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Rating History

Dark Universe
Dark Universe (1993)
5 years ago via Flixster

What a useless waste of time this is. A shameless Alien ripoff that fails in every way possible, Dark Universe is the definition of ideological catharsis. With mere minutes of substantial entertainment it's about as shortchanging an experience as you can have in this life or the next. Which is putting it mildly.

Lets examine it's basic elements shall we. You have the entrepreneurial space man Joe Estivez and ... space fungus? Which manages to alter a dude into the form of an insect? It then causes a ship to crash in Central Florida whereupon the indigenous society falls victim to the twisted genetic offspring of spores and armadillos? I can't help but feel that the location of such a crash has much more to do with the geographical grasp of the movie's producer than it has to do with actual chance. I could be wrong. Regardless of setting, this behemoth of doldrum managed to ensnare the next 70 minutes of my life by simply refusing to fucking end. I actually started to do other things. I would look back at the movie, engage about half of my attention, shake my head, and go back to what I was doing before. Multitasking is an essential defense mechanism when watching Dark Universe. If you don't keep busy you'll end up like an under-medicated mental patient in a mid-level math class. Dead.

I could end the review right here and feel just fine about it. But in an vain attempt to gain my slobbering xenomorph merit badge I will tell you a bit more. A salacious bit of info, to which you alone will be privy.

Watch the demise of the creature. Surely something so easy to defeat could inflict little on harm us. Or so you would think. Bear in mind that this very same creature survived re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere in ruinous hulk of trash but it can't survive a flare and ignited swap gases?
[video of creature death]

The creature was but one of the deadly conjurations of the dangerous orange spores; which also claimed an unsuspecting armadillo.
[video of armadillo]

It even presents itself in the form of a nacho.
[space nacho]

In the end we never really learn what happens to the protagonist or the spores. It was all a meaningless exercise in futility. Isn't that fun?

Honestly this is one of the dumbest movies I've seen in a long time. Stay far away from it if you value your sanity. You won't get it back.

24 Hours to Midnight
5 years ago via Flixster

24 HOURS TO MIDNIGHT! This movie is hilarious and I love it. Featuring Cynthia Rothrock as a one woman ninja death squad who mercilessly hunts the drug syndicate that killed her husband. One by one the hapless members of the syndicate fall victim to her systemic and lethal ninja prowess! It kicks ass!

One of the first things I noticed about this movie is the fact that it stars Stack Pierce as "White Powder" Chan! What a fantastic and unexplained bad guy name for black guy. In the first 30 seconds I knew this movie would be good but I never expected it was about to become one of my new all time favorites.
(picture of Chan)
So this is the basic plot. A dude named Harry Grady is in witness protective services because he is about to testify against the mob. So, big surprise, they track him down while he is out jogging by a Jack in the Box and blast him full of holes!
(picture of Harry dying)
The other person who was supposed to testify is a guy named James West. Apparently they know everything about him because about three seconds after we learn his name they find him driving around. They handcuff him to the steering wheel, throw a grenade in the back seat, and then drive off. BOOM! Loophole expunged.
(picture of James West)
So Harry's wife Devon (played by Cynthia Rothrock but voiced by the sultry Brinke Stevens) does what any good housewife would do. She defends her home against would be mob assailants.
(video of home defense)
When she learns of her husbands death while driving her "gold Honda" it hits her pretty hard.
(pic of Rothrock crying)
So she skips town to Juarez Mexico in search of sensei Janaka. The good sensei gives her a briefcase chock full of facts that Harry was using to build his case against the mob.
(pic of case file)
Devon checks into a hotel, puts on her ninja garb, and uses the evidence as a battle plan against the mob who killed her husband! They don't stand a chance.
(insert video of Mr. White)
While all of the "Chan gang" is being murdered one by one, police duo Lester McQueen (Bernie Pock) and LeAnn Jackson are forced to look into the "carnage" by the police chief. We learn right away the moral turpitude of our esteemed McQueen when the chief gives them some recent facts.

Police Chief - "Did you know the body count in this city over the last 90 days is 69?"

McQueen - "Woo. 69. Magic number."

The only martial arts training we see Devon get is summed up in a short flashback.

Harry Grady - "Devon, you gotta be prepared, we're dealing with vicious killers. Quick reflexes may save your life. You gotta keep alert. And you gotta practice all the weapons. The tonfa, will strengthen your upper body, for punch'n. That's good! And Devon, remember all I've taught you."

From there we see some really funny stuff. Like a hilarious druggie fight scene!
(video of druggie fight)
One thing I noticed during the druggie fight was the fact that one of the uncredited extras looks exactly like David Duchovny!
(pic of Duchovny)
One other thing that struck me as hilarious is the fact that the mob took the time to get a "team" portrait taken. Didn't they realize that such a picture would be the perfect evidence?
(team photo)
The second victim shares the same name as Dennis the Menace's grumpy neighbor. Mr. Wilson! He dies in hilarious fashion by being summarily executed by the most literal ninja star in existence.
(pic of Wilson ninja star) cap - Mr. Wilson is see'n stars
The next thing you know, ninja Devon action babe is taking out three more dudes with a bow and arrow as they walk out of the bar. Kick ass! After hunting some game she regroups and steals a helicopter.

"I need Mr. Smith's ok and he's not here."
pic of guy
"Well, Mr. Wesson says it's ok!"
pic of weapon pulled

With her helicopter, Devon flies over a drug boat full of Chan gang bangers and drops some dynamite from up on high to ruin their day!
pic of dynamite
pic of explosion

The rest of the movie is nothing but cheaply executed fight scenes, people getting killed in awesome ways, and hapless cops getting into squabbles of their own. It ultimately culminates in an explosive ending of epic proportions! Of course Devon gets away scot-free and lives happily ever after. The end.

Harry Grady - "Devon, you'll always be special to me." I hope so dude, she's you're wife!

There are many many things I love about this movie.

1. The plot that was probably written by a 12 year old.
2. The fact that they chose to do a cheap voice over of Cynthia Rothrock.
3. The incredibly bad but somehow charming soundtrack.
4. The way that Devon loads up with a different weapon for every kill.
5. The ridiculous death scenes.
6. The hilarious fight scenes.
7. The drug addled youths who wistfully agree with each other.
8. Bernie Pock, who sadly died of AIDS at age 33.
9. The way it ends.
10. How much fun it is to watch.
11. How the title doesn't have anything to do with the movie.

Definitely watch this movie. You have to pick up a copy, dig out the VHS player, and watch it as soon as you can. You won't regret it.

Witchery (1988)
5 years ago via Flixster

Here's a movie that features witchcraft, demonic possession, demon rape, and David Hasselhoff. Throw in a few roasted people, a magic crystal, and a Sesame Street tape recorder and you've got yourself one unforgettably lame horror movie experience.

Many years ago, when we measured time in fortnights, there lived a pregnant witch. People round those parts in them times didn't take to kindly to coven born Satan babies so they chased the expecting witch to her untimely demise at the hands of a 20 foot plummet onto the craggy ground. Dang. That's too bad.

After that brief intro we're whisked away to modern day 1988 where David Hasselhoff can still summon super cars with his wrist watch. In this magical future land of wheat and plenty we see ... a pregnant lady who bears a striking resemblance to ye olde witch of yore. She wakes up from a dream in which she was chased, and plummeted to her death. How original. The very same lady goes for a walk and is almost crushed by a steel support beam that happens to fall right in front of her. Coincidence?

We then see Leslie and Greg (David Hasselhoff) at the same hotel the witch died in, conducting scientific research for the greater good of all mankind, sort of. Leslie is conducting research. Hasselhoff is trying to conduct sex research by practically throwing his semi-naked form on top of Leslie the virgin at every opportunity.

Next we meet the parents of Jane Brooks (the pregnant lady) looking at a picture of the same dilapidated island hotel that Hasselhoff and Leslie "THE VIRGIN" are at. It would seem that they picked the wrong time to buy a broken down, old island hotel. So they call a friends friend to give them a renovation estimate. They all take a hired boat to the island and begin to have a look around.


- Greg (David Hasselhoff) - Horny photographer, Zodiac Captain.
- Jane (Linda Blair) - Preggo lady, the main character.
- Leslie - The virgin, likes books about witches.
- Rose - The mean, likes to generally be a condescending bitch.
- Freddie - The scrawny, his body has reacted poorly to a lifetime of dealing with Rose's bullshit.
- Linda - The harlot, likes to adjust claims when she isn't adjusting other things.
- Jerry - The realtor's son, likes to sleep with harlots.
- Tommy - The bad ass, likes to play with his Sesame Street tape recorder.

It takes the Brooks family about 9 seconds to figure out that they aren't alone on the island. Way to leave out the hotplate douche! Anyway, as soon as they start poking around the place a mysterious woman in black eviscerates the boatman, leaving the only way off of the island (UNLESS YOU COUNT THE OTHER BOAT) adrift. When they attempt to leave they find themselves stranded. Thinking the coast is clear, Hasselhoff comes out of hiding and bumps into the whole gang as they walk back into the hotel. Oops. They trade introductions and soon after they start dying one by one.

This is one of those rare movies you will see that actually kills of the shittiest character first. Rose, the mean, finds it hard to speak when the heat is turned up. She died because she was a cold hearted, quick tempered, money grubbing bastard. Otherwise known as avarice. The first of three deadly sins.

Next to go is Linda the harlot. For being a whore. Otherwise known as lust, the second of three deadly sins. Followed by Jerry, the realtor's son. He was part of said "lust" so he has to die too I suppose.

Oh yeah, then Leslie (THE VIRGIN) is raped by a demon. Bollocks! It's ok though, it was all in her head. Or was it?

After that it's a bit quiet. The retards finally get the idea to shoot off a flare to the shore, which can't be more than a mile away. Of course someone sees it and they go to the police who swear up and down that there is no way for them to get to the island to help. What about a damn helicopter ya dumb bastards? Oh wait, never mind, they figured it out. Jeez! Took you long enough.

Once the house prevents them from jumping up and down in front of the rescue helicopter; Freddie pops a vein big-time and shoots blood all over Hasselhoff's face, dying in the process. Awesome! Finally enough people have died and they can try to leave the island on Hasselhoff's little zodiac. Oh wait, we forgot Tommy!

Then, the ending. Now normally a stupid ending doesn't really bother me. But this one is oppressively bad. So Jane is possessed by a demon, no biggie. Until she starts arbitrarily killing off the rest of the survivors with her supernatural dead witch preggo powers. She takes out Hasselhoff with a candelabra. And, just as she's choking the life out of poor little Tommy, and victory is all but assured, Hasselhoff drags his mostly dead carcass to the hallway, where he yells at Jane! That yell, was apparently enough to scare Tommy into dropping his Sesame Street tape recorder. As if being choked to death by a demon witch wasn't? Anyway, the cheap toy starts playing as soon as it hits the ground. It plays Tommy's OCD "I love you Jane" message over and over until Jane can't take it anymore and throws herself out the window. The end. Almost.

Later on we see Leslie (NO LONGER A VIRGIN) at the hospital recovering. Then the nurse casually says that her baby will be all right.

My baby?

The end, for reals.

This movie is pretty stupid, but it does contain a scene showing off the consumption of a roasted baby, so it's not all bad. I say give it a watch if you're a Hasselhoff fan. His antics are pretty funny.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. The 3rd and final deadly sin is ire. Which is lame because the long dead witch displayed ire at the hotel so the trinity was completed and combined with the unborn child of Jane and the virgin loins of Leslie to create a massive convergence of supernatural energy which ultimately culminated in the destruction of more money than I care to think of.

C.H.U.D. II (1989)
5 years ago via Flixster

Rarely am I surprised by a movie but this sequel did just that. It kind of reminds me of Ferris Bueller's Day Off meets Night of the Creeps. Half zombie romp and half stereotyped teen self discovery adventure. Basically it's stupid, weird, corny, and a little bit hilarious.

So, what is the story? A high school science class was going to work on an actual cadaver from a local funeral home in class. But awkward Kevin and rebellious Steve accidentally push the stiff out into traffic!

So, according to Steve logic, they need a new dead dude for class. So they somehow break into a secured military research facility and happen upon ... Bud the Chud. At the time of acquisition he's dead as you can get. Since they can't take him back to school, which I have no clue as to why since they just busted into a top secret military compound, they take him to Steve's parent's house! The movie switches gears into full on campy zombie romp and it starts to get interesting. They accidentally bring Bud back to life when a hair dryer falls into a tub of water that he was hastily thrown into. WHO HAS A FULL BATH TUB OF WATER JUST LYING AROUND? He springs to life and the boys somehow stash him away in the basement while they go out for burgers. BIG MISTAKE!

I think you can probably predict what happens next. Bud gets loose and begins his chomping spree. He turns dogs, aerobics dancers, barbers, mailmen, and all manner of stereotyped race and profession into flesh hungry CHUDs!

About this time the bumbling government gets involved in their weapon prototype recovery, just like in Return of the Living Dead. Except that Colonel Masters is a complete idiot who never thinks to use things like ... nukes. So he drives around town with his crony Graves looking for Bud in all the wrong places. They stop by Steve's house looking for him and they take his mother's word for it that he's gone. FOR REAL? As soon as Col. Masters leaves Steve and his friends pop out and get back in the car looking for Bud on their own. So stupid.

This movie covers a lot of the typical "zombies loose on the town" story ideas. They go to the bar and chomp on some patrons. They visit a burger place and raise all sorts of hell. They hide in a farmer's barn but have to split when the government arrives hot on their trail. They even have some fun with kids on Halloween. Finally though they bring the whole troupe to the Halloween dance at the high school. A "buffet." After a few dance numbers and antics Steve, Kevin, and Katie lure the Chuds off using a very effective tactic. Once they're all in once spot they can finally bring about the end of the Chuds!

This is pretty funny movie actually. I found myself laughing at all sorts of retarded non-sense. I have put together some of the funniest clips for you.

All in all this movie is very stupid. Which is why it has gotten such a bad rap over the years. Personally I found it almost charming though. It has just the right amount of non-sense to keep you laughing and interested for all 84 minutes. I say give it a go, especially if you like campy zombie movies. This movie is a perfect example of that genre. Just listen to these quotes.

"When you're dead you're skanky. It goes with the territory."

"The Chudified brain however lurches into a second life. An uncontrolled life."

"Excuse me sir, they don't have wood sheds anymore."

How can you say no to that? YOU CAN'T!