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Rating History

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (Hellboy 2)
9 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

[left]Well, here's my first entry. I recently had my wisdom teeth removed, and for the past week I have done almost nothing... nothing that is except go out and see Hellboy 2 at midnight with some friends. It's a rare occassion I miss a midnight screening of anything that even partially peaks my interest, so the sequel to Hellboy (which, although not horrendous, is not a "good movie" in my mind) was an easy candidate for Thursday night. Even with a swollen jaw and loaded on narcotics, I was set to see what Del Toro could dish out after such a brilliant work as Pan's Labyrinth. I was really ready to give him another chance.

That said, his chance came and went. I actually came close to giving up on the movie altogether with the opening scene with young Hellboy being read a bed time story, as the boy playing him was so... unbearable. I don't know how to describe it. Without fail, all four of my fellow moviegoers shuddered as the camera panned back and forth to his horrid mug, and instantly I knew this wasn't going to be a fun time at the flickies.

Where to continue... I guess my main gripe with the movie would be its erratic pacing and disjointed, detached script. Not once during the entire dire mess was I enthralled with what was happening on the screen, nor did I care in the least for the safety or wellbeing of any main character. With every scene spinning by, I became less and less concerned with the plot (or lack thereof), and more with trying to grasp why the characters were doing anything they were doing. the emotions and interactions of the protagonists were so askew, it seemed as though each were operating in a seperate vacuum, then saying whatever happened to come to midn first when they were put face to face.

I wont dive any further into the plot than it will allow, which means my shoes are about to get a little damp on the bottom. I can't liken it anything but a puddle:

[list][*]Drow Prince lives in the subway line (lol)[/list][list][*]Drow Prince gets angry after thousands of years[/list][list][*]Drow Prince goes to the secret Drow city and whines at his elderly father[/list][list][*]Overreactions[/list][list][*]Trolls[/list][list][*]The magic spice that made "I Know Who Killed Me" so wonderful gives the movie an amazing flavor of idiocy[/list][list][*]All of a sudden everyone is in Ireland and theres a cryptic angel with eyes on it's wings. Visionary directing indeed[/list]

I wanted to like this movie. I wanted to so badly. From the first one with the ninja-zombie-clockwork-nazi man, I expected something at least as cool if not more so... and what did I get? A bland villain who can't be bothered to look through more than 2 books in a rather small library, and an even blander hero than ever before.

The ending itself was the ultimate hurdle however, as my game of "Let's find the reason they did that" came to it's dramatic conclusion. Everyone quits the BPRD without much talk, if any, about it. Even the two guys with nothing else going for them, one of whom just lost the love of his life. I couldn't recover. I simply errupted in laughter as my companions held their faces in the palms of their hands.

Ahh yes, and we can't forget. Post credit redemption? No, sorry. Nothing but a big blue screen. As the man sitting in back of me yelled "Wow, ****ing seriously?"

Hellboy 2 recieves an inglorious 3/10 for poor acting, poor screenplay, and simply okay visual effects.