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Rating History

The Last House on the Left
7 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

okay yeah. so i liked this.

now here's what's going to piss all of you off: i liked it more than the original. i don't care if the original was some commentary on the vietnam war or whatever the hell craven claimed it was. the vietnam war is over and i'm pretty sure nobody appreciated the symbolic commentary depicted through psychotic hippies.

i think that THIS film was made for OUR generation. i mean, there are obviously REALLY IMPORTANT STATEMENTS LIKE:

"I hate cell phones! Everyhwere you turn - nothing but texting and reading and texting."

This is said while violently barrel rolling, flailing, and dragging this girl around. I know we all feel that way when we almost get sideswiped by some jackass texting while going down 75. we feel you man. we totally do.

i won't reiterate that a certain scene didn't need to be dragged out as long as it did, because when people talk about this movie, that's really all that they talk about. awesome. scene over. NEXT. following the criminal's bloody rampage is an even bloodier rampage that makes the movie extremely epic. yes, it's violent, maybe it's unnecessary but you kind of don't care because the gang was sort of full of creepers.

as for the creepers, their personalities are so over the top and ridiculously evil that it's actually pretty unbelievable. this is a good thing. additionally, i specifically remember the creepers in the original being gross looking hippies. in this one? they're all pretty good looking, which kind of deters from the whole disgusting hillbilly freaks deal. once again, this makes for epic hilarity and thus, was also a good thing. i think the hills have eyes remake pleased me more in the barfo-looking-inbred types.

i guess it is actually kind of intense and you feel bad for a lot of the characters too. but that's not what my review is about and you can pretty much read that on every forum involving this movie ever.


Phenomena (Creepers)
7 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

DISCLAIMER: I've started up my reviews again. They won't be as eloquently written and wannabe pretentious as were my old reviews (from high school or whatever, rofl). They will now be trashily written unless I find the film mind blowingly awesome. If you're looking for grammar, descriptiveness, and competent writing, gtfo. You're dumb.

good ol' dario. spoilers.

this was a pretty fantastic film. i mean, i would have given it an even better rating if i didn't know that dario had made much much better films. nevertheless, this movie was pretty brilliant.

the main characters include: a girl who has a psychic connection with bugs, a entomologist in a wheel chair from scotland, mean school girls, and a chimpanzee. remember that. the chimpanzee is a very important character.

so our heroine goes to a boarding school in england. recently, there's been an ugly mess of murders taking place against young women in that EXACT same area. now why they don't close down the school, we'll never know. this girl has some psychic connection with bugs and pets bees because they never sting her. let's not forget the scene where the bug starts shrieking on her finger because it wants to mate. but that's another story.

anyway, the murders are grizzly, campy, and always suspenseful (despite the cheese). the entomologist befriends the bug girl because hey, she can talk to bugs. apparently he lost his secretary to the murders going on in the area and now is taken care of by his pet chimpanzee. the chimpanzee is probably the smartest character in the whole movie. there is even a heart-warming scene where it breaks down crying and yelping. akgafagagag.

now good mr. argento has this habit of making these somewhat-hitchcockian masterpieces. unlike hitchcock, the violence is much more visual (not off-screen), the soundtrack is always ALWAYS (with the exception of his recent films) by the 70s rock band, Goblin. so while all this shit is going on you're jamming to the soundtrack as opposed to crapping your pants.

but no. no you WILL crap your pants. he has a bad habit of pulling some subtle but extremely horrifying scene (always close to the climax of the film) out of his ass. think the doll in deep red (which makes a cameo in this, i swear). let me say this: if you thought the scene in the first ft13th where mini-jason leaps out of the lake and nomnomnoms the boat at the end was creepy, you will probably piss yourself in this film.

it also has, possibly the best ending in horror movie history. ever read the longest "joke" ever? yeah. it's like that, but better. i won't spoil that little gem-of-a-scene though because quite obviously this amazing review has convinced you to see the movie.


Gloomy Sunday
Gloomy Sunday (2003)
7 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

I've started up my reviews again. They won't be as eloquently written and wannabe pretentious as were my old reviews (from high school or whatever, rofl). They will now be trashily written unless I find the film mind blowingly awesome. If you're looking for grammar, descriptiveness, and competent writing, gtfo. You're dumb.

Before you read this, take into the consideration the rating of this film. I didn't like it. If you liked it, you will probably be grossly offended by the content of this entry. It's more of a summary FILLED WITH MASSIVE SPOILERS than an actual review. So. You have been warned.

so i was watching this movie last night called gloomy sunday about that hungarian suicide song. i like that urban legend shit so i thought it would be neat. no. it was a really awful romance. BUT NOT JUST ANY AWFUL ROMANCE. anyway it took place in hungary imagine that. but they all speak german there is in fact no hungarian in the movie at all. it takes place in like 1930 and goes through almost-the-end-of-ww2 (ruh roh). so this woman (we'll call her schlampe) works with man1 at some diner. they take bathes together and eat fondou or wahtever.

so then this pianist comes into the story, we'll call him man2. the woman falls in love with man2. i was thinking well isn't she with man1. no. and yes. she ends up being with both of them and they are both okay with it and so there are all these awkward scenes of them having orgies and being gross and they're really kind of seedy looking so it makes it even worse.

so man1, man2, and the woman are together and they're happy. man2 writes gloomy sunday and says it's for the woman and everyone is all n_n lets play it at the diner.

anyways before ww2 this nice german man comes into the diner regularly and falls in love with the lady too. well he really likes these beef rolls so he keeps coming in and is like bffls with man1 (who is jewish, you see where this is going. no. no you don't). so man2 starts playing the piano and pays gloomy sunday and afterward german man proposes to the lady and she is like lol no. and he is sad so he throws himself off a bridge well man1 dives in and saves him and they are like friends for life. except not really. he goes back to germany.

so they live their happy orgy life and man2 plays the piano all the time at the diner and everyone starts killing themselves. it's ridiculous. they're like the song speaks to me. and then they kill themselves. it's dumb. so man2 gets really sad and starts to throw his song over a bridge and the lady and man1 tell him NOO STOOOOOP. so he keeps playing his song and people keep killing themselves.

a bunch of years later they are still having their orgy life but the war starts and the german man is now a nazi. well fuck. but man1 has no fear and they are still bffls and he's a nice nazi and saves people. now we all know that's impossible. so after a bunch of tldr filler happens german man comes into the diner and is like. PLAY MY FAV SONG. and man2 is like no O_O. and the lady is like yes and starts singing?????? they don't give a translation but she just starts singing for no reason so man2 plays the piano and then shoots himself right after.

man2 is now dead.

so the schlampe ends up sleeping with the german man who is turning out to be a really huge asswipe and sends man1 to a concentration camp. actually he doesn't send him there but he doesn't save him and ends up saving some old guy instead and is like heh fool and walks off. what a jerk. so he slept with the schlampe and didn't save her man. fucker. the lady gets pregnant with SOMEBODY'S baby god only knows who.

oh yeah. throughout the movie they keep passing this little vial of poison around just in case one of them wants to kill themselves. well man2 obviously used a gun and man1 is gone and left the vial for the lady but she doesn't use it. this is relevant.

a gazillion years later (like present day) it is this german man's bday and everyone things he's a hero so he goes to his fav diner where some other guy is working now (we don't know who) and he's like omg play the famous song so a bunch of people start playing gloomy sunday and the german guy has a heart attack and dies. and the guy at the diner is like THIS SONG IS CURSED. AURGH. and so they just bring a coffin into the diner (a whole coffin. not a stretcher or anything) and put the guy in it and take him off.

CUT TO man working at the diner going in the back and omg guess whose there. the lady and she's a billion years old now and she's washing out the poison vial which is now empty because HO HO HO she dumped it in that guy's beefroll. and the new diner guy is her son. and everyone lives happily ever after.

the end.

50% for effort, ridiculousness, and poisoned beef rolls

Lightning Bug
Lightning Bug (2004)
10 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

While many of us fascinate ourselves with the horror and the occult, many of us fail to recognize the ture horrors around us. The movie Firefly covers both of those with a bittersweet frosting. Just the right amount of each, but not enough to make it outstanding.

Lately, I've been enthralling myself with independent horror movies. Some of them B, some of them not. I originally heard about this movie after looking up films that Ashley Laurence ([i]Hellraiser[/i]) was in. When I saw this movie was being released a Canadian film festival, I was curious to how exactly it might turn out.

The film itself, tells a story about a teenage boy who's obsessed with horror films. He's great at making plaster replicas of zombies and the like and plans on working with Hollywood makeup in his future. However, his unsupportive and abusive step father always seems to stand in his way. Other local horrors occur with all the characters in the film. This stretches all the way from teen pregnancy to frighteningly conservative church groups.

Sounds like your typical drama, but it's not. The directing style with low key lighting and shady characters truly demonstrates the film's real morals. It shows that each and every one of us have a monster somewhere in our life. These monsters aren't fictitious in any way. They're very real.

While the writing is a bit sappy and there doesn't appear to be a thick plotline, the overall premise of the film is outstanding. It's not enough to have a perfect review, but it's definitely worth seeing.

Hostel (2006)
10 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

Before I say anything, let me ask just one question:

Was this a joke?

I mean, honestly. When I saw this, I wasn't sure whether or not I should take it seriously. Not in the sense that it was just corny like your old 80's slasher flicks. In the sense this film was blown WAY out of proportion with it's hilarity.

I can't even begin to express how sorry I am to those who found it "disturbing."

The basic plot? You can pay a wad of cash to kill somebody.

Sick idea? Yes. Twisted? Yes. Disturbing? The idea is, yes. So how did such a creative idea with amazing advertising make it? I have no idea.

The grotesque scenes were nothing more than silly Kill Bill-like violence with absolutely no purpose. They weren't needed at all, because they hardly lasted five seconds. Our hero of the film seemed to get away quite easily (oh did I spoil that? too bad) despite the well crafted set up of the location. Of course, he had to run to the rescue of the fair maiden too!


It makes me sad to see good films like[i] Wolf Creek [/i]out, getting HORRIBLE reviews, and hoaky cow poop like [i]Hostel[/i] being released with outstanding reviews.

It wasn't shocking, it wasn't sickening, it was just dumb. The audience was roaring with laughter (many times followed by applause). This usually isn't a GOOD thing for a film trying to be so serious.

The four points I gave this movie were out of sheer amusement. At least I was entertained for nearly two hours.