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Movie Ratings and Reviews

The Bogus Witch Project

This new DVD is a compelation of a bunch of knock-offs, parodies, and spoofs of The Blair Witch Project along with other horror-themed comedy. This disk should not be tossed aside lightly... it should be thrown with great force!

Out of all of the endless spoof capitilizing on the Blair Witch, this has got to be the most elementary. The Bogus Witch Project makes The Scooby Doo Project look like freakin' Chaucer! Avoid this DVD at all costs! It's stupid, it's insipid, and it's just there to suckle on the hype generated from the upcoming Blair Witch 2.

One of the funniest thing about this whole DVD is the fact that the cover exclaims proudly that Pauly Shore is the star of the feature... despite the fact that he only appears in five minutes of it. Not a bad thing, of course... after all less Pauly Shore is more but no Pauly Shore is best.

God, this DVD blows.

Atlantis: Milo's Return

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I have the feeling we?ve all been had.

No, I?m not talking about how Disney makes cheap direct-to-video sequels to its animated movies, I?m talking about the latest ?sequel?, Atlantis: Milo?s Return. Is this really a sequel? Well, yes and no? I mean, it does pick up what?s been happening with the Atlantis crew, but I don?t think this is a motion picture.

In fact, I have the feeling that Atlantis: Milo's Return is more of a salvage operation? a way of saving wasted animation from a television series that never saw the light of day due to the movie?s poor box office. This wasted animation, I believe, was lumped together? a bit of extra animation was done to bridge the episodes, and then? viola! You?ve got an inexpensive Atlantis sequel.

I?m not sure of the details, but that?s what this movie seems like. It?s in three distinct segments that in no way relate to one another and each are thirty minutes long. It doesn?t take a rocket scientist to piece it all together? television episodes!

Believe me, this is one television-level attempt too. Sure, I count myself as one of the fans of Atlantis: The Lost Empire and it?s good to see the gang back in action? I just wish that the gang was in a little better form.

The story picks up a few years after the movie. Milo and Kida are living happily in Atlantis rebuilding the lost empire when suddenly (and inexplicably) the Atlantis crew show up with the news that a creature is attacking ships at sea. Kida fears that an Atlantean Leviathan may be on the loose so she joins the team to investigate. Soon, they find themselves in a strange village under mind control? but from what?

From there, the story shifts to the American Southwest where a pack of sand coyotes are attacking people. The Atlantis team must retrieve a lost Indian artifact to end the attacks.

Finally, the Atlantis team venture up north where a madman with an Atlantean spear believes that he is Odin and that it is his duty to bring about Ragnarok? the end of the world.

Sure, I know that the direct to video sequels are of lower quality than the motion pictures? it?s not something that I like, but it?s something that I accept. Still, the animation in Atlantis II is pitiful? as if the low paid Koreans who put it all together just stopped caring.

The individual segments aren?t anything overly terrible, but they are by no means memorable either, the animation is less than Saturday morning level, and the whole thing just feels pared down. If you?re a fan of the original Atlantis: The Lost Empire, I?d give this thing a rent just for nostalgia?s sake, but no way would I plunk down the cash to buy it.

Batman Gotham Knight
½

A few years back, there were animated companions coming out for every damn movie in theaters. Riddick had one, Van Helsing had one, The Matrix had one. Some were pretty good, others were so forgettable that I can?t recall a single darn thing about them. Now it looks like the tradition is being revived with Batman: Gotham Knight in which six different animators get a shot at showing off their own take on the Caped Crusader.

The first story is called ?Have I Got a Story for You? and, derivative of the Batman animated episode, ?Tales of the Dark Knight,? a bunch of kids get together and relate their tales of running into Batman. One sees him as a robot, one sees him as a bat-creature, and one sees him as a moving shadow. I liked the story, but I felt as if I?d already seen it once before.

Next is ?Crossfire? in which two of Gotham City?s police officers discussing the Batman while transferring a prisoner and, yes, it?s just as boring as it sounds.

?Field Test? is more like it as Batman tries out a brand new defensive weapon in taking on the mob. This segment captures Batman?s reverence for life, no matter how dirty it is.

The fourth segment is called ?In Darkness Dwells? and, in it, Batman comes cowl to snout with Killer Croc as he investigates what The Scarecrow is up to. I can?t help but think that this segment should have been better than what we ended up with. Sure, the look at Killer Croc was cool and everything, but when it gets bogged down in the Scarecrow business, it becomes less and less interesting.

?Working Through Pain? is an insightful and thoughtful look at how Batman deals with hurt. It?s told through a combination of flashbacks and a present-day tale of an injured Batman trying to get to safety that is both perceptive and sad.

?Deadshot? come last and has Batman facing a deadly assassin. It?s big gratifying ending to the compilation and has the first really satisfying bat-action. Just balls to the wall action.

Gotham Knight is a somewhat unbalanced affair, but it?s a must have for fans of DC animation as it welcomes back Kevin Conroy as the voice of the Bat. Personally, I liked half of the segments and didn?t care for the others, but it is passable and a nice companion piece for The Dark Knight.

Just don?t get your expectations up too high for this one.

Man's Best Friend
½

This morning I was waiting in the drive thru at McDonalds when I saw this homeless guy playing with his dog. For some reason, I thought it was the most touching thing I'd ever seen so, I tossed the guy an Egg McMuffin.

The dog leaped for it and, the last time I saw them, they were tumbling down an embankment wrestling over the muffin and headed towards a rampaging river.

And that, children, was my good deed of the month.

Club Dread
Club Dread(2004)

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A couple of days ago, I wrote up a pretty detailed review of An American Werewolf in London where I stated that the movie succeeds in large part because it throws in just the right amount of comedy and horror into the mix where one doesn't overpower the other.

Well, welcome to the other side of that coin, kids. From the folks who made the legendary Super Troopers movie, it's Club Dread... the story of an island paradise, the ultimate party getaway, and murder!

The story takes place on a beautiful topical locale called Paradise Island ( not to be confused with the island that turned Pinocchio into a donkey or where Wonder Woman lives) that is owned by Coconut Pete (played by Bill Paxton in his best role since Hudson in Aliens), a washed-up Jimmy Buffet wannabe who has adopted the philosophy of getting drunk, partying, and mellowing out.

On the island with him is an oddball assortment of employees played by the Broken Lizard guys and a couple of other people. They are busy making sure that the guests are comfortable and partying and getting but soon, they find themselves in great danger when a killer starts stalking them for no apparent reason!

I like the Broken Lizard guys and I think that, in addition to Super Troopers, they're going to make some very funny movies down the road... I just don't think that Club Dread will be counted among them.

The comedy in this movie doesn't compliment the horror and the horror doesn't compliment the comedy. In fact, the horror and comedy in this movie appear to be opposing forces out to completely annihilate each other and like a base and an acid, all they do is cancel each other out. Club Dread couldn't decide what it wanted to be and the effect is uneven and a little jarring in places.

I mean, honestly... it goes from being a straight slasher movie to slapstick comedy in one breath... keeping the goofball characters all the way through into the serious parts where they just about undermine any tension that could have been built!

Still, I have to admit... when it wanted to be funny, it was... kind of funny and when it wanted to be scary, it was... a little scary. There are some pretty funny and inventive moments in Club Dread like, for instance, a new way to play Pac-Man, but nothing particularly memorable or even quotable.

Still, like I said, I like these guys and I did chuckle consistently throughout the movie, even if those chuckles never evolved into genuine laughter. At the most, I'd say that this is one movie to see once, but don't expect to have anything stick inside your head afterwards.

Except Pac-Man.

2012
2012(2009)

The movie 2012 is the grotesquely well-endowed man who is unable to perform the sexual act adequately. At first glance one might believe that they are in for a good time because, after all, it looks impressive. Ridiculous in it's scale - rather unbelievable if you will - but impressive nonetheless. When the lovemaking begins, however, it's awkward and a little sad but you can't complain too much because, hell, look at the thing! Besides, even bad sex is still fun at its core.

Sure, that might very well be the creepiest and most inappropriate analogy I can think of, but given that Mr. Emmerich has been bending audiences over for years with his movies, at least this time he makes it worth our while with a cinematic phallus that is big, ridiculous, awkward, but still fun all the same.

Hoping to capitalize on the stupidity that is the rampant 2012 following, Roland Emmerich, the man behind such tour de forces as Godzilla and his other Gregorian-based offering, 10,000 BC, brings us a movie where everything literally blows up and falls into the ocean. That is not an exaggeration either because literally everything blows up and falls into the ocean. I actually think it would have been a better decision business-wise to call this movie Everything Explodes and Falls into the Ocean because at least by the year 2013, it won't sound stupid and dated.
All right, at least it won't sound dated.

John Cusack heads up the motley crew of humans who fill up the time when the studio can't afford special effects. Their story is a clichéd and boring one of a distant father trying to get to know his kids only after his wife has divorced him and bagged herself a rich and charming plastic surgeon.

The group includes the stereotypical cute little girl whose job it is to scream, "DADDY!" in the face of pursuing pyroclastic flows from erupting volcanoes or the debris from collapsing buildings. There is also the snot-nosed son who is so estranged that he calls his dad by his first name which, I have to admit, is cool an edgy... or at least it was when The Ring and the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still did it. If you're familiar with these movies then you can take bets on how long it takes this little bastard to say, "I love you... dad!"

Obliviously, the script doesn't just have plotholes, it has chasms bigger than the ones that send Los Angeles sliding into the sea but as I said, this movie's pathetic attempts at drama are really only good for the quiet moments when your bladder fills or you're hungry for some Rasinettes. All of the Roland Emmerich stapled are there: the noble sacrifice, the tragic demise, and the fractured family. Of course, we can't forget that the damn dog is going to live through it all. The dog in this movie goes so far as to produce feats of gymnastics to survive that would have Nadia Comaneci feeling dizzy. One of these days, Mr. Emmerich will produce a movie where the dog is the first one to die and I believe that I will follow shortly thereafter just from the sheer shock.

Let's face it, though, it's not the family drama or indestructible dog that we pay to see when we subject ourselves to movies like 2012. We go because we want to see destruction on a massive scale and, in that area, 2012 delivers and delivers in a big way. I don't give Roland Emmerich a whole lot of credit for many things because, let's face it, he's just not that talented, but what I will give him credit for is that he knows how to film a disaster. He holds the camera in place allowing you to take in the epic nature of the shot and refrains from putting eighty cuts into one minute. The disaster sequences in 2012 are, for the most part, as astounding as they are terrifying. Sometimes the believability of the special effects are iffy, but then again how believable is an aircraft carrier smashing into the White House or a tidal wave cresting over the Himalayas?

2012 isn't great entertainment, but it does what it sets out to do. It is a visual marvel, it has raised the bar for disaster movies (and blown it up), and, despite itself, it's better than it looks like it's going to be. Don't get me wrong, there's really no reason this movie should be as long as it is and I really wish the editing of the movie would have excised another 30 to 45 minutes of the superfluous nonsense that took away from the special effects that were the real stars of the movie. 2012 has shot it's proverbial load... it's just a shame that it takes the movie another half hour to realize it.

Even though this film has it's flaws, I would say that this is probably the best movie that Roland Emmerich has managed to come up with since Independence Day. The only problem is, has 2012 sounded the death knell for disaster porn? After all, when this movie is over with, what else is there to blow up?

Disaster Movie

There was a famous incident a year or so ago when a disgruntled non-fan of Kevin Smith asked him an insulting question about when he was going to start making movies that didn't have old characters and that didn't suck. Kevin Smith answered the question and then, in Kevin Smith style, proceeded to mock and destroy the fat little nerd for what Smith said was, "insulting his betters."

This brings us to [i]Disaster Movie[/i] which, if anything, I can at least say that its title is truth in advertising. The very first movie out of the gate that [i]Disaster Movie[/i] lampoons is [i]10,000 BC[/i] which, if you remember, was a movie I reviewed last week calling it one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

Let me tell you something, kids, [i]Disaster Movie[/i] taking on [i]10,000 BC[/i] is a case of a fat little nerd insulting its better. This movie is 100 percent pure garbage and an open palmed slap to the face to everyone who loves movies... even bad ones. Honestly, kids, there was nothing in this movie that came close to even being funny. I would rather watch [i]10,000 BC[/i] ten more times than sit though this stupid, vacant, putrid piece of diuretic hog shit again.

But it gets better from there. When [i]Disaster Movie[/i] has something to say about [i]Juno [/i]being overwritten and too clever and then poke fun at [i]No Country for Old Men[/i] you really have to wonder just who the fuck the directors of this movie think they are. I mean, seriously people, comedic failures like Friedberg and Seltzer pointing out the flaws in other movies is like George W. Bush telling Steven Hawking that his wheelchair is squeaky. I would be surprised if Friedberg and Seltzer saw half of the movies they made fun of and I would be even more surprised if they understood half of the movies they saw and they are going to citizen other much much better movies in a movie that amounts to liquid shit on a stale cracker? Who the fuck do they think they are?

It's amazing what these two actually think is funny. At one point, an actor shows up and does a very terrible impression of Doctor Phil and it's almost as if we're supposed to laugh solely at the fact that Dr. Phil is there. Not funny! Neither is random cameos from bad actors doing bad impressions of Flava Flav, Hanna Montana, and the elderly women from [i]Sex and the City[/i]. I've said it before and I'll say it again: A pop culture reference does not equal funny! I will not laugh at a subject's mere presence and I certainly will not laugh if the joke is bad and then is explained to the audience for two minutes of agonizing tediousness. If the alleged humor in this movie is a blade, [i]Disaster Movie[/i] sticks it between your ribs and twists the knife slowly in an ever more sadistic form of torture. I would rather see the money that the studio put into this movie get donated to the GOP; that's how much I hated it.

I have to admit, I didn't make it all the way through this movie which brings my walk-out count up to five in my whole life. I sat through the awful part where Juno fought Carrie (for no reason) with jokes directly ripped off almost word for word from [i]You Don't Mess With the Zohan[/i]. I managed to make it through a silly Hancock reference that went nowhere. I even held my vomit during a pointless [i]Jumper/Prince Caspian[/i] "joke" but I couldn't hold my seat. I didn't even pay for a ticket, but I still felt gypped. Perhaps it's for that piece of my soul that I felt die during the thirty minutes I stayed in the theater.

I feel embarrassed for everyone who was in this movie and a burning hot rage against anyone who wrote it, directed it, and had anything to do with it coming into existence. This movie isn't just the worst of 2008, it's probably the worst movie in a decade... or perhaps longer and that's an accomplishment with the likes of Uwe Boll and Tom Green out there.

I have a hard time imagining anyone thinking at any time that anything about this movie would remotely turn out well. This was a film that cost dick to make and was released into theaters with the studios knowing that it was a steaming pile of shit, hoping to make back the scant money they paid for it in the opening week from the slack-jawed idiots who thought that the trailer was kind of funny. This movie is a scam the likes of which haven't been seen since the Savings and Loan Scandals. Friedberg and Seltzer aren't fit to write Hallmark Cards, much less a movie and how these two talentless hacks continue to find work is a great injustice to people everywhere. I wish I could travel back in time and yank them out of their mother's cootch with a coat hanger while they were still fetuses.

Fuck them and fuck this fucking awful movie.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Some people, after reading my reviews of the [i]Star Wars[/i] prequels at least, have often accused me of liking something if the words "Star Wars" are slapped on them and, truthfully, I've often wondered the same thing. With the release of [i]The Clone Wars[/i], I can definitely say that this is not the case. This ugly and empty-headed cartoon is the first Star Wars movie I have not enjoyed immensely. I would even go so far to say that The Clone Wars embodied much of what has gone wrong with [i]Star Wars[/i] since 1998.

First, a little background. As you can probably guess, this movie takes place during The Clone Wars in the space between Episode II and III. Anakin and Obi-Wan are fighting droids left and right when the movie begins and are soon joined by a prepubescent brat named Ahsoka who is to be Skywalker's Padiwan Learner.

Ahsucka is supposed to represent a brave and strong female character, but she's overdone to the point that within five minutes of meeting this twit, I was yearning for her to be bisected by a light saber.

From a rather grating introduction of a new character and a somewhat dull battle scene, the plot of the movie finally arrives after about half an hour (hey, that's about the time it takes for a TV episode, isn't it?) and Skywalker and Ahsucka have to go rescue Jabba the Hutt's son from Count Dooku and his separatists.

Holy poodoo! This is an ugly movie with ugly characters in it. The Genndy Tartakovsky style of animation looks great in 2-D, but the translation of it into a three dimensional medium looks weird and blocky as if every single character was sculpted badly out of rubber and shit.

It doesn't help that the voice acting in this movie is dreadful as well. If you thought Hayden Christianson was a bad Anakin, you ought to get a load of the robot they have voicing the character now. It doesn't stop there either... Obi-Wan, Padme, and all the incidental characters sound awful. One of them, Jabba's uncle, sounds like Truman Capote; I am not shitting you!

What I don't understand is that Anthony Daniels came back and, more amazingly, Christopher Lee returned to supply Count Dooku with a voice. What the hell? Chris Lee returns but somehow Hayden was too busy sitting at home, playing Xbox and waiting for that Jumper sequel? Seriously, what the fuck?

The worst thing of all is that this movie is for kids. I remember my words well from almost ten years ago that all the Star Wars movies are for kids, but The Clone Wars is for retarded kids or something. The dialogue is just hideous, characterization is all over the place, and the situations are oversimplified and stupid to the point of inanity.

I'm no fool. I know that this was basically three episodes of the animated series precycled into a big screen movie to get some quick cash, but for goodness sakes, they could at least have upped the quality a little before releasing this turd. Get the original actors back, tweak the script, something! This could have been [i]Star Wars[/i]' [i]Mask of the Phantasm[/i], but as it is... it's more like [i]Star Wars[/i]' [i]The Care Bear Movie[/i].

I do have to say that this movie is not completely worthless and is entertaining to a point. When the TV show premieres, I will probably watch it, but turning a TV series into a movie with no increase in quality is simply an inexcusable cash grab and makes me deeply wonder just how Lucas feels about his devoted fans after all this time.

What's the matter, George, did you need a yacht this month or something?

The X-Files: I Want to Believe (The X Files 2)
½

I consider myself a fan of [i]The X-Files[/i], but I do think that this poor little show overstayed its welcome long after it's sixth year. When Duchovny left the show full time, I did too and only returned for the last episode which turned out to be nothing more than a prolonged two-hour kick in the nuts to fans everywhere.

There was talk of a movie... a sequel to the disappointing average television episode that was plastered on the big screen almost ten years ago, but I wasn't interested. Based on the performance of the sequel which finally lurched out the starting gate, it didn't seem like anyone else was either. For good reason too, because if there was anyone out there who still loved [i]The X-Files[/i] for what it was, [i]The X-Files: I Want to Believe[/i] reminded them of all the reasons they hated it in the end.

Picking up after the end of the series when Mulder is on the run from the FBI and Scully has gone on to be a hospital doctor, I Want to Believe has the FBI looking for a missing agent with the help of a pedophile priest who's been supposedly getting visions from the Big G.

Now, I can't remember the details because this movie is so dreary, colorless, and lethargic that I had no choice but to zone out every now and then for my sanity, but Mulder and Scully are brought back in to the FBI fold to help out with the investigation and bear witness to a horrific and rather silly turn of events.

This is the thing, kids, I wanted [i]The X-Files[/i] back in a big way and this... is not a big way. I accused the first movie of being an overlong episode of the TV show that was just "okay" while I'm accusing this movie of being an episode of the TV show I swear I've already seen.

The movie is just boring and filled with pseudo-religious gobbledygook that I could have sworn I was listening to [i]Matrix [/i]dialogue.

It was nice to see Duchovny and Anderson again as Mudler and Scully, but they both seemed to be phoning it in and whatever chemistry they had on the TV show has been lost forever. I almost got the feeling that the two actors didn't like each other very much and were just appearing together for the benefit of a paycheck.

Chris Carter directed and wrote this movie and he really screwed the pooch. The story is bland and uninteresting and the direction is flat and lifeless. I Want to Believe looks cheap, it looks boring, it looks... like a goddamned episode of the TV series!

Yeah, I didn't like them... but the exclusion of Doggett and Reyes kind of irked me as if The [i]X-Files[/i] was ignoring its own history. Personally, I think it would have been a better movie if the replacement agents called back the originals, but I'm not sure if anything really could have helped this movie too damned much.

I want to believe that there is a good [i]X-Files[/i] movie on the horizon, but the truth is out there that I just don't care anymore and you can thank this movie for turning me from a believer into a skeptic.

10,000 B.C.
10,000 B.C.(2008)

I watched this movie several weeks ago and, honestly, I was content just to skip it and not even bother with a review. Seriously, what could be said about this movie that hasn't been said by more eloquent and more salaried critics than I? How much more could I communicate what a festering pile of mammoth shit this movie actually is?

As it turns out, from all the requests I've had over the last month to review movies, this is the number one pick. Why do you people hate me so much? Still, I cannot disappoint my fans (all seven of you) and so, here goes... Donner's official review of [i]10,000 BC[/i]. Lock up your pets, bring your children to the computer, and put on your tin foil hats, children, this is going to be messy.

[i]10,000 BC[/i] stars Steven Strait. You remember him, don't you? He played the cunty little man-witch in last year's [i]The Covenant[/i] which will no doubt be on my worst movies of 2007 list when I finally compile it. Strait plays D'Leh a dreadlocked prehistoric hunter who's loincloth burns for gatherer, Evolet who, despite being a cavewoman, always looks like she came off the Este Lauder truck. The only thing is, to claim Evolet and make some dirty Ice Age sex with her, he has to win the Great Hunt (or something).

D'Leh (wow, that name is annoying) wins the hunt through what can only be described as Keystone Cops action and not only wins Evolet, but becomes the head hunter... but then he gives it up because he doesn't think he deserves it. The melodrama is about as compelling as an episode of [i]Guiding Light[/i].

Meanwhile, Evolet gets kidnapped by a marauding tribe who take her and the rest of D'Leh's tribe far away so D'Leh takes off after them in an effort to regain his dignity and get the girl. He also takes other hunters with him who get killed and/or captured thanks to D'Leh's incompetence.

Oh, and mammoths built the pyramids 6000 years before they were actually built.

There's no two ways about it, children, [i]10,000 BC[/i] is bad. Really bad. I mean, this is probably the worst big budget blockbuster since [i]Batman and Robin[/i]. It's as if someone got really drunk one day, thought it would be cool if there was a movie about cavemen, and then proceeded to write it with no research at all.

Seriously, children, I can suspend disbelief for almost anything, but when a movie insists that I suspend intelligence, that's where I bail.

There's so much about [i]10,000 BC[/i] that is so awful that it defies conventional explanation. From the awful names like Old Mother and Tik Tik (yes, Tik Tik) to horrendous CGI, laughable dialogue, and the general stupidity that have come to expect from Roland Emmerich. After all, this is the same cockmaster who delivered [i]Godzilla [/i]to us all. Thanks, Roland.

You can't even enjoy this movie on a "so bad it's good" level because it's colorless, bland, and boring. The actors are boring, the scenery is boring, and the action is boring. I can only assume that this movie was made after someone lost a bet. I mean, seriously... it's laughable that it's so bad.

[i]10,000 BC[/i] is an atrocity that should be tried at the Hague. If you enjoyed this movie, I will be by shortly to take away your ability to reproduce.

The Love Guru

I still believe that Mike Myers is a funny guy, but if my first experience with his brand of humor was something like [i]The Love Guru[/i], I would probably be groping him in the same category as Tom Green and Dane Cook.

If I were to tell you that [i]The Love Guru[/i] was 90 minutes of a tolerable movie, I would be lying through my teeth. This movie is a rancid collection of all things so not funny that laughter only really occurs during the credits and an outtake by Verne Troyer. That's it.

In [i]The Love Guru[/i], Mike Myers plays the role of an American born Indian self-help Guru called in to help save the marriage of a hockey player so that he can chill out and his team can finally win. That's the gist of the paper thin plot of [i]The Love Guru[/i] which is little more than a clothesline on which to hang scene after scene about potty jokes, self-help acronyms, and humor that is humor in name only.

[i]The Love Guru[/i] is so awful, so badly thought out, and so pathetically executed that I really cannot think of an appropriate insult for it for all of them seem to be woefully inadequate to describe this movie's underlying current of badness.

Mind you, I'm a fan of Myers but this movie has me thinking that if anyone needs a self help guru, it might just be him... or me as this movie has seriously hindered my ability to love myself. Why, me? Why did I make me see this god-awful movie? I must hate me so much!

I'm glad this movie failed because [i]The Love Guru[/i] is a sure sign that Myers has fallen in love with himself and needed to be knocked down a peg. I hope he gets himself back up and goes back to making the funny he needs to. Perhaps he will finally make that Doctor Evil movie he's been teasing us with? Maybe he'll go in a new direction all together?

Well, whatever that direction, let's just hope it's as far away from India as possible.

There's nothing I can say about this movie that is positive. Absolutely nothing. The guru is annoying, the comedy is flat, and the direction telegraphs and destroys any potential laughs before they happen. I, the man who is never offended, even thought that the short jokes aimed at Vern Troyer were mean-spirited and unnecessary.

My advise... skip the self help and help save yourself from this dreckish pile of poop.

The Dark Knight

Why is the Joker the greatest Batman villain? Some say it?s the dark comedy, others point to all of the men who have filled the role. Personally, to me at least, the Joker represents the anti-Batman ? he?s for everything that Batman is against and, when you?ve got two immovable forces, only delicious goodness can result. These two are never going to come to an understanding, they will never respect each other; they are the positive and negative, the yin and yang, God and the Devil.

It?s that delicious opposition between The Dark Knight and the crowned prince of crime that fuels the yummy goodness of this movie. Batman vs. The Joker: it?s a formula that you just can?t loose on even when the material isn?t completely understood b those making it (and yes, I?m talking about you, Tim Burton).

The Dark Knight is a triumph. Calling it a great movie is an understatement. It?s a great movie that builds on another great movie, Batman Begins. It corrects its few flaws, it ups the ante set by the first movie? it?s just great. It?s hard to say it any other way? it?s just great.

I cannot continue without saying something about Heath Ledger?s Joker. This take on the famous bad guy is definitive, people. I used to think that Mark Hamil?s Joker was the one and only, but this take on the character is it? there is no other way to say it. He?s played as the insane genius that he?s supposed to be. He makes jokes, but they are sadistic and evil? all to promote chaos. There are no joy buzzers and squirt flowers this time, it?s just Ledger as a lip-smacking badly scarred minister of mayhem. It?s fitting that this role will be Ledger?s triumph and sad that his biggest movie will be his last. I laughed off all talk of Oscars for Ledger?s Joker, but now I?m a believer. Give this man a statue.

Bale, on the other hand, is one of the flaws I see in this movie. As Bruce Wayne, he?s a fit ? the pompous and reckless façade he manufactures for his alter ego is incredibly played, better than anyone who has ever played him. The bad news is, as Batman he?s a little annoying and I?m talking about the gruff voice ? almost like he?s Nathan Explosion from Metalocolypse. He?s hard to understand and it just sounds silly. In my opinion, Michael Keaton had the bat-voice down pact. Perhaps, though, Bale will finally get it right in time for the third movie.

I don?t know what else to say except that this movie is everything I wanted it to be. Sure, there was some stuff that I wish was exploited movie and some things that I wish could be exploited in the future and, who knows, perhaps with some creative means they can be.

The Dark Knight is, by far, the definitive take on Batman in any medium. It?s just amazing.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (Hellboy 2)
½

I loved this movie. Not liked, but loved... loved it. Why? It should be obvious to you that to really win me over, a movie must have originality and spectacle... Hellboy II: The Golden Army has both and therefore... loved. Not liked, loved.

This is a great movie. Guillermo Del Toro has really outdone himself bringing the quirky and chaotic world of Hellboy to the screen in ways that appear two-thirds daydream, one-third nightmare. Take this for example - in the first five minutes of the movie, we're treated to exposition that could have been handled by voiceovers or straight narrative... but instead, we're given the images from a little boy's imagination who has seen one too many episodes of Howdy Doody. It's maniacal, a little scary, and fills you in on the background in a hurry. Awesome.

In Hellboy II: The Golden Army, Hellboy and his friends must face off against an elf prince who is seeking to resurrect a terrible force known as (wait for it) The Golden Army so he can wipe out all of humanity. In the meantime, Liz (Selma Blair) who is Mrs. Hellboy now, must find a way to live with the big red brute and break a small but of news to him that will change his life forever.

I know I'm already repeating myself, but major props go out to Guillermo Del Toro for this movie. His imagination is a wacky and terrifying place and it's no where I would want to be caught after dark. He populates Hellboy II with a myriad of fantastic creatures from small and fragile Tooth Fairies - named so because they are flesh-eaters who dine on teeth first - to an amazing Angel of Death with a desiccated body and eyes on its wings. It's a thing of macabre beauty.

One must also mention Ron Pearlman in the mix. I read my original review of Hellboy before I started writing this one and I see that I panned Hellboy's use of humor. I think I must have been on the rag back then or at least a little clueless not to realize that while Superman and Batman are the glory heroes who get the public admiration, Hellboy is more of a working shlub. He's the common man. God, I love him for it.

This is just such a great imaginative movie with likeable characters. Even the new addition of a smoky German in a diving suit is welcome and, if you close your eyes while he's talking, you know what you're going to hear? That's right, animation fans, Claus from American Dad!

The plot is a little jerky, but the spectacle and wonder more than make up for it. Hellboy II is wonderfully weird and a breath of fresh air into a stagnant lot of movies in theaters. It's out-cocked Hancock, it's more Incredible than Hulk.

This movie is a blast. Better than the first.

Meet Dave
Meet Dave(2008)

Mr. Murphy,

I have been a fan of yours since Raw, but I?m afraid that your most recent endeavor has left me no choice but to turn in my resignation as a fan.

In case you can?t remember as it appears that you give less of a shit about your latest movies than I do, I?m talking about Meet Dave ? movie where you play an alien spaceship captained by a teeny tiny version of yourself. In this movie, in case you didn?t read the script or realize where you were when you filmed it, the teeny-tiny you is on a mission to retrieve this rock that sucks up water so that your species can drain the oceans or something. To tell you the truth, I got bored with it after a while? almost as bored as you got, apparently.

Let me clue you in, sir. Comedy is supposed to be funny and when I watch a movie like this it feels like I?m watching a five year-old?s idea of what?s funny. Every joke in this movie falls flat and, even though the situation is actually somewhat interesting, the movie makes it all so dull and lifeless that all semblance of entertainment goes right out the window ? or in this case, spaceship Eddie?s right ear.

Let?s get one thing straight, Mr. Murphy, your recent debacles from Pluto Nash to Norbit are the result of pure pampered ego. It?s not that you?re choosing bad scripts or that you?ve lost your creative edge, it?s the fact that you actually have it in that distorted fat head of yours that any bucket of shit that you actually film is funny.

Eddie, at this point, it?s not funny? it?s not boring? it?s embarrassing. You have embarrassed yourself time and time again and you have embarrassed me for being a fan of you for the last time.

Murphy, I?m telling you? stop. Fucking stop. You?re a shadow of yourself, you?re a shallow ugly shell of yourself, you? suck! Stop making movies and return to the standup circuit so that you can feel the sting of being booed off stage. Hopefully, it will teach you a little more humility and make you more thoughtful.

Until then, you can drink a bottle of cancer and eat a dick.

Former fan,
Donner

Hancock
Hancock(2008)

Will Smith is [i]Hancock[/i], a superhero with a lot of power, very little ambition, and even less memory of who he is and where he came from. You'd think that this would be a winning combination, but you're wrong friendo. Sure, it's not terrible and it is entertaining enough to call it a marginal winner, but it's like winning ten cents in the lottery.

I will say though, for the first hour of this movie it looks like it's going to be something special - the journey of a man with amazing gifts coming to terms with who he is. Think of it as an origin story; not really about the bite that created Spider-Man but about how Peter Parker decided to become Spider-Man. There, Hancock shows promise.

But, like most things that show promise nowadays - just like sex - it starts out exciting but then turns messy and nasty quick with an out of nowhere twist that, at the time, seems like a good idea but then turns the entire movie into a cheesy story of starcrossed lovers.

Personally, I blame the writers for this one or whoever the hell it was that decided to turn [i]Hancock [/i]from something unique to something Hollywood with the hap-dashed happy ending bullshit. There were three or four times during this movie that I thought the narrative was going to go dark but each time, it turned into something with a pretty bow to appease the mass market.

Don't start typing your letters at me about how I hate happy endings. I love them. The problem is, when a movie goes out of its way to have one it goes from something to make you smile to something that just looks damn ridiculous.

I will say one thing, though, I can't fault Will Smith this time around. You may laugh at me or whatever, but The Fresh Prince really is one of the best actors working today. Everything he puts his mind to he injects a layer of humanity into; even [i]Hancock[/i]. Even when he's at his drunken worst, you still feel for the guy.

As for the movie - like the hero Hancock - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. When it does, it's a pleaser and when it doesn't it will leave you wishing that it would just go away.

It's not enough to condemn the movie, but it's not enough to tell people to go see it either. Certainly, if you're a fan of the genre you should check it out but for the rest of you, it's going to be a tough sell and I ain't in the mood.

Wanted
Wanted(2008)

To give the customary quick synopsis of [i]Wanted [/i]is hard to do because when you say it out loud, it sounds really fucking stupid.

The cliffnotes are that there is a league of assassins who bring Mr. Tumnus (that's James McAvoy by the way) into the fold after his father is assassinated. McAvoy, who never really knew his father, is shocked to hear that he's got assassin instincts that have been masquerading as some kind of panic disorder and that he has the ability to do such useful things as shooting wings off of flies and curving the path of a bullet.

Oh wait, it gets better.

The League of Assassins get their kill orders by means of a loom which I think is magic or something - sort of like getting your orders directly from God which raises the question of why God doesn't smite these people himself. Anyway, this loom is read by Morgan Freeman who sends his team out on assassination missions - kill one to save a thousand.

Stupid? Yeah, sure... when you see it just said like that it's supremely stupid and I'm talking Special Olympics retarded. The amazing thing is that when you're seated and actually watching the movie and these megatarded plot points come up, you're nodding your head saying, "I understand, please continue." My point is, you kind of get sucked into it and that's why Wanted is a very good action movie.

Not great, but good.

I wouldn't exactly fall all over myself to watch this movie again, but I liked it. It's got some great action, it's nice and gory, some great ideas, and has a nice line-up of attractive people in various states of undress.
It's not deep, but it is a visual delight and there is a ton of coolness to be had by all. Wanted won't win any Oscars, but it's entertaining and with a plot this mind-numbingly stupid, that's saying quite a lot.

Kung Fu Panda

Many people ask me why I submit myself to movies like [i]Meet the Spartans[/i] or [i]You Don't Mess with the Zohan[/i]. Why would I pay perfectly good money on a movie that neither interests me or appears to be something that will entertain me? Is there a reason or am I just a masochist?

You want to know the answer, my friends and colleagues? Here it is: one time only. This is why I go to movies I don't think I will like. It's because when I do go and I do end up enjoying them, it's a surprise and it's those surprises that keep me going and keep me coming back to this website year after year.

That is why I go and see movies that may be bad. For one, I think everyone needs to sit through a bad movie just to remember what a bad movie looks like. Otherwise, you're going to end up a monocled jaggoff who blogs about how much Stephen Spielberg sucks. For two, limiting yourself and your entertainment intake is retarded. How are you going to learn to love new things if you won't experience new things? For third, there are the surprises. I love me some surprises.

I love being surprised and [i]Kung Fu Panda[/i] is a surprise. I would call it a big whopping fat black and white surprise as it's one of the best movies I've seen all year.

Originally, I didn't want to go see it. Celebrity voices and all, it looked like a repeat of that piece of shit [i]Shark Tale[/i] movie, a star propelled river of rancid liquid shit and pop culture references sure to be dated in the time it took to animate the movie.

Thankfully, this isnt' the case. Someone at Dreamworks finally realized they should leave the contemporary commentary to [i]Shrek [/i]and focus on making a great movie - and they have, bless the sacred balance of Yin and Yang, they have.

[i]Kung Fu Panda[/i] tells the tale of a lowly noodle restaurant waiter (who is also a big fat panda) who accidentally (or purposefully, depending on how you look at it) becomes named a Kung Fu Dragon Warrior and must defend the valley he calls home from a powerful snow leopard who has just broken out of prison and is coming to kick some fat.

This is such a great movie! It's funny - which is to be expected - but something which was not expected is what a great action movie it is. There is one fight on a rope bridge that is claws and paws better than anything I have seen come from a genuine Hollywood blockbuster in years.
What's better is that the voice acting fits. From Jack Black's Panda to Dustin Hoffman as the master. Lucy Lui, David Cross, and even Jackie Chan. They're all great.

Loved this movie. Loved it, loved it. loved it. What a suprise.

WALL-E
WALL-E(2008)

With very minimal dialogue and, some would say, such a dour setting one would argue that Wall●e could be considered Pixar's greatest gamble. Certainly, it's got the things to attract people to theaters - cute robots and the Pixar name itself, but will the movie's message about humanity and the dark future that awaits us should we abandon it be enough to keep people there?

I sure hope to hell so. This is a spectacularly human movie... amazing considering how little human's play in the majority of the film.

I often said (up until Cars, at least) that Pixar created a better movie after a better movie after a better movie and posed the question (answered by Cars) of long long they could continue to ramp up quality. Now, after that chain was broken and fused together again by Ratatouille, I find myself asking it again and finding a very hopeful answer.

The whole point about quality is not trying to top yourself time and time again. That's simply not possible. The point is to not fall victim to repetition and monotony; to not string together a line of soon to be dated pop culture references voices by a well-known celebrity and be satisfied by it. The point is to look up and wonder - wonder what new and exciting things are out there to tell stories about and what new and exciting and different way there is to tell it.

In a sense, that's what Wall●e is all about; breaking the chains of repetition and discovering - or in some cases re-discovering - the wonders of art and the world.

In monotony is how we first discover our robotic hero, Wall●e, who is basically a trash compactor on treads. You see, Wall●e is the last functioning clean-up droid on a world that has been abandoned for seven centuries. Every day he goes out, crushes massive amounts of garbage, and stacks them into gigantic skyscraper sized piles. Day after day, year after year... same old thing. However, in Wall●e's case, he feels the need for companionship; poor little guy is a lonely artificial soul.

His chores come to an end when a spaceship lands and a sleek robotic probe called EVE floats out and starts to scan the planet for something. For Wall●e, it's love at first sight.

I don't want to give away too much of this charming, artistic, cautioning, and beautiful movie, but Wall●e's need to break from the familiar is echoed when human's finally get into the picture - now a slothen lazy herd of fat floating around in chairs and completely dependent on technology. Needless to say, there is recognition there that some things need to change despite the fact that some elements don't want them too.

Now, I heard lots of different things coming out of the theater. While the majority of people I overheard and subsequently bugged were happy and fulfilled by their movie going experience, some where offended by the "green" message of the movie (and you have to remember, I'm watching this in Texas where a lot of people are still offended by black people being able to run for president now) others were off-put by the depiction of fat people, while others were mad because the movie wasn't what they expected.

I disagree that the message of Wall●e was green or that it was a put down against fat people - and I say this as a tremendously fat fuck. The message of Wall●e is that humanity is precious and, if we loose that connection with each other and ourselves, we become no different that the machines we build to do our bidding.

Wall●e is an awesome and audacious film, both dark and gloomy while maintaining an air of sweetness and the promise of hope and a better tomorrow. I loved it. I wouldn't call it Pixar's best, but it is certainly their most daring and if you can't keep topping yourself, at least shoot for the moon - even when you miss, you'll end up in the stars.

Best movie I've seen all year. Seriously.

Superhero Movie

Boy, I am getting old. Can you believe that I actually forgot that I watched this movie for, like, two months? Seriously! I forgot I watched it, forgot to write a review of it, and when I happened to hear someone mention it, it all came back to me like I was sitting in one of those giant brainwashing machines from Total Recall.

Superhero Movie - in the tradition of Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Meet the Spartans - is a helter skelter skewering of pop culture, this time centering on Spider-Man, The X-Men, Batman, and other superhero movies. In Superhero Movie, we follow a young man who gets bitten by a radioactive dragonfly and becomes... The Dragonfly... superhero... Oh, forget it.

I hope you're sitting down for this one because I am literally about to shock the shit out of you. I'm serious, kids, as a matter of fact you might want to line the floor with plastic before you read what I am about to write because, I kid you not, shit will literally come exploding out of your anus when you hear what I have to say.

Ready?

I liked this movie.

I'll give you a moment to clean up.

It's true, one of these goddamned Movie movies finally got to me and tickled my funny bone and ballsack. You can't blame me too much, though, after all... David Zucker was behind this one and Leslie Nelson is a supporting player.

I'm not saying that this is a great spoof movie, but if the other Movie movies are warm cat turds, this one is a Big Mac - tastes better, but still terribly bad for you.

So, yes... I enjoyed this movie. Like I said, I wouldn't call this an instant classic and perhaps I am still in shock that one of the Movie movies dished out this much solid entertainment value; but I think the truth is that the story was actually present, the Drake Bell is charming enough to carry that story, and the comedy actually works. Unlike the rest of the Movie movies, Superhero Movie plays like someone put some actual thought in to it rather than just throwing shit at the wall and seeing what stuck.

I would say that this bodes well for the new Movie movies coming out, but based on the ass awful trailer I just watched for Disaster Movie, I think not. Call this a fluke - an entertaining fluke, but a fluke none the less.

You Don't Mess With the Zohan

Adam Sandler is an oversexed Israeli super agent who wants to be a hair stylist!

You see, if you were high as Adam Sandler and his buddies must have been when they thought up the idea for this steaming pile of turds, that would have been the most hilarious thing you had heard since "two firemen pretend to be gay!" The trouble is, I wasn't stoned when I went to watch this movie and if I were going to be on drugs while watching You Don't Mess With the Zohan, my choice would have been LSD because then I could have taken a trip... out of the theater.

Sweet Mother Mary's Breastmilk, this movie is a horrid unfunny waste of shit that was obviously crapped onto a piece of paper and passed off as a script.

I know what you're wondering... is it as bad as I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry? No... No, it's not that bad, but it's still pretty fucking bad. If Chuck and Larry were a zero on a film school exam, Zohan would be a fifteen... better, but still goddamned bad.

It's almost two hours of a barely funny joke stretched and repeated over and over again to the point of breaking - a torture so bad that George W. Bush would use it on Gitmo detainees.

This is an awful, unfunny movie consisting of locker-room humor that your basic roided up sixteen year old jock might find funny - occasionally. There's a limit to even how far knuckle-draggers will take a joke before it gets stale.

And stale it does get - and I mean during the opening credits.
What steams me the most about this lame-ass pool of liquid shit is that it has the menial audacity to actually comment on real world issues while making potty jokes about them - sort of like the crap that Chuck and Larry tried to pull with all the "faggot" jokes and then following them up with a message of tolerance.

Thanks, Adam, but if I want to learn the true meaning of Christmas from a gross-out character, I'll take them from Cartman, thank you.

What happened to the man that gave us Happy Gilmore? For god's sake, at this point I'll even take the guy who gave us The Waterboy over this bullshit.

The Incredible Hulk
½

The more and more I think about Ang Lee's Hulk, the less and less I like it. I know that my initial review of the snorefest wasn't exactly glowing, but I recently rewatched it and was shocked at just how boring a movie it was. A trite tale of family, sure, sparsly peppered with some truly terrible CGI shots of the Hulk and that embarrassing Hulk Dogs sequence.

Bleeh.

It would be a miracle if a new Hulk movie was worse.

Well, boys and girls, now is our chance to find out and while I wouldn't call The Incredible Hulk a great movie, it is a good one... hand over gigantic green fist over the snoozer we already had.

You can call this a re-imagining or a sequel, it works on either level, but the most important thing is that The Incredible Hulk is leaner, meaner, and greener than before - and I don't mean that he's eco-friendly even though he does smash up some of those shitty gas-guzzling Hummers during a rampage.

Go Hulk!

The gist is that Bruce Banner is on the run after being all Hulky and stuff from the Army who want to extract his Hulkiness and make a weapon out it. Imagine that: a weapon that you create that you can't really control or order to do anything constructive - sounds like an Iraqi contractor if I've ever heard one.

Anyway, to capture Hulk without getting unceremoniously smashed, General Ross - the douchey jackass who is running the Hulk Stoppers - gives an obviously unstable soldier something resembling the Hulk serum and bingo, bango, bongo... Hulk has a new enemy to smash.

Also, Liv Tyler is there.

Hey, like I said, this isn't a great movie and no where near the snappiness or sharpness of Iron Man, but it is very unassuming, it's true to not only the comic book, but the old TV show too, and most of all - it's loads of fun and there isn't a single lingering shot of lichen anywhere in this goddamn movie which is a tremendous plus for me.

Ed Norton steps effortlessly into the shoes of Bruce Banner as the movie makes the smart move of not being another boring origin story. The movie is - for the most part - tightly plotted and self-aware enough to poke fun at itself without getting smarmy.

A key complaint - the CGI is fucking terrible. It's over and above anything that Ang Lee's Hulk shat out, but still in this instance it looked cartoonist and unrealistic - or at least not realistic enough for a movie about a ten foot tall green man.

Still, not bad. Not bad at all. The comic book geek in me - despite him never being a fan of the Hulk - is satisfied and happy with the way this movie turned out

The Interpreter
½

Yeah, I haven't give up on the journal yet. Give me another couple of weeks and I might.

All right, new reviews...

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/H/hitchhikersguidetothegalaxy.htm

The Interpreter

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/I/interpreter.htm

Kung fu Hustle

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/K/kungfuhustle.htm

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
½

Yeah, I haven't give up on the journal yet. Give me another couple of weeks and I might.

All right, new reviews...

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/H/hitchhikersguidetothegalaxy.htm

The Interpreter

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/I/interpreter.htm

Kung fu Hustle

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/K/kungfuhustle.htm

Kung Fu Hustle
½

Yeah, I haven't give up on the journal yet. Give me another couple of weeks and I might.

All right, new reviews...

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/H/hitchhikersguidetothegalaxy.htm

The Interpreter

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/I/interpreter.htm

Kung fu Hustle

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/K/kungfuhustle.htm

Sahara
Sahara(2005)

Yeah, I admit it... I'm the laziest bastard on Earth. My big return to my journal lasted an entire day and then I don't touch it again in five months. Yeah, well... whatever.

I got hit in the head with a softball during a game and ended up with a huge goose egg on my head and a concussion. Because I've had the headache for three days now, my wife is forcing me to go to the doctor this weekend. Wee!

Saw three movies this week. The Amityville Horror was pretty horrible. Here's my review of it.

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/A/amityvillehorror.htm

I liked Fever Pitch.

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/F/feverpitch.htm

And I even liked Sahara.

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/S/sahara.htm

And, um... that's about it. Now to get hopped on on pain pills and finish out this shitty workday.

The Amityville Horror
½

Yeah, I admit it... I'm the laziest bastard on Earth. My big return to my journal lasted an entire day and then I don't touch it again in five months. Yeah, well... whatever.

I got hit in the head with a softball during a game and ended up with a huge goose egg on my head and a concussion. Because I've had the headache for three days now, my wife is forcing me to go to the doctor this weekend. Wee!

Saw three movies this week. The Amityville Horror was pretty horrible. Here's my review of it.

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/A/amityvillehorror.htm

I liked Fever Pitch.

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/F/feverpitch.htm

And I even liked Sahara.

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/S/sahara.htm

And, um... that's about it. Now to get hopped on on pain pills and finish out this shitty workday.

Fever Pitch
Fever Pitch(2005)
½

Yeah, I admit it... I'm the laziest bastard on Earth. My big return to my journal lasted an entire day and then I don't touch it again in five months. Yeah, well... whatever.

I got hit in the head with a softball during a game and ended up with a huge goose egg on my head and a concussion. Because I've had the headache for three days now, my wife is forcing me to go to the doctor this weekend. Wee!

Saw three movies this week. The Amityville Horror was pretty horrible. Here's my review of it.

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/A/amityvillehorror.htm

I liked Fever Pitch.

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/F/feverpitch.htm

And I even liked Sahara.

http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/S/sahara.htm

And, um... that's about it. Now to get hopped on on pain pills and finish out this shitty workday.

Hero
Hero(2004)

[font=Verdana]I just got finished watching [b][i]Hero[/i][/b] and I'm scrambling for words to describe it but one keeps running through my head over and over and over again... beauty. As far as action movies go... heck, as far as movies as a whole go, [i]Hero[/i] might just be one of the most hauntingly beautiful works of art ever committed to film. I have no trouble or reservation with saying that either... Hero could very well be one of [i]the most[/i] beautiful films I've ever seen.[/font][font=Verdana]

I remember a couple of years ago I caught a neat little movie called [i]The Cell[/i] and lamented that it was a gorgeous movie but didn't have a very interesting story to back it up. It was with a load of regret that I left that movie thinking, "wow, what if that would have been engaging as well as pretty to look at?"

[/font][font=Verdana]Well, kids, welcome to a movie that is both.[/font][font=Verdana]

Hero is all about a warrior called to the court of the Chinese king because he has slain three assassins. While there, he tells the king about his deeds in a series of flashbacks that I can only describe as dream-like fairy tales. Of course, this being a movie of thoughtful twists and quiet turns, all is never as it appears.[/font][font=Verdana]

The story behind [i]Hero[/i] does get a little iffy, but it's easily compensated by the lush colors, spectacular fight sequences that look more like a ballet crossed with The Matrix, and an epic feel that eludes just about every movie made today.[/font][font=Verdana]

If this movie hasn't made a blip on your radar (and you don't mind subtitles) get yourself to a theater and see it. Even an illiterate who can't read the subtitles can appreciate this work of art that just happens to have kicks and swords.

[/font]I hate to say it again because I feel like I'm repeating myself, but [i]Hero[/i][font=Verdana] is stunningly beautiful and has an engaging story to boot. I cannot recommend this amazing film enough.[/font][font=Verdana][i]

Hero[/i] definitely has a spot on my top ten this year.[/font]

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid

Since most of the sequels this year from Spider-Man 2 to The Bourne Supremacy have ruled, I guess it's only natural that the cosmic scales would balance themselves out and we'd get a few cinematic continuations that completely blow. Now, granted, the 1997 shlock-fest, Anaconda, was not what I would call a great triumph of filmmaking. I mean, simply put... it was awful. So bad, in fact, that it became unintentionally funny.

Well, to continue that tradition of bad and unintentionally funny, we now have a somewhat sequel called Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid. This time around, Jon Voight, J-Lo, and Owen Wilson may not be embarrassing themselves for 90 minutes, but the dialogue is worse, the plot is even more atrocious, the acting is more horrendous, and oddly - after seven years of special effect advances, the special effects look even more amateurish.

Here's the plot... it's complicated so keep up. Uh... There's a flower called the blood orchid that can make you live forever so a bunch of edibles go to the deepest parts of Boreno to pick them up. While there, big snakes start eating them.

And... that's about it.

Sure, there's the tried old trick of making one of the characters a villain so the movie will have some sort of human conflict, but that's really immaterial... Anacondas is about big snakes eating screaming people and that's it. There was no other reason to make this movie. Why anyone would put any real effort into making something so bad... so unentertaining... and so pointless and unmemorable is beyond me but, then again, if you happen to be unlucky enough to catch this movie you'll see just how little real effort was put into the making of this movie.

This movie is bad... bad in every sense of the word. It's a crime against Joe Public who makes a little over minimum wage doing hard manual labor that seven... count them... seven Hollywood writers actually got money to write this thing.

To top it all off the actors are terrible... Granted, they don't have a lot to work with, but these people... awful! Could Johnny Messner possibly be troubled to add more than one note to his acting? And what about Eugene Byrd? Good lord, was it his goal in this movie to be the most annoying character in the flick? What's worse, the writers actually go out of their way to save this character at every possible turn... even sacrificing the few interesting characters to do it! Was it some kind of obligation to keep the screaming black man - some writer's idea of hilarious comic relief - in the movie as long as possible?

Trust me, you start rooting for the snakes early on in this movie.

I really wasn't expecting a whole lot from this flick and I didn't get a whole lot so I'm not really overly disappointed... other than the fact that I willingly spent money to see it. You may find yourself laughing at this movie more than you should which may give it some value in camp circles, but in the end Anacondas is a stupid watered-down horror sequel that just shouldn't have been made. With no terror, no suspense, and not even enough gratuitous gore to satisfy your base horror needs, this man-eating snake movie should just slither to the Blockbuster bargain bin where it belongs.

Exorcist: The Beginning

That right, you honkey motherfuckers! I'm back and so is my journal! You don't like it? SUFFER!

And now, here's my review of EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING!

Time for another trip to an already dry well, kids, with Exorcist: The Beginning. Yep, the new buzz word is prequel... when you're out of ideas to go foreword, why not backwards? I mean, if you've seen the last two Exorcist movies, you know that they can't get much worse, right?

Thankfully, it doesn't. Granted, Exorcist: The Beginning isn't a great movie by any means... It'd be a stretch to call it average... but it's not overly terrible. Boring, yes... Plodding, yes... Predictable... you betcha. Worse than Exorcist II or Exorcist III? Not by a long shot.

Exorcist: The Beginning is all about Father Merrin's first encounter with Satan while on an archeological dig in Africa. I guess I should point out that at this point in his life, Merrin has lost his faith and turned his back on the church and, wow, isn't that a bold story choice? I mean, a priest who has lost his faith. What a completely original idea! I don't believe I've ever seen anything like that in this kind of movie!

Anyway, Merrin goes to Africa to figure out why an ancient Christian church has been found buried in an area that shouldn't have had Christianity in the first place when it was built. Upon entering, Merrin and his various expendable friends unleash an evil that take possession over the land.

Pea soup for everyone!

In of itself, I suppose that The Beginning is a somewhat satisfying backstory to The Exorcist which is, I still believe, the scariest movie I've ever seen. But even though this prequel starts out promising and creepy, it quickly falls back on easy shock scares and horror movie clichés until the entire affair becomes one big - and painfully ordinary - mess.

On top of all this, Exorcist: The Beginning commits the biggest sin that a horror movie can... it's boring. Not the slow methodical pace of The Others, but rather a wandering where-the-heck-do-we-go-next mentality that is easily felt as you watch it.

I wouldn't say watching this movie was pure Hell, but Exorcist: The Beginning is not what I would call an effective or even a very interesting horror movie. It's okay in a B-movie sort of way and if you go in with little expectations hoping for nothing but gore you won't be disappointed, but for us long-time fans of The Exorcist this is just another slap in the face.

The Haunted Mansion

Yeah, so I've gone two weeks without an update. Screw all of you! Don't you freakin' judge me!!!

[b]THE HAUNTED MANSION[/b]

Since the first time I visited Walt Disney World over 12 years ago, the first thing I head for is my favorite attraction, The Haunted Mansion. What is it that attracts me to this rather feeble attempt at theme park horror? You've got me... I just love it. I will always love it, and God-willing when I'm a feeble old man of 90, I will still be boarding a doom buggy to explore the Gracie Mansion.

So, I was actually sort of looking foreword to The Haunted Mansion movie. Granted, I had plenty of reservations about the film, but I had to take into account that Pirates of the Caribbean was an excellent film when it had no right to be. Maybe The Haunted Mansion would be different?

The Evers family consisting of a real estate agent mom and dad and two kids come to the Gracie Mansion thinking that they are there to arrange to sell the joint. What they don't realize is that the mansion is haunted and that the ghosts are after more than just a lucrative sell.

Eddie Murphy plays the father of the family and let me just say, out of all of Eddie Murphy's roles over the years... this had got to be the most grating... the most irritating... and the most phoned in performance of them all. You can tell that this wasn't a project that Eddie cared a whole hell of a lot about.

But, then again, neither did the writers. I mean, what else can you say about a movie that goes from juvenile puns and cutesy ghosts one minute, then barrels into pure attempted terror the next. Watching this movie is like taking a doom buggy through the Haunted Mansion having it jerk and sputter the entire way.

This movie is weak, ill thought out, and just plain stupid. There was a great opportunity to make a good movie and everyone involved blew it big time.
Despite it all, I still have a little love for this movie... if only for the fact that I love the ride so much. Would I recommend it though?

Oh, hell no.

The Breakfast Club

Before he became obsessed with weepy touchy-feely kids movies, John Hughes brought forth upon the land a movie about breaking down barriers and forming new bonds.

The Breakfast Club is a movie about five very different kids (the jock, the princess, the weird girl, the nerd, and the rebel) who have to spend a Saturday together in detention. As they talk about every day things, the walls that usually keep them apart begin to dissolve and new friendships are born... though not without plenty of labor pains.

Starring much of the Brat Pack of the eighties, The Breakfast Club is a starkly honest and funny look at social cliques and why the strong prey on the weak. The movie is heavy on dialogue with very little action or violence, but the pace and content of the conversations change so many times, that the movie always seems fresh and never turns stale.

Simply put, this movie is a masterpiece of eighties cinema that very few comedies ever come close to reaching. It's smart, it's funny, it's thought-provoking, and it has a heart. It's a movie that makes you laugh and actually says something intelligent in the process.

It sounds a little funny saying it now, but the Brat Pack were quite a gifted bunch of actors. Anthony Michael Hall, Emilo Estevez, Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald, and Ally Sheedy all have their roles nailed and there's hardly a misfire in their acting.

It's quotable, it's loveable, and it's a whole lot of other "bles." Children of the eighties should love this film and even the children of subsequent and past decades could probably see a lot of themselves in it.

Bowling for Columbine

I do not like Michael Moore. I don't like his methods, I don't like his smug self-important attitude.

Don't think he's smug and self-important? All you have to do is watch him tell his version of what happened during his Oscar acceptance speech to see how self-deluded this man is. I mean, come on... I'm no fan of George W. Bush by any means, but "booing the booers?" Mr. Moore, who exactly are you trying to kid here?

Still, I have to admit... this man is a great filmmaker and, even though it does reek with propaganda and Moore's own little agenda, Bowling for Columbine is a great documentary.

In this fascinating flick, Moore explores why America is so violent. Is it the violence we see on TV? In the movies? Is it those violent video games? Do we need gun control? Far be it for me to spoil for you what Mr. Moore discovers or how he discovers it, because not only do the results of his exploration merit a lot of thought, but the journey towards his final destination is an interesting and entertaining one.

Sure, you have to take a lot of Moore's rhetoric with a grain of salt (and sometimes with an entire saltshaker), but Bowling for Columbine does what every great documentary should do... it presents information, it pisses you off, and it makes you think all while being entertaining, funny as hell, and somber when it is supposed to be somber.

Eh, I still don't care very much for Michael Moore, but I've got to give it to him... he makes damn fine documentary.

Bowfinger
Bowfinger(1999)

Eddie's back and he's proving that he still has what it takes to be a great comedic actor. Years ago, I said that Eddie should have been nominated for an Oscar for The Nutty Professor for playing six different parts so flawlessly that it is doubtful that another actor could have done it. Of course, The Nutty Professor was entertaining and hilarious and thus didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning anything.

Well, it's three years later and now we have another comedy in which Eddie plays more than one part. It's not as funny as The Nutty Professor nor does it require Eddie to play six different parts (he only plays two), but it's high-brow comedy, very well written and executed and - as I said before with The Nutty Professor - this is a movie Eddie at least should get a nomination from.

Eddie plays a big-time actor Kip Ramsey who's mainly a jerk and a paranoid delusionist (big stretch!) who is unknowingly filmed by sleazy moviemaker Bobby Bowfinger (Steve Martin) who's only hope of selling a movie is to have Kip in the movie. Bowfinger recruits a bunch of misfit stars and techs and a Kip Ramsey look-a-like (also played by Eddie) to make what they all think will be the best movie ever...

...but ends up having worse cinematography than The Blair Witch Project.

Basically, Eddie Murphy's the star of this movie. He plays Kip Ramsey as a paranoid egotist on the edge of a nervous breakdown and Jiff the look-a-like as a sweet little socially retarded nerd. Dammit, nominate this man for an Oscar!

Steve Martin's great too as the slick-talking Bowfinger and comes off as unscrupulous, but not mean or evil. I'm glad to see Steve making movies again and I am really glad to see Steve making good movies again.

Heather Graham plays an actress sleeping her way to the top (big stretch there, Heather!), Jamie Kennedy plays a GenX cameraman, and poor wittle Robert Downy Jr. plays an agent.

Bowfinger is a comedy about deception, confusion, and coincidence that works beautifully... almost like an old Abbott and Costello movie. You know the heroes don't have a chance in hell of making their movie or succeeding, but you've got to watch anyway because you just know that everything is going to work out somehow in the end.

The Bourne Identity
½

Matt Damon is the latest ill-cast young heartthrob in a spy movie in The Borne Identity, the story of Jason Borne, a guy who doesn't know who he is or where he comes from after being rescued from the ocean by a French fishing boat.

Following the clues given him, including a nifty little gadget found embedded in his hip, Borne tries to track down his identity but is soon followed by people trying to kill him. But who? Why? Are they spies? Double agents? Foreign operatives? People who saw The Talented Mister Ripley and got pissed off?

I have to commend The Borne Identity for what it does. It tries to tell a mystery with no ridiculous stunts, no outrageous special effects, and no overpowering stunt work. It's just a plain and simple sleuth movie where a guy tries to figure stuff out and elude the bad guys while doing it.

Of course, on the downside, the mystery isn't all that interesting to begin with. We're pretty sure who Borne is when he's first rescued and most of the movie is spent as the characters try to catch up with the audience. Also, Borne spends a large portion of the movie escaping and outsmarting his enemies and none of it is very terribly exciting at all.

And, as I did when I reviewed The Sum of All Fears, I have to bring up the fact that Matt Damon is not spy material. Sure, a young spy in The Borne Identity is more forgivable than someone like Ben Affleck stepping into the role of an established older character, but if he doesn't fit the part... he doesn't fit the part.

All that said, this isn't that bad of a movie. Sure, it's got more than its fair share of glitches, gaffs, and glaring problems, but if you want to plunk down five bucks for a matinee, you probably won't be overly disappointed. All in all, it's a decent flick. Nothing worth going out of your way to go see but nothing that should be purposely dismissed either.

The biggest problem with this movie are the missed opportunities that could have taken it from average to amazing but now it's just going to be known in some circles as The Bored Identity.

Book of Shadows - Blair Witch 2

When The Blair Witch Project made a hundred jillion dollars, a sequel was pretty much an inevitability. This was the sequel everyone wanted, but it looks like the fathers of the Blair Witch have come out with a movie nobody wants. Such is the case with Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, a pretty unimpressive sequel to the groundbreaking camera-shaking 98 fright flick. In this quicky-made money-maker of a movie, five folks go into the woods of Burkitsville hunting for the Blair Witch. Everyone's seen the movie and the sleepy little town is alive with tourists, Wiccins, and film buffs... but is the witch real? Is Ellie Kedward really leading people to their doom three hundred years after her death? Could this movie get any more disappointing?

Book of Shadows starts out promising as it makes fun of the media hype over the first Blair Witch movie, and the characters question the first movie asking questions like, two guys... one girl... no sex? but it quickly disappears into the muck of a formulaic haunted house movie with annoying cutting and not a good scare during it's run. I didn't like this movie very much, but it's not exactly a bad movie. I guess I'm a little bitter because The Blair Witch Project was such a magnificent turn on the horror genre and it deserved better than to get a second-rate sequel. It's got all of the gusto, but none of the style.

Okay... random observations:

1. Okay, so goth chick is psychic and no one seems to have a problem with that?
2. Wicca chick says that Ellie Kedward was a good witch... ooooookay, so I guess she's just killing children, campers, and filmmakers out of frustration? Someone get that witch a therapist!
3. Call me picky, but somehow I was expecting some sort of a book in this movie. You know, a book about shadows or something?
4. Damn, that is one spooky looking owl!
5. Two guys... one girl... mucho stress... okay, I'll bite: Why wasn't there any sex going on in the first Blair Witch movie?
6. Okay, dead chick isn't scaring me.
7. Psycho guy is staring at video monitors a teensy bit two much.
8. Josh, Michael, and Heather must be rolling in their graves right about now. 9. Blair Witch doesn't need another sequel! It needs a prequel, dammit!
10. There is, like, way too much rock music in this movie. God, give it a rest!
11. THAT was the end? WHAT A GIP!!!

Chalk this one up next to The Lost World, Batman and Robin, and Mortal Kombat 2. Book of Shadows is one sequel that just shouldn't have been made.

Bones
Bones(2001)

Snoop Dog plays a gangster risen from the grave to avenge his murder in Bones? the comedy? er, I mean? horror movie? I mean, comedy? I mean? hell? the new movie from the rapper turned actor.

Oh boy, folks. Where do I even begin?

First of all, it?s a travesty that rappers are taking parts away from more deserving actors. Either rap or act? you can?t have both!

Secondly, how long are we going to let these rappers turned actors stroke their egos? I mean, Emenim has a movie coming out and now Snoop Dog has this lovingly crafted 90-minute tribute to himself? Folks, it?s time to rise up against the rappers and eat them.

Thirdly, when does mumbling constitute acting? Will someone throw me a frickin? bone on this, would ya?

I?m not sure if Bones is supposed to be a satire, a comedy, or a scary movie because, truth is, it?s not satirical, it?s not funny, and it?s not at all scary. The movie has a style to it that can?t be denied (or explained away), but this is just a bad movie. It?s just an over inflated and stupid self-tribute to a basically untalented performer.

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie

If you live in any of the Southern states of America, you are no doubt aware of the comic banterings of Jeff Foxworthy and his, "you might be a redneck if..." jokes. Hell, here in Texas he's practically a household name.

Well, Foxworthy, along with his partners Bill Engvall, Ron White, and Larry the Cable Guy, have brought their act to the big screen in the stand up movie aptly titled Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie.

Now, this movie is mostly harmless backwoods humor and, I'll admit, a lot of it is pretty funny. What sets this apart from the more recent comedy concert movies is that this one isn't mean spirited and exclusionary. This one is bright, happy, and innocent and, if you ask me, it's a welcome change of pace from the offensive Runteldat and other self-masturbatory concert movies.

I don't understand, however, why Foxworthy is headlining this tour instead of Bill Engvall. Bill is just funnier. He doesn't rely on tired gags, worn out jokes, or stupidity... the man is intelligent, honest, and funny. Don't get me wrong, all these guys are funny... but Bill Engvall is playing a second fiddle when he should be leading the band.

Time to step aside, Mr. Foxworthy.

Hick comedy may not be your forte, but I'm giving this movie a recommendation anyway. You can't go wrong with a movie when four comedians run rampant in a mall with a fart machine. It's just not possible.

Blast From the Past
½

Blast from the Past - which isn't - finds Brendan Frasier as a grown up little boy raised by his crazy and paranoid parents in a bomb shelter for thirty-five years because they believe that the Cuban Missile Crisis escalated into a full-scale war.

Supplies are running low so Brendan Fraiser's character, Adam, ventures to the surface to the first time and faces 1999 head on hoping for the best - but meets Alica Silverstone instead.

Folks, this is romantic comedy at it's hokeiest. Brendan's sweet little nativity wears thin after fifteen minutes and Alica's bug-up-her-ass character is almost as hard to swallow as her Clueless role.

Brendan plays yet another nice guy who's been out of civilization for years (See George of the Jungle or Encino Man... on second thought, don't see Encino Man. I'm beginning to wonder if ol' Brendan's getting typecast as the fish out of water.) and Alica plays a bitch.

It does finally answer the question of why sweet women are always dating jerks. It's because all of the sweet guys are dating bitches. Figure it out people and, for God's sake, fix it!

The Blair Witch Project

I went through hell to see this movie. I traveled to Dallas after it was first put into limited release and had to miss out due to Star Wars sized lines and sold out showings. Later, after it went into full release, the conservative, communist, and nazi-esque elements in the city I live in conspired together and our local theaters did not get The Blair Witch Project. More and more I wanted to see this move and so more and more I prepared myself for a major disappointment. Roger Ebert (one of the few critics I actually respect) said the movie was the scariest in years. Harry Knowles (Who I don't respect) agreed (but, then again, he also recommended duds like The Haunting and Wild, Wild West). A slew of critics were praising The Blair Witch Project while the average everyday Joe was calling it a cataclysmic bore. I was looking foreward to the movie, but was ready to be let down.

Finally.... salvation. After a two-hour drive to Abilene, Texas (yes, out of staters... that town really does exist!) me, my sister, my brother, and a few of my cousins went to the mall of that city to finally see what all of the hubub about The Blair Witch was. Now, if you know nothing about this movie stop reading this review and go see it. Find this movie and watch it if you've heard none of the details of how or why it was made. I'm serious, do not read this review if you haven't heard of this movie because it's the perfect time for you to see it.

The Blair Witch Project is a strikingly effective mock-umentary about film recovered one year after the three student filmmakers who shot it disappeared while investigating the myth of the supernatural Blair Witch in the woods in Maryland. The film is a dramatic departure from anything I've ever seen before because the entire movie is seen through the lenses of camera's operated by the actors in the middle of the woods. The cinematography is camcorder-quality and there's more shots of pitch-blackness and the forest floor than anything else. It gives the film a creepy air of realism especially to those who don't know if the film is real or not.

Well, allow me to clue you in... (last chance if you haven't heard of this movie to turn back!) ...the movie is bogus. That's right. Those student filmmakers are actors... the Blair Witch doesn't exist... the film's weren't recovered a year after some disappearances. The idea that it is real is due, in part, to an ingenious promotional campaign and an equally fake mock-unmentary on the Sci-Fi Channel called Curse of the Blair Witch. This is the smartest ad campaign I've seen since the first Batman movie. Take my word for it, The Blair Witch Project is a work of fiction.

And that's... okay. After all, isn't that what Hollywood is all about? A fiction and fantasy department? When was the last time you ever saw a "real" movie come out of Hollywood? If you said Faces of Death, then you're clueless because 99.95 percent of that movie is bogus too!

You see, there is a growing and vocal group on the internet right now who are going out of their way to say that The Blair Witch project is crap. They're calling it the Bore Witch Project and are stating over and over again that the movie isn't worth the celluloid it's printed on.

Folks, you trust me don't you? Over the three years I've had this site up, you trust my judgment, don't you? Okay... that in mind, let me just say that...

...The Blair Witch Project is the most scary fucking movie I have seen since... oh, hell.... since for at least the last two decades! I am not kidding people, I went into this movie with the full knowledge that it was fake and, lo and behold, there were instances that my heart beat uncontrollably, my breath became short, and I nearly pissed myself. I cannot recommend this movie enough times.

You see, a few weeks ago I had the great misfortune of watching the cinematic turd, The Haunting and in my review I pointed out that we are scared of what we can't see... not a hundred million dollars worth of CGI ghosts, moving statues, and faces on drapes. You see, back in the glory days of Hollywood horror - before CGI - we rarely saw the monster and so, our own imagination ran wild.

What does the monster in The Blair Witch Project look like? You got me... they never show it. You never see the Blair Witch in a single frame of the movie. Instead, all you see are dark ominous woods.

The three filmmakers trek through the trees looking for the Blair Witch and end up getting lost. Soon, they find strange stacks of stones and stick-figure weavings hanging from the tree. Night after night noises permeate the dark around their campsite and soon, they discover more of the weavings and stone stacks... right in front of their tent!

The film takes on an air or realism that is uncanny and spooky. You may not be scared by The Blair Witch Project, but you will be creeped out.

All I can say about the detractors of this movie is that... well, I hate to say this because it's usually the last haven for a critic who has no clue, but... well... they just don't get it! Their brains have been numbed by pieces of shit like Lake Placid, Urban Legend, and basically anything that Kevin Williamson writes. They just don't know what horror is anymore... they're so used to a damned masked killer chasing a scantily clad anorexic high school chick with humongous eyes that they forget that horror is not gore and cheap startles. Horror... good horror... is the thing that makes you afraid of the dark... it makes you afraid to go in the water... it makes you afraid to go in the basement.

The Blair Witch Project will make you afraid to go into the woods. It gives us scenes, dialogue, and imagery that sticks with you and generates honest-to-god fear. This film is genius in simplicity and devilish in execution... the best horror movie to not only come out this year, but for at least the past twenty years.

Prepare for Blair, people... this is a movie you should not miss. The more and more I think about it, the more and more I like it. Hopefully, the success of this movie will send Hollywood a message about horror. Less is more!

...the bad news?

Hollywood is going to rip this movie off soooooooo badly. You think the Scream knock-offs were bad? Imagine how bad they're going to be after a scary movie that blows Scream out of the water!

Black Hawk Down

Good thing about Blackhawk Down: This movie is bold and unforgiving in it's depiction of the failed US campaign against Somali warlords.

Bad thing about Blackhawk Down: Not only does this movie star psuedo-actor Josh Hartnett, but also that retarded stuttering jackass from Pearl Harbor... it was like a damned reunion or something!

Good thing about Blackhawk Down: The battle sequences are stunning, gritty, and well-directed.

Bad thing about Blackhawk Down: As soon as the battle sequences are over, war bonding clichés take over in full force.

Good thing about Blackhawk Down: Directed by Ridley Scott.

Bad thing about Blackhawk Down: Looks a lot like Ridley Scott's G.I. Jane.

Good thing about Blackhawk Down: Excellent cast: Ewan McGregor, Tom Sizemore, Jeremy Piven...

Bad thing about Blackhawk Down: Good English/Scottish actors adopt a Southern American accent that makes them sound completely inbred.

Good thing about Blackhawk Down: Realistically depicts Somalia under the rule of warlords.

Bad thing about Blackhawk Down: Said Somalians are reduced to nothing more than screaming props being machined gunned down a dozen at a time without even delving into why they're attacking Americans.

Bang! Zow! Boom! Welcome to war Ridley Scott style. While Blackhawk Down, the story of the disastrous 1993 raid in Mogadishu Somalia is an unflinching and brilliantly envisioned movie, it's also redundant and empty emphasizing flash and style over substance. Basically, take the first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan and stretch them out over two hours and you've got this movie. After all the hype, I am extremely disappointed but after Ridley Scott farted out the equally over hyped Gladiator last year, I should have expected it.

Still, as I mentioned, the movie is unflinching and hard-hitting and, when there is a battle going on it's hard to turn away. Black Hawk Down is an important movie, much like Saving Private Ryan and, like Saving Private Ryan, I don't think I'll ever see it again.

The Black Cauldron
½

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/B/images/blackcauldron2.jpg[/img][/center]

You wouldn't know it by it's state in the now, but Disney wasn't always the financial juggernaut it is today. In fact, in the 1980's, the studio was on pretty shaky financial legs until a little mermaid named Ariel swam by and saved the mouse factory from sinking by ushering in the animation renaissance of the 1990's and Belle, Simba, Quasimodo, Woody, Buzz, Tarzan, and Stitch (with a little help from Michael Eisner) gave the mouse back its roar.
In that time of financial uncertainty, there were some... well, let's just call them interesting cinematic experiments (including the horrendously bad but fun Oliver & Company). One of those experiments was buying up the rights to the novels of Lloyd Alexander and bringing them to the screen in beautiful cartoon form.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but the result had Disney fanatics running for the hills. A shame really, because The Black Cauldron is really not a bad movie. Is it worthy of the moniker, "A Disney Masterpiece?" Not by a long shot... but if you're one of those people who lament endlessly about Disney being too kid-friendly, this is most definitely a movie you should look into.

The movie, as you can pretty much imagine, centers around an enchanted mythical black cauldron that can give its owner the power to take over the world. The opening narration of the movie explains that an evil king was encased in molten iron and that iron was made into the cauldron to which I say... WICKED!!!

Understandably, the black cauldron would be something of a boon to an evil queen, king, dictator, or overlord and - as you've probably guessed - an evil sorcerer called The Horned King decides to hunt down the magical stew pot to take over the world.

Into this tale, we throw in Taran... a young pig farmer who dreams of becoming a hero. Well, his dreams begin to come true when he learns that his favorite pig can tell the future (no, I'm not kidding) and the Horned King finds out about it and comes to claim the pig as his own. Taran is forced to take the pig into hiding, he meets up with some colorful characters, and finally lives his dream of becoming a celebrated hero.

And so, The Black Cauldron begins. Not a terrible movie, but not that great of a movie either. Like I said, if anything, it's an interesting artifact from Disney's troubled years.

The chief complaint I've heard more times about this movie is that it is a dark sinister tale full of things that would just scare the hell out of normal kids and, to tell you the truth, the advocates of that argument do have a point and one must wonder exactly who this movie was made for.

On one hand, you have disgustingly cute sidekicks like the squeaky-voiced and furry Gurgi, there are cute little fairies at one point, and even the hideously deformed and evil Horned King has a cute comical sidekick.

On the other hand, the Horned King is a terrifying villain who looks almost satanic. There's a gruesome zombie army at one point and, if I'm not wrong, the only suicide ever committed by a Disney character. It's some pretty heavy stuff.

The Black Cauldron just couldn't find an audience and the bad word of mouth sank this movie. Perhaps if the story had been better or if it had just been aimed strictly for adults or strictly for children, it might have amounted to something more than a red blot on Disney's financial record.

Needless to say, Disney buried this movie for almost 15 years before allowing it a release as a "Disney Masterpiece". Of course, considering they also labeled The Aristocats a masterpiece doesn't say much for that classification.

The Black Cauldron isn't a horrible movie, but it's not that engrossing or exciting either. If anything, it's an interesting throwback to a desperate time for a studio that often made a name for itself for playing it safe. The animation is dingy and dull, the story's not overly wonderful, and some of the characters are just annoying.

Still, it's an interesting film... for no better reason than watching the direction Disney was willing to take when its back was up against the wall. One must wonder how that studio might have proceeded if it had been a hit.

Blade II
Blade II(2002)
½

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/B/images/blade2.jpg[/img]

Who's that cocky champ who's a death machine to all the vamps?
Blade!
You damn right. That Blade is a mad mother...
Shut yo' mouth!
Bitch, don't tell me to shut up! Now, GET ME A SODA!

Oh yeah! It's been a long time coming, but Blade is finally back and he's just as bad and just as dangerous as when we last saw him making a fillet out of Steven Dorff. Well, now Blade is forced to team up with the vampires he's hunted for so many years when a new breed of nightstalkers appears called the reapers... a vampire race that feeds on both humans and vampires. Oh, they're also immune to silver bullets and garlic making them pretty much the blitzkrieg of blood suckers.

Sitting though monstrosities like Batman and Robin, Howard the Duck, and The Punisher, I've always said that to truly make a great comic book movie, you gotta get a comic book writer to do it. Well, New Line not only got a comic book writer to write Blade II, but they got one of the best. His name is David Goyer and if you haven't read JSA yet, turn off your computer and get a copy because it's the best book out there.

Getting back to this movie... Folks, I cannot stress what a badass ride this movie is. It's got all the elements of the first movie that I loved and then some. The always entertaining Ron Pearlman, the very entertaining Danny John Jules from Red Dwarf (Oh my GOD! The Cat is a vampire!), and a bunch of other people I don't know the names of make up the elite fighting vampire commando team called The Blood Pack and they even managed to get Kris Kristofferson back as Whistler in a half-assed plausible and believable way even though he supposedly blew his brains out in the first movie.

The action and fight scenes in Blade II are also top notch... the fights are aided by CGI and not just created by it. This is probably the first movie I've ever seen to accurately and realistically depict a hand to hand battle between two superpowered beings. It's cool and lots of stuff gets broken. It's horrifically gorey, and gloriously violent... this is the kind of stuff that I've been missing from movies lately.

Once again, a Marvel superhero is adapted successfully. First Blade, then The X-Men, and now Blade again... hopefully, Spider-Man will kick half the ass this movie did. As for DC? Well, last I heard they're still trying to pull Batman out of the pile that Akiva Goldsmith and Joel Shumacher left him in. Where's Green Lantern? Wonder Woman? The Flash? Hell, give us an Aquaman movie for God's sake!

See this movie. Right now. It's every bit as good as Blade's first outing.

Blade
Blade(1998)
½

Welcome to my shitty 1998 review of Blade. This was back when I really didn't put a lot of effort into my reviews. Check back tomorrow for my review of Blade 2 and you'll see that I do improve. Until then, just point and laugh at this crappy effort.

BLADE

I don't know who kicked the superhero movie makers in the butt, but I sure would like to shake his or her hand. After years of sitting through comic book movies like Suck-man and Robin and other gems like Steel, The Punisher, Captain America, and lest us least forget Howard the F**k, we are given Blade... a movie about a half human/half vampire who hunts those annoying little bloodsuckers with the help of Kris Kristopherson. Blade was a good movie, not exactly the best I've seen this summer, but as far as superhero movies go, it's Shakespeare. Wesley Snipes is a pretty kick-ass vampire hunter and Kris Kristopherson is... well, just kinda there... for a little while. Steven Dorff is also in the movie. You may remember him from the classic Dorff on Golf or Dorff on Fishing... or was that a different Dorff? I don't know. Traci Lords is in Blade as well.... although, I don't have the first clue who she is and why she's so important. (Actually, I do... she's the authority on sucking things and the producers thougt she'd make a good vampire. Just remember, Traci... go for the neck this time!) All kidding aside, Blade is probably more suited to the comic book crowd than anyone else. It's gory, and I believe that every fourth or fifth word in the script is "f**k". So, in other words, unlike other comic book zeroes, Blade isn't watered down. In fact, he's more potent than ever.

Big Trouble
Big Trouble(2002)

By all rights, Big Trouble should be a movie I love. A great ensemble cast, a heck of a writer, and a decent director should make a great movie, right? The story or how a group of completely different people come together through weird happenstance and coincidence to stop a nuclear bomb from destroying Miami should be funny as hell, right?

EHHHHH!!! Wrong, sorry. Tell them what they've won, Alex.

It's painful to watch a movie like this stray from the fine line of greatness, but from the very beginning, Big Trouble begins to live up to its name. Just one unfunny scene after another played for laughs that aren't deserved and never come.

There's one great scene in this movie that has to do with an hallucinogenic toad and Martha Stewart, but now that I've probably ruined it for you, there's no reason for you to waste your time seeing this movie in theaters.

Sure, when it's on video, it'll be worth a look, but until then... stay out of trouble.

Big Momma's House
½

My 2000 review of Big Momma's House...

Martin Lawrence is back (WHY, GOD!? WHY!?) as an undercover policeman (Again!) who goes undercover as an overwieght grandmother to catch a bank robber though his former girlfriend who may or may not be innocent in helping him. So, of course he falls in love with her and comes to a very difficult and very predictable dillemma. Of course, he's going to kill the bad guy and marry the girl dispite the fact that he's been lying to her the entire movie.
And so goes the latest man-in-drag movie, Big Momma's House, a movie that obviously came about because of the forthcoming The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps. Big Momma's House borrows from a lot of it's cross-dressing presessesors... Mrs. Doubtfire, Tootsie, and - of course - The Nutty Professor. It doesn't improve on them at all, but the almagom is a nice diversion for a few minutes. There are a few cheap and tasteless laughs and, since I don't have a lot to say about thsi movie, here comes a few of my famous random movie thoughts?.

1. I knew this movie wouldn't be able to get by for fifteen minutes without a fart joke. Hooray for toliet humor!
2. Okay... that was the most disturbing nude scene I've ever experienced. Wanna see fat old naked people? See this movie!
3. You know... as far as versatility goes, Martin Lawrence stinks. You put Eddie Murphy in a dress and he becomes a different person. You put Martin Lawrence in a dress, and he remains Martin Lawrence in a dress.
4. Is the FBI run by idiots? They send TWO people on a potentially dangerous and delicate undercover mission and never once do we see aid, backup, or even a call asking if they need help!
5. You mean to tell me that no one ever noticed Big Momma's square ass?
6. Ugh! Cheesy happy ending! Gonna puke! Loosing control of vomit!
7. Is this the copycat movie trend this year? First volcanoes, then computer animated bugs, then asteriods, now crossdressing fat people? What is this industry coming to?

Big Momma's House really isn't as bad as I thought it would be. It ain't great, but it'll tide you over until The Nutty Professor II arrives in theaters, but even then it'll be like eating Saltines before a T-Bone steak.

Big Daddy
Big Daddy(1999)
½

My 1999 Review of Big Daddy. Enjoy!

BIG DADDY

You know, a lot of critics for some reason or another hate Adam Sandler. I am not one of those critics. I loved Happy Gilmore... I thought The Waterboy was a little stupid... but for the most part, I think Sandler is one of those actors who just knows how to make the audience laugh... even though a lot of his jokes are juvenile gross-out potty jokes.
A couple of years ago, with some measure of success, Sandler changed that image (for about a week) with the romantic comedy The Wedding Singer... in which he played an almost normal person. Now, Sandler's doing it again... he's trying to reinvent his image with Big Daddy, a movie still brimming with toilet humor and typical Sandler temper tantrums, but also full of heart and cuteness.

The thing that makes this tale of a looser turning his life around after adopting a kid works on a lot of levels. Like I said, there's the typical puke and piss humor that will keep the loyal Sandler fans happy, but then there is also a soft side to this movie that will attract a whole new audience.

The kid in this movie is just adorable. Everytime he came on screen or said something, women in the audience would do that "Awwwwwww" thing that makes my stomach turn. I liked the kid too, but then again... I think it's hilarious when a kid says words like "crap", "ass", and "balls". (That's why I can't wait for the South Park movie!)

If only Big Daddy didn't fall on it's face in the lame humor and characters department (the horribly un-funny Rob Schnieder plays a lame Indian delivery guy and normally funny Steve Bushemi plays yet another dumb cameo) this could have been Sandler's best movie ever. There's also the oh-so-overused courtroom scene that just cries out laaaaaame! I don't even think a fantasy court like this one exists in even O.J. Simpson's wildest dreams.

I'm going to have to stick with Happy Gilmore as my favorite Adam Sandler flick, even though I was quietly surprised by how much Big Daddy faired.

Oh, go see it. The kid's cute! He reminds me of my nephew!

Bicentennial Man

Bicentennial Man follows an android's quest to become human over the course of 200 years. The android is played by Robin Williams, the story is sickeningly sweet, and every damn character talks as if their an expert on the subject of humanity no matter if they're nine-years-old or ninety-friggin-years-old.

But you know... despite the Nutrasweet plot and direction, Bicentennial Man won me over. I loved the idea of this movie even if the plot could give you cavities. Think about it, over 200 years an android slowly becomes human and addresses what it is to be human.

Questions about the human condition fascinate me. As a long time Star Trek fan, characters like Spock, Data, Odo, and Seven of Nine are my all time favorites because they raise those questions. The same is true of Bicentennial Man's robotic hero, Andrew. He's an outsider who wants in and you can't help but root for him. Bless his little recycled aluminum heart.

Bicentennial Man would be perfect if it wasn't for the signature Chris Columbus make-it-so-sweet-till-they-puke direction the film took. I mean, really... how many sad piano riffs and sweet little girl smiles can we take in the course of two hours? Can I please hear the phrase "I love you, sweetheart" one more time or see one more longful look cross Andrew's face as the camera slowly zooms in?

Still, despite the sweetie-sweet feel of the movie, Bicentennial Man has a lot of heart and soul and it eventually won me over even if the final quarter of the movie feels like it lasts 200 years. Bicentennial Man is either a romance movie, a drama, a science-fiction movie, or a comedy... hell, let's just call it a sci-fi chick-flick. Sweet to the point of nausea, but still moving and an enjoyable way to spend a couple of hours.

The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

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THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS

Texas has a whorehouse in it! Lord have mercy on our souls!
In perhaps the greatest musical about a brothel ever made (and that includes Moulin Rouge), Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds team up to fight the onset of forced moral values and witch hunts by the holier-than-thou holy rollers in the toe-tapping, pants-dropping comedy, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, based on the popular stage musical.

Perhaps one of the greatest tragedies of my life occurred in the Summer of 2000 when the director at a local theater called me up and asked me to cameo in their production of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas as one of the Aggie boys. It was a dream come true for me? a part in one of my favorite musicals (I was too young to audition for any of the major roles) and minimum rehearsals. Yeah, I would have to go on stage in the buff, but it?s not like I?ve never done that before (of course, that first time was an accident during Annie and a completely different story).

I had to decline, though, because I was scheduled for a hospital stay and operation during the exact time the play would have been performing. To this day I regret having to bow out of the production because it?s one of my favorites. One of my favorite movies as well.

So, imagine my delight when I found a copy of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas on DVD. I was elated and, as a matter of fact, it served as the Genesis of musical month on this website.

You wouldn?t expect it to be, but this movie is layered. Not only is it the naughty story of a Texas cathouse, but also a story of misguided moral crusades and changes to society.

Dolly Parton plays the madam of the whorehouse (called the Chicken Ranch. Why? Where else could you get better thighs, legs, or breasts?) and Burt Reynolds plays the town sheriff Ed Earl. You have to realize, though, that this was back when Burt Reynolds actually mattered. All kidding aside, both players were in their prime and perfect for the part.

Also perfect for his part is Dom DeLuise as the ?Watchdog? Melvin P. Thorpe? a cross between a televangelist and a bloodhound who tracks down scandals throughout the great state of Texas and shines a television spot-light on them until they have disappeared.

Of course, he sets his beady sights on The Chicken Ranch and soon, the fight is on and all hell is breaking loose.

This movie is a scream. It?s a little sweet and a little dirty at the same time. The songs are quick, snappy, and memorable and there are enough laughs to keep even the most prudish of viewers interested until the end. If that?s not enough, Jim Neighbors? That?s right folks, Gomer Pyle. Yep, he?s in it. And he cusses.

For those of you who think musicals are gay, this is about as non-gay as they get. Beautiful women, rampant sex, and some great performances from yesterday?s biggest stars, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas a great place to visit to get a thrill or two or three? but there?s nothin? dirty going on!

Below
Below(2002)

BELOW

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Let's say you sat through Ghost Ship last fall. First of all... I am sooooo sorry. Secondly, it might have turned you off to any kind of nautical ghost story for the rest of your days. Well, ironically, about the same time that Ghost Ship was haunting theaters, a movie about a haunted submarine was making its rounds. Of course with the dismal failure of K-19: The Widowmaker the studios, in their finite wisdom, chose to give Below a limited release... sinking it in a sea of obscurity.
At least, until now.

It's out on video and DVD for your enjoyment and, believe me, this is one enjoyable and creepy flick.

Below, a movie directed by the same guy who brought us Pitch Black and The Arrival, takes place during World War II. An American submarine takes on survivors from a torpedoed British medical ship. There are some complications and deceit that that I won't spoil for you here, but sufficed to say things don't go right and soon the crew is fighting for their lives... both from enemy depth charges and from a strange supernatural force on board the sub that seems to be out for vengeance.

This is a gritty, atmospheric movie which is a perfect springboard for any kind of supernatural thriller.

Twohy's direction is what really sells this movie... never do you see anything clearly or get to see a big stupid monster or anything that will cheapen the horror experience. Twohy has the reins of this movie well in hand and steers it in just the right direction.

The story flakes out near the end and collapses into predictability, but the overall ride is a fun, thrilling, and scary one. I wouldn't call this one of the scariest movies ever, but it sure delivers a few chills up the spine and, to me, that makes it well worth a look.

Behind Enemy Lines

My 2001 review of Behind Enemy Lines... enjoy!

BEHIND ENEMY LINES

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In the latest stinker from the Hollywood crap factory, Owen Wilson and his deformed shnoz fight evil to stay alive when they are both shot down (Bum-bum-bum!) Behind Enemy Lines! And thus, the Bosnian War is turned into a video game, all sense is thrown out the window, and I get a great big honking headache thanks to a director who thinks he's Michael freakin' Bay.
Guy, I know Michael Bay. I've seen Michael Bay's stuff and son, you are no Michael Bay. One of him is enough, thank you very much.

Good lord, folks, if you think that The Blair Witch Project was hard on you with it's vomit-cam and MTV Fear vision, you ain't seen nothing yet. Behind Enemy Lines will not only insult your intelligence, but it'll probably give you motion sickness as well with it's neverending rock video editing and camera shaking. Sure, for the first ten minutes I was thinking "Cool!", but after that I was sitting in my seat, rubbing my temples, and praying to God that the movie would end as soon as possible.

And you know, Behind Enemy Lines might have been a half-way decent movie too if it wasn't for the annoying hackneyed directing and pandering to the stupid (Yes, folks... that's what those quick flash backs were for... they were there so that stupid people could keep up!) It was good to see that Owen Wilson is trying to do something other than comedy, but someone should have really told him that Behind Enemy Lines wasn't a comedy beforehand.

I was not at all impressed by this movie, folks. It's a nice popcorn movie if you have some Dramimine on hand and a high tolerance for stupidity, but it's still insipid and a dumbed down action movie exploiting a real problem without saying a damn thing about it or suggesting a course of action. In fact, as far as Behind Enemy Lines is concerned, the Bosnian conflict is over by the time the end credits roll. Just a video game movie for attention deficit dofuses.

Bedazzled
Bedazzled(2000)

Brendan Fraiser is a big, hopeless, socially retarded, computer nerd who's deeply in love with a woman who doesn't even know he exists. So, enter Elizabeth Hurley as Satan, the princess of darkness who promises Brendan seven wishes in exchange for his soul. Of course, Brendan accepts and wishes for several different things all without knowing that he has to be really, really, really specific or Satan's going to muck everything up.

Hey, she's the devil. Whaddya expect?

For example - and I'm saying this only because it's given away in the trailer - Brendan wishes to be rich, powerful, and married to the girl of his dreams so, Satan turns him into a Colombian drug lord. Hardee har har har.

Bedazzled is a cute movie with some nice comedic twists and unbelievable makeup turning Fraiser into all sorts of people from the drug lord to a seven foot tall basketball player. Elizabeth Hurley is delicious as the devil... who cares if she's a scab and everyone in Hollywood hates her? If she's the devil, damn me to hell right now!

Unfortunately, when it comes to playing different characters in the same movie, Brendan Fraiser is no Eddie Murphy. In fact, Brendan Fraiser was all wrong for this movie. Don't get me wrong, I like Brenden just fine, but Bedazzled seemed to be screaming for a better comedic character actor like Dana Carvey or Mike Myers or someone. Face it, Dana needs the work anyway.

Despite the oversight in casting, Bedazzled works as a diverting comedy. Nothing too hilarious about it, but it's a nice way to spend an afternoon and seeing Elizabeth Hurly in dozens of skimpy skin-tight leather get-ups is more than worth the price of admission, but what happened to the red bikini and boa constrictor we saw in the previews? Dizzam, that was hot!

Battlefield Earth

This one was a doozy... presenting my 2000 review of BATTLEFIELD EARTH!!!

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It's the year 3000 and Earth has been invaded by militaristic materialistic aliens called Psychlos (think of what would happen if a Klingon mated with a Feringi). Humans are either under Psychlo captivity or hiding in the mountains were the aliens can't get them. One day, an adventurous little scamp named Johnny (played by Saving Private Ryan's Barry Pepper) leaves the safety of the mountains, gets captured, and soon he's the prized pet of Psychlo, Terl (John Travolta) who's up to no good.
Well, needless to say a lot of stuff happens. Johnny realizes that he has a duty to save humanity, Terl realizes that the humans are smarter than he thinks, and I realize I should have went and saw Screwed instead.

Usually when I see a bad movie - and make no mistake, Battlefield Earth is a bad movie - I just like to mercilessly tear into it pointing out the stupidity and lameness of the plot, actors, writers, directors, and so on. First though, I'd like to point out one thing I liked. John Travolta was an awesome villain. He's got a bit of charm about him and manages to be despicable and dangerous without making you totally hate him. Hell, I was actually rooting for Terl to win the war!

And now, to deal with the 99.99 percent of the move that is crap.

Battlefield Earth is one of those kind of movie, a lot like Waterworld that expect you to buy into a lot of fractured logic.

Here's just a sample of the stupidity of this movie:

- The Psychlos appear to be masters of all kind of technology except for the toothbrush.

- The Psychlos have been strip mining Earth of precious minerals for about a thousand years, yet all the gold in Fort Knox is left untouched.

- The said gold from Fort Knox is offered to Terl by Johnny claiming that he and several other humans mined it. "Why is it in bricks?" Terl asks. "We thought that common ore wasn't good enough for you," Johnny replies. And Terl buys it! What a retard!!!

- The Psychlos will teach slaves anything. Construction, interior design, how to mine, operate airships, and advanced alien weaponry. Idiots.

- Cavemen can be taught how to fly Harrier Jets in only seven days. Hey, I got a couple of free hours this weekend!

- Harrier Jets apparently have a lifespan of a thousand years. Yeah, right. The air force can barley keep a billion dollar stealth fighter in the air for one week and they expect us to believe that a thousand-year-old Harrier Jet is just going to fire up?

- Speaking of thousand-year-old technology, Johnny and a few of his caveman friends also manage to get a flight simulator working. Where's it getting power from? A pair of AA's? Is the thousand-year-old power plant still working? Was anyone putting any thought into that little conundrum?

- Okay... I can buy the thing about radiation causing the Psychlos' air to combust and how maybe one little nuclear bomb could do a little damage to their atmosphere, but one nuclear bomb blowing up the entire frickin' planet like it was the mother humping Death Star? Not bloody very damn well likely!

God, the stupidity of this movie is overwhelming and even more overwhelming than that is it's arrogance. Everything in this movie is presented as profound and as if it is the greatest thing to grace the theater. This pompous strutting attitude turned me off of the movie almost from the laughable opening credits which looked like they were done on a word processor.

The movie crawls at a snail's pace and just dives deeper and deeper into the Olympic-sized swimming pool of absurdity. Barry Pepper can't act and went through his scenes like he was imitating Kevin Costner from Waterworld and Mel Gibson from Braveheart. John Travolta and Forrest Whitaker are great, but the contraptions they wore to make them look like nine-foot-tall aliens made them look like stilt men when they were walking down the hall. I little money invested into some CGI would have helped make them look less stupid.

Well... I suppose it could have been worse. Battlefield Earth could have been a sermon on Scientology since L. Ron Hubbard, the writer of the Battlefield Earth novel founded the religion and it's been the gang of Scientologist's wet dream to make this into a movie. Hell, I was expecting something... anything about Scientology but the subject was never touched on. I suppose they might have resorted to subliminal messages, but that's just ridiculous.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a check to write to the church of Scientology and I'm not sure why.

Anyways, Battlefield Earth is just an exercise in bad moviemaking. The colors are drab, the characters are dirty, and the story... Jeez, don't even get me started. There are certain things I can suspend disbelief over... Cavemen with seven days of experience flying perfectly operating thousand-year-old Harrier Jets and successfully fighting off an advanced alien air force isn't one of them.

Batman - Mystery of the Batwoman

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The animated Batman? the only Batman that matters anymore? is back and Justice League free this time around for another direct-to-video movie, Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman.

Why is it that direct-to-video Batman and Superman movies are a thing to look for while direct-to-video Disney movies make one cringe?

But hey, that?s not the question we should be asking right now. The question is, who the hell is Batwoman?

That?s right, comic junkies? Batwoman, a new cowled player on the field who, unlike Batman, shows little regard for the safety of the thugs she brings down is casing Gotham City. This, of course, puts Batman and Robin on her tail as they try to uncover the mystery of who she is and why she wants to bring down gangster Rupert Thorne and The Penguin.

Meanwhile, there is a parade of obvious suspects? including a gangster?s daughter that Bruce Wayne get?s sweet on? there are roadblocks, like the arrival of one of Batman?s greatest adversaries, the vicious Bane, and there is action? lots of action.

Mystery of the Batwoman is probably the most lax and under whelming animated Batman movies ever. Not to say it?s a bad movie? but compared to the previous entries like Mask of the Phantasm, Subzero, and Return of the Joker, Mystery of the Batwoman is like a Batman story handled with kid gloves. There?s no deep drama, no breathtaking action animation, and no real surprises either. A leads to B leads to C and so on...

It is a nice adventure for Bats? but it seems like a lazy one as well.

Don?t expect the gritty darkness of the video predecessors either? this is a movie that doesn?t take itself too seriously or goes for a gripping dramatic story. In a lot of ways, I think that hurt the story, but on the whole? Mystery of the Batwoman is a treat for the bat-heads waiting in the wings.

Yeah, it?s a weak entry into the animated Batman movies, but hey? it kicks the crap out of Batman and Robin on every possible level? so it could have been worse. Still, at the most... this flick is forgettable.

50 First Dates

While I think that Adam Sandler is a funny man, his movies have been quite inconsistent. You?ve got the genius that was Happy Gilmore and Punch Drunk Love, and then you have the unadulterated crap that is Little Nicky, Mr. Deeds, and Eight Crazy Nights to stuff that is simply average like The Waterboy and Anger Management. It?s frustrating because, watching Sandler in Punch Drunk Love, you can tell that the greatness is there, but it never comes out or is realized to its full potential mainly because of some god-awful scripts.

That?s why I have a glimmer of hope for all of you who, like myself, enjoy Adam Sandler movies and aren?t afraid to admit it. His newest movie, 50 First Dates, is not only funny? but it?s actually a good movie in itself. While being funny, it?s also touching, engaging, and fun to watch all while throwing in the prerequisite potty humor you?ve come to expect and, even with all that? it has a pair of characters that make the whole thing a pleasant experience.

Sandler plays Henry Roth, a vet in Hawaii who enjoys the freedom of not being nailed down by a relationship, which is why he likes nailing the female tourists who visit the islands only to leave and never come back. Life is obviously good until Henry wanders into an out of the way diner, meets Lucy (Drew Barrymore), and falls head over heels in love with her. The trouble is, Lucy has brain damage and is unable to make new long-term memories, her short term memories getting wiped clean as she sleeps. Therefore, she looses her memories every night? forgetting Henry completely. So, how do you maintain a relationship with a woman who forgets who you are every night?

The situation sounds corny, but 50 First Dates handles it nicely making Lucy an object of sympathy instead of something to be made fun of. The greatest thing that 50 First Dates did for its characters is to humanize them and make them people we care about. No caricatures like Little Nicky, Longfellow Deeds, or Bobby Boucher... Lucy, and even Lucy?s family are people that we like? even if Lucy?s brother, played by a surprisingly buff Sean Astin (Samwise? What happened to you!?) is the only real caricature and, thus, the most annoying of the bunch.

Of course the humor is there? mostly its cheap potty humor, but that?s not what makes this movie enjoyable (yeah, okay? it does help but mostly because its kept in check). What does make 50 First Dates a nice 90 minutes is the unusual love story, the chemistry between Sandler and Barrymore, and the enjoyable characters.

50 First Dates doesn?t take the easy and expected route by making merciless fun of Lucy, rather makes her someone to pity? and yet not to pity. In many ways, as she rediscovers her life every day she wakes up, this movie almost makes you envy her wide-eyed discovery. There?s something of a magical element to this movie and yet, it?s a little heartbreaking at the same time.

And, of course? Adam Sandler is kept reigned in making his character less of a hothead and more of a nice guy.

A lot of people may dismiss this movie off hand simply because it?s an Adam Sandler vehicle, but I found it to be his best movie since Happy Gilmore and his most quietly touching since Punch Drunk Love. This isn?t a great movie, but it borders on greatness. Sandler should make more movies with Drew Barrymore. She appears to be a good luck charm for him.

Dawn of the Dead
½

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When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the Earth.

Never before and never since has there been a cooler tagline for a movie than 1978's Dawn of the Dead, George A. Romero's follow-up to the classic Night of the Living Dead. Well, Night of the Living Dead got a modern-day update - a rather questionable one by a lot of standards - and now it's Dawn of the Dead's turn. What's the verdict?
We'll get to that in a minute.

The story, in case you are completely unaware, is that life is good and peaceful, but all of the sudden, zombies are everywhere... overrunning cities all over the world. Soon, surviving humans find themselves scurrying for cover away from the undead hordes that prowl the city. One particular group finds themselves hiding out in a barricaded mall, but as the days pass and more and more zombies line up outside trying to get in, how long will they be able to hold out?

If you're asking me to compare this movie to the original, I'm afraid it's been far too many years since I saw the original to make a fair comparison. I remember that I liked it very much, but to tell you the truth... I can hardly remember jack from it.

I will say, though, that I also enjoyed this movie very much and, since it is obviously fresher in my mind, let's just talk about that.

This is one intense horror movie. It's claustrophobic, unsettling, and tense as you get to identify with the characters struggling to survive in the middle of a sea of zombies. Granted, the ones who don't get proper characterization are the ones who inevitably end up the snack of the undead, but they aren't the important ones.

The ones who are important are Ana, an overworked nurse who narrowly survives getting attacked by a little girl zombie and then by her own boyfriend. There's Kenneth the police officer played by the always entertaining Ving Rahmes. Michael is the smooth talking and very likeable voice of reason, and Andre and his very pregnant wife being a whole new level of terror into the mix. Even this poor guy on a rooftop a couple of blocks away gets some characterization. Heck, I actually felt the sorriest for him!

Simply put - aside from a few minor missteps - this is a great horror movie. It's action packed, tense, and scary. This is a remake that stands on its own legs! Well shot, well scripted, well acted, cliché breaking... this is probably one of the best looking zombie movies of all time.

There's lots of clever moments in this movie like a lounge version of "The Sickness" and several witty mall musak moments that accompany some scenes. There's also a few not-so-clever moments as well that make you route for certain stupid young girls to get eaten very painfully.

Still, this is a great movie and a worthy companion to the original. As far as comparing the two, like I said... I just can't fairly do that right now because it's been well over a decade since I last saw it. But 2004's Dawn of the Dead is fresh in my head and, yes children, this movie is a scream! Don't get up when the credits roll after an apparently disappointing ending, because there is a lot more story to go with a very satisfying ending!

By the way, before the movie started there were no less than ten kids in the audience under the age of 12. Parents, what the hell is wrong with you people!?

Bats
Bats(1999)

Ever since the rather perplexing success of Anaconda, a slew of man-eating tongue-in-cheek monster movies have come out all with the hopes of being the Anaconda of that year. It was the goal of Lake Placid and it's the goal of Bats... Now, Anaconda might have been bad.... Lake Placid may have been bad... but you ain't seen bad until you've seen Bats.

The sleepy little town of Gallop, Texas wakes up a little when people and livestock start getting eaten alive by killer bats... yes, you heard me... killer bats. Enter the brainy little lady scientist to fix it all... things go south and hijinks, hilarity, and a half-assed movie follows.

This movie has it all... stereotypical dumbass Texans, the comic relief token black guy, the blonde scientist who is an expert despite the fact that she's dumb as a brick, a boneheaded military that won't listen to anyone... especially not the experts they called in the first place, the soft spoken yet quietly evil old scientist, and the well-known, yet not quite famous leading man.

Think Anaconda meets Gremlins meets The Birds meets Frankenstein meets La Bamba.

Bats is a movie that is just plain stupid. I mean it... movie's don't get no dumber than this! Picture the following dialogue that actually took place in the movie:

"You mutated bats into carnivores? Why?"

"I'm a scientist. That's what we do."

I'm not kidding folks, this is the hokiest damn movie I've ever seen! The dialogue is horrible! It's atrocious! This movie is so bad that it is beneath Mystery Science Theater 3000! Forget all the talk you've heard about this movie being "so bad it's good"... this movie is so bad it's pathetic! I hated this movie! I hated it! I hated it! I hated it! This is a paint-by-numbers movie! This is a movie made on a low budget to solely attract the people curious enough to see a movie about man-eating bats!

I would rather get eaten by bats than watch this stupid movie again!

...there's always going to be man-eating monster movies trying to become the Anaconda of 1999..., 2000..., 2001..., 2002, ect... But answer me this... Do we really need another Anaconda? Lordy, Lordy, no!

BASEketball
BASEketball(1998)

From the director of The Naked Gun and starring the creators of South Park it's a movie about a sport that didn't exist until people saw it in this movie and started imitating it (like those morons who went out and got ran over imitating that scene from The Program). So, is it a funny movie? Does this pairing of two of the most brilliant comedic minds of the twentieth century work? You bet your kester it does!

BASEketball is a lot like There's Something About Mary in that it didn't shy away from poking fun at anything and does things that will send the pro-political correctness people into an uproar and give them all heart attacks (I hope!).

Trey Parker and Matt Stone prove that they can do more than act stupidly and scream obscenities by acting stupid and screaming obscenities... only now, they're doing it and not Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny.

If you're a sensitive little prick who gets offended at every little thing that you think doesn't measure up to your own personal level of morality, number one: I don't like you very much, and number two: BASEketball will offend you so much that you will spend the rest of you life boycotting Universal and annoying everyone else.

For us normal people who have a life and like to laugh at cheap and raunchy jokes, BASEketball hits a home run. GOAL!!! Go see it dammit!

Barbershop
Barbershop(2002)

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I just saw a great movie with Ice Cube as the main character.
There, I just wrote down a sequence of letters that formed a string of words that became a sentence I never thought I would ever write down in my entire life, but there it is... Barbershop is a great movie. Sure, it's a little clumsy in delivery, but on the whole, I would say that it's probably one of the best comedies of the year.

The plot basically revolves around a long day in an urban barbershop. Ice Cube plays a character named Calvin who, low on cash and high on bills, sells the shop that's been in his family for three generations to a lone shark played by the eternally cool Keith David. After rethinking his decision, he returns to the lone shark to buy his shop back... only to discover that the price has doubled and that his shop is going to be turned into a gentlemen's club.

Meanwhile, two crooks stage a remarkably inept robbery of an ATM machine and spend all day trying to break it open. The audience, of course, learns that there is really no money in it and the duo's stupidity keeps making the situation worse and worse.

Personally, I could have gone without those two plots because the real meat and potatoes of Barbershop is in its namesake... the place where people go to shoot the breeze, talk about issues, and piss everyone off.

Manning the chairs of the barbershop is a pretty ordinary compliment of folks. There's the old blowhard, the annoying educated college kid who belches out pompous nuggets of wisdom whether people want them or not, the outspoken angry lady in a bad relationship, the reformed con who is teetering on the edge of strike three, a foreigner from Nigeria, and the white guy who acts black.

All pretty unspectacular representatives of characters you'd find in hundreds of other movies, but in Barbershop, they all seem new. They are given motivations, third dimensions, and reasons why they act the way they act.

The conversations they have are topical, honest, and about things that other movies won't touch. I'm pretty sure you've heard about the fuss over the line about Rosa Parks, OJ Simpson, and Rodney King... but they also talk about slavery reparations, black responsibility, and of course... booty.

What makes Barbershop such a great movie is that it's made for a large audience. Yeah, when going to movies that are made for a predominantly black crowd, I am the scared little white guy sitting in the corner hoping no one will notice my cracker ass... but with Barbershop, there's something for everyone. The humor is broad, the characters are identifiable, and all of it just brings the house down.

Cedric the Entertainer steals the show. I know the Oscars are a meaningless conservative sham that never takes chances on anything, but man... Cedric should get one.

It's poignant, it's honest, and best of all... it's funny. So much to the point that I will even forgive its awkward attempt at a plot and give it some well deserved kudos for the barbershop scenes alone.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

I was excited to see this movie until in a chat with Jesse Glaspey, he informed me that the wordy, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever was actually based on a video game.

Well, immediately, bells and whistles went off in my brain and red flags began to go up. Another video game movie in the tradition of Tomb Raider, Resident Evil, Super Mario Brothers, and Street Fighter? Haven't we suffered enough? Hasn't Hollywood learned its lesson yet that a video game does nto a good movie make?

I guess the more important question is... haven't I learned my lesson yet? I went to Tomb Raider expecting an exciting action adventure and all I got was insulting garbage. I went to Resident Evil expecting a slick zombie flick and all I got was unscary undead excrement. With that in mind, why the hell should I waste two hours and seven bucks on a genre that is currently batting zero?

Well, the simple truth is... I shouldn't. But, I did. Oh God, did I ever.

Damn me and my crush on Lucy Lui.

The merriment begins when Agent Sever (Lucy Lui) kidnaps some little brat and Agent Ecks (Antonio Bandaras) is sent in to stop her. (You see, Sever's kid was killed or something... I don't know) Well, needless to say, lots and lots of stuff blows up. Train cars explode like defective propane canisters... cars fly through the air like you're watching The Fifth Element or Back to the Future Part II, and lots of people get shot.

Annnnnnnnnd... allllll... of... thisssss... haaaaaaaappenssssssss... innnnnnnnnn... slooooooooooooooooooooow... moooooooooootionnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

And, get this... Agent Ecks thinks that his wife was killed in a car bomb but, in reality, she was kidnapped by the bad guy in this movie and married him.

Yep.

Uh-huh.

Oh yeah.

Good God All Mighty, folks... This has got to be the most vacant movie I've seen all year. Not surprisingly, the end titles said, "Directed by Kaos". Hell, I'm beginning to wonder if they meant an actual person or just the force of nature.

The acting in this movie... Oh, man. Don't even get me started in on it. Even my beloved Lucy seemed to switch from one blank stare to another blank stare maybe twice in the movie.

And the end of this movie? Tuh! Sever has killed a hundred or so police officers and Ecks lets her go "...because she's a mother!"

That's all fine and dandy. I wonder how many cops she murdered were mommies or daddies?

Throw logic and intelligence out the window, kids! This is an incomprehensible mess of a movie. If you were a kitten-murdering terrorist pedophile, this would be the kind of movie that they would make you watch in Hell.

I saw this movie had a 0% on the Rotten Tomatoes' tomatometer and I still went. Dammit, when will I frickin' learn?

Bad Company
Bad Company(2002)

BAD COMPANY

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Remember that old wife's tale about company and fish where they both go bad after three days? Well, Bad Company goes bad long before that. Try ten minutes and this cinematic turd will be stinking up your cineplex too with the putrid smell of Joel Schumacher and Jerry Bruckheimer both bungling this movie making it so familiar and formulaic that you can tell what's coming next around every predictable corner.
The story is this: Chris Rock plays twin brothers. One is a street bum ticket scalper and hustler while the other is an undercover CIA agent in Prague. I'll leave you to wonder why a black guy is going undercover in Prague because it sure as hell didn't make any sense to me.

Anyway, the agent brother is killed in the middle of trying to buy a nuclear bomb off the market and so, it falls on the CIA and Anthony Hopkins to civilize the bum brother to take his twin's place. Enter the uptight white guy trying to school a street smart black guy story, hold the excitement, with extra cheese.

How can a movie about a nuclear bomb in a suitcase being toted around New York City be made so mind-numbingly boring!? Bad Company has no suspense, zero ambition, little originality. That and its two stars, Anthony Hopkins and Chris Rock phone in the worst performances of their careers.

There is a little bit of comedy in this movie sprinkled around and suspiciously looking like they were lifted out of one of Rock's own routines, but this attempt to copy the steam left over from the Rush Hour movies is near complete and total waste of time. Everything is pedestrian, recycled, redundant, and the whole movie just screams out a whole lot of stupid. The action sequences are wholly forgettable thanks to lazy and confusing direction by Schumacher who still must think he's the best thing since sliced bread.

Well, here's a clue for you Joel... You're every bit as stale as this movie.

For goodness sake, people, stay away and save yourself the boredom!

Babe: Pig in the City

Now starting with the "B" section of my website, here's my review of BABE: PIG IN THE CITY.

Babe's one busy hunk of ham these days. No sooner does he win that sheep herding thing then he has to go off to the big city and save Hoggit Farm. Fortunately, all is not lost for when our favorite piece of sausage is left to fend for himself, he saves the life of the Godfather's dog and becomes a mob boss... Don Babe!

I have a feeling the guy who owns Pepperidge Farms is gonna be sleeping with the fishes tonight!

First off, let me get this out of the way. Yes, I loved the first Babe movie. It was cute, imaginative, funny, and even though it was basically a kids movie, it had a deep-seeded message that all ages could appreciate and understand.

So now you know where I stand with Babe, the most adorable slab of bacon on the planet, what about the sequel Babe: Pig in the City? Well, let's just say that if Babe was a earthquake, Babe 2 would be a barely noticeable aftershock.

Don't get me wrong, I liked Babe 2, but it just seems so dull and melancholy than the first one and never seems to recapture the vibrant magic that made Babe so enjoyable.

It takes place in a strange imaginative city that is both everywhere and nowhere... That has the Hollywood sign, the Statue of Liberty, and the Eiffel Tower in the same skyline. This is the world seen through the eyes of a child. But the overall theme to the movie is so dark! There's one sequence where animal control raids a house full of animals that just goes on for too long and will give children nightmares (the damned thing almost gave me nightmares!). I'm not sure how kids will react to this movie where the recurring theme is "it's a dog eat dog world so be sure not to wear milkbone boxers", but I don't think it's going to be pretty.

To me, this latest - and probably last considering how bad it flopped - Babe movie is geared to the twelve and up crowd, but isn't that too old to enjoy a movie about a talking pig?

Nope.

The Avengers
The Avengers(1998)

Here's my 1998 review of The Avengers which I later deemed the worst movie of the year. It also rounds out the "A" section of my website.

THE AVENGERS

Man, what the hell is Uma Thurman's problem?

First, she makes Pulp Fiction - good movie -, then she makes Batman and Robin - a horrible joke of a movie. She almost redeems herself with Gattaca, then she goes and makes a so-called excuse for a piece of crap movie like the one I wasted four dollars and two hours of my life on... namely, The Avengers.

Even more inexcusable than Uma Thurman being in this movie... Sean Connery is in it!!! Jeez Louise, what sort of blackmail did the makers of this movie have on him to get him to appear in this horrible waste of celluloid? And Ralph "Hey, I Was the English Patient" Fines must have done something terrible in a former life to have been saddled with this monster.

The Avengers looks great... but that's about all it has going for it is looks. The story is contrived and predictable and there are so many plot elements that can only be described as sheer stupidity. (Sean Connery in a teddy bear costume, A clone of Mrs. Peel, an invisible man in the records room, and a man named Mother and a woman named Father just to name a few.)

What's worse it that I went into this movie actually thinking I was going to have a good time watching it... instead, I left the theater feeling ill and contemplating more productive ways I could have spent the last two hours (giving my hamster a bath, dusting cobwebs off of my ceiling, staring at the sun with no eye protection).

To make a long review short, Uma Thurman's back on my list of Donner's Mortal Enemies along with new additions Sean Connery and Ralph Fines and whoever wrote and directed this thing. Pass up this stinker... I wouldn't even tell you to wait for video. Wait 'till it gets on network TV (FOX)... at least then you can change the channel and see what else is on.

Tea?

What am I saying? TEA SUCKS AND SO DO THE AVENGERS!!!

Austin Powers in Goldmember
½

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Back for a third time around, Austin Powers is ready to mix it up again with his arch nemesis, Doctor Evil and his band of no-goodnicks in Austin Powers in Goldmember. Yeah, the laughs are there but the shtick has gotten a bit stale and the ending... eugh, horrendous! Still, Mike Meyers saves most of the movie from an otherwise schizophrenic screenplay with his wild band of outrageous characters.

The story is simple and, in some cases, non-existent. Basically, Doctor Evil and his new henchmen, Goldmember, kidnap Austin Power's father, Nigel Powers, in an attempt to bring down an asteroid with a tractor beam to melt the global icecaps. To save his dad, Austin goes back to 1975 and brings back Foxy Cleopatra to help him.

There's tons of funny stuff in this movie and most of the mythology is turned on its ear which in some cases is a good thing, but in some cases, a very bad thing. The old favorites are back, Scott Evil, Fat Bastard, Mini Me, Basil Exposition, Frau Farbissina, and Number Two. The new additions are a mixed bag, though. First, we have the title character, Goldmember. Most of the time, this guy is just bizarre and not funny but the other new addition, Number Three (played by Fred Savage) is a hoot. He's funny and he doesn't even have to try!

The biggest problem with this movie is just all the unnecessary special moments between Austin and his dad. I mean, come on... this is a balls to the wall comedy and not a John Hughes emotional crap fest!

Also, the ending of the movie is horrible. I mean it, folks, it stinks. I'm not going to give it away since I know it's supposed to be the "big secret" of the movie, but it's a mess.

In the plus column, though, this movie has a hell of an opening sequence. In fact, the opening of this movie alone is worth the price of admission. Star cameos, chic in-jokes, and even a possible nod and wink to the Legion of Lame Asses stories are included in the movie and are well enough to keep Austin fans entertained and rolling.

Compared to the other movies, this one is a little lukewarm but its a still a winner. I just hope that when and if Austin Powers IV comes out, Mike Myers will have the good sense to fix what the ending of Goldmember screwed up.

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

By the time this review came around, I was employed as a critic and finally taking my writing seriously. This time around, it really shows!

AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME

I've got to admit it. When I was first introduced to Austin Powers three years ago, I wasn't exactly crazy about the guy. To me, the movie was a one-joke flick that drove it's one joke into the ground. It was just a fish out of water movie that I didn't enjoy very much.

On the other hand, I found Austin's nemesis, Doctor Evil, to be a lot more entertaining than Austin Powers ever had a chance to be and, in the three years I first saw Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, it's become the highlight of my DVD collection thanks to the evil crome dome with a pinkie fetish.

I liked Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. This movie makes up for the last one in the most important and crucial element.... more Doctor Evil! Austin's still the same old boring sod of a guy running around making the movie slow down every time he shows his mug on the screen, but the Doctor Evil scenes are all hilarious and keep the movie interesting.

It goes like this: Doctor Evil has invented a time machine and travels back to the sixties to steal Austin's mojo while he's frozen. The now mojo-less Powers has to stop him from blowing up Washington DC with a (makes quotation marks with fingers) laser on the moon.

A new player in the Austin Powers cast is a clone of Dr. Evil named, "Mini Me". As Scott Evil says, he's a vicious Chihuahua who Dr. Evil treats like a spoiled pet. He's mean, he's nasty, and he can fit into most overhead compartments. The guy is hilarious! In these politically correct days, we can't make fun of fat people or midgets because if we did, the sky would fall and the stock market would crash. Thankfully, Hollywood's bucking this trend and we're all cleared to laugh at other's misfortunes once more.

Another new character is the vile "Fat Bastard" played by Mike Myers who also plays Austin (snore) and Dr. Evil. This guy's gross but funny, though I could have really gone without his quasi-nude scene with Heather Gramm.
That's right, Heather Gramm's in this movie too playing a grown-up version of Boogie Night's Roller Girl. She's hot, she's horny.... she's useless!!! I mean, other than being the love interest, she serves no purpose whatsoever besides being nap-inducing Austin Power's shageriffic sweetie.

Pushed to the side is one of my favs from the first movie, Scott Evil. I liked the idea of Dr. Evil having an angst ridden slacker son and Seth Green was perfect for the role. In the sequel, he plays a mostly second fiPle role to Mini Me though he does appear in a hilarious bit involving the Jerry Springer Show.
Frau Farbissina is back as well and she's funnier than ever even though her character is really nothing more than a copy of Frau Blücher from Young Frankinstien.

Most of the jokes in Austin Powers 2 are retreads of the jokes in the first movie and a lot of them are pretty weak. Ivana Humpalot and Robin Swallows are cute, but they just don't have the sting as Alotta Fagina. Still, there is a laugh-till-you-cry moment with a montage of scenes involving what Dr. Evil's rocket looks like that has to be seen to be believed!

Bottom line, as I said, the movie succeeds because it devotes less time to the one-joke-wonder, Austin Powers, and more to the comedic powerhouse of Dr. Evil, Mini Me, Fat Bastard, and Scott Evil. Mike, if you're out there reading this (and I know you're a devotee to this page), please, please, please... just kill Austin Powers and give Dr. Evil his own movies or at least a bigger part! I mean, come on! Austin's been a lame dog since day one... Dr. Evil's funny without even trying hard!

Oh, and the hidden nudity scenes? We only got one in this movie and it was lame!!! Austin Powers walking around naked for no reason? Give us a break! Mike, work on it for next time!

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
½

Back when I first started writing reviews in 1996-ish, I didn't take them very seriously. It was only after I actually got a job as a reviewer that I started writing some halfway sounding professional ones.

So, this being one of my first reviews, it's short and it's bad. Amazingly, it's a negative review for a movie I like now. Go figure.

[center]AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY[/center]


Austin Powers is the kind of movie that takes a joke and rams it down your throat for two hours. I swear, if I hear Mike Myers yell, "Yeah, baby!" one more time, I think I'm going to go on a four block killing spree.
Austin Powers is a funny movie sometimes... mind you, I said sometimes. Myers plays a British secret agent who's been frozen for thirty years so he can ultimately defeat "Dr. Evil" who has also frozen himself.

The biggest problem I had with this movie is that it threw a few jokes at you every few minutes and about half of them bombed. The strength of this movie in in Dr. Evil and not Austin Powers. If only the movie would have been more about him, THEN it would have been REALLY funny.

Atlantis - The Lost Empire

The movie, Atlantis: The Lost Empire - formerly just called Atlantis until Disney figured that people were too stupid to know what Atlantis is - is the movie I've been waiting years for. I thought I was going to see it with Titan A.E., but I didn't. I thought I was going to get it with Heavy Metal 2000, and I was sorely disappointed. In fact, I've been waiting for a movie like this since I first saw the heavily edited version of the original Heavy Metal on TBS many many years back.

Does that mean that Atlantis is a movie with violence and gore and cartoon boobies? No... I mean, this IS Disney we're talking about. What I mean is, a classy animated science fiction epic and, boy, does Atlantis: The (doy!) Lost Empire deliver!

Taking place in 1914, Atlantis is a heavy sci-fi spectacle heavily influenced by Jules Verne and all of the old school science fiction movies. In it, Milo Thatch (Michael J. Fox) leads a team to find the lost continent of Iceland... er, I mean Atlantis and end up having to save the whole place from destruction and lava and all sorts of stuff. Needless to say, Disney's made up for last year's exercise in lamity... you know the movie I'm talking about... the one with the dinosaurs that had the dinosaurs that talked and it was about dinosaurs. Can't remember the name of it.

Anyway, Atlantis is very classy... mature enough to earn a PG rating, but not too violent to affect the fragile little minds of those aged 1-14... that's what MY website is for. There's lots of animated death, sexual innuendo, hot cartoon babes, and some pretty clever plot turns that HAVEN'T been ruined by the commercials yet, so dammit... if you haven't seen this movie yet, go NOW before the advertising baboons give away EVERYTHING!

I loved this movie, folks, and be assured we haven't heard the last from the Atlantis crew. Stay tuned for the Saturday morning TV show, the happy meal, the clothing line, the multi-vitamins, the action figures, the scented candles, the custom SUV, the cereal, the home enema kit, the collectible plates, the novelty condoms, the...

Armageddon
Armageddon(1998)
½

Here's my 1998 review of Armageddon. I know it's not that great, but this is one of my older reviews I stand firmly behind. I still love this movie!

[center]ARMAGEDDON[/center]

This movie makes Deep Impact look like a mild hailstorm. In other words, this is the big-rock-falling-out-of-the- sky-that's-going-to-kill-everyone-on-earth movie of the year.
There's a rock the size of Texas heading towards earth and only Bruce Willis and his team of ecosystem-destroying oil drillers can stop it by going up in super-duper top secret shuttles and planting a nuclear warhead under the surface. Good plan? Nothing can go wrong? Right? What...? Are you stupid?

From beginning to end, Armageddon assaults your senses with great action and special effects. Unlike Deep Impact, Armageddon doesn't give a rat's ass about Tea Leoni's or Elijah Wood's feeling about the end of the world. It isn't scattered with twenty million people worrying about making peace with their daddies or wanting to marry their thirteen-year-old sweethearts. Rather, Armageddon is about the mission to stop the rock and the characters are thirty times more interesting than the guys in that other movie. Steve Bushemi is hilarious and Lev Tyler's a babe even if she is there for set dressing.

That's not to say that Armageddon is the perfect movie. It does drag down and become really predictable. Still, if you want to see New York, Paris, and Shanghi get the all-mighty crap beat out of them without seeing a piece of crap like Godzillia, see this flick!!!

Speaking of cinematic manure, I'm almost inclined to feel sorry for Roland and Emmerich. So far, I've seen two films, this one and The X Files in which another filmmakers taken a cheap (but justified) pot-shot at their movies. In The X Files, Mulder took a waz on an Independence Day poster and in Armageddon, a little bulldog attacks a stand full of Godzilla merchandise. Why do I have the feeling that NASA and FBI Headquarters are going to be stepped on in the inevitable and dreaded sequel to Godzilla?

An American Werewolf in London

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Plagued by nightmares and recovering from the animal attack that injured him and killed his best friend, David Kessler awakens in his hospital room just as the orderly from India enters his room to serve him breakfast.
It's been three long weeks... his best friend was torn to pieces in front of him by some large beast, the nightmares are getting worse and worse, and the police don't believe his story about the creature, instead going with the fabricated account that he and his friend were attacked by a mad man.

"Ah, you are up. Good morning and good day to you!" the order says more cheerily than he should be allowed to as he opens the window allowing the daylight to infiltrate the room. The orderly takes the food tray and places it in front of David. "We have quite a meal for you. Bacon and eggs, porridge, orange juice, and toast with jam," he says pointing out each one on the plate. "Good stuff there. Now you eat it up and I'll be back for the dishes when you are finished!"

And then, just as abruptly as he invaded the room, the orderly leaves.

David groggily rises out of the bed. "Good morning," he says to the empty room.

He shakes it off and tries to start the day with a good breakfast, but the breakfast looks anything but good... a fact only confirmed when David sticks his spoon into the porridge to find it has the consistency of wet cement.

He cautiously looks through the rest of the hospital breakfast hoping to find something worth eating when he happens to look up.

There, standing on the other side of the room is his friend, Jack... killed weeks ago by the creature on the moors. His body covered in the gaping wounds the creature inflicted on him. Large chunks of his skin are torn open and blood oozes from the scratches running up and down his face. David's friend is back from the grave! What could he want?

"Can I have a piece of toast?" Jack asks.

[center][font=Arial Black][size=5]An American Werewolf in London[/size][/font][color=#ffffff]
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While it may lack in style and atmosphere, An American Werewolf in London single-handedly reinvented the werewolf movie and horror movie for generations by blending amazing transformation effects and a script that walked the thin line between comedy and horror.

In case you aren't familiar with the plot, here it is! David and Jack are best friends from America touring Europe. While in North England, the two of them are attacked by a creature. Jack is killed and David is taken to a hospital where he learns from his now undead friend that he has been bitten by a werewolf and will turn into one by the next full moon.

David's only escape appears to be death, but how could you kill yourself when you're getting hot and heavy with a beautiful British nurse?

Obviously, David has his doubts, but they all wash away when the moon rises and he begins to change.

Many argue the 1981 werewolf trio, Wolfen, The Howling, and An American Werewolf in London are the last great werewolf movies. Admittedly, I have to somewhat agree even though I have enjoyed a couple of the modern offerings. Simply put, the holy hairy trinity hasn't been matched in almost 25 years by anything that Hollywood has put out. Not Ginger Snaps, not Bad Moon, not Underworld, and not American Werewolf's own sequel, An American Werewolf in Paris.

It's odd when you look at the movie because, plot-wise, there is really nothing that makes it special or unusual. Granted, it's a good plot... full of suspense and tragedy, but that doesn't really make it unique from the other werewolf flicks.

What does set An American Werewolf in London apart from the others is its near-perfect blend of horror and comedy. It's a thin line... a line that kills many horror movies today. But American Werewolf walks it skillfully thanks to a witty script, some oddball moments, and some great actors... all mixed in with the gore, blood, jumps, and scariness that makes a good horror movie horrific.

First the horror... I know a lot of people do not find this movie frightening or scary. Well, to be honest... it's not scary or frightening in the way you may think it is. The genius of American Werewolf is that it spends a good ten minutes of the beginning of the film giving the audience a crash course into Jack and David's personality. John Landis lets us really get to know and really get to like the two main characters. We care about what happens to this goofy duo from the very beginning and, when things go from bad to worse and finally straight to hell, you want them to make it through unscathed and, when they don't... it hurts a little. When they are hurt, it affects you personally and, after all... there's nothing worse than watching someone you care about get hurt while there's nothing you can do about it.
While a lot of scary movies usually populate their casts with easy characters... vampant, shallow caricatures you couldn't care less about who are really only there to serve as machete fodder, American Werewolf and the few great films like it devote more time into characterization because, let's face it... the more you like someone, the more gruesome it is to watch them splatter.

When the attack comes, it's swift, merciless, and bloody and it really hits you in the gut since you've already identified with both of these kids.

More horror in this movie comes from David's dreams... several strange and disturbing sequences in the movie that accompany the unknowing David as he begins his slow transformation. They are horrific and hard to watch... especially when grotesque stormtrooper Nazis raid David's home and slaughter his entire family... including a couple of cute little kids.

Of course, one of the quintessential elements for a good horror movie is gore and lots of it and that is one department that An American Werewolf in London does not disappoint in. Flesh is ripped up, blood is slung everywhere, and thanks to some still-impressive make-up effects by Rock Baker, American Werewolf has some of the best zombies of all time.

Of course, you cannot discuss this film without mentioning the amazing transformation scene when David becomes the werewolf for the first time. In an age without CGI or digital manipulation, the transformation scene still holds its own when compared to today's movies. In fact, in many cases... the transformation scene looks better than most modern day special effects.
While an amazing scene, it's very raw and almost hard to watch because of the flesh-stretching and bone popping that goes on in it. Still, it's hard to look away at the impressive display.

The transformation scene also introduces a different kind of werewolf all together. Instead of the two-legged creature that had been seen on screen since the days of Lon Chaney's The Wolf-Man, Landis decided on an sophisticated combination of different kinds of puppetry to create a whole new kind of animal - pun intended. A four legged creature that was more wolf than man. It's just another special touch that made this movie unique and unforgettable.

As I stated earlier, another element that gives this movie another huge boost is the addition of humor. While this kills a lot of horror movies, An American Werewolf in London has just the right amount to make you laugh when you're supposed to laugh while still scaring you when you're supposed to be scared.
The dialogue is witty, memorable, and quotable and even the odd situations... like an undead friend periodically paying visits all while he's in a progressive state of decay or waking up naked in a zoo after a long night of killing and eating people or a conversation with zombies in a porno theater... are disturbing and yet humorous at the same time.

You can't think of the werewolf movie without thinking of three movies... The Wolf-man, The Howling, and An American Werewolf in London. This is an important movie with poignancy, tragedy, humor, and horror that single-handedly re-invented a movie monster has has never ever been topped.
It's sick, gruesome, and definitely not for the easily squeamish. It's definitely shocking for first-time viewers as well.

At the same time, it's funny, it's touching, and boasts some incredible on-screen effects that are still cutting edge almost 25 years later.
This movie is a landmark. That much is certain. It's one of the most prominent and celebrated horror movies of the ladder half of the 20th century. It'll make you giggle and then make you jump in fright while it actually contains a story that will keep you interested and, in some ways, break your heart.

This is just a great movie that only seems to get better every time I watch it

House of the Dead

I've been struck speechless, folks. I was told that this was a bad movie, but nothing in the world could have prepared me for the waves of badness that emanated from my DVD player while I was watching this movie.

There were so many things that were bad... so many things that were wrong with this movie that I eventually got out a piece of paper and started taking notes just so I could keep up with them. So, instead of a regular review... here's the 30 things I wrote down.

1. The introduction of this movie shows us a bunch of vacant self-centered people and then explains that they all die before the movie is over. Normally, that would kill any suspense, but after seeing these characters for five minutes, it gives me something to look foreword to.

2. Clint Howard! You know you're movie is horrible if Clint Howard looks embarrassed to be in it.

3. Those have to be the worst Marine Police in the entire world.

4. Senseless booby shot and Sega product placement!

5. Another senseless booby shot! Also, I don't care how cold the water is... no man wouldn't go swimming with a hot topless chick.

6. Hey, the topless chick almost got attacked by fart bubbles!

7. At this point, I just have to point out just how bad the actors are in this movie. If you cloned Kari Wuhrer ten times and cast her in every role, it would be better for it. These people sound like they were collected off a modeling show runway five minutes before cameras started rolling.

8. Another senseless booby shot! I guess this gives us some idea of who this movie's target audience is!

9. What the...? Was that a shot from the video game? Nah, it couldn't have been.

10. Okay, here's an insight to the stupidity of the characters in this movie and the hack who wrote them. These vacant little dumbasses get to this island where there is supposed to be a huge rave going on but instead they find the party sight trashed, all the party goers missing, and shreds of clothing stained with blood. The first thing they do? Start partying! Jesus!

11. Just when I think that the dialogue can't get any worse... it does.

12. I think I just saw another shot of the video game! Surely not... no one would be that dumb to put video game footage in a live action movie.

13. Three people have died and all of them have been off screen. If there is no graphic death in this movie, I am marching back to Hastings and demanding a refund!

14. Another senseless booby shot!

15. Holy crap on a stick, that WAS a shot from the video game. They're actually putting shots from the video game in the movie!

16. It's nice to know that in the middle of a supposed horror movie, there's always room for the characters to laugh at a poop joke.

17. These people are going to die because none of them listen to people who know better.

18. Okay, so now everyone in this movie has a black belt?

19. What is this? A movie or a music video?

20. More deaths... still no gore.

21. Now the characters are in this huge gun battle with zombies. This movie is like going over to a friend's house and watching him play a video game he won't share with the cheat codes on so he can't die.

22. I know that the Matrix effects look cool, but honestly... they don't work in this movie. They hardly work in any other movie other than the Matrix!

23. Okay... this guy's girlfriend was just killed by zombies. He doesn't help, he just watches it happen... and then has an epileptic flashback that lasts an agonizing 45 seconds.

24. In typical shallow Hollywood fashion, after the big zombie battle, one good-looking guy laments about a burn on his face and how his life is over. People are dead, there are zombies outside, and he's worried about how his face looks? The thing that gets me is, it's not even that bad of a burn! I can't believe that this shallow narcissistic thought even made it into the movie.

25. I suppose zombies and death make people horny.

26. "Look, everyone! I found an old book! Maybe it can help us!" Oh, really? You know, when I'm in a life or death situation, the first thing I do is go look for old books that will save the day. Of course, my luck, I would end up with a copy of Where the Red Fern Grows and get killed in five minutes.

27. Okay, the old book which miraculously does help is a log from a ship where the crew was killed and the ship was set fire. If the crew was killed and the ship destroyed, who wrote it down in the log?

28. There are times this movie makes me think I'm watching the three stooges fight zombies.

29. This dude is the most useless dude ever! Another chick dies because he just sits there and watches!

30. Finally, the end! The chick wasn't dead, but stepping on the bad guy's severed head took all her strength and she ended up dying anyway.

I have the feeling that I just watched the world's longest video game commercial and, honestly, I have no desire to check it out because if it's twice as intelligent as this movie was, it'll still be a waste of my time.

This movie viewed like it was written by twelve-year-old computer game geeks who flunked English.

The Passion of the Christ

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/P/images/passionofthechrist.jpg[/img][/center]

After months of speculation and endless controversy, Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion of the Christ has finally made its way to theaters. This movie, the story of the final twelve hours of Jesus' life, has been decried as needlessly violent, anti-Semitic, and the simple vanity project of a Hollywood rich boy.

Before I begin speaking about this movie too much, I've noticed that every amateur - and even a few professional - reviews of this movie always start out with the reviewer devoting a paragraph or more about what he believes in. "I'm a Christian," or "I'm an atheist," or "I'm an agnostic, Jew, Taoist, Buddhist" or whatever. Me, I'm not going to bore you with what a do or don't believe in because, let's face it... That's not what you're here for and you probably couldn't care less. This movie may or may not have had a personal impact on me... I'm not telling. I'll leave that to myself and anyone personal who may care. I'm here to talk about the movie, not my religion, not my faith, or my lack of both.

If you're here for a religious document or debate, hit the back button and move on. If you want to discuss a movie and stick your head above most of that rubbish, read on.

First of all, this is a well-made film. You can tell that Mel was passionate about the story and the content and put a lot of love into it. Was it a vanity project? Probably... but it's a good looking vanity project and that's the only thing I really care about.

All the actors speak either Aramaic or Latin... which means that between this hit movie and Lord of the Rings, the most popular movie languages are Biblical and Elvish. It's a risky move, but honestly... I think it's paid off. The actors emotions (and even their dialogue) transcends the language barrier even if you don't read the subtitles (which, I admit, I found myself not doing on occasion because I loved the look of the movie too much to look away).

I will say, though, that this is a brutal movie. You sit with Jesus for well over an hour as he's tortured by the Roman and Mel Gibson is bound and determined to make you experience every gory and painful detail of his demise. It's unpleasant, but it drives home the point that the movie is trying to make... Jesus went through Hell for humanity even when humanity was inflicting it on him.

Whether you are a religious person or a staunch Atheist, you have to admit that the story of Jesus is a powerful and fascinating story and The Passion of the Christ is a fascinating movie built upon that story and is so touching at times that I can't imagine anyone would be cynical enough not to be emotionally affected in some way or another.

As for the anti-Semitic arguments... yeah, there were some Jews depicted as pretty despicable people, but some were depicted as fair, some as caring, and some as indifferent. It was a pretty broad range of characters, but as a people I'd say that the Jews were fairly represented. If anything, The Passion of the Christ is more Anti-Roman than it is Anti-Semitic. Personally, I find the whole argument that this movie is anti-Semitic quite idiotic.

This is a great movie. Even from a non-theological standpoint. It's well made, well directed, well acted, haunting, powerful, and emotional. You'll be uncomfortable for long stretches of it, but I dare you to look away.

Even so, this movie will probably join Saving Private Ryan and a couple of other films that I've loved, but will probably never watch again.

Any Given Sunday

Here's my 1999 review of Any Given Sunday. I was sick with Pneumonia when I wrote this and had been for about two months and, therefore, it sucks. Still, enjoy!


[center]ANY GIVEN SUNDAY[/center]


Picture this: I'm sick... and I don't mean sick as in "I have a cold" or "I have the flu", I'm sick as in "I've had pneumonia for a month. Will I live to see 2000?". Yep, that's how I spent the last two weeks and my Christmas holiday... at death's door coughing and hacking up stuff that you only see in your nightmares. Well, I'm on the road to recovery at last and now I'm worrying about how to see the final wave of '99 releases before the big two-zero-zero-zero kicks me right in the butt. So, my little brother decides to drive me into town and see a movie right. Nice of the little guy (I say little even though he's going to be eighteen in two weeks and he's just a hair taller than I am now) since he knows I love the movies and haven't been able to go for a while. He asks me which movie I want to see... now, keep in mind I still don't feel very well... and I respond, "I don't care.

Big mistake.

My baby bro picks Any Given Sunday knowing full well that the only thing I hate more than football is a football movie. In fact, the best football movie I've seen in the last five years has been The Waterboy. Still, I was in that depressed sickly just-don't-give-a-crap stage and I went anyway.

I will say this, Any Given Sunday was hands and yards better than Varsity Blows, but in the long run it amounted to an NFL highlight film sporadically interrupted by a movie. Imagine... Monday Night Football: The Movie!

Oliver Stoner... I mean, Stone... God bless him, he has such mastery over the moving image. He manipulates action and imagery as though it was fine marble and he was Michelangelo.

Al Pacino... the guy totally rules. He can take a piece of shit role like the one he had in Dick Tracy and make it into a scene-chewing bonanza! I want to be just like Al when I grow up!

Cameron Diaz... My god, even when she's a total bitch on wheels, as she is in this movie, she is hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

LL Cool J... Does anyone find it odd that right after Deep Blue Sea we would find him playing football for a team called "The Sharks"?

And finally, Jaime Foxx... Our boy has really grown up. From Luwanda "I'm Gonna Rock Yo' World" on In Living Color to his big screen dramatic debut in On Any Given Sunday, Foxx proves he's got the acting legs to make it in Hollywood.

Any Given Sunday is chock full of excellent stars, but the story is paper-thin, full of every cliché in the football movie manual, very predictable, and probably an hour too long. In fact, by my estimate, if you cut out all of the football highlights, you'd be left with half an hour of movie.

Football, to me, just doesn't seem like good source material for a movie. I mean, the football movies just never seem to end up as good as, say, the baseball movies. Compare Johnny B. Good or All the Right Moves to A League of Their Own or Field of Dreams... there is no comparison, is there? Football just doesn't have the tradition, grander, or incorruptibility of baseball or other sports so all of the football movies are usually (and by usually I mean always) about corruption and backstabbing.

Personally, I didn't enjoy myself during Any Given Sunday but, if you like football, I suppose you will.

Antz
Antz(1998)
½

Hold on to your nuts, kids, here's my 1998 review of [i]Antz[/i]!

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/A/images/antz.jpg[/img][/center]

In the endless pissing contest between studios, we are often hit by two very similar movies at once. Witness last years, Volcano and Dantes Peak and last summer's Deep Impact and Armageddon.

Now it's happening again with two computer generated movies. Dreamwork's Antz is about (you guessed it) ants, and Disney's A Bug's Life is about (take a wild guess) ants.

Well, the first movie out of the gate was Antz. It has the voices of Woody Allen, Sharon Stone, and Sylvester Stallone. Antz is actually a movie for the older crowd. Characters says words like "damn", "hell", and "anus" and Stallone's character (Weaver) even goes as far as to ask Allen's character (Z) "What are you bitching about?" I'm not put off by the language. In fact, I enjoyed Antz immensely. It has the best CGI I've ever seen - even better than the previews of A Bugs Life, in which the bugs look like little white turds.

Antz has a great story and good character actors. Even Sylvester Stallone is good in this movie. Why? He plays a big dumb musclehead (Big stretch, Sly).

Antz will be enjoyed by all ages, young and old. The kids will be enchanted by the moving pictures and talking insects, and adults can laugh at the high brow humor and the low brow humor. Great movie.

Anger Management
½

Adam Sandler is back and trying his best to make up for [i]Little Nicky, Mr. Deeds[/i], and [i]8 Crazy Nights[/i]. His new film is called [i]Anger Management[/i] and, while it's a nice start to an apology, it's not quite the apology I require.

In this movie, Sandler plays a mild mannered wiener who accidentally gets into a scuffle with a flight attendant and lands himself in an anger management class, lest he go to the pokey and get pokey'ed in the shower.

At anger management, he meets Doctor Buddy Rydell played by Jack Nicholson. Rydell is highly respected, but he's a psycho and, after another accidental scuffle with a cocktail waitress, Sandler is going through aggressive therapy with the good doc.

Largely, this is a typical Adam Sandler movie. Sandler plays a good hearted quiet mannered guy who suffers from extreme bouts of anger. Where have we seen that character before? Let me think... Oh, yeah... in [i]Happy Gilmore, 8 Crazy Nights, Mr. Deeds, Punch Drunk Love, The Waterboy[/i], and [i]The Wedding Singer[/i]. Nice to see you try to expand into a completely new and different part there, Adam.

The highlight of this movie, however, is Jack Nicholson. This movie shines when Wacky Jack is unleashed and causes havoc in the mild-mannered protagonist's life. Unfortunately, though, the shine is dulled by an inexcusable amount of not being funny.

It's the script's fault. You can almost taste greatness in the air when this movie is playing, yet greatness never comes. Sure, it makes a cameo appearance here and there along with Woody Harrelson, Bob Knight, and Rudy Gulianni, but it never actually sticks around to do anything noteworthy.

If you're tired of the standard Sandler shtick, then I must recommend you avoid this movie in theaters and wait for it to come out on video. I, on the other hand, have always counted myself a fan of Adam Sandler and I found this movie to be acceptable. Not great, but acceptable. It's not anywhere in the league of [i]Happy Gilmore[/i], but at least it doesn't leave a foul odor like [i]8 Crazy Nights[/i] or [i]Mr. Deeds[/i].

Sure, some of Adam Sandler's self-congratulatory humor is getting a little hard to swallow, but [i]Anger Management[/i] is a nice quasi-return to his days of greatness. If he could just break from his typical comedy mold, I could see great things down the line but, Sandler sticks to what he knows like a nervous 60's family afraid to come out of the safety of their bomb shelter.

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/A/images/angermanagment.jpg[/img]
[/center]

Anastasia
Anastasia(1997)

[i]Here's another one of my earliest reviews from around 1997. I didn't take my writings that seriously back then, but my attitude towards OJ is more than evident. Enjoy![/i]

You know, someone told me that this movie was made by 20th Century Fox and not Disney. Sh-yeah! Right! Whoever heard of such a thing! A non-Disney studio making a cartoon? Not in a million years.... dream on pals. Of all of the stupid, idiotic things to... Say... wait a minute.... [i]Anastasia[/i] was made by 20th Century Fox. Well... I'll be darned. Hmmm.... Oh well...

Yes, folks... here it is. The latest attempt by Hollywood to ignore DNA testing. [i]Anastasia[/i] is, of course, about the lost daughter of the slain Russian Tzar (they don't get slain on screen) who goes to Paris and becomes a werewolf.... no wait, that was [i]An American Werewolf in Paris[/i]... sorry. In this movie, Anastasia (called "Anya") is joined by con men, Dimitri (nice generic Russian name.... don't you agree?) and Vlad (not "the impaler") and cute little doggie Pooka on a cross continent journey to Paris to seek out Anya's grandmother, Mrs. Potts.

However, all is not well in the land of Bluthe, for on their heals in the evil and dead and decaying Rasputin and his bat, Bartok, who will stop at nothing to kill her.

Well, what can I say? Great animation! It's (and I hate to say this) up to Disney's usual standards and even surpasses them frequently. Unlike Disney movies, the character talk casually and don't give a rip about who is the fairest of all or the circle of life. Anastasia falls flat on plot and gets very very very boring when the characters break out into song. (I can't get that friggin' "There's a Rumor in St. Petersburg" song out of my head. Damn you Anastasia! Damn you!). However, the excellent animation is worth the rental.

The Animatrix

What is [i]The Animatrix[/i]?

Well, simply put, it?s a collection of nine animated shorts based on the world of [i]The Matrix[/i]. Simple as that. These stories range from stand-alone stories to prequels to [i]The Matrix Reloaded[/i] to even a history lesson of the machine war.

The first is "The Final Flight of the Osiris." This [i]Final Fantasy[/i] style short played before the craptacular Dreamcatcher and serves as a prequel to [i]The Matrix Reloaded[/i].

In it, we are introduced to the two main characters as they play a little strip swordplay. The entire scene may seem a little unnecessary, but it?s mainly the animators showing off and, believes me, they have a lot to show off. The animation is spectacular and probably the most photo realistic CGI I?ve ever seen.

Of course, the swordplay ends when they are spotted by Sentinels in the real world and soon, they are on a mission to warn Zion of the upcoming invasion.

"The Final Flight of the Osiris" is smart, sexy, action packed, and amazing to look at.

Next, we have "The Second Renaissance Part One and Two." In these two shorts, we are shown the events leading up to the machine war, the machine war itself, and the machine?s enslavement of humanity.

This two-parter is my favorite of the lot. It?s done in an animie style and the story is just astounding? pulling no punches with the horrors of war with lots of blood and lots of splatter. The Second Renaissance fills in a huge gap in The Matrix? mythology.

Up next is one of the more disappointing segments called ?A Kid?s Story? where a high school skateboard kid discovers the truth about the matrix by corresponding with a mysterious person online. The animation is stylistic? but so much to a point where it is ugly and unpleasant to look at. Still, it does answer the question of who the hell that annoying little kid was in The Matrix Reloaded.

The pace picks up again with ?Program.? Two people, a man and a woman, spar in a Samarai simulation when the guy drops a bomb? he?s planning on betraying everyone, returning to the matrix, and living a normal life? and he wants the woman to go with him.

It?s a pretty effective story of betrayal and trust with some nice animation and ends with a satisfying twist.

The next segment, ?World Record? tells the story about how a determined track star discovers the matrix through the pain of tearing ligaments and straining muscles.

The animation in this cartoon is once again stylized almost to the point of ridiculousness, but the direction sells the surrealism. The event is tense and exciting and then ending is almost heartbreaking.

In ?Beyond,? we see the story of a young woman looking for her cat who enters an abandoned house and discovers a place where the laws of physics appear to have taken a vacation. Objects float, doors open to nowhere, time and space seem to have gone nutty.

This is a magical mystical story that also ends on a tragic down-note. While the content may seem a little weird, the direction and mystery of the piece really sells it.

One of the more stylish films (and I mean that in a good way this time) is ?A Detective Story,? a black and white noir movie where a private detective is hired by an unknown party to track down a hacker named Trinity.

Punctuated by an occasional flash of color, ?A Detective Story? is an example of the right way to use animation as the detective finds Trinity (voiced by Carrie Anne-Moss) and then comes close to discovering the secret of the matrix.

The last and definitely the most surreal ventures of The Animatrix is ?Matriculated.? Done in the style of Aeon Flux, this film shows a group of humans living on the surface trying to get machines to identify with humans, rather than hunt them.

A good deal of the story takes place in a kooky virtual environment where a lot of the fun is trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

Of course, this one ends on a down-note as well.

On the whole, if you?re a fan of [i]The Matrix[/i] then [i]The Animatrix[/i] is definitely something you should check out. Even though I?ve enjoyed both [i]Matrix[/i] movies (NOTE: I hated [i]Revolutions[/i]), I believe that this collection is superior both in direction and imagination.

What is [i]The Animatrix[/i]? Well, maybe the answer isn?t as simple as I thought.

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/A/images/animatrix.jpg[/img]

National Lampoon's Animal House

[size=1]Before the National Lampoon movies became one unfunny disaster after another, there were the classics. [i]National Lampoon's Vacation[/i] and [i]National Lampoon's Animal House[/i], a movie that defined college binge drinking and annoying frat boys for decades.[/size]

[size=1]They don't make movies like this anymore and even if they wanted to, they couldn't because of this useless fad of political correctness we're going through. It's a movie that you can watch hundreds and hundreds of times and still be rolling on the floor with laughter every time. I mean, sure, modern comedies - the good ones, at least - are nice. But I'll take Animal House over a hundred American Pies any day of the week.[/size]

[size=1]The story is, of course, simple. The Deltas are an out of control fraternity on some unmentioned campus in Anywhere, USA. The house's biggest foe is Dean Wormer who will stop at nothing to close down the boozing embarrassments to his college once and for all.[/size]

[size=1]Yeah, the pretentious will sneer at Animal House for its humor that aims at the lowest common denominator and its inconsistent storyline that's basically just a clothesline to hang jokes on. Admittedly, they are right... the story is inconsistent even if the first hour of the movie is almost perfect. What drives Animal House isn't the script... it's the actors and characters, most notably, of course, John Belushi's Bluto.[/size]

[size=1]Bluto is the overgrown child. The kind of guy who comes to campus and stays because he likes the beer. While I was in college, I knew a dozen of these guys and I didn't like a single one of them. None were like Bluto... Bluto is a likeable lump. A man who is a looser, yet he's also a winner because you just can't help but love him and his antics. In the hands of a lesser actor, Bluto would have been one of those dozen guys in college I didn't like, but he pulled the part off and stole the show with it. It's just another reason to miss the guy.[/size]

[size=1]The plot turns a little weak towards the tail end of the movie, but there's so many funny parts even in that weak area that it would take a review ten times as long as this one to list them all.[/size]

[size=1]It's not a perfect movie by any means, but it's a damn good one that is watchable for as long as your tape or DVD holds out. A campus classic.
[/size]

The Animal
The Animal(2001)

I gushed for The Animal when I first saw it and, you know... I still do. This movie was funny, dammit! Funny! Here's my original review!

[center][size=6]THE ANIMAL[/size][/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/A/images/animal.jpg[/img][/center]



Okay, okay, okay... I get this e-mail from Jesse in which he reviews The Animal giving it pretty high marks. Well, back when I reviewed one of them god-awful movies like Freddy Got Fingered, Joe Dirt, or Tomcats... I can't remember which and I can't bring myself to read those reviews again, I mentioned that the preview for The Animal gave me little hope for the coming Summer movie season. After all, how good could a movie about a guy put back together by a mad scientist with animal parts be? Basically, I broke one of my cardinal rules: don't pre-judge. But, in my defense... could YOU walk out of a movie like Freddy Got Fingered and not feel a deep seeded loathing of all cinema?

Well, here we go... I've seen The Animal, I'm eating my words, and they taste great. This is a funny, funny comedy and the trailer that's playing in theaters and on TV right now doesn't do it justice. You've always wondered why studios but the best parts of movies in the commercials? Well, it doens't happen here. Actually, the lamest bits got put into the trailers while the best parts are left in the movie! Genius! But not too smart or it would have opened in first place.

I loved this movie. I'm so glad to see that Rob Schnieder - a man who less than a couple of years ago I said I couldn't stand - has actually matured as an actor giving his character in The Animal much needed humanity and tenderness.

Colleen from Survivor is in this movie too... basically, she's like furniture that can talk. Still cute though, but she doesn't have any talent. Granted, she probably won't be the last one from Survivor to make the jump to the big screen. Hell, I live only a dozen miles from Christoval, Texas and am vaguely acquainted with Colby Donadson, the 2nd place guy in Survivor II. Colby, buddy... when Hollywood comes a'callin, don't forget me!

Hell, I'm shocked that I loved The Animal. Just a nice low-brow comedy in the tradition of Happy Gilmore and Idle Hands that says to hell with the noose of political correctness and goes for maximum laughs. It may not win any awards, but it make you laugh and in the end, that's all that counts.

An Alan Smithee Film: Burn, Hollywood, Burn

Here's my 1998 review of Burn, Hollywood, Burn. It's short and I gave the movie a D-, but reading it now it almost seems like I'm giving this piece of shit a modest recommendation. I assure you, I am not... I was being sarcastic but since this is one of my earliest reviews, the sarcasm doesn't come through.

Joe Esterhauz preaching the stupidity of Hollywood is like Colonel Packwood chairing a seminar on preventing sexual harassment.

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/B/posters/burnhollywoodburn.jpg[/img][/center]

During the first few moments of [i]Burn, Hollywood, Burn[/i] there were several times in which the movie bordered on genius in it's biting satire of the Hollywood power structure. However, by the half-hour point, the jokes had grown old and the premise nose dived. This is a movie that would have worked out a lot better had it been one of those half-hour Comedy Central specials.

However, I do recommend this movie for anyone interested in getting into the Hollywood business - it's going to be an education for you.
Also, if you think that it's impossible for Sylvester Stallone to make an even bigger ass of himself, I also recommend [i]Burn, Hollywood, Burn[/i]. Trust me... it's possible

Runaway Jury
Runaway Jury(2003)
½

[center][size=6]RUNAWAY JURY[/size][/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/R/images/runaway_jury.jpg[/img][/center]

How easily can a jury me manipulated by the highest bidder? Do big companies buy verdicts? Can one person sway an outcome for whoever pays the most cash? Apparently so as in the case of [i]Runaway Jury[/i], the movie starring Dustin Hoffman, Gene Hackman, John Cusack, and Rachel Wiesz.

The story is this: The family of a man killed in a shooting spree is suing a gun company for their careless marketing of guns. The gun company, being the evil empire that they are obviously, hires Rankin Fitch (Gene Hackman) a master of jury manipulation who can do no more than look at you and know your job, your personality, your family, and what color of underwear you have on.

Fitch gets to work getting the poop on the jury members so he can manipulate them, but runs into a problem in the form of a lovely young lady named Marlee (Rachel Wiesz) who has a man inside the jury and will give the verdict to the Fitch or to the prosecution, Wendell Rohr (Dustin Hoffman) depending on who pays her and her accomplice ten million dollars.

Being that this is based on a John Grisham book, you might as well throw all hints of reality and all knowledge about the law out the window because this movie really has neither. What is does have, however, is a slickness and intensity about it that makes up for all factual faux paux.

The cast does a terrific job and it's always fun to see Hackman, Hoffman, and Cusack chew up the scenery at a brisk pace. There are plenty of twists and turns in the story to keep it interesting, it never devolves into the easy sermon against guns, and even though you may see the ending coming from a mile away, it doesn't diminish the excitement.

Yeah, it's silly and unbelievable... but it bluffs its way through the unbelievably just fine to deliver a smooth and tense thriller nonetheless.

Also, I've posted my review of [i]Lost in Translation[/i]. Check it out now, cretin!

[url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/L/lost_in_translation.htm"]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/L/lost_in_translation.htm[/url]

Annie
Annie(1982)

[center][size=7]ANNIE[/size][/center]
[center] [/center]
[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/A/images/annie.jpg[/img][/center]

Perhaps the end of the era of the Hollywood musical was the big screen adaptation of the beloved Broadway kid, Annie. The story, based on the play which was based on the Little Orphan Annie comic strip, was all about a little orphan (Annie, of course) finding her way into the good life after running away from the orphanage and her evil keeper, Miss Hannigan.
Annie is taken in by the very rich and very standoffish Mr. Warbucks (who, of course, becomes Daddy Warbucks) and eventually grows to love the life of the wealthy? but wants real parent. So, Daddy Warbucks and his clan decide to step in and find them.

Unfortunately, this is where Miss Hannigan and her con man brother, Rooster, come back into the picture seeing the opportunity to con their way onto easy street.

Annie is a sweet heart-felt movie filled with fun and great songs. No deep messages or witty social commentary to be found anywhere in it?s run, it?s just a good, sweet, and harmless romp for the whole family. The players obviously have a great time as Carol Burnett and Tim Curry ruthlessly steal the show.

Of course, the more jaded amongst you will be put off by the never-ending saccharin tide of goody-goody gumdrop happiness that flows from Annie like lava from Mona Kea and, of course, it is a musical so it will have to overcome the musical stigma that a lot of people have.

Still, the movie is harmless? something that is to be missed in modern family movies. I mean, folks? I watched Kangaroo Jack recently and sat through camel farts, a wet T-Shirt, mob violence, and Jerry O?Connell. Now, normally those things wouldn?t bother me a bit but someday when Donner jr. in all his ? I?m sure, short lived ? innocence is sitting next to me in a theater it will. Very much!

It was the last great Hollywood musical and, in this age where musicals seem to be making a welcome comeback, it?s a neat find if you?ve never seen it before. Besides, if you can?t watch it today, you always have?

Tomorrow. Tomorrow. You?ll watch it tomorrow. It?s only a DVD awaaaaaaaay!

Oh damn, did that come out loud?

Anaconda
Anaconda(1997)

Another one of my ancient reviews from 1997. Enjoy!

[center][size=6]ANACONDA[/size][/center]
[center][size=6][/size] [/center]
[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/A/posters/anaconda.jpg[/img][/center]

Grab hold of something and prepare for a shock. Now, what I have to tell you is disturbing but I feel you must know this horrible, horrible news. Ready? B movies are back! "OH MY DEAR GOD NOOOOO!!!" is what most sane people would say especially in the wake of two really good horror movies, [i]Scream[/i] and [i]The Relic[/i].
Now, in this movie we have a documentary film crew going out into the amazon looking for a lost tribe. Along with them is Ice Cube and Kari Wuher (A.K.A. Maggie on [i]Sliders[/i]).

Anyway, they meet this guy from the Mission: Impossible movie who takes them on the wrong river so he can hunt the giant Anaconda snake.

The computer Generated snake effects are not exactly [i]Jurassic Park[/i] quality and the acting is horrible. In short...if the biggest reaction you get from an audience is when a giant snake barfs up John Vought, you know you're in a ssssssssucky movie.

An American Werewolf in Paris

Here's my 1997 review of An American Werewolf in Paris. Looking back, I think I liked this movie a little more than I should have and, yes, my love for this movie has cooled greatly over the last six years. Still, I consider An American Werewolf in Paris one of my guilty pleasures.

So, here's my old review. It's a bit embarassing because I really didn't take my reviews too seriously back then, but what the hell... it's also an indication of how far I've come and at least I'm not bullshitting you about what I like and don't like!

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/A/images/awip.jpg[/img][/center]

[center][size=5]AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS[/size][/center]


Sixteen years after [i]An American Werewolf in London[/i], we learn that werewolves are alive and well in Paris as well as the resulting daughter from the rendezvous in An American Werewolf in London, Sarafine, who tries to commit suicide by leaping off of the Eiffel Tower. Enter the "American" in American Werewolf, Andy, a young daredevil on a European tour who rescues Sarafine and falls hopelessly in love with her.

Despite several attempts to ward Andy and his buddies off, Sarafine finally agrees to go out on a date which is cut short by Sarafine kicking the snot out of a guy three times her size. Sarfine disappears and Andy and his friends race back to her house and are greeted by a man named Claude who invites them to a party saying that Sarafine will be there. Upon getting to the party, Sarafine whisks Andy away telling him to run for his life... just as the full moon rises and she begins to transform.

To make a long story short (too late!), Andy is bitten, his friends are torn to pieces, and hilarity and hijinks ensue.

I really don't know what it was about [i]An American Werewolf in Paris[/i] that I liked so much. Probably the mixing of dark humor and horror... maybe the continuation of the American Werewolf story... maybe just because of the werewolves. It's just gloriously sick and gory and I loved just about every minute of it!

Not to say that the movie didn't have a few problems! In all honesty, it did fizzle out a bit near the end (but did redeem itself), and the ending had a plot hole you could drive a Mac Truck through. But these two problems aside, An American Werewolf in Paris was a great movie - one of the better horror movies this year! The duel of the battling corpses is great!

Eurotrip
Eurotrip(2003)
½

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/E/images/eurotrip.jpg[/img]

God, I loved it! Oh, my side! Read my full review below!

[url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/E/eurotrip.htm"]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/E/eurotrip.htm[/url]

American Psycho
½

[center][size=6]AMERICAN PSYCHO[/size][/center]

I've got mixed feelings about American Psycho. On one hand, it's a clever parody of the gluttony and self-absorption of the 1980's yuppie, but on the other hand it's just so damn weird. Christian Bale, who made a mark for himself in 2000's Shaft remake, plays one of those self-absorbed yuppies who uses a dozen kinds of soaps, ponders endlessly about whether he should choose bone or eggshell for his business cards, and has the very morbid hobby of murders and executions.

If you look beyond the surface of blood and gore, you'll find a movie that says a lot about 80's greed and arrogance. This movie also has a pretty good twist at the end that almost ranks up there with Fight Club and The Sixth Sense. Still, like I said, there are moments when American Psycho goes way off into left field and totally threw me. It gets too weird for it's own good. Still, if you like dark - and I do mean pitch black - humor, American Psycho will keep you entertained for the afternoon.

[center]
[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/A/posters/americanpsycho.jpg[/img][/center]

American Pie 2

Time to delve back into my old reviews and, since we're going alphebetically... here's American Pie 2!

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/A/images/americanpie2.jpg[/img][/center]

[center][size=5]AMERICAN PIE 2[/size][/center]

[left]It's been a year since the warm apple pie goodness of [i]American Pie[/i] and now, after completing their freshman year in college, Jim, Finch, Oz, and Stifler are back home and itching to jump into the dating pool in [i]American Pie 2[/i]. [/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]I've said it before, and I'll say it again. 2001 has been an ultra sucky year. I'm not kidding folks, aside from a very few isolated movies this year, it's been nothing but a great big ball of suck and the sequels have been the worst. From [i]The Mummy Returns[/i] to [i]Rush Hour 2[/i], the follow ups have been downers with the only exception being [i]Doctor Dolittle 2[/i] and now -thank God - [i]American Pie 2[/i] which manages to savor the original's charm and compassion, while still making us laugh at piss and dick jokes. [/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]They call [i]American Pie[/i] the [i]Porkys[/i] of our generation, but let's be serious... [i]Porkys[/i] makes [i]American Pie[/i] look [i]Barney's Magical Picnic[/i]. Not a bad thing because, let's face it, in this day of the moral majority, happy Jack and the MPAA, and big bad Dubya, there'd be no way in hell another [/left]
[left][i]Porkys[/i] could get made. [/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The movie is a little less funny than the first movie as there are some pretty lengthy scretches of somber, quiet, and quite boring reflection done by some of the characters, but the movie's funniest moments like "Stifler's shower" and "Superglue" more than make up for some of the dips in the pacing. I don't want to give anything away and, thank god, the previews for this movie have spoiled very very little of the actual jokes. See it now before that changes! [/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The cast is all back from the main characters to even the MILF guys (if you don't know what that means, shame on you). Seann William Scott once again steals every scene he's in and Jason Biggs once again makes us feel sorry for the sexually retarded Jim. Nadia's back also, but for some reason she's not as hot as she was in the first movie... I guess appearing in a piece of shit like [i]Tomcats[/i] will do that to you. [/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Well, the sequel's full of laughs and a lot of heart. Fans of the original should dig this flick.[/left]

The Fighting Temptations
½

We rented The Fighting Temptations today. It was an all right movie even if it did just rip-off the best part of the two Sister Act movies. Basically, if you like good gospel music (or any music for that matter) this movie should make your day even if it is a bit stale, bland, and predictable. I'll have a full review soon but needless to say... this one isn't completley approved by me, but it's not dissaproved either.

[center][img]http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00011ZBZ2.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg[/img][/center]

[center][url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies"][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/images/linkbanners/mainpagetitle21.jpg[/img][/url][/center]

The Lion King 1 1/2

[center][size=7]It's Valentine's Day![/size][/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/images/valentinesday/candy_heart.jpg[/img][/center]

Probably the most useless holiday ever. I thought my whole attitude about it would change after I got married, but nope... they still want dinner before you get some.

[size=6]The Lion King 1½[/size]
[size=6][/size]
Disney wants a little more Hakuna Matata and, amazingly, I loved this direct-to-video movie! Check out the full review [url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/L/TheLionKing1.htm"]here[/url].

[center][url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies"][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/images/linkbanners/mainpagetitle2.jpg[/img][/url][/center]

Friday the 13th Part 2
½

Happy Friday the 13th!

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday1.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/kevinbaconinfridaythe13th.jpg[/img][/center]

The first of the Friday the 13th movies is unusual in that Jason only appears for a couple of seconds and in a form we don't expect him in. No, in the first movie, there is another killer all together... an assassin hunting the counselors at Camp Crystal Lake.

This movie was a surprise hit, to be sure... pushing this modest slasher movie into the top twenty of the year. It had all the classic staples of a horror movie... isolated setting, eerie location, and an abundance of suspense and mystery of who the killer actually was.

It turns out that in 1958, two Crystal Lake camp counselors were murdered just before they hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing. Flash foreward twelve years to 1980, and we see that the camp is about to reopen with a fresh new lot of camp counselors who soon begin to die of horrible and pointy deaths until there is only one left.

Sure, the original Friday the 13th is tame by today's standards thanks to copycats and rip-offs over the last two decades, but at the time it was released, the slasher movie was in its infancy with John Carpenter's Halloween. No matter how lame some of the gore may look by today's standards (in fact, it's the least gory of the series), Friday the 13th left its audiences squirming at the stuff we desensitized folks yawn at today.
Yeah, it was a simple movie with a simple plot, but extras like the make up effects and shocking on-screen deaths elevated this slasher film above its ilk. Hey, it spawned nine sequels so you know it was doing something right. This movie is a classic. Live with it... or, in the spirit of the movie... don't live with it.

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday2.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday2-1.jpg[/img][/center]

[left]Following on the heels of the surprise hit of Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th, Part 2 finally introduced the man that would be pulping horny teen-agers for the next two decades.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Picking up where the first movie left off, Part II opens with the brutal slaying of the heroine from the first movie and her poor unsuspecting sap of a boyfriend. From there, it's painfully obvious that there is a new killer on the block picking up from where Mama Voorhees left off. But can it be possible? Can Jason actually have survived his supposed drowning only to live life as a hermit and come back a stark raving mad killing machine? Well, the camp counselor trainees at a nearby camp on Crystal Lake are about to find out as the Friday the Thirteenth body count continues.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]To be honest, this movie isn't that great. Mostly, it boils down to a retread of the first movie with the lone surviving heroine running for her life and eventually confronting the killer. It's a sloppy piecemeal effort that was rushed into production. Still, it is notable as it is the first appearance of the grown-up Jason Voorhees even if he isn't sporting the trademark hockey mask and is, instead, wearing a bag over his head with a hole in it.[/left]
[left]While not great, the movie isn't that bad either. Sure, the atmosphere and shock of the first movie is absent, the ending is confusing, and the body count is the lowest in the entire series, but Friday the 13th, Part II is a worthy second go at a cash cow even if it is critically lambasted.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Aw, who am I kidding? They're all critically lambasted anyway and I'm being generous here.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th Part 3: 3-D[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]
[size=5][/size]
[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday3.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[left]During the brief 3-D renaissance of the 1980's, it was decided that the next Friday the 13th outing should use the resurrected technology. Therefore, Friday the Thirteenth Part III: 3-D was born and would go on to become the most successful 3-D movie ever made. This time, Jason would be slicing his way right through the screen.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Donning his trademark hockey mask for the first time, Jason has somehow survived getting hit in the head with a machete in Part II and goes on to kill even more sexually deviant teens at yet another camp inconveniently situated on Crystal Lake.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]I would kill... well, not literally, to see this movie in 3-D. There's all kinds of interesting tricks I would love to see the way they were meant to be seen and not on a rinky dink 2-D television set. Now, most of the effects that are supposed to make you jump have no effect at all.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Overall, despite its success at the box office, Friday the Thirteenth Part III: 3-D is a pretty bad movie helped by a cool gimmick. Nowadays, however, the gimmick is gone and the movie just blows.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Bad script, bad acting, terrible direction, and to top all this off, the movie[/left]
[left]moves at a snail's pace up until the last twenty minutes when things finally start popping.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Speaking of popping, there is a cool death scene where a guy's eyeball pops out of his head towards the camera. That would have been awesome to see in 3-D.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Well, until Paramount finally gets off their butts and issue a 3-D DVD, Part III is doomed to be remembered as one of Jason's more boring bloodbaths.[/left]

[center][size=5][/size] [/center]
[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th: THE FINAL CHAPTER[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday4.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday4a.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]
[left]It's 1984. The USA is winning the summer Olympics, Reaganomics is in full swing, and Jason Voorhees is about to meet his match in the form of a young Corey Feldman.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]And you thought Boba Fett's death was embarrassing?[/left]
[left] [/left]
[left]Yep, it was decided that Jason would finally bite the big one and that he would go out with a bang.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The story opens with Jason being wheeled into a morgue having suffered a slight case of death in the last movie. Well, he gets better, kills a bunch of people, and high tails it to Crystal Lake where (Shock, Surprise, and gasp!) a brand new flock of horny teenagers have arrived at a couple of houses all ready to be slaughtered and everything. Add to the mix, a young man out to avenge the death of his sister at Jason's hands and you know it's going to be a long night.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Despite my good-hearted jabs at this movie, it's really quite good, gory, and shocking... especially during the movie's last few minutes when Jason meets his end.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Perhaps it's just because Part III is so bad, it makes The Final Chapter look good by comparison or maybe it's just that the movie really is good, not only on a horror level, but also on a suspenseful and, yes, tragic level as the end of the movie sees not only a pillar of the slasher genre dead, but also shatters the youthful innocence of young kid Tommy Jarvis, played by Corey Feldman.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]It has its problems, but it's one of the better entries into the series despite the fact that the "final chapter" moniker has been laughed at during the following six films.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]But, hey... who knew?[/left]

[center] [/center]
[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday5.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[left]The Jason is dead. Long live the Jason![/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Arguably... or, I guess I should say inarguably since very few Friday the Thirteenth fans will disagree with me, this is the worst movie of the whole series suffering from a copycat killer and a lack of the original and true Jason.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The movie kicks off with a much older (and different) Tommy Jarvis being sent to a halfway home for troubled teens. As it turns out, having his mother and friends hacked to death by a whacko in a hockey mask had a negative effect on the boy and now, suffering from dementia and depression, Tommy is struggling to put his life back into order.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The movie plays like an old episode of Scooby-Doo as the characters try to figure out who-done-it before he does it to them. By the end, the movie is tired and boring even with the elements of black humor being injected into the series.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]True, the body count is high and the gore is impressive, but the characters suck and you're actually rooting for the lame Jason impostor to finish them off so you don't have to watch them anymore.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]By the final frame, you're groaning as the movie reaches its ultimate and predictable conclusion. Thankfully, it was ignored as Part VI came along.[/left]

Friday the 13th Part 3

Happy Friday the 13th!

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday1.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/kevinbaconinfridaythe13th.jpg[/img][/center]

The first of the Friday the 13th movies is unusual in that Jason only appears for a couple of seconds and in a form we don't expect him in. No, in the first movie, there is another killer all together... an assassin hunting the counselors at Camp Crystal Lake.

This movie was a surprise hit, to be sure... pushing this modest slasher movie into the top twenty of the year. It had all the classic staples of a horror movie... isolated setting, eerie location, and an abundance of suspense and mystery of who the killer actually was.

It turns out that in 1958, two Crystal Lake camp counselors were murdered just before they hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing. Flash foreward twelve years to 1980, and we see that the camp is about to reopen with a fresh new lot of camp counselors who soon begin to die of horrible and pointy deaths until there is only one left.

Sure, the original Friday the 13th is tame by today's standards thanks to copycats and rip-offs over the last two decades, but at the time it was released, the slasher movie was in its infancy with John Carpenter's Halloween. No matter how lame some of the gore may look by today's standards (in fact, it's the least gory of the series), Friday the 13th left its audiences squirming at the stuff we desensitized folks yawn at today.
Yeah, it was a simple movie with a simple plot, but extras like the make up effects and shocking on-screen deaths elevated this slasher film above its ilk. Hey, it spawned nine sequels so you know it was doing something right. This movie is a classic. Live with it... or, in the spirit of the movie... don't live with it.

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday2.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday2-1.jpg[/img][/center]

[left]Following on the heels of the surprise hit of Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th, Part 2 finally introduced the man that would be pulping horny teen-agers for the next two decades.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Picking up where the first movie left off, Part II opens with the brutal slaying of the heroine from the first movie and her poor unsuspecting sap of a boyfriend. From there, it's painfully obvious that there is a new killer on the block picking up from where Mama Voorhees left off. But can it be possible? Can Jason actually have survived his supposed drowning only to live life as a hermit and come back a stark raving mad killing machine? Well, the camp counselor trainees at a nearby camp on Crystal Lake are about to find out as the Friday the Thirteenth body count continues.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]To be honest, this movie isn't that great. Mostly, it boils down to a retread of the first movie with the lone surviving heroine running for her life and eventually confronting the killer. It's a sloppy piecemeal effort that was rushed into production. Still, it is notable as it is the first appearance of the grown-up Jason Voorhees even if he isn't sporting the trademark hockey mask and is, instead, wearing a bag over his head with a hole in it.[/left]
[left]While not great, the movie isn't that bad either. Sure, the atmosphere and shock of the first movie is absent, the ending is confusing, and the body count is the lowest in the entire series, but Friday the 13th, Part II is a worthy second go at a cash cow even if it is critically lambasted.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Aw, who am I kidding? They're all critically lambasted anyway and I'm being generous here.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th Part 3: 3-D[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]
[size=5][/size]
[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday3.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[left]During the brief 3-D renaissance of the 1980's, it was decided that the next Friday the 13th outing should use the resurrected technology. Therefore, Friday the Thirteenth Part III: 3-D was born and would go on to become the most successful 3-D movie ever made. This time, Jason would be slicing his way right through the screen.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Donning his trademark hockey mask for the first time, Jason has somehow survived getting hit in the head with a machete in Part II and goes on to kill even more sexually deviant teens at yet another camp inconveniently situated on Crystal Lake.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]I would kill... well, not literally, to see this movie in 3-D. There's all kinds of interesting tricks I would love to see the way they were meant to be seen and not on a rinky dink 2-D television set. Now, most of the effects that are supposed to make you jump have no effect at all.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Overall, despite its success at the box office, Friday the Thirteenth Part III: 3-D is a pretty bad movie helped by a cool gimmick. Nowadays, however, the gimmick is gone and the movie just blows.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Bad script, bad acting, terrible direction, and to top all this off, the movie[/left]
[left]moves at a snail's pace up until the last twenty minutes when things finally start popping.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Speaking of popping, there is a cool death scene where a guy's eyeball pops out of his head towards the camera. That would have been awesome to see in 3-D.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Well, until Paramount finally gets off their butts and issue a 3-D DVD, Part III is doomed to be remembered as one of Jason's more boring bloodbaths.[/left]

[center][size=5][/size] [/center]
[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th: THE FINAL CHAPTER[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday4.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday4a.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]
[left]It's 1984. The USA is winning the summer Olympics, Reaganomics is in full swing, and Jason Voorhees is about to meet his match in the form of a young Corey Feldman.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]And you thought Boba Fett's death was embarrassing?[/left]
[left] [/left]
[left]Yep, it was decided that Jason would finally bite the big one and that he would go out with a bang.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The story opens with Jason being wheeled into a morgue having suffered a slight case of death in the last movie. Well, he gets better, kills a bunch of people, and high tails it to Crystal Lake where (Shock, Surprise, and gasp!) a brand new flock of horny teenagers have arrived at a couple of houses all ready to be slaughtered and everything. Add to the mix, a young man out to avenge the death of his sister at Jason's hands and you know it's going to be a long night.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Despite my good-hearted jabs at this movie, it's really quite good, gory, and shocking... especially during the movie's last few minutes when Jason meets his end.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Perhaps it's just because Part III is so bad, it makes The Final Chapter look good by comparison or maybe it's just that the movie really is good, not only on a horror level, but also on a suspenseful and, yes, tragic level as the end of the movie sees not only a pillar of the slasher genre dead, but also shatters the youthful innocence of young kid Tommy Jarvis, played by Corey Feldman.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]It has its problems, but it's one of the better entries into the series despite the fact that the "final chapter" moniker has been laughed at during the following six films.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]But, hey... who knew?[/left]

[center] [/center]
[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday5.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[left]The Jason is dead. Long live the Jason![/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Arguably... or, I guess I should say inarguably since very few Friday the Thirteenth fans will disagree with me, this is the worst movie of the whole series suffering from a copycat killer and a lack of the original and true Jason.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The movie kicks off with a much older (and different) Tommy Jarvis being sent to a halfway home for troubled teens. As it turns out, having his mother and friends hacked to death by a whacko in a hockey mask had a negative effect on the boy and now, suffering from dementia and depression, Tommy is struggling to put his life back into order.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The movie plays like an old episode of Scooby-Doo as the characters try to figure out who-done-it before he does it to them. By the end, the movie is tired and boring even with the elements of black humor being injected into the series.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]True, the body count is high and the gore is impressive, but the characters suck and you're actually rooting for the lame Jason impostor to finish them off so you don't have to watch them anymore.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]By the final frame, you're groaning as the movie reaches its ultimate and predictable conclusion. Thankfully, it was ignored as Part VI came along.[/left]

Friday the 13th
½

Happy Friday the 13th!

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday1.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/kevinbaconinfridaythe13th.jpg[/img][/center]

The first of the Friday the 13th movies is unusual in that Jason only appears for a couple of seconds and in a form we don't expect him in. No, in the first movie, there is another killer all together... an assassin hunting the counselors at Camp Crystal Lake.

This movie was a surprise hit, to be sure... pushing this modest slasher movie into the top twenty of the year. It had all the classic staples of a horror movie... isolated setting, eerie location, and an abundance of suspense and mystery of who the killer actually was.

It turns out that in 1958, two Crystal Lake camp counselors were murdered just before they hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing. Flash foreward twelve years to 1980, and we see that the camp is about to reopen with a fresh new lot of camp counselors who soon begin to die of horrible and pointy deaths until there is only one left.

Sure, the original Friday the 13th is tame by today's standards thanks to copycats and rip-offs over the last two decades, but at the time it was released, the slasher movie was in its infancy with John Carpenter's Halloween. No matter how lame some of the gore may look by today's standards (in fact, it's the least gory of the series), Friday the 13th left its audiences squirming at the stuff we desensitized folks yawn at today.
Yeah, it was a simple movie with a simple plot, but extras like the make up effects and shocking on-screen deaths elevated this slasher film above its ilk. Hey, it spawned nine sequels so you know it was doing something right. This movie is a classic. Live with it... or, in the spirit of the movie... don't live with it.

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday2.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday2-1.jpg[/img][/center]

[left]Following on the heels of the surprise hit of Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th, Part 2 finally introduced the man that would be pulping horny teen-agers for the next two decades.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Picking up where the first movie left off, Part II opens with the brutal slaying of the heroine from the first movie and her poor unsuspecting sap of a boyfriend. From there, it's painfully obvious that there is a new killer on the block picking up from where Mama Voorhees left off. But can it be possible? Can Jason actually have survived his supposed drowning only to live life as a hermit and come back a stark raving mad killing machine? Well, the camp counselor trainees at a nearby camp on Crystal Lake are about to find out as the Friday the Thirteenth body count continues.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]To be honest, this movie isn't that great. Mostly, it boils down to a retread of the first movie with the lone surviving heroine running for her life and eventually confronting the killer. It's a sloppy piecemeal effort that was rushed into production. Still, it is notable as it is the first appearance of the grown-up Jason Voorhees even if he isn't sporting the trademark hockey mask and is, instead, wearing a bag over his head with a hole in it.[/left]
[left]While not great, the movie isn't that bad either. Sure, the atmosphere and shock of the first movie is absent, the ending is confusing, and the body count is the lowest in the entire series, but Friday the 13th, Part II is a worthy second go at a cash cow even if it is critically lambasted.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Aw, who am I kidding? They're all critically lambasted anyway and I'm being generous here.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th Part 3: 3-D[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]
[size=5][/size]
[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday3.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[left]During the brief 3-D renaissance of the 1980's, it was decided that the next Friday the 13th outing should use the resurrected technology. Therefore, Friday the Thirteenth Part III: 3-D was born and would go on to become the most successful 3-D movie ever made. This time, Jason would be slicing his way right through the screen.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Donning his trademark hockey mask for the first time, Jason has somehow survived getting hit in the head with a machete in Part II and goes on to kill even more sexually deviant teens at yet another camp inconveniently situated on Crystal Lake.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]I would kill... well, not literally, to see this movie in 3-D. There's all kinds of interesting tricks I would love to see the way they were meant to be seen and not on a rinky dink 2-D television set. Now, most of the effects that are supposed to make you jump have no effect at all.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Overall, despite its success at the box office, Friday the Thirteenth Part III: 3-D is a pretty bad movie helped by a cool gimmick. Nowadays, however, the gimmick is gone and the movie just blows.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Bad script, bad acting, terrible direction, and to top all this off, the movie[/left]
[left]moves at a snail's pace up until the last twenty minutes when things finally start popping.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Speaking of popping, there is a cool death scene where a guy's eyeball pops out of his head towards the camera. That would have been awesome to see in 3-D.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Well, until Paramount finally gets off their butts and issue a 3-D DVD, Part III is doomed to be remembered as one of Jason's more boring bloodbaths.[/left]

[center][size=5][/size] [/center]
[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th: THE FINAL CHAPTER[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday4.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday4a.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]
[left]It's 1984. The USA is winning the summer Olympics, Reaganomics is in full swing, and Jason Voorhees is about to meet his match in the form of a young Corey Feldman.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]And you thought Boba Fett's death was embarrassing?[/left]
[left] [/left]
[left]Yep, it was decided that Jason would finally bite the big one and that he would go out with a bang.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The story opens with Jason being wheeled into a morgue having suffered a slight case of death in the last movie. Well, he gets better, kills a bunch of people, and high tails it to Crystal Lake where (Shock, Surprise, and gasp!) a brand new flock of horny teenagers have arrived at a couple of houses all ready to be slaughtered and everything. Add to the mix, a young man out to avenge the death of his sister at Jason's hands and you know it's going to be a long night.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Despite my good-hearted jabs at this movie, it's really quite good, gory, and shocking... especially during the movie's last few minutes when Jason meets his end.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Perhaps it's just because Part III is so bad, it makes The Final Chapter look good by comparison or maybe it's just that the movie really is good, not only on a horror level, but also on a suspenseful and, yes, tragic level as the end of the movie sees not only a pillar of the slasher genre dead, but also shatters the youthful innocence of young kid Tommy Jarvis, played by Corey Feldman.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]It has its problems, but it's one of the better entries into the series despite the fact that the "final chapter" moniker has been laughed at during the following six films.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]But, hey... who knew?[/left]

[center] [/center]
[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday5.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[left]The Jason is dead. Long live the Jason![/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Arguably... or, I guess I should say inarguably since very few Friday the Thirteenth fans will disagree with me, this is the worst movie of the whole series suffering from a copycat killer and a lack of the original and true Jason.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The movie kicks off with a much older (and different) Tommy Jarvis being sent to a halfway home for troubled teens. As it turns out, having his mother and friends hacked to death by a whacko in a hockey mask had a negative effect on the boy and now, suffering from dementia and depression, Tommy is struggling to put his life back into order.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The movie plays like an old episode of Scooby-Doo as the characters try to figure out who-done-it before he does it to them. By the end, the movie is tired and boring even with the elements of black humor being injected into the series.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]True, the body count is high and the gore is impressive, but the characters suck and you're actually rooting for the lame Jason impostor to finish them off so you don't have to watch them anymore.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]By the final frame, you're groaning as the movie reaches its ultimate and predictable conclusion. Thankfully, it was ignored as Part VI came along.[/left]

Friday the 13th, Part V - A New Beginning

Happy Friday the 13th!

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday1.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/kevinbaconinfridaythe13th.jpg[/img][/center]

The first of the Friday the 13th movies is unusual in that Jason only appears for a couple of seconds and in a form we don't expect him in. No, in the first movie, there is another killer all together... an assassin hunting the counselors at Camp Crystal Lake.

This movie was a surprise hit, to be sure... pushing this modest slasher movie into the top twenty of the year. It had all the classic staples of a horror movie... isolated setting, eerie location, and an abundance of suspense and mystery of who the killer actually was.

It turns out that in 1958, two Crystal Lake camp counselors were murdered just before they hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing. Flash foreward twelve years to 1980, and we see that the camp is about to reopen with a fresh new lot of camp counselors who soon begin to die of horrible and pointy deaths until there is only one left.

Sure, the original Friday the 13th is tame by today's standards thanks to copycats and rip-offs over the last two decades, but at the time it was released, the slasher movie was in its infancy with John Carpenter's Halloween. No matter how lame some of the gore may look by today's standards (in fact, it's the least gory of the series), Friday the 13th left its audiences squirming at the stuff we desensitized folks yawn at today.
Yeah, it was a simple movie with a simple plot, but extras like the make up effects and shocking on-screen deaths elevated this slasher film above its ilk. Hey, it spawned nine sequels so you know it was doing something right. This movie is a classic. Live with it... or, in the spirit of the movie... don't live with it.

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday2.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday2-1.jpg[/img][/center]

[left]Following on the heels of the surprise hit of Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th, Part 2 finally introduced the man that would be pulping horny teen-agers for the next two decades.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Picking up where the first movie left off, Part II opens with the brutal slaying of the heroine from the first movie and her poor unsuspecting sap of a boyfriend. From there, it's painfully obvious that there is a new killer on the block picking up from where Mama Voorhees left off. But can it be possible? Can Jason actually have survived his supposed drowning only to live life as a hermit and come back a stark raving mad killing machine? Well, the camp counselor trainees at a nearby camp on Crystal Lake are about to find out as the Friday the Thirteenth body count continues.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]To be honest, this movie isn't that great. Mostly, it boils down to a retread of the first movie with the lone surviving heroine running for her life and eventually confronting the killer. It's a sloppy piecemeal effort that was rushed into production. Still, it is notable as it is the first appearance of the grown-up Jason Voorhees even if he isn't sporting the trademark hockey mask and is, instead, wearing a bag over his head with a hole in it.[/left]
[left]While not great, the movie isn't that bad either. Sure, the atmosphere and shock of the first movie is absent, the ending is confusing, and the body count is the lowest in the entire series, but Friday the 13th, Part II is a worthy second go at a cash cow even if it is critically lambasted.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Aw, who am I kidding? They're all critically lambasted anyway and I'm being generous here.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th Part 3: 3-D[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]
[size=5][/size]
[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday3.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[left]During the brief 3-D renaissance of the 1980's, it was decided that the next Friday the 13th outing should use the resurrected technology. Therefore, Friday the Thirteenth Part III: 3-D was born and would go on to become the most successful 3-D movie ever made. This time, Jason would be slicing his way right through the screen.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Donning his trademark hockey mask for the first time, Jason has somehow survived getting hit in the head with a machete in Part II and goes on to kill even more sexually deviant teens at yet another camp inconveniently situated on Crystal Lake.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]I would kill... well, not literally, to see this movie in 3-D. There's all kinds of interesting tricks I would love to see the way they were meant to be seen and not on a rinky dink 2-D television set. Now, most of the effects that are supposed to make you jump have no effect at all.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Overall, despite its success at the box office, Friday the Thirteenth Part III: 3-D is a pretty bad movie helped by a cool gimmick. Nowadays, however, the gimmick is gone and the movie just blows.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Bad script, bad acting, terrible direction, and to top all this off, the movie[/left]
[left]moves at a snail's pace up until the last twenty minutes when things finally start popping.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Speaking of popping, there is a cool death scene where a guy's eyeball pops out of his head towards the camera. That would have been awesome to see in 3-D.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Well, until Paramount finally gets off their butts and issue a 3-D DVD, Part III is doomed to be remembered as one of Jason's more boring bloodbaths.[/left]

[center][size=5][/size] [/center]
[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th: THE FINAL CHAPTER[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday4.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday4a.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]
[left]It's 1984. The USA is winning the summer Olympics, Reaganomics is in full swing, and Jason Voorhees is about to meet his match in the form of a young Corey Feldman.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]And you thought Boba Fett's death was embarrassing?[/left]
[left] [/left]
[left]Yep, it was decided that Jason would finally bite the big one and that he would go out with a bang.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The story opens with Jason being wheeled into a morgue having suffered a slight case of death in the last movie. Well, he gets better, kills a bunch of people, and high tails it to Crystal Lake where (Shock, Surprise, and gasp!) a brand new flock of horny teenagers have arrived at a couple of houses all ready to be slaughtered and everything. Add to the mix, a young man out to avenge the death of his sister at Jason's hands and you know it's going to be a long night.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Despite my good-hearted jabs at this movie, it's really quite good, gory, and shocking... especially during the movie's last few minutes when Jason meets his end.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Perhaps it's just because Part III is so bad, it makes The Final Chapter look good by comparison or maybe it's just that the movie really is good, not only on a horror level, but also on a suspenseful and, yes, tragic level as the end of the movie sees not only a pillar of the slasher genre dead, but also shatters the youthful innocence of young kid Tommy Jarvis, played by Corey Feldman.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]It has its problems, but it's one of the better entries into the series despite the fact that the "final chapter" moniker has been laughed at during the following six films.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]But, hey... who knew?[/left]

[center] [/center]
[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday5.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[left]The Jason is dead. Long live the Jason![/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Arguably... or, I guess I should say inarguably since very few Friday the Thirteenth fans will disagree with me, this is the worst movie of the whole series suffering from a copycat killer and a lack of the original and true Jason.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The movie kicks off with a much older (and different) Tommy Jarvis being sent to a halfway home for troubled teens. As it turns out, having his mother and friends hacked to death by a whacko in a hockey mask had a negative effect on the boy and now, suffering from dementia and depression, Tommy is struggling to put his life back into order.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The movie plays like an old episode of Scooby-Doo as the characters try to figure out who-done-it before he does it to them. By the end, the movie is tired and boring even with the elements of black humor being injected into the series.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]True, the body count is high and the gore is impressive, but the characters suck and you're actually rooting for the lame Jason impostor to finish them off so you don't have to watch them anymore.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]By the final frame, you're groaning as the movie reaches its ultimate and predictable conclusion. Thankfully, it was ignored as Part VI came along.[/left]

Friday the 13th - The Final Chapter

Happy Friday the 13th!

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday1.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/kevinbaconinfridaythe13th.jpg[/img][/center]

The first of the Friday the 13th movies is unusual in that Jason only appears for a couple of seconds and in a form we don't expect him in. No, in the first movie, there is another killer all together... an assassin hunting the counselors at Camp Crystal Lake.

This movie was a surprise hit, to be sure... pushing this modest slasher movie into the top twenty of the year. It had all the classic staples of a horror movie... isolated setting, eerie location, and an abundance of suspense and mystery of who the killer actually was.

It turns out that in 1958, two Crystal Lake camp counselors were murdered just before they hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing. Flash foreward twelve years to 1980, and we see that the camp is about to reopen with a fresh new lot of camp counselors who soon begin to die of horrible and pointy deaths until there is only one left.

Sure, the original Friday the 13th is tame by today's standards thanks to copycats and rip-offs over the last two decades, but at the time it was released, the slasher movie was in its infancy with John Carpenter's Halloween. No matter how lame some of the gore may look by today's standards (in fact, it's the least gory of the series), Friday the 13th left its audiences squirming at the stuff we desensitized folks yawn at today.
Yeah, it was a simple movie with a simple plot, but extras like the make up effects and shocking on-screen deaths elevated this slasher film above its ilk. Hey, it spawned nine sequels so you know it was doing something right. This movie is a classic. Live with it... or, in the spirit of the movie... don't live with it.

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2[/size][/center]
[center][size=5][/size] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday2.jpg[/img][/center]
[center] [/center]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/friday2-1.jpg[/img][/center]

[left]Following on the heels of the surprise hit of Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th, Part 2 finally introduced the man that would be pulping horny teen-agers for the next two decades.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Picking up where the first movie left off, Part II opens with the brutal slaying of the heroine from the first movie and her poor unsuspecting sap of a boyfriend. From there, it's painfully obvious that there is a new killer on the block picking up from where Mama Voorhees left off. But can it be possible? Can Jason actually have survived his supposed drowning only to live life as a hermit and come back a stark raving mad killing machine? Well, the camp counselor trainees at a nearby camp on Crystal Lake are about to find out as the Friday the Thirteenth body count continues.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]To be honest, this movie isn't that great. Mostly, it boils down to a retread of the first movie with the lone surviving heroine running for her life and eventually confronting the killer. It's a sloppy piecemeal effort that was rushed into production. Still, it is notable as it is the first appearance of the grown-up Jason Voorhees even if he isn't sporting the trademark hockey mask and is, instead, wearing a bag over his head with a hole in it.[/left]
[left]While not great, the movie isn't that bad either. Sure, the atmosphere and shock of the first movie is absent, the ending is confusing, and the body count is the lowest in the entire series, but Friday the 13th, Part II is a worthy second go at a cash cow even if it is critically lambasted.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Aw, who am I kidding? They're all critically lambasted anyway and I'm being generous here.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th Part 3: 3-D[/size][/center]
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[left]During the brief 3-D renaissance of the 1980's, it was decided that the next Friday the 13th outing should use the resurrected technology. Therefore, Friday the Thirteenth Part III: 3-D was born and would go on to become the most successful 3-D movie ever made. This time, Jason would be slicing his way right through the screen.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Donning his trademark hockey mask for the first time, Jason has somehow survived getting hit in the head with a machete in Part II and goes on to kill even more sexually deviant teens at yet another camp inconveniently situated on Crystal Lake.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]I would kill... well, not literally, to see this movie in 3-D. There's all kinds of interesting tricks I would love to see the way they were meant to be seen and not on a rinky dink 2-D television set. Now, most of the effects that are supposed to make you jump have no effect at all.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Overall, despite its success at the box office, Friday the Thirteenth Part III: 3-D is a pretty bad movie helped by a cool gimmick. Nowadays, however, the gimmick is gone and the movie just blows.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Bad script, bad acting, terrible direction, and to top all this off, the movie[/left]
[left]moves at a snail's pace up until the last twenty minutes when things finally start popping.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Speaking of popping, there is a cool death scene where a guy's eyeball pops out of his head towards the camera. That would have been awesome to see in 3-D.[/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Well, until Paramount finally gets off their butts and issue a 3-D DVD, Part III is doomed to be remembered as one of Jason's more boring bloodbaths.[/left]

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[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th: THE FINAL CHAPTER[/size][/center]
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[left]It's 1984. The USA is winning the summer Olympics, Reaganomics is in full swing, and Jason Voorhees is about to meet his match in the form of a young Corey Feldman.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]And you thought Boba Fett's death was embarrassing?[/left]
[left] [/left]
[left]Yep, it was decided that Jason would finally bite the big one and that he would go out with a bang.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The story opens with Jason being wheeled into a morgue having suffered a slight case of death in the last movie. Well, he gets better, kills a bunch of people, and high tails it to Crystal Lake where (Shock, Surprise, and gasp!) a brand new flock of horny teenagers have arrived at a couple of houses all ready to be slaughtered and everything. Add to the mix, a young man out to avenge the death of his sister at Jason's hands and you know it's going to be a long night.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Despite my good-hearted jabs at this movie, it's really quite good, gory, and shocking... especially during the movie's last few minutes when Jason meets his end.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Perhaps it's just because Part III is so bad, it makes The Final Chapter look good by comparison or maybe it's just that the movie really is good, not only on a horror level, but also on a suspenseful and, yes, tragic level as the end of the movie sees not only a pillar of the slasher genre dead, but also shatters the youthful innocence of young kid Tommy Jarvis, played by Corey Feldman.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]It has its problems, but it's one of the better entries into the series despite the fact that the "final chapter" moniker has been laughed at during the following six films.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]But, hey... who knew?[/left]

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[center][size=5]FRIDAY THE 13th PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING[/size][/center]
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[left]The Jason is dead. Long live the Jason![/left]
[left] [/left]

[left]Arguably... or, I guess I should say inarguably since very few Friday the Thirteenth fans will disagree with me, this is the worst movie of the whole series suffering from a copycat killer and a lack of the original and true Jason.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The movie kicks off with a much older (and different) Tommy Jarvis being sent to a halfway home for troubled teens. As it turns out, having his mother and friends hacked to death by a whacko in a hockey mask had a negative effect on the boy and now, suffering from dementia and depression, Tommy is struggling to put his life back into order.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]The movie plays like an old episode of Scooby-Doo as the characters try to figure out who-done-it before he does it to them. By the end, the movie is tired and boring even with the elements of black humor being injected into the series.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]True, the body count is high and the gore is impressive, but the characters suck and you're actually rooting for the lame Jason impostor to finish them off so you don't have to watch them anymore.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]By the final frame, you're groaning as the movie reaches its ultimate and predictable conclusion. Thankfully, it was ignored as Part VI came along.[/left]

American Pie
American Pie(1999)
½

More old reviews from my website. This review is one of my earlier ones and it's not that good, but fuck it... I'm posting it anyway.

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[center][size=5]AMERICAN PIE[/size][/center]

If you're a guy, most likely you weren't thinking with your brain during those years in high school when you were ruled primarily by your hormones and all you could think of was getting laid. I know I was.

Well, I'm a little older and wiser... okay, older at least... so I can reminisce about those turbulent years when "Mr. Happy" basically told me what to do twenty-four/seven, and I can appreciate the simple genius behind the outrageously sick, but hilariously funny American Pie... the quest to get a piece... uh... of the pie... so to speak.

Following in the same comic road as Porky's and other teenage sex comedies, American Pie follows four friends who make a secret pact to loose their virginity before graduation. Of course, this being a comedy, all sorts of hilarious predicaments follow - my pick as my favorite is a strip tease on the internet - that basically humiliate them and makes the audience roll in the aisle.

Political correctness? It ain't no where to be seen in this flick and I didn't miss it. There's sick gags about drinking bodily discharges, lots of basic potty humor, and frank talk about teen sex that seems to capture (and infinity embellish, of course) the turbulent high school sex-crazy years.
Aside from being shamelessly funny, American Pie also has some great writing, character growth, and an honest-to-god message that sex isn't the most important thing in life.

Why didn't this movie come out when I was in high school!? I could have really used that information!

American Outlaws

Continuing my posting off all my reviews from my website one per day (which should keep me busy until sometime in 2006), here's my review of the film, American Outlaws!

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[center][b][size=5]AMERICAN OUTLAWS[/size][/b][/center]


I would like to know exactly when Jesse James became classified as a teenybopper by Hollywood. More than that, I want to know which big shot movie executive made the decision that Jesse James was a teenybopper so that, not only can I be responsible for his torture and death, but the torture and death of his family and all he or she cares about.
[i]American Outlaws[/i] is bad. I'm talking [i]Wild Wild West[/i] bad. I'm talking [i]Wing Commander[/i] bad. This movie is so bad, it plays like a bad Saturday Night Live sketch. Let me tell you, there's nothing sadder than a funny movie that isn't supposed to be funny. This is the kind of movie you laugh at, not with.

Just when I'm starting to get a little hope for this horrible movie year, this movie comes along and kicks my nuts. This movie is like [i]American Pie[/i] set out in the old west. It's like a music video western by MTV made for attention deficit retards. This is like a Teen Beat photo shoot with a western theme. This movie is like a root canal without the Novocain.

The cast is made up of Colin Farrell who plays young Jesse James. Apparently, he made a big critical splash with a movie called [i]Tigerland[/i], but I never saw it so fuck him. If he has the presence of mind to appear in a piece of crap like this, he can't be very talented. Scott Caan is also in this movie. This guy has been in a lot of bad movies, but at least I didn't have to look at his ass this time around. You'd think he'd go to a plastic surgeon and get him to look at that horribly disproportionent neck and tiny head he's got. I mean, come on... the kid's deformed! American Outlaws also stars the weakest James Bond ever, Timothy Dalton who has about as much place playing a bad guy as Jeremy Irons had in Dungeons & Dragons. I didn't recognize anyone else, but believe me... they all suck. This entire movie sucked. I hated it! I hated it! I hated it!

Skip this movie, it's awful! Unless you're into watching young boys in tight jeans, hollow action, and a movie that's so ridiculous it's amazing that it didn't go into a "Dude, where's my horse?" bit, you will not like this movie. People need to be shot over this movie... it's just that bad.

The Others
The Others(2001)

You may call me crazy, but my wife was a witness and, if I'm nuts, she is too.

The little woman andI were talking in the bedroom last night when, all of the sudden, the dogs started going wild. Now, normally with four hyperactive doggies, this is not an uncommon event. Things started getting strange when they just wouldn't stop. My little chihuahua, Zoe, was having a fit like there was a stranger in the house or something.

This went on for a few minutes. Amy and I tried to tune the dogs out and get back to our conversation when I hushed her. There were footsteps in the house! We lay there quietly for a moment to make sure we heard what we thought we'd heard and that's when we heard something even more our of place... a woman's voice speaking. We couldn't hear what was being said, but it was an elderly voice none the less coming from the other end of the house.

I jumped out of bed and headed for the living room. We live across the street from a home for special needs people where my wife works and I thought maybe one of them had gotten out and into our home. I got to the living room where the dogs were still barking. However, they weren't barking at the door, but rather my office in the back.

I went to the office and saw...

...nothing. Not a damn thing.

There wasn't a soul in the room except my Guinea Pig, Roguey-Pie Fuzzybutt, who was huddled in the corner of her cage like she does when someone comes near her. But I had just gotten into the room. What spooked her?

Needless to say, this little unexplained event sort of rattled me and my wife. Even now as I sit in my office typing up this journal entry, the dogs are still disturbed, Roguey-Pie is still huddled in the corner, and even I have to look over my shoulder every now and then to make sure I'm not being watched.

I'd heard from the people who lived here before me that the house had a ghost, but in the two years I've lived here this is my first incident with her.

Hopefully, it's my last because if I actually see anything, I'm going to shit my pants.



Oh... The Others with Nichole Kidman. Great friggin' movie, by the way. It starts slow... but, beleive me, it builds.

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American History X

Plodding alphebetically through my old reviews until I can afford to see something new, we have American History X. Now, this was one of my older reviews and, so, it basically sucks and I won't post it here. Instead, I'll just write up a short brand new and probably equally sucky review.

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AMERICAN HISTORY X

I didn't care for this movie just like I don't care for most movies that have a message and hit you upside the head with it for two hours with all the subtlety of a landslide. Edward Norton and Avery Brooks are awesome in this movie, but Edward Furlong isn't. The movie is shocking and hard to watch with a couple of pretty cringing scenes that'll stay with you forever, but I just didn't care for it. Maybe it's because the message of the movie was a given to me or that the movie was just inevitably plotted.

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Alien Resurrection

Still going through my old reviews alphebetically, here's the shitty review of Alien Ressurection!

[center][b]ALIEN RESSURECTION[/b][/center]

Well, let's just say that I know firmly believe that the Alien movies should be officially put to bed and never touched again.

In the forth of the series, [i]Alien Resurrection[/i], Ripley the Vampire Slayer is cloned by the military two-hundred years after her death in [i]Alien³[/i] along with the nasty little alien that was gestating inside of her. While the new Ripley, who now has heightened instincts and abilities thanks to the alien, grapples with who she is, a pirate ship docks with the military ship carrying Winona Ryder and Ron Pearlman (Vincent of TV's [i]Beauty and the Beast[/i]) and a few other uninteresting bad guys and, as the captive aliens breed and escape, all sorts of riots and mayhem take place.

[i]Alien Resurrection[/i] was not scary, and was only slightly entertaining. It seems the creators have forgotten that a few scares in a movie is more effective than a scare every five minutes. Also, the creators have forgotten that showing the alien outright is not as effective as only showing bits and pieces as in the highly entertaining Alien and Aliens.

The best and, (believe it or not), the scariest element of Alien Resurrection was Sigourney Weaver's portrayal of an alienesque Ripley who doesn't give a rip about humanity anymore. A commendable performance in an otherwise bland movie.

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Lost In Translation
½

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So, my mom blind buys Lost in Translation the other day, hates it, and then gives it to me. I give this bad boy a spin and liked it... didn't love it... but I liked it.

Bill Murray does give a great performance in this movie... probably the best of his career and he and Scarlette Johansson work very well together in this sometimes sweet, sometimes funny, and sometimes poignant story of two people who can't connect with a culture, but can connect with themselves.

There is a self-important and pretentious air about the movie that turned me off. I mean, there's something to be said about a two hour movie that can be told in thirty minutes that will hold your attention, but Lost in Translation has a hard time doing it. Still, on the whole I liked it. Can't say I loved it, but I liked it.

A.I. Artificial Intelligence
½

Alphebetically oving down the list of reviews I've posted on my website, we come to [i]A.I.: Artificial Intelligence[/i]. This isn't one of my best-written reviews, but fuck it... I'm lazy.

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This is this site's 500th review. I knew that the 500th review was coming up and I wanted to be a movie that at least looked half-ass decent. None of that Laura Croft or Mummy crap, I wanted a movie that was going to have some meat to it or at least a movie that looked like it was going to have some meat on it.

Well, it's little wonder why I chose A.I.: Artificial Intelligence over Pootie Tang and Baby Boy. For one thing, Haley Joel Osmet is in it and I think this kid is awesome. It's directed by Steven Spielberg who, despite a few slip ups over the last few years, is still one of Hollywood's best directors. Finally, it was nurtured by movie master Stanley Kubrik before that bastard we all know as death laid claim to him.

Simply put, A.I. is a movie that grabs you at the beginning and holds your attention to the end with it's high-tech re-telling of Pinocchio and theme: To be truly alive, you must be loved. This is one of those life-affirming movies that just makes you feel good.

Osmet's great. Damn, this kid is awesome. The entire weight of the movie is hefted on his little shoulders and he carries it like a seasoned professional. I would love to see what this guy's going to be doing in a few years. When you watching this movie, check out the kid's eyes... he never blinks! Ever! It's creepy, but it really adds to the illusion that he's a robot.

A.I. definitely feels more like a Kubrick movie than a Speilburg movie, even if you can feel Speilburg's goody-goody touch on things. For example, during the movie's opening sequence, William Hurt orders a female robot to undress, but tells her to stop before she takes off her top. If Kubrick had directed, we would have seen some titty.

Still, I've got to give credit where credit is due. Speilburg is a damn genius. The ad campaign for A.I. is more brilliant than the campaign for The Blair Witch Project or Batman, with it's clues and payoffs hidden in print ads and the commercials and trailers... all while keeping the movie itself a secret! God bless you, Steven Speilburg! You are the man!

As far as the movie itself goes, I don't think that it ever reaches it's true potential and, yes, the ending was a bit of a stretch, but all of that doesn't matter in the long run since it's captivating and thought provoking... Besides, a little extra suspension of disbelief never hurt nobody. I think that A.I. accomplishes what it set out to do and that was to question what it is to love and be loved... what it is to find our place in the world and what it is to want something so badly, that it consumes your every thought. I loved this movie and would like to see it again.

The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle

I still haven't seen a movie and, being flat broke, I probably won't until mid-month. Until then, I'm posting old reviews from my website from A to Z and today we come to The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. I loved this movie when I first saw it and still do. Eat that, you fuckers!

[center][size=5]THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE[/size][/center]

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Ah, to be a kid again and to revel in the harmless fun of the old Rocky and Bullwinkle show. Well, that show has been canceled for about 35 years now and that, my friends, is the main story hook to the moose and squirrel's big screen debut in The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, where those two hapless cartoon stars of yesteryear are yanked from the monotony of reruns and into the dangerous domain of the real world to stop Boris, Natasha, and Fearless Leader from taking over the world by forcing them to watch really bad television.

Rocky and Bullwinkle are back and better than ever as they battle Fearless Leader, Boris, and Natasha in The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle!

Too bad UPN thought of it first... but I digress.
In The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, Rocky and Bullwinkle are rendered into impressive looking fully three-dimensional characters which interact seamlessly with their real live counterparts. Jason Alexander and Rene Russo are perfect as Boris and Natasha and, in a sheer stroke of genius, Robert DeNiro plays Fearless Leader even going so far as to parody his famous "Are you talkin' to me?" line in Taxi Driver. Robert DeNiro, I salute you!

This movie is like an acid flashback to childhood as Rocky and Bullwinkle are forced to deal with strange and mysterious things like the internet, fax machines, and hip hop. Add to that tons and tons of shameless star cameos from Janine Garafalo to Jonathan Winters, to John Goodman, to Whoopie Goldburg and you've got yourself a good time for the young and the old.

Sure, the movie is full of bad puns, hackneyed dialogue, and awful jokes (which were really a staple of the old Rocky and Bullwinkle show), but the situation is so innocent and lighthearted that you eventually have no choice but to embrace and love it like you did when you were a kid. This off the wall road trip is best movie of it's kind since Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

The Adventures of Pluto Nash

[font=Arial]We're still in the "A" section and, mother of God... this next selection from my website is a fucking doozy.[/font]


[center][b][font=Arial][size=6][color=sienna]THE ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH[/color][/size][/font][/b][/center]


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Every now and then, a movie comes along that tantalizes your senses, tickles your funnybone, and stays with you for the rest of your days. A movie that defines a generation and wins tons and tons of awards for its wit, its profoundness, and its heart.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash is not one of those movies.

God, GOD! This movie sticks on ice.

Eddie Murphy plays the title character, a man who owns a nightclub on the moon in the far future who is being pressured to sell his club to lunar gangsters so they can turn it into a casino. I guess it?s fitting that this movie takes place on the moon since both are so vacuous.

This movie is about as fun as three months of math camp, about as funny as as watching a kid in a wheelchair get hit by a car, and if you?re stupid enough to spend eight bucks to see this horrible thing, you should immediately loose your right to vote.

It?s just incomprehensible how a movie this bad could be made in the first place. I mean, didn?t anyone see any red flags with this thing sometime during its development?

Boy, this movie is rank. Comparing it to any other bad movie would be doing the other bad movie a severe injustice and I would probably get sued for libel if I did.

Let?s just say that The Adventures of Pluto Nash deserved to loose every penny of the 90 million it lost on its disastrous opening weekend.

I?ve got to stop going to these kind of movies just to see if they?re as bad as everyone says they are.

Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights

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Since I haven't seen a movie today, I've decided to go down the alphebetical list of films I've reviewed during the last seven years on my website. Starting with A, let's talk about Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights.

Holy shitbuckets! I remember seeing this turd in theaters and thinking it would never end! Adam Sandler voices his cartoon avatar... the proverbial Jew who stole Christmas. Sandler plays Davey, a 33 year old sociopath who hates Christmas, Hanukah, everyone, and himself. Generally, he's not a pleasant fellow to be sure, but after one particularly psychotic episode and musical number (it's a musical, by the way), he finds himself in front of a judge and seconds away from having to serve prison time.

That is until a diminutive white-haired old man named Whitey steps in and offers the chance for Davey to serve parole coaching little league basketball. A battle of wits (or lack of) ensues, there's poop jokes, fart jokes, general immature humor, and then it's all topped off with a horsecrap happy ending that somehow affirms the holiday spirit.

Not only is this movie unfunny, not only does it try to be a big animated musical like [color=yellow][i]South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut[/i] and[/color] fail miserably, and not only is it just pointless and fake as the snow on a K-Mart Christmas tree, but the whole thing smacks of vanity. It's almost as if Adam Sandler burst into the Columbia offices one day and said, "Hey guys, I want to be in a cartoon and do all the voices! Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy play fifteen characters a movie, why can't I?"

Hey, if you don't believe this movie was done to stroke Adam Sandler's vanity, check out how buff the animators made him in the basketball sequence and then tell me with a straight face that wasn't vanity.

And annoying... My God, if you ever thought there couldn't be a movie character more annoying than Jar Jar Binks, then let me introduce you to Whitey Duvall. With his squeaky, hard to understand voice that sounds like a cat scraping its claws across a chalkboard while getting crushed between the gears of a combine (a voice also provided by Sandler) I was actually rooting for the sociopath Davey to hit him in the back of the head with a shovel to him him out of his misery and out of mine

[i]Eight Crazy Nights[/i] is two horrible hours of bad jokes, terrible songs, and Sandler whacking himself off over his cartoonish avatar. It tries to be [i]South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut[/i], yet it's not funny, not clever, and not even watchable. This is probably the worst animated movie I've seen since I was unfortunate enough to watch the Hercules and Xena movie and at least THAT had unintentional laughs.

Skip this one and avoid it like the plague. You need to spend eight bucks on this movie like you need to swallow thumbtacks. The best part is when the end credits roll (No, I'm really not kidding... that's when you hear the new version of [i]The Hanukah Song[/i] which is about the only real funny this movie has to offer).

Hocus Pocus
Hocus Pocus(1993)
½

While going through the normally shitty $9.99 DVD piles at Sam Goody, I came across a copy of the Witch comedy, Hocus Pocus. I loved this movie when I was younger so I picked it up and watched it again. It hasn't escaped the last 11 years completely unscathed by time, but I still think it's a cute, goofy, and mostly harmless little movie aimed right at kids, but funny enough to keep adults entertained. Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Nijimy are awsome as the witches and obviously have a great time making the movie. Plus, if that's not enough, this movie contains some of Pixar's earliest CGI work and a young Thora Birch. Check it out!

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Out of Time
Out of Time(2003)

Today, we look at my review of the Denzel Washington movie, [url="http://http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/O/out_of_time.htm"][i]Out of Time[/i][/url]... the movie that proves you just can't root for a character who is a complete nimrod. Read the [url="http://http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/O/out_of_time.htm"]review[/url] now, jackass!

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Star Trek VI - The Undiscovered Country
½

I picked up the special edition DVD for Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country and sat down last night to watch the final voyage of the original crew of the Enterprise.

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The universe stands at a crossroad. The Klingons, the long-time nemesis' of the Federation, have suffered an enviromental disaster and will die out in less than 50 years. Instead of standing by and waiting for the lobster-heads to die, Starfleet instead initiates a peace process and picks a reluctant Captain Kirk to head it up... however, not every appears to want peace and soon, Kirk and McCoy are accused of assassinating the Klingon Chancellor and the peace talks are in danger of sabotage from both sides.

When talking about the best Star Trek movies, this one hardly ever makes it into the conversation. It's a shame, too, because it's probably one of the best made Star Trek movies ever. Shatner and Christopher Plummer chew scenery reciting everything from Arthur Conan Doyle to Shakespeare, there is a great script, a lot of philosophizing, an awesome space battle, and a sense of finality that ties up the history of the original crew nicely.

This is probably even one of the best to watch if you're not a Star Trek fan. The Enterprise had taken on a more military and professional feel, and even the humor placed in the script isn't awkward and embarassing as it was in Star Trek V.

Highly recommended!


Oh, and as promised... Here's my review of [url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/B/butterfly_effect.htm"]The Butterfly Effect[/url].

Jeepers Creepers 2

Hey! Hey, look here! It's my super-happy alarm clock fun time bananna hour review of [url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/J/jeepers_creepers_2.htm"]Jeepers Creepers 2[/url]!

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Paycheck
Paycheck(2003)
½

Look! Look! It's a review of [url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/P/paycheck.htm"]Paycheck[/url]! Read it, jerkface!

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/P/images/paycheck.jpg[/img]

The Butterfly Effect

Despite watching Ashton Kutcher trash and flail around in a movie role that was, quite frankly, too big and mature for him to handle, I really liked this trippy time-travel movie despite its puss-out ending. I'll be posting a full review of The Butterfly Effect later, but for now... biggest suprise of 2004. Of course, this is the only 2004 release I've seen, so that's not saying much.

Still, I highly reccomend this for fans of time travel and alternate universes.

[center][img]http://www.butterflyeffectmovie.com/photogallery3/image/3.jpg[/img][/center]

Ashton still sucks ass as an actor, though. Second only to Paul Walker as the worst actor working today.

Big Fish
Big Fish(2003)

Today, it's Big Fish!

Read the full review [url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/B/big_fish.htm"]here[/url]!

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/B/images/big-fish.jpg[/img]

Also, I just have to say that [i]My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance[/i] has got to be the funniest show on television. If you haven't watched it yet, watch it!

Queer as Folk - The Complete First Season

At the behest of my wife, last night I went out and got a pedicure. Apparently, my feet were very nasty so she and I went to this nail place and they worked on my toenails, put lotion on my tootsies, and then took a cheese-grater thing to the hunks of dead skin hanging on the sides of my feet. I can't say I enjoyed that... the cheese grater thing really freaked me out and now my feet are so sensitive that even the movement of the sock inside my show makes me cringe but, hey... it was a new experience even if it did make me feel a little gay.

And, speaking of a little gay... This got me thinking about Queer as Folk on Showtime.

According to this show, gay people leap from bed to bed and do nothing but think about sex. I know several gay people... and that's not at all true.

I'm not a huge fan of this show, since it seems to be like the other Minstrel Shows... Uh, I mean gay shows on the air like Will & Grace and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. If you think these shows are bringing society one step closer to acceptance of gay culture, you're an idiot. These shows make us laugh at gays, not with them.

Anytime I hear someone say that the gay scene in the movies and TV are a step foreward on the gay liberation front, I just want to smack them in the face for being stupid. Only one TV show ever understood this too... South Park where all the men became Metrosexuals, but freaked out when they thought their sons were really turning gay.

Stark Raving Mad

So, I see this movie yesterday called Stark Raving Mad, a direct-to-video heist movie starring Stifler himself, Seann William Scott. Hey, it's direct-to-video, so I expected something pretty lousy.

[img]http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000VCZKC.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg[/img]

Not so! This is probably the best DTV movie I've ever seen. If Seann William Scott wants to break out of the goofy pidgeonhole he's found himself in, this is the way to go. Give up trying to be an action star, Seann! It's not you! This movie is!

In Stark Raving Mad, Scott leads a group of bank robbers in stealing a statue from a bank by throwing a huge rave next door as a diversion (you see, the vibrations from the crowds and the loud music short-circuts the alarms. Get it?). This movie is hellacool... it's got a great style, great story, and lots of great gags and characters.

I'll be writing a review sometime when I get my lazy ass in gear, but mark my words! This movie rocks!

Jaws
Jaws(1975)

Glofish are the result of genetic engineering... a Godless and unethic attempt by man to alter a poor defensless species of fish. So dangerous, in fact, that the sale of them have been blocked in California. So, of course... I wanted some.

[img]http://i.cnn.net/cnn/2003/TECH/science/12/04/fluorescent.fish.ap/story.fish.ap.jpg[/img]

Yes, gaze upon the evil incarnation of genetic engineering... Glofish! (THUNDERCLAP!!!) The result of adding bioluminessent coral DNA to zebrafish to make them glow under a blacklight. Now, undoubtedly, California believed that these little 3/4 of an inch fish are a threat to wildlife and human life as well since, if they got into the waterways of California, they might multiply and, if a human were to eat one, he or she could be poisoned. Well, I find it hard to beleive that anyone would fry up one of these miniscule fishies and, if they did get loose in waterways they wouldn't last long because they're small and they glow and bigger fish see that as a flashing neon sign that says EAT ME!!!

Of course, the California Government still sees these fish as a threat... but, then again... they are the same people who let Arnold Swartzenagger unlawfully become the governer.

At least the FDA has the good sense to stay out of it, saying that the modified zebra fish shouldn't be regulated because they're not food and not dangerous because, after all... who in their right mind would eat one?

Or, perhaps... that's the kind of faith California has placed in her own people?

I bought two of these little glofish and they're happily residing in my freshwater tank along with two glassfish and a goldfish. As far as I know, they two have no plans to spawn, murder me in my sleep, or take over the world... That I know of, at least.

[img]http://radio.weblogs.com/0105910/images/glofish.jpg[/img]

Survivor - Season 2: The Greatest and Most Outrageous Moments
½

Survivor is cheap, exploitative entertainment... and I want in on it. I was walking through the building that is laughably called a mall here in San Angelo when I someone grabbed me by the arm and asked me if I would try out for Survivor. Sure enough, there was an audition going on in an abandoned store a few feet away. I thought, "Oh, what the hell?" and proceeded to fill out the ten page application that wanted to know everything about me from my mental history to my allergies, to my blood type, wants, needs, fears, desires, and penis size. Then, I went to make my audition tape. The guy running the camera asked me, "Why do you want to be on Survivor?" I looked at him and said, "The money, you dumbass. You think I'd let myself get stranded out in the middle of nowhere for the fame, or the experience, or the comradere?"

San Angelo is apparently a big Survivor town. One of the towns in America that delivers the largest ratings. Therefore, two Survivors... Colby from Survivor: Austrailia and Rubert from Survivor: Pearl Islands both lived in the area for a while and attended Angelo State University. Of course, if i get on the show, I'll be the only Survivor from this area who actually finished ASU.

Also, I gotta say... Colby Donaldson is a really nice guy. I met him when I broke the record for radio broadcasting back in '02, and he was sincere and very kind with his time. Just had to say that.

So, will I be the next contestant on Survivor? Probably not... I think I would rather suck at it, but man... I'd be memorable, that's for sure.

Charlie's Angels - Full Throttle
½

In case you missed it, be sure to check out my completely chauvanistic salute to the [url="http://www.rottentomatoes.com/vine/showthread.php?t=303433&page=1&pp=40"]ten best sets of breasts of 2003[/url]!


[img]http://www.rottentomatoes.com/vine/attachment.php?attachmentid=30828&stc=1[/img]

[img]http://www.rottentomatoes.com/vine/attachment.php?attachmentid=30833&stc=1[/img]

[img]http://www.rottentomatoes.com/vine/attachment.php?attachmentid=30834&stc=1[/img]

[img]http://www.rottentomatoes.com/vine/attachment.php?attachmentid=30826&stc=1[/img]

Freddy vs. Jason

I had a thought today...

NARRATOR: Coming to theaters this Summer, it's the epic clash of two horror titans! FREDDY PRINZE JR. vs. JASON PREISTLEY!

(Jason Preistley and Freddy Prinze jr. are having a sissy slap fight with each other)

NARRATOR: No matter who wins... WE LOOSE!!!

28 Days Later

Well, today marks one month of married bliss and my lovely wife hasn't divorced me yet. Yay!

The Princess Diaries

Being that I am now married to one of them women folk, I find that I am am watching more and more chick flicks than I used to. I still hate them, but if I want sex later... I have to watch them.

Still, every now and again, I'm suprised by one that I like. Case in point... The Princess Diaries, the story of an everyday slobby little girl finding out that she's the princess of Buttslyvania and getting lessons in being a princess and a person along the way and crap.

I really liked this movie. It was sweet, it was interesting, and it was just funny without being overly dirty.

Damn it, that's one I like. In a year, I'll be liking all sorts of estrogen-laden films about periods and menstration.

Look Who's Talking

My wife took a pregancy test today. It turned out negative, but it kind of freaked me out. Not only did it wake me up to the idea that my wife and I [i]can[/i] have a baby, but it also freaked me out because, when we thought she was pregnant, I [i]wanted[/i] it to be a positive. I [i]wanted[/i] to have a baby.

Well, no baby... for now. We've just decided to let nature take its course and let God bless us when he's good and ready.

Still, it got me thinking about the Look Who's Talking movies. The first one was cute, but upon watching it again... it's very blase and corny. Nothing special... which makes me wonder why everyone was talking about it so damned much when it first came out.

Zoolander
Zoolander(2001)

Yep, I've been neglecting [i]The Donner's Hellacool Journal[/i] lately, but damn... nothing is happening right now! I did get my wife to sit down and watch a couple of movies... one of which was [i]Zoolander[/i], which I consider a very smart comedy masqerading as a very dumb one. Here's my review from way back when...

ZOOLANDER

There are times I go into a movie with low expectations and come out surprised and [i]Zoolander[/i] was one of those times. No, I take that back... I didn't just go into this movie with low expectations, my expectations of this movie were down there along with my expectations of [i]Max Keeble's Big Move[/i] and [i]Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV[/i]. My expectations were so low, I think Satan stepped on them.

[i][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/Z/images/zoolander.jpg[/img]Zoolander[/i]'s a slick comedy starring Ben Stiller, Jerry Stiller, and Ben Stiller's wife, what's her face. It also stars Owen Wilson, Will Farrel, and has a ton of cameos by the likes of Billy Zane, Gary Shandling, and Fabio. The movie's title character is a self obsessed male model (What? You mean there's another kind?) who's career is slowly winding down. Well, instead of his agent sending him out to pasture, he recruits him into a program of brainwashing that will lead him to assassinate the Prime Minister of Malaysia who has begun sweeping reforms in his country to wipe out child labor and, thus, cripple the fashion industry.

Despite it's loony plot and characters - or perhaps because of them - [i]Zoolander[/i] is a consistent comedy. While never reaching the laugh out loud quality of [i][color=#0000ff]Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back[/color] [/i]or [i][color=#0000ff]Rat Race[/color][/i], it's a movie that will having you chucking at rampant stupidity one minute, and then laughing at a slick smart joke the next.


Plus, you've got to love a movie that pokes fun at an industry so full of itself that designers make clothes that no one in their right mind would ever buy and hires models that aren't even good looking. I mean, seriously... do you ever look at some of those models? They're downright nasty in some cases!



The only thing in this movie that pissed me off was the highly noticeable removal of the World Trade Center from the skyline shots of New York City. Great going guys. In trying to be oversensitive, you did with computers what the terrorists did with airplanes. Nice. Real nice. Oh well, far be it from me to pan a movie over the brainless decision of an out-of-touch movie exec

B+


Amy said she lost brain cells.

Also, I got Rebel Strike for Christmas and, whoa... did they fuck up THIS game. Don't get me wrong, the flying and combat missions are still pretty sweet, but now they have these lame foot missions that just suck the fun out of this game. Bad Force 5! Bad!

Eddie Murphy Raw

On January 30th and 31st, I made my stage debut as a stand-up comic for a fundraiser. I played The Unknown Comic for The Gong Show, but all the material was written by me from jokes about the Honda Element to the French... from getting married to having kids. I didn't get gonged for that act, but I did for my second act (without the bag) which was intentionally bad and was supposed to have been gonged. Needless to say, performing stand-up in front of an audience of hundreds and actually getting laughs from them realized a life-long dream for me. Now, if only I can get paid for it...

[img]http://www.retrocrush.com/archive/uknowncomic/uktop.jpg[/img]

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Q: What's bloody & slimy and goes "Ho-Ho-Ho"?
A: Placenta Claus
Q: Why does Santa have such a big sack?
A: Cos he only comes once a year.


Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

---------------



Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".



The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.



The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.



The third man pulls out a pair of panties.



Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

Answer... "They're Carol's."

---------------



It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed (off). It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.



Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"



Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.



He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year???"

And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to pass.


-------------




A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?"

The kid says, "A fucking swingset."

Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?"

The kid says, "A fucking sandbox for the side yard."

Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"

The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a fucking trampoline in the front yard."

Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."

Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.

His father says, "What's wrong, son?" The kid says, "Santa brought me a fucking dog, but I can't find him."

--------------------



On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.



The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"



The kid says, "Yeah."



The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."



The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.



The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"



Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

The Wizard of Oz

I was thinking the other day about the Wicked Witch of the West. If she melts when you pour water on her, does that mean she never bathes? If that's the case, I'm sure that her hefty aroma would make anyone uncomfortable to be around her, and thus isoloating her from society where she would become angry and bitter at those who didn't accept and understand her handicap. Therefore, all of her so-called evil could be traced back to her being an unjust outcast... cast out of Oz society because they couldn't stand the way her ass smelled.

Also, what if one of the flying monkeys got pissed off and spit on her?

Final Destination 2
½

Thought for the day...

Do Ents get morning wood?




Today someone I loaned a bunch of DVDs to finally got around to returning them and among them was Final Destination 2. This isn't a great movie... in fact, it's hardly a good movie. But it is a shamelessly brutal one and probably one of the most gorey horror movies in years. It's like watching bugs hit a windshield... fun stuff.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - The Complete Fourth Season

My family and I had Christmas today and I received the Fourth season of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine on DVD which is probably one of the best seasons the show ever did. More importantly, I GOT A DVD RECORDER! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Me happy much much.

[img]http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00008KGT0.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg[/img]

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Thought for the day:

Hell hath no fury like an American who is mildly inconvienenced.

I saw Return of the King finally and, let me say, it's a perfect cap to the series. They definitely saved the best for last this time around. I loved just about every second of it, save the ending that got a little tiresome... Still, that's more than forgivable. I want the extended edition of this bad boy NOW!

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

Thought for the day:

Harrison Ford leaving Melissa Mathison to marry Callista Flockhart is like Han Solo leaving Princess Leia for C-3PO!

Pet Sematary
Pet Sematary(1989)

Thought for the day:

If a piece of buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied buttered toast to a cat's feet?

Edward Scissorhands

Thought for the day:

Every day is the weekend if you are unemployed.

Scrooged
Scrooged(1988)
½

Thought for the day:

Why do they call them apartments if they're so close together?

Air Force One
½

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/forumpictures/owned/saddam-owned.jpg[/img]

Hey, I'm glad that Saddam is finally in custody and these idiots in the Middle East finally see what a cowardly buttnuggett their sons and daughters have been blowing themselves up over, but dammit... this has probably insured that Dubya the Dorkish is going to get another friggin' term in office. Another four years of an idiot in the White House. Saddam, couldn't you have just stayed in that hole another few months? That's all we needed... just a few more months.:mad:

The Day After
½

Well, I went and did it and got married yesterday. The wedding and reception went off without a hitch, we had a great time, and now I'm trying to get my brain wrapped around the concept that I'm a husband now.

And, speaking of The Day After... let's talk about that 1983 TV movie of the same name. Sweet Jesus, this movie used to scare the living crapola out of me when I was younger and now that I'm older, it still scares me. Despite the fact that Steve Guttenberg pollutes this movie with his vile presence, The Day After is a terrifying look at an absolute worst case senaro and how people might go on living afterwards.

American Wedding
½

Today's the day! Butterflies are at a minium, I managed to get the family un-pissed at me, the rehersal and rehersal party went awesomely and everything is ready to go! By my next journal entry, I shall be a married man!

[img]http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00005JMCT.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg[/img]

And, on that note, what about American Wedding, the third movie in the American Pie saga. Well, it's the weakest of the three but that being said, it's still funny, still charming, and still fun to watch. I just love these characters (despite the fact that Stifler is in asshole overload in this movie) and I love these movies. They never fail to make me laugh. I may lower my opinion on this one during repeat viewings, but it's very enjoyable.

But what about that DVD cover? Why the hell is Stifler in front? He's not the star!:rotten:

The One
The One(2001)

Well, tomorrow is the big day. My brother and brother-in-law threw a bachelor party for me last night and it was probably the worst experience of my life. I'd asked them two things... no alchohol and keep it clean because I wanted my nephews there so that they would feel included. What did they do? They showed up with a keg of beer and a stripper dispite the fact that my father-in-law and minister were in attendence. My nephews had to stay in a hotel room while this went of. So, everyone at the party gets drunk besides me because I don't drink, the stripper they got was probably the uglist thing I'd seen take off its clothes (we later learned that she strips because she couldn't pass a drug test to get a real job... something she seemed proud of), and no one would leave! Finally, at around midnight I ditched everyone and went to my fiancee's house. She's also had a horrible time at her party as well. I got a phone call at about 1:30 in the morning when my brother finally realized I'd left. I told him that I had a shitty time, that I was pissed off, and that I wasn't coming back. So, at about 3 AM I called up at the house again and my sister was there... she told me that everyone was gone and that I could come home. Once I got there, everyone was still there. My sister apologized saying that everyone has left, but came right back.

By then, my house smelled like beer and cigarette smoke, there was a mess everywhere, and two strippers (yes, they hired another one while I was gone and she was just as ugly) just sitting around talking to everyone. I'd had enough, I told everyone to get the fuck out of my house.

So, now everyone is pissed off at me. My mother, of course, took my brother's side saying I should have been more appreciative of what he did for me. Well, if you ask me, he didn't do a damned thing for me... he threw the party for everyone else and I never factored into his plans at all. It was probably one of the most selfish things he's done and, believe me, he's done some pretty selfish things. I hope he's goddamned proud of himself.

[img]http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00005V1WW.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg[/img]

Okay, enough bitching... Jet Li in The One (since there is only one day left until the wedding). This movie sucked. It takes an interesting premise and completeley stupifies it into something generic, uninteresting, and silly. A complete waste.

The Man with Two Brains

Two days until I get married! My bachelor party is tonight! Woot!

And, on the subject of two, let's talk about the Steve Martin comedy, The Man with Two Brains. Although attempting the kind of comedy like Top Secret or Airplane, this movie is just not quite there. Oh, it's got a ton of funny bits as it features Steve Martin in his prime and a script that shoots for a straight R rating. Even Kathleen Turner is hilarious in her role as a gold-digging con artist.

Although there are a lot of misses in the comedy, there are some potent hits. In case you haven't seen this overlooked and forgotten comedy, go check it out!

Three Kings
Three Kings(1999)
½

Three days until my wedding!

[img]http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00003CX74.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg[/img]

Speaking of three... Let's dish about Three Kings, the Gulf War movie starring George Clooney, Ice Cube, and Marky Mark. Yeah, I know he doesn't like to be called Marky Mark, but you know what? Marky! Marky! Marky! Marky! Marky!

I love this movie, even though I usually hate Marky Mark and Ice Cube as actors. It brought light and heart to a situation that was pretty much sterilized and packaged by the US government, told an intriguing story, all while making you uncomfortable one minute... and laugh the next.

Highly recommended!

The Four Feathers

Four days until my wedding! Yay!

[img]http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000W0K9E.01-A2X3FMBNSRPS6U.LZZZZZZZ.jpg[/img]

Speaking of four, what about [i]The Four Feathers[/i]? Well, truthfully, I haven't seen all of this movie but I doubt it could get any better at the point I turned it off. Beautifully shot, but dripping with a muddled story, bad acting, and a script that just can't muster any excitment, this is one movie that should be crossed off your Christmas list this year.

God help me, I'm actually considering renting [i]Gigli[/i] tomorrow just to say I've seen it.

The Fifth Element

Five days until I get married!

[img]http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000WHKII.01-A2X3FMBNSRPS6U.LZZZZZZZ.jpg[/img]

Today, with the number five in mind, let's dish about The Fifth Element. I LOVE this movie... it's one of the few that get better the more you watch it. The gnarely new look of the future, the spirited script, the fun acting, and the unapologetically goofy nature of the movie makes The Fifth Element a modern day sci-fi classic.

Sadly, this was one of Milla Jovocich' only good movies.


MULTIPASS!

The Sixth Sense

Six days left until the big day!

And, speaking of six... What about The Sixth Sense?

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/forumpictures/finalword/6thsense.jpg[/img]

Personally, I love this movie. Unlike The Ring, if you know the mystery and know the payoff, the movie is still atmospheric, spooky, and dramatic enough to watch over and over again. Shamalyan is a great director and, if you can't recognize that... I think you're an idiot. End of story. Eat that, you fucking posers.

The Ring
The Ring(2002)
½

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/topical/sevendays.jpg[/img]

The seven day countdown has begun! Donner's single life ends forever nest Saturday as he takes the biggest plunge of his life... matrimony!

THE RING

For the inspiraton to today's journal entry, we look at The Ring. I rated it pretty high the first time I saw it, but this is one of those movies that looses so much punch the second time you see it that it seems like a waste of time. Still, there are lots of creepy visuals and stuff to keep you from being totally bored.

You'll love it most the first time, but after the mystery is blown... fuggedaboutit.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
½

Shiver me timbers, matey! Here's a wee script I call...

[size=6][i]The Pirates of the Caribbean on Wheel of Fortune!!![/i][/size]


[b]PAT SAJAK:[/b] All right, Blackbeard, please choose a letter.
[b]BLACKBEARD:[/b] Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
[b]PAT SAJAK:[/b] There are three "R's!" Please choose another letter.
[b]BLACKBEARD:[/b] Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
[b]PAT SAJAK:[/b] I'm sorry, but there are no more "R's."
[b]BLACKBEARD:[/b] (Sadly) Arrrr.
[b]PAT SAJAK:[/b] Long John Silver. Please choose a letter.
[b]LONG JOHN SILVER:[/b] Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
[b]PAT SAJAK:[/b] There are no more "R's!"
[b]PARROT:[/b] Raaaaaaaaak! There are no more R's! There are no more R's!

[i]Long John Silver runs Pat Sajak through with his sword and then the [/i]
[i]pirates run after a screaming Vanna White.[/i]

Pirates of the Caribbean is my pick of the "Slapped on the Ass" suprise award of 2003. For a movie based on a cheesy Disneyland ride, it's brillant! Hell, even just as a movie by itself, it's bloody brillant. Johnny Depp needs to get his Oscar for this movie. Mark me!

Finally, although it has nothing to do with Pirates of the Caribbean, here's a picture of Dick Gephardt casting a shadow on the flag. My, Dick... what a big... [i]flag[/i] you have!

[img]http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20031201/capt.dcn10412012304.topix_democrats_gephardt_dcn104.jpg[/img]

The X-Files - Fight the Future

Since David Duchovney has gone on record as saying that a second X-Files movie is on the way, I popped in The X-Files: Fight the Future into my DVD player.

Man, what a waste this movie was. Not only did it not straighten out the conpiracy, not only did it not support itself in it's own right, and not only did the movie make no sense whatsoever to someone who had never seen The X-Files before... they made it about that stupid and convoluted mythology that Chris Carter passed off as a story arch for so long before The X-Files ended and we learned that Chrissy-Boy didn't have a clue what was going on either.

If there IS another X-Files movie, make it a movie-movie and not just an average two-hour episode of the television series.

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/X/images/xfiles.jpg[/img][/center]

Oh, also... David Duchovney sucks. He can play one role and now that Mulder is gone, his career has hit the skids. Gillian Anderson has more talent in a cunt hair than Duchovney has in his entire body.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... Poor wittle Mulder.

Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker

Check out the super-happy bannana alarm clock fun hour reviews of [url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/G/gothika.htm"]Gothika[/url], [url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/D/dumbanddumberer.htm"]Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd[/url], and [url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/S/sinbad-legend-of-the-7-seas.htm"]Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas[/url].

I watched Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (the uncut version) today just for kicks and, man... let me tell you... That movie kicks ass on so many levels. The animation is spectacular, the script is fantastic, and the vocal performances are amazing. I love me this movie!

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/essays/images/superhero-batmanreturnofjok.jpg[/img]

Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd
½

So I goes out today and I rent Dumb and Dumberer, the prequel to Dumb and Dumber. It goes to say, if this is a prequel, why is it Dumberer than Dumb and Dumber? Does that mean Harry and Lloyd got smarter between the prequel and original?

Needless to say, this movie is just a waste of time. Despite having one or two nearly inspired bits and a couple of really talented kids almost pulling off Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, this movie relies on a witless script full of dumb jokes and knock offs of the first movie.

Once I get off my ass and write up the reviews I'm behind on, I'll post them here.

Gothika
Gothika(2003)

As promised, here is my [url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/C/cat_in_the_hat.htm"]The Cat in the Hat review[/url]. I was generous and gave it a "D" because I liked it's set designs, but don't be fooled by my easiness. This movie is akin to something a cat might have left in a litterbox.

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/C/poster/catinthehat.jpg[/img]

I saw Gothika tonight (which accounts for my late-night entry into the journal. Hey, I have a life away from my computer so blow me!) Gothika is a good movie and a welcome breath of fresh air after Dark Castle's last two cinematic farts, [i]Ghost Ship[/i] and [i]13 Ghosts[/i]. Hey, I love what Dark Castle is trying to do with old school horror and I hope they follow up more like they did with [i]Gothika[/i].

I'll post my full review when I write it up. [i]Gothika[/i] isn't a perfect movie by a long shot, but it is suspenseful and it is scary and it is interesting until the obvious ending you see coming from a mile away and, sadly, ruins the suspense.

[img]http://images.rottentomatoes.com/images/movie/custom/16/10002416.jpg[/img]

Finally, I realized today that Harry Knowels is in the RT critics database so, of course, I am giving that fat tub of cholesterol and shit a big fat goose-egg. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, YOU QUOTE WHORE!!! WHORE YOURSELF OUT FOR ANY CAMEOS TODAY, YOU GREAT ORANGE MENACE!? GO JOGGING AND DROP DEAD OF A HEART ATTACK, YOU WALKING LARDCLOT! YOUR TEN POUNDS OF SHIT IN A FIVE POUND BAG, HARRY KNOWLES! GO FUCK YOURSELF IN YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS!!!!

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/forumpictures/mis/feedmeakitten.jpg[/img]

Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat

[left][u][b]MY THANKSGIVING WISH[/b][/u][/left]
[left][b][/b] [/left]
[center][img]http://www.survivorfever.net/images7/contestants/s7_cast_6_tn.jpg[/img][/center]

DIE! DIE YOU CHEATING, LYING, NO-GOOD, MONKEY-DICKED, SHIT-EATING, RAT-FACED, BABY-RAPING, BRAINLESS, HOPELESS, HEARTLESS, DICKLESS, SMARMY, CONCEEDED, SMUG, MICHEAL JACKSON MOLESTATION VICTIM!

MAY FAMINE SWEEP THROUGH THE BALBOA TRIBE, CAUSING THEM TO RESORT TO CANNIBALISM STARTING WITH THE ASSHOLIEST BASTARD ON THE ISLAND!

DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!!!

[b][u]THE CAT IN THE HAT[/u][/b]

Holy shit! Did THIS movie suck ass! The full review is coming soon and, yes child, it will rhyme.

X2: X-Men United

I bought X2 on DVD today and, if you love superhero movies, you need to buy it too. It's better than Superman, better than Batman, and better than Spider-Man. As a matter of fact, it's still sitting firmly at the very top of my best of 2003 list.

This movie has it all. It's action-packed, it's got great characterization, some unique and fun action sequences, and a story that never bores. It even sets up X3 as a movie that could be even better if done correctly.

Two razor claws up for this bad boy! SNIKT! SNIKT!

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/X/images/X2-stormnightcrawler.jpg[/img]

Halle Berry! Be in X3 or go to hell!

The Money Pit

I will get around to seeing a new movie, I swear! In the meantime, the fiancee is starting to move her stuff into my house. 18 more days and my life sentence begins!






Help!

Whale Rider
Whale Rider(2003)
½

[b]SURVIVOR[/b]

A year ago, I hated reality TV and now not only am I watching Big Brother, The Amazing Race, and Survivor regularly, but now... the developments on those shows are starting to piss me off.

Take tonight's Survivor for example. Rupert, my favorite castaway, got booted off the island by a bunch of snakes. I know it's the name of the game to get rid of the strongest players at this point of the game, but there's one castaway that is really pissing me off.

[center][img]http://www.survivorfever.net/images7/contestants/s7_cast_6_tn.jpg[/img][/center]

THIS GUY! Jon Dalton! The little rat-faced mother fucker who thinks he's sooooooo smart and soooooooo witty. This guy needs to be punched... for an hour. I hope he gets eaten by a shark... but then that would be cruel for the poor shark. I hate this man. I hate him, hate him, hate him. I hate his smarmy attitude, I hate his voice, I hate his face with those buck teeth that stick out so much you don't know whether to slap him or feed him a piece of cheese. If this man remotely comes close to winning survivor, I will strap C-4 to myself and walk into the CBS offices.

Face it, Jon, you're not winning the million. None of the jury will vote for you. When you get home, people are going to attack you on the street simply because you are the biggest asshole on the planet.

[center][img]http://www.survivorfever.net/images7/contestants/s7_cast_11_tn.jpg[/img][/center]


[left]Rupert, on the other hand, played a good game, told the truth, never stabbed anyone in the back (who didn't have it coming to them), and he was kicked off the island. He seemed pretty upset (rightly so) but cheer up, Rupert... America loves you and if you don't get a part in the Pirates of the Caribbean sequel, there is no justice. Let those cock-smokers have that millon dollars, Rupert. America thinks your swell and the future looks like it could rock for you.[/left]


[left]I mean, if that beanpole Colleen Haskell can get a part in a Rob Shneider movie, YOU can take Hollywood by storm, my friend! By storm![/left]


[left]THE WHALE RIDER[/left]


[left]I finally rented this movie. It is an extraordinary film, but perhaps blown a little out of proportion by its supporters. Still, little Keisha Castle-Hughes is one helluva kid actor. One of the best I've seen in a looooooong time.[/left]

Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas

I just got done watching [i][b]Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas[/b][/i], the movie that destroyed Dreamworks 2-D animation. It's not a bad movie. It's got action, humor, and lots of nice scenery. A little forgettable, but overall... not bad. It in no way deserved to tank as badly as it did, but I guess there's just no market for animated adventure anymore unless you have a talking animal sidekick and Phil Collins crooning in the background.

[center][img]http://images.rottentomatoes.com/images/movie/trailer/10001573/SinbadLegendoftheSevenSeas-trailer_06.jpg[/img][/center]

Also - and believe me, this is a hard thing to admit - I think I'm a Brad Pitt fan. This digustingly good-looking bastard is in all my favorite movies... [i]Fight Club, Ocean's Eleven, Snatch, Twelve Monkeys, Interview with the Vampire[/i]... There's no other answer. I like Brad Pitt.

However, I don't think this makes me gay because I still despise [i]Cool World[/i] with a passion.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

I'm sick today, but I did manage to get my hands on [i]The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Extended Edition[/i]. What a great DVD set. All those new added scenes really added to the movie... so much so that I've bumped it up from a 9 to a 10. It still suffers a bit of the "middle chapter" syndrome, but it's a much more complete movie than it was before.

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/L/images/lordofthering-twotowers-frodo.jpg[/img][/center]
[left] [/left]
[left]Ever notice, though, that Elija Woods has this look like he's just been kicked in the back of the head?[/left]

Finally, Liv Tyler... she's hot, but not very talented but who cares? I love this woman. She's refusing to loose weight and be turned into a Skeletor actress because some execs think that women who have ribs sticking out of their chest like a 12-year-old boy is sexy.

The emaciated 3rd world women have gots to go! I like my women like I like my chicken... with a little bit of fat on the end!

We've also learned that Johnathan Brandis is dead. As a fan of [i]seaQuest DSV[/i], I morn his passing.

Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas
½

[left]Apologies for this, but Fabfunk started it![/left]
[left] [/left]
[left][img]http://images.rottentomatoes.com/images/movie/trailer/10001646/DrSeussTheCatintheHat-trailer_15.jpg[/img][/left]
[left] [/left]
[left][i]Will you see The Cat in the Hat?[/i][/left]

I will not see it and that is that.
I will not see it now or later,
I will not see it Brian Grazer!
I will not see The Cat in the Hat.
I will not see it and that is that.


[left][i]Will you see it in your house?[/left]
Will you see it with your spouse?[/i]


[left]I will not see it in my house.[/left]
I will not see it with my spouse.
I will not see it now or later,
I will not see it Brian Grazer!
I will not see The Cat in the Hat.
I will not see it and that is that.


[left][i]Will you see it if it's for free?[/i][/left]
[i]Will you watch it on DVD?[/i]


[left]I will not watch this turd for free,[/left]
I will not watch it on DVD.
I will not see it in my house.
I will not see it with my spouse.
I will not see it now or later,
I will not see it Brian Grazer!
I will not see The Cat in the Hat.
I will not see it and that is that.


[left][i]Would you, could you on TV?[/i][/left]
[i]See it! See it! Letterbox or framed![/i]


[left]I would not, could not on TV.[/left]


[left][i]You just might like it, just pay a buck![/i][/left]
[i]You might just like it with a duck![/i]


[left]I would not, could not in a car,[/left]
not with a duck,
I've seen the trailers, this movie will suck!
I will not see The Cat in the Hat.
I will not see it and that is that.


[left][i]A plane! A plane! A plane! A plane![/i][/left]
[i]You can't get away if it's on a plane![/i]


[left]Not in a plane,[/left]
Not in a car,
Not with a duck!
No fooling me, Brian Grazer,
This movie will suck!


[left][i]Would you watch it during sex?[/i][/left]


[left]Not at all! Not even with my ex![/left]


[left][i]Would you, could you at the IMAX?[/i][/left]


[left]I would not could not at the IMAX,[/left]
Not during sex,
not with my ex,
I will not see The Cat in the Hat.
I will not see it and that is that.


[left][i]You do not like it, so you say?[/i][/left]
[i]Watch it! Watch it anyway![/i]


[left]Grazer, if you will let me be,[/left]
I will watch it so you see.


[left](90 minutes later)[/left]

[left]I've watched it, watched it and I'm not grinning.[/left]
That whirling sound is Dr. Suess spinning.
I do not like the Cat in the Hat,
Just the latest thing that Hollywood's shat.
I do not like you, Brian Gazer,
I'd like to cut your penis off with a rusty razor.
Do not see The Cat in the Hat!
Do not see it, or you're a RAT!

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

...but I'm happy!

Yep, today my lazy, good-for-nothing, wouldn't get a job for anything brother finally moved the fuck out of my house. Good-bye, dipshit! I can't wait for all my bills to go down, but then again... you wouldn't know anything about bills since you never helped pay one before!

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

Tank Girl
Tank Girl(1995)
½

Ever see a movie and know it's bad, yet cannot hate it no matter how much you want to? Something about that movie facinates you to no end... despite it's complete and total suckitude.

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/images/fakechriterions/tankgirl.jpg[/img][/center]

For me, that movie is [i][b]Tank Girl[/b][/i], the 1995 adaptation of the underground comic book starring Lori Petty, Ice T, Jeff Kober, Malcolm McDowell, and Naomi Watts.

[i]Tank Girl[/i] takes place in 2033 when nearly all of the Earth's water has been destroyed by a comet (I know, it makes no sense). Now, the world is run by this company called Water and Power who, of course, controll all the water and have all the power. The leader of this evil company is played by Malcolm McDowell who was fresh off his stint as the main villian in [i]Star Trek: Generations[/i]. Malcolm has fun in this role and plays it perfectly. He's one reason why I love this shitty film.

Of course, with any big and evil company in charge of the world, there's bound to be rebels and that's were we find Lori Petty as Rebecca... AKA Tank Girl. Her and her peace-loving rebel friends are attacked by Water and Power and many of them are killed... including Tank Girl's boyfriend and a beloved pet bull. A little girl she was really attached to gets kidnapped and, of course, so is Tank Girl.

Lori Petty owns this role, folks. She's smart, sassy, sexy, and naughty. Perhaps a little tamer than her comic counterpart, but you know... I likes her anyway.

Tank Girl catches the fancy of Malcolm McDowell (I guess I should mention that his name is Kessley, shouldn't I?) and he makes it his personal mission to break her free spirit. She defies him (generating some great barbing scenes) and he only gets more and more pissed... finally sending her down to work in the mines as a slave.

This is where she meets Jet Girl, played by a Pre-The Ring Naomi Watts. Jet is shy, introverted, and emotional... so Tank Girl makes it her mission to get the girl a spine.

Kessley decides to use Tank Girl as bait to draw out a group of mutant monsters called Rippers, who have been destroying his operation, out of hiding so he can elimiate them. Only... the Rippers attack while he's being smug and Tank Girl and Jet Girl escape. The Rippers are, actually, genetically modified kangaroos built for combat who have been left over from a war. Played by Ice T, Jeff Kober, Scott Coffey, and Reg E. Cathey. Personally, I think these guys are hilarious and this is probably my favorite Ice T role. I'm sure he'd rather forget it.

Anyway, without giving the rest of the movie away, there are futuristic whorehouses, dance numbers, parachute gunfights, holographic shenannigans, and tons of spunk, absurdity, and fun.

Yeah, I know this is a bad movie. I know it is, but I love it despite of it's badness. So much so that I even discovered a tape of missing and deleted scenes from the movie. In case you're a fan of this phenomenally good bad movie, here's a brief discription of them. If not, then fuck off. Don't read anymore, you asshole!

[b]DELETED SCENE ONE[/b]

[b]PROLOUGE[/b]

We see a young 8-year-old Tank Girl at a barbeque in a trailer park. There's a white trash party going on, drinking, laughing, and - strangely - a peacher reading from the bible. We soon see why... on TV, there is news footage of an approaching comet that will soon hit the Earth. Everything goes dark (the special effects are incomplete and told mainly with storyboards and whank-o-matic effects) and little Tank Girl wanders off. People at the party start running as the comet approaches. Scared, little Tank Girl hides inside a trailer as her parents call out to her.

The comet hits and we wash out to:

Complete devestation. Little Tank Girl climbs out of the wrecked trailer and sees that she's the only one still alive.

SCENE: :fresh::fresh::fresh:

[b]DELETED SCENE TWO[/b]

[b]ORIGINAL BEGINNING[/b]

Starts out like the beginning of the movie with Tank Girl riding the bull but without the voice over. When TG looks through her scope, though, we see that she sees an old woman searching through the desert with some sort of metal-detector thing. The old woman finds a conatiner of water buried in the sand and drinks it like an orange juice commercial. A Water and Power aircraft ambushes the old lady, sees that she has water, and blows her away. When the pilot lands to get the water, he is ambushed and ripped to pieces by the Rippers. The scene concludes with TG finding the wreckage of the flyer and drinking the water for herself as it appears in the film... but again, without the VO.

SCENE: :fresh::fresh::fresh:

[b]DELETED SCENE THREE
[/b]
[b]TANK GIRL'S BEDROOM[/b]

A brief scene, we see Tank Girl in her bedroom wearing a hockey mask and possibly beating something with a dildo. I don't know why this scene was cut... it advances the plot in such a smart and meaningful way.

SCENE: :fresh:

[b]DELETED SCENE FOUR[/b]

[b]KESSLEY TORTURES TANK GIRL[/b]

This is an extended version of the "It's really hard to play with myself in this thing" torture scene with TG and Kessley in the freezer room.

Kessley enters the freezer room where TG is tied up with a straight jacket and freezing. TG looks at him.

TG: It's really hard to play with myself in this thing.
K: That's a shame.
TG: So... Sam I Am. What do you say? How about hooking me up with some juice and a crousant?
K: (Indicating a steak on the ground) Didn't you... like your lunch?
TG: Eh, the steak could have used some more fat.
K: (Smirks) Then you should have fed your pet buffalo some more, shouldn't you?
TG: (Lunges at K)
K: Look, you want to play... I'll play. And I'll win.
TG: No, not if it's Monopoly 'cause I really kick ass at that game. But I get to be the shoe.
K: Look, I'm going to ask you one more time. Do you want to work for Water and Power?
TG: Oh... Yeah, that sounds groovy. Do I get to wear a cute little outfit like yours?
K: (Pulls out a gun and shoots her with a dart) Have you ever heard of Cholera? It's an old-fashioned disease... not very pleasant.
TG: (Starts to shake and moan in pain)
K: (Opens a knife and looks at the insignia) Ah, the abandoned child. Well, that's interesting. You know, your whole life you'll never be happy because no one will ever love you as much as your parents... never did.

FADE OUT

SCENE: :fresh::fresh::fresh::fresh:

[b]DELETED SCENE FIVE[/b]

[b]TANK GIRL GIVES JET GIRL A BEER[/b]

That's about the cusp of the scene. Tank Girl give Jet a beer after they fix up the Tank. Jet says, "Absolutely... Positively..." and then TG finished with "MENTAL!!!"

I don't get it either.

SCENE: :fresh:

[b]DELETED SCENE SIX[/b]

[b]LET'S DO IT ADDITIONAL LYRICS[/b]

The "Let's Do It" dance number with additional verses by Jet Girl and Sam. Interesting because the audio in this scene was raw and you can hear the playback in many of the cuts.

SCENE: :fresh::fresh::fresh::fresh:

[b]DELETED SCENE SEVEN[/b]

[b]TANK GIRL AND JET GIRL CONFRONT SUB GIRL[/b]

Tank and Jet are on their way to Sub Girl's place.

JET: Are you out of your mind? Listen to me, you haven't seen these things. They're not human, they're demons from hell. I'm telling you!
TG: Look, if we're going to rescue Sam, we need and army. They're an army and this lady claims to know them.
JET: But she also claims to be the Rain Goddess!

Inside Sub Girl's place, she is fishing in a bucket for a boot. TG and Jet approach her.

TG: Hey, do you really know how to find the Rippers?

Sub Girl smiles.

FADE OUT:

SCENE: :fresh::fresh:

[b]DELETED SCENE EIGHT[/b]

[b]TANK GIRL AND BOOGA IN BED[/b]

T Saint is walking around the Ripper hide out looking for someone. He walks up to the tank and opens the hatch.

T SAINT: Hey get your dumb ass out of bed! We got work to do!

Booga and TG are in bed together and smile at each other. T Saint grunts in disgust. Wonder why?

SCENE: :fresh::fresh:

[b]DELETED SCENE NINE[/b]

[b]THE PRISONERS ARE FREED[/b]

At the end of the movie after Booga rescues TG and Sam. The ground shakes and stuff starts falling.

TG: What now!?

The other Ripper converge as a machine erupts from the ground and fires rockets at the Water and Power facility freeing all the slaves. As the slaves run to freedome, Sub Girl pops out of the machine (which we see is actually some sort of tunneling submarine).

SUB GIRL: Did we win?
TG: How'd you guess?

SCENE: :fresh::fresh::fresh::fresh:

[b]DELETED SCENE TEN[/b]

[b]ORIGINAL ENDING[/b]

Outside Water and Power after Kesslee is defeated. Donner, one of the Rippers (not me) is talking to Jet Girl.

DONNER: Now that we've destroyed water and power and put and end to Kesslee's evil empire, do you think maybe you'd like to see my award-winning cucumber? It's really big.
JET: Look, Donner, if you and I are going to build a beautiful, loving relationship... you're going to have to get rid of all these moronic sexual innuendos!
DONNER: (Holds up cucumber) What do you mean?

Sub Girl walks by, grabs the cucumber, and goes up to T Saint.

SUB: T Saint! I'm sorry I've been away. But I've been busy talking to the FISHES!!! (Bites into the cucumber)
T SAINT: Just my luck... I get stuck with the basketcase.

T Saint walks off and the camera focuses on Sam who is wiping off her arms.

SAM: What's going on? Who's spitting on me!
JET: No one's spitting on you, it's rain!
SAM: Oh my God! It really is!
SUB: I told you so, but nobody would believe me!
BOOGA: The rain! What a magnificent miracle of nature. It falls like tears from our crystal ferverment revitalizing the crusted Earth. Oh deep joy. Deep joy.
TG: Yes, my friends, it is raining. Nature has been restored. Soon, the Earth will be reborn. Hey, wait a minute! Someone's gotta run this brave new world! Jet Girl! Sub Girl! Places to kill... people to do.

They mug to the camera as we...

FADE OUT

Wow... with such beautiful writing... who knows why they cut this scene from the movie.:rolleyes:

SCENE: :rotten:

All in all, the scenes are interesting... the prolouge and torture scenes would have added to the movie if they would have been included, but the original ending is horrible and rightly deserves on the cutting room floor.

Bachelor Party
½

Today is November 13th, 2003 and, in one month, I will be taking the Nestea Plunge into married life. I hope the broad knows what she's getting herself into.

Speaking of bachelors... What about Bachelor Party, one of Tom Hank's first movies!? I watched it the other day... it's kind of dated now and not as funny as I remember it, but it does make me laugh and reminds me of just what a talented and versitile mother fucker Tom Hanks really is.

All hail Tom Hanks!

Terminator 3 - Rise of the Machines
½

[b]Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines[/b]

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/T/images/terminator_3.jpg[/img]

Screw everyone who says differently, this movie rocks the house. Arnold may be done as an action star, but at least he's gone out with a bang. Yeah, it's the weakest of the [i]Terminator[/i] movies, but if this is the worst they get... I'm happy.

Read my [url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/T/terminator3.html"]full review[/url] or I will terminate you!

The Fast and the Furious

Alas, poor fabfunk3, I knew him well Horatio.

That dumbass Smellykat banned fabby today! Can you beleive that!? Fab's back as just plain fabfunk, but c'mon! He got banned for something he wrote in his journal! [i]HIS[/i] Journal!

Fuck you, Smellykat! Fuck you!:mad:

Also, I've been busting Paul Walker's balls all day. I don't know what started it... maybe because he's appearing in [i]Timeline[/i] and, thanks to his many talents, I know the movie's going to suck now.

The Fast and the Furious is a rip-off of Point Break... which wasn't that great of a movie to begin with, but at least Paul Walker wasn't in it.

Fuck Paul Walker too!:mad:

Shrek
Shrek(2001)

Puss 'n Boots will be the break-out character of 2004. I guarantee it.

[img]http://home.comcast.net/~knights_end/PussNBoots3.jpg[/img]

In case you don't know, this little pussy is appearing in Shrek 2 next summer. This got me nostalgic for the first Shrek and I watched it tonight... Still love it, still laughed at it, and still consider it the best film of 2001.

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
½

[b]Star Wars: Clone Wars[/b]

Well, I finally managed to catch the Clone Wars cartoon on Cartoon Network that everyone's been talking about. Exactly what the hell was THAT all about? Five minutes long and then it's over? I've seen more effort put into a reverberating fart than got put into that Clone Wars cartoon. Honestly, were they TRYING to make Anakin as ugly as possible?

[b]Ronald Reagan vs. Jessica Lynch[/b]

If you don't believe that the Republicans are evil, consider this... The conservatives had an absolute shit-fit when CBS was going to air a less-than-complimentary biography of Ronald Reagan and put the pressure on the network until they yanked it from the schedule. The republicans believe that the biography was inaccurate, but didn't trust YOU to come up with that assesment on your own. The Republican party doesn't think you're smart enough... or, at least, doesn't want a lot of people to see what the biography was saying about their beloved Reagan godhead. Here's a hint, folks... HE WAS EVIL!!!

Meanwhile, ABC is airing The Jessica Lynch Story which is solely based on a big fat lie told by the Bush administration and is being debunked by Lych herself.

Are the liberals making a fuss about this wholesale lie being told on TV? No... they trust your intelligence enough to come up with your own assessment. In fact, they don't seem to bat an eye at Clinton spoofs like Primary Colors, the conservative network Fox News, or at fat conservative fucks like Rush "High-As-A-Kite" Limbaugh who bamboozle his loving ditto-heads ever chance he gets with half-truths and lies.

The Republican Party is evil. Just accept it.

Erin Brockovich

As promised, here's my list of the [url="http://www.rottentomatoes.com/vine/showthread.php?t=286525"]Worst Television Farewell Episodes[/url].


Also, another interesting post I pulled out of my ass today, [url="http://www.rottentomatoes.com/vine/showthread.php?t=286688"]The 5 Minute Matrix Revolutions[/url].
Finally, I saw [i]Erin Brockovich[/i] recently. This was probably the most fun I've had watching a Julia Roberts movie... and by "most" I mean "only."

Clue
Clue(1985)

Be sure to check out my list of television's [url="http://www.rottentomatoes.com/vine/showthread.php?t=286174"]Best Farewell Episodes[/url], because if you don't I will rape your dog. Stay tuned! Television's Worst Farewell Episodes are coming soon! I won't say who's on the list now, but here's a hint... one of them was made by a Mr. Seinfeld.

...and is it me or has RT been slow as fuck today?

The Matrix Revolutions

[size=7]Whoa![/size]

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/M/images/TheMatrixRevolutions1.jpg[/img][/center]

I just got out of [i]The Matrix Revolutions[/i] and, boy, did it suck ever so hard... and this is coming from someone who liked the first two movies! Anyway, my super-happy fun-time review of [i]The Matrix Revolutions[/i] is [url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/M/matrix_revolutions.htm"]here[/url] in case you care... which, if you're reading this journal, you do so quit denying it, you fag!

Finding Nemo
Finding Nemo(2003)
½

[size=5]THE BEST MOVIE AUTOMOBILES EVER![/size]

Here's another stupid list I put together of the [url="http://www.rottentomatoes.com/vine/showthread.php?t=285476"]best movie cars[/url]. I didn't get booed this time around so, either I'm getting better at this or less assholes are reading my threads.

[center][font=Courier New][size=7]I Found Nemo![/size][/font][/center]
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[img]http://www.kitchentraveler.com/images/Fish.jpg[/img]

If you've got kids in the room, tell 'em this is Nemo and make them cry. It'll build character!

[font=Comic Sans MS][size=4]FINDING NEMO[/size][/font]

Here's the [url="http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/F/finding_nemo.html"]full review[/url] I wrote when I first saw this movie last summer. Sufficed to say, the future Mrs. Donner bought me the DVD today and, after giving it a spin, I think I actually enjoyed it more. This movie is a visual orgasm with a great story and some superb writing... not to mention great vocal performances. If you haven't already, see this movie!!!
[left] [/left]
[left][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/F/images/findingnemo.jpg[/img][/left]

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
½

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, Maury Povich.

Star Trek - Nemesis
½

[size=7]Donner Talks Trek[/size]

I am a huge nerd... I love [i]Star Trek[/i]. Even during the last few years when we had to suffer through the lackluster [i]Voyager[/i] and the coma-inducing [i]Enterprise[/i], I still tuned in every week because I love the [i]Star Trek[/i] universe... even when that universe is a complete train wreck.

Thankfully, though, it looks like the powers that be are finally pulling their crap together (are those stupid swear filters still on these journals? Can I say shit yet?) and turning things around. [i]Enterprise[/i] is returning to it's roots by undergoing an overhaul, getting a decent story arch going, and even retitling the series [i]Star Trek: Enterprise[/i].

[center][img]http://userimages.rottentomatoes.com/profiles/982/4163fa744cdae84d_p.jpg[/img][/center]

It's a crying shame that it took two years of virtual non-stop crap to get Parmount to give the series a creative enemia, but it's worked. Six episodes into the new season and I have yet to see a single [i]Star Trek: Enterprise[/i] episode I would call bad.

Granted, the series is not perfect and could use a lot more improving, but you have to give the creators props for listening to the fan's concerns and trying to fix what is wrong. At the very least, it's winning back my intrest.

[size=7]New Frontier[/size]

Now, if there's any modern Trek that never dissapoints, it's in the literary field... more specifically, Peter David's [i]New Frontier[/i] series.

[center][img]http://images.amazon.com/images/P/0743477073.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg[/img][/center]


[left] [/left]
[left][i]New Frontier[/i] takes Star Trek where it never had the cajones to go before... a barbarian captain, a dual-sexed first officer, a vulcan science officer who is hiding her romulan parentage, character from the 70's animated [i]Star Trek[/i], immortal women in computers, Thor, Anubis, and Santa Claus... I love this frickkin' book series. It's always smart, it's always witty, and it's never predictable.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Right now, if you go pick up the new harcover, [i]Stone and Anvil[/i], you'll get the first 16 [i]New Frontier[/i] books on a CD Rom. This is a great chance for you to jump into this wonderful universe head-first. If you're only getting started, then I envy you.[/left]

[left] [/left]
[left]Live long and prosper, be-otch.[/left]

Hulk
Hulk(2003)

[size=7]Teen Titans...[/size]
[size=5]How to alienate comic fans.[/size]
[size=5][/size]
[size=3]Reading the new version of [i]Teen Titans[/i] is a painful experience. Hey, it's not like it's a bad book... it would be pretty good if you read it by yourself, but I've been reading these characters - Robin, Superboy, Impulse, and Wonder Girl - for years in Peter David's light-hearted book, [i]Young Justice[/i] where they would fight evils like The Mighty Endowed, a cat-lady whos boobs were so big she couldn't stand up straight; Dante, a demon who ran a Disco-Hell; and Old Justice, a group of aged ex-sidekicks who sought to stop any more children from entering the dangerous field of sidekickery.[/size]
[size=3][/size]
[size=3]Now, thanks to a purely corporate decision, [i]Young Justice[/i] is gone. Not because of low sales, but because DC thought they could capitalize on that awful cartoon on Cartoon Network by publishing the characters in a new [i]Teen Titans[/i] book. Now Robin, Impulse, Superboy, and Wonder Girl aren't in light-hearted adventures... now they're mired in angst and depressing stories.[/size]
[size=3][/size]
[size=3]It's painful and with the latest issue, it just got worse.[/size]
[size=3][/size]
[size=3]Fans of Impulse, the delightfuly attention deficit young speedster nephew of The Flash, were slapped in the face in the latest issue. Impulse got shot in the knee and, while he was being operated on without the use on anestetic (because, since his body moves so fast, it would just hyper-metabolize out of his system) Impulse took a long hard look at his life and, in the space of only one issue, his entire character... this high-speed knucklehead we've all grown to know and love... was destroyed. Impulse went to a library, used his superspeed to read every book, got smart and mature, and became...[/size]
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[center][size=3][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/topical/impulse.jpg[/img][/size][/center]
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[size=3]KID FLASH![/size]
[size=3][/size]
[size=3]Damn you, [i]Teen Titans[/i]... Damn you Geoff Johns... and damn you DC. You've killed a great book, you've destroyed a great character, and for what? An insulting stupid ugly cartoon that is about as entertaining to watch as watching dogs take a dump in the park.[/size]
[size=3][/size]
[size=3]Damn you all.[/size]
[size=3][/size]
[size=7]Re-examining Hulk[/size]
[size=3][/size]
[size=3]I gave [i]Hulk[/i] a second look and, to tell you the truth, I think I hated it more the second time than I did the first time.[/size]
[size=3][/size]
[center][size=3][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/H/images/hulk.jpg[/img][/size][/center]
[size=3][/size]
[size=3]This was just a horrible idea... Make a melodrama about family based on s comic book character who turns green when he gets angry and smashes thing?
[/size]
[size=3][/size]
[size=3]The makers of this movie didn't have a friggin' clue about the character or the audience they were making the movie for.[/size]
[size=3][/size]
[size=3]This is just one artsy, bizzare, and boring movie. A [i]Hulk[/i] movie shouldn't be boring. It just shouldn't.[/size]
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[size=3]
[/size]

Brother Bear
Brother Bear(2003)

There are days I think the professional critics have just gone completley ****ing bonkers. Today is one of those days as I took about seven kids to go see Brother Bear, the lastest animated Disney movie and, if the rumors are true, one of the last traditionally animated features from the Mouse Factory.

[center][img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/B/images/brotherbear.jpg[/img][/center]

The critics are saying that it's stale, it's been done, and it's dull.

Did I see the same ****ing movie they did? I mean, honestly... I know it's not the best Disney toon that they've come out with, but a 39 percent rating on the Tomatometer? Are these critics just out for Disney blood or something? I mean, damnation people... it's no wonder that cel animation is going out the window when a wonderful film like Brother Bear is just skewered by the pompus masses.

So we've seen talking animals before? BIG ****ING DEAL! This movie deserves props for its story and it's visuals. Anyone comparing Brother Bear to The Lion King saying that they are the same thing is a complete ****ing idiot.

Yeah, I'm pissed... but I'm witnessing the end of traditional animation and these *******s in the Tomatometer are helping it happen by being a bunch of self-important pompus windbags and telling people that they shouldn't even give their business to 2D animation... only to ***** and complain later because the art form is lost.

**** 'em! **** 'em right in their ear and go see Brother Bear!

Night of the Living Dead

All right, so I stayed home alone tonight because the fiance had to work and my jackass friends who said they were going to come over cancelled on me. Well, **** them right in their ears. I had a great time. First, I souped up my house and really pissed off the neighbors with my fog machine.

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/topical/halloween8.jpg[/img]

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/topical/halloween5.jpg[/img]

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/topical/halloween2.jpg[/img]

Yeah, baby... cemetery city. The kids loved it and wiped me out of about 45 bucks worth of candy... those greedy little bastards. Check out my jack-o-lanterns, baby!

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/topical/halloween1.jpg[/img] [img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/topical/halloween3.jpg[/img]

What's more, I took this pic of a halloween decoration I put in my tree and when I looked at it, it totally kicked ***!

[img]http://www.slightlywarped.com/topical/halloween4.jpg[/img]

And that's how I spent my halloween... That and watching Night of the Living Dead by myself. Goddamn, I'm lonely.:(