that begins well and falls flat on its fucking face. This silly and slightly crappy ... movie, not film, just simply runs out of steam about three quarters of the way through, and falls off a cliff of goofy, "Ernest Goes to Camp"-ish, mini wrap-up scenes, before it just ... stops. See it if you must, but don't pay.

The Hudsucker Proxy

I've tried and failed to sit through this entire movie more times than I can remember. Robbins is a weak actor, Newman is wasted, and the script is just ... dumb.

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Simply excellent, and easily up in the top three best Coen brothers' films with Blood Simple and the Big Lebowski.

Burn After Reading

Easily the Coen brothers' weakest film. Brad Pitt is a little funny, but mostly annoying. Clooney is much better in Intolerable Cruelty. McDormand is just as good as she always is, the Coen brothers' rock.

Wake Up, Ron Burgundy: The Lost Movie

Not as funny as the original, but the fact that they shot enough footage to make two movies with the Anchorman script tells you why Anchorman was so funny.

U-Turn
U-Turn(1997)

Oliver Stone, Sean Penn, and ... ugh ... Jennifer Lopez (to say nothing of total zeroes Claire Danes and Joaquin Phoenix) team up to make one of the worst pieces of shit you will ever wish you hadn't wasted three bucks on at the rental shop. Skip this pile of donkey shit and just watch a couple old episodes of My So-Called Life or something, even that trite crap is better than this vomit.

Hurlyburly
Hurlyburly(1998)

This film contains some quintessential performances by Penn and Spacey, and even serves to redeem seriously second and third tier actors like Chazz Palminteri (level two) and Robin Wright, Garry Shandling, and even Meg Ryan (level three). All that and Anna Paquin plays basically a coked up run-away underage hooker. This film has basically everything you could want to see about a bunch of drug-addled, complete misogynistic prick, Hollywood scumbag producers. Brilliant.

The Pledge
The Pledge(2001)

Jack Nicholson stars in a movie starring Jack Nicholson with a mustache. That's basically what happens in this one which shows us why Penn belongs in front of the camera, instead of behind it.

Something's Gotta Give

For some reason Diane Keaton waited until she was old, unattractive, and sagging everywhere (I'm talking ass-cheeks that slap off her hamstrings saggy) to do a nude scene. Some critics called it empowering, I call it regurgitative, but whatever you call it, it was completely unnecessary. Also, the plot of this movie is only so-so. Amanda Peet is predictably boring, and Keanu reminds us why he's best left to flicks like Speed and the Matrix. Nicholson is Nicholson is Nicholson...

Anger Management

Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler have made some bad movies, but this time they made one together. This is complete shit.

The Bucket List
½

This wasn't great, but it was worth watching if for no other reason than to enjoy Nicholson and Freeman on screen being Nicholson and Freeman on screen.

Apocalypse Now
½

This is far more the story of one man's decent into psychosis and psychological trauma than a straight up war film, but maybe that's it's strength. Then again, it also has no basis in reality. While Duvall's antics make for a captivating screen presence and the funniest scene in the film, nothing he does is in the least bit believable. War is chaos, but this film is war-anarchy. I would suggest reading Heart of Darkness first, and watching this film second, or you'll just be let down...

X-Men: First Class
½

With a weak plot, inept direction, and flat performances from it's mind-numbingly boring cast, X-Men: First Class is an unfortunate repetition for the franchise that hasn't produced a single decent film in over a decade.

Green Lantern
½

At least it didn't take itself 100% seriously...

The Color of Money

Among Scorsese's best films, along sides giants like Goodfellas and Taxi Driver. This is the kind of film Tom Cruise was in when he was still a reasonably serious actor (along with Rain Man). Newman, with absolutely no uncertainty whatsoever, steals the film from underneath Cruise, but that's the whole point. Brilliant.

Blow
Blow(2001)

It peters out at the end, but as with real life, it goes on despite the fact that the best part of the story ends. Highly entertaining and captivating, for at least the first two acts.

Blood Diamond
½

This was a lot better than I thought it was going to be, and while it's far from a great film or even DiCaprio's best, it's highly watchable. Djimon Hounsou steals the screen every chance he gets, which tends to be his acting modus operandi. So long as you go into this one with low expectations you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Hotel Rwanda
Hotel Rwanda(2004)

This movie needed to be made, but it didn't need to be made so poorly. Cheadle's brilliance as an actor is wasted on the incredibly weak cinematography and second tier performances. Watch it for the subject matter, not the execution.

Schindler's List

Exceptionally overrated, watch the Pianist instead. You're welcome.

The Hurt Locker

The academy partially redeemed itself for its crime of 1994 (Forrest Gump is a better film than the Shawshank Redemption? no...) by voting this film of the year and awarding Bigelow director of the year, instead of giving the Oscars to bullshit Cameron and bullshit Avatar (fake environmental tall-smurf fest...). This film is an excellent modern addition to the war film genre. Mackie and Renner make for an extremely effective partnership, however unlikely; that's just one of the fantastic developmental elements of this film. Watch it and figure out what the rest are, you will not be disappointed.

Platoon
Platoon(1986)

Olver Stone's "biographical" Vietnam War film suffers from the fact that it's more about military politics and in-fighting than the actual war. Plus, this film is plagued by the fact that no one actor here has the screen presence or ability to take the lead, so the script compromises with Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen is a shit actor, enough said. Full Metal Jacket does a much better job of reflecting the horror of two sides of war, the difficulty of training and the abject suffering and misery of war. Also, Stone couldn't wipe Kubrick's ass...

Full Metal Jacket

Probably the best modern war film, on par with historically brilliant films like Tora Tora Tora, the Longest Day, and Patton, yet modern and gritty in all the ways that the Thin Red Line traded for cinematic beauty. Plus, Kubrick is a million times the director Oliver Stone is, so this film ends up far superior to the abject failure of Platoon, a joke compared to FMJ. R. Lee Ermey completely steals the first half of the film, his performance is unparalleled and untouchable. Pure genius.

The Thin Red Line

Only a genius like Malick could make the most beautiful war film of all time. Superbly acted by Sean Penn, Adrien Brody, and James Caviezel, and brilliantly directed by Terence Malick. Life continues in the face and depths of war despite the best efforts of man to destroy the natural world and ourselves with it.

Teenage Paparazzo

Solid doc. Well made, interesting, and engaging, though it runs out of steam toward the end when it gets sappy-touchy-feely. Also, this kid's mom should be doing ads for Valium, Zoloft, and Xanax because the bitch is living on another plane.

Control
Control(2007)

Evocative, powerful, and singularly brilliant, just like Joy Division's music.

24 Hour Party People

Interesting, funny, and very well made with a dearth of weak performances. This is the second best film made about Joy Division (or at least involving them), and a must see for any person who listens to good music. If, on the other hand, you listen to contemporary pop, kill yourself.

Twin Falls Idaho

This film is more like a daydream shared between two brothers than a film. The conjoined twins appear, they walk around all day on Halloween acting normal, and the end is as predictable as an ending can be. Who is giving this flop good reviews? If you want to fall asleep watching a movie, watch this piece of crap...

Super
Super(2011)
½

It's hard to know how to feel about this film. I have always loved movies with really uncomfortable plots, so it makes sense to me that people wouldn't like this one, but it's much better than its current 46% rating. I don't know if Rainn Wilson will ever grow out of the whole Dwight Schrute typecasting, and while he's not much more than that very uncomfortable character in this film, this film is still good. Ellen Page, likewise, is Ellen Page, but the two characters are well acted and really work together. I've read that the filmmakers wanted to make a film about what would really happen if a regular person decided to try and be a superhero, and succeeded. So while you probably won't finish this film feeling good about it, it's certainly entertaining and kicks the ass off of other comedy/pseudo-action films, especially because of the realism force fed the viewer in the back half of the film.

The Adjustment Bureau
½

I haven't seen Matt Damon give an even half decent performance since Good Will Hunting, but this film was surprisingly well done. Perhaps it's the fact that Damon was helped by strong supporting characters very well acted by John Slattery, Terence Stamp, and particularly by Anthony Mackie, or maybe it comes from the fact that Emily Blunt is just the right balance between first mysterious, then cavalier, and finally damn captivating. Whatever it is, I went into this film with below average expectations, because really, what can you expect from a Matt Damon film? Like knowing a house will survive an earthquake when it's built upon a solid foundation, you can expect a lot of film when the original story is written by a master scifi author like Phillip Dick, and to be honest Damon actually isn't half bad in this.

Super 8
Super 8(2011)

A boring flick about a bunch of dumb-ass kids being dumb-ass kids. I made it through about the first third and gave up. There is nothing worth watching here, and the only exceptional aspect of this mess is how exceptionally fast the "funny" fat kid gets boring. Every other character is just pure shit from the get-go. If you want to watch a bunch of children goofing around in front of the camera dust off your copy of the Goonies.

Win Win
Win Win(2011)
½

Entertaining, certainly not Giamatti's best, but a decent enough flick. Predictably heartwarming and all that crap, but still very much worth watching.

Detour
Detour(1945)

The best of the poverty-row quickies, this is noir at it's most existential. If you're a noir fan and you haven't seen this film, then you're simply not a noir fan yet.

Twelve Monkeys (12 Monkeys)

If you haven't seen/want to see this film, do yourself a favor and search "La Jetee" on Google Videos. You're welcome.

Dark City
Dark City(1998)

Extremely overrated and dumb. The Twilight Zone was pumping out more interesting shows with basically the same plot on TV in black and white in the 50's and 60's. All this film has is some sort of bullshit tacked on scifi angle that's dumb, minus any kind of development or interesting characters. The title sums it up perfectly, it's set in a city that's dark, ooooooo...

Blade Runner
Blade Runner(1982)

Futuristic dystopian nightmare world at its absolute best, plus it's French New Wave influenced. Science-fiction doesn't get better than this, unless you're reading it. If you're into scifi and you haven't seen this film then, sorry, but you're not into scifi.

American Beauty

The best film Hollywood made in the 90's, bar none. It's difficult to believe this is Mendes' first film, and that he went on to do so very little afterward. Spacey gives a quintessentially magnificent performance, and the story is perfect, for lack of a better word. I always complain that Hollywood mixes genres and age group demographics far too often (in an attempt to maximize profits, no doubt), but in this film it actually works. Characters in both age groups are believable, interesting, and enjoyable to sympathize with.

Cinderella Man

I've never been a huge Crowe fan, but this is just simply a really good story. In a time when Hollywood is strip-mining American history for absolutely any possible story they can get their hands on, and then ruin, they've actually done a decent job here. Rene Zellweger is predictably boring, but Crowe manages to be just charming enough to pull this off, and Giamatti is as great as ever.

Cold Souls
Cold Souls(2009)

Funny, weird, and perfect for an actor like Giamatti who is best when he's completely neurotic. He supposedly plays himself, but there's clearly a lot more going on in this film than just an actor being himself. I've read reviews comparing Cold Souls to Being John Malkovich, and while there are parallels, BJM isn't half the film this is in exactly the same way Malkovich isn't half the actor Giamatti is.

Ironclad
Ironclad(2011)

Garbage, couldn't even finish it. I hope Giamatti got paid a shitload, because that's the only reason he should've done this bomb.

127 Hours
127 Hours(2010)
½

Seems to me that this could've been a lot better.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Hollywood used to make really really good films and hasn't made one this good basically since they made this one.

Brokeback Mountain

Breathtakingly excellent, poignant, and tender, though I'm not quite sure why the description above calls it a Western. It's set in the Western United States, but aside from the actors wearing cowboy hats and jeans it doesn't contain even a single Western conceit.

The Italian Job

This film so did not need to be made as no one involved could ever even hope to try to outdo the original.

Ocean's Thirteen

Why this nightmare had to be made I will never know.

Mission: Impossible

It was fun way back when, but I doubt I'd watch it again.

Fantastic Four

Jessica Alba is a very boring Scarlett Johansson with neither the talent, nor, ultimately, the sex appeal. The movie is as boring as they (superhero movies) come, right up there with the Phantom, Daredevil, and Elektra.

Ghostbusters (1984 Original)
½

Genius, pure unadulterated genius. Murray's done plenty since, but Aykroyd and Ramis wish they were still making films like this. The plot is hysterically original and the jokes are excellent. This is a quintessential eighties comedy.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

Rick Moranis, why don't you just shoot yourself and save the world the trouble?

Back to the Future

Michael J. Fox wishes he could have been in more films like this one, and Zemeckis wishes he could have directed some of them.

Sister Act
Sister Act(1992)

Whoopi has never been funny.

Independence Day

Will Smith...I vomit...Will Smith. I vomit a second time. Watch this film if you've had too much to drink and don't like sticking your finger down your throat.

I Am Legend
I Am Legend(2007)

Not interesting enough to keep me awake. Will Smith is like the coat of paint that never fucking dries.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace
½

Jar Jar Binks, the thing that killed Star Wars. It's too bad that Lucas cares more about merchandising and profits than about turning out a decent film. This movie is an embarrassing installment to what was once an amazingly well conceived set of films. Liam Neeson dies far too soon in the new trilogy and so does the very cool and very evil bad guy, Darth Maul. This movie is unfortunate from beginning to end; it could have been so so so so so much better.

Transformers
Transformers(2007)

Playing with the toys when I was eight was far more entertaining than this movie. But I guess that's mostly what I expected.

Men in Black II

Why? The first one made money, that's why. Unfortunately we're subjected to a second time around the block. Hold on, it's gotta be a diarrhea ride.

The Matrix Reloaded

Pretty decent as far as the sci-fi genre goes. I was pleasantly surprised by this second installment of a franchise I didn't expect much from from the start. This is highly entertaining.

Back to the Future Part II

I can remember waiting years to see this film, and being very pleased with the finished product. Mostly I enjoyed explaining the sequence of events to my mom. This is Michael J. Fox at his utmost (what utmost there was).

Jurassic Park

The effects were amazing, but effects a film do not make.

Batman Forever

Laughable compared to even the second film, which was far inferior to the first...

Shrek the Third

The second one was far less entertaining than the first and the third is even less so; stay away!

Troy
Troy(2004)

Based on the Iliad, BASED! on the Iliad. This movie was a paycheck and should never have been made, ever.

The Shawshank Redemption
½

Forrest Gump beat this film out for film of the year at the Oscars. I'm still trying to figure out why. Because Gump was a nostalgic piece of shit designed to make baby-boomers swoon and sway to the soundtrack? Probably. But what ever the case, this film is far superior, in plot, delivery, direction, and cinematography. I challenge anyone to prove my statements wrong. Bring it on!

Shrek
Shrek(2001)
½

Surprisingly funny. I expected to hate it, but since I saw it for free, and laughed very heartily, I can't complain at all...

The Green Mile

As interesting as a Steven King/Tom Hanks vehicle can be.

Dodgeball - A True Underdog Story
½

Way way way over the top, the best thing about it. Hysterically insane.

I, Robot
I, Robot(2004)

Smith should stick to comedy and pseudo-hip-hop. He has all the talent and interesting ability of a bowl of ant-infested turds. This movie is an embarrassment.

Spider-Man 3
Spider-Man 3(2007)
½

Decent, but not great.

Shallow Hal
Shallow Hal(2001)

Fat bitches and Jack Black; this movie lacks the one thing a comedy needs: humor.

Knocked Up
Knocked Up(2007)

Seth Rogen is a very very very poor man's vulgar John Candy, on the jewish tip. I came away from this movie wishing I could beat up the ticket taker and get my money back. The plot is worse than the Break-Up; the funniest parts are Rogan and his stoner buddies talking shit about naked actresses, something any idiot could do with a blunt and two, maybe three, friends. Total overrated boredom...

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
½

The end of an era. I watched this film as a kid, went in expecting the world, and was not disappointed. Speilberg and Lucas used to make amazing films, but stopped at sometime int the late eighties/early nineties. Connery as Jones Sr. is brilliant, both in casting and performance, Ford is as fantastic as ever. Temple of Doom is my favorite, but for personal reasons; this is a tremendously entertaining film.

Click
Click(2006)

Watch Billy Madison or Happy Gilmore instead. I think I'll watch them both now just to get the bad-taste-memory out of my head. This film has only one saving grace, Sandler always casts a hot chick to be his wife/girlfriend in all of his movies. The chick in this one is no slouch... Walken's performance is...forgettable...

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

A legend is born. Sci-fi brilliance. Lucas was once a cinematic genius, and then he fell from grace because of the twin evils of merchandising and the lust for money that comes along with merchandising. If only he'd kept the films aimed straightaway at adults instead of working Ewoks and Jar-jar Binks into scripts to make more cash. If only...we'd have such better Star Wars films; they'd all be as good as Empire, the masterpiece...

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

The first one was the best, the second was kinda boring and convoluted, and don't even bother with the third.

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Decently funny, but don't get your hopes up too high.

The Silence of the Lambs

The only film to win an Oscar for best picture, best director, best actor, and best actress since One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and for good reason. This is what all those cheesy played-out thrillers wish they could be, interesting enough to keep asses in seats. If you haven't seen it and feel like being freaked the fuck out tonight, hook it up; you will not be disappointed.

Spider-Man 2
Spider-Man 2(2004)

A decent sequel that took things up a notch, if only just. i was worth the price I paid at the boxoffice, but just barely...

The Sixth Sense

For as much hype as it generated this was one hell of a let down. I had to force myself to stay awake. Children in movies equals massive boredom.

The Fast and the Furious

Vin Diesel should be in prison and no longer allowed to make movies. He gives to art what Hitler gave to humanitarianism.

Blades of Glory

Almost enough to keep my attention, but Ferrell's done better.

Ice Age
Ice Age(2002)

The squirrel is more interesting than any of the other voices/characters, especially Ray "Bullet Wound to the Forehead" Romano. He's as interesting as colon cancer, and about a tenth as funny.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

This is a funny movie, but I knew when I saw this the first time that Nia Vardalos would never make another film. She used her entire private life to make her first film, and she had nothing whatsoever to make the second one with. It's been seven years; I was/am right.

Home Alone
Home Alone(1990)

It was funny when I was a kid, but ultimately John Hughes made much better movies, like Uncle Buck and the Breakfast Club.

Big Daddy
Big Daddy(1999)

Happy Gilmore was better and Billy Madison was absolute gold. See either before this one, or see this one first and then either Billy or Happy and avoid the bad aftertaste.

Armageddon
Armageddon(1998)

This is on my top five, worst films of all time, shit-list. I now will forever hate Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck (it didn't take much, he sucked already), and Liv Tyler (the queen of being overrated). Honorable mentions in the category of suck to Steve Buscemi (who is typically very good), and Owen Wilson (the man in all his Wes Anderson performances). Watching this movie was like chewing on broken glass and tin-foil at the same time. Horrible...

Liar Liar
Liar Liar(1997)
½

It's decently funny, but Ace Ventura is better.

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

The first one was decent, this one was a paycheck. How did Pesci ever manage to sink this low?

The Lost World - Jurassic Park

The first one dazzled the world with its special effects, and this one dazzled the world with its inability to dazzle the world any longer. Avoid, with extreme prejudice.