Noel's Review of Conquest
[size=4][color=Wheat][b]Review of Conquest, (Fulci, 1983) - Originally titled "La Conquista"[/b][/color][/size]
[color=Wheat][b]Overview:[/b][/color] Have you ever [i]had a hankerin[/i] for a low budget, surrealistic "B" sword and sorcery epic that was high on T&A and gore? If so, this is your movie. Have you ever had a desire to find the worst anamorphic transfer ever put to DVD? If so, this is your movie. Conquest is all that and more. This Italian/Spanish/Mexican production (whatever that means) from "B" Goremeister Extraordinaire, Fulci, has everything you'd expect from a "B "sword and sorcery epic, including an ultra-cheesy special weapon with bad FX (in this case, a bow), a Hulky He-man type lead, a naked villainess, truly bad FX monsters, and lots and lots of naked extras.
BTW, I was recommended this movie by someone on RT, but unfortunately I forgot who. Let me know if it was you, and thanks!
The Story: [/b][/color]The Story? Puleeze. OK, I'll try, but don't say I didn't warn you...
There's this kid named Ilias who apparently has reached manhood, so his father gives him their fabled ancestral bow and sends him out in the world with the advice that to be a man, he has to stand up to evil, even if it means getting killed. Ilias is continually beaten up and saved by this big ole hurky guy with a really bad barbarian whig named Mace, who kills people with a bolo. Apparently whatever land Ilias eventually traveled to had never seen bows, so Mace, who is awed by the "power" of the bow, saves Ilias' life in exchange for Ilias teaching him how to shoot a bow. Mace practices his archery skills on passerby travelers, and then steals their meat after killing the travelers, because it turns out that Mace is really a beastmaster and is not allowed to kill animals even though he can eat them and loves the taste.
And then along comes Ocron, the evil naked sorceress with a bronze mask permanently attached to her face (see the last pic below), who likes to get off by having snakes slither across her genitals. Her minions turn out to be junior wookies with more elongated snouts. The wookies double as the local mafia, and frequently like to hit up the local peasants for food, and when they don't have any, the wookies just rip them apart and eat them (there's a cool scene where this naked chick's legs are ripped right off her body). But they like to bring back the heads for their mistress, Ocron. But unfortunately, while sleeping one day after feasting on a nice tasty skull (this is difficult with the mask on, so the wookie minions have to feed her by using a straw to suck the fluid from the skulls and then blow it through the nose holes in Ocron's mask), Ocron has a vision that the kid with the cheesy bow will kill her.
The rest of the movie involves Ocron sending waves and waves of wookie minions after our two heroes. Along the way, the wookies end up killing their hot pieces of ass they find. Eventually our heroes retaliate, which prompts Ocron to send her version of a green Darth Vader demon after them (she has to trade her body and soul to the demon in exchange for him killing them. And might I say, the Demon is only slightly more competent than the wookies. As for the rest, you can probably figure it out, but there is actually a fun little unexpected twist at the end.
The Action and FX: [/b][/color]We're not talkin big budgets here folks. This is a low-end gore flick with as much blood as can be put on film in this type of movie. We have zombies, wookies, painted people, and bizarre other-things - all of which have weird ways of oozing blood. These are NOT realistic, although, there are so many spare heads carried around, that they eventually got good at making this effect.
[color=Wheat][b]The DVD Quality:[/b][/color] Part of this involves Fulci going for a surrealistic cloudy effect, and part involves just having a really shitty transfer. Whatever the reason, the picture quality really sucks ass. You see that big black splotch on the left in the picture above? Yeah, that's in the movie too. This picture is a fair representation of the constant "wax paper" look you get in this film.
And oh the score. We basically get a guy with an electric keyboard going to town. Sometimes it actually works well, but other times, the keyboard truly adds to the overwhelming cheesy effect that this movie exudes.
The Bottom Line:[/b][/color] OK, why do you want to see this movie? Well, for one reason, all chicks, and I do mean ALL chicks in this movie do not have tops - apparently, like bows, they have never heard of bras. The breasts alone make this movie "bare-able." Also, the action is pure completely cheesy fun. On a "B" movie scale (this is different than a "real" movie scale) I give Conquest at least a 6, which I will randomly transfer into a 4 on the RT 10 point movie scale.
Again, if you love cheese fests with a high degree of T&A and a completely nonsensical storyline, this movie is probably worth watching. Otherwise, well, you get the idea.