Ever see a movie and know it's bad, yet cannot hate it no matter how much you want to? Something about that movie facinates you to no end... despite it's complete and total suckitude.
For me, that movie is [i][b]Tank Girl[/b][/i], the 1995 adaptation of the underground comic book starring Lori Petty, Ice T, Jeff Kober, Malcolm McDowell, and Naomi Watts.
[i]Tank Girl[/i] takes place in 2033 when nearly all of the Earth's water has been destroyed by a comet (I know, it makes no sense). Now, the world is run by this company called Water and Power who, of course, controll all the water and have all the power. The leader of this evil company is played by Malcolm McDowell who was fresh off his stint as the main villian in [i]Star Trek: Generations[/i]. Malcolm has fun in this role and plays it perfectly. He's one reason why I love this shitty film.
Of course, with any big and evil company in charge of the world, there's bound to be rebels and that's were we find Lori Petty as Rebecca... AKA Tank Girl. Her and her peace-loving rebel friends are attacked by Water and Power and many of them are killed... including Tank Girl's boyfriend and a beloved pet bull. A little girl she was really attached to gets kidnapped and, of course, so is Tank Girl.
Lori Petty owns this role, folks. She's smart, sassy, sexy, and naughty. Perhaps a little tamer than her comic counterpart, but you know... I likes her anyway.
Tank Girl catches the fancy of Malcolm McDowell (I guess I should mention that his name is Kessley, shouldn't I?) and he makes it his personal mission to break her free spirit. She defies him (generating some great barbing scenes) and he only gets more and more pissed... finally sending her down to work in the mines as a slave.
This is where she meets Jet Girl, played by a Pre-The Ring Naomi Watts. Jet is shy, introverted, and emotional... so Tank Girl makes it her mission to get the girl a spine.
Kessley decides to use Tank Girl as bait to draw out a group of mutant monsters called Rippers, who have been destroying his operation, out of hiding so he can elimiate them. Only... the Rippers attack while he's being smug and Tank Girl and Jet Girl escape. The Rippers are, actually, genetically modified kangaroos built for combat who have been left over from a war. Played by Ice T, Jeff Kober, Scott Coffey, and Reg E. Cathey. Personally, I think these guys are hilarious and this is probably my favorite Ice T role. I'm sure he'd rather forget it.
Anyway, without giving the rest of the movie away, there are futuristic whorehouses, dance numbers, parachute gunfights, holographic shenannigans, and tons of spunk, absurdity, and fun.
Yeah, I know this is a bad movie. I know it is, but I love it despite of it's badness. So much so that I even discovered a tape of missing and deleted scenes from the movie. In case you're a fan of this phenomenally good bad movie, here's a brief discription of them. If not, then fuck off. Don't read anymore, you asshole!
[b]DELETED SCENE ONE[/b]
We see a young 8-year-old Tank Girl at a barbeque in a trailer park. There's a white trash party going on, drinking, laughing, and - strangely - a peacher reading from the bible. We soon see why... on TV, there is news footage of an approaching comet that will soon hit the Earth. Everything goes dark (the special effects are incomplete and told mainly with storyboards and whank-o-matic effects) and little Tank Girl wanders off. People at the party start running as the comet approaches. Scared, little Tank Girl hides inside a trailer as her parents call out to her.
The comet hits and we wash out to:
Complete devestation. Little Tank Girl climbs out of the wrecked trailer and sees that she's the only one still alive.
[b]DELETED SCENE TWO[/b]
Starts out like the beginning of the movie with Tank Girl riding the bull but without the voice over. When TG looks through her scope, though, we see that she sees an old woman searching through the desert with some sort of metal-detector thing. The old woman finds a conatiner of water buried in the sand and drinks it like an orange juice commercial. A Water and Power aircraft ambushes the old lady, sees that she has water, and blows her away. When the pilot lands to get the water, he is ambushed and ripped to pieces by the Rippers. The scene concludes with TG finding the wreckage of the flyer and drinking the water for herself as it appears in the film... but again, without the VO.
[b]DELETED SCENE THREE
[b]TANK GIRL'S BEDROOM[/b]
A brief scene, we see Tank Girl in her bedroom wearing a hockey mask and possibly beating something with a dildo. I don't know why this scene was cut... it advances the plot in such a smart and meaningful way.
[b]DELETED SCENE FOUR[/b]
[b]KESSLEY TORTURES TANK GIRL[/b]
This is an extended version of the "It's really hard to play with myself in this thing" torture scene with TG and Kessley in the freezer room.
Kessley enters the freezer room where TG is tied up with a straight jacket and freezing. TG looks at him.
TG: It's really hard to play with myself in this thing.
K: That's a shame.
TG: So... Sam I Am. What do you say? How about hooking me up with some juice and a crousant?
K: (Indicating a steak on the ground) Didn't you... like your lunch?
TG: Eh, the steak could have used some more fat.
K: (Smirks) Then you should have fed your pet buffalo some more, shouldn't you?
TG: (Lunges at K)
K: Look, you want to play... I'll play. And I'll win.
TG: No, not if it's Monopoly 'cause I really kick ass at that game. But I get to be the shoe.
K: Look, I'm going to ask you one more time. Do you want to work for Water and Power?
TG: Oh... Yeah, that sounds groovy. Do I get to wear a cute little outfit like yours?
K: (Pulls out a gun and shoots her with a dart) Have you ever heard of Cholera? It's an old-fashioned disease... not very pleasant.
TG: (Starts to shake and moan in pain)
K: (Opens a knife and looks at the insignia) Ah, the abandoned child. Well, that's interesting. You know, your whole life you'll never be happy because no one will ever love you as much as your parents... never did.
[b]DELETED SCENE FIVE[/b]
[b]TANK GIRL GIVES JET GIRL A BEER[/b]
That's about the cusp of the scene. Tank Girl give Jet a beer after they fix up the Tank. Jet says, "Absolutely... Positively..." and then TG finished with "MENTAL!!!"
I don't get it either.
[b]DELETED SCENE SIX[/b]
[b]LET'S DO IT ADDITIONAL LYRICS[/b]
The "Let's Do It" dance number with additional verses by Jet Girl and Sam. Interesting because the audio in this scene was raw and you can hear the playback in many of the cuts.
[b]DELETED SCENE SEVEN[/b]
[b]TANK GIRL AND JET GIRL CONFRONT SUB GIRL[/b]
Tank and Jet are on their way to Sub Girl's place.
JET: Are you out of your mind? Listen to me, you haven't seen these things. They're not human, they're demons from hell. I'm telling you!
TG: Look, if we're going to rescue Sam, we need and army. They're an army and this lady claims to know them.
JET: But she also claims to be the Rain Goddess!
Inside Sub Girl's place, she is fishing in a bucket for a boot. TG and Jet approach her.
TG: Hey, do you really know how to find the Rippers?
Sub Girl smiles.
[b]DELETED SCENE EIGHT[/b]
[b]TANK GIRL AND BOOGA IN BED[/b]
T Saint is walking around the Ripper hide out looking for someone. He walks up to the tank and opens the hatch.
T SAINT: Hey get your dumb ass out of bed! We got work to do!
Booga and TG are in bed together and smile at each other. T Saint grunts in disgust. Wonder why?
[b]DELETED SCENE NINE[/b]
[b]THE PRISONERS ARE FREED[/b]
At the end of the movie after Booga rescues TG and Sam. The ground shakes and stuff starts falling.
TG: What now!?
The other Ripper converge as a machine erupts from the ground and fires rockets at the Water and Power facility freeing all the slaves. As the slaves run to freedome, Sub Girl pops out of the machine (which we see is actually some sort of tunneling submarine).
SUB GIRL: Did we win?
TG: How'd you guess?
[b]DELETED SCENE TEN[/b]
Outside Water and Power after Kesslee is defeated. Donner, one of the Rippers (not me) is talking to Jet Girl.
DONNER: Now that we've destroyed water and power and put and end to Kesslee's evil empire, do you think maybe you'd like to see my award-winning cucumber? It's really big.
JET: Look, Donner, if you and I are going to build a beautiful, loving relationship... you're going to have to get rid of all these moronic sexual innuendos!
DONNER: (Holds up cucumber) What do you mean?
Sub Girl walks by, grabs the cucumber, and goes up to T Saint.
SUB: T Saint! I'm sorry I've been away. But I've been busy talking to the FISHES!!! (Bites into the cucumber)
T SAINT: Just my luck... I get stuck with the basketcase.
T Saint walks off and the camera focuses on Sam who is wiping off her arms.
SAM: What's going on? Who's spitting on me!
JET: No one's spitting on you, it's rain!
SAM: Oh my God! It really is!
SUB: I told you so, but nobody would believe me!
BOOGA: The rain! What a magnificent miracle of nature. It falls like tears from our crystal ferverment revitalizing the crusted Earth. Oh deep joy. Deep joy.
TG: Yes, my friends, it is raining. Nature has been restored. Soon, the Earth will be reborn. Hey, wait a minute! Someone's gotta run this brave new world! Jet Girl! Sub Girl! Places to kill... people to do.
They mug to the camera as we...
Wow... with such beautiful writing... who knows why they cut this scene from the movie.:rolleyes:
All in all, the scenes are interesting... the prolouge and torture scenes would have added to the movie if they would have been included, but the original ending is horrible and rightly deserves on the cutting room floor.