elephant-shoes's Profile - Rotten Tomatoes

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Rating History

Leeches!
Leeches! (2003)
10 months ago via Rotten Tomatoes

[b]Closer (Nichols, 2004): B.
[/b]The austere production lets down the thread-bare nature of the otherwise stage-worthy dialogue. The theatricality of the pared-down confrontations is evident, but the real world applicability as captured by the relentless camera is less clear. Clive Owen and Natalie Portman are remarkable, but even their respective accomplishments are hampered by the too-easy categorization of their characters: Clive represents the starkness of truth and Natalie embodies the seduction of lies. It is left to Jude Law and a wickedly sharp Julia Roberts to pinball-and-pong back and forth between the two fenceposts as they attempt to draw closer to their identities. They succeed, for the most past, but, alas, closeness is not the same as actually arriving at the destination.

[b]Leeches! (DeCoteau, 2003): D-.
[/b]So, like, this "movie" is from the wading-pool deep "mind" of David DeCoteau, a "horror" movie "director" who, like, loves "photographing" hot young men shirtless. The "movie" is only 80 minutes long, but its "pacing" takes a cue from the world of Britney-taking-the-SATs. The "story" only takes up maybe, 3 minutes. So, because I can't help myself, some leeches suck the blood from swimmers taking steroids so that the leeches mutate and kill people. The best part is... the "leeches" are played by oven mitts. Oven Mitts. There are some gratuitous women in the movie, but how they could breathe throughout all that homoeroticism is a testament to their lungs. I rented the flick cuz I was curious; but lesson be learned, porn, an A&F catelog, or my journal would have been much better.

[b]Trouble in Paradise (Lubitsch, 1932): C+.
[/b]Hide me. After the divine humanity of [b]The Shop Around the Corner[/b] and the magnetic wit of [b]To Be or Not to Be[/b], all the supposed classicism and triumph of [b]Trouble in Paradise[/b] was lost on me. I don't know; the smoothness of the affair was more smug than satiric, and the romance of the conversation was more sporadic than frosting. I'll sit in the corner and avoid the barrage of raw hams thrown my direction now. Mmmm.... ham.

[b]Spanglish (Brooks, 2004): B+.
[/b]Holy gaping pore, Batman, does Tea Leoni do cunt well. She just commits to a role that is ripe for hatred. She represents everything, and I mean, everything, that Americans hate about themselves, that Americans worry foreigners hate about them, and that foreigners hate about Americans. Woot. Still, Brooks' movies always have this fundamental watchability about them, which is too often mistaken for sitcominess, that scrubs the grout out of any bile we might have collected by sitting through the movie. With tender acuity, Brooks embraces the weakness and strength of being a parent. And while he never quite closes the deal, a chronic problem with all his movies, he manages to draw out some wonderful conclusions of Adam Sandler-dappled upper-class malaise.

Ordinary Decent Criminal
7 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

Todd Haynes, that slam-dunkarrific director of one my favorite movies of all time, Far From Heaven, is apparently working on a biopic of Bob Dylan, but no ordinary story this. It's pretentiously called I'm Not There: Suppositions on a Film Concerning Dylan, and it came to my attention because a certain Irish hottie is in it. From [url="http://thezreview.co.uk/comingsoon/i/imnotthere.htm"]theZreview[/url], I'm pasting the summary blurb:[indent]Cate Blanchett, Colin Farrell, Adrien Brody, Richard Gere, Julianne Moore, and Charlotte Gainsbourg have agreed to star in director Todd Haynes' film "I'm Not There," an unconventional film bio of Bob Dylan. The film follows seven characters, each embodying a different aspect of Dylan's life story and music. "I'm Not There" is the first biographical feature project to secure the approval of the pop culture icon. It is being produced through Killer Films and Wells Productions. Paramount was supposed to distribute the film, but the deal has fallen through because of the change in the studio's management. Filmmakers plan a fall shooting date, but the scheduling would have to be agreed upon by the stars of the film. Financing is expected to be found at the Cannes International Film Festival.
[/indent]Colin Farrell, Cate Blanchett, AND Julianne Moore (spooge!)?!?!? I'm totally tentpoling it over the thought. That being said, the faithful half of a reader who frequents this ghosttown of a journal knows that I'm more a Justin Timberlake aficionado than I am a Dylanphile, no matter how influential he is. Still, Todd Haynes' work with biographies, be they loose or tight, are worth internet geek anticipation. Velvet Goldmine, which stars Ewan MacGregor's penis, was a psychodelic mish-mosh of personas, but despite its lack of focus - the ride was trippy and daring. The far superior and far more illegal Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story, is a ridiculously tart boot in the rear for society and the Carpenter state alike. In both cases, the subject bio was unfamiliar to me as a whole - like Bob Dylan - but the movie itself was cinematic enough that I didn't feel left in the lurch about what was going on.

I haven't found much other info on this movie, including my helpful stalker sources over at Colin webpages. My fear is that the characters might not interact that much with each other - maybe a Coffee and Cigarettes type of vignette movie? Or a Palindromes sort of escapade through the story where the main characters don't overlap temporally? But if Colin and Julianne get to go at it, drama-wise, I'm so there.

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Ordinary Decent Criminal (O'Sullivan, 2000): C.
[/b]The Colin Farrell completist in me (and truthfully, in all of us), drove me to watch this so-so movie. Despite the cool oh-so-Irishness of the director's name (his prenom is Thaddeus!), there wasn't enough linguistic osmosis for Kevin Spacey to absorb a consistent Irish accent (think Britney making cake mix - i.e. not smooth). Really, aside from the sexiness of Colin's character being named Alec and a trifle-lite appearance by Helen Baxendale (Ross' fiancess Emily from Friends!), the severely underappreciated Stephen Dillane is the only one to throw in a performance worthy of the awesome River Liffey setting of the movie. Still, I'm one step closer to be the uber Colin-stalker-fan. Yay me!

Dodgeball - A True Underdog Story
12 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes
½

[img]http://cheston.com/pbf/PBF011ADHammerScrewed.jpg[/img]

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I'm pretty sure a lot of what happened in [b]Runaway Jury[/b] isn't possible. Like Rachel Weisz looking more like a woman than a man. Baby steps.

Take the first half of the new [b]Chocolate Factory [/b]movie (up to entering the factory) and Frankenstein it together with the old version (after the entrance to the factory), and you got yourself one orgasmic cup of Guinness to suck on.

Makeup that makes you impervious to pain and physical damage? Hot damn, [b]Catwoman[/b]'s villains are almost as cool as Batman's. Almost, but not quite. Sort of like how close Benjamin Bratt was to being relevant (whither, Julia?).

I want to have all of Jason Bateman's babies. This comment refers to [b]Dodgeball[/b].

So, with [b]Woman of the Year[/b], I've now seen a few (i.e. two) Tracy-Hepburn flicks, and it seems like Hepburn always (i.e. in both) gets a pseudo-gay sidekick to play with before Tracy symbollically deepdicks her into submission. That's it.

Woman of the Year
12 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

[img]http://cheston.com/pbf/PBF011ADHammerScrewed.jpg[/img]

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I'm pretty sure a lot of what happened in [b]Runaway Jury[/b] isn't possible. Like Rachel Weisz looking more like a woman than a man. Baby steps.

Take the first half of the new [b]Chocolate Factory [/b]movie (up to entering the factory) and Frankenstein it together with the old version (after the entrance to the factory), and you got yourself one orgasmic cup of Guinness to suck on.

Makeup that makes you impervious to pain and physical damage? Hot damn, [b]Catwoman[/b]'s villains are almost as cool as Batman's. Almost, but not quite. Sort of like how close Benjamin Bratt was to being relevant (whither, Julia?).

I want to have all of Jason Bateman's babies. This comment refers to [b]Dodgeball[/b].

So, with [b]Woman of the Year[/b], I've now seen a few (i.e. two) Tracy-Hepburn flicks, and it seems like Hepburn always (i.e. in both) gets a pseudo-gay sidekick to play with before Tracy symbollically deepdicks her into submission. That's it.

Runaway Jury
Runaway Jury (2003)
12 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes
½

[img]http://cheston.com/pbf/PBF011ADHammerScrewed.jpg[/img]

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I'm pretty sure a lot of what happened in [b]Runaway Jury[/b] isn't possible. Like Rachel Weisz looking more like a woman than a man. Baby steps.

Take the first half of the new [b]Chocolate Factory [/b]movie (up to entering the factory) and Frankenstein it together with the old version (after the entrance to the factory), and you got yourself one orgasmic cup of Guinness to suck on.

Makeup that makes you impervious to pain and physical damage? Hot damn, [b]Catwoman[/b]'s villains are almost as cool as Batman's. Almost, but not quite. Sort of like how close Benjamin Bratt was to being relevant (whither, Julia?).

I want to have all of Jason Bateman's babies. This comment refers to [b]Dodgeball[/b].

So, with [b]Woman of the Year[/b], I've now seen a few (i.e. two) Tracy-Hepburn flicks, and it seems like Hepburn always (i.e. in both) gets a pseudo-gay sidekick to play with before Tracy symbollically deepdicks her into submission. That's it.